Clean jokes week 14 words

Clean Jokes Week 14
Words

Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a coupola copies of the WINDOWS98/JERSEY EDITION may have accidentally bin shipped outsida Jersey. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help understandin' da commands. Da Jersey edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads: "WINDAS 98," wit a background picture of "down da shore". When you start da program, instead of da usual "harpy, stringy" music, you hear da teme from da Godfadda. It is also shipped
wit a Sopranos screen sava.

   Please also note:
   * Recycle Bin is labeled "Staten Island."
   * My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computa."
   * The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk."
   * Deleted Items are referred to as "Wacked," "Erased," or "Rubbed Out."
   * Dial up Networking is called "Da Bar."
   * Control Panel is known as the "Da Bosses."
   * Performin' an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin' the family business" and will actually maximize
WINDOWS98/JERSEY EDITION program instead of shuttin' it down.
   * Hard Drive is referred to as "Da Turnpike Rush Hour."
   * Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna friggin' believe dis!" pops up.

   CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA JERSEY EDITION:
   OK...............Sure ting
   Cancel...........Fugetaboutit
   Reset............Start Ova
   Yes..............Yeah
   No...............Nah
   Find.............Put a contract out on
   Browse...........Get a looksee
   Back.............U toin
   Help.............(Help ain't available - youz don't need no stinkin' help)
   Stop.............Knock it off
   Start............Move it!
   Settings.........Here's d' Rules

   Also note dat any voice recognition software run on da JERSEY EDITION platform don't recognize da letter "R." Some programs and udder accessories dat are exclusive to WINDAS 98:
   Typa.............A word processin' program
   Printa...........Printer
   Calculata........Calculator
   Seven caad Stud..Solitare

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of da JERSEY EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

Youse got a problem wit dat?

Sincerely,
BILL ("Friggin 4 eyes") GATES
Thanks JB

Dear Billy joe Bob,
I'm writting this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for fourdays.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning,but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Your Favorite Aunt

The Traffic Ticket

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Thank you Missi

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.
"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I guess I just panicked...."
Thank you Dawn

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbours kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks".
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat."

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much
the same manner.

After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's final agony, as he started to slip away, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning
against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, forced himself down the stairs. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs, defying the pull of Morpheus.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing in the kitchen. Were it not for the immense pain caused by his extreme exertions, he would have thought himself already in heaven for there spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, with tears in his eyes, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the sweet biscuit was already mentally in his mouth, seemingly
bringing him back to life.
He felt renewed strength pulsate through his body.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to one lone biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife ......
"Get away," she said, "they're for the funeral."

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