Clean jokes week 13
An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat, when
his wife said, "Where are you going?"
The elderly man replied, "To the doctor."
Surprised his wife asked "Why, are you sick?"
"No," he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
With that his equally elderly wife got up out of her rocker and
started putting on her sweater.
Surprised, he asked, "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to the doctor, too".
"Why?"
She said, matter-of-factly, "If you're going to start using that rusty,
old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
"Hotel Bill"
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room,
but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
They ask the clerk the cost of the room and he rplies $100.00. They take
a room.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill
for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't
worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized
pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and
wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood
and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But
we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved and says " It was there and you could have!"
Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check
and gives it to the manager.
The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he
says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with
my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing
a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his
knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman
in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard
enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype
women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with
her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women
like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching
our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in
general...and all in the name of humor!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the
blond yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that
little jerk on your knee!"
A young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino
at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.
"Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?" "Only a little," she
answered.
"How much?" he asked. "Fifty dollars," she replied.
Alcohol Consumption -- FDA Warnings
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American Beer Brewers
have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be
placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead/knees.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space
continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
- she called me to get my phone number.
- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because
it said "concentrate."
- she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her
mind.
- she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
- she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
- she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
- she tried to drown a fish.
- she thought a quarterback was a refund.
- she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
- if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
- they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
- under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
- she tripped over a cordless phone.
- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she
put Sagittarius."
- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
- it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
- she studied for a blood test.
- she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
- she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
- she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
- she sold the car for gas money.
- when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went
home and got 16 friends.
- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
she moved.
- she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
- when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport
Left" she turned around and went home.
DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING*
**Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
**Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,
so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
**Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends
are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this
issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off
during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric
nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to
your waist.
**Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing
a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
**Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,
we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please
do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication
of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the
only word I need from you on this subject is: "Early."
**Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue
to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her
cry, I will make you cry.
**Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be
on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting
on her makeup, a process than can take
longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing
there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
**Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding
hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough
to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or
anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up
to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be
avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
Old folks homes are better.
**Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,
merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with
whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing
but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
Do not trifle with me.
**Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy
near Hanoi.
When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently
tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.
As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both
hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear
voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return
to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged
face at the window is mine.
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State
Building. The first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last
week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the
time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense
that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell
that could happen."
"No, it's true," said the first man. "Let me prove it to you."
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street
below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around
the building and back into the 10th floor window, and he takes the elevator
back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know,
I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again,
just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently
carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs, he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what
the hell," the second guy says. "It works. I'll try it!"
He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th,
8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a "splat."
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You
know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
