Adult Jokes Week 8
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the
empty lot.
The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and started
talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the
construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted
her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee
and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make
her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said
all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the
dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings
account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the
story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check
at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working
with a crew building a house all week". "My goodness gracious", said the
teller, "and will you be working on the house again
this week too"?
"I will if those useless cock suckers at the lumber yard ever bring
us the fucking bricks", replied the little girl.
Thanks Dennis and Donna
Potential vs reality?
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his
father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential
and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says; "I'll demonstrate
it for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars. Next, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars. Then go ask your brother if he would sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've
learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out
what his father means. He asks his
mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars would you sleep
with Brad Pitt?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little
smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone
gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister
looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!" Then he goes to his brothers room
and asks him, "Hey bro, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you
sleep with Brad Pitt?" His brother thinks about it and says, "For
a million bucks, I suppose I would". The kid goes back to his father and
says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on
three millions bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts and
a fag."
THE REAL MANAGER
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
* I do physical labor
* I work at great depths
* I plunge headfirst into everything I do
* I do not get weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases
*************************************************************
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other
areas
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated
in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the correct protective clothing
* You're unable to work double shifts
* You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed
the day's work
* You have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace
carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing
home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked
if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My penis died today,
and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied,
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his
penis hanging out of his pajamas.
"Mr. Goldstein," said Nurse Tracy, "You shouldn't be walking
down the hall like this. Please put your penis back inside your pajamas."
"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday
that my penis died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your
pajamas?"
"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."
Subject: Golf Tee's ???
Tiger Woods was driving through Tennessee returning from the Masters
Golf Tourney in Augusta GA. His Nissan needed gas so he stopped at a rural
gas station near Knoxville,TN.
Ole Bubba came out to pump his gas. Tiger bent over and two
golf tees fell out of his shirt pocket. Ole Bubba asked him what they were
and Tiger answered that they were tees.
Ole Bubba asked him what they were used for and Tiger
said to prop his balls on when he was driving.
Ole Bubba said "Damn, those folks at Nissan think of everything!"
MEMBER OF STEEL
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie,
each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales
begins. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is.
Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men
before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with
my bare hands." The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing.
I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid
out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with
my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp.
And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring
the coals with his penis.
FIRST TIME
A guy comes home after a late night out on the town. Waiting
for him in the kitchen is his mother. She's been worried, and as he walks
through the door she yells to him: "Where the hell have you been? I've
been worried sick!". The guy replies: Mother, tonight I've had sex for
the first time!". The mother gets very exited and says: "What? That's great!
Sit down and tell me all about it!". The guy then says: "No mother,
I can't sit!".
