Adult Jokes week 9
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and
sat down next to him. He had spiked hair in different colors, red, orange,
blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared at him. The young man turned to him and said
sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in
your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had
sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his
mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks
a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed
the pigs, and he
kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him
a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother
says,"I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I
saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as
he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with
a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
An Alaskan woodpecker and a visiting Texas woodpecker were arguing
about which state had the toughest trees to peck.
The Alaskan claimed that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Texan took up the challenge and was able to peck a hole in the
tree in Alaska.
Then the Texas woodpecker issued a challenge to the Alaskan to come
to Texas and peck a hole in a tree that no woodpecker had ever been able
to penetrate.
The Alaskan accepted the challenge, flew to Texas and was able to peck
a hole in the tree.
The two woodpeckers couldn't figure out how the Texas woodpecker was
able to peck a hole in the tree in Alaska and how the Alaskan woodpecker
was able to peck a hole in the tree in Texas, but neither could peck a
hole in the tree in their home state.
After pondering the problem for a long while they both came to the
same conclusion.
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jan went
to visit her grandmother. When she asked how grandpa had died, her granny
explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Jan suggested that intercourse at the age of 94 was surely
asking for trouble.
"Oh, no," granny replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time
with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs."
She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn ice
cream truck going past, he'd still be alive."
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his
testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about
his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to the doctor see
what he could be done to relieve the problem.
The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what
the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have
a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining
table, and started to examine him.
The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget
to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle,
he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached
for his surgical scissors.
Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, and snip on the right side, then snip,
snip, snip, snip, and snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement
that the snipping did not hurt.
The Doctor then told the midget to pull up his pants see if they still
ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office
and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
"Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.
The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots.
A train hits a busload of nuns and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
He asks the first nun Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with
a penis? The nun giggles and replies, well, once I touched the head of
one with the tip of my finger. St. Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger
in the holy water and pass through the gate. St. Peter asks the next nun
the same question, Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with
a penis?
The nun is a little reluctant but replies; well I once fondled and
stroked one. St. Peter says, OK dip your hand in the
holy water and pass through the gate... All of a sudden there is a
lot of commotion in the line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the
front. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, Sister, Sister,
what seems to be the rush?
The nun replies, If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I
want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they
are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually,
the woman never achieves orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to
ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the
following suggestion:
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have
the young man wave a towel over you. That
will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young
man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help
and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make
love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into
bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon
has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,.....
"You see, THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
