Adult Jokes week 10

Adult Jokes Week 10 Two men are driving through New York when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and
taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in New York son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car. The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I not from around here." The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walk around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that asshole
would've tried that shit with me!

An 85 year old man is at the doc's having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
"Never better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story... I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella
instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM* The beaver drops dead
in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"Exactly!"

A large, muscular guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are kissing in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She smiles.
The man then drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs,
"See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!"
Finally, he drops his boxers, and after a quick glance, she grabs her handbag and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks,
"Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

Just a regular conversation over dinner:

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Shit

A man named Jed has a job which subjects him to random drug and alcohol checks. One day, his number is drawn, and after his test, the technician notifies him that he tested positive for drugs.
Jed adamantly denied taking any illegal drugs, so he was sent for an interview with the company doctor. During his
interview, the doctor asks him to account for his activity the previous night.
Jed admitted to the doctor that he stopped off at the local bar after a ball game with his teammates. He told the doctor that gradually, one by one, the other ballplayers left until it was only himself and a woman in the bar.
He told the doctor that since he was by himself, he sat with her and bought her a drink, and pretty soon, she asked him for a ride home.
The doctor asked, "Then what happened?"
Jed told him that as soon as they got in the car, the woman became quite amorous, and she performed oral sex on him, and then asked him to perform oral sex on her.
"Don't tell me that you did it," said the doctor.
"Sure I did," answered Jed. "Why, what's the matter?
"Well," said the doctor, "that's why you tested positive. That was a barbitchyouate."

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman..
"Can I help you?" the madam asked..
"I want Natalie," the old man replied..
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
"No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon
the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you."
(Some things in life are certain: taxes, death and being screwed by an attorney.)

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