50 YEARS AGO

Rated R

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what yo said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, ‘Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out.’ "

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

Thanks Missi

Directions: Please complete the following problems. You may use a
scratch piece of paper for your calculations which must be turned in
with your exam. SHOW ALL WORK! Use only a #2 pencil. You have
20 minutes to complete the exam.

1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
  [True] or [False]
2. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
  [True] or [False]
3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
  [True] or [False]
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
  [True] or [False]
5. The clitoris is a type of flower.
  [True] or [False]
6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
  [True] or [False]
7. Semen is a term for sailors.
  [True] or [False]
8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
  [True] or [False]
9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
  [True] or [False]
10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
  [True] or [False]
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
  [True] or [False]
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
  [True] or [False]
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
  [True] or [False]
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
  [True] or [False]
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
  [True] or [False]
16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
  [True] or [False]
17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
  [True] or [False]
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
  [True] or [False]
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
  [True] or [False]
20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
  [True] or [False]
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
  [True] or [False]
22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
  [True] or [False]
23. Pornography is the business of making records.
  [True] or [False]
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
  [True] or [False]
25. Douche is the French word for "twelve."
  [True] or [False]
 

Time's up! Put your pencil's down. Turn your results in to your
significant other, so they know what they are dealing with.
Thanks Talley ( by the way how did you do?)

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
  -- Roseanne-

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.--- Billy Crystal-

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
-- Sean Connery-

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
-- Robert De Niro-

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.
-- Bill Cosby-

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All  the general has to do is walk over to the women and say,
"You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
-- Elayne Boosler-

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
-- Dustin Hoffman-

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
  -- Elizabeth Taylor-

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know.
Women do. Women want to learn.
Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
---Jerry Seinfield

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-- George Clooney-

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
  -- Rod Stewart-

The problem with the designated driver program is,  it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. -- Jeff Bridges-

AND THE BEST ONE:
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, BUT only enough blood to run one at a time.
  -- Robin Williams-
Thanks Dawn

The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".

The Empty Roll Dump

Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer
cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll.
Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump

This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet - and embarrassed if the column of waterr went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump

This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the
newspaper headlines screaming  "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump

Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump

You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following:
1.Flush the toilet
2. Drop loose change on the floor
3.Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.

The Cling-On Dump

You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

The Whole Roll Dump

No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

The Encore Dump

Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....

The Houdini Dump

You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.