Adult jokes Week 4
I went to a psychiatrist because I was having severe problems with my sex
life. The psychiatrist asked me a lot of questions, but didn't seem to
be getting a clear picture of my problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're
having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did she look?"
"Oh boy,... she looked VERY angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere
and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once
during sex. That seems somewhat unusual to me.
How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window!"
Thanks Missi
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The
demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun
down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink
till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over
the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're
already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt,
well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl
of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do
all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."
Thanks Missi
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier
walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open". This is not a
phrase women normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open".
He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the
checkout line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door".
He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her at the
counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier
standing there at
attention"? The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, No, I didn't.
All I saw was a disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags".
Thanks Angela
Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks
over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really
big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill
and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's
bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"
The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted
is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who
completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass
grill for one little weenie?
Thanks Angela
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in
the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them.
The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech
or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.
The birch says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He
replies:
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Choosing A Jury
A man gets arrested for having sex with a goat. Since
his crime is so unusual a friend advises him to hire a particular trial
jury lawyer with a reputation for being able to select the best jury in
the state. Soon he goes to trial and true to his lawyer's reputation he
takes days selecting the right jury.
Finally, the trial begins and the prosecutor calls
the first witness. "Now Mr. Abernathy just what did you see the defendant
do on the night of June 6, 1996?"
"Well now-" Mr. Abernathy said, "I saw him having
sex with a goat in his backyard."
"What else did you see?" he was asked.
"Well, when he was finished the goat turned around
and licked the man's penis!"
Just then juror #3 whispered to juror #4, "yup, a
good goat will do that," and juror #4 nodded his head in agreement.
