Adult Jokes Week 15
Who Enjoys Sex More?"
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and
started bantering back and forth about
male/female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports,
who were the better entertainers,etc. The flirting continued for more than
an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about
who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think
we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so
far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened
quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength
of his argument, the man awaited her response.
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger
in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your
ear or your finger?"
Rules For Living
* Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the spanking?"
* To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it
wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.
* They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious
to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find
it more personal and sincere.
* We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We
can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the
future to wreck revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.
* If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then
when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll
learn him.
* Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do
things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said " I am a Father."
The little boy replied " My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered " I am the Father of
many."
The boy said "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and
he doesn't wear his collar that way.
The priest getting impatient said "I am the Father of hundreds" and
went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over
and said....
"Well. maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead."
The Queen was visiting one of Australia's top hospitals, and during
her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of
this?" The doctor
leading the tour explained, "I am sorry your Highness, this man has
a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If
he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving
a patient a blow job. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health cover."
THE CARD GAME
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards
on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed
that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear!
Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table as he emerged rather
red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments
Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that
you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it,
but it will cost you $100."
After thinking about it for a minute, Jeff indicates that yes, he is
interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons (and
Jeff doesn't), that he should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the
$100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this
afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied,
"Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"
Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!'
Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," says Dave. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed
$100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay
me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
Recent research shows that there are five kinds of sex.
The first kind of sex is "Smurf Sex". This kind of sex happens when
you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the
face.
The second kind of sex is "Kitchen Sex". This is when you have been
with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex
anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The third kind of sex is "Bedroom Sex". This is when you have been
with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex in your bedroom.
The fourth kind of sex is "Hallway Sex". This is when you have been
with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway
you both say "Fuck You".
The fifth kind of sex is "Courtroom Sex". This is when you cannot stand
your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband
liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and
decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake,
the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored,
and returned to reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "duh --
isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write
you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate
woman.
"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read. It's likely she
can also think.