Adult jokes week 14

Adult Jokes Week 14
Word Marital Trouble

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."

"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."
Thank you Missi

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
And then you die. What's that? A bonus?
I think the life-cycle is all backwards.

You should die first and get it all over with.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young.
You get a gold watch.
You go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol and party.
You get ready for high school.
You go to grade school and become a kid.
You play. You have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby & go back into the womb.
You spend your last nine months floating...

Then, you finish off as an orgasm. I like it.

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers
him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!
All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"
Thank You Julie

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"

"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."

"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day"

"Does anyone know another word."

"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.

"OK Mike, what is your word."

"Saturday." says Mike.

"Great, that has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob', that's only two syllables!"
Thank you Julie

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units' than his dad. His other replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

A fly was flying over a stream as a trout swam by. The trout thought “ If that fly was to drop two inches I could jump out of the water and have myself a very good meal.”

A bear was in the woods was watching the trout watching the fly. The bear thought “If that fly would drop two inches the trout would jump out of the water, I could jump out of the woods and grab it and I would have a very good meal.”

A hunter was in the woods watching the bear who was watching the trout watching the fly. The hunter thought “If that fly would drop two inches the trout would jump out of the water, the bear would jump out of the woods and I could shoot the bear and I would have myself a very good meal.”

A mouse was watching the hunter who was watching the bear who was watching the trout watching the fly. The mouse though “If that fly would drop two inches, the trout would jump out of the water. The bear would jump out of the woods. The hunter would set down his cheese sandwich to shoot the bear and I could run up and grab it and I would have myself a very good meal.”

A cat was watching the mouse who was watching the hunter who was watching the bear who was watching the trout watching the fly. And the cat thought, “If that fly would drop two inches, the trout would jump out of the water. The bear would jump out of the woods. The hunter would set down his cheese sandwich to shoot the bear. The mouse would run out of the woods to grab the cheese sandwich and I could pronounce on the mouse and I would have myself a very good meal.”

Well… The fly dropped two inches. The trout jumped out of the water. The bear jumped out of the woods to grab the trout. The hunter set down his cheese sandwich and shoots the bear. The mouse ran forward and grabbed the Cheese sandwich. The cat leaped for the mouse and … missed, rolling into the water.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS…

Every time a fly drops two inches a pussy gets wet.

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They got undressed and stepped into the showers before they realized there was no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment
on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the first nun..."It's a soap dispenser."
To test her theory the second nun also pulls his tool and sure enough he drops the other bar of soap. The third nun
decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice, and three times, but nothing happens. So she tries once more and, to her
delight, she yells.... "Hand lotion!"

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