adult jokes lists week 8

Adult jokes (the Lists) Week 8 Men are like….Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.

    Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

    Men are like.....Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.

    Men are like.....Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.

    Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

    Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

    Men are like.....Cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

    Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

    Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

    Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

    Men are like.....Department Stores. Their clothes are always half off.

    Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

    Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

    Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

    Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

    Men are like.....Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

    Men are like.....Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

    Men are like.....Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that comes out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure that you wear clean underwear in case you are in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your dinner."

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST:
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado went through your room."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father."

My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in the world that don't have wonderful parents like you."

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

These were found on Ladies' Bumper Stickers:

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN.

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE.

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

And my favorite!

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

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