A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be real good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"

 The girl said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.

   The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?"

The young man replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
 Thanks Dennis and Donna

 When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

 "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

 "Nothing," shrugged the woman, " I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback.
Thanks Dennis and Donna

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the
garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she
really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy, and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him,
laughing with delight all the while.

"Fine,"God said looking back into his bag of leftovers.

"What's left here? Oh yes, brains...." Thanks Angela

"I realize it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"

Bob: "Yes, I do."

Jack: "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

Jack: "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did."

Bob: "Why do you ask?"

Jack: "She just died and left me everything." Thanks Angela

Chinese Torture Test

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man, "Can you put me up for the night?"

 "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

 "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

 Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldn't keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

 During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldn't hear, exhausted but happy.

 He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

 "Well, that's easy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:
 "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

 In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read:
 "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post." Thanks Dawn

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started
 talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
 

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week". "My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again
this week too"?
"I will if those useless cock suckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fucking bricks", replied the little girl.

Thanks Dennis and Donna

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says; "I'll demonstrate it for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Next, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then go ask your brother if he would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his
mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her,  "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!" Then he goes to his brothers room and asks him, "Hey bro, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His brother thinks about it and says,  "For a million bucks, I suppose I would". The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on three millions bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts and a fag."