Since the dawn
of time man has wondered, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if
a woodchuck could chuck wood? The purpose of this research is to
determine first; if a woodchuck can chuck wood, second; if it can, how
much; third; if it cannot, how much would it theoretically be able to
chuck if it could and fourth; what are the social ramifications of
chucking wood.
The woodchuck is
burrowing rodent native to North America. It is also known as a whistle
pig or a groundhog. The term woodchuck is probably a folk etymology from
the algonquin word for the wood chuck. They are known as whistle pigs
due to the whistling sound that the animal makes. They are a
grayish-brown color.
The main problem
which had to be overcome before conclusions could be made was to
determine the meaning of the word chuck. According to Webster's ninth
Collegiate dictionary, chuck can mean to toss, however, nowhere
were any woodchucks seen tossing wood. Since I didn't like this result I
ignored it and found that it is far more likely that the correct meaning
of the word chuck in this context is to have done with.
The woodchucks were
watched in the wild for two months. The person watching the woodchucks
dressed as a large woodchuck and wore woodchuck scent in order to not
disturb the woodchucks. The original scent used was that of a woodchuck
in heat, this did not have the desired effect and its use was
discontinued. Observations were written in a field book every 17 minutes
from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. It was later learned that woodchucks were very
active at night. This reported nocturnal behavior is probably not
important to the results anyway, but it was necessary to mention. It
should probably also be mentioned that one of the grad students who
worked as an observer was a cultural studies major and could not
differentiate between a woodchuck and some breeds of dogs. This should
not greatly affect the results.
Woodchucks were
seen many times chucking wood, that is ignoring the wood as if they were
"done with" it. For simplicity the term "lignin avoidance" will be used
in this paper to denote the chucking behavior. Many times, when
presented with the choice between a clear path through a field and one
through a nearby forest which was merely 100 yards away, the woodchucks
would almost always choose the wood- free field, clearly displaying
lignin avoidance. In order to test this further, the mouth of the
woodchuck's burrow was surrounded on three sides with tree logs. The
woodchuck again displayed lignin avoidance when choosing a path to its
burrow. Only occasionally were woodchucks observed chasing small sticks
of wood and barking as they picked them up and returned to a person
usually egging them on with commands such as "good dog." It is still
unknown how the woodchucks developed this behavioral pattern of lignin
nonavoidance.
The ability of a
woodchuck to chuck, exhibit lignin avoidance, being proven, the question
of how much was then addressed. It was calculated that a typical
woodchuck could actually chuck the majority of the wood in the world.
Even young woodchucks which could not walk yet were easily able to chuck
all of the wood in Asia and South America.
The social
ramifications of lignin avoidance in woodchucks are relatively minor,
since woodchucks are not particularly social animals. It was found that
woodchucks that did not chuck wood were far more lonely than other
woodchucks because they were 10% less likely to meet a woodchuck of the
opposite sex near wood than if they were near the discarded and scented
woodchuck suit. Wood was also found to introduce stress into woodchuck
environments. If a large wooden stick was waved at an unsuspecting
groundhog, its heart rate would increase, as well as it's oxygen intake.
Only once was lignin avoidance seen to generate a violent response from
another woodchuck. A large woodchuck chased another woodchuck who had
been chucking wood back to its burrow barking and snarling. It stood
over the burrow opening barking and wagging its tail until a person came
and shot the woodchuck that had been chucking. Another strange example
of the strange symbiotic relationship of man and woodchuck.
There is no longer
a question about whether or not woodchucks chuck wood, or how much wood
they can chuck, it is the basic rule which woodchuck society and life is
based on.
CHESTNUT SOUP
1/2 lb. chestnuts
2 cups chicken or veal stock
2
tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons flour
2 cups milk
1 teaspoon
ground coriander
1 teaspoon lemon juice
1/4 cup sherry
salt, to
taste
Boil
chestnuts 10 minutes. Remove from water using slotted spoon. Peel while
still warm. Shells and inside skins can be removed easily.
Cook the blanched chestnuts until tender in veal or
chicken stock, then mash using a food mill or sieve.
Prepare a cream sauce by combining butter, flour, and
milk. Add chestnuts and chicken or veal stock in which they were cooked;
season with coriander, lemon juice, sherry and salt.
