| By Sumiko Tan SUNNY, one of my dearest friends at work, will leave The Straits Times next month for greener pastures. He is not my first friend from the office to say goodbye. Over the years, there have been a handful of colleagues who became friends. In recent times, at least three others have also left. > > >>> > When Sunny told me that he was leaving, I > > >>> > moaned: 'With you gone, I > > >>> > will have hardly any friends left in the office!' > > >>> > > > >>> > Which set me thinking: At what point does an > > >>> > acquaintance or > > >>> > colleague become a friend? And, to take a step back, > > >>> > what is this concept > > >>> > called 'friendship' anyway? Indeed, what makes you > > >>> > click with one person and > > >>> > form a friendship with him, but not some other? > > >>> > > > >>> > If a friend is defined as someone I feel > > >>> > completely comfortable > > >>> > calling up at 3 am to bail me out of trouble - and > > >>> > Sunny will do so - then, > > >>> > alas, I don't have that many friends. > > >>> > > > >>> > Other than family members, I can count on > > >>> > just one female friend and > > >>> > three, at best four, male friends. > > >>> > > > >>> > But then, maybe that's plenty. As someone > > >>> > once said, one friend in a > > >>> > lifetime is much, two are many, three are hardly > > >>> > possible.FRIENDSHIPS are > > >>> > different from relationships - and thank goodness > > >>> > for that. > > >>> > > > >>> > You can be great chums with your partner, of > > >>> > course, but a > > >>> > relationship is so much more complex. > > >>> > > > >>> > It is not only about that enrapturing feeling > > >>> > called love, but - if > > >>> > you are unlucky - also a host of > > >>> > murky emotions like jealousy, resentment, anger, > > >>> > pain and despair. > > >>> > > > >>> > Friendship is simpler and fills you, mostly, > > >>> > with harmless Type B > > >>> > emotions - kindliness, fondness, warmth and > > >>> > cordiality. > > >>> > > > >>> > With a lover, you make demands and have > > >>> > expectations. But with a > > >>> > friend, you're cool. You don't really owe him > > >>> > anything, or have to explain > > >>> > much, because, ultimately, you demand nothing more > > >>> > from each other than > > >>> > pleasant company and an occasional listening ear. > > >>> > > > >>> > Love, I read somewhere, is blind, but > > >>> > friendship closes its eyes. How > > >>> > true. > > >>> > > > >>> > THE older I get, the more I value friends. > > >>> > Yet, ironically, I find > > >>> > that it is now not only harder for me to maintain > > >>> > old friendships, but also > > >>> > to form new ones. > > >>> > > > >>> > When I was in school, friendships came > > >>> > naturally. My friends and I > > >>> > moved in a pack - we ate, studied, gossiped and > > >>> > partied together. We > > >>> > exchanged secrets and gifts, sent cards and gave > > >>> > treats. Our friendships > > >>> > were firm, and sweet. > > >>> > > > >>> > Coming from an all-girls school, I didn't get > > >>> > to make male friends > > >>> > until I was in junior college. Initial shyness > > >>> > aside, I found that it was > > >>> > possible to have a platonic relationship with a guy, > > >>> > and that they made > > >>> > equally good friends. > > >>> > > > >>> > By the time I went to university, I was > > >>> > already attached, and had > > >>> > little time to make new friends, male or female. > > > >>> > Then came working life. Through sheer > > >>> > proximity and the amount of > > >>> > time spent together, it was inevitable that some > > >>> > colleagues became more than > > >>> > co workers. > > >>> > > > >>> > What is it that allows you to become friends > > >>> > with some people, and > > >>> > not others? > > >>> > > > >>> > Shared experience is one requisite, and the > > >>> > sharper it is, the > > >>> > better. For Sunny and I, it was our > > >>> > years spent pounding the same beat, politics. > > >>> > > > >>> > That X factor called 'chemistry' is another, > > >>> > and I suppose this > > >>> > explains how you can be firm friends with people who > > >>> > are very different from > > >>> > you.THE saddest thing about friendship is that it > > >>> > can die. It doesn't come > > >>> > with a lifelong guarantee. > > >>> > > > >>> > Distance is one killer. Unless you are > > >>> > diligent in keeping in touch > > >>> > with a friend, being far away can drive a wedge in > > >>> > your relationship. > > >>> > > > >>> > Changes in circumstance is another. > > >>> > > > >>> > It has been said that a friend in power is a > > >>> > friend lost, and I have > > >>> > found this to be true. When a friend moves up in > > >>> > life, he will become too > > >>> > busy for you, while you don't want to risk rejection > > >>> > by trying to keep in > > >>> > contact with him. > > >>> > > > >>> > Marriages have also caused friendships to > > >>> > fade as your spouse might > > >>> > not take to your friends. > > >>> > > > >>> > Then there are friendships that die because > > >>> > they have simply run > > >>> > their course. > > >>> > > > >>> > I had a close female friend whom I had known > > >>> > since we were both 17. > > >>> > About four years back, after 16 years of keeping in > > >>> > touch through the mail, > > >>> > long hours on the phone and giggly lunches, our > > >>> > friendship died. Just like > > >>> > that. > > >>> > > > >>> > There was no quarrel, no disagreement, no > > >>> > underlying unhappiness or > > >>> > animosity or hurts. The plug > > >>> > was just pulled. > > >>> > > > >>> > The last time we saw each other was at lunch > > >>> > - in fact, it was to > > >>> > celebrate her birthday. We were our usual loud > > >>> > selves. After the meal, we > > >>> > gave our usual hug, said our usual cheery goodbyes > > >>> > and made our usual > > >>> > promise to meet again. > > >>> > > > >>> > We didn't call each other for weeks (which > > >>> > was normal, as we were > > >>> > both busy), then months (which began to feel a bit > > >>> > strange, but nothing to > > >>> > be alarmed about), then, yes, years (by then, it was > > >>> > too late to resuscitate > > >>> > the friendship). > > >>> > > > >>> > We did talk once, last year, when my father > > >>> > died and she called. I > > >>> > was grateful to hear from her and I know it took a > > >>> > lot for her to pick up > > >>> > the phone after so many years. > > >>> > > > >>> > I wish nothing but the best for her, and am > > >>> > always glad to hear from > > >>> > mutual friends that she is well. Yet, I know that if > > >>> > we were to bump into > > >>> > each other today, it would feel awkward. > > >>> > > > >>> > IF I value friendship so much, why don't I > > >>> > just go forth and make > > >>> > more friends? > > >>> > > > >>> > It is easier said than done. People my age > > >>> > and older are busy with > > >>> > careers and family. I have fewer things in common > > >>> > with those younger. > > >>> > > > >>> > But the fault is mine. At my age, I lack the > > >>> > energy and enthusiasm. > > >>> > Starting and maintaining a friendship might be far > > >>> > less arduous than a > > >>> > relationship, but it still requires effort. Do I > > >>> > have the strength for that > > >>> > on top of the other demands in my life? > > >>> > > > >>> > So, next month, I say goodbye to Sunny and I > > >>> > am left with one friend > > >>> > fewer at work. > > >>> > > > >>> > British writer Virginia Woolf once said: 'I > > >>> > have lost friends, some > > >>> > by death - others by sheer inability to cross the > > >>> > street.' > > >>> > > > >>> > Should I spot Sunny - and my few remaining > > >>> > friends - on the street, I > > >>> > trust I can muster the energy to walk up to them and > > >>> > say 'hi'. > > >>> > > > >>> > For, really, that is all it takes to keep a > > >>> > friendship alive. |