VI. A New Beginning
Crawford wondered what he was going to do. He had tried everything in his power to talk to Ran. He had been desperate. He really didn't know what to say to the redhead but he knew that it worse not to try at all. Now, Ran wanted to see him. He felt panicky.
Idiot man! When he didn't want to see you, you tried and tried to see him. This is your chance.
Crawford dressed and primped himself in the mirror as best as he could in his distraction. Then, he was there in front of the Koneko, the drive almost a nonexistent memory.
Ran wouldn't call you here to break it off. He'd use the phone… You hope. Besides there might be nothing to break off… Face it your relationship is worth almost nothing since it had been built on lies and deception from the start.
Crawford entered the shop feeling very much like a condemned man.
"Crawford, Ran's in the basement." A very subdued Ken Hidaka said, giving Crawford a very penetrating look uncharacteristic of him.
In the other side of the shop, Omi didn't say a thing but Crawford could feel the young blonde's gaze like laser sight pointing at his back.
"Arigatou, Hidaka."
"Don't thank me. Just straighten out the mess between you and A--Ran." Hidaka said, not really looking at Crawford.
"Aa." Crawford replied. He knew that Ran must have told the other Weiß members of what had happened between them and he didn't blame them in the least for being wary of him. He went to the back of the shop and climbed down into the basement.
Now I lay me down to sleep…*
***
It was as bad as Crawford feared. Ran was pacing with a scowl on his beautiful face while Kudou sat on the couch. The blonde looked like he'd rather be anywhere but in the room.
"Ran…" Crawford said quietly, hoping fervently that this wasn't a bad idea.
"Crawford…" Ran replied just as quietly, looking up to meet Crawford's eyes.
Time froze for a long moment. Crawford was lost within those deep purple eyes, so full of pain and anguish that they reflected those of the saints in the cathedral.
I caused that…
Emotions flitted pass his awareness. Overwhelming love, shame…guilt, all passed by in that timeless instant. Suddenly, he wanted to embrace Ran, promise every thing just to make the pain go away. Then he remembered what had happened and felt abashed.
"Are you going to stare at each other all day?" Kudou retorted, ruining the moment. Crawford had a mind to strangle him for the interruption.
What am I going to do now?
"Umm, Crawford, please sit down…" Ran said with the same uncertainty Crawford was feeling. It comforted the American somewhat, not all that much but some. It didn't bode well for their relationship if even the redhead was at a loss at how to deal with him.
Crawford sat down with apprehension at the couch that was relatively opposite of where Ran had stopped. He fiddled with his glasses nervously.
***
"Umm, Crawford, please sit down." Ran said inanely, for lack of anything else to say.
He looks so handsome and confident...Or is there a hint of wariness in those blue eyes? Some doubt…
"Okay, guys, play nice. I'm leaving you guys to discuss whatever you need to in private. Yelling's allowed but no hitting or weapons." Youji said quietly, earning him two glares. He gave Ran a pointed look and then both the redhead and the precog were alone in the room.
Youji, how could you abandon me like this? Now what do I do now?
Ran got to the nearest couch and sat down. His knees felt unsteady like they had turned to jelly and there was something in him that wanted to go out of the door and never come back.
Ken's right you are a coward, what are you afraid of? He'll go if you tell him and no real need to force him. And you've hidden from him for far too long…
***
Meanwhile, Crawford himself was having his own struggle with his doubts.
What are you waiting for, Brad? This is your chance to apologize and tell him. Or are you going to let him waltz out of your life without a fight?
Finally, he blurted the only thing that he could think of.
"Ran, I'm sorry."
***
"Hn?" Ran said. He didn't know what to say to that. Crawford's voice was barely above a whisper and his face was tight and strained.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?" It was as hard as Ran could make it. Steel and ice, like the unforgiving cold of the spring melt running to its inevitable conclusion.
An apology, how quaint…does he think he can just apologize for all the havoc he has caused? Apologies don't bring back the dead…
"I'm not sure."
"For what we shared?"
"Never that."
"Then what?"
"For deceiving…for wanting Schuldich dead…for taking advantage of you…for…for everything…"
"Why did you do it? We…were happy. We loved one another, wasn't it so obvious?" Cold venom cascaded out of Aya's mouth easily. He was angry, angry at this stupid, cheesy melodrama that his life has become.
I want to know so I can move on… Ken's right… I can't do anything about what happened before but I'll be stuck in this rut forever if I don't clear it up. It's not about Schuldich now. It's about my life. He's dead, and as much as I'd like to hold onto him I can't bring him back again...
***
What was it? They had been happy… Did I envy them that? No, I had been happy for Schuldich once… No it wasn't that…
Crawford looked deep inside himself and found the answers.
"I…make no excuses. I knew you loved each other, a blind man could have seen it. It was just that…that…Ran…I am human too. Lonely, I never thought I was, but that must have been, loneliness and you…you…were so lovely and so loving. You were there. Affection-starved that I was…you offering your innocent support and understanding. I wanted more of that…and soon, I wanted what you gave Schuldich, I guess."
"That excuses what you did?" Ran's eyes were intense cold lasers aimed at Crawford, almost as if they were back in the old days, Abyssinian glaring at Oracle.
"No, it doesn't." Crawford replied barely audibly, looking everywhere but into the flashing amethysts.
"I'm happy that you know it."
"Ran…I am sorry for all it's worth."
"It's not worth much." Stone, unyielding and plain, without feeling whatsoever marred the tone.
"What more do you want from me? I couldn't say that I am sorry about all of it…"
Ran said nothing, though his continual glare chilled Crawford to the bone.
He must really hate me now…
"Well, I think I must be going…" Crawford said faintly, he tried to stand up straight but his hopelessness wearied him.
***
Crawford was walking out the door, his head bowed in defeat. Ran had never seen Oracle that way not even when Schwartz failed in the Rite. He found no particular pleasure that he thought he would feel seeing the precog that way.
He killed Schuldich, he broke trust, he…he…
An image came to Ran, Schuldich as he was before they had become lovers. The confrontation…
***
They were fighting in the abandoned warehouse, just routine…
"Schwartz, shi-ne!" Abyssinian shouted, charging with his sword upraised. The telepath was in way, and he was certain he was going to get the bastard.
"Tsk, tsk, Abyssinian, missed again." Mastermind taunted, as he dodged with his almost superhuman speed.
"Schwartz, I will kill you for what you did to my family!" Aya screamed, defiantly charging again.
"Hah, missed again."
"Stand still, don't cheat, telepath."
Slash. Dodge. Slash. Feint. Dodge.
"You know what wrong with you, Abyssinian?"
"I could hardly take the advice of the murderer of my family."
Slash. Dodge. Pause. Both taking panted, taking a break from the fighting.
"You're getting it anyway. You're…to…uptight…and…self-centered…"
"Hn?"
"I'm a fine one to talk, eh? The trouble with you is that you don't seem to think of the other guy. I mean did it ever occur to you that I don't like murdering other people. How it's like for a telepath to be killing people?"
"You're a sadistic bastard."
Isn't that self-explanatory?
"Oh, really now?" Schuldich was gone in a flash and the Schwartz retreat was underway. He left before Ran could hurl a scathing retort.
***
The words haunted Ran as he went over his chores in the flower shop. He nearly drowned the begonias * in front of the shop.
What does he mean by that…Is there really something more to the sadistic front they put up? Someone, someone who might've felt the guilt of the overwhelming number of lives, he had taken? Shadows gibbering before you sleep, like a bunch of ever-present bogeys, except you know their names. Wondering about those that had been left behind…
He nearly burnt the miso soup he was cooking for breakfast of a morning.
Who might've had a doting father who took him out to work? A mother who packed his lunches and worried over his scrapes and bruises, someone who might worry about them every time they went out on the missions? Siblings who look up to them and play with them?
He put a pink carnation in the bouquet that's suppose to be purely yellows.
Did it mean anything at all or is it just his twisted way of playing with me…he's a manipulative bastard. He must be… He killed my family and others with the same lack of mercy… He's played with Omi and Ouka… What else could it be?
To acknowledge anything else would counter what he knew about Schwartz. It would change the hatred that rooted solid into the soil of his being. It has become part of his identity and to let go would be to let go of self. It was too hard to contemplate. However, the seed of doubt begun to grow…
Maybe we're not so different. After all, I don't really know him…
***
Finally, a mission, Ran was actually looking forward to seeing Schwartz so that he can tell the mouthy telepath off.
"Abyssinian, did you think of our last conversation?" Schuldich purred. The burr in the husky voice traveled up and down Aya's spine making him lose his train of thought. Caught without words, Ran just slashed at the infuriating telepath.
"Well, have you thought of it?"
Silence. Slash. Dodge. Slash.
"You're so stubborn…can't you admit a little thing like that…" Schuldich taunted.
"Ie, we are not the same!" Ran finally exclaimed, provoked into saying the first thing that came into his confused mind.
"Ah, a reaction…" Schuldich retorted lightheartedly, though a shade of seriousness came into his eyes before he vanished again with the rest of Schwartz.
***
Since then, Schuldich hounded Ran until the younger redhead had grudgingly acknowledged him and then went on to something more. Schuldich showed Ran his life Estet, the only life he'd ever known and the near family he had in Schwartz. Slowly but surely, though there had been inevitable storms and explosions, Ran had been able to forgive the German.
Why couldn't he do the same to Crawford? Was it that he knew that the telepath had only acted on orders when he took out Ran's family, that it had been a matter of survival? Or was it something more?
A twinge of pain stabbed through Ran's heart.
Nonsense, I could hardly fall in love my lover's murderer, could I?
I could hardly take the advice of the murderer of my family.
Oh, really now?
It seems to me that you're less angry with Crawford than you are with yourself.
Could it be that I've been lying to myself all this time? Do I…could I have…have felt something…something enough…is it him or is it just me?
"Crawford…" The name was out of Ran's mouth before he thought of it.
"Ran…" Crawford raised his head up to stare at Ran, with eyes like dull empty pools.
I don't want him to look that way…
"I…I'm sorry, too." And maybe that was a good start…
~ Owari ~
Author's Notes:
* This is a bit of children's prayer:
Now I lay me down to sleep;
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
I read another version in Reader's Digest that goes:
…And if by chance I do not wake, Amen.
They were in a marines boot camp. >__<
* begonias - the flowers that were pretty popular in the pop literature of a by gone era. No pun intended. Showing my age, aren't I? =^^=
* O--kay, I don't know why they deleted this fic off of ff.n. My guess is for swearing in the summary but I increased the rating anyhow, just to be safe. ;)
*song - Ogie Alcasid - Ikaw Sana
