5. Earth 

It was almost a relief in its own way, the guilt, the waiting all over one way or the other.

But I love Ran, I--I can't lose him now. Not when I am so close…

"I am waiting for an explanation." Ran said into the silence that threatened to stretch into eternity. Nagi had made a clumsy excuse and left the living room to them. The redhead had decided to remain standing on the hallway door, a forbidding presence. 

Not a good sign… 

"Ah, Ran please have a seat. How much did you hear?" Crawford temporized as he tried to scramble whatever's left of his wits. It was rare that he could be surprised like this. 

I shouldn't have ended the vision there after seeing Nagi… Definitely a bad idea…

"Hn. Almost all the conversation." Ran said uncompromisingly. He still remained at the doorway.

"So what do you want to know? Have a seat and we'll discuss this like reasonable human beings." Crawford said suiting action to words by patting the empty spot next to him on the couch.

If I could only reason with him… 

"Hn. Everything." Ran said, his death glare firmly in place but relenting a bit, he sat at the chair farthest from the couch Crawford sat on.

Hardly encouraging…

"Everything?"

"Damned it Crawford stop hedging! I want to know…how long you've wanted me? How long have you been jealous of Schuldich? How long have you been planning to…get rid of him? How could you when Schuldich trusted you? Trusted you above the rest?" The torrent of accusations came fast and furious. Purple eyes were flashing with rage until their gaze were almost physically painful to Crawford in their intensity nor did Crawford fail to notice that Ran didn't address him by his first name.

Schuldich trusted me? Ah, I see it now. He trusted me with you every time he went out on mission… Which makes it all the more damning. Not that I need any more of that. I failed, no matter how I rationalize it. I failed because I wanted Ran. Yes, I might not have planned it that way but what sort of leader would enjoy the embraces of his subordinate's lover while the man was out endangering himself on a mission? But still… I can't fail after I've paid a high price for this…

"I--I didn't do it intentionally, Ran." 

"Hn?" How can I believe you when you've been busy to get in my pants for the last few months?

Crawford almost flinched at the implied accusation.

"As I've said to Nagi, I wouldn't have allowed Schuldich to be killed intentionally. It's not professional."

"I heard the rest of it."

"I was tempted but who wouldn't be. I've been dreaming of you for weeks before the incident."

"So?"

"I hesitated a moment or two. I enjoyed my position a bit before calling him. I knew I could only have that. That was all there was no planning. It just happened." 

"Hn. I can't stay here any longer." Ran stood up abruptly and went for the door.

"Ran, you--"

"Don't try to stop me."

Crawford knew he was losing Ran.

If he walks out, he might not come back again…

***

"…I did try to warn Schuldich but…I hesitated when Ran had me in his arms. I hesitated a few seconds maybe a minute but I did try to warn him."

The words echoed in Ran's mind, an accusation that turned his world upside down.

I caused all this… Did I do anything to encourage Crawford? Any gesture or word I shouldn't have said? Was my supporting him during his visions a touch more intimate than they should've been? Longer than necessary? Did I…inadvertently seduce him? 

All of this was reopening the wound. The loss was freshly raw again in Ran's heart, all the more hurtful for the wave of guilt that assailed him. 

I can't even turn to Crawford for help… 

Ran swore colorfully at that thought.

Damned bastard, he made me depend on him all these months. On him! Oh, the gall of the man! He killed Schuldich and then… But then, it was my fault. I fell into his clutches… Schuldich trusted me with him. Me with him, did I do something I shouldn't have done? Oh no, there it is again. I think I might go mad easily with these thoughts… I've betrayed Schuldich by sleeping with Crawford so soon without questioning the facts…even if I hadn't before…

Ran found himself pinned to a wall by a hard muscular body, hands caressing him desperately, a hot mouth exploring his. He felt his resistance dissolving into the heat of lust. And remembered…

Schuldich pinned him to the wall after the aftermath of a mission, with adrenaline rush of the kill still thrumming in his veins. The telepath had kissed him, tasting faintly of cigarettes. Then they had collapsed in Ran's bed in the Koneko, stripping each other down…Crawford gently touching him…Schuldich a bit rough but still nicely…Feeling Schuldich inside of him…feeling Crawford inside of him…and felt dirty--used. He let Schuldich get killed to have me… I--I can't…

"Ie. Crawford--" Ran said just as Crawford paused for breath.

"Ran, just stay. Stay with me. I--"

"I can't, not after… I need to think…" Ran floundered.

I can't do it here. Not with you around…trying to convince me to be yours. I--I loved--still love Schuldich. I need space. You would never grant me that… Oh, Schu…what am I going to do? I've left Weiß to be with you. I've lost contact with my friends and teammates. Now you're gone and…

***

"But…" Crawford protested.

I can't let him walk away. I must take care of him. He is my responsibility after all. I have some hand in Schuldich's death. I have to take care of him… Tell yourself that Crawford, maybe someday soon you will believe it yourself. You want him for yourself…

"Hn." Ran gave Crawford a death glare of such intensity that it stopped him cold.

"At least let me drive you to the Koneko." Crawford said plaintively.

I need to see him safely "home". There's no telling what might happen if I let him go out in this state of mind… He's too preoccupied to defend himself if something happens… 

"Ie, I can manage for myself." With that Ran left to pack.

***

Ran walked in a haze of preoccupation to the motel room he had rented. It was the second day of his stay in the cheap accommodations. He still had five days to go before having to face Weiß. He didn't want to go back to the Koneko to face the I-told-you-so's he knew was coming but what choice did he have?

They were just concerned about me and…where else can I go?

Ran looked up in the beige ceiling looking for answers that never came.

***

"What do you mean he hadn't come home to the Koneko, Kudo? He said he was going to you guys…" Crawford swore as the former Weiß slammed down the phone on him. He prowled the Schwartz living room stiffly. He worried.

It's been five days and he hasn't turned up at their place… I knew that I should've taken him there instead of allowing him to go on his own… Who knows what could've happened to him in his distracted condition? You shouldn't have let him go. Even if he resurfaces, he's not going to come back to you know. He felt betrayed and hurt. Not that you could've blame him, after what you did, but still…

"Ran, where have you gotten off to?" Crawford muttered to himself, earning a concerned glance from Nagi.

***

Here goes nothing…

Ran unlocked and pushed open the back door of the Koneko to the astonished quiet of the other former Weiß members. The silence that was easily filled with their concerned questions, soon enough.

"Where have you been, Ran-kun? We worried. Crawford kept calling the shop every hour on the hour for the last week."

"Hn." 

Crawford kept calling? I must have really worried him.

The moment of sentiment passed.

He let Schuldich die just so he can have me… He took advantage of my grief and I let him…

Guilt and anguish hardened Ran's heart.

No, I will not let him fool me again… 

"Yeah, Ran, had a lover's quarrel?" Youji asked, exasperatedly.

"Hn."

"You're reverting to your old moody self. If you're going to be annoyed with Schwartz, you could have just come back here instead of worrying us." Ken said, they all followed him out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

"Hn." Ran said, bounding up the stairs.

I can't tell them what happened, not just yet…

Ran let the other Weiß rail at him as he unpacked his bags into his old cabinets.

It's good to be back, even if it had to be something like this… At least I know that Weiß really cares for me unlike Schwartz. I always had doubts…

***

"He finally came home?" Crawford had only time to state the obvious before the phone was slammed down on him again.

He came home. He's fine but he obviously didn't want to talk to me…

Crawford's heart sank to his feet. 

He didn't tell them about what happened to us either… Does that mean I have a chance? Or is it still too painful for him to discuss to anyone even his teammates? 

Crawford drove to the Koneko as fast as he could.

I have to find out… Besides, I'm not sure I believe that he's all right until I see him. It's been a week since he left me and I have been taking care of him for far longer than that. At least he didn't try anything to hurt himself…

***

"Crawford-san is here to see you, Ran-kun." Omi said as he knocked on Ran's door. From Bombay's tone, Ran could almost see big 'puppy-eyes' peering at him in silent plea.

That wouldn't work, Omi…

"Ie, I don't want to see him." Ran said loud enough to be heard through the door. It had been more than a month since Ran had moved back into the Koneko and every day he had Crawford come into the shop asking for him.

"If you say so, Ran-kun." The catch in Omi's voice made Ran groan in annoyance. Everyone now had a drastic turnaround of opinion when Crawford was concerned. He could almost hear the echoes of Youji and Ken in Omi's pleas.

"Have a heart, Ran! The guy's been here asking for you for so long, he's starting to look like a lost puppy. Hell, I'm starting to feel sorry for him even." 

He deserved it, Youji.

"Ran, you're being cruel to the guy. Whatever it was that got you mad, it couldn't be that bad couldn't it?"

It was that bad, Ken. Maybe I should tell them the truth, so that they'll stop bothering me…Aa. I can't let Crawford get away with just letting Schu die to get me. I can't make love to him knowing… knowing that he tried to get me through foul means… Besides, would I be so cheap to fall for him afterwards? No, I'd feel too soiled, too dirty, and how am I going to face Schu in the life hereafter. I'd have betrayed him doubly. For causing his death then sleeping with his murderer… Ie! I love him, I still do… I can't do that to him.

***

"Ran-kun, how long are you going to be mad at Crawford-san? He looks…" 

"About Crawford…" Ran interrupted. It was another morning and rest of Weiß was nagging him as they ate breakfast.

"So you're finally going to tell us what's gotten you all worked up." Youji said in a disgusted tone.

"Gee, Aya, it's been nearly two months, you sure can keep a secret." That's Ken, never one to pull the punches. The emphasis on the name Ran had used while they were still assassins and his sister was still in coma ringed out as an accusation.

"Aa. Youji, you were right." Every word was grudgingly said and felt like lead on Ran's lips but they had to be said.

"Huh?" 

I'm not surprised you don't know what I'm talking about. It's been long enough…from that time of the conversation…

"What you said about Crawford that time? When you accused him of going through Schuldich to get me? You were right."

"Well, shit! Ran…"

"My sentiments exactly."

"So how did it happen, Ran-kun, you said you were watching him."

"Well, he did call Schuldich but he hesitated a moment…" Ran began. He felt very uncomfortable about having to narrate what happened but he knew that Weiß needed to know…had the right to know. After all, weren't they his friends? 

Some friend I've been. Since I moved in with Schuldich, I haven't been much company… I don't even know the name of Omi's new girl friend or which school kids Ken's coaching soccer to…

"It seems to me that you're less angry with Crawford than you are with yourself." Youji said thoughtfully, interrupting the sudden attack of guilt.

"Aa, Ran-kun, I think Youji-kun is right."

"You got to admit that you're going to have to face the man sometime." Ken added.

"Hn! Didn't you guys listen?"

"Aa, we did but you can't avoid from him all your life. Besides, you need to deal with what happened between you. It's like the way I had to with Kase. You can't ever have closure if you keep running away from the man." Ken said, rather annoyed at Ran's timidity at facing Crawford.

"He got tempted, so what? You can't blame him for it all the time when it seems that you have developed feelings for him. Don't punish him for your guilt, Ran." Youji said patiently.

"Youji!" Ran exclaimed loudly as the others.

"Oh, I know you too well, Ran. You do have feelings for him and that is what makes you guilty, ne?"

"Aa, Youji's right. And you can't mourn Schuldich all your life, you have to move on too."

"But not with Crawford."

"If you don't want to. But you have to face him some time." Youji sighed. Ran knew that Youji was probably the one that understood him better in the situation. 

Killing Neu must have really given him perspective…or is it his detective work…

"Ran-kun, I think Youji-kun and Ken-kun are right." Omi's pleading face was irresistible.

"Aa, I'll meet with Crawford." Ran finally consented. His heart was beating erratically and his stomach fluttered in sync with the thought.

I think I'm going to regret this…

"Sugoi, Ran-kun!"

"That's our man, Ran."

"So shall I call his cell phone?" Youji asked and started to do as Ran gave him a tentative nod.

~ TBC ~

Author's Notes:

The next part of this fanfiction is dedicated to our late cats, Mao-Mao and Blocky, whichever cat heaven they may be. This reminded me of one Holy Week fracas when Blocky started to pester a very pregnant and testy Mao-Mao ending up clawed for his pains. I remember clearly that it sounded exactly like the lash of a whip, and pretty loud, too. I was on the other side of the building and yet I heard it quite clearly. I remembered thinking that Blocky had done his penance good and proper for the year. ^^;

Reply to Reviews:
To all the sadists out there, in favor of more Crawford torture... That's how this fic is extending to at least two more parts!  Suggestions are welcome and will be acknowledged... I'm running out of ideas for this fic people and truth is I've been thinking of moving on to other fic shores...

To Krimson-san: I'm afraid i really can't resurect Schuldich (unless i turn this into a Crossover to Yu Yu Hakusho and even that is pushing it. *wolfy grins*) Of happy endings, everyone has to work for their own!

To Sardius: I'm glad you still like it even if Schu's not around.

To Hue:  the  "***" mean transistions of one form or the other.  Sorry if i was a bit chaotic. ^__^;

To Wolfdream and DragonSoul: Yes, Brad's in trouble and will continue to be in trouble, he's just extended the fic. ^__^  

Why do these fics always expand sharply out of my outline? ^^;

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