6/19/07
My inner voices are angry and upset. They want to know why they have been maimed, and why they can�t come out when they want/need to. I am sick inside. Sick of being quiet, of ignoring the voices. They are desperate to come out and will do whatever necessary to destroy me until they can. I am in utter contempt, shamed. Quieted by voices on the outside. Those who want me to remain alone and quiet. Those who despise me to the core. Not just the me, most people see, but the me that suffers in agony twisting upon myself creating new parts. Crimson flows from my mind like blood from my flesh. Oh to paint the abstract emotions that are felt. To portray them, the way I feel them fully. Disgusted inside.
Eternal Grave
Written 5/14/07@ 18:53pm
Living inside you
I dissolve your flesh
Muscles and bone
I topple any hope
Mirror all your mistakes
Duplicate your insanity
Mask your pleasure
With a veil of darkness
I haunt you at night
Taunt you by day
Travel with you each walk
Grasp you desperately
When you talk
Stealing your words
Your emotions
Granting my secret desire
To see you fail
To see you embarrassed
To know you are shamed
Longing for you to fade
Fade into the earth
Your eternal grave.
A Fight
Shining in the night
No one can clearly see it
Give way to little freedom
No one to pass judgement
Time to cover up again
From those who do not understand
Cover up the mysteries
All my life in balance
Written 3/15/07 @ 4am-ish
Written Feb. 19, 2007 the day before my 2nd hospitalization
Darkness endwells my soul, my spirit in limbo. Deceitfulness robs me of happiness. Allowing the sea to rise up and crash into me, sinking me. All of me capsized into the deep dark world. The smell of death has me succumbed to the indirect pity, I have on myself. Embellished with lillies, my casket awaits finality. The weakest part of me, made new. The sacrafices made, that my life would be created differently then anticipated. The secrets of lies and untold desperate thoughts that lavish in the lust I've allowed. My body turns to dust, burnt and placed in an urn. My shallow life exposed and the darkness reveals itself. Twitching in agony, the shell of disgust is displaced, ribirth exsists. Madness exposed and cast into eternal seperation.
Written May 6, 2005
Dangerous Mind
Tampering with evidence
Dangerously serving
Disgrace to life
Paint the canvas
Written April 28, 2005
Desperate
Eluding peace
Written Feburary 6, 2003
Become a word, so shallow on paper
Written March 5, 2003
I feel you under my skin
Dragging me into a shallow hell
I feel your breath, as if its my own
Leaving behind secret residue
Written January 20, 2005
Deep breath, inhaled, wanting to feel anything. Nothing is felt.
Longing for you still, despretly searching through the night to find you.
The sky opens
Under pressure, my chest is ready to explode with anxiety. Panic is the only thing I am feeling. Scared of nothing, yet of everything. This must be what its like to be a whale that is beaching itself. Needing the water to survive, and drowning in the shallow air of which it breaths. Feeling the pressure of its lungs collapsing, and yet there is nothing it can do to save itself. My breath feels strong, yet the pressure is caving in on me. Pain causing my heart to beat faster and harder. I can feel it in my ears, as if I am listening to my loves heartbeat when I lay on her breast. I need to feel her breast beneath my head right now to calm me as she runs her fingers through my hair, letting me know that its going to be ok. I try to breathe deep, but this isnt helping. I try to stay calm, only my rivers are raging. Crashing against rock, pounding the shoreline of my soul. Under pressure, I am ready to explode, I am ready to die. I am so scared. I am the whale beaching myself on a shoreline of death, of sorrow, of pain, pressing down on my soul, my heart aches inside my chest.
June 9, 2003 Month by month, your mother and I, long for you. We do everything in our power to hurry you along. Never forgetting why exactly it is that you are wanted. We long to hold you in our arms. We long to wake with you in the middle of the night. We need you here in our home, to fill the room that waits. We need you to fill our lives with love we never imagined, never anticipated. I will bare you for your mother and I. She will be a wonderful mother, role model, friend to you, as will I. We will be excellent mothers. I have so much faith that you will come. It never even concerns me that you wont. Some way, some day you will join us, to make a perfact, wonderful family. We will be strong, the 3 of us, and maybe one day we will be 6, maybe more. But until that day we will long for you, desire you, love you before you are even concieved. God placed you in our lives, in a moment in time for which we will be utterly blessed by your presence. Although we are unsure of the exact hour you will arrive or even the month. We are sure of one thing, you are a gift from God, and you are meant to be our child.
April 4, 2003 For Hannah, my beautiful neice. When I look back on the last 12 months of your life, I realize how amazing love is. How much you can actually love another human, with no reservation. No obscure reasons for despise. An awe-inspiring love, God calls agape. Loving without reservation� loving unselfishly with out reason.
As I try to comprehend this love, I am left helplessly longing for words to describe my feelings. Yet nothing can express it as I feel it. No word, no sentence, or paragraph can sum it up. It is a love like no other. It is a love that I long for. I look at you, and my soul smiles. This love is agape. This love is pure, unbroken, and perfect, in every sense. I love you with my entire being.
April 3, 2003
Yesterday, you were gone seven years. Seven years you left me cold and helpless, alone. Missng you. Hearing your voice in my head, for seven years. Long slow dance, of memories, painfully revealing time I'd soon long for. Happy for the 18 years we had, but cheated out of 7 beautiful years. Lost in time. I wonder if when we meet in heaven, will you know my face. Will you know I was your granddaughter? Will you know I longed for you, Seven years and more?
I yearn for you to sign "I Love You".
Written December 4, 2001
Shadows dancing
Darkened night
Tattered and torn
Broken bits and pieces
Firey eyes
Forgotten souls
Yet Again
12/04/01
Aching body
Holding on to anything
The sharp blade
The twinge of the spasm
Crying for help
Scolding the surface
losing daylight to the flame
the moon comes out to shine
and covers up the pain
when dusk has finally come
The scars upon this body
Are free to come undone
From the drapes it usually bears
to grant the flesh a reason
to come out to feel the air
for they know not what they've seen
shadows can be excuses
for marks below the sleeves
as daylight is drawing near
find another long sleeved shirt
to cover up the fear
the self-proclaiming lie
that one begins to tell herself
Its the only way, or die.
that may pose a threat
a friend may walk away again
exposing it, I'll regret.
to a succombing world
each waking hour a challange
to fight for a little girl.
Tracing smeared edges of reality
Embracing consequence
Weakness envelops the soul
The carved affection of oneself
Blameless illusions
Dancing threats
Embedded seeds of pain
Disgusting face
Mirrored image
Deep shades of red
Thickened splashes
Lifeless blood
My mind wanders
Aimless toward darkness
Scattered pieces among
Ravaged deserts
Tangled emotions, lost in webs
I tirelessly weave
Angry illusions poison my thoughts
Deceased trappings of memories
I dare not remember
Desperately seeking peace
Falling aimless into the
Black pit of my mind
Dare not touch me, think of me
My poison intoxicates
Breathe no more
Cutting through flesh
Dripping red streaks
Across my canvas my paint
Expresses the entire being, my existence
Carving beautiful lines
My flesh gives way
Beneath the surface
Exposing itself freely.
Black ink on white sheets
The forefront to a soul, so cold, so hollow
Black ink, become my soul, my mystery
Shout my exclamations, pursue my pain, my darkness
Glorify my existence, with words spilled on white.
Painfully expel my darkness, seep out of this shell.
Allow white to enter through narrow cracks, as my heart exposes itself
Submerge my soul into water. Cast it into firey hell.
Condemn me, with your harshness. Black ink consume my shadowed hell.
Under my skin I feel you twisting
Teeth gnashing, stretching my skin
With thick ripples of red
Burning, aching my skin crawls
With flames that burrow into my skin
I feel you inside me.
Blaming me for your disaster
Torturing my insides out
Bleeding heart spilling pain
The very thing, that would have proved you did it
I wiped away in shame
I still feel you inside me twisting, teeth gnashing.
Reaching inside myself, trying to imagine any sensation
that may bring peace to my soul. Dark clouds billow above me
Leaning back to watch rain drops plummet to the ground.
Feeling like I feel, aimless. Endless the earth�s tunnel ever
drawing near. Into a puddle the hard work of that single drop.
Sharing it with other drops, which also fell aimless.
Swiftly, the drops now raging, running fast through my mind
Gasping, feeling sealed off. Deep sense of sadness, rage.
Written January 19, 2005
Your not there, your no where. Begging on bent knee, to feel your
presense inside me. To feel your hands reaching for me, your legs streching,
growing. To hear your heart beating, thump. To honestly believe
all of my dreams have come true. Praying that one day you will lie helpless
in my arms, depending on me. My love, providing every need you will
ever have, is my endless passion. You are my endless passion. I will never
give up on you. You are destined to be my child. One day.
Written 02/18/04-02/19/04
Soft pellets of dew
Fall from the sky
Painful illusions, bursting
Lightening blazes,
Flashing before my eyes
Cactus thorns, pierce my skin
Tattered and torn, bleeding
Cutting me like razors
Carving my flesh like canvas
Painting my mysteries
Splashing with reds and yellows
Fire expelled, center of my being
Purposefully yielding,
bruising comments or questions
Burning, floods of raging rivers
Passing stone cold crevices
In the earth's mouth
Beating, palpitating heart
Beneath the wild raging water
Dwells, massive canyons beneath surfaces
Of my flesh
Boney prominence of words
Slandering me,
My soul breaks free from solace, comfort.
Midnight hour
Sirens screeching
Blasting the towers
Smog in the air
Cold and lonely
On the streets everywhere
Bruised by reality
Scorned in the mind
Tortured insanity
Of life in the night
Sleeping in cardboard
Waiting for the light
Scared cold truth
Beard in disguise
Lost on this earth
Once loved by someone
Careless lives
Living with no one
How do we get to this point???
Pain
Pins and needles
Pain never imagined
Grasping a hold
With substance
With the ability to squeeze tight
To get me through the next knife
Pierces my skin
Into the muscle
Tearing it into shreds
That twists upon itself
Screaming inside,
No one hears me
But nothing
The next twinge
The next knife
Of the skin that I wear
Only to be tortured
Yet again.
January 31, 2003
Live inside me, understand me. Breathe my breath, blink my eyes. Feel the muscles creeping burning. Feel my chest pound, each beat of my blood. Be my bones, strengthen me. Lay in bed with me, become my body. Consume me, fill me. Live inside me, understand me. Listen to the words in my head. Listen to the pain, my brain says I'm feeling. Hear my bones cry out. Hear each crack in my joints. Consume me. Be my eyes, see the world like I do. Bleak, sorrow. Cry my tears. See my headstone. Read what I wrote. Live inside me, understand me.
Jan. 21, 2003
Pain, pouring from my body, my limbs throb. Each beat of my heart, blood crawling in my veins, burn. Needles imbedded inside each muscle, one by one pushed deeper. My soul screams outwardly, no one hears. Tree's with many branches, cold wind effortlessly sweeps through. Tearing limbs off their trunk, as my hands off my body. Other trees acknowledge, as their limbs break, although helpless. Anyone, hear me? Screaming inside....outside.
