 What’s
a Shy Kid?
- Have you ever felt your
cheeks get hot, had your palms
sweat, or been afraid to look into your teacher's eyes when he or she
is about
to call on someone?
- Do you ever find yourself
afraid to talk, feel yourself get
shaky, or do things like play with your hair when you are around other
people?
- Would you rather
watch TV or play on your computer instead of hanging out with
your friends after school?
If you answered
yes to any of these questions, chances are
that you have felt shy at least once. The good news is that you are not
alone.
Everyone feels shy in some situations.
Outward Signs - One of the difficulties of
being shy is that it is very often impossible to hide your shyness from
other people. Signs of shyness include frequent trouble talking,
stammering, stuttering, blushing, shaking, sweating hands. When these
things start to happen, the shy person often becomes more upset and
less able to deal with the current conversation or
situation. Please keep in mind that these things happen to
everyone sometimes. We all get nervous in new situations and then
the more the nervousness is thought about, the more nervous we may
become.
Inward Signs - Many shy people have both inward and outward signs of
shyness. However some people can act confident on the outside,
but feel miserable on the inside. While these people act very
self-assured on the outside, inside they have a racing heart and almost
constant thoughts on how the conversation is going, how they look, if
the other people in the room like them, and how quickly they can leave
the situation and return home.
Why Me? - This is a
question that many people ask, but no one really has the answer.
Some research says shyness is a result of genetics (you're born that
way) and other research points to the environment (how you're
raised). Since no one really knows what causes shyness, it's
probably best to focus your time and energy on learning how to like
yourself and celebrate who you are rather than worry about how you got
sidetracked by shyness.
Symptoms
of
Shyness
|
Behavior
|
Physiological
|
Cognitive
|
Affective
|
|
Inhibition and passivity
|
Accelerated heart rate
|
Negative thoughts about the
self, the situation, and others
|
Embarrassment and painful
self-consciousness
|
|
Gaze aversion
|
Dry mouth
|
Fear of negative evaluation and
looking foolish to others
|
Shame
|
|
Avoidance of feared situations
|
Trembling or shaking
|
Worry and rumination,
perfectionism
|
Low self-esteem
|
|
Low speaking voice
|
Sweating
|
Self-blaming attributions,
particularly after social interactions
|
Dejection and sadness
|
|
Little body movement or
expression or Excessive nodding or smiling
|
Feeling faint or dizzy,
butterflies in stomach or nausea
|
Negative beliefs about the self
(weak) and others (powerful), often out of awareness
|
Loneliness
|
|
Speech dysfluencies
|
Experiencing the situation or
oneself as unreal or removed
|
Negative biases in the
self-concept, e.g., "I am socially inadequate, unlovable, unattractive."
|
Depression
|
|
Nervous behaviors, such as
touching one's hair or face
|
Fear of losing control, going
crazy, or having a heart attack
|
A belief that there is a
"correct" protocol that the shy person must guess, rather than mutual
definitions of social situations
|
Anxiety
|
How To
Overcome Shyness
Remember
me? I was the
guy at your school dance or birthday party. You know, the one standing
up
against the wall with his arms folded trying to look like he was having
a good
time? I was so insecure that when I summoned enough courage to ask
someone to
dance, I would make sure that she was near a washroom. That way, when
she
rejected me I could pretend that I was just asking for directions.
If
you can
relate to this,
you probably feel that you are shy or have low self-esteem. However,
don’t
think of it as some terminal desease. There’s nothing wrong with being
shy. But
it’s another story if you let your shyness stop you from doing things,
from
meeting people, from enjoying life.
Now these tips may not
change your whole life, but I have overcome my own shyness over the
years and
there are a few ideas that I’d like to share with you to get you
started.
1. GET OUT
AND TALK TO
PEOPLE. Sitting around all day playing with your computer or watching
reruns of
“Star Trek - The Next Generation” are not going to provide you with a
lot of
opportunities. If you’re invited to go somewhere...GO! Don’t make up
excuses to
stay home. It’s the little things that cause a chain reaction. You may
not
think that going to your friends party is important, but often you will
meet
someone who introduces you to someone else, and then that person will
eventually lead you to something that will change the course of your
entire
life.
2. JOIN A CLUB. Meet some
people. Figure out what some of your interests , hobbies or talents
are, and
then hang out with people who have the same interests.
3. PERFORM IN PUBLIC The
biggest turning point in my life was when I joined the school Drama
Club. I
discovered that I could act and make people laugh. I eventually went on
to
become a professional comedian-actor. Now you don’t have to become a
pro, but
it is important that you learn to deal with the public. Join the school
drama
club or local community theatre. Take up singing or even try Karaoke.
How about
a debate club? Anything that requires speaking or performing in front
of people
will do. It is important to know that you don’t even have to be good at
it.
Just DO IT! TRY IT! You’ll get better at it as time goes on and your
confidence
will soar. (By the way, did you know that Robert DeNiro is very shy?)
4. TALK ABOUT THEIR
FAVORITE
SUBJECT -- THEMSELVES! Sometimes talking to someone new can be very
uncomfortable.
We’re worried that they won’t find us interesting, that they won’t like
us,
that we’re not good enough for them. We’re so busy worried about what
the other
person is thinking about us that we don’t even hear what they’re
saying.
Do you want them to like
you? Keep them busy talking about themselves. Ask them questions about
what
they do, about what their interests are. Eventually they’ll start
asking you
about yourself. Give them honest answers (don’t try to impress them)
and then
go right back to talking about them again. They’ll go away thinking
“What a
great person”. Because you’ve shown an unselfish genuine interest in
them, how
can they find you boring and not like you?
<>
5. SAY IT WITH
COMMITMENT.
If you have an opinion, an idea, or a belief, express it with 100%
commitment.
Not everyone is going to agree with you but you do have the right to
say what’s
on your mind. Politicians can’t make everyone happy but they know this
much: If
you say something with uncertainty and no one agrees with you they’ll
all “jump
on you” and say you’re wrong. However, if you say it with all your
heart and
commitment and no one agrees with you, they’ll just call you
controversial --
but they’ll respect what you have to say.
6. STOP TRYING TO BE
PERFECT. Why is it that so many people think that being perfect is the
way to
go? Often, people who are shy or have low self-esteem feel the need to
be
perfect just to break even with the rest of the world. They think they
have to
be twice as good to be any good. You don’t! You just have to be
yourself.
7. BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND
Do you put yourself down? Do you call yourself names in your own head?
Stop it
immediately! Give yourself a break. If you don’t like yourself, how do
you
expect anyone else to?
Remember,
overcoming shyness is a gradual process and often not so easy, If you
want to
learn how to swim, you know that you’re going to have to get a little
wet! But
once you’re in the water, you’ll never want to come out.
by
Art Nefsky
http://www.nefsky.com/pg-shyness.htm
(7/26/04)
Building
Confidence
Look At
Yourself
- Really look at yourself. Stand in frront of your mirror and take
a good look. This is really hard for a lot of kids to do, but try
- it's important. That's your face youu're looking at and it's
going to be with you for a long time, so it would be really
helpful if you would stop worrying so much about it and start liking
it. Learning to really look at yourself in the mirror and accepting all
the good and not so good things about your face is an important step in
feeling more comfortable with you and then, with everyone else.
Practice -
It takes practice to stop being so hard on your looks. But, if
you look at other people's faces, you will see that no one looks
perfect. You may think your favorite singer or actor looks perfect, but
everyone's idea of perfect is different. (And people look a lot
different under all that stage makeup.)
Your job is to start seeing the beautiful things about you. It takes
practice. You might notice that the expression on your face makes
a big difference in how you look. The most attractive people have
eyes that say "talk to me", not turn away. Can you say "look at
me" and "turn away" with your eyes in the mirror? Do you see what
a big difference it makes in the way your face looks? The
expression in your eyes and on your face means a lot more than the size
of you nose or the color of your skin.
Dress for Comfort
- It's important that clothes make you feel physically and emotionally
comfortable. Clothes say a great deal about the person who's wearing
them. Kids who want to fit in, tend to wear clothes that are similar to
what their classmates are wearing. Kids who don't want to fit in (or
want to be left alone) wear very different clothes to send people away
from them. Parents may make silly comments about how kids all like to
dress alike, but don't most of them dress alike too? If you walked into
your parent's offices right now, you wouldn't see too many people who
are dressed that differently from each other. People of all ages really
want to fit in with the group they're hanging out with. That's really
okay as long as you don't worry that your jacket didn't cost as much as
your friends, or your sneakers are not the most cool ones or your jeans
are one inch shorter than your friend's jeans.
Everyone wants to fit in, but it's more than okay (it's actually pretty
terrific) to develop your own personal style that you can wear with
confidence.
Hygiene/Manners
- Okay, now that you've taken a liking to yoour face and your clothes,
let's work on cleaning and manners. The simple fact is that if a kid
smells bad and has dirty teeth, other kids and grown-ups won't want to
come too close.
Now some kids think their face will melt if water comes too close to
them, but it's really not true. Taking a bath or shower every day, or
every other day (with soap) and brushing your teeth at least twice a
day makes a big difference in every kid's appearance.
Not enough can be said about being polite. Using please and thank you
in your conversations with kids and grown-ups says a lot. It says that
you respect them. Everyone wants and needs respect.—
Exploring Talents
- Some people discover their talents very eaarly in their life. Lucky
them! But for most of us, it takes some time and effort to discover
what we like to do and what we are good at. And, the only way to
uncover talents is by trying many different things.
Some people try baseball and when they don't like it, say they don't
like sports. Well, maybe they don't like baseball, or team sports.
Maybe they would like and be good at tennis. If you love music and take
violin lessons only to find out that violin gives you a headache, maybe
your fingers would make a piano come alive. Some kids have an
exceptional talent with younger children and volunteer after school at
day-care centers or organize activities with younger children in their
neighborhood.
There are so many things to find out about yourself, so many wonderful
things to discover. Maybe by next year, you will see that you are a
talented artist, a good flute
player, a warm-hearted big brother or sister, an award winning
first baseman, a pretty good jazz dancer. There are so many many
things to try. Start today.
Take Care of
Yourself - Most kids do a lot of thinking about
themselves. But taking care of yourself will give you a much
better feeling about yourself than merely thinking about yourself all
the time. There are lots of ways to start taking care of
yourself. Since your parents have a big role in taking care of
you now, you probably want to talk to them about ways you could begin
to take on more of the responsibility for you.
Depending on age and strength, kids can do many things like: make the
bed, take out the garbage, make their own lunch for school, do their
own laundry, practice piano without reminders, get an after school or
summer job, do the dinner dishes or clean up the house. There is
nothing that will build confidence more than being able to say "I can
really do that".
http://www.shykids.com/shykidsconfidence.htm
(7/26/04 )
Making Friends
Choosing Friends - Before
you make friends, you have to
decide who you want to be your friends. Most people like to have
friends who
like to do the same kinds of things they do. That doesn't mean you have
to be
exactly like each other, just that you enjoy some of the same things.
If you're
really into sports, you probably will want friends who enjoy playing
many of
the same games you do. Likewise, if you love to read books, you will
probably
enjoy the company of readers. Forming a book club is a great way to get
a group
of kids together who share your interests. Think
about your favorite things to do and try
talking to your classmates
at lunch or recess about your hobbies. You're bound to find at least
one person
who's excited about the same things that excite and interest you.
Making
Friends -
- The
quickest way to make a friend is to
smile. When you smile, people think you are friendly and easy to talk
to. It
may not be easy at first to smile. But, you can practice in the mirror.
When
you look at yourself, think if you'd rather talk to your smiling face
or your
usual face that may look scared or angry. Remember that other people
have
feelings too and most people will stay away from a scared or angry
looking
face.
- One easy way to start a conversation with someone is
to say
something
nice about them. For example, you could comment on a great answer to a
teacher's question, good catch at the ball field, pretty shirt,
etc...Think
about how great you feel when someone says something nice to you.
Doesn't it
make you want to keep talking to that person?
- Ask your new friends
questions
about themselves. Who's their favorite singer, where do they live,
who's their
teacher, what do they do after school are all good questions to start a
conversation. It's
not really nosey
to ask questions about people. It's the only way to get to know what
they're
like. AND, it's the only way they'll know that you are interested in
them.
- Make sure you have something to
add to the
conversation too. When someone asks you a question, do have an answer
for them.
If you don't know who your favorite singer is, or what your hobbies
are, think
about it. There's nothing that will stop a conversation quicker than a
shrug
for an answer. You can get to know yourself by keeping a journal.
- Shy kids
often have some trouble with complements. When someone says something
nice,
shykids will often freeze in their tracks and say nothing. This leaves
the
other person wondering if they said something wrong. The best and
easiest reply
to a complement is a simple "Thank You".
- Be a friend. Kids who
show an interest in other kids and who are kind and friendly make good
friends.
Remember, everyone wants to be around people who like to do similar
things and
people who are nice to them..
Activities - After you've
made some friends that share
the same interests, it's always fun to plan activities together that
you'll both
enjoy. Inviting a friend over to your house after school is a great way
to make
your friendship closer. If you know a
game your friend likes to play, you can plan to do that together. If
you and
your friend like to play outside, think of some things you have around
the
house that you can organize to do outside. Make sure the activities can
be done
together. You may both love playing computer games, but this is
activity best
done alone or with a friend you've known for a really long time. When
you play
a computer game, one person is always left sitting with nothing to do
but
watch. Not fun.
http://www.shykids.com/shykidsfriends.htm
(7/26/04)
Grown
Ups
Talking to
Teachers -
Teachers are just people. Behind that desk, is a living, breathing
human being.
And just like any human being, they will probably be friendly to people
who
talk nicely to them.. Teachers also seem to get along better with
children who
take school work seriously and are prepared for class. And, just like
any other
human being, teachers like to be appreciated. The next time your
teacher helps
you solve a math problem or figure out a science project, say thank you
with a
smile. You'll make your teacher's day and will likely change your
relationship
with your teacher for the rest of the year.
Talking To
Parents - Parents can be very supportive if their
children ask for help. If you think there's something your parents can
do to
help you socialize more or feel more comfortable around people, then do
ask
them. Very often, parents want very much to help, but really don't know
what to
do. Pick a quiet time of the day and ask to talk. Tell them how you
feel. Maybe
they had the same trouble when they were kids. It also might be a good
idea to
ask your parents not to call you shy in front of other people again.
You know
how it goes - your Mom or Dad introduces you to someone, you say
nothing, they
tell the person that you're shy. They're embarrassed because you don't
speak.
Then you're embarrassed because you've been labeled.
And,
without knowing it, you and your parents keep giving
you an excuse for not talking to people. You don't want excuses, you
want
change. Ask your parents to practice with you. One of them can be the
parent,
the other the person being introduced to you. They can practice
introducing you
and having a brief conversation. You can practice saying hello and
answering
questions like "Oh, how old are you"? It may seem silly at first and
you'll have trouble keeping from laughing, but don't give up.
Practicing makes
a big difference.
This
Stranger Thing - This is always a tough one. How
do you deal with the neighbor, the mail carrier, someone walking down
your
street - situations that often seem to cause arguments between kids and
parents. The answer to these questions will vary from kid to kid, from
parent-to-parent because all cultures are different. Some folks live in
small
towns where a hello to everyone is "what's done". Then there are kids
who live in the city who may have been taught not to speak to anyone
they don't
know. If you're having trouble with this and always feel awkward in
these kinds
of situations, you might want to talk to your parents or a teacher
about it.
Where do they think you should draw the line?
http://www.shykids.com/shykidsgrownups.htm
(7/26/04)
Stop
the Labels
Your fear of
being with other kids or talking to grown-ups
is not everything you are. It's just a
small part of the real you waiting to be discovered. By finding
out what you like to do, who you
want to be your friends and what your talents are, you can find
yourself and
lose your shyness.
By telling yourself
or others that you are shy, you
are
telling people (whether you mean to or not) that is all you are. I'm
shy, so
don't expect me to talk, don't expect me to have an opinion, don't
expect too
much from me at all.
Discovering
who you
are is a little scary for everyone but also exciting and very rewarding.
You may
wonder why then, did we name this web site
"Shykids". Well, we knew
that's how you'd find us. And just
because you read a web site called shy kids, doesn't mean you have to
call yourself
one.
So, please
lose the label, read on and discover all those
great things about yourself that are just now beginning to bloom.
http://www.shykids.com/shykidslabels.htm (7/26/04)
Chit-Chat
It's those
casual conversations in school, or on line with
our peers and friends that often become the most awkward moments of the
day. Here are some tips for relaxing and
improving
skills. Remember that almost everyone
feels uncomfortable when first starting conversations.
Don't think about how scared you are.
Just think about what you want to say and
then talk...
Conversation
Starters on the School Bus:
- I
think I
have to take my jacket off. It's so hot on
this bus today.
- If there's
a new bus driver, you can say: Wow, a new bus
driver, I wonder what happened to our old one.
- Did you
have a lot of homework last night?
- What are
you doing this weekend?
- Does your
teacher give homework on the weekends?
- I'm so
tired. I
should have gotten more sleep. What time do you go to sleep?
- I take
piano lessons after school. Do you take
music? (If the answer is no, then ask what
the
person does like to do after school.)
Conversation
Starters on the Lunch Line:
- Wow, pizza again. I love pizza, do you?
- Oh no, not macaroni and cheese. It's awful,
don't
you think? (of course you can substitute your most and least favorites.)
- What do you like to play at recess? I like to
.......(fill in what you like to do).
Keeping
the conversation going:
- Did you
ever get into a conversation and after a few
sentences no one has anything left to say? Here's
a few tips on how to get past those first few
minutes.
- In order
to have an interesting conversation, you have to be
an interesting person. Stay
involved in activities so that you will have something
to talk about. If you don’t do anything but sit around watching TV or
playing
video games there's not a whole lot to talk about.
- Rather than spending a lot of time thinking about
how uncomfortable you are, spend the quiet moments during the day
thinking about different subjects and how you feel about them.
- If you're really sure about what you think about
different subjects, talkinng about it becomes much easier.
- Think about:
- Do you like your teacher, softball, soccer"
- Do you like music and what kind?
- do you like to read and what are your favorite
books and why?
- Do you prefer Nontendo or Playstation?
- Don't be disappointed if every kid doesn't share your
interests. Each of us is different, with
different interests. How we learn who we
like to be with and who we want to be our friends is by honestly
talking about
who we are.
- AND.....during a
conversation, don't be afraid to ask more
questions. Sometimes kids think asking questions is being nosey.
Most people liked to be asked questions about
themselves. It shows that other
people
are interested in them.
The key to
a good conversation is balance. Take turns
talking and really listening to
what the other person is saying so that you can make a comment or ask a
question to keep the conversation going. Remember
that talking to other kids should be fun -
being ridiculous or
silly sometimes is also part of getting to know a new friend.
Exploring
Talents -
Teens
Exploring
Talents - Some people discover their talents very
early in their life. Lucky them! But for most of us, it takes some time
and
effort to discover what we like to do and what we are good at. And, the
only
way to uncover talents, is by trying many different things.
Some
people try baseball and when they don't like it, say
they don't like sports. Well, maybe they don't like baseball, or team
sports.
Maybe they would like and be good at tennis. If you love music and take
violin
lessons only to find out that violin gives you a headache, maybe your
fingers
would make a piano come alive. Some kids have an exceptional talent
with
younger children and volunteer after school at day-care centers or
organize
activities with younger children in their neighborhood.
There are so many things to
find out about yourself, so many
wonderful things to discover. Maybe by next year, you will see that you
are a
talented artist, a good flute player, a
warm-hearted big brother or sister, an award winning first baseman, a
pretty
good jazz dancer. There are so many many
things to try. Start today.
Take Care
of Yourself - Most kids do a lot of thinking about
themselves. But taking care of yourself
will give you a much better feeling about yourself than merely thinking
about
yourself all the time. There are lots of
ways to start taking care of yourself. Since
your parents have a big role in taking care of
you now, you
probably want to talk to them about ways you could begin to take on
more of the
responsibility for you.
Depending
on age and strength, kids can do many things
like: make the bed, take out the garbage, make their own lunch for
school, do
their own laundry, practice piano without reminders, get an after
school or
summer job, do the dinner dishes or clean up the house.
There is nothing that will build confidence
more than being able to say "I can really do that".
http://www.shykids.com/shykidsconfidenceA.htm
(7/26/04)
|
