KickWhamStunner Dual Rant for:
LPWA No Holds Barred & G.L.O.W. Vol. 1
by Jeremiah, reviewed 2/17/2003
--I'm planning to start a solid run of Joshi reviews in the coming weeks and months, but I thought, just for the fun of it, that I'd review the shit that America tries/tried to pass off as women's wrestling. Give everyone some perspective of the light years of distance between Japanese and American women's wrestling, you know? Turned out to be a BIG mistake. Also, GLOW actually used to be shown around here in the 1980s, on Saturdays I believe, and my dad used to laugh his ass off watching at how horrible it was. Actually, now that I think about it, we got ALOT of stuff around here back then. As I've gotten older and talked to more people, it occurs to me that Western PA got more wrestling shown on TV, on a weekly basis, than almost anywhere. Well, except for probably the Mid-South states. Of course we got WWF, but we got NWA TV all the time as well. GLOW was on like weekly or bi-weekly, GWF was on weekly, along with a few other feds I can't remember. But anyway, that's off subject. Now, I'm not gonna bullshit you....this stuff is TERRIBLE!!! But if you want, you're welcome to join me for 2 hours of complete shit as I present to you in a special dual rant---LPWA No Holds Barred and G.L.O.W. Volume 1!!!!
--Oh, by the way....I don't know how many people have noticed this, but I always swear alot more when the material I'm watching is shitty. When I have GOOD tapes to watch, I only swear occasionally. But since I can't abide stupidity, I end up swearing much more. If anybody has a problem with this, then tough shit.
LPWA No Holds Barred
--LPWA was an attempt to actually push women's wrestling in America during the early 1990s....the problem? The '80s wrestling boom was already over, and even WWF and NWA/WCW were feeling it. So how in the blue hell did anyone think that a women's promotion would succeed? Add on to the fact that women's wrestling has never had any appeal to the American wrestling fan in general, and well....they were doomed. The bad part is that there were actually some decent workers in the promotion. Don't get me wrong--there's no comparing Joshi to the LPWA, but at least LPWA TRIED to get some decent workers in there. Well, let's not waste time. On to the review!!!
--We are ON TAPE from Ohtani only knows when and where. We just have to guess I suppose, so my guess is 1991-1992, just from a couple random things said during the matches by the announcers. Your announcers are Some Unknown Guy and Jim Cornette. What in the fuck is Jim Cornette doing fucking around with the LPWA...maybe he was moonlighting, or at least between WWF or SMW stints. Unfortunately though, Jim just mails it in for the most part here. He's nowhere near as funny as other announcing stints he's done, which might have redeemed the tape even more. For all intents and purposes, you might as well consider his announcing for this tape to be Some Random Guy's.
--We start in the LPWA Power Training Center, which I guess is the rough equivalent of the WCW Power Plant, which isn't saying much considering the Power Plant was one of the biggest jokes ever in pro wrestling. Terri Power (Tori from WWF) is working out, then stops and introduces the tape. We get a slo-mo of her jumping from the apron to the floor and landing on her feet.....oooh. Wow, I'm impressed....she can jump from the apron to the floor in slo-mo. Stop the fuckin presses!!!!
--We cut from Terri to Ken Resnick, some kind of faux-studio host for the tape and he introduces each match. So, let's get to YOUR matchlist.....
Nasty Girls vs. Malia Hosaka/Bambi
Tina Moretti vs. Judy Martin
Reggie Bennett vs. Candi Divine
Team America vs. Bad, Black, & Beautiful
Magnificent Mimi vs. Sindy Paradise
Madusa Miceli vs. The Goddess
Terri Power vs. Lady X
Nasty Girls vs. Bambi (Rockin Robin????)/Malia Hosaka
I'm not expecting much from this one. Not being an expert on the LPWA...in fact, knowing nothing at all...I don't know if Rockin Robin went by Bambi in this fed. However, she IS announced as from Stone Mountain, GA, and seeing how she's Jake Roberts' sister, and Jake is from Stone Mountain, it stands to reason. Malia used to wrestle for WCW on occasion in the mid-90s, so if you're over 14 and have watched a decent amount of wrestling, the name should at least ring a bell . I only know one of the Nasty Girls, and that's Kat Leroux (no relation to Lash that I know of) and I have no clue who the other one is. You don't really care anyway, do you?
Malia starts off with the arm, and Bambi comes in with the spinning toe hold. BTW, get used to those two moves, as American women wrestlers only rarely know any moves beyond them. Kat gets a suplex for 2. Malia comes back with a spinkick, but Kat tosses her outside. They brawl outside for the double countout at like 3 minutes. Yes, that's your whole match. Whatever. 1/4*, but ONLY because I don't believe in using DUD. Too short to add much other commentary.
Tina Moretti vs. Judy Martin
If you're even visiting my site and reading this, Judy Martin should be known to you, since she was a regular in the WWF's Token Women Match of the Night (TM) all during the 80s. Of course, Tina Moretti is now known as Ivory in the WWE. Lots of stalling to start. Hairpulling, and Tina gets two straight dropkicks. Martin comes back and hits some rights in the corner. An alleged forearm by Tina to come back, but a monkey flip is blocked. Tina tries again and Martin no-sells. They fuck up a clothesline, then Tina gets a crucifix rollup for 3. 1/4*, again only because I don't use DUD as a rating. However, maybe if Tina wasn't in there with someone who was like 50 years old at this point she would have done something.
Reggie Bennett vs. Candi Divine
Now this might actually be decent, as Reggie is actually pretty fucking good. In fact, Reggie Bennett was the best and most successful woman wrestler from America BY FAR in the 1990s. And if someone tries to call you on that one and say Madusa, all you have to do is look to Japan. Madusa was a sometime-worker, basically a novelty over there....Bennett was a mainstay until she retired a couple years ago. Unfortunately this is 1991, so she's 1) not in Japan to have actual workers help her out, and 2) she's only been wrestling a couple years at this point. I don't think Candi ever appeared in the Big Two in any way, but she IS announced as a former AWA champion....but is that really something you want to go around admitting?
Candi starts out with an armdrag, but Reggie reverses to a cross armbreaker. A nice little headscissor reversal spot leads to Candi getting control again. She stands on Reggie's hair and pulls Reggie from the mat. That's a great women's spot. Candi tries it one time too many and Reggie gets a nice rollup for...no count? Fuckin referee is too busy oagling Reggie's tits or something I guess. Slam and a pair of legdrops by Reggie, but a third one misses. Candi tries to stomp her down, but Reggie reverses to an armbar. Slingshot into nowhere (I have NEVER understood that spot in women's matches...what's the point of slingshotting them if you're not gonna slingshot them INTO something?) Reggie works the leg, then goes into a Boston crab. Decent pinfall reversal sequence, but then Candi horribly fucks up a simple backslide...not even once, but twice. That's PATHETIC!!!! There's 8 year old kids out there imitating wrestling in their bedrooms that can do better than that....I know this because I used to do the same thing when I was eight years old. I was Savage and my cousin was Hogan...the fucking bastard. Do you know how many times I jobbed to that SOB? I'm still scarred from those matches. Oh yeah, THIS match....well, Reggie doesn't enjoy looking like a damn fool carrying Candi on her back, so she destroys her with a clothesline and the Reggie Rack (torture rack) gets the submission. 3/4*. Reggie tried, but it was just too much dead weight to pull.
Team America (Misty Blue Simms/Heidi Lee Morgan) vs. Bad, Black, & Beautiful (Bad Girl/Black Venus) w/Boogaloo Brown
Oh, those silly ladies team names....god damn, aren't promoters just SO creative? As for who these girls are....Team America's names DO sound familiar to me for some reason, but I have no clue where I might have seen them or heard of them. Simms is pretty hot though...and if anybody out there read my AJW Slant Eyed Slaughter review and is experiencing any cognitive dissonance because I got pissed at Dumbfuck #1 only thinking about sex, and here I am saying Simms is hot....well tough shit. This is just a review. If I was announcing the match I'd put over the wrestling first and foremost. But since I'm not announcing, I can do anything I want. I have no info on the heel team, other than Bad is from Springs, Texas and Black Venus is from the Land of Titan Towers, Stamford, Connecticut. Boogaloo Brown is your stylin', pimpin' manager.
The faces initiate a USA chant right away, which is dumb on so many levels, and Cornette backs me up on that a few minutes later. Simms rolls up Venus to start very quickly for 2. Armbars abound, and after a few tags Simms gets a figure four. Boston crab by Morgan. More armbars. Bad Girl finally gets in with a suplex and choking. That gets 2. All 4 women in, and they just COMPLETELY FUCK UP about 30-45 seconds of basic stuff to finish the match. I'd describe it, but they fucked it up so bad that it's impossible to describe. They ended up standing around looking at each other like 4 fucking morons, thus completely exposing the business. Well, if we didn't already know wrestling is worked, then it would have exposed it. Just inexcusable. This piece of shit gets -* and is relieved that it didn't get worse. Now Team America was the LPWA tag champs here in a non-title match, and I'm sure they wanted to get their champs on video, but they had no better match to show than this?
Sindy Paradise vs. Magnificent Mimi w/Jonathan Blue
Mimi has the glamorous movie star gimmick. Sindy is your standard bump machine...she's like 90 pounds, so everyone can throw her around with ease. I have no clue if and when these two ever showed up on any national TV, so whatever to that. Jonathan Blue looks like one of the Harris brothers. Sindy gets a (alleged) clothesline for 2 right away. Mimi gets a suplex and hairtosses. The dreaded spinning toe hold makes its required appearance. I swear to God, that move is one of the stupidest moves ever. How Terry Funk EVER got it over as a submission hold is completely beyond me....but he did get it over, so I really don't care if Funk uses it, but for everyone else it should have been left in 60s where it belongs. Mimi tries a piledriver, but both girls fucking suck so they almost fall over, before Mimi finally just has to drop her down into something that could vaguely be called a powerbomb. Emphasis on vaguely. Hairpulling leads to a handspring elbow(!) by Sindy. After all this shit, where did that come from? Mimi gets the BIG SWING OF ETERNAL DAMNATION!!! Yes people, that is sarcasm. Total fucked up-edness occurs next....Mimi tries holding the leg and then rolling until she has the opponent in a leg bar. Mimi hits two backbreakers, then puts on a cross-knee backbreaker for the submission. 1/4* for that decent handspring elbow.
Madusa Miceli vs. Goddess w/Jonathan Blue
Everyone should know who Madusa is, and damn is she looking hot here. This is way pre-surgery. Goddess is Candi Divine under a mask...the Goddess' gimmick is that she's so beautiful that no one deserves to see what she looks like. Thank Ohtani that she doesn't take off the mask.
Madusa is INSANE over, easily getting the biggest reaction on this entire tape. It's not even close. For the other matches on this tape, and also on the GLOW tape, you're lucky if there's 100 people in the crowd, and even luckier if even ten of them are cheering at any given point. But here, there's actually a pretty good crowd and they are ALL into Madusa. Probably with good reason, as she's undoubtedly the top worker on this tape (Bennett was only in her 2nd or 3rd year on this tape and hadn't got to Japan yet...otherwise it would be her).
Jonathan Blue bitchslaps Madusa before the bell, and Madusa dropkicks them both outside. Goddess pulls Madusa to the apron and rams her leg into the post. Test of strength and Madusa cheats and the crowd loves it. She hits a beautiful northern lights suplex for 2. Vertical suplex for 2. They fight over a Madusa piledriver attempt for a good 30 seconds, beating the crap out of each other in the process. Madusa gives up on the piledriver and settles for kicking Goddess around the ring. An alleged clothesline is fucked up by Goddess, and Madusa is visibly pissed at that one. Another test of strength, and Madusa cheats again. Madusa can do no wrong with this crowd. Suplex attempt by Goddess, but Madusa reverses to a Boston crab, then into a single crab. Goddess comes back and Madusa slides outside and borrows a drink from a guy in the front row. Another badly fucked up spot when Madusa gets on the apron pisses her off even more. Madusa wanted the "shoulderblock then sunset flip from the apron into the ring" spot, but Goddess/Candi is a fucking lump. Suplex for 2. Madusa goes to the arm, Candi reverses. A Madusa spinkick spot is fucked up by Goddess. Geez, do something right! They commit one of wrestling's cardinal sins and repeat the spot, with Madusa getting it this time. Snap powerbomb(!) by Madusa. The play by play Dumbfuck unknown guy calls it a back body drop. Cornette, really emphasizing how much he's mailing it in announcing this tape, lets him get away with it. Missile dropkick and 2nd powerbomb gets 2 before Blue breaks it up. Madusa stupidly turns her back, allowing the Goddess to get a HORRIBLE rollup w/bridge for the 3. That last rollup was painful, as Goddess isn't even on top of Madusa, but Madusa has to lay there like a complete fool. Plus, the ref counted a super-fast three there as Madusa was kicking out....I think Madusa was gonna kick out of that because it was so shitty, and then let Candi win with another rollup a few seconds later. *1/2, which is a shame. Without Goddess/Candi fucking up almost every single move, this match could have been so much better. Still, this match was the highlight of the tape.
Terri Power vs. Lady X
As I said before, Terri Power was Tori in the WWF. Pre-match graphic says she's the Rookie of the Year, and a "sensation" in Japan. Sensation in Japan my ass....she sucks, plain and simple. Lady X is a masked wrestler whose gimmick is that nobody knows who she is. Great gimmick, cause I don't know who she really is either. Come to think of it, I don't really care. Oddly though, Lady X is announced as from Parts Unknown by the ring announcer, but her pre-match graphic says-- From: Canada. So THAT's where Parts Unknown is located!!!
Lady X has been champion for a year at this point. X punches and get knees in the corner to start, but Terri clotheslines out. X bails, and in a funny moment, she complains of hair pulling...but there's a small problem, as she wears a mask and all her hair is under the mask. X gets a full nelson, but Terri powers out and hits a dropkick. Pathetically, Terri is already blown up at this point, sucking major wind at about the 2 minute mark. X rakes the eyes and gets a sleeper, but in an odd moment, Terri reverses to a Stunner. Quite nice actually, surprising me. Elbow gets 2. Cross body for 2. Terri tries a whip, but X reverses to a stungun. X follows up by tossing Terri outside and introducing her to the railing. Terri tries to climb back in but X pounds her down on the apron. Terri finally gets in and hits her one good move, the dropkick. X bails and steals a glass from ringside and "hits" Terri with it. Slam on the outside by X but Terri beats the count. X misses a blind charge, which allows Terri to hit two more dropkicks, and a short clothesline gets 2. Powerslam by Terri, but X gets the foot to the ropes. X reverses a slam to a rollup for 2. Shoulderblocks get 2. X chokes Terri down and heads upstairs, and then....well....X takes a rock out of her bosom, puts it under her mask, and hits a flying headbutt. That was just...dumb. No wait, that was....FUCKING STUPID!!!! That's better. X obviously hurts herself when it hits, but Terri somehow no-sells this devastating maneuver and hits a flying crossbody from the top for the 3. *. It was decent and that's about it.
After the last match, we head back to the training center and into the locker room with Terri. Terri says a bunch of shit and we're done.
Official Grade-- D-. Well, only one match hit negative stars, so it avoids an F for that reason alone. But other than getting a chance to see some women who were in WWF at one point, there's really no reason to watch this tape. Well, you might get a couple laughs at the former WWFers, but that's about it. With Ivory being the only current WWFer on the tape, it doesn't even qualify as a curiosity anymore. Strong recommendation to avoid.
G.L.O.W. Volume 1
--Ok, let me take a deep breath here, because the upcoming shit is just HORRIBLE. I suspect that everyone knows what GLOW is, since we're all wrestling fans and its the punchline to numerous bad wrestling jokes...but here goes. David McLane, porn magnate, current part owner of XPW, and all-around piece of shit, had the idea to start an all-woman promotion in the mid-80s. Yes, it was supposed to be wrestling, but it was blatantly obvious that wrestling was 15th or 16th on the list of priorities for the promotion. The whole selling point, basically, is "Hey, look at these women in bathing suits rolling around with each other." The wrestling was horrible, the angles were horrible....it all sucked. All of it. That's basically all you have to know. However, sadly to say, GLOW actually picked up a cult following....every once in awhile, you'll hear somebody mention GLOW with a sense of nostalgia and a catch in their voice. I recommend not encouraging those people when you meet them, for everyone's sake.
--Alright, this is from the very early period of GLOW, I think it might even be near one of their very first shows. It's easy to tell because I know that Tina Ferrari (Ivory) won the title early during the first season of GLOW because she was the only woman who knew anything about wrestling in the entire promotion. Since she's not the champ, and is in fact buried in a tag team match, that's how I can tell this is early. Also, don't ask me if things improved later, because I don't have any other GLOW tapes and my memory isn't that good.
--Ok, so we are ON TAPE from the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas, at some undetermined time, and your announcer is....David McLane, of course. And here's YOUR (coughbullshitcough) matchlist....
Spanish Red/Royal Hawaiian vs. California Doll/Americana
Salt & Pepper vs. Sara/Mabel
Hollywood & Vine vs. Tina Ferrari/Ashley Cartier
Matilda the Hun vs. Tammy Jones
We get a really crappy video package to kick the tape off, set to Patti Labelle's New Attitude. And this goes on for....13 MINUTES!!!!
Next we get a run through of what the matches will be on the tape, with interviews to supplement them . The interviews have NOTHING to do with wrestling. One girl says she likes ice cream. Another says the food in Africa is great. Hollywood says "don't fuck with us," in an attempt to be shocking by not having "fuck" bleeped out or something. Matilda the Hun (a supposed descendant of Attila the Hun) talks in a REALLY BAD German accent.....it's so bad because its obvious the accent is supposed to be German and even that doesn't come close, but also because Attilla the Hun WAS NOT German....hence the name HUN!!!
And the shit just keeps on coming. Tammy Jones wrestles for the title tonight against Matilda the Hun, but she's worried about her little brother Johnny who is finally getting his leg braces off and the doctors don't know if he'll ever walk again. I shit you fucking not. Meanwhile, Matilda has produced papers that PROVES she's a direct descendant of Attila the Hun. That's just so incredibly fucking stupid that it boggles the mind. Next, David McLane meets Tammy arriving at the Riviera Casino and begins peppering her with questions. Americana, Pepper, and Tina Ferrari are with Tammy. Matilda walks by with her group and a "brawl" breaks out. Oh my god, this is so horrible. Somebody shoot me now. McLane desperately calls for security, which apparently consist of four really bad actors.
We get more clips of Tina, Royal Hawaiian, Ashley Cartier, Americana, Spanish Red, California Doll, Jail Bait, and others. We're damn near 17 minutes into the tape and no wrestling is to be found.
Spanish Red/Royal Hawaiian vs. California Doll/Americana
Doll and Americana are the faces here. Americana has a concept of what an American girl should be and she doesn't like Royal Hawaiian....Royal considers herself American, but Americana doesn't think so because Royal eats pineapples. Just astounding logic there. Royal loves America, but isn't into the apple pie bullshit. We get ring entrances, with obviously inserted clips of "excited" fans clipped into the tape. It's obvious because the cheering fans consist of 7 or 8 people cheering shown over and over in a tightly confined camera shot.
Match starts with Americana verbally abusing Red for being Spanish....but with the comments overdubbed!!!! I can't believe this, I can't make this shit up. Americana-- "I don't wanna hear that nonsense, you're in America so goddammit you speak English!". LOTS and LOTS of armbars and spinning toe holds abound in this match. Nothing else, just those. We get an alleged hiptoss now and then, although there is no visible sign of contact. During the match we get insert clips of the wrestlers talking, supposedly in their pre-match interview. Doll became a wrestler because it's physically demanding. Royal hates it when people say she looks like a pineapple. Spanish Red wanted to be a missionary when she was growing up. There's some really bad rollups going on right now....geez this match is absolutely unafraid to suck in ways I never thought possible until now. Royal thinks Doll only cares about hair. Royal and Americana catfight on the apron while absolutely nothing is happening in the ring. A punch by Royal is punctuated by your typical movie sound effect punch sound. Then we go SLOW MOTION as Royal misses a blind charge, with a close up of Doll leap frogging Royal. Ok, this is pathetic, that leap frog was taped after the match to insert in that close-up. This is bullshit. Airplane spin from Royal. Monkey flip for 2. The heels wishbone Americana (with overdubbed screaming). Spanish likes old fashioned men as Billy Ocean's "Going Gets Tough" plays for no discernible reason....if that's not a clue the match is about to end, I don't know what is. And indeed, a middle rope splash in slo-mo by Royal gets the 3. I'm speechless, words cannot describe how unspeakably horrible this was. -*****.....no wait, this bullshit is nott wrestling and does not get a rating. David McLane needs a fucking Scottish claymore shoved up his ass for putting this shit onto a video. This WOULD HAVE set the record for lowest rating I've ever given a match, but I've decided that G.L.O.W. does not count as wrestling and David McLane is the biggest fucking moron on the planet. So Paul Orndorff and Great Muta, your record is safe from this tape.
Salt & Pepper vs. Sara/Mabel
If you couldn't tell from the witty team name, Salt is white and Pepper is black. That David McLane, he is SO clever. Pre-match, they show clips of Salt and Pepper fighting in a bedroom over a dress. Salt's mom is shown in inset describing Salt's childhood. In a bad interspliced scene, Pepper no sells a beer bottle over the head. They tease a "wacky tag partners fight amongst themselves set-up" as Sara and Mabel come to the ring in Klan hoods and says, and I quote-- "Look at the spade and the honky fighting." I reviewed this tape to be funny and to make fun of all the bad wrestling...I'm now officially embarassed that I've actually watched this. This goes WAY beyond just the bad wrestling. Yet I will go on, for you, my faithful readers. They show super slo-mo of the faces getting beaten by chains. The heels whip the faces with the chains. A super slo-mo shows Sara picking up the old standby balsa wood chair and hitting Pepper....with the slo-mo CLEARLY showing the chair breaking up before contact. Hey McLane, you fuck, if you're gonna do slo-mo, at least do it on something that isn't OBVIOUS, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER!!!!! Anyway, Salt sends Mabel into a table as Billy Ocean cranks up again. I guess Salt and Pepper win by DQ or something. Again, no rating. This wasn't even wrestling. McLane deserves to have a hand grenade shoved up his ass for violating my TV screen with this shit.
Hollywood & Vine w/Aunt Kitty vs. Tina Ferrari/Ashley Cartier
Tina Ferrari=Tina Moretti=Ivory, obviously. The other three I have no clue if they ever did anything else. BTW, both Tina and Ashley are extremely hot at this point. Had the WWF wanted a Sable-type woman in the mid-80s instead of the Miss Liz innocent weak look, Ashley would have gotten the call. Damn. Anyway, the "wrestling"....bad brawling, bad catfighting, lots of posing. Both teams cheat alot. The heels take control with....well, I guess stalling and standing around are controlling moves now. Tina is YOUR face in kinda sorta peril, as nothing is going on but she sells all the inactivity anyway. BTW, McLane is a fucking horrible announcer, even worse than Dumbfucks from the Slant Eyed Slaughter review. The only reason I haven't pointed shit out is that, simply, this show does not qualify as wrestling. The Dumbfucks were actually TRYING to put the wrestling over, only they failed miserably, even spectacularly, one might say. David McLane is just a fucking piece of shit. McLane tries to emphasize Hollywood and Vine's cheating tactics, but Aunt Kitty attacks McLane. Too bad she just yells at him instead of hurting him. "Hot" (i.e., the crowd is silent) tag to Ashley. Bad wrestling commences, multiple moves are missed, the most difficult of which was an armbar (showing how bad this is) before Ashley finally gets an airplane spin and Tina gets a middle rope splash for 3. No rating again, although we're upgrading from the grenade up McLane's ass into rocket launcher being shot into his ass.
Video of Matilda singing a song about raw meat. Tammy sings a wrestling version of Little Teapot. Ugh.
Matilda the Hun vs. Tammy Jones
Matilda is big, of course. Tammy Jones is dressed up like a baby, with her hair fixed up like a five year old. Damn, I guess McLane decided he wasn't pulling in enough of that pedophile demographic. Matilda slams Tammy multiple times and chokes. This is all that happens for 10 minutes. Tammy gets zero offense as Matilda no-sells all and laughs. Matilda body slams Tammy on the concrete and Tammy is about to be counted out....BUT WAIT!!! Little Johnny has crutched his fuckin stupid crippled ass out here. He can walk!!! Hit the dramatic B-movie classic comeback music....and when I say that, it's not a joke....they DO hit the crappy dramatic B-movie comeback music. I couldn't write shit this bad if I fucking tried. What kind of crack was McLane smoking? Obviously, Tammy is inspired now. Tammy back inside and a running headbutt (in slo-mo of course) stuns Matilda. Matilda chokes, but Tammy looks to Johnny again and makes a comeback. A slo-mo cross body from the middle rope gets 3. No rating, but we have to upgrade McLane's punishment to nuclear f'n weapons up the ass. BTW, outta 4 matches, three finished inside the ring, all with a middle rope splash. GET A NEW FUCKING FINISH!!!
Postmatch, Tammy gets her crown and some roses, but the other girls charge the ring and "brawl". Thank the LORD that this fucking tape is over.
Official Grade-- F- times infinity. Let's pretend you never read this and forget this ever happened. I honestly want to shoot myself. This is torture in its worst form, which is why this tape is banned in over 180 countries....oh wait...no, I've just gotten word that it's not banned in over 180 countries. But it should be.
Acknowledgements-- This review was brought to you by the letter F and the number 5. Because that's what computer command you should use after reading this review. However, this review was also brought to you by a glass of iced tea, 2 PB & J sandwiches, and RAW 2/17/2003, which was just another in a long line of shitty RAWs. Honestly, if I actually attended RAW tonight or something, I would have hopped that black ring guard barrier, walked up to JR laying in the ring, and demanded my money back for DARING to present such a piece of shit show. RAW was just horrible. (Sigh). Anyway, aside from those, this review was also brought to you by these songs from my Winamp playlist, which was set on random shuffle......
Duel of the Fates-- from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Tiffany-- Lucky 7
One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces-- Ben Folds Five
Bleeding Me-- Metallica
That Don't Impress Me Much-- Shania Twain
Hold My Hand-- Hootie and the Blowfish
Star Spangled Banner-- Jimi Hendrix
Faded-- Soul Decision
You Make My Dreams-- Hall and Oates
Unity-- Reel Big Fish
What It's Like-- Everlast
AM Radio-- Everclear
Sexx Laws-- Beck
It Takes Two-- Tammi Terrell w/Marvin Gaye
Saturday Night-- Bay City Rollers
Is This Love-- Whitesnake
This Kiss-- Faith Hill
Nutcracker Suite-- Tchiakovsky
Rio-- Duran Duran
Stranded-- Heart
Butter in the Jam-- Distorted Penguins
Tired of Sex-- Weezer
Come Away With Me-- Norah Jones
Grease is the Word-- Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons
Private Idaho-- B-52s
Classic Battle-- from NFL Films Highlight Films
Mama I'm Coming Home-- Ozzy Ozbourne
Knute Rockne's Win One for the Gipper Speech-- from the 1940 film "Knute Rockne, All American"And Finally....
Johnny 99-- Bruce Springsteen