Austin 3:16 Uncensored
by me

THIS.......is Austin 3:16 Uncensored.  Stone Cold will let violence reign and his swearing tell the story.  It's the Stone Cold we all know and love.  This is the 2nd in the Austin series, with the first one being Cause Stone Cold Says So, and the next one being Austin vs. McMahon.  Most of the highlights on this tape are from the summer of 97 until Unforgiven in 98.

Michael "Northern Lights Bitch" Cole plugs various tapes of other wrestlers.  I'm wishing already that Austin will come out and deliver the first Stunner of what is sure to be many on this tape.  Unfortunately, he doesn't, and Michael is still walking around among us.  I'm disappointed in you, Steve.

Good ol JR starts out by interviewing Austin.  JR asks Austin "If you were from the Congo, and had to describe Steve Austin, what should you say."  Austin proceeds to rip off Samuel L. Jackson by answering "Bad Mother Fucker."   Brandon----"What is this, Pulp Austin?"

Old RAW opening plays for us, but unfortunately, it's not the kick ass one where Austin and Bret are slugging it out in the burning warehouse.  I loved that opening.  We segue right into Austin dishing out various amounts of carnage.  This is TOTALLY Stunnerlicious!

The next clip shows Vince pleading with Austin not to always resort to violence.  Also, JR mentions that Stone Cold's language is not always suitable for children.  HAHAHA!!!!!!!  Vince and JR are hilarious, sarcasm mode off.

Clips of Austin raising hell and being generally pissed off.  In other news, grass is green and water is blue.

We discover that Austin is ok (at least in this video).  Talks about Summerslam 97, and is still pissed off about the neck injury.  Well, can't say that I blame him there.  Of course, this being an Austin video, he can't mention Owen's AWESOME performance immediately after that fucked up piledriver.  Watch the whole match if you get the chance.  Right after the piledriver, Owen immediatelly realizes Austin is hurt and stalls for time like only he can, and then, at the right moment, he virtually rolls himself up so Austin can get the pin.

Next, we get clips of the quotable Austin.  Feel free to throw these around at people who piss you off during the course of the day.

To The Nation--"It's not a race thing, it's not a color thing, it's a me kicking your ass thing."
To Goldust---"You suck!!!"  (hmmm...commentary on his wrestling or future career advice to Dustin?)
To Rock---"Since you're a piece of crap, I challenge you to flush yourself down the toilet"
To Santa---"Are you really St. Nick, or you just a fat bastard in a Santa suit."
To Michael the Bitch--"I'll just paint a bullseye on your ass and kick you around the building (I approve.)
Bottom line----"I'm gonna kick your ass, straight simple."

Steve offers his views on backyard wrestling.  You gotta see the tape to fully get the joke.  Hey, I can't do EVERYTHING.

Steve nominates Vince for an extra special award--Jackass of the Year.  Hmmm, I wonder if that's just for this year, or if it's a lifetime achievement award.

NEXT!!!!!  PULP AUSTIN!!!!!!  (I told you he was taking Sam L.'s shit!)

We get Royal Rumble 98 highlights.  Also, Austin offers his views on ancient Confucian philosophy--"Do unto others before they do unto you."

NEXT!!!  Vince intros....IRON.....MIKE......SHARPE!!!!!!!   Nah, not really, it's Mike Tyson.

Some clips of HBK and HHH running for office.  Damn it, where the hell were these guys last November.  They would have got my vote ahead of the two fucknuts.  Austin, of course, has to come out and offer his viewpoint, which leads to a staredown.  Well, from what I see, Shawn has yet to rediscover his smile.

Next we get clips of No Way Out of Texas.  A great 8 man tag match, with Austin kicking ass and taking names.  Postmatch, he shows Chyna that he is an equal opportunity ass kicker.

At the Wrestlemania 14 press conference, Austin says that main eventing a Wrestlemania for the title is something that he has been waiting 8 years for.  Later, SCSA is held hostage at the pre-WM public workout by Michaels and Tyson, who proceed to kiss Austin on top of the head.  See Evander, Mikey was just trying to play nice.

Austin laments to JR about Iron Mike's lack of kissing skill.  Heh.

Austin gets introduced at WM 14 to a HUGE pop.  What's amazing here is that the pops would just continue to get bigger and bigger as the next year and half went on.  It's amazing just what kind of popularity this guy truly has.

Next, Michaels is about to come through the curtain for his own entrance, and he turns the camera and announces that "This match is for you Earl.".....hmmm, let's see.  Austin jobbed at WM 13 to Bret, and the plan all along was to build up Bret vs. Austin so that Bret could do the job back to Austin at this show.....well then a little event called Survivor Series reared its ugly head, Michaels got the belt, and he's main eventing Wrestlemania.  Interesting indeed.

I'm watching WM14 now, so I am coming in here to update this rant.  I've just seen Shawn's entrance again, and I have realized that Earl was in fact in the hospital during the show, so that was without a doubt meant as a get-well to Earl.  I could have deleted the previous paragraph, but I'm leaving it in to show that I'm not afraid to admit it when I'm wrong.  It was still an interesting theory for me though.

Clips of Austin vs. Michaels---great clipping here, it shows the good moments in the match and eliminates the parts where it was obvious that both guys were hurting.  A true testament to the skills of both guys, as Michaels back was jelly at this point, Austin was nursing various injuries, and they still managed to pull out a very entertaining match.  Kick, WHAM, Stunner, and Austin has the belt finally, and together Austin and Tyson bury Shawn under the Austin 3:16 shirt.

Next night highlights on RAW show the Austin vs. McMahon wheels start cranking into high gear.  Then, the next week, in perhaps the most influential single segment on television in wrestling history, we get CORPORATE STONE COLD!!!!!!! Complete with suit and tie, and when he goes to the turnbuckle to pose for the crowd, he calmly just gives a William Regal type wave and acts like a nice little corporate stooge.  The crowd is stunned.  Then Vince starts questioning Austin's choice of footwear, and it all goes downhill from there as the suit comes off, and Vince lies in the middle of the ring, a victim for the first time of MANY MANY MANY Stunners from good ol Stone Cold.  Of course, the crowd roars it's appoval.  A truly classic moment.

Next, we get more interviews......
Austin:  "I sense conspiracy."
Vince:   "I would suggest that perhaps Stone Cold Steve Austin has watched one too many Oliver Stone movies."
Brandon:  "No Vince, no need for movies, he's a wrestler."

We start to wind down this tape at the PPV after WM 14, Unforgiven.  We see clips of Dude vs. Austin, and Dude says he's the only one who can bring peace to the Warzone.  By the way, THIS IS A GREAT MATCH!!!!!!!  And, as will undoubtedly be profiled in future rambling by me and Brandon, Mick Foley IS FUCKING INSANE!!!!!  Highlights include Austin giving Dude a hiptoss onto the concrete, and Austin suplexing Dude onto the steps, in a sick bump that absolutely has to be seen to be believed.  Great booking, great match, as Vince is at ringside the whole time, ready to command the timekeeper to RING THAT FUCKIN BELL!!!!!......but everytime he thinks he can do it, Austin gets the upper hand and Vince has to back off, until finally Steve knocks out Vince with a chairshot, gives Dude the Stunner, and counts the pinfall himself to win the match.

Austin mentions to JR that his hobbies include hunting, beer, trucks, and guns.  In other news, snow is white and fire is hot.

In conclusion, Austin tells JR that if he had to do it all over again, he would.  Bullshit I say, that's the first time he lied on the whole tape.  What about that long stretch of Bullshit you put up with in WCW when you werent in the Dangerous Alliance?  And, finally, we're out.
 

Official Grade-- C-.  Eh, funny at times, a few cute moments, but mostly just typical fluff. Besides, 'Cause Stone Cold Said So totally beats this tape's ass, so C is the very upper range that I could even consider going.  Still, despite the grade, it's worth a cheap rental to relive some nostalgic moments.