"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." -- Douglas Adams

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." -- Douglas Adams

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." -- Douglas Adams

"We are always doing something for posterity, but I would fain see posterity do something for us." -- Joseph Addison

"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning." -- Catherine Aird

"Doing easily what others find is difficult is talent; doing what is impossible for talent is genius." -- Henri Frederic Amiel

"Inspiration? A hoax fabricated by poets for their self-importance." -- Jean Anouilh

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I've found it!), but 'That's funny...'" -- Isaac Asimov

"I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them." -- Jane Austen

"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is." -- Sir Francis Bacon

"Freedom is not something that anybody can be given; freedom is something that people take and people are as free as they want to be." -- James Arthur Baldwin

"It is not real work unless you would rather be doing something else." -- J. M. Barrie

"I am a drinker with writing problems." -- Brendan Behan

"Optimism: the doctrine that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong... It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious." -- Ambrose Bierce

"I would wish for the defeat of racism and nationalism... for advances in medicine that save people's lives rather than enhance the prospects of longevity for the rich. On a personal level, I would like a teddy bear to go with those childish hopes and dreams." -- Alan Bleasdale

"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart." -- Erma Bombeck

"My second favorite household chore is ironing, my first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint." -- Erma Bombeck

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers." -- Daniel J. Boorstin

"Righteous people have no sense of humor." -- Bertolt Brecht

"Politics are usually the executive expression of human immaturity." -- Vera Brittain

"In real life, of course, it is the hare who wins. Every time. Look around you. And in any case, it is my contention that Aesop was writing for the tortoise market." -- Anita Brookner

"I doubt whether the world holds for anyone a more soul-stirring surprise than the first adventure with ice cream." -- Heywood C. Broun

"Creativity comes from trust. Trust your instincts. And never hope more than you work." -- Rita Mae Brown

"Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment." -- Rita Mae Brown

"Be able to be alone. Lose not the advantage of solitude, and the society of thyself." -- Sir Thomas Browne

"If in the last few years you haven't discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse -- you may be dead." -- Frank Gelett Burgess

"History does not always repeat itself. Sometimes it just yells, 'Can't you remember anything I told you?' and lets fly with a club." -- John W. Campbell

"The problem with political jokes is they get elected." -- Henry Cate VII

"Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves they have a better idea." -- John Ciardi

"Every game ever invented by mankind is a way of making things hard for the fun of it." -- John Ciardi

"Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealing with men." -- Joseph Conrad

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." -- Rich Cook

"The young always have the same problem -- how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another." -- Quentin Crisp

"Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything." -- Frank Dane

"You can either take action, or you can hang back and hope for a miracle. Miracles are great, but they are so unpredictable." -- Peter Drucker

"Never judge a book by its movie." -- J. W. Eagan

"Animals are such agreeable friends: they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms." -- George Eliot

"All of us failed to match our dreams of perfection. So I rate us on the basis of our splendid failure to do the impossible." -- William Faulkner

"We grew up founding our dreams on the infinite promise of American advertising. I still believe that one can learn to play the piano by mail and that mud will give you a perfect complexion." -- Zelda Fitzgerald

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." -- Robert Frost

"Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it." -- Robert Frost

"I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house." -- Lewis Grizzard

"Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs." -- Christopher Hampton

"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other." -- Eric Hoffer

"For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong." -- Henry L. Mencken

"It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place." -- Henry L. Mencken

"A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married." -- Henry L. Mencken

"It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one damn thing over and over." -- Edna St. Vincent Millay

"Living apart and at peace with myself, I came to realize more vividly the meaning of the doctrine of acceptance. To refrain from giving advice, to refrain from meddling in the affairs of others, to refrain, even though the motives be the highest, from tampering with another's way of life -- so simple, yet so difficult for an active spirit. Hands off!" -- Henry Miller

"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys." -- P. J. O'Rourke

"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs." -- P. J. O'Rourke

"The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'check enclosed.'" -- Dorothy Parker

"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think." -- Dorothy Parker

"Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting." -- Billy Rose

"Fashion is something barbarous, for it produces innovation without reason and imitation without benefit." -- George Santayana

"Love brings out everything unlike itself that needs to be healed. And the word 'pants' is always funny." -- ("Late Show with David Letterman" writer) Bill Scheft

"A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation." -- Howard Scott

"She had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, the power of speech." -- George Bernard Shaw

"The best emotions to write out of are anger and fear or dread... The least energizing emotion to write out of is admiration... because the basic feeling that goes with admiration is a passive contemplative mood." -- Susan Sontag

"Writers are a little below the clowns and a little above the trained seals." -- John Steinbeck

"'Under consideration': we never heard of it." -- Kelvin Throop III, The Management Dictionary

"Be careful about reading health books -- you might die from a misprint." -- Mark Twain

"Never do tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow." -- Mark Twain

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect." -- Mark Twain

"Worrying about something is like paying interest on a debt you don't even know if you owe." -- Mark Twain

"Why not go out on a limb? That's where the fruit is." -- Mark Twain

"Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul." -- Mark Twain

"When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear." -- Mark Twain

"Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty." -- Mark Twain

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." -- Mark Twain

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." -- Mark Twain

"We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world, and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read." -- Mark Twain

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years." -- Mark Twain

"Televison is now so desperately hungry for material that they're scraping the top of the barrel." -- Gore Vidal

"Half of the American people never read a newspaper. Half never voted for president. One hopes it is the same half." -- Gore Vidal

"As long as people believe in absurdities they will continue to commit atrocities." -- Voltaire

"It is difficult to free fools from the chains they revere." -- Voltaire

"Common sense is not so common." -- Voltaire

"We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"Fools and wise men are equally harmless. It is the half fools and the half wise who are dangerous." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"A gentleman is someone who is never unintentionally rude." -- Oscar Wilde

"The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything." -- Oscar Wilde

"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes." -- Oscar Wilde

"My own business bores me to death. I prefer other people's." -- Oscar Wilde

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

"Work is the curse of the drinking class." -- Oscar Wilde

"It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly." -- Oscar Wilde

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." -- Oscar Wilde

"Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people." -- Oscar Wilde

"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce The Complete Works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true." -- Robert Wilensky

"Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive." -- Scott Adams

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized." -- Fred Allen

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." -- Fred Allen

"Brains, integrity, and force may be all very well, but what you need today is charm. Go ahead and work on your economic programs if you want to, I'll develop my radio personality." -- Gracie Allen

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy next to me." -- Woody Allen

"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage." -- Woody Allen

"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things." -- Woody Allen

"It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies." -- Woody Allen

"Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach teach gym." -- Woody Allen

"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative." -- Woody Allen

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height." -- Woody Allen

"If life hands you lemons, they make great missiles when frozen solid and studded with nails." -- Aunt Nettie

"If at all possible, you should avoid being a young person or a wheat farmer when the president starts feeling international tension." -- Dave Barry

"There is a fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'" -- Dave Barry

"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." -- Dave Barry

"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me." -- Dave Barry

"American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors." -- Dave Barry

"...thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet." -- Dave Barry

"When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of eight hundred gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer." -- Dave Barry

"Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as 'A penny saved is a penny earned.' Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office." -- Dave Barry

"The airlines are facing strike threats from a number of key unions, including the Brotherhood of Luggage Misplacers; the Airline Seat Shrinkers Guild; and the International Association of Workers Who Make Sure That No Coach Passenger's Inflight Snack Packet Contains More Than Four Pretzels." -- Dave Barry

"The typical newspaper staff has been reduced to one editor, one managing editor, fourteen assistant managing editors, thirty-nine deputy assistant managing editors, and one reporter. The editors spend their days holding meetings to think of new ways to cut costs, while the reporter (who, for budgetary reasons, is not allowed to leave the building) looks out the window, in case news occurs in the parking lot." -- Dave Barry

"The drop in our national IQ has caused many problems, including Limp Bizkit, feng shui, the US Department of Education, and the cancerous growth of 'reality-based' TV shows ('Tonight on Passion Farm: nine complete strangers churn butter!')." -- Dave Barry

"It was a beautiful day at the beach -- blue sky, gentle breeze, calm sea. I knew these things because a man sitting five feet from me was shouting them into his cellular telephone, like a play-by-play announcer." -- Dave Barry

"You should use a comma whenever you have a need to pause in a sentence. EXAMPLE: 'So me and Tiffany were at the mall and she ate like four of those big fudge squares which is why her butt is the size of a Volkswagen Jetta I don't know what Jason sees in, wait a minute I'm getting another call.'" -- Dave Barry

"In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich, you wind up with a dish whose name, when you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary, turns out to mean: eel with big abcess." -- Dave Barry

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." -- Bruce Baum

"For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting." -- Robert Benchley

"Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember 'Bonanza'? It was about three guys in high heels living together." -- Milton Berle

"When I cut my finger, that's a tragedy. When you fall down a manhole and die, that's a comedy." -- Mel Brooks

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." -- A. Whitney Brown

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'" -- Charlie Brown

"When you were a little kid, remember how hard it was to get a cookie? Way in the back, unless your mom was really mean -- then they'd be on top of the refrigerator. Nowhere, any place on a package of Oreos does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small children.' Where's the Liquid Drano? Under the sink, right next to the rest of the poisons." -- Mike Bullard

"People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next twenty minutes." -- George Burns

"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning." -- Calvin

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -- Drew Carey

"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life." -- George Carlin

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going." -- George Carlin

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." -- George Carlin

"I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck." -- George Carlin

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house." -- George Carlin

"If the shoe fits, get another one just like it." -- George Carlin

"I am amazed at radio DJs today. I am firmly convinced that AM stands for 'Absolute Moron.' I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for." -- Jasper Carrott

"If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking 'Do you want fries with that?'" -- John Cleese

"The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague." -- Bill Cosby

"I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it." -- Bill Cosby

"A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice." -- Bill Cosby

"Aristotle was famous for knowing everything. He taught that the brain exists only to cool the blood and is not involved in the process of thinking. He was wrong. This only applies to certain people." -- Will Cuppy

"If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the colossal joke of the century." -- Dame Edna

"My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants." -- Rodney Dangerfield

"The other day I told my wife, 'I lost my wallet, I'm very depressed.' She said, 'That makes two of you. You and the guy who found it.'" -- Rodney Dangerfield

"I'm trying a new diet now. The diet is Viagra and prune juice. I tell ya, I don't know if I'm coming or going." -- Rodney Dangerfield

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." -- Rodney Dangerfield

"Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car." -- Evan Davis

"Did you ever feel like the whole world was going to a party and your invitation got lost in the mail?" -- Ellen DeGeneres

"The way we know the kids are growing up? The bite marks are higher." -- Phyllis Diller

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing." -- Phyllis Diller

"Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils: people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing." -- Tom Dreesen

"Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender." -- W. C. Fields

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. Then quit. There's no use in being a damn fool about it." -- W. C. Fields

"Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'brightness,' but it doesn't work." -- Gallagher

"Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get." -- Garfield

"I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth." -- Janeane Garofalo

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." -- Matt Groening

"My lucky number is four billion, which usually doesn't come in handy when you're gambling. 'Come on, four billion...'" -- Mitch Hedberg

"Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued." -- Bob Hope

"The trees in Siberia are miles apart; that's why the dogs are so fast." -- Bob Hope

"Before Stonehenge, there was Woodhenge and Strawhenge, but a Big Bad Wolf came and blew it all away and three little piggies were relocated to the projects." -- Eddie Izzard

"Thank you for flying Church of England. Cake or death?" -- Eddie Izzard

"Zillionaire Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates announced a plan to give one billion dollars to fund scholarships for minority students. The donation comes with some strings attached. The NAACP must now be renamed MSNAACP." -- Craig Kilborn

"Scientists at the University of Glasgow in Scotland believe there may be a gene for laziness. People who suspect they may have inherited this gene can perform a simple test at home: look in the mirror and see if you've got a big, fat ass." -- Craig Kilborn

"I take music pretty seriously. This scar on my wrist, do you know what that's from? I heard the Bee Gees were getting back together again." -- Denis Leary

"The Phantom Menace made $102 million last week. Actually, they said it could have made $204 million if the guys in line had had dates." -- Jay Leno

"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, DC. This wasn't for any religious reasons -- they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." -- Jay Leno

"Over the past few years, scientists at Heinz say they've been developing what they say is a revolutionary new kind of baby bottle. It's a baby bottle actually shaped like a woman's breasts. If that's true, forget baby bottles, make beer bottles." -- Jay Leno

"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men: they're a bunch of liars." -- Jay Leno

"NBC revealed its new fall line-up this week. Lots of innovative, new ideas. NBC has three new shows it thinks will be huge hits: East Wing, North Wing, and South Wing." -- Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney called last week for the construction of new nuclear plants and the swift re-licensing of older plants to increase the power supply. He said the American people have a choice: you can either sit in the dark or you can glow in the dark." -- Jay Leno

"Bush said that being in Europe is not that big of an adjustment for him. He said in a lot of European countries they drink a lot and drive on the other side of the road -- just like he used to." -- Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the Queen last week for the very first time. I think they hit it off. The Queen never won the popular vote, she inherited the job from her father, and they both have embarrassing relatives." -- Jay Leno

"Ford is now installing voice-activated cell phones in their cars and SUVs. Do you know how these things work? If you say, 'office,' it'll call your office; you say, 'home,' it'll dial your home; and if you say, 'Firestone,' it'll dial 911." -- Jay Leno

"For the past few days, Congress has been debating the ethics of cloning. For many in Congress, this is their first experience with the subject -- not with cloning, but ethics." -- Jay Leno

"Last week President Bush announced his decision on stem cell research. This was a tough one for Bush because no matter what decision he made, it was a no-win situation -- kind of like what we had to go through during the last presidential election." -- Jay Leno

"The US has decided to ban the cloning of human beings. Apparently, the great fear of cloning is that if you clone a human being, the second generation won't have the same mental capacity as the first. Kind of like President Bush and his dad." -- Jay Leno

"If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with pool cues, who would win? One: Ricky Schroder; two: Gary Coleman; three: the television-viewing public." -- David Letterman

"Next week they're going to auction off an original boarding pass to the Titanic. I've got one of those -- it's my contract with CBS." -- David Letterman

"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? One: writing his memoirs of the Civil War; two: advising the President; three: desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin." -- David Letterman

"USA Today has come out with a new survey; apparently, three out of every four people make up seventy-five percent of the population." -- David Letterman

"I cannot sing, dance, or act; what else would I be but a talk show host." -- David Letterman

"Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call." -- Richard Lewis

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." -- Wendy Liebman

"In Lowell, Indiana, there was a four-hour hostage standoff in a bank. The bank customers were made to line up and stand still for hours... just like in a regular visit." -- Bill Maher

"I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he's great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, 'You can't fire me. I quit.'" -- Bill Maher

"We survived the 1980s. Back then, the economic program was called 'trickle down.' That actually meant they were pissing on you. How the whole theory goes was this: 'We have all the money. If we drop some, it's yours. Go for it.'" -- Bill Maher

"The Senate has proposed and passed the tax cut for marriage. Married people apparently had been paying more in taxes, and Republicans feel that marriage is a penalty in itself." -- Bill Maher

"I just thought of something funny: your mother." -- Cheech Marin

"How to make a million dollars: first, get a million dollars." -- Steve Martin

"I love a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." -- Steve Martin

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." -- Steve Martin

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know." -- Groucho Marx

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?" -- Groucho Marx

"The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made." -- Groucho Marx

"After the capture of three US soldiers, President Clinton warned Serbia that the US 'takes care of its own.' That's true, Bill, but I don't think a job at Revlon is what those three boys need right now." -- Dennis Miller

"You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the three R's, only one begins with an R." -- Dennis Miller

"There are grave issues facing this country: gun control, campaign finance reform, and the very real threat that Kathie Lee might now try her hand at a sitcom." -- Dennis Miller

"So how do I pick a president? Much the same way I choose a driver to the airport. Which one will cost me the least and not get me killed?" -- Dennis Miller

"Bad day in the news. Michael Jackson and George Hamilton have officially crossed lines in the pigmentation flow chart." -- Dennis Miller

"Is intelligence a liability nowadays? I think we can answer that with one word: duh." -- Dennis Miller

"Parenting is the easiest job to get -- you just have to screw up once and it's yours." -- Dennis Miller

"When the going gets rough, you are obviously in the wrong place." -- Miss Piggy, "The Muppet Show"

"A study in The Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: duh." -- Conan O'Brien

"Last week, People magazine named First Lady Laura Bush one of the fifty most beautiful people. And President Bush agreed, saying he's known that for years. President Bush said he knew Laura was beautiful the moment Dick Cheney told him she was." -- Conan O'Brien

"The British army announced to boost morale they will offer their female soldiers free breast implants. The new policy will take effect June 6th, or what they're calling it, Double-D Day." -- Conan O'Brien

"It was reported this week that Janet Reno is considering running for governor of Florida. Reno will not reveal if she's going to run as a Democrat, Independent, man, or woman." -- Conan O'Brien

"The federal government is considering a proposal that would update the warning label on beer and other alcoholic beverages. For instance, one of the new warnings says, 'Caution: excessive drinking could cause karaoke.'" -- Conan O'Brien

"Last week in the southern half of the country, a fierce tropical storm forced the cancellation of several *NSYNC concerts. Scholars say this is the most conclusive evidence so far that God does exist." -- Conan O'Brien

"The city of Los Angeles is going to install portable pay toilets on their streets. City officials said they got the idea of making money off crap from Kevin Costner." -- Conan O'Brien

"People question why Switzerland always remains neutral in wars. I think it's because the Swiss realize those Army Knives would be pretty useless against heavy artillery." -- Paul Paternoster

"If the moon hit your eye like a big pizza pie, it might be amor�, but I'd be more worried about the interplanetary gravitational effects from this cataclysmic event." -- Paul Paternoster

"Three things are bad for you. I can't remember the first two, but donuts are the third." -- Bill Peterson

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson." -- Emo Philips

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps." -- Emo Phillips

"I don't believe for a second weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that's indecision." -- Paula Poundstone

"I wanted a perfect ending... Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment, and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity." -- Gilda Radner

"I knew I was an unwanted child when I saw my bath toys were a radio and a toaster." -- Joan Rivers

"You get a lot of tension? You get a lot of headaches? I do what it says on the aspirin bottle: take two and keep away from children." -- Roseanne

"My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head." -- Rita Rudner

"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be." -- Rita Rudner

"Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him." -- Rita Rudner

"When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always." -- Rita Rudner

"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: 'If we're going to charge ten dollars an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down.'" -- Rita Rudner

"Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie." -- Rita Rudner

"My husband is English and I'm American. I wonder what our children would be like. They'd probably be rude, but disgusted by their own behavior." -- Rita Rudner

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" -- Rita Rudner

"When I want to end relationships I just say, 'I want to marry you so we can live together forever.' Sometimes they leave skidmarks." -- Rita Rudner

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain, and bought jewelry." -- Rita Rudner

"We've begun to long for the pitter patter of little feet -- so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet." -- Rita Rudner

"Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and more caring. I used to pay my check; they'd say, 'Thank you.' That graduated into 'Have a nice day.' That's now escalated into 'You take care of yourself now.' The other day I paid my check; the waiter said, 'Don't put off that mammogram.'" -- Rita Rudner

"All the king's horses and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?" -- Jerry Seinfeld

"Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say 'No animals allowed except for seeing eye dogs'? Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?" -- Jerry Seinfeld

"Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.'" -- Jerry Seinfeld

"According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy." -- Jerry Seinfeld

"Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the detergent white!" -- Jerry Seinfeld

"Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door." -- Jerry Seinfeld

"If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people." -- Bobby Slayton

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" -- Jon Stewart

"I don't go out with my single friends anymore, because I never have any fun. Go to a club, a guy comes over, says, 'Can I buy you a drink?' 'No, oh no, she's married.' Yeah, I'm married, but I'm thirsty. Why don't you shut the hell up and let me have a free drink?" -- Wanda Sykes-Hall

"I got an 'A' in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist." -- Judy Tenuta

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." -- Lily Tomlin

"Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them." -- Lily Tomlin

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and re-arranged the furniture." -- Robin Williams

"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning 'to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.'" -- Robin Williams

"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something." -- Steven Wright

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." -- Steven Wright

"Anywhere is walking distance if you've got the time." -- Steven Wright

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time." -- Steven Wright

"I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. 'It was supposed to be hot today.'" -- Steven Wright

"I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it." -- Steven Wright

"I wrote a few children's books. Not on purpose." -- Steven Wright

"Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, wouldn't you be paranoid?" -- Steven Wright

"I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again." -- Steven Wright

"If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts." -- Steven Wright

"A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, 'Yes, I'll take it.' I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, 'You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years.' I said, 'Why did you take such a long time off?' He said, 'I was in prison. Want to know why?' I said, 'Not really. Well, you better tell me why.' He said, 'I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel.' I said, 'I remember you.'" -- Steven Wright

"A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'" -- Steven Wright

"Why is it 'a penny for your thoughts' but you have to 'put your two cents in'? Somebody's making a penny." -- Steven Wright

"I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing." -- Steven Wright

"He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in." -- Steven Wright

"I invented the cordless extension cord." -- Steven Wright

"I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it." -- Steven Wright

"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically." -- Steven Wright

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died." -- Steven Wright

"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." -- Steven Wright

"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature." -- Steven Wright

"I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an entire evening in front of it in only eight minutes." -- Steven Wright

"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol." -- Steven Wright

"Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?" -- Steven Wright

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." -- Henny Youngman

"The penalty of success is to be bored by people who used to snub you." -- Lady Nancy Astor

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- (Washington, DC mayor) Marion Barry

"We have probed the earth, excavated it, burned it, ripped things from it, buried things in it... That does not fit my definition of a good tenant. If we were here on a month-to-month basis, we would have been evicted long ago." -- Rose Elizabeth Bird

"I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming." -- Jimmy Carter

"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened." -- Winston Churchill

"Some people's idea of free speech is that they are free to say anything they like, but if anyone says anything back, that is an outrage." -- Winston Churchill

"I am ready to meet my maker, but whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." -- Winston Churchill

"Advice in old age is foolish; for what can be more absurd than to increase our provisions for the road the nearer we approach to our journey's end." -- Marcus Tullius Cicero

"History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives." -- Abba Eban

"There's one thing about being a president -- nobody can tell you when to sit down." -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

"You do not lead by hitting people over the head -- that's assault, not leadership." -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

"We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it." -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

"Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it." -- Benjamin Franklin

"Love your enemies, for they tell you your faults." -- Benjamin Franklin

"To succeed, jump as quickly at opportunities as you do at conclusions." -- Benjamin Franklin

"It takes some skill to spoil a breakfast -- even the English can't do it!" -- John Kenneth Galbraith

"Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists." -- John Kenneth Galbraith

"No matter what you do, be honest. That sticks out in Washington." -- (Arizona senator) Barry Goldwater

"You know nothing for sure... except the fact that you know nothing for sure." -- John F. Kennedy

"Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even when there are no rivers." -- Nikita Khrushchev

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." -- Martin Luther King, Jr.

"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer." -- Henry Kissinger

"Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves." -- Abraham Lincoln

"People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like." -- Abraham Lincoln

"We are not retreating -- we are advancing in another direction." -- General Douglas MacArthur

"Don't be humble; you are not that great." -- Golda Meir

"Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!" -- Golda Meir

"There are three roads to ruin: women, gambling, and technicians. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with technicians." -- Georges Pompidou

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -- Dan Quayle

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." -- Vice-President Dan Quayle, 08.11.89

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." -- Vice-President Dan Quayle

"My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular." -- Adlai Stevenson

"I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell." -- Harry S Truman

"All the president is, is a glorified public relations man who spends his time flattering, kissing, and kicking people to get them to do what they are supposed to do anyway." -- Harry S Truman

"Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions' and if you got a different 'impression,' so what, can't we all be brothers?" -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man." -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

"Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see." -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

"If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you give a man a stick of TNT, there will be little unidentifiable fish parts all over the village." -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

"He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him." -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

"To me, it's always a good idea to carry around two sacks of something when you can walk around. That way if anyone asks you for a hand, you can say, 'Sorry, I've got these sacks.'" -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other." -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

"Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door." -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

"I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, 'Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?' or, 'Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?' Man, quit being so cheap!" -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

"Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said, 'Now who's asking the questions?'" -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

"If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin." -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up." -- Muhammad Ali

"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of." -- Burt Bacharach

"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." -- Anne Bancroft

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines." -- John Benfield

"Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight?" -- Al Boliska

"Have you ever noticed what 'golf' spells backwards?" -- Al Boliska

"Trust your hunches... Hunches are usually based on facts filed away just below the conscious level. Warning! Do not confuse your hunches with wishful thinking. This is the road to disaster." -- Joyce Brothers

"You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun." -- Al Capone

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." -- Dick Cavett

"Experience is a great advantage. The problem is that when you get the experience, you're too... old to do anything about it." -- James Scott "Jimmy" Connors

"A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B." -- Fats Domino

"A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do." -- Bob Dylan

"We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years." -- Nick Faldo

"If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide." -- Mahatma Gandhi

"Although so far there's no known treatment for death's crippling effects, still everyone can acquaint himself with the three early warning signs of death: one, rigor mortis; two, a rotting smell; three, occasional drowsiness." -- Henry Gibson

"Oral promises aren't worth the paper they're written on." -- Samuel Goldwyn

"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." -- Samuel Goldwyn

"We'd all like to vote for the best man but he's never a candidate." -- Kin Hubbard

"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket." -- Kin Hubbard

"No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish." -- Kin Hubbard

"The only qualification for becoming a [radio personality] is the ability to defecate in less than three minutes!" -- "Big Dan" Ingram

"The reason people blame things on the previous generations is that there's only one other choice." -- Doug Larson

"If the English language made any sense, 'lackadaisical' would have something to do with a shortage of flowers." -- Doug Larson

"Stay humble. Always answer your phone -- no matter who else is in the car." -- Jack Lemmon

"It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office." -- Shirley MacLaine

"Whoever wishes to devote himself to painting should begin by cutting out his own tongue." -- Henri Matisse

"Pity the fool!" -- Mr. T

"If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep." -- Will Rogers

"The budget is a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, and then tries to reach in and pull real beans out." -- Will Rogers

"Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on Earth." -- Will Rogers

"You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice: there's always, like, eighteen percent that say 'I don't know.' It costs ninety cents to call up and vote... They're voting 'I don't know.' 'Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (into phone) I don't know! (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about.'" -- Andy Rooney

"There are two means of refuge from the misery of life: music and cats." -- Albert Schweitzer

"It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper." -- Rod Serling

"If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow." -- John Wayne

"If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends." -- Orson Welles

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before." -- Mae West

"The truth is more important than the facts." -- Frank Lloyd Wright

"Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read." -- Frank Zappa

"There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life." -- Frank Zappa

Carol: Hey, we all have these terrible stories to get over...
Melvin: That's not true. Some of us have great stories, pretty stories, that all take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad, just no one in this car. But a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so bad is not that you had it so bad, but that you're so pissed that so many others had it good.
-- As Good as It Gets

"Ya gotta admit, I played this stinkin' city like a harp from hell!" -- Penguin, Batman Returns

"The trouble with real life is that there's no danger music." -- Chip Douglas, The Cable Guy

"We all go a little mad sometimes." -- Norman Bates, Psycho

"Prediction is very difficult, especially if it's about the future." -- Niels Bohr

"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." -- M. Cartmill

"To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk." -- Thomas Edison

"I have not failed. I've just found ten thousand ways that won't work." -- Thomas Edison

"Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration." -- Thomas Edison

"Imagination is more important than knowledge." -- Albert Einstein

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." -- Albert Einstein

"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts." -- Albert Einstein

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." -- Albert Einstein

"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." -- Albert Einstein

"What I am going to tell you about is what we teach our physics students in the third or fourth year of graduate school... It is my task to convince you not to turn away because you don't understand it. You see, my physics students don't understand it... That is because I don't understand it. Nobody does." -- Richard P. Feynman

"Nature is trying very hard to make us succeed, but nature does not depend on us. We are not the only experiment." -- R. Buckminster Fuller

"A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it." -- Max Planck

"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." -- Carl Sagan

"We've arranged a civilization in which most crucial elements profoundly depend on science and technology. We have also arranged things so that almost no one understands science and technology. This is a prescription for disaster. We might get away with it for a while, but sooner or later, this combustible mixture of ignorance and power is going to blow up in our faces." -- Carl Sagan

"Mormons are very organized. I had this neighbor Mrs. Mabey who stocked canned goods in her basement, so she could be prepared for when Christ returns to Earth. Because apparently what Christ is looking for is creamed corn." -- Natasha Ahanin

"The opposite of bravery is not cowardice but conformity." -- Robert Anthony

"A smart person knows all the rules so he can break them wisely." -- Lubna Azmi

"A survey shows that eighty-seven percent of American people think that the decline of the work ethic threatens the future of the American dream. The other thirteen percent were too lazy to fill out the questionnaire." -- Doug Babbit

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly." -- Richard David Bach

"Organized religion has taken a turn for the worst. Just the other day I drove by 'The Church of the Seven or So Commandments: Pastor Bill Clinton and the Reverend O. J. Simpson.'" -- Sue Bova

"Some minds are like concrete: thoroughly mixed up and permanently set." -- Rev. Denny Brake

"I'll bet if universities started offering a Ph.D. in Romance, the Language Departments would have to add a course in speaking the pompitous of love." -- Dave Brennan

"Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I think it has something to do with the bread crumbs in your beard." -- Jerry Carson

"Usually, the food that you get in art museums is institutional revenge for the art that you get in restaurants." -- Ralph Collier

"There are a lot of crazy people in this world and I am only two or three of them." -- Bob Cope

"All writing is essentially bricks of plagiarism secured in place by the mortar of original thinking." -- William Dukane

"Always be frank with your boss. That way, when you screw up, Frank will get the blame." -- Doug Forbush

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler

"Just when you think you got the world on a string, someone comes by with a pair of scissors." -- Gerie

"I've been married for forty-three years, and it ain't easy. By way of comparison, forty-three years is longer than most murderers spend in jail." -- Irv Gilman

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." -- Bruce Graham

"Let's face facts, shall we? There is a very real possibility that this could also be the last day of the rest of your life." -- Dave Henry

"A hair in the head is worth two in the brush." -- Oliver Herford

"We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex, but Congress can." -- Cullen Hightower

"We experience moments absolutely free from worry. These brief respites are known as panic." -- Cullen Hightower

"Although difficult, in the end the chase was successful -- we're having wild goose for supper." -- Ben Holland

"Maybe the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence because that is where the leaky septic tank is buried." -- Anthony L. Ingram

"Women prefer men who have something tender about them -- especially the legal kind." -- Kay Ingram

"It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water." -- Franklin P. Jones

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it." -- Franklin P. Jones

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I'm beautiful, smart, and rich." -- Calvin Keegan

"Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams." -- Mary Ellen Kelly

"Why do they sell lemon juice made with artificial ingredients and lemon floor polish made with real lemon juice? Now I drink tea with a twist of Mop 'n' Glo." -- Bobby Kelton

"Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them." -- Walter Kerr

"Education: the inculcation of the incomprehensible into the indifferent by the incompetent." -- John Maynard Keynes

"Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics." -- Fletcher Knebel

"I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead." -- Sue Kolinsky

"Pick battles important enough to fight and small enough to win." -- Johnathan Kozol

"God is dead, Marx is dead, and I'm not doing all that well myself." -- Michel Le Bris

"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs." -- Rodney Lee

"I don't jog. If I die I want to be sick." -- Abe Lemons

"A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it." -- Oscar Levant

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." -- Sam Levenson

"Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital." -- Aaron Levenstein

"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks." -- Joe E. Lewis

"Politeness is half good manners and half good lying." -- Mary Wilson Little

"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me." -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

"A converted cannibal is one who, on Friday, eats only fishermen." -- Emily Lotney

"We live and we learn, but, sadly, at different rates." -- Alan Magid

"The happy ending is our national belief." -- Mary McCarthy

"I love boxing. Where else do two grown men prance around in satin underwear, fighting over a belt? ... The one who wins gets a purse. They do it in gloves. It's the accessory connection I love." -- John McGovern

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'" -- Larry Miller

"When you take stuff from one writer it's plagiarism, but when you take it from many writers, it's research." -- Wilson Mizner

"Animals are reliable, many full of love, true in their affections, predictable in their actions, grateful and loyal. Difficult standards for people to live up to." -- Alfred A. Montapert

"Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember: all men are strange." -- Robin Morgan

"To err is human; to blame it on somebody else is even more human." -- John Nadeau

"It often shows an excellent command of language to say nothing." -- Karol Newlin

"They say not to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I'll be damned if I am going to roll twelve shopping carts out of the grocery store." -- Erin Page

"Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad." -- Norm Papernick

"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his." -- George Patton

"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it." -- Laurence J. Peter

"My mom just told me that she became a septuagenarian on her last birthday. It's her life, so I guess she can do whatever she wants. I just hope she doesn't give them all her money." -- Jim Pollard

"Life's a bitch, and life's got lots of sisters." -- Ross Presser

"In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it." -- Rex Reed

"He asked, 'Lord, what about when there was only one set of footprints, and also a straight line with bootprints on one side and small, round circles on the other?' The Lord replied, 'Those were the times that I carried you, and we were joined by a pirate pushing a wheelbarrow.'" -- Peter Rogers

"When the cow jumped over the moon, I bet he was all like, 'That's one giant leap for cowkind.' I feel sorry for them, though, since they really haven't advanced all that much." -- Pat Ronning

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but so would an eighty-pound carrot." -- Paul Ruben

"The Republicans have a new healthcare proposal: just say 'No!' to illness!" -- Mark Russell

"The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky." -- Solomon Short

"Pay no attention to what the critics say. A statue has never been erected in honor of a critic." -- Jean Sibelius

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Then when they're gone, I can catch up on my nap." -- Tom Sims

"Only in America do we shop at places with limited parking, overpriced items, long lines and call them 'convenience stores.'" -- Yakov Smirnoff

"I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow." -- Margaret Smith

"My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada." -- David Steinberg

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." -- Jeff Stilson

"A pragmatist is someone who doesn't see a glass half-empty or half-full, just twice as damn big as it needs to be!" -- Gary Tolbert

"The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." -- Calvin Trillin

"I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once." -- Jennifer Unlimited

"When life gives you lemons, just shut up and eat your lemons, you whiner." -- Andrew Wakefield

"I tried to get a job at Office Depot and Staples. I didn't need the money. I just wanted to steal from a company that would never run out of office supplies." -- Wally Wang

"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose." -- Darrin Weinberg

"One of my favorite things to do when I was a kid was to watch TV. I know it sounds funny, but it's true. Ah, reckless youth." -- R. M. Weiner

"Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels." -- Faith Whittlesey

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian." -- Dennis Wholey

"Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a trip around the sun." -- Clay Center Wisdom

"Choose silence of all virtues, for by it you hear other men's imperfections, and conceal your own." -- Zeno of Cetium

"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together." -- Carl Zwanzig

"The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath." -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart

"The sign said, 'Jesus is the answer.' Which is kinda weird, since my question was 'What the hell's this stuff on my sandwich?'" -- Phil Bacon

"It's a good thing the Library of Congress isn't located in my house, because then there would be no room for the TV, and I'd have nothing to do all day." -- Gary Citro

"I think if I were a pirate, my pirate name would be Scarbelly. You know, because of the laparoscopic cholecystectomy." -- Andrea Crain

"If I had super powers, I don't think I'd tell anyone, because they'd always want me to do stuff for them. I think I'd just go around helping people secretly. And then I'd take their money." -- Aaron DaMommio

"Whenever I write really nasty letters to the FBI, I always sign them 'Definitely NOT Bill Ervin.' You know, just to throw them off." -- Bill Ervin

"To everything, turn, turn, turn. There is a season, turn, turn, turn. Then fall on your dizzy ass, bright guy." -- Doug Finney

"If you can't say anything nice about someone, say nothing. Then creep up behind them with a baseball bat and really let 'em have it." -- John Gephart

"Whoever said that there's a fine line between genius and insanity truly must have been a genius. Or maybe an insane person." -- Dave Greenfield

"How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? Well, if you take 'angels' as a metaphor for 'PEZ candy,' and if you take 'head of a pin' as a metaphor for 'my tongue,' the answer is something around seventeen." -- David Hyatt

"Last night, as I sat alone in my moment of deepest, darkest despair, trying to summon the courage to pull the trigger, Jesus appeared before me. He laid a gentle hand on my shoulder and asked, 'Do you happen to know how the season finale of 'The West Wing' ended last week?' I said, 'No, o Lord, I don't.' He said, 'Well, thanks anyway,' and then He left." -- Andy Ihnatko

"If that damned mailman asks me just once more about my necklace of human tongues, it'll be the last time. That's all I'm saying." -- Andy Ihnatko

"The world is my oyster. Now I just have to figure out how to get the damn thing open." -- Bob Johnson

"The computer card game slowed to an agonizing crawl. As I waited for the computer to make its first move, I slowly came to the conclusion that this 'Solitaire' game is not for the impatient." -- Eddi Kashi

"You say 'potato,' I say 'po-tah-to.' You say 'tomato,' I say 'to-mah-to.' Good thing we only know each other through e-mail or this crap would get old fast." -- Jacqui Kenelly

"I used to think that the worst feeling in the world was being lonely, until I remembered that sliding down a giant cheese grater naked is also pretty bad. So it hit me what would be worst of all: sliding down a giant cheese grater naked, and having no one to share it with." -- Silas Knight

"We may never find out who let the dogs out, but I'd bet anything that PETA was involved." -- Allen Lindsey

"In times of trouble, instead of asking myself, 'What would Jesus do?' I ask myself, 'What would Mary-Kate and Ashley do?' Unfortunately, now I spend all my time chasing boys and sharing hair and makeup tips." -- Chris Lipe

"If I were a fraction, my goal would be world denomination." -- Chris Lipe

"The classic catch-22: you want to use your heat vision to weld the broken pieces of your glasses together, but without wearing your glasses, you can't see where to aim. Curse the luck!" -- George MacMillan

"Should the earth ever be invaded by aliens shaped like chairs, and the way they suck our life force out is by making us sit on them, I hope I'm old enough to have a bad bladder by then, 'cause screw you, aliens!" -- George MacMillan

"It must be hard to be a homeless guy, having to guard your secret identity as a spy from the world. Of course, I'm assuming all homeless people are spies, not just the one that told me that the other day so he could borrow my car on what he assured me was 'top secret spy business.'" -- George MacMillan

"If I were a tree, every fall I'd watch the female trees and I'd be all like, hey, free striptease!" -- Tom Ostad

"The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality." -- Douglas Porter

"If I were a carpenter, and you were my lady, I'd nail you." -- Jim Rosenberg

"I think one reason they call them 'Relaxed Fit' jeans is that 'Ass the Size of Texas' jeans would not sell very well." -- Jim Rosenberg

"Two paths diverged in the woods, and I took the one less traveled. Now, I'm eating bugs and berries, and if the Park Ranger doesn't find me soon, I'm a dead man." -- Jim Rosenberg

"I wonder why no one ever hacks porn sites and puts up images of government officials." -- Erik Schroeder

"With all the hunger, sickness, and suffering in the world today, I can't help but wonder: do you suppose Frank Oz ever does the 'Yoda' voice during sex?" -- Lev L. Spiro

"'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em,' my mom always said. Join 'em in what? Being beaten? Woohoo, thanks, Mom!" -- Deonna Turner

"Whenever I meet someone who's lost an eye, I like to ask if they at least enjoyed the fun and games part." -- Bob Van Voris

"My dream is to someday be a member of the White House press corps and begin every question, 'Riddle me this, Mr. President...'" -- Bob Van Voris

"Some days make you wonder if you've made bad choices in your life. Especially those days when the FBI shows up and digs in your back yard." -- Bob Van Voris

"People laughed at me for learning to speak Klingon, but let me tell you: there's nothing funnier than being on the witness stand with your hand on the Bible and watching the court reporter go nuts when you answer the 'tell the truth' question with a loud 'Shhingo-thotect!'" -- Dan Weckerly

"The rain in Spain stays mainly in my pants. Wait... that's not rain." -- John West

"I want to invent a gun that looks exactly like a banana. Then, if I were ever attacked by some bad guys, I'd pull out my banana-gun, and everybody would start laughing. Until I shot them, that is." -- Paul Wiley

"I just don't understand it. I eat and eat and eat, yet I still can't lose weight." -- Anna Williams

Anarchy: it's not the law, it's just a good idea.

Marriage is not a word but a sentence.

Time wounds all heels.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him think.

I refuse to fight a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

If you see a turtle sitting on a fence post, you know it got some help.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

Never buy a Rolex from someone who is out of breath.

We've got to stop hurting each other. You first.

Support your local police -- beat yourself.

"Barnum was wrong -- it's more like every thirty seconds."

"Happy is the man who can laugh at himself, for he will never cease to be amused."

"Before you get in a fight with a person, walk five hundred miles in his shoes. That way you're five hundred miles ahead of him and you've got his shoes."

"The trouble with the world today is that there is no such thing as a comfy chair."

"Every day the world turns over on someone who's just been sitting on top of it."

"Whoever says that the small things don't matter should try sleeping with a mosquito in the room."

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved.' The pig was 'committed.'"

"A man should stand up for his rights, but not in the middle of an intersection."

"It is expository. It just doesn't say anything."

"Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have."

"The problem with bucket seats is that not everyone has the same size bucket."

"There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation."

"A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says afterward is the beginning of a new argument."

"Lean on me when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend -- I'll help you carry on. But don't be a baby about it. I mean, if you stub your toe or something, I really don't care, so don't come to me for a piggyback ride."

"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper."

"Winners never quit and quitters never win, but one time I quit playing Russian Roulette with this drunk guy. He kept playing by himself, though, and I felt like the winner that time."

"You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going."

"Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something much bigger and heavier." -- anonymous

"A hangover is the wrath of grapes." -- anonymous

"How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?" -- anonymous

"No one can rightfully say they are a virgin, for life has screwed us all." -- anonymous

"English cooking? You just put things into boiling water and then take them out again after a long while!" -- an anonymous French chef

"If he offers you a deal, see a lawyer. If your lawyer approves the deal, see another lawyer." -- dealer's axiom

"Caution: cape does not enable user to fly." -- Batman costume warning label

"Beware the wrath of a quiet man." -- Chinese proverb

"Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity." -- Hanlon's Razor

"Believe not all you can hear; tell not all you believe." -- Native American proverb

"Visits always give pleasure -- if not the arrival, the departure." -- Portuguese proverb

"The word that leaves your mouth leaves your control." -- Somali folk saying