Most blues begin "Woke up this morning." "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. (ex. "I got a good woman with the meanest dog in town.") Blues are simple. After you have the first line, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes, sort of. (ex. "I got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500 pounds.") The blues are not about limitless choice. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. "Walkin'" plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does "fixin' to die." Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to "get the 'lectric chair" if you "shoot a man in Memphis." You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. The following colors do not belong in the blues: violet beige mauve You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Good places for the blues: the highway the jailhouse an empty bed Bad places for the blues: ashrams gallery openings weekend in the Hamptons No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be a 97-year-old black man. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if: your first name is a southern state -- like Georgia you're blind you can't be satisfied you shot a man in Memphis No, if: you were once blind but now can see you're deaf you have a trust fund you merely met a man in Memphis Julio Iglesias and Barbra Streisand are prohibited by law from singing the blues. If you "ask for water and baby gives you gasoline," it's the blues. If you ask for a Coke and get a Pepsi, it's not. Other blues beverages are: wine Irish whiskey muddy water Mad Dog 20/20 Blues beverages are not: any mixed drink any wine kosher for Passover any drink with an umbrella Yoo Hoo (all flavors) O'Douls If it occurs in a "cheap motel" or a "shotgun shack," it's a blues death. Being stabbed in the back is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if: you die during a liposuction treatment you badly sprain your ankle playing tennis Some blues names for women: Sadie Big Mama Bessie Some blues names for men: Joe Willie Little Willie Lightning Lightning Willie Little Lightning Willie Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. Other blues names (Starter Kit): name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic) first name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi) last name of President (Jefferson, Jackson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

Last updated 26 August 2004.