If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep with whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait around forever. Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding! You should do both, often. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of straight vodka. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face, really hard. Pretend you're pregnant. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun! If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't too convenient, fake your own death. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Kidding again! Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure to shut the door tightly on your way out. Don't date drug dealers. Unless they're really good-looking. Or have a lot of money. Or unless you can gain something from it in some way. Or... oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers. Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and try to choke you. If you get fired, get drunk. Call your ex-wife "Baby." If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your shirt and do it by the pool. Randomly insult the people around you. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane asylum where you'll be bound in a straight jacket and heavily sedated. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even better job at twice the salary. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that "Mom liked you best." Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of times. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't mean that you can't car pool to work with him/her.

Last updated 26 August 2004.