Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.

We have enough youth, how about a Fountain of Smart?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog -- Dorothy.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

All men are idiots and I married their king.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Montana -- at least our cows are sane!

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Warning: dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?