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What does that mean? You tell me!
What a difference 30 years makes...
1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair
1973: KEG
2003: EKG
1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux
1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm
1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM
1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian
1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint
1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones
1973: Being called into the principal's office
2003: Calling the principal's office
1973: Disco
2003: Costco
1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test
1973: Whatever
2003: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will
certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in
Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense
of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.
Here's this year's list: The people who are starting college this
fall across the nation were born in 1983. They are too young to
remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always
included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and
plastic! The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have
always had an answering machine. They have always had cable. They
cannot fathom not having a remote control. Jay Leno has always
been on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the
microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They
can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who
Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the
Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de
plane". They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J.
R. even is. Michael Jackson has always been white. McDonald's
never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to
use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies in your
life.
Geography of Women
Between 18 an 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally
beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade
especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her
own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and a
desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war-haunted by past
mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled.
The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering
past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no
one wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq-ruled by a dick.
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11...
Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Having a Bad Day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
What?! STILL having a bad day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
This is how it manifests:
I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of soda that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the soda aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the soda is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the soda down on the counter, and I discover my glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the trash hasn't been taken out, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of soda sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST
It takes less than a minute.......
Work this out as you read.
Don't cheat and read the bottom until you've worked through it!
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have dinner out. (try for more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2. (Just to be bold)
3. Add 5. (for Sunday)
4. Multiply it by 50 - I'll wait while you get thecalculator................
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1753.... If you haven't, add 1752..........
6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born. (Now you should have a three-digit number .....)
The first digit should be your original number (I.e., how many times you want to eat out each week.)
The next two numbers are...(Scroll Down)
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it IS!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2003) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT ROUND WHILE IT
LASTS. IMPRESSIVE, ISN'T IT?
When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and theperson at the front desk says, "Go ahead."
2. An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "'Bout what?"
3. Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in the bag? Jes some chickens. If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one? Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em! OK. Ummmmm...five?"
4. An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr! OK, replied the fireman, how do we get there? Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"
5. Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more? Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.
6. Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this yearI'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your
suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. Iwent to Hawaii and Betty Sue got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told meto go to the Bahamas, and Betty Sue got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Betty Sue didn't get pregnant again." Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Betty Sue with me."
7. Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can! you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
8. Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
9. What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi? Documentaries.
10. Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it were inventedanywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
11. Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
12. A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
13. What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common? No matter what, somebody'! s fixin' to lose a trailer.
...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
...why doctors call what they do "practice"?
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dish washing liquid is made with real lemons?
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: .You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one:
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity
and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.