Love

So, you are interested in my thoughts on love eh? Well some people have told me that I'm too much of an idealist, that I expect too much and set my standards too high, that I'm too picky. But you know what? I don't give a rats ass about them. To me, if you're finding someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with, then you have every right to be picky. It isn't the same thing as picking out a pair of shoes that'll last for a year or what to eat for lunch. I believe that you can't love someone until you love and have confidence in yourself first. The rationale is quite simple. If you don't love or have confidence in yourself, then you'll always be left wondering and doubting if you're 'good enough' for that person, second guessing yourself. In love you don't have time to second guess yourself, you should be thinking about the other person, the relationship, how to suprise the other person, how to make them happy, the problems that faces you two as a couple, things like that. Also you can't go into a relationship without putting the past behind you. To me that is just common sense. If you go into a relationship, expecting somebody to be like a previous person, like you're comparing, hoping things will be the same, all you are doing is setting yourself up for a big heartbreak. Nobody is the same, no matter how much you want it to be. You must go into a relationship 'feeling' something, not 'hoping,' 'thinking,' 'rationalizing,' or 'wanting' something. You love someone with your heart and soul, not your brain. You don't even have to know the person in my opinion, that is what you spend the time doing when you're together, no matter what, you can spend a lifetime with a person, and still not know them completely. In high school, I was disgusted by all those people who surrounded themselves and prided themselves on getting with someone for superficial reasons, 'oh so hot' or 'most popular.' I thought of myself as a person who knew what love was, thinking I was better than them, but boy was I wrong. I didn't know jack squat either. It took two special people to show me two different aspects of love. =)


Rebecca: Well, I guess you can call it fate because that is what I believe it was. Rebecca is the first person who turned my world upside down. =) It is funny to think that it all started out as a bet. It was late in April on the beach, when my friends and I were just out lounging around at the beach. I was 'dared' to go and talk to the so called, "hot' woman they saw and see if I can get a date for the night. So I went over and we started talking, and eventually forgot of the dare. I guess you can say infatuation took over. So later on, instead of me asking her out, she asked me...guess you can say that I got the moves put on me. Lol. Her words, "I'm in town visiting, so you want to show me around town tonight? I don't know what is fun to do." Haha, so over dinner, I found out more information, that she is going to attend Texas A&M University in the fall. Again I thought Fate. Summer rolled around, and I was at UT, a few hours closer to her, then I moved to Rice, even more closer, and then into A&M. What more can I ask for? Things got better, she was a Terry Foundation scholar just like me, suprises upon suprises so was her roommate Danielle. She enjoyed the simples things, like making dinner for me, sharing an umbrella, falling asleep under a tree outside, waiting outside of class an hour just so we can walk home. Of course, I worked hard, refined my etiquette, made sure she was never ashamed. But around the last week of November, she got really sick. It was then I realized how much she actually cared for me. When I saw her, she wasn't worried about getting better...she was worried about me, her being a burden on me, because I wasn't able to study for my exams, that I had to miss class to take care of her. She was still able to be unselfish in that state, putting my priorities above hers. And later, after I cooked her soup, I started doing household chores. After washing the dishes, cleaning around the house, and doing the laundry, I was exhausted. To think that she did that everyday on top of going to school and holding a job, she never complained or made a sour face, it made me appreciate her even more, and I vowed to never ever let her work that hard again. That made me want to go lay beside her even though she is sick, so I went in and she was up crying, saying those same exact words about how I must be disappointed in her. I told her, "I can never ever be disappointed in you, I can only be marveled at your unselfishness, dedication, and love." Haha, you know, I eventually ended up missing the exams I studied for anyways. As soon as she got better, she went to South Carolina, and her plane got stranded there because of a snowstorm. I drove there to pick her up, because I am not going to let her sit there in the airport surrounded by 'scary' looking strangers. Besides, we both could of used a roadtrip. =)


So if you haven't figured it out yet, in a relationship I put the other 'first' because that is the way it should be. I'm not good enough, or I want good things for her don't enter my mind. Because if you put the person first, then you make sure they get good things, that they're loved, that you're good enough. You don't care about what others say or think. One of the rare times we fought:

Rebecca: I can't stand everyone talking about us.
Me: They're just jealous. You know that better than anyone.
Rebecca: But I don't want to cause any problems
Me: No matter what everyone else says about you, no matter what the whole world says about you, it doesn't matter to me. Everyone is irresponsible towards others, they just say what they want. So whatever the hell they say, I don't pay attention to it. But if you believe it, that you're no good for me, that we shouldn't be together, that we just cause problems, then I have no other choice because you believe it. I can protect us from them, but I can't protect us if you are the one that believes it. Only you have the right to decide how you feel. So what do you want? Them or us? What are you going to do?
Rebecca: But it is just so hard to deal with it when everyone
Me: (Yelling) I DIDN'T ASK YOU ABOUT WHAT EVERYONE ELSE THOUGHT! YOU DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO, IF YOU WANT ME TO END IT OR NOT!
Rebecca: (Yelling) I WANT US TO BE TOGETHER!
Me: Okay...then it's settled, no more of this nonsense in the future then.

My Preferences
I am not going to list all of my preferences mostly because they don't really determine anything. I've fell in love with many people, and most of the time they absolutely don't even match any of my preferences. The only thing I'm really picky about is, that they have to be Mature but not too serious all the time, the so called right balance.

Me in Love
Yeah, I flirt a lot with people. Sometimes I even get too sexual physically and verbally. But when it comes to me and the other person that I love...I don't know. Lols. Maybe shy might be a good word. Yeah, maybe that's why I like someone with a little bit of control sometimes. I don't know. I'm just a weird person.

Love has its own time, its own seasons, and its own reasons for coming and going. You can't bribe or coerce it or reason with it staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you, but if it chooses to leave your heart or the heart of your lover. There is nothing you can do and nothing you should do. Be glad it came to live a moment in your life, if you keep your heart open it will come again.

"The heart may freeze, or it can burn. The pain will ease if i can learn--there is no future; there is no past. I live each moment as my last. There's only us; there's only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss."

I look at the moon and a single star. It's making me crazy wondering where you are. I reach out and touch that heavenly face. Open my hand and there`s empty space.

Found this on my hard drive,
I didn't write it, but I strongly feel some of the things in it...
I feel that way a lot:
If only I could understand you and I. I could only care so much for you. I could only give so much to you. You want me to let loose, understand you. You want me to be happy. Not be mad. You want me to not care about 'her'. You want a lot. I can only give so much. I can love you - care for you. But I can't promise to not care about 'her'. I don't tell you cuz I am afraid. Afraid of your laughter. You'll laugh at me, and I'll feel stupid for even trying to tell you how I feel about everything. You'll say I'm over reacting and that I shouldn't even care about her because you won't do anything. I know that! I KNOW that! Stop telling me! All of you left and right! The voices constantly ringing in my head! "Stop being jealous. She won't do anything!" Is that what all of you think of me? Is that it? I"m viewed as jealous huh? That's so awesome to know that you judged me as being jealous and raged over the fact that I don't want to do anything to hurt you. If I was to be there, then that'll just mess ever thing up. If I was to care then she'll just be more afraid to talk to you. And you know what? You'll BLAME me! For everything! I'm tired of that. I try to avoid it for the better good of everyone else. But someone, 'she' always ends up as the victim, and me always ends up as the predator that preys upon her! Why is that? Why? I don't know why. I can't stop my feelings for you, but then I can't stop the embarrassment that comes along with it. I can't keep having people think of me as the 'envious' one. Because you know what? I'm not...
Promises to change? I could only promise you this. I'll try to stop getting mad. Getting mad is something I'm great at yes I admit. I know all of you are trying to help me! I know that you don't like arguing because there are more things that we can do besides arguing. I promise to open up to you whether you do the same to me or not. Whether you back up and just not even listen. I don't care. You don't have to listen and I'll still tell you. Cuz within me, it is so safe to just tell you how I feel. How life is to me. I hope you understand. And not think that I am going crazy. I could have easily ended it there before when you and Michelle was so called 'close'. To tell you the truth YES i was jealous that time. Cuz I would see you always around her. Never around me. How would you feel if I had done that. How would you feel if someone came up and asked you if you are still with me cuz they be seeing me around my ex all the time? Well it scared me shitless cuz I didn't know whether we were togheter that time or not. Or whether you and Michelle was together. I did not know. I'm sure as hell you got mad when I wanted to hang out with Chhun that day when you and Dara wanted to hang out with me. Well you know what, now you know the feeling. The feeling of being alone. Because that fuccin song 'you are not alone' is a fuccin liar! I hate that song. Cuz whenever I feel alone, it doesn't make up for anything what-so-ever. I'm not saying you should stop talking to her forever and ever! Cuz NO that is not right. That is wrong. She's a great person and great friend and a great girl. That's why you fell for her before! And I don't hate that I like that. I think it's something you should charish in your heart forever. It's your business I know, and i shouldn't be getting myself involved. But if it gets me to the point where i am beginning to look bad. Then believe me, it bothers me as well. I realized this would not happen if I had trusted you from the start. If I had just told myself yes he's with her, but he needs his time alone. I shouldn't be obssesive and over reactive. Cuz I realize that might as well scare you away. But i've been with you for so long that it begins to bug me. To think it over of what had happened. To realize that I actually felt bad. Felt bad that I started to avoid you, the problem, everything. Hoping one day it would go away. Hoping that it would just fade away into the air and everything would come back to normal. There's more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me. That is so true. There is more to life than to my satisfaction. There is you, family, cindy, food! hahah everything you could ever imagine! And i'll try to understand that. I gotta stop caring about every lil' detail and just care for what I have right now. What is right in front of me. I shouldn't let things influence me, and I should show my emotions in a different way. Instead of just avoiding and walking away and acting 'mad' all the time. Cuz that doesn't solve any problems. I grew up to be a problem solver, well I'm not doing such a great job. I believe that I can accomplish what I cam after. I don't think you know it yet, but someday you'll know. You'll know when you feel 'it'. I read how people just say "I love you" so fast when they only knew the person for like 3 days. I hate that you know? It makes them sound fake and stupid. Maybe they only love the person's appearance. Not the person they are or will be. I haven't discovered that yet. So i can't say it myself or else i'd go back on my words and look stupid myself. But just to acknowledge the fact that I am trying to look for that in you...is a great feeling...do you know?

Your Preference?
The girl, who needs a lots of care, or a girl who can die for you without knowing you?
The woman who can die for me without knowing me.

A girl who is aggressive, or a girl who is more like girly an innocent?
Aggressive

A girl with long hair, or a girl with short hair?
As long as it's to the shoulders it's fine