Saturday, June 7th, 2003 @ 5:30 In The Evening
Wow, today was pretty good. There's nothing like listening to old music and singing it out loud! Okay, I'll admit that singing out loud in the mall is a little extreme, but I didn't really give a damn. Lols. I was going to enjoy a nice day! Other than that little escape from reality, I've really not done much. I've just been thinking quite a lot lately. Some of it is troublesome, yet I think I can bear it. I'm a survivor! Lols...I'll survive! Hopefully...somehow...mostly, it's about the recent dreams. I've been trying to figure out its meaning. Not to live my life and hope it'll happen, but so I can understand why they were shown to me. Like what is the purpose of showing them to me? To give me hope? To let me know there is a future worth living for? Or just because they were meant to be shown? So many questions in our lives, yet not all of them can be answered, nor are all worth answering. Maybe that is so with this one, but I have nothing better to do, so why not indulge myself right? I'll admit, it does trouble me, I mean the fact that monks chant for you to die? But it doesn't really scare me anymore. If it happens, it happens, nothing you can do. I've been living my life as best as I can since I was young, and always hoping for it to get better, despite the fact that it hasn't. But all we can do is hope, hope that one day it'll happen. I'll keep hoping until then...
G-Bookie
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Wednesday, June 4th, 2003 @ 6:30 In The Evening
I've been through so much lately, that it's a miracle that I'm still here. I don't even know how I can take it all, and if I can take any more. I want to take some time to thank all the people that are there to comfort me. Thanks for being there for me...I don't know what I would do without all of you. It is true that the world can cruel sometimes, but it seems as if the world has been cruel to me my whole life. I never seem to be able to get what I want, or do whatever pleases me anymore.
G-Bookie
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Saturday, May 31st, 2003 @ 6:07 In The Evening
Before I get into anything else, let me just congratulate the class of 2003 first! Congratualations! Lols. Well lately I have been doing a job search, and it has not been going too well, so I'm kind of disappointed in that area. Also I have been doing quite a lot of thinking. By a lot, it's more than my normal thinking time, and I do think a lot for those of you who know me. I have been thinking about what it is that is making me so depressed. I realized that all my life, I have been trying to "fit in." I guess it's just because I feel so lonely everyday, everytime. I don't really have anyone to hang out with now. My family? They think I'm an outcast...I'm not good enough for them. Sure they say stuff about me to other people, when we are out, but at home is a different story. Everything I do is not good enough, and it will never be. Outside the house? I don't really have any friends. If I did, I wouldn't be stuck here in the house would I? I'd be out hanging with them. I never really had one close friend. I usually just friends with people then we drift apart. Not one definant and constant one. I've been trying so hard to find one, that I've become so many different people just to fit in. I'm going to stop that right now. I'm going to be me. It's all I can be. No more, no less. Even with all that said and done, I still am lonely. Everyone can tell me, yes I feel that way all the time too. But I can tell you no you're not. You have to at least have a friend you can go to, or someone who did care about you. I have no one. So you tell me, but you've got me, I'm always here for you. No you're not. Maybe emotionally and mentally, but not physically. I've tried so hard to find someone, but I always end up with nothing. Everyone always tells me, "Oh, you're a nice guy, Don't worry about it." etc. But I can't help myself not to worry about it. You tell me not to worry about it because you've got what I DON'T! Of course you don't have to worry about it, but I DO! Is this how I am going to spend my whole life? Searching for the answers? Living in the dark? Spending my whole life to make amends for something I didn't do? Trying to become something I am not to make my family and everyone else happy? Why does my life have to be like this? What did I do in my past that was so wrong? Will I ever find what I'm looking for? What is my purpose in this world? All those questions...still unanswered. Another thing I realized...most mean people, aren't mean by choice. Sure they seem that way, but they have a history few know about. No one is mean unless there is a lot of pain and suffering behind it. Will I become one of those people? I don't know what the future holds, but I'll just let it run its course.
G-Bookie
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Monday, May 26th, 2003 @ 10:41 In The Evening
So much drama since the last time I logged. Gosh, that is part of the reason why I haven't written. But I feel a lot better now. I realize that most of the drama has nothing to do with me. I went to the park today, and saw some pretty swans. You just can't help but to admire Nature's beauty sometimes. Other than that, my brother, Sam, and I decided to go get haircuts, the only problem was that the barber was closed today. ::sigh:: So we ended up eating, and shooting pool. And now there's not much to do. I'm about ready to go to sleep, and see what the new week has to offer for me. Yes I know it is the new week already, but I include holidays as weekends. =)
G-Bookie
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