08.02.06  She says she never wants to get back together.  This is bullshit.  We both know it.  You don't just shut off feelings you had after a couple days.  We belong together.  I'm sure everybody realizes this.  Even her.  If she ditches me tomorrow and on Valentine's Day, I will probably never speak to her again.  If she sleeps with someone else, she will put an end to a friendship that has lasted 6 years and survived so much.  If we're not together again by our 4 year anniversary, I don't know what I'll do.  I don't even know if I'll live to see 27.  All I want is her.  And everybody knows it.  Everybody.
10.02.06  If we don't spend Valentine's Day together, she will never see me or hear from me again.  We belong together.  Whether she wants to admit it or not, we're in love.  I know we can fix this, but she needs to help me.  All I've ever wanted, no matter what, was to be with her.  For the rest of our lives.  If she chooses someone she barely knows and breaks my heart on that day, I will shut her out of my life completely.  She will be throwing away 6 years of friendship and 4 years of the most passionate love I've ever given anyone.  She is my valentine.  I am hers.  Period.
12.02.06  It seems like it's become a contest of who could hurt the other one more.  Only I'm not playing.  I'm in love with this girl and she's my future.  I never intended to hurt her or make her worry.  The problem is when I spend time with other people, I'm just reminded of how lucky I am to have her.  I love her love.  But when she's with some other guy, whether they're dating or not (and I'm still not entirely clear on this), she moves on that much more and loves me that much less.  Is that her goal?  One day she doesn't care about us, then the next she wants a future with me.  I don't know what to believe anymore.  I don't want to get hurt.  I promised her I'd never hurt her.  I would do anything within reason to make us work.  To fix us.  Cuz we belong together.  And a part of her still believes this.  I know it.  So what should I do?  I want to know that she is really interested in fixing us.  That she believes it's possible.  She tells me she won't be my girlfriend again till I kick someone out of my life for good.  That she would do the same, once we're together.  But then says she won't.  And she says she's faithful to me and we're exclusive, but then she'll say she's dating someone else.  And she likes him.  It hurts so much.  I never moved on or attempted to.  I have been in love with her for so long and I don't want it to stop.  I want us to find our way back to each other.  Back to calm.  I know it's possible.  But I can't jump through hoops to get her.  Now I have to fix my life and make something of myself to be with her?  It's like she's postponing us any way possible to see where it goes with him.  That's really not fair to him or to me.  Or to her.  I would never date someone else if I was still in love with her.  I would properly move on first.  But she's not like that, I guess.  And I'm stuck here, once again, writing in this goddamn journal, her always on my mind.  Wanting us to be right again.  I need her in my life and heart in order to fix my life.  I can't do it without her.  I want to be a better man for her, for our future.  I have every intention of fixing us and fixing me and my own life.  I couldn't...  I wouldn't marry her otherwise.  And I will marry her.  We were meant to be together.  But here I am, wondering if she's kissing him or falling for him.  Wondering if I've even crossed her mind all night.  Wanting to cry.  Wanting to puke.  Wanting to die.  Wanting her to choose me for once.  Hoping she won't throw away 6 years.  I will love her forever.  I just want the same from her.  I don't want tomorrow to come where she suddenly doesn't want us anymore.  Where anytime I see her, I have to pretend I don't want to be closer.  I'm so goddamn sick of worrying.  I can't even sleep.  I have work in the morning, and I can't sleep cuz I need to talk to her and know that's we're still okay.  That we still have something resembling a future together.  I know she's in love with me.  I just hope she realizes how easily we can lose it all.  And I just hope that matters enough to her.
16.02.06  If she really slept with someone else, and I'm 90 fucking percent sure that she did (either on her birthday when she referred to not wanting to sleep with more than one person and avoided sex with me, or this past Sunday when I was worried out of my fucking mind), I hope she realizes what she did to me and to us every fucking time she looks at him.  If she didn't, she needs to fucking explain why she would possibly say she did.  I think I'm going to shut her out of my life till I get the truth, till I get some kind of answer.  And the longer she takes to give me a reason why she lied and the longer we go without being together, the more I believe she slept with someone else and is moving on, which means I have no choice but to.  If she doesn't want me to, she needs to fucking say something now.  And sometimes actions speak volumes louder than words.
17.02.06  If she really loves me and believes I'm her one, why is she not mine?  How do I get through this?  How do I shut her out and move on?  Why do I?  I still believe in us, I guess.  And I just want to hold her and kiss her and maybe make love to her.  Maybe not.  I know there's a big part of her that wants all this too.  Still.  So why are we constantly fighting it?  She should've moved on first if she really wanted to make something else work.  But we're still at least partially in love.  And I don't know how to let that go.  Or why.
03.04.06  I need her to prove her love for me and her devotion.  This is the final test.  It's more than a test because I need to do this for myself just as much.  I know that we will be together again.  I know that we belong together.  But she has the ability, just like me, to fuck it up.  If she moves on, I'll move on.  If she sleeps with someone else, I will never see her again.  I'm so tempted to stay the hell away because of what she did last night.  But I'm addicted to her.  She's addicted to me.  I need this distance, but she is still my goal and always will be.  We do belong together.  But we need to find peace with ourselves.  And when we meet again, I know it'll last forever.  We just need to prove ourselves once and for all.
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