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| 03.01.05 There is this overwhelming sadness in me. I can barely eat or sleep. It completely plagues me at work. I guess this is depression. Depression brought on by the simple thought that I will never again kiss the girl I am genuinely in love with. It hurts so much knowing as much everytime I see her. Everytime I look at her, I can't help but think how she gets more beautiful each time I have the pleasure of seeing her. But this won't make any difference. She knows how I feel, I'm sure. And she simply doesn't care about me anymore. Or maybe she just says so. I don't know. It's just so devastating that there's nothing I can say or do to make her mine again. I've lost her as my lover and probably as my friend. And I have no idea what to do. I just want to make her happy and have her make me happy. I need to stop being so sensitive. I miss her skin. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I miss her touch. I just miss her so much in so many ways. I know I have abandonment issues. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. I want to be a better person for her. I know deep down she's a good person and she's amazing in ways I could never express. I just hope she knows how proud of her I am. And I know my opinion means shit to her, but my feelings are true. My love is all I have to offer her now. I'll do everything I can to be able to offer her something more someday. Although, it's probably too late. My biggest issue, the reason I have pushed so many people away, is I just want people to care about me, like I care about them. I don't know if she really doesn't care about me anymore. I'm off her buddy list. Maybe out of her life for good. That's the most depressing thing I can fathom. She thinks I'm crazy. I don't know. Maybe I am a little. It would make sense. But I do know that my feelings for her are probably the only feelings I can trust that I have left. When she says there is no us, it hurts more than any pain I have ever felt. Because she is the greatest relief I've ever experienced. I love her more and more each day, and I know that I've never loved anyone or anything this much. I miss her so much. I miss how it feels when things are right. I really don't know what I'll do without her. And it scares me to think that none of this matters at all to her. That it's irrelevant. She is my everything and I'm her nothing. I'd give up anything just to hold her and kiss her for another night, with no drama (as it was never my intention - it seriously makes me physically ill to fight with her). I'd do anything just to be close to her again. I'm not sure where I go from here. I just hope she can remember the good nights and how they felt. I just hope she still cares. Even if it's just a little. This part of me that holds the sadness... it might always be there. Because I know there's a significant part of me that will always love her, even she's never mine again (even slightly). I also hopes she knows how sorry I am for ever hurting her. I'd give anything to take it all back, just to have her love me again. Or even like me. I don't want this misery anymore. I just want to hold her... My heart is hers. | ||||||||||||||
| 15.01.05 I think this girl that comes into work is interested in me. It's a weird thing. I'm definitely not used to girls being interested in me. She was sitting up at the front, talking to the Loss Prevention guy, and when I went up to get a key for the video game cases, he asks me if I have a girlfriend. I hardly know this guy, he's certainly not gay, and he asks me if I have a girlfriend? I could be missing something, but she seems interested. It's just weird. | ||||||||||||||
| 19.01.05 I'm such a goddamn mess lately. I'm afraid she'll never want to come over again cuz of how I am. I don't understand why I'm so much sicker some times. I try to avoid things that make me feel this way, even more when I know we'll be hanging out. But it doesn't seem to be working. I feel so bad, cuz she shouldn't have to put up with this. And I'm so afraid that she'll eventually stop coming over. It's not gonna be like this for much longer. Hopefully everything will be better soon. I want her to be happy and enjoy spending time with me. The last thing I want is to be a burden. I want to be close with her. When she leaves without us having been close the whole time, it feels like she's lost any interest in me she had left. Like if I can't, I don't know, satisfy her or whatever, what good am I? It hurts. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it, but she never tells me when she's leaving, she just leaves. And it's always such a cold goodbye. God, does it hurt. I just want her to really care about me and show she does. I don't think it's too much to ask for a little compassion and consoling once in awhile, when I really need it. Anyway... I had this dream again today that I had a couple weeks ago. It felt like my teeth were being ripped out. The pain is real and it's incredible and I have no clue what it means. Maybe it means I'm dying. Or going to die soon. I'm kinda scared. But I'm trying just to focus on my life, my health, my work. Hopefully everything, and I do mean everything, will be okay. | ||||||||||||||
| 24.01.05 I feel like something is going on. I'm probably completely paranoid, but it feels like she's hiding something from me. Maybe something that will hurt me. I almost don't want to know. I just want things to feel good again. I just want to be close to her again. I miss that. I miss her. I crave her... | ||||||||||||||
| 07.02.05 Things are extremely complicated in the love department. It's pretty obvious that all I've wanted for the past several months is to get back together with the girl I'm retardedly in love with. And last week, it seemed like she wanted the same. And she proved her love for me was true. Then Thursday she meets some guy, he asks her out Saturday and she goes on a date. Can I believe she still loves me and wants to be with me after she's gone on a date with another guy, with a second one to follow tonight? I don't know. She always loses interest in me when someone else shows interest in her. I'm not implying that it's inconceivable for someone to find interest in her. She's an amazing person and she's beautiful and she makes me proud with each new day. I fall more and more in love with her, and I have no idea what to do. Do I stop? Do I find someone else? I literally have no interest in anyone else. And since the first CD of The Hostage. Project is basically a love letter to her, it's not like I'll be able to escape my feelings for her and thinking about her. But I hate being so sad with no security. And does it even make sense to kiss and be close and make love to someone you're supposedly in love with and date someone else? That seems wrong and misguided. Like someone involved is getting led on. It feels like it might be me. | ||||||||||||||
| 11.02.05 You should be with the one you love on Valentine's Day. Since I cannot, I will be alone. But my heart will keep beating... | ||||||||||||||
| 14.02.05 Tonight, the sadness got to be too much. Tonight, I killed myself and nobody noticed. And nobody cared... | ||||||||||||||