17.06.06.  She knows that I'm in love with her.  If she doesn't know I have been for the longest time and that I've always just wanted us to get better and get together, she's insane.  I have had nothing but love and patience for her.  But she's basically telling me she doesn't love me anymore.  That she doesn't want to be with me.  It doesn't matter if she's lying about her feelings or not.  I don't feel it.  And if I don't feel it, I have to start taking it at face value.  If it's a lie, I'll believe the lie.  But I'm almost entirely positive it's the truth.  I need to get to the point where there's no doubt in my mind that she's completely moved on and we'll never be together again.  Then I can.  I'm giving myself a week.  Or, more likely, she is the one I'm giving a week.  Then she's out of my life for good.  I do not want to be part of her life so she can have back-up.  Or just to make sure I'm not seeing some other girl.  A particular girl.  One I've never even dated, kissed, fucked or had feelings for.  This other girl was a friend and Crissy built it up into so much more for so long.  And I tried to wait it out.  I thought she'd fucking accept the fact that I was only in love with one girl.  But she won't trust me.  I've proven my love and fidelity, beyond any goddamn need to.  But I'm not doing it anymore.  If I meet someone, I'm not going to automatically write it off.  There is no point in being hopelessly devoted to someone who couldn't even prove their love for you.  Especially someone who no longer wants you.  I've told her I shouldn't have had to deal with that whole other girl situation for as long as I did.  Why deal with it now, when we're so completely over and there's no going back?  Like, I'm not suddenly going to pursue her because Crissy and I are over.  I didn't want her then.  I don't want her now.  And I never will want her.  She is my friend.  And I'm not answering for it anymore.  As far as I'm concerned Crissy is not my friend and more importantly, she is not my girlfriend, my lover, my soulmate, my future.  She never will be again.  So I will get over her, whatever it takes.  It just took me too fucking long to realize I was wrong about us.  That's pretty depressing.
19.06.06  This is her last fucking chance.  I would have lost sleep to fucking spend time with her, cuz all I have been interested in doing is reconnecting with her.  Actually feeling the love she claims to have for me.  But she has been abusing it.  She has taken advantage of it for the last time tonight.  Instead of losing sleep for her, I lost sleep over her.  And I'm done.  If she wants to keep me in her life, she will see me.  Thursday night.  June 22.  If she's not, she's out of my life for good.  I will not respond to any emails or texts or answer any calls.  She will see me that night or she will be out of my life for good.  That's not a threat.  It's a promise.  I hope she reads this in time.  But if she doesn't, I will not take it as an excuse.  I either see her Thursday night or I am through with her.

She said "I love you more than you realize".  This is her last chance to prove it.  Or she will have to stop loving me, cuz I will do everything I can to stop loving her.  Even if that means believing a lie.
25.06.06  If she doesn't make plans in advance with me for this Thursday, June 29, it is quite clear I am only back-up.  A safety net.  I will give her CDs to Katy at the record exchange and I promise I will never see her or talk to her again.  That is not a threat.  I have been through too much cuz of this girl.  And if she can't prove herself by making a serious effort, I need to move the fuck on, once and for all.  Thursday.  If not, I will not respond to any of her emails or texts.  I will not answer her calls.  I will shut her out completely...  forever.  I saw her Thursday night and I thought we connected again, but it was slight and I need to know for sure if there's anything there.  This is about more than sex and kissing and all of that.  I need to feel close.  I need to feel loved.  I need to feel like she has made the effort and wants to see me.  If she can't make plans with me in advance for that night, I'm not worth it to her.  And I will have no goddamn choice but to get over her.
02.07.06.  Here goes nothing:  All she's become lately is reasons to hate me.  It's where her focus lies.  But I think she needs to remember why she loves me, what was so great about us.  If we lose it, we've lost everything.  Honestly, she knows she has no reason to hate me and shut me out like this.  I am guilty of nothing but loving her completely.  Being forgiving, patient, tolerant.  I have love for her that she can't even acknowledge.  To me there are only two reasons she would block me.  One, she still loves me and is still afraid of losing me and still feels threatened.  But she knows she has always been the first person on my list that I want to see, even as I have become the last on hers.  Now I'm off it.  She knows where I stand and always has.  So I don't think that's it.  The only other reason is so that she can do whatever she wants without me knowing.  Spend all night at another man's house.  Even if she doesn't, without knowing when she's home, I will automatically assume the worst.  This is what she planted into my head.  I wish it wasn't there, but it is.  She's driving me crazy and I have done nothing but try to reconnect with her.  So this is my final plea.  I know she'll let me down, but I can't stop loving her yet.  If she doesn't prove herself now, she never will and I will never let her back into my life.

If she doesn't contact me by Friday, July 7 to apologize and tell me that she loves me, I'm keeping her blocked and moving on.
If we don't kiss by July 11, I'm keeping her blocked and moving on.
If we don't seriously reconnect by July 15, I'm keeping her blocked and moving on.
All of these things must happen or she will never have me in her life again.  Not even as a friend.
She is wrong and she knows it.  And I do not need to explain why.  She knows this as well.

But let's just get it out there anyway, shall we?  She wants to get mad at me for hanging out with Liz.  Some girl I'm friends with who I rarely see.  Right.  Yet it's perfectly alright for her to go out with other men.  Let's think about this.  I go out to a public place with my friend for like half an hour.  Crissy knows where I stand with her.  She knows I love her and want to be with her.  Now she on the otherhand tells me how she's a free woman and can do whatever she wants and what she wants to do is apparently date other people.  Then she goes out to a bar with another man and back to his house till 5 or 6 in the morning.  And I'm the bad guy?  I'm the one who is shady and can't be trusted.  If she knew I was with Liz and proceeded to text me, I would not ignore her.  She, of course, would always ignore me.  I have proven my love to her.  She has proven that she doesn't love me or care about me.  Or doesn't want to show it.  I don't know.  It's bullshit and it makes her a hypocrite.  And the only reason I even hang out with other people is because Crissy has become too busy for me.  I don't fit into her life and she likes it that way.  I am just stress and drama and fighting and blah blah blah.  Even if she starts it all.  So she takes me for granted and takes advantage of my love, and I'm supposed to what?  Beg her to see me?  Beg her to forgive me, eventhough I'm not in the wrong?  I want her in my life, but not this version of her.  And not with the way she's been treating me.  Honestly, I miss her more than I can put into words.  But she has been absolute shit to me lately, and I wouldn't even have her in my life unless things were very different.  But I know she's not willing to make changes.  I'm her scapegoat, her whipping boy, her safety net and she has been unable and unwilling to prove otherwise.  So why the hell should I wait around for a change that she's not going to make?  If she seriously thinks something is going to happen with me and another girl, one in particular, she's probably never going to believe otherwise.  And that sucks.  Because she's always the person at the top of my list that I want to see, and I'd even stay up all night when I have work in the morning to see her.  Or even talk to her.  To put her mind at ease.  I have always tried to give her peace of mind.  Let her know how much I love her and care about her and wanted to fix things.  But I won't take the blame or give it to someone who is not even at fault.  I hate that things have gotten this way, but there isn't a lot else I can do.  For weeks now I have been the last resort, the last name on Crissy's list.  And now I'm off the goddamn list.  For what?  What exactly is my crime here?  Hanging out with people that actually want to hang out with me?  People that actually make something resembling an effort?  I was here before, last summer, and I had literally no one.  And it was Hell.  It's still not easy now, cuz I think about her all the time.  Even when I'm with other people I think about her and miss her.  It just feels incomplete.  But she no longer feels that way.  In fact, I'm sure she hasn't even thought about me or missed me in so long.  And if she's thought about me, it's been hostile and negative.  Which is bullshit.  I spent $137 on a three-park season pass so that we could go to Great Adventure together.  I wanted to do whatever I could to reconnect with her.  Cuz I felt us growing apart.  I wanted to remind her of what we meant to each other.  I wanted to rekindle what's been missing for so long.  And now I've basically thrown away that money.  Cuz if she's out of my life, what's the point of even going?  I seriously don't want to go with anyone else.  And it's the same way with sex and all that other stuff.  I can't even begin to imagine sex with someone else.  Can she?  Has she?  Does she?  Will she?  Is love still essential to sex for her?  I hope it is.  I try to have faith in her humanity or morality, but I do worry.  I worry not just about her sleeping with someone else (or leading me to believe such), but also about her falling in love with someone else or convincing herself she has, like she's convinced herself she no longer loves me.  And it hurts.  Cuz she says she does.  And I never know what the hell to believe.  She knows I love her more than anyone and anything in the world.  If she doesn't feel loved, then she doesn't want to.  She wants a reason to hate me, a reason to walk away for good.  Or stay away, I guess.  And we both know the whole sex thing would be the final straw.  But she's better than that, I think.  I know she must be.  She has hurt me intentionally on so many occasions, and I've given her the benefit of the doubt.  I've forgiven her for things no sane man would have.  All because I love her and I am trying to find her again.  But she's lost.  And if she's fucking up and is truly this apathetic, mean, heartless person she has been, I don't even want to be apart of her life.  Or is she just that person to me?  I really think the reason we bring out the worst in each other is because we're so fucking afraid of losing each other and what that would mean.  But for someone who claims to love me more than I realize, she hasn't shown it nearly enough lately.  Actually, she's barely been able to say it.  And any drama lately has been brought on by exactly that.  She once quoted me and said she just wants to feel loved.  Well, honestly, she should.  I think I have proven time and time again how much I love her and how much she means to me.  All I've ever wanted was to feel loved and trusted and avoid the conflict that is so unnecessary.  For someone who was so afraid of losing me, it just doesn't even make sense that she'd constantly push me or throw me away.  Everyone else in my life is basically a distraction.  Cuz if I just sat at home all the time and missed her, I'd go insane.  I'd probably kill myself if I had to put myself throught that shit again.  I have these people in my life almost entirely for the sole purpose of avoiding a repeat of last summer.  She is the reason I need them.  And she promised me she'd never treat me like she did last summer.  A promise she couldn't even keep.  I have forgiven her for the intentional hurtful things she's said to me, things I sometimes feel about myself but can't bear to hear coming from her lips.  That I'm a loser, a worthless piece of shit.  If she means it, it's heartbreaking.  If she doesn't, it's almost as bad anyway.  I have been doing my goddamn best to avoid fighting with her.  I'm in love with her, but my love can't be unconditional anymore.  If I've truly lost her, I'll never hear from her again.  And I'll move on completely.  And once I'm there, there's no going back.  It will be fucking tragic, but what else can I do?  She'll have my songs and I'll have our memories.
07.07.06  I kissed Liz.  I fucked Liz.  These are the ONLY reasons blocking me and ignoring me and basically abandoning me would make any fucking sense at all.  But I have done neither and she fucking KNOWS this.  I never would.  But why does she even care?  Why would she even be jealous anymore?  She doesn't want me.  She says she loves me, then treats me like shit for weeks and ditches me.  Why should I care about her anymore?  Why should I miss her?  Why should I continue to love her?  I don't know what the hell to do anymore.  Does she miss me at all?  My voice, my lips, my touch?  Does she remember what it's like to be so close, to be so perfect in each other's arms?  Does she remember how perfect we fit together?  Does she still love me?  Or care about me?  This feels like she doesn't.  This feels as tragic as it gets.  But it could be so much worse, and I fear that it will be.  I'm trying to have faith in her, but she's giving me no reason to.  I don't know if I should stop loving her.  I don't know if I want to.
10.07.06  If she seriously wants me out of her life for good, I think she at least owes me an explanation why.  Or a reason why she's completely abandoned me.  I'm such a goddamn mess lately.  I don't even hide it that well.  The more distance there is between us the more it seems there's something I don't know.  Something going on in her life.  Maybe someone.  Probably someone.  And she's keeping me out more because of her own actions than my own.  Is she truly happy and has she found this happiness in someone else's arms?  I don't know.  I wish she'd tell me if that were the case.  It would make my life easier.  It would make getting over her easier.  I wonder if she thinks I abandoned her by not trying to contact her for a week.  Or if she thinks there's some other reason than the real one.  I mean, part of me did want to see how long I could go without missing her.  But every goddamn day I wanted to call her or text her or email her.  But I knew I hadn't done anything wrong and didn't want it to seem like I did.  I know how her mind works and I know what she probably thought.  And why she got so mad.  And I also know why she's able to distance herself from me for so long.  But this is pretty extreme.  Which makes me think that it is based more on what's going on in her life than anything I could've done that she feels has wronged her.  But I don't even know.  I try so much to have faith in her.  But maybe I'm just convincing myself she loves me, when everyone else is right.  Maybe this is manipulation.  I barely eat or sleep and I am up to something like a pack of cigarettes a day.  I hate the stress we've caused each other, and I have tried to avoid it so much.  But this is even worse.  This is fucking Hell and I wish I could dig my way out.  If she cares about me at all, maybe she should let me know what's going on in her life.  Either way.  If there's someone new, I hope she'll tell me.  I mean, why wouldn't she if she's so intent on having me out of her life for good?  What's there to lose?  If there has been someone else, I wonder if she even feels guilty?  I would.  I don't owe her fidelity or anything, but when I say I love her, I mean it, and that would be such a contradiction.  I'm seriously not interested in anyone else.  I am in love with this girl and I don't know when I won't be anymore.  So what now?  I mean, if there isn't someone new, I hope she'd tell me that too.  I'd prefer that to be the case, obviously, but it's the not knowing at all that makes me feel like this.  And I'm driving myself crazy and making myself sick over things that might not even be.  I just don't know.  I love her so much and I don't know how to stop.  I guess I'm just looking for a real reason to stop.  But only if it's the truth.  Cuz if she tells me she's been sleeping with someone else and it's not true, it will be the same as if it were.  I'll never fucking believe otherwise.  If she's willing to throw away everything on another lie like that, I can't just sit around and love her.  I can't go through that pain, especially if it's not the truth.  I don't want her to hurt me.  But I want the truth.  I want to know who she is.  I believe in her and I love her, but if there's someone else, I need to stop.  And I need to know soon, either way.  Even if there's not someone else, I know that doesn't mean she'll open her heart to me again.  But I can't keep feeling like this.  It's killing me.
14.07.06  Okay.  You win.  You can live without me.  I cannot live without you.  I've tried.  Every goddamn day I want to call you, but I know you won't talk to me.  And it's at this moment I want to kill myself the most.  My life without you just doesn't make sense.  And all I've wanted was for us to fix everything.  But maybe we'll never want it at the same time.  And right now, I feel like I don't know how to stop wanting it anymore.  Actually, I've always wanted it.  But I want you to want it for the right reasons.  So I'm making a plea.  You say you don't owe me anything.  And I've said the same, even if I've given you more than I needed to.  Peace, love, compassion.  You know that I love you.  If you don't, would you ever?  Well, you're my soul mate.  I don't just think this anymore.  I know it.  I knew it so many times when I saw you.  But now I know it when I haven't.  I don't know how this happened, but I realized exactly what this means to me and what I want.  I never wanted all that drama and fighting and stress, and I really do hope you know that.  You abandoned me again, like you did before, but I think you're still in love with me.  If I'm wrong, then I'll either find a way to live without you or I'll just self-destruct.  But I believe we owe this to ourselves.  I think we can prove everyone that doesn't approve of us wrong.  We know what it's like to love each other.  And it's now or never.  If you give it a chance, a real chance, and we both compromise and sacrifice, I think we can fix everything.  I wouldn't bother if I didn't think it impossible.  We can give each other what we want and what we need.  Whatever it takes, if you can promise me to try, even if only for a month, you and me, together, quality time, repairing, reconnecting, fixing, I will prove that we are better than they think we are.  I don't truly believe you're happy with me out of your life.  I know that you still love me and that you miss me, even if you can't admit it to me or anyone else.  Maybe you can't even admit it to yourself.  But you do.  I have seen the love in your eyes.  And that's all we need.  Remember?  All we need is love.  We have been through so much together.  But we belong together.  I honestly believe this.  And I'm ready to give you what you need if you can give me what I want.  If you can promise to never hurt me like this again.  Promise to give it a real chance.  You know that I'm your one.  You don't just think it sometimes.  You know it.  And I know it.  We've both been scared of losing it.  And if we don't do something now, I know that we will.  And, baby, we will regret it for the rest of our lives.  Believe me.  We have nothing left to lose.  So, I'm asking you, take a chance.  And I will do whatever it takes to make this work.  Give me a month and I will show you love you wouldn't believe.  We will build trust and faith in one another.  We will fall deeper in love.  We will realize exactly what we mean to each other and we will know that we should never let it go again.  You have nothing to lose.  I already know what this means to me.  You know too, even if you're not willing to admit it or accept it.  You're scared.  But I'm telling you right now, you have no reason to be.  I will make you so happy.  This is one promise I fully intend to keep.  I'm not letting you go again.  We will love each other and treat each other with respect.  No more stupid bullshit fights.  We do owe each other something:  Love.  A chance at greatness.  It always feels like it's too late, but I don't think it is.  We belong together.  I will never let anyone or anything come between us.  We are all that matters right now.  We are all that matters always.  Give us a proper chance and I promise you, I swear to God, I will make you feel loved and secure for the rest of your life.  So please call me, even if only for a couple minutes, and let's start fixing this before we lose it for good.  Think about what it feels like when we're happy together, holding each other, kissing each other, making love, showing love, feeling loved.  Think about it and call me.  I will never break your heart again if you promise to never break mine or shut me out and leave me in the dark.  I have faith in you.  We deserve each other and we deserve this love, free of all the drama and worry and doubts and fears and jealousy.  I believe in us completely now and I will never doubt it again.  I love you with all of my heart and I will show you forever if you can do the same in return.  This is my last journal entry.  Please call me.  I need to hear your voice.  I miss you so goddamn much.
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