summer2005

19.06.05 I lied to her. I told her I didn't love her anymore. I don't think that's even an option at this point. The truth is, I love her more now than ever. We've both changed a lot, but I still feel like she's my saving grace. Knowing that I'll get to be close to her gets me through the week. It gets me through my miserable life. I fall more in love with her everytime I see her. But we're in something of a love/hate relationship right now, minus the love. At least that's how it seems, as far as she is concerned. I hate fighting. I hate conflict. I want to be her one and only, but I can't even be her boyfriend. I would marry her, but she wouldn't even entertain the notion. Ever. It hurts. I have to decide whether or not to get over her. Or whether this nagging feeling that I'm only around till something better comes along is truth or just paranoia. I don't know anymore.

05.07.05 We got into a huge fight on Sunday. It wasn't entirely my fault. She said mean, hurtful things. Like she hated me. Like she never wanted to see me again. Like she wanted this friendship to end. I think the fact that she refers to us as a friendship made it hurt much more. This doesn't make sense as a friendship. And maybe she doesn't think it can work as a relationship. I know that I want her in my life forever. I know that I love her so much. I love her more each time I see her. Everytime I look at her all I can think about is grabbing her and holding her and kissing her. She thinks I'm crazy. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm a little emotionally unstable. I'm scared of losing the people I care about most. I react badly or overreact often. I don't know. I can't always justify my behavior, but I'm trying to be better. I used to fight with my father all the time, but it's been years since we've had a real blow-up, so maybe I'm getting better at dealing with people. I just hate how people can be sometimes. It's so incredibly hard to find the good in people nowadays. But I'm trying. And I don't want to lose her. I really don't. Sunday night it seemed like things were better, than the next day it's like that never happened. God, I ramble. Monday she asks me why I'm talking to her. Apparently we're not talking to each other anymore. Apparently missing me and wanting to be with me doesn't mean what I think it means. The truth is, I need to know where I stand with her. I have all of my heart invested in her. That's become far more dangerous than I had originally anticipated. I don't want to get hurt. I'm actually getting hurt sometimes just by this continued association with her. I never thought it too much to ask to feel loved rather than just be told I was. I just want us to treat each other better. I'm certainly not completely innocent. But I try my best, I really do. I want her to know and feel how much I love her. I want it to mean something to her. I fight for this. I have always fought for this. And I will continue to fight for this till I can accept that there's nothing left to fight for. Maybe there isn't. I don't know. I don't know how she really feels. Maybe she doesn't either. It's always tainted by the outside world and all its glorious influences. Maybe I need to get over her for real. Maybe I need to move on. Maybe I need to be able to let go. I'm not anywhere near that point, but if things continue like this, off and on, hot and cold, I don't think I have another choice. She is my everything right now, but I always feel rather insignificant to her. If that's truly the case, I can't continue. I don't know why she's changed so much. When did growing up mean growing apart? The truth is, I'm losing everyone. And that scares me so much. Losing her would be the worst thing imaginable. And that's what it feels like is happening. And if it's partially my own doing, how do I live with myself? I don't know what to do or say anymore. I'm sick of thinking and stressing over this stuff. She isn't even my girlfriend, technically, but she should be.

08.07.05 I am bleeding. And for the first time, I honestly don't care...

11.07.05 Things are such a mess and I have no idea how to fix them. Or if I even can, at this point.

16.07.05 She said she loved me. I don't think she meant it. Why say it then? I'm so tired of walking on eggshells. I just miss her so much, and it seems like she hasn't even noticed this distance between us. I haven't seen her in two weeks. I wonder when I even will again. Or if I will. I'd walk a million miles just to kiss her, to hold her. But maybe I need to put more distance between us. If things keep on like this, I'll have no choice but to block and avoid her. I'll just disappear. I doubt she'd even notice.

She seems to be convinced that I am crazy. The only crazy thing I've done thusfar is continue to love her after she started treating me like shit. I am done.

19.07.05 I won't block you. Not yet. Maybe I'm hopeless, but I still feel like there's something worth fighting for, whatever that is. You can tell me you don't love me, but I won't believe you. I don't think it's possible to rid ourselves of these feelings in a matter of days. You can tell me you haven't loved me for years or months, but I won't believe that either. I saw it in your eyes the same way you saw it in mine. You tell me I need to get over this. Maybe I do, but not yet. Maybe I am crazy for continuing to love you. I'm sure you would agree. All I ask is that you think about some of the times we were together. When we were happy. If the words feel forced (they're not) or trite, then please try and think about the moments and emotions they're trying to convey. I know it makes little difference, but I think somewhere deep down, you know exactly where I'm coming from. If not, if I ever meant anything to you at all, at some point, please just block me. That's the last thing I'll ever ask of you. And should you ever doubt my love, this is the proof:

Held

These melodies are yours.

click above

20.07.05 She is my heart. She is my soul. She is my everything and more. And I'll wait for her.

23.07.05 I don't understand what's going on lately. I'm so tired but I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm miserable half the time. And I'm not missed at all...

24.07.05 I would've loved her forever. She won't even let me love her today.

25.07.05 This void is becoming unbearable. I haven't seen her in 3 weeks. I haven't kissed her in 4 weeks. The worst part is that she doesn't seem to miss me at all. In any way. My kiss. My touch. I would literally walk a thousand miles just to be able to look at her. But it's all meaningless to her. I don't know if she simply doesn't care or if she doesn't want to. Or what. If I don't see her or feel like there's something left worth holding onto by next week, I don't think I have a choice but to keep her out of my life. I'm haunted by her. This is my purgatory. No. This is my hell.

21.08.05 This is falling apart...

I'm not about to pretend I don't love her. I do. She knows that I do. She says we're not a couple and I know this much. The thing I don't know is why not. It doesn't really make much sense. We love each other. No matter how much she wants to pretend that we're just friends, we both know better. We're more than friends and less than "a couple". We're in the middle somewhere and it's frustrating. I don't want to go backwards. Sometimes, when we're alone together, and we just look at each other, without saying anything, it feels like there's something still there. Something left worth fighting for. I don't know. Maybe that's just wishful thinking, but it honestly doesn't feel like it. But I guess one can convince themself of anything. I go back and forth between thinking there's a part of her that still loves me and thinking she doesn't give a shit about me at all. It's nothing but conflicting emotions and shit. It sometimes feels like things are always different when there's someone else in the picture. Not that there is. But someone else is interested in her, so maybe she feels like she can do better than me. I don't know. Maybe she can. I have all the love in the world for her, but it's not enough. I wish it was. But I'm deadset on changing my life and everything in it. I'm just sick of so much of it. I need a change and I'm willing to go to extremes to make things right. I want her to love me back without doubts or fears or insecurities or whatever bullshit has kept us apart. I know that there's a part of her that loves me, that it's more than just amazing sex and limited common interests. There's a connection I feel with her that is very significant and I'm not yet prepared to leave it at that. My world makes much more sense when we're together, when I'm holding her, kissing her, making love to her, just being near her. Our souls connect. Yeah, I know. Big dramatics. I sent her this huge email a couple weeks ago, and I was convinced I'd never talk to her or see her again. I was convinced I'd stay away. But I haven't been able to. Things are just so complicated and stressful. One day she's telling me how she misses me and wants to be with me. A couple days later she's barely interested in getting together. I'm not mad, but it's just depressing when someone you think about so much basically forgets you exist for hours of their day. I'd be happy if she thought about me a quarter as much as I think about her. I wanted to see her so bad last night. But she'd rather go hang out with some guy she barely knows for 4 hours, a guy she claims to have zero romantic interest in. It just hurts that I pretty much canceled/avoided plans with two different friends on the possibility of seeing her, and I was once again "ditched". I know. It's my own fault. But I just wish she'd miss me as consistently as I miss her. If I'm gone, would she even notice?

22.08.05 I was cleaning out some folders on my computer when I came across a conversation I had with her that I saved. I don't normally save any conversations I have with anybody, but for some reason, I saved this one. It's pretty interesting (and to be honest, it gets pretty hot). It seems like, with the way things get, hold and cold, and seemingly ice cold lately (with the exception of a couple nights scattered about), this conversation happened several months ago. Like early this year or something. But in reality, it was just at the start of June. We still felt something then and I think we do now. I'm not trying to hide it (nor am I interested in forcing it). I accept it for what it is. I think we have great potential, but she doesn't see it or doesn't want to. I think she wants to pretend that there's nothing left there. That there hasn't been for almost a year. But it's a lie. And we both know it. This conversation we had proves so. I don't know. I like reading things we've said and how we once felt. And I do believe there is a part of both of us that still feels it. I'm just more open and honest about it. Whatever. I'm putting it up so that maybe she'll read it, but I'm keeping it hidden so that nobody else can. If she wants to read it, she can have the link.

23.08.05 Why won't she say she misses me or will miss me? Why won't she tell me she loves me? Does she? Will she? It seems like some days she'll tell me how she feels (I believe this to be the truth) and other days she'll pretend that this whole thing is so casual, eventhough we both know better. I don't know. I just don't understand how she can be so loving and caring one day, and apathetic and unaffected the next. I'm seriously thinking that this is more than just an attempt to hide feelings. Maybe it's the real her. Maybe she's gone postal. I don't know anymore. Who is the crazy one today? Is it me? Am I paranoid? Maybe. Maybe not. I just want to hold her, kiss her, make love to her. And I want her to admit that there is a part of her that feels the same. At some point though, I'll just have to accept that she doesn't know what she wants, or worse yet, she simply does not want me. In any way. I just miss her so much and it's painful beyond words to think she doesn't miss me. I don't know if that's the truth though. Which, in a way, makes this harder.

26.08.05 Truthfully, I'm nowhere near over her. I'd spend the rest of my life with her if she'd only let me...

31.08.05 Perhaps if I say it enough, and with the proper amount of conviction, I'll convince her and everyone else that I am over her. Over us. Over it. I'm sick of how she treats me. Like I'm even less than a friend. And I'm sick of her need to constantly remind me that we are nothing more than friends. That what we did a couple weeks ago meant nothing. I want things to go back to the way they were in earlier June. Or hell, to how they were a couple weeks ago even. When she IM'd me and said, "I want to be with you tonight" and I made sure that that happened. It's like one day she has no interest in me and wants me to get over her. The next she acts hurt or mad because she thinks that I am. I don't even know anymore what she really wants. This isn't just about the sex and I need her to fucking realize this. It's more than that. I'd give that up indefinitely (which might be the case?) just to connect with her again on a deeper level. To where we both wanted to be around each other more than anything and anyone else. I don't want to get over her. I don't want to do what I'm doing. It won't hurt her, but it will hurt someone. I don't know. I just want her. Nothing else. And truthfully, until that happens, I'll never be okay with things between us. No matter how much I pretend. No matter how much she does. I still see things in her eyes when we're together. But we've become constantly influenced by outside forces and bullshit justifications. We were in love. We should be. It is what makes the most sense. And everything I wrote in that letter to her holds true. She probably deleted it. She probably just wants to be wanted. I can understand that. But I want her in a way that goes beyond the normal. Maybe convincing her and everyone else that I'm not in love with her is not the solution. Maybe trying to convince myself isn't either.

01.09.05 This is the last journal entry I intend to write for a long time. Months, at least. And it's for her. If she should decide that we are at all worth saving, she can reach me only by my email. I will keep her off my buddy list and try to move on. I don't want to. I want to be with her and there's no denying that. Being around her for an hour felt like a minute, yet I wanted to kiss her so badly the entire time. I pretty much went there just to see her. I miss her kiss more than anything in the world. Although she probably has deleted the email I sent her, I hope that she reads it again. Everything I'm feeling and have felt for the past few weeks in contained in the words I wrote to her. It's why I'm doing this. It's why I have to. I love her. I will always love her. I don't know if and when I'll get to a place where I'm over her and no longer want these things that I so badly want. She is everything to me right now. So I'm giving up everything. I hope she feels differently soon. I hope she changes her mind and decides we're worth fighting for, that we both feel something real whenever we're around one another and that it's something we should both have. When we kiss it is everything right with the world. I hope she can remember how she once felt that way. I hope she can remember how I once made her so happy just by holding her, how she was content just knowing I loved her. I want to hold her again. I want to kiss her again. I want the fucking world to be perfect and only she can fix it. So I'll sit here and do my own thing, fix my own life. And I'll wait for her.

I'll wait for you...

04.09.05 So I guess she'll pretend she didn't say the things she said. She'll pretend she doesn't feel the same things she accused me of not feeling. And she'll break my heart all over again. This is getting ridiculous. I just want us back. Sometimes it feels like we both want that.

05.09.05 Exactly. She goes from one extreme to another. Once again back to apathy and casual, and I'm supposed to trust anything she says? Right. I don't want to play these stupid fucking games. That's all they are. She says she still feels exactly the same, but now it's like she's pretending she never meant or even said those things she said. And she just attacks my character again, with accusations about the nature of my antisocial behavior. Completely unprovoked, I might add. As if I'm at fault for having something resembling a social life, however minimal it is. Like I can't possibly miss her if I'm spending time with my friends. Whatever. I don't need to prove anything to her anymore. If she can't decide whether or not she wants me to move on, I guess I'm deciding for myself. I just wanted to hold her in my arms, nothing between us but emotion. Bleh. I'm just sick of feeling like this. Confused and frustrated. Is she fucking with me? Is she leading me on? What does she want and why won't she just be honest and tell me? Why can't she see there's no point in pretending anymore? There never was. There isn't anything that would threaten how I feel about her and what I want from her. And the only thing keeping us apart is her. Eventually, I will stop waiting. Eventually, I'll move on. I just hope she realizes what we'd be losing.

14.09.05 If this relationship isn't defined by Monday, I'm moving on. I'm sick of this complete lack of security and stability. I'll fall in love with someone else...

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