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12.06.03 i don't want to be me anymore. this existence that i have been fucking shoved into is not rewarding in the least. i have put up with so much pain and unflinching hurt for far too fucking long. now i've gone and lost the only thing that kept me alive through so much of it. i fell in love with a girl and she abandoned me for something that, in all probability, could be better. i sell myself short cuz i don't know what it is about me that turns everyone off or away. i don't get why everybody always goes away. even when i think that's what i want or need. i don't know. i haven't felt this fucking alone in so long. if ever. it's more than loneliness and the lingering fucking bruises of depression. this is real life i'm living and it's not my own anymore. i have lost faith in people again. i have lost the will to fucking sift through the shit and find something worth fucking holding onto, be it a moment, a song, a kiss, anything. i have lost the fucking will to just be content with "being". i want to run away from myself, but i know that i can't, so i'm rather content to just run away from home, whatever that means when you're fucking 23. i need a new place to be, a new home for my fucking heart to rest. but i don't believe at all that i'll find it. part of it is cuz of who i am. part of it is cuz of how i am. i'm a fuck-up and i know it. i've pushed so many people away, but i love everyone so much and all i ever understood was hurt. i want to turn back time and fix everything. mostly, right now, i want my fucking heart back, my air, my reason for wanting to escape this disgustingly frustrating comfort hole. lots of shit is my own fault, and i know it. but i know i'm not totally to blame. and i wish i could find a way to fucking improve my situation. i don't even know what to do anymore. all i can think about is how i lost something so fucking close to me and it feels like i've been pushing it away for so long because i didn't know how to deal with the thought of losing it. if that makes any sense. i stopped believing in soul mates in the obvious sense so long ago, but i always have and always will believe in connections. i thought i had found one worth keeping. she thought differently. i've been an asshole. i've taken happiness for granted. i don't know why. i mean, i'm sure i have my reasons. but it's more than it seems. i want to tell everyone i love that i love them individually, but i haven't the strength or the words or the fucking courage to do it. i am, in all fairness, the biggest fucking coward to exist within the realm of this bullshit circus. i want my friends to love me and not think me the loser i probably come off as. i want my love to remember the things we meant to each other and find it in her heart to remember that nobody is perfect and dear God if i didn't think we should've been. i think i even fucking said it in a song i wrote for her. i meant it. i would always have meant it. i lost the ability to be a big fucking sentimental dork awhile ago, and i'm sorry if that's part of what she needed or wanted. i got burned by so many people, and it's unfair that it should shape who i am or was or whatever. but that's how it went. i knew better than to even get involved. but she says we weren't right for each other. i don't buy that at all. we wouldn't have fucking fought to stay and be together for this long if there wasn't something there that was right. i'm spilling out my fucking soul and guts here like i've never even fucking attempted to do before. becuz i know what i want. becuz i know that i love her more than anything in this shit world. i don't believe she's moved on. i know i haven't. all i can say is i know that if there is such a thing as the one, she is mine more than i had even believed there could be. i just want to be her one again. i just want to stop feeling this way. i wish i had words enough to make her see and understand, but i don't. i can barely even fucking write without feeling the need to stab myself in the fucking eye. i have to stop writing now cuz i am empty without her and if that hurts, i'm sorry. it has to be this way. i have to transcend you all. not becuz i'm better or more deserving of relief. just becuz i am the coward i told you i was. i'm so fucking sorry that i don't have the strength to tell you all how much i love you. i'm so fucking sorry that i've become the cliche i knew i would. i wish i had the heart to fight, but she took it with her when she left.
14.06.03 Love is more than a scam. It's a neverending will. I need something more productive to do than pine. Writing songs will just lead to internalizing. Hmm...
15.06.03 Being close to her, wanting so bad to kiss her, feeling her lips on my face, her head on my chest, her arms around me... I'm supposed to get over her this way? I don't think so. I need more space than life could hope to grant me. You can't get rid of the memories. If I knew how to get her back, I would. At this point, I can't even earn my way back into her heart.
16.06.03 I want another chance...
17.06.03 My girlfriend and I broke up. My band broke up. I'm not sure what I have left to stick around for, so I'm shooting for California now. Now I have to find a way.
19.06.03 Okay, so it took her less than a week to get over our relationship and move on. And she expects me to be the same way. Right. Sorry, sweetheart, but I guess our relationship meant more to me than it does to you. I find it hard to believe that I'm not just kept around as an ego boost, based on certain behavior. Or that there are things carelessly being rubbed in my face. I find it harder to believe that she doesn't get that it hurts. I wonder if she even cares about me at all. It doesn't feel like she does. I don't really remembering telling her I was over our relationship, but all I wanted to do was try and salvage a friendship. Now that seems like it might be lost as well. And I'm sorry, but all it means to me, knowing that she's moved on and I'm stuck here, which may be my paranoia speaking, is that I was just a fad, that our relationship never really meant much. I was just filling up a void till something better came along. Why wait over a year to do that though? It doesn't make sense to me. But I'm sorry, if you can move on after only a week of being apart, you were never serious to begin with. How is it not a bunch of lies? The thought that I was played or something just hurts so much, but a part of me thinks just that and it's getting harder and harder to convince myself that it might not be the case. I don't know what to do anymore. It feels like there is a huge part of me lost. And half of me misses us, while the other half of me is busy trying to convince me that she's not to be trusted. This is how I react to these situations, I guess. She's actually under the impression that her friendship with Katy ended cuz of our relationship. I know this to be total bullshit. But she's convinced. She totally ignores things said between the two of them, of which I had nothing to do with. If this is the person she is, do I even want our friendship to continue? I'm just not sure anymore...
23.07.03 Contrary to the most popular of beliefs, I am not crazy. I am just an emotionally fragile being. Part of the problem is I just can't fucking trust anyone anymore. Everyone lets you down. Everyone hurts you, sometimes without even trying. Sometimes cuz they should know better. I just can't fucking deal with it anymore. I grow bored with the complications.
24.07.03 When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore. Hmm. There is no going back. It's full speed ahead. Where we're going we don't need roads....
25.07.03 The shit hath hiteth the fan.
07.08.03 da da da. da da da da.
15.08.03 I am currently a media product specialist at Best Buy. Nuff said. I really need some friends. It's so friggin' boring hanging out with yourself. Eh. |
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