26.04.03 it's been awhile since i've written and a lot has happened. i'm in a new band, for one, although we don't have a name. we have a lot of songs. 2 of theirs, a ton of mine. we're learning new songs every week and it's going pretty good. i'll get into it more later.
there seems to be an update on the whole Justin situation. i really don't feel like getting into it now, but before when i said that i could say whatever without worrying of consequences cuz he wouldn't read it... well, he did. and apparently, what he got out of it was that i was "talking shit" about him. please, look over what it is i said up there. anywhere in that paragraph did i say anything that could be taken as "talking shit" about him? cuz i don't think i did. like at all. i said i was having issues with him, which i was, and still do have. that is not talking shit. that is being honest and open. true, i should have spoken to him about this stuff, but there are a million reasons why i never did. for one, i was extremely hurt by stuff he's done and has been doing literally for years. maybe i'll go into it later. but i just thought it was weird that he would accuse me of talking shit about him, when i actually didn't do anything of the sort. i have, time and time again, given him the benefit of the doubt. i have been a better friend to him than he ever gives me credit for. there are things i want to comment on, but it's kind of personal and i don't want to get him even more pissed at me for sharing what he said to me. i agree with what he said, and it's not bad or anything. but it is ironic that he said it, and now we're not even on speaking terms. what i find extremely hurtful is that this so-called "shit talking" i was doing about him was what he saw in everything i've written in this journal. he just totally ignored everything else i wrote. at the risk of sounding like a total fucking loser, that just makes me feel like total shit. cuz i opened up a lot and talked about shit that is very personal and things that are troubling me. and he doesn't seem to even care. i'm sorry, and i know that i risk alienating him more, as well as everyone else who reads this, but what the fuck is wrong with people? i am screaming at the top of my fucking lungs and all people see is the shit that isn't even there. people are way too fucking self-absorbed, and that's not a direct attack at anyone. it's just true. yes, i'm not perfect. i can be the same way sometimes. but if i read some of the shit i've been saying in someone else's journal, i would be concerned, and try to talk to them. i mean, we all have our own issues, and that would actually probably end up keeping me from being a good friend in most situations. but i fucking try. and i swear to God i never get any fucking credit. like how Mike says everytime he showed up at work, when i was working at the skateshop, i was laying on the couch. uh, right. i'm pretty sure i also did a little thing called work. he wasn't there everyday. and it's just unfair to make that kind of generalization. i mean, he wasn't there when i would open with barely a night's notice cuz Justin had to be somewhere. or when i would work alone, and handle both the skateshop and the post office, eventho the skateshop part wasn't my responsibility, and i would have to handle a shitload of customers by myself, feeling sick beyond words and tired as hell. yes, sometimes being tired was my own fault. but i think it's just bullshit to act like i didn't do shit. i take work very seriously. and i feel bad when i fuck up or can't give it 100% cuz my fucking body is a wreck. i'm doing the best that i can, and i wish to God people actually fucking realized this. i wish to Christ it was just about being lazy. whatever. i'm sick of talking about this. all i do is fucking defend myself. it gets massively exhausting. and it's fucking insulting. your friends are supposed to have faith in you. trust that you know what you're doing or that you're doing the best you can. i'm sorry, but they will never fucking understand. i'm sorry beyond words, but it's starting to tear me apart. in a way, i just want out.
in a way, we are gold...
23.05.03 Happy Birthday to me.