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| 07.09.04 It seems I used to base my days on how long till my next day off from work (work can be that soul-suckingly painful). Now, I've been basing my days on how long till I see her. She's the best thing about being here or anywhere. And when I start counting the days till I get to see her, and suddenly that option is jeopardized, well, it feels like a knife stabbed into my gut or as if someone's jammed their hand down my throat, grabbed my heart, pulled it out, shown it to me and exclaimed, "Well, I guess you won't be needing this anymore, eh?" It's pretty devastating. I want to be her best offer, cuz she is always mine. I'm pretty much in love still. Is this where I want to be? Yeah. Is it good for me? Judging by the situation, I guess not. I don't know. I'd rather love her in small doses now and be crushed in the end than be cut off completely from her. Maybe I'm signing my own death warrant this way, but she's what's good about my life right now and I'd be a fool to just throw that away. In truth, and she knows this, I want it all. I want her in all ways, in every way. Maybe that makes me sad. The endlessly hopelessly devoted fool, addicted to love. The alternative is just too scary. My heart is a weapon. And she's all I've ever really wanted. Just more so now. More so than ever. But telling her this would probably only scare her away, so I guess I'm stuck pretending I'm fine with the way things are now. Mr. BFF with special features. I don't know. She's almost everything I like about my life right now, and it makes little sense without her. As mine. As I think it should be. And everything I hate about my life, she helps me cope with. Just by being there. Like when I hold her, I can forget about how fucked up things in my life are. And when we kiss, it feels like a gift free of spoil or tamper. And when we make love, it's exactly that, with none of the baggage, everything I ever wanted it to be and dreamed it could be. I've told her and I believe it to be true. I'm the most me, the real me, the true me, when I'm with her. We speak of comfort, but I don't think she realizes exactly how comfortable I am around her. It's love. It's real. It's true. If that doesn't make us good or right for each other, I have no idea what would. | |||||||||
| 15.10.04 Well, this site is in need of a major overhaul. Hopefully I'll get some time in the upcoming weeks. I'm also gonna start work on The Hostage Project website. And, ya know, the actual project itself. I'll have to start with a definition of what it is to begin with. People have no clue of the ambitious nature of it and my delusions of grandeur are staggering in their optimism. Yeah, I need sleep. Work in 5 hours. Nighty-night. | |||||||||
| 08.11.04 I'm back on overnights. I started last week. It's nice to get away from customers. Anyway, I don't think I'll be updating my journal for awhile. I'm actually contemplating giving it up completely. Anyone interested in reading this stuff (and you know you shouldn't be) can just check out my livejournal entries, which I'm going to start soon. Don't worry though. I'll be sure to let all you kiddies know if I decide to go that route. Till then, toodles. | |||||||||
| 12.11.04 What if I wasn't so damn curious all the time? What if we were meant to dance like lunatics, shaking our fists at dark clouds, while our spines converge in a controversial gesture of lost innocence or catastrophic momentum, bent and disaster-ridden, angels that sin, demons that save, people all living under one glorious blood-red moon, the entire world a bus stop with a ride that goes nowhere...? What if I told you I don't partake in illegal substances? |
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| 20.11.04 Crying is such a weird thing. It's not cool for guys to cry. I'm not sure why that is. I don't know that I believe it cleanses the soul or any of that garbage. But it does have an important effect on people. Well, on me, it does anyway. Not that I've cried recently or anything. I was just thinking about it. I haven't cried since I was 10. Yeah. I'll say that. Movies don't make me cry though. Get teary-eyed, occasionally. But never full-out cry. Actually, I can't remember when the last time I cried was. Had to be over a year ago. Not that my life hasn't sucked a whole lot recently. I just haven't had time to sit down and have a good cry. Oh no wait. I remember. And I remember why. Girls suck. I'm sick of writing now. Bye. | |||||||||
| 04.12.04 My life is slowly but surely self-destructing. My body is simply falling apart in every way imaginable. I guess there's no other option but to speed up the process. Or something. I'm so sick of feeling sick all the time. I just want relief. | |||||||||
| 18.12.04 I guess it's technically winter now. Oh well. So, yeah, blood loss is supder-duper fun. You know what else is fun? Not having any friends. | |||||||||
| 31.12.04 There is this girl... How is it I can go from being the most miserable person in the world to the happiest simply by holding her in my arms... Or sometimes, just thinking about her? I'm a certified mess. Bleh. Unfortunately, with every passing day, it is disintegrating. It's moving at such a rapid pace now. I hate to say it's over... | |||||||||