Dr.B.M.Khadilkar , Tel. no. 4183117 (8 P.M. to 10 P.M.)

1. Personality skeleton gets formed in first six years of age. The foundation for our nature is laid down during this period. This is highly influenced by the surrounding factors, like parents, neighbours, teachers, etc. Our reaction to a particular stimulus is largely governed by the childhood programming. Our response to different situations is normally the cumulative one of what we learn in childhood as the correct responses from surroundings. Thus our reactions to various situations are given by people around us, & for these offending ones we only are the sufferers. Hence it is necessary that we should modify this foundation so that our responses would be what we really want.

2. Childhood programming is registered in a subconscious (unconscious) mind. Subconscious (unconscious) mind represents a part of the brain which governs nonvoluntary actions like breathing, heart function, respiration, emotional behaviour, may be that of love, hatred, fear, anxiety, anger, concentration, memory and other vital functions. Conscious mind represents a part of brain that governs the voluntary actions, that is whatever we do with complete awareness. By increasing control on our subconscious we can easily control all emotional activities.

3.a. When the will power (function of conscious mind) & the imagination (function of subconscious mind) work against each other Imagination always wins. Imagination is programmed in the subconscious For example fear of ghost, & god, hatred about a particular person or situation belief that ghosts come out in the dark, etc.

b. The results are worse if will power is used against the imagination forcefully. For example if one trusts the concept of ghost it would be impossible to walk through a graveyard at 12 O'clock at night, in spite all the conscious efforts. Your body will develop symptoms to prevent you from acting against your imagination if you make forceful efforts.

c. One succeeds if the will power & imagination are parallel. Better effect is produced if this is accompanied by suitable emotion.

Hence to win over your emotional problems you need to bring about a change in the subconscious mind. This can be better done by using hypnosis though a change can be possible by also doing a few things at conscious level (psychotherapies).

You need not be nervous on emotional mistakes because they really are not your own. It is because of the subconscious planning done by others. Hence by no way you should repent on any such issue, but plan to get rid of the problematic attitude.

• You must recognise your rights & stand by them. If you do not, other people define your role for you & you stop being your self

3. You have a right to make a request to another person as long as you realise that other person has a right to say no.

4. You must realise that there are certain borderline cases in interpersonal relation- ship where the rights aren't clear. But you have right to discuss the problem with the person involved & clarify it.

5. You always have a right to attain your rights.

• Modify the following irrational ideas:

1. It is a dire necessity for an adult human being to be loved or approved by virtually very significant other person in his community,

2. one should be thoroughly competent, adequate and achieving in all possible respects, if one is to consider one self worthwhile,

3. certain people are bad, wicked and villainous and that they should be se- verely blamed and punished for their villainy,

4. it is awful and catastrophic when the things are not the way one would much like them to be,

5. human unhappiness is externally caused and that people have little or no ability to control their sorrows and disturbances,

6. if something is or may be dangerous, or fearsome one should be terribly concerned about it and one should keep on dwelling on the possibility of

its occurrence,

7. one should be dependent on others and need someone stronger than one self on whom one can rely,

8. it is easier to avoid than face certain difficulties and responsibilities of life,

9. one's past history is and an all-important determinant of one's present be havior and that something once strongly affected one’s life, it should in- definitely have a similar effect,

1 1. there is invariably a right, precise and perfect solution to all human prob lems and that it is catastrophic if this perfect solution is not found.

Ask yourself whether a particular situation is really unmanageable? The answer will always be NO.

It costs you nothing to talk positively. Say that the glass is half full rather than saying its half empty. To stop talking negatively in social interactions is the first step to be a happy personality.

To stop talking negatively even to yourself is the second step.

To stop thinking negatively even to yourself is the last step.

Keep good positive incidences ready to be recalled at the time of onset of negative thinking.

Diversity in life is essential, hence must be accepted. No two people can be of the same nature. It is irrational to expect others to always behave as you want. They have a right to act in the way they wish to. Believe in your independence respect others independence too.

• Never run away from the difficulties. You can never solve problems in your life without facing them. A number of problems get solved as you approach them boldly. Also many oft he problems don't require deep thinking or long planning. They can be solved as and when you sense them. You are wrong if you think that you are the only unlucky person to have bad life experiences and that you are helpless. Never enjoy complaining about surrounding situations, about your health problems to everyone you meet. There should not be more than four to five people to whom you should discuss your personal emotional problems.

Try fear nothing. Irrational fear is the sign of weakness.

• Take your own decisions. Confusion in choosing one out of the two may indicate that both the choices are almost equally achievable. Hence choose one and dedicate your sincere efforts to achieve the objective. Failure in this indicates that you have thought of failure more and your attention was more on what you have not decided rather than on what you have decided to do. Learn to take risks. The meaning of the word ' risk' is some undesirable thing which is much less probable to happen. Don't change your decisions unless extremely essential.

• For understanding social communication the following visual representation given by Dr. Arnold Lazarus is extremely helpful.

C

B

A

FIG. 1

Figure 1 states different levels of communication. At E level the communication is superficial, like "It is too hot today OR My name is ---------- what’s your good name?" At level A, the communication represents a close relationship. From A to E the communication becomes more and more formal. Communication at all the levels is necessary for becoming a healthy personality.

• There are three main ways of reacting.

1. Passive behaviour: Giving up your rights and honest feelings, for any given situation, feeling helpless, anxious, resentful disappointed with yourself, trying to please others, feeling of being manipulated and pushed around all the times. You avoid action, prefer to run away from problems, your self-esteem is seriously affected.

2. Aggressive behaviour i.e.: You feel angry, frustrated, dominating, forcing others to lose, urge to show strength, feel tensed and you may win at the cost of your and other's happiness.

3. Assertive behaviour: Standing up for your personal rights, expressing your thoughts, feeling in direct, firm but gentle way, without violating rights of other's. After the act you feel better and your self-esteem goes up.

• Never give casual excuses for not doing or for not being able to do something properly. If you do so you may learn to be liar, and will always tend to run away from the work as you are internally sure that your excuse is going to be accepted. This is wrong interpretation. People quickly can understand your bluffing but do not show if they are not affected. You feel you have win but actually you have lost. You do not understand the damage occurred to your image. By offering excuses you destroy your own integrity day by day. You normally learn this when it is too late. Some hints to save your self from this- 1. If you are dependent give clear and honest account of the money spent by you even if not asked and even if the relationship is close (parents, cousins, uncles, etc.) 2. Be specific. You tend to elaborate if you feel guilty. 3. Admit your mistakes readily. 4. Never criticise or blame others for your wrong doing. 5. Accept constructive criticism thankfully and ask for suggestions.

• Fix up your own goals. Goal should have following criteria: 1. personal, 2. practical (realistic) , 3. positive, 4. time bound 5. flexible-.

The most general goal for everybody must be TO BE HAPPY. Other goals may be general and specific. For example: General goal may be to pass successfully C.A., B.E., M.B.B.S., B.Chem.Engg., etc. examination. For this you have to study appropriately. Thus general sub goals can be: to improve concentration, to increase the concentration span, to learn study techniques, to learn to relax, not to get involved in emotional confrontations with parents, teachers, friends, etc., as it deviates you from your own goals, take appropriate rest, listen and respect your body, etc. Specific sub goals can be: to get the study material in stipulated time, to attend the required lectures attentively, planning the priorities in studying different subjects, time bound but realistic planning of what to study, evaluation of your understanding, revising timely and regularly, etc. Each of this may have further sub-goals. Write the goals, general to specific in a tree form and asses regularly. Revise your goal tree after predetermined time intervals and visualise it with your eyes closed. If found unrealistic, modify. Writing all this is extremely essential. You may find this a bit difficult initially but soon you will master the technique, which will work miracles for you. List all your goals according to the priorities. Be realistic in setting more number of goals.

Maintain ‘to do' list and ‘not to do' list too. Every day make a list of five important things to do tomorrow. Plan the nastiest job first. Finish it and then only take up the next one. Time management is today's need. Keep some time for exercise (20 mins. ), for your hobbies, relaxation , recreation, rest everyday. All this will improve your performance and will make you not only successful but also happy.

The choice is yours, whether you allow time to manage or you manage the time.

• Be assertive - Gentle, soft, firm.
• Be free, respect other’s freedom.
• Learn to forgive.
• Live happily and let live happily.
• Success is doing what you feel you can, and not doing what others can.
• Smile is the most beautiful and precious gift, preserve it.
• Happiness is not absence of problem but ability to tackle them.
• Happiness is not in getting more but is in learning enjoying less.

Beware of your definitions of "very good’ and ‘very bad’.

Redefine them if found faulty.

Close relationship does not mean Rosy relationship every moment of the life. There are Ups & Downs in "close Relationship" too. There is nothing like permanent well defined Close Relationship. It does not exist. Understand this fact. Expectations are most often are the source of your sorrow, whether self or otherwise. Learn not to expect. Understand the difference between DESIRE and expectation. DESIRE can be legitimate but expectations are rigidly defined desires and associate with them catastrophisation is desire is not met.