By TKG
Oh yes inevitably whatever I'm doing something happens while anyone can say it's occurred to them once or twice it seems to happen to me twice as much. this misadventure I'm taking about is surely fodder for any blooper reel you can imagine. Except now it involved my preferred past time, paintball. So sit tight and try and envision the insanity that believe or not occurs more often then I care to admit.
Another day another routine run up to The Sports Authority to get tanks filled, I'd just got a new 3.5 ounce tank from Wevo.com and of course since they don�t ship them filled due to safety concerns the little thing had to be filled. For those of you who've never seen a 3.5 ounce tank it's about a third as tall as a standard aluminum 9 ounce and similarly wide, cute little thing. So of course being the guy with the wheels at the time I drove up to sports authority now that we'd located one with a working refill station and there I was in the service section with two 9 oz tanks and the 3.5 oz of doom and mystery. Of course upon arrival I was surprised to find that someone else was waiting for the refill guy to arrive as it turned out refill guy wouldn't arrive/be on duty for another half hour which was probably better off as the traffic was sucking major brass eagle balls. But anyway I got with the waiting... As it turned out the lady in line in front of me was a baby sitter I guess as the kid she was watching walks up and begins talking to her.... Now as you all probably know when in a line and when you know it'll be a long wait folks start talking. The kid, and I say that with no disrespect, had to be in his early teens and looked about as thin as an anti-siphon tube but that�s another commentary. Inevitably he sees the tanks sticking out of the front pocket of my hoodie and asks the first question.
"Hey that�s a lot of tanks isn't it?"
"Yup, two 9's one 3 and a half they aren�t just for me one of the 9's is my co workers."
"Oh.. I use a trilogy sport what do you use?"
"Vertical stock class Phantom."
The kid looked at me and his eyes kind of glassed over...he had no clue what the hell a phantom was, and was clueless as to what the vertical stock class bit meant either, can't blame him hell I wasn't really aware of what a phantom was until Star 69 got me to go to castle Conquest XX which is what got me into the current mess anyway. Either way I never got the chance to explain as a distraction came my way. yes a distraction, and no a beer truck did not crash into the front of the store. actually the distraction was a guy walking past with a yamica on, for those of you who don�t know, that�s the Jewish hat that sort of looks like a half bra minus the straps. It wasn't so much the dude walking by but the fact the yamica was very brightly rainbow colored, which had both me the kid and his baby sitter watching the dude, who mind you was built like a walking refrigerator as he lumbered slowly by followed by two other guys,; also Jewish, with a similar build. things got more interesting as we watched this group of guys looking at the paintball aisle. now before any of you ask wether or not the headgear comes off while playing paintball I have no idea maybe they made an attachment so the mask sort of attaches to the yamica. Between watching the three guys looking through the aisle and wondering about yamica-mask rigging, I managed to overhear their conversation as one of the three had brought a shopping cart.
"Hey Mishi, look we could get a better deal on these ones here!"
"What well wait what�s the price?"
"It says twenty five."
"Yeah these are twenty six."
"Well then we'll get those then"
Of course my eyebrow goes right up because one has to wonder just what kind of paintballs they're buying to be worrying about a dollar savings, and then I see the cart, it's full of the brass eagle paintball brand known as 'Monster Balls'. Yes they bought a cart full of "Shit it burst in the gun!" literally these guys walked out with four cases of paintballs, and then I see the kicker, rainbow-hat guy has a Tippmann 98 basic in hand. Some times the ironies of things are too funny not to laugh at so inevitably as soon as the 'half-bra squad' is out of sight I begin to crack up the kid starts laughing to because hell it's funny, who the heck debates like that to save four dollars then buys the most outdated Tippmann available? I don�t get it even now but the story doesn't end there. Finally the guy on duty at the refill station arrives and the first thing in mind is "here I come to fill your tanks!!!" sounding all dramatic-like. So the kid gets his tanks filled and it's my turn so I whip out the two 9 ounce tanks and the 3.5, the guy behind the desk gets the 9ths with no problem then he sees the little 3.5 and the look crosses his face. Let me clarify one thing, for anyone who's had to bring in something to get it fixed be it computer, car, marker, computerized marker mounted on a car, they know that look, it's typically a furrowing of the brow and a look of either 'what the fuck did you do here?!" or "what the hell is this shit?" well he gave me look number two. so the resulting conversation was interesting.
"Uh what... size is this?"
"It's a 3.5 ounce, it's for my phantom"
"They actually make 'em like this?"
"Uh huh, bought this one from Wevo.com ."
"You cant get many shots out of this..."
At this point he had the tank hooked up and began putting Co2 in it.
"Well it's my first time filling it, it's new I got a little tired of changing out 12 grams all the time."
"Yeah I can see that... but still why not get a 12 or a 20 for it? we've got some good ones in the case..."
"What for so I have a larger gun profile, the goal is to not get shot man."
By this point the guy had finished filling it and brought the little tank over and put it on the counter top, and another employee walked up and saw the small tank, I kind of groaned knowing what was going to be said.
"Hey uh...the hell kind of tank is that?"
"it's a 3.5 mini tank..."
The other employee looked at me like I was crazy and handed the guy behind the counter some folders full of papers and I made an speedy exit to the front counter to pay for the refills. needless to say ...the lady at the front counter even had a comment.
"Awww it's cute!"
You know maybe if I put a bonnet on it and some bows and walked the little 3.5 around in a stroller...nah...I'm far to lazy for that...well and the money for that could be better spent on getting even more drunk at conquest 21.
by TKG
You'd think stuff like this would happen to other people right? of course not! only me! It started out ok I went to Dick's Sporting goods to get a refill on my 9oz and 3.5oz, nothing too special but when I got to the counter in back, I had to wait a while with my two tanks on the glass counter. While I was there I had the chance to see some other paintball players coming in of course these guys were toting 20oz tanks with the ridiculous looking covers on 'em even thought hey were standard Co2. But that was the half of it, it's a funny thing because as always Paintball players at the refill counter spend the time sizing each other up as if it's American gladiators and there�s some need to have a competitive brick up their ass. Never under stood that urge but maybe that�s why I play recreational not competitive. Anyway, the counter-jockey finally arrives and looks at me and the first words out of his mouth are 'Refill?' as if my two tanks on the counter were not sign enough for my being there. I casually replied 'Yep two tanks' and he picked up both...then stopped to examine the 3.5oz real close as if it had five nozzles two pin valves and a picture of a porn star sucking off a iguana on it or something and then looked at me like I was crazy. the short and stupid conversation that resulted sort of went like this though with I kept envisioning a scene from 'the Family Guy where they crack on Reagan, ("Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.....REAGAN SMASH!" yeah...some of you will get that.)
"What size is this?"
"Three and a half ounces, it's a new tank."
"for what?"
"My phantom, it's more efficient then changing 12grams all the time."
"Uh ok."
So I'm leaning against the counter waiting for the easily confused counter-monkey to get back with my tank.. and I overhear the following conversation from the room where they have the filling station.
"What is that?"
"It's a 3.5 ounce tank"
"Shit they make 'em that small?"
"seems so the guy in the leather jacket brought it in"
"Yeah but it's so small how does he get the job done with that?"
"I dunno maybe we could get him to buy a 20"
"Must be new to be using something like that..."
Now normally a super-sarcastic remark woulda been applied here but it dawned on me first... I was in DICK'S sporting goods, and I had to work double time not to bust out laughing at the stupid irony. So up against the counter was I, faking a coughing fit, and you know I think the pro-guys with the 20ounce tanks got the sick humor to because One of 'em ducked down an aisle and I coulda sworn I heard a few chuckles, while the other guy was fighting hard to keep a straight face. Of course the coupe de grace came when the case-geek came back and handed me the two tanks not straight up or in a bag but in cardboard cartons designed plainly for 20 oz tanks with the price of the refill written on the tops via stickers. So still fighting the urge to bust out laughing I took my oversized boxes and walked up to the counter laughing the whole way and looking like a lunatic.
Moral of the story kids? Drink your school Go to drugs and Don�t do milk!