Autopants

I thought that I would take a chance
On a wet weekend in the west of France
So carefully packing my breast implants
I bought a ticket for Autopants

I cadged a drink from two Richard E. Grants
Saw Shakin' Stevens do St Vitus's Dance
And threw up on a novel by Judith Krantz
When I travelled with Autopants

I went to a bar when I got to Nantes
Bumped and ground with Holly Valance
Gave her a spin of my whirlwind romance
I'm glad I was wearing Autopants

Lying down by some rubber tree plants
I looked askance at some insects prance
Whoops! Those devious little ants
Tried to escape with the Autopants

The French Minister of Finance
By dint of a post-hypnotic trance
Said "Ooh la la" to a cash advance
In return for a bite of my Autopants

I returned home to adoring chants
From my diphtheria-riddled maiden aunts
With a lance I performed some skin transplants
And patched them up with Autopants

To enhance the pants I took a stance
And I trekked across the Russian Expanse
To gaze upon a man with a piercing glance
In a sleepy little town named Autopants.