Buffybot Behind Bars
PAIRING: None
RATING: PG-13
FEEDBACK: Very welcome, to [email protected]
BETA: Miss Murchison - thanks!
SETTING: The summer before the start of season 6. Buffy is gone, Buffybot is doing her best to fill the gap.
DISCLAIMER: The only characters who belong to me are the ones you’ve never heard of before. Otherwise, I’m borrowing, and I promise to put them all back in good condition, and only slightly used...
Chapter 4: Bad News and Good News and Bad News
Willow heard the car draw up outside, and hurried out nervously. Giles was on his way, and Spike was upstairs getting slime all over the bathroom. She was going to have break the news.
“Hey guys!” she brightly, “not too tired I hope?”
Xander clambered stiffly out of the car and groaned as he stretched his back. “Man, I am beat! And there’s something weird about the driver’s seat - my back is killing me.” He turned and looked behind him accusingly, “of course if someone had been able to read a map, we might have been back an hour ago.”
Anya stepped out of the other side of the car. “Yes, well, if someone had told their beautiful but long suffering girlfriend that someone’s new car had suspension like their granny’s old bedstead, someone,” she glared at Xander, “that someone meaning me, would never have condemned herself to eight hours in the damn thing.”
“I just got new shock absorbers,” said Xander, “As I told you, about a million times...”
Anya snorted.
“So!” said Willow brightly “You’re a little bit cramped, but nothing coffee and a doughnut won’t cure, huh? I have doughnuts... hey, is Tara ok?” Willow peered at the car, concerned.
“She’s probably still asleep,” said Anya, “she’s been asleep for hours. It’s really very aggravating for someone to just lie there with their eyes shut when you’re talking to them...”
“Yeah, but oh so tempting, when it’s you doing the talking,” said Xander. He set off up the drive, his hand pressed to the small of his back.
Anya swelled with anger. “Just what exactly is that supposed to mean? Are you calling me boring?” She brushed past Willow and pursued Xander towards the house. “I am polished, and cultured, and droll - I have entertained princes, even whilst torturing them pitilessly.” Anya grabbed Xander’s arm and turned him to face her. “I have sophisticated conversation coming out of my ass!”
The car sat on the driveway, the engine ticking as it cooled.
“Tara?” said Willow doubtfully, “Are you in there?”
There was a groan from the car. Willow rushed to the door, and flung it open. “Sweetie! Are you ok?” The inside light snapped on, revealing Tara hunched pitifully on the back seat. She managed a wan smile for Willow.
“Hey there, Sweetie, back at ya. I’m ok - or at least it’s nothing a long hot bath, or possibly a visit to the chiropractor, can’t fix.” She swung her legs painfully out of the car. “But remind me never, ever to take a road trip with the Bickerson twins again. I’ve been pretending to be asleep for the last four hours, and they were still trying to drag me into their dreary argument. Anya is relentless - which fits her old job description, I guess. I’m not a violent woman, but there were times...”
“Poor baby,” soothed Willow. She reached out and took Tara’s hand.
“Ow!” said Tara as she straightened her back.
“Oh honey, I’ll give you a backrub,” said Willow.
Tara smiled at her. “Sounds good - now lead me to that bath!” She started to hobble painfully up the drive.
“Ah,” said Willow, hovering nervously, “that may be a problem. Spike’s up there at the moment...”
Tara sighed, “Oh well, the sofa then - I need to lie down.”
“The sofa’s a bit slimy,” said Willow. “Um, and Buffybot’s-missing-and-I-think-she may-have-been-eaten-by-demons.”
Tara stopped dead, just as Giles’ car careened around the corner and mounted the curb. Xander and Anya turned around, distracted from their argument for a moment.
“Ok,” said Willow, “let me explain...”
............
Buffybot stepped up to the payphone and dropped in a dime and a quarter. Willow had always insisted that she carry some change in her pocket, so she could call home if necessary. How smart Willow was!
Buffybot dialled the number, full of excitement - her first phone call!
The atmosphere at the Summers house was tense. The Scoobies were collapsed exhausted in the living room, sipping coffee. Giles meanwhile was touring the neighbourhood in his car, while Spike hung around resentfully dressed in a white fluffy bathrobe, waiting for his washing to finish its cycle. The phone rang, and Willow and jumped up to answer it.
“Hello?”
“Hello, Willow? It’s me, Bottie. I’m making a phone call and it’s really easy!”
There was a gasp on the other end of the line.
“Bottie? Where are you? What’s happened? Are you all right?” Willow grasped the phone tightly, as the other Scoobies gathered around her.
Buffybot smiled, Willow was always so sweet! “I’m absolutely tip top A1, Willow - no scratches or glitches.”
Willow gave her fellow Scoobies a delighted thumbs up, then turned to the phone again.
“Where are you? You were due back an hour ago - and Spike said - we were so worried...”
“I’ve been arrested,” said Buffybot brightly, “for assault on a peace officer, with my totally cool sword. Only I didn’t assault one - a peace officer I mean. If I had assaulted him he’d be dead.” Buffybot laughed heartily.
“You’ve BEEN ARRESTED?” shouted Willow. Her fellow Scoobies tensed.
“Yes - but it’s ok - they’ve been super-nice and everything. Although...” Buffybot looked around surreptitiously at Sid, who was slumped shapelessly against the wall of the crowded charge room. She lowered her voice. “They’ve taken away my sword. They say they’ll look after it, but I’d be happier if I had it with me in the cell.”
“No!” shouted Willow, then looked up apologetically at the concerned faces of her fellow Scoobies. She coughed. “That is, don’t worry about the sword. I’m sure it’s best to have it locked away somewhere safe.”
“It would be locked away somewhere safe in the cell with me,” said Buffybot, “I’m going to be locked away somewhere safe myself - Sid said so!”
Willow sighed, she knew she should ask who Sid was, but.... “Well,” she said weakly, “it sounds like you’re doing ok. Look Bottie, hang on in there, and we’ll work out how to get you out. Meanwhile try,” Willow hesitated, “...try to act as human as possible. It’s vital that no-one realises you’re a robot. ”
“I do act human! said Buffybot. “I fight, and I slay!”
“There’s a lot you don’t do,” said Willow, “eating, sleeping, going to the bathroom. You’ll have to pretend - beep, beep, beep - oh the phone’s - don’t worry Bottie, I’ll get you out, only maybe not tonight - hang in there...”
The phone cut off and Buffybot looked at it doubtfully. Was it broken? she held it to her ear again and then pressed a few buttons. Nothing happened. Just for a moment Buffybot felt a little sad and lost. One moment Willow was there talking to her on the phone and then she was gone again.... crunch! She looked down at her hand. The phone receiver was dangling in two pieces, and she held a few shards of broken plastic in her palm. Oh dear, she’d squeezed too hard.
She looked up at Sid guiltily. “Um, Sid, I think your phone’s broken - it felt apart in my hand!”
Chapter 5: The Scoobies Attempt to Make Bail
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