Buffybot's Birthday Adventure
RATING: PG-13 for sex.
FEEDBACK: Yes, please, to [email protected]
PAIRINGS: None.
DISTRIBUTION: Ask me first - but I'm going to say yes.
PROPS: Miss Murchison and Chartophile for the beta. Thanks!
SPOILERS: None. This is set pre-season 6.
DISCLAIMER: These characters are not mine, but I’m just poking fun.
Chapter 7 - Even More Fun
"Where the hell did they go?" cried Anya, stamping the jungle floor, staring vainly into the canopy around her. "We nearly had them this time."
Xander-dog ran around in circles, his nose in the air, ears flapping. "They're still here, somewhere," he cried, "I can smell them!"
They had been on the run for some hours, following their prey deeper and deeper into the forest; losing sight of them for long periods - and then catching a glimpse of a white masked face here, or the whiff of a passing simian there, and setting off on their mad chase again.
Twilight had fallen as they ran, and now night time proper was beginning to settle upon the forest. They had come to a sort of clearing, where the canopy thinned sufficiently to allow some moonlight to penetrate. Moonbeams filtered down to them through small gaps in the canopy above, casting little silver spotlights on the forest floor, so that it looked like some fanciful stage setting for A Midsummer Night's Dream. But both Anya and Xander-dog were oblivious to the view. They wanted blood. Monkey blood. Xander-dog raised his nose to the faint breeze, and gave a puzzled whiffle. He smelled .... people! And not just any people, it was...
"Hi guys," said Tara, stepping out from behind a large tree, and into a shaft of moonlight. A little nimbus of light settled around her blonde hair.
"Hi!" cried Buffybot, stepping out behind her. "We've been here ages!" She bounced happily on her toes. Tara had said Anya and Xander would come here - and they had! It was like magic. In fact it probably was magic, come to think of it.
"I got you guys a drink of water," she continued, "because I bet all that chasing has made you thirsty." She stepped up to Anya and held out a beaker, cunningly fashioned from a stalk of bamboo, and with a big 'A' carved into it, then bent down and placed a large palm leaf neatly woven into a bowl in front of Xander-dog.
"We are not thirsty," said Anya, ignoring the loud lapping sounds coming from Xander-dog, who had his head in his new water bowl, "we are too busy hunting the monkeys. And we damn nearly had them as well!" She stared into the canopy, frustrated.
"They're really great!" said Buffybot enthusiastically. "Much cleverer than our monkeys. They have really cool tree houses. And when they eat bananas they stick beetles in them for extra roughage, which is very sensible."
Tara closed her eyes briefly, remembering the hospitable banana she'd been handed earlier.
"Yes, their cuisine is very healthy, and... interesting," she said faintly. She turned away from the clearing and peered into the gloom. "Won't you come out and talk to us again? I'm sure Anya and Xander-dog would like to meet you."
There was a faint hissing sound, as though a lot of people were whispering under their breaths, all at once.
"Won't you come out?" said Tara again, "We won't hurt you."
"She would." A simian head appeared from the canopy, dangling upside down, and an uncannily long stick-like finger extended from the fringe of the forest to point at Anya.
Buffybot turned to look in the direction of the pointing finger.
Anya had dropped the bamboo mug that Buffybot had crafted with such care, and was swinging her tall spear in her hand. Her midriff was exposed below her torn and ragged shirt, and a sweaty headband held back her mud and pond-scum stiffened hair, exposing the dried blue streaks of indigo pulp on her cheeks and forehead. Her chest rose and fell from the exertions of the chase, and her breath came loudly through her nostrils. Her eyes weren't actually glowing red, but she gave the impression that they might at any time. In short, she looked like some terrifying ancient warrior, daubed in war paint and ready for the kill.
Buffybot gave a little 'ooh!' under her breath. She bet the little people hiding in the trees were scared all right!
"The tree dwellers are very timid; only their great curiosity at your arrival led them to show themselves to you at all." The voice came from across the clearing, ringing loud and clear into the darkness.
Buffybot swung round again. Ooh! Somebody had very, very quiet feet. Even her super keen ears hadn't heard a single rustle.
Standing in the middle of the clearing was a Sorcerer. Buffybot could tell he was a Sorcerer, because he had a wand in his hand, with starlight trickling from the end. Apart from the wand, he was a thing of darkness and shadow. The little silver spotlights picked about his feet, but none fell directly upon him. He was tall, clad in robes of deepest purple and his head was swaddled in a heavy dark burnoose that shadowed his face. Within the shadow there was the suggestion of a hawkish nose, and a square chin, and - Buffybot oohed again - his eyes really did glow red. She wriggled happily. This was turning into the perfect birthday party. Games, adventures, a banana-themed picnic, and now a magician!
"Ummm, hello sir" said Tara shyly. "I'm very glad you found us." She stepped forward, holding out an uncertain hand.
Anya thrust her aside impatiently, and levelled her spear at the new arrival. "And just who are you? Ali Baba?”
The Sorcerer bowed. "Greetings, Ancient One," he intoned. "I fear I do not know this Ali Baba of whom you speak. My name is El Bombero. I am delighted to welcome you and your servants - and your little dog - to my forest."
Anya stiffened, her knuckles whitening on her spear. "Who are you calling ancient?” she hissed. "I'm barely one thousand years old, if that."
The Sorcerer stood very still for a moment. "My pardon," he said courteously. "You are a youthful demon indeed. And a most beauteous one."
Xander-dog set up a low rumbling in his throat. If this guy got fresh with his girlfriend, he had every intention of biting him in the leg - Sorcerer or not.
But Anya was too angry to be impressed by mere suavity. "Some criminally stupid thief," she said, between clenched teeth, "sucked our jeep - and us - through a portal that was too small for it. The careless asshole. You wouldn't know who that was, by any chance, would you?" She stepped forward, spear quivering ominously.
“Oh dear,"said their host. "I do hope you weren’t inconvenienced at all.” He looked about the clearing, and frowned. "Has anyone offered our guests tea?" He gazed reprovingly into the forest. There was an outbreak of whispering again, and then a sharper argument started in the third tree from the left, with whistles, hooting and angry branch shaking. A moment later a white faced simian appeared, kettle in hand, and bounded to the forest floor, where it made a wide circle around Anya and Xander-dog, and set off into the trees at the other side of the clearing. "Tea and biscuits," said the Sorcerer, still staring.
There was a long, reluctant silence, followed by more whispering, and then finally another white-face appeared, its long fingers wrapped almost twice around a bright red packet of McVities digestive biscuits.
"Ooh!" cried Buffybot. "Digestives! Giles likes those. And Spike. And lots of other English people, Giles says." She looked at the Sorcerer. "Are you English?"
The Sorcerer's teeth flashed as he grinned. "No, but I know some English people. In fact ...."
"Inconvenienced?" shouted Anya suddenly. Everyone turned, startled. “I’ve been dragged through a portal into another world! I find that extremely inconvenient. Especially since I hadn't had my breakfast."
"The jeep was crushed," said Tara, "and we were only borrowing it. It's terribly embarrassing."
Anya was still fulminating over 'inconvenienced'. "I also landed in a muddy ditch - and I broke a nail!" she said angrily. She brandished her spear. "And someone is going to pay. We intend terrible to wreak terrible vengeance."
"Erm," said Tara, squirming uncomfortably.
"Well, that is of course your right," said the Sorcerer. "But I assure you madam, I am not the guilty party. In fact ....”
“And what about me?” cried Xander-dog, “I've been turned into a dog!”
"Yes, indeed." The Sorcerer bowed. "Now that was me, and I’m modestly pleased with the result. It was rather clever, really." A faint smile was visible in the shadows beneath his turban.
The monkey with the kettle bounded back into view, followed by a companion carrying a load of sticks. "Ah splendid, splendid" said the Sorcerer, clicking his fingers to conjure up five campstools and a neat little fireplace. His hairy assistants carefully put the sticks in place, and hung the kettle over the fire, then stepped back expectantly. The Sorcerer lit the fire with a casual flick of his wand. He gazed approvingly at the flames licking around the base of the kettle, and opened a pouch at his belt to take out some tea bags. "I do hope you'll join me?"
"Clever!" cried Xander-dog, whuffling in agitation. "I'm a dog! And I don't think it's funny." He sat and scratched his belly vigorously with his back foot. "And now I think I've got fleas." His ears drooped.
The monkey who had brought the kettle turned her head at Xander dog's words, and ran across the clearing. She took a handful of dog fur in her long, long fingers, and raked through it. "Aargh!" cried Xander-dog. "Get it off! It's pulling my hair!"
The monkey pounced, with a pleased "Aha!" and held up a huge flea, wriggling helplessly between her thumb and finger nail, to show to her admiring relatives. Then she ate it.
"Ooh!" There was a mass intake of breath from the monkey tree, and then a stream of white faced simians bounced out of the branches and ran over to Xander-dog. In a moment he was almost buried under a seething mass of monkeys.
The Sorcerer chuckled. "Those giant fleas are a great delicacy of theirs." He turned to Tara and Anya and the Buffybot. "But personally I prefer a nice sweet biscuit." He picked up the packet, which had been dropped in the scrum for Xander-dog's fleas, and held it out.
Buffybot took a biscuit absently and raised it to her mouth, fascinated by the monkey scrum that flowed around Xander-dog. She wished she had fleas! Perhaps she could get some? She flicked through her mental encyclopaedia, looking for information on flea habitats. Hmm, fields of grass and carpets in warm rooms were in short supply in a jungle. But still, if Xander-dog could find them, so could she. She gave a firm nod, swallowed the last of her biscuit, and then stared guiltily at her empty hand. Oh dear! She'd eaten food again. Willow got very cross when she had to scrub out Buffybot's insides, and there was already a banana studded with beetles in there. She reminded herself firmly not to drink any tea.
"Now," said the Sorcerer, sitting on a campstool, and resting his wand casually against his thigh, "as I was telling you, I did not summon you into this world. In fact, it was ...."
"Giles!" cried Buffybot, jumping to her feet and running across the clearing, beaming. "Hi! How did you find us?"
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