Buffybot's Birthday Adventure
RATING: PG-13 for sex.
FEEDBACK: Yes, please, to [email protected]
PAIRINGS: None.
DISTRIBUTION: Ask me first - but I'm going to say yes.
PROPS: Miss Murchison and Chartophile for the beta. Thanks!
SPOILERS: None. This is set pre-season 6.
DISCLAIMER: These characters are not mine, but I’m just poking fun.
Chapter 13 - Into the Sky
The members of the expedition had woken, eventually, despite their exhaustion, and gone down to the river to see what Buffybot had wrought. And she'd done a fine job. The new paddles lay in a shiny line, the canoe was fitted up with one outrigger, with a second nearly completed beside it. They saw her note in the mud, so they had put more coffee on the boil, and Willow's knapsack of provisions had been raided for breakfast. The only slight fly in the ointment was the lack of an opener for the can of pineapple Willow had so thoughtfully brought along for Tara.
Tara was trying to be philosophical about it. "After all, I don't actually need pineapple," she said, gazing rather sadly at the can, with its appealing picture of juicy pineapple rings on the label. "I do like it a lot, and I'm really touched you thought to bring me some, sweetie, but I can make do with the brownies and the popcorn." She put some popcorn into her mouth and chewed, smiling bravely.
"And I can manage with brownies and popcorn too, though I'm damned if I'll go without indoor plumbing for much longer," said Anya. "Bears may shit in the woods, but I have standards." She leant against a tree, idly trimming her cuticles with the tip of her spear. "How anyone can be dumb enough to bring a can of pineapple with them, but no can opener, is a mystery though."
Willow scowled at her. "I had a lot on my mind," she said, loudly. "What with the whole trying to save everyone's lives, and all. It was a perfectly natural mistake. And pretty much every can has a ring pull now, anyway."
"Not this one," said Anya, smirking a little. She looked around, "now if Buffybot would just get back here, we could see if our little droid comes with a can opener attachment."
Willow took a deep breath. "Anyway," she took the can from Tara, "I'll just open it with a spell. No problem."
Xander-dog trotted up, with a large pointed rock in his mouth. He dropped it meaningfully at Tara's feet.
"Hmm, said Tara, "that might work better." She took the can back from Willow, put down the popcorn, and placed the can on the ground, and struck it sharply with the rock. A tiny dent appeared in the metal surface, and the tin sank an inch into the mud. Tara frowned.
Several minutes later, the can, now lying on the 'no parking' sign from the cache of alien artefacts, was rather impressively dented, and Tara was sucking her thumb and forefinger, which she had just struck with a rock, and trying very hard not to swear. She picked up the rock again.
"I guess Tara really does like pineapple," said Anya, winking at the Xander-dog.
"Tara honey," said Willow, laying a tentative hand on her shoulder. "Please let me open it with a spell, before you hurt yourself any more."
Tara tensed, and then sighed, and got up off her knees, dropping the rock as she did so. "Just try not to vaporise the pineapple, sweetie," she said. "Some of your spells can be a little.... vigorous."
Willow patted her shoulder. "Don't worry, I've been practising. It'll be just forceful enough." She muttered some words under her breath, and pointed a finger at the can. There was an explosion, and a huge eruption of mud flew up out of the ground as though a missile had hit it, and showered down on everyone in the vicinity.
There was a long, long silence, broken only by the splat, splat of mud falling from the leaves of the surrounding trees, and back to earth. Four figures seemingly fashioned out of mud stared at each other, frozen into position in a circle around what was now a large crater in the ground. Finally, they all stepped forward as one, and looked down into the hole. Lying at the bottom, a little blackened and scorched, but still intact, was the can of pineapple.
..................
Buffybot dangled upside down over the river, her ankles gripped in the claws of the strange flying creature. They had flown for several hours, following the course of the river, and retracing the canoe trip of yesterday, until finally, as dawn approached, the creature had landed in a huge untidy nest, built in the branches of a huge sequoia overhanging the bank, where it turned her wrong-side-up in second, before she'd had a chance to so much as wriggle.
"Are you comfortable, little servant girl?" whispered a deep silky voice above her.
"Not very," said Buffybot. "All my machine oil is rushing to my head. But it's a very interesting view!" She looked brightly around her, at the silvery water above, and the starry sky below.
The silky voice came again. "And what do you think would happen if I dropped you?"
"I'd probably sink," said Buffybot honestly.
The voice cackled in a sinister fashion, "Not before the crocodiles, and the piranhas found you."
"Ooh!" said Buffybot, determined to keep her eyes open if she did get dropped in. She mentally filed through her system specifications. Seeing underwater wasn't mentioned, oddly, but she hoped it came with being guaranteed waterproofed throughout. She wanted to see those piranhas!
The clawed hands holding her ankles began to swing her, casually, over the dark water below. "Now," said the voice. "Tell me everything you know about El Bombero. What is he planning? And who are the allies he has summoned to his side, through space and time? You will tell me all, or be eaten alive in the murky waters below."
Buffybot folded her arms, and pursed her lips firmly as he swung her to and fro. No way was she going to tell this bad demon thingies about her friends, or even about El Bombero. So there!
....................
"Just forceful enough, eh?" Anya leant down into the crater, and flicked out the battered can with her spear. She picked it up, wincing a little from the heat, and wedged it into the 'v' where a heavy limb branched from the main trunk of the nearest tree. "What we need here," she said, "is Buffybot's axe." She slipped down onto the shore, picked up the axe from where it lay beside the nearly finished canoe, and scrambled up the bank again.
Her fellows watched with varying degrees of resignation, as she flexed her shoulders, and then slashed the axe downwards with tremendous force into the 'v'. The tree limb trembled, and then with a terrible tearing sound, it sheered off the main trunk and fell to the ground in a death rattle of rustling leaves. The tin of pineapple teetered for a moment, and then fell to the ground with a faint little thump.
"It helps if you actually hit the can with the axe," said Willow smugly.
Anya gave an inarticulate cry of rage, grabbed the can, and hurled it in a great arc out into the river.
There was a faint 'thunk', and a great reptilian head surfaced briefly, its eyes gazing at them malevolently.
"Oh great," said Willow. "Now you've pissed off the crocodile."
..................
"Let me see if I understand this," said Acathla. "You have the power to tear open the veils between worlds, to plunge every planet and the universe it inhabits into the fiery depths of hell and beyond, to bring to a close millennia of history for an infinite variety of civilizations, and plunge yet others into a tumultuous birth. You can end an epoch for countless billions of living creatures, and begin another - and instead you wish to go shopping for a carpet?"
Dawn scowled. It sounded dumb put like that. "After I've saved all my friends, obviously." She folded her arms, and looked at the stained, dusty, scorched and trampled pile beneath her feet. "But mom really loved this carpet, and now it's ruined. It needs fixing. And we need a replacement coffee table, too," she added, her eye falling on the burnt and cracked glass surface beneath the tumbled crucibles. "Luckily, I know exactly where she bought it from."
"It is possible," said Acathla, speaking carefully, "that you have been in that pathetic human shape too long. It appears to be shaping your thoughts ...."
Dawn stamped her foot. "You are bound to me, demon," she cried, her voice rising with her emotion.
Acathla winced.
"You accepted the sacrifice of my blood, and stepped through the portal prepared by my priestess," continued Dawn. "So now you've got to do what I say, until the blood price is paid." She crossed her fingers behind her back. Having a pair of witches in the house who constantly talked shop might turn out to be useful after all.
"But I don't know anything about carpets!" shouted Acathla, goaded. More plaster fell from the ceiling.
...............
Buffybot plummeted downwards, hitting the water with a tremendous splash. She immediately began to sink like a stone. Just like I said I would! she thought complacently. But her watery plunge was short. She felt a cold shadow below her, and looked down - straight into an enormous pair of opened jaws. It was a crocodile! A leviathan - infinitely bigger than the one that had attacked their canoe. It grabbed her in its incredibly sharp teeth, tossed her once to get her into a head down position, caught her again, and then swallowed her in one gulp.
She couldn't have been more excited.
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