Buffybot's Birthday Adventure
RATING: PG-13 for sex.
FEEDBACK: Yes, please, to [email protected]
PAIRINGS: None.
DISTRIBUTION: Ask me first - but I'm going to say yes.
PROPS: Miss Murchison and Chartophile for the beta. Thanks!
SPOILERS: None. This is set pre-season 6.
DISCLAIMER: These characters are not mine, but I’m just poking fun.
Chapter 1 - Even The Longest Journey Begins With a Single Step (Well, Normally)
The
Buffybot was excited. Very excited. Very, very, very excited.
She skipped merrily down Revello Drive with a song in her heart and a smile
on her lips. She waved merrily to her neighbours as went, and some of them
even waved back. Plus Mrs Bercowski's pink poodle Trixie barked at her, but
in a friendly way.
Whee! thought Buffybot to herself, life was sure fun. She battled evil by
night, and attended catering college by day. And every day in every way she
was becoming a more and more useful member of society. Her face grew sad for
a minute when she recalled that Willow had banned her from joining the Girl
Scouts of America - she wanted achievement badges, and lots of them! Plus,
she wanted to go camping, and sleep out under the stars, and roast
marshmallows (though they were bound to make a nasty mess in her insides if
she actually swallowed them).
But Willow said she was too old, or at least she looked too old, so no Girl
Scout badges for her. She couldn't pretend it hadn't been a disappointment.
Still, life wasn't perfect, she knew that - and a Bot just had to roll with
the punches sometimes. She'd tried not to be too sad, but she guessed she
had drooped a bit, because earning badges was just like the coolest
thing. And that's when Tara had said they ought to do something special for
her birthday.
Buffybot skipped again as she thought about it. Strictly speaking today wasn't her birthday of course, since she'd woken only a few months ago - but it was her motherboard's birthday. Last time she'd plugged herself into Willow's laptop to do a systems check, Willow had pointed out her motherboard's “0900234562” serial number, and explained the first four digits gave the date of manufacture - 0900 was September 2000, which had made it nearly a year old. It was very, very exciting - she hadn't realised different bits of her were different ages. Though Willow had looked up the motherboard make and model on the internet - and apparently it only had a three year warranty, which was a bit alarming. Buffybot patted her motherboard mentally, determined to give it plenty of loving care. As Tara said, it was sure to last much longer than that, with her to look after it. It was only poor lonely, dusty motherboards stuck in overheated and under ventilated appliances that went to an early meeting with that Blue Screen of Death she'd heard such scary things about.
So, today was September 1, 2001, and she was going hiking! With Tara! For her birthday! She was going to learn earth magic, which was probably even more fun than roasting marshmallows.
Buffybot mentally flicked through her ‘Book of Wilderness’ tips for the
umpteenth time. She certainly hoped that they didn’t get lost in the
wilderness, of course, or run out of food and water; and it would be
terrible if Tara broke her ankle, or was knocked unconscious by a rampaging
moose. But if any of those circumstances arose she was equipped to deal with
it, by golly! She could plot their direction by the stars, tell a poisonous
plant at 50 paces, and spot the place to dig for nutritious tubers. She was
well versed in the theory - if not the practice admittedly, of splinting
broken bones, and the correct treatment for concussion. And she knew how to
set traps for rabbits, and make spears for hunting fish - though that seemed
a bit cruel. But if it would keep Tara alive, she’d do it, even if the
rabbits were really cute and fluffy, and made little squeaking noises, and
had big brown button eyes, and velvet twitching noses .... she faltered.
Hopefully, no cuniculicide would be called for. Tara liked vegetables after
all.
She gave a little skip, as she powered down the street to The Magic Box to
borrow Mr Giles’ backpack, camping stove and nesting set of billy cans. She
was hoping for a machete as well, or a least a neat little throwing axe.
Buffybot giggled to herself, and slashed imaginary lianas with her imaginary
machete. Swoosh! Swoosh! She giggled again; by this time tomorrow, she would
be Backwoods Buffybot, Queen of the Jungle.
................
Buffybot skipped through the door of the Magic Box, and into the training room. Xander and Anya were having sex on the vaulting horse.
“Hi guys!” cried Buffybot, glad to see her friends were enjoying themselves.
Xander screamed and toppled backwards off the horse.
“Oh no!” Buffybot rushed forward, and peered down at Xander, as he lay writhing on the floor, ankles hobbled together by his pants. “Did you break anything?” she asked, ready to put her new fracture splinting skills into action.
“He certainly wrenched something,” said Anya, sliding gingerly off the vaulting horse, and wincing. She glared down at Xander. “She only said, ‘Hi guys!’ Anyone would think she’d goosed you with a cattle prod.”
Buffybot’s eyes grew round. “I would never prod Xander’s bottom,” she said reproachfully. “Only demons’ bottoms!”
Xander regained his feet and swiftly buttoned his pants, blushing furiously. “I was nervous,” he said defensively. “I told you I was nervous. Anyone could have come in and caught us.”
Anya rolled her eyes. Xander was so prudish when it came to sex in public places. It had taken her hours to coax him into mounting the vaulting horse. Hours! And she hadn’t even got an orgasm out of it. She stomped off to draw a chart showing the store’s cash flow profile. At least that would be one satisfying activity undertaken today.
Xander rubbed his shoulder, which he had bumped very hard on the floorboards, and looked across at Buffybot, who, relieved of the fear that he had snapped a femur, had skipped off to test the sharpness of the throwing axes hanging on the wall. She was humming to herself as she drew two of the axes in a complicated figure of eight pattern, at top speed, around her head. Xander winced. After Buffybot’s last workout only last week, Willow had been forced to spend half the night reattaching a metal ear. She was not going to be happy if the next job was a whole recapitation.
He cleared his throat nervously. “Uh, Ninja girl. Anya and I …. When you came in …. The game we were playing ….”
“You were having sex!” said Buffybot brightly, not missing a beat with her throwing axes.
Xander blushed. “Uh yes, the sex. Um. That is. Please don’t tell anyone you found us having sex on the vaulting horse,” he said in rush.
“Okay,” said Buffybot, agreeably. “I’m already not allowed to tell anyone about Willow and Tara having sex on the ….” She stopped, axes quivering in mid air, and looked guilty.
“On the what?” asked Xander, stepping forward unconsciously.
“I’m not allowed to tell you,” said Buffybot. She wagged her finger, causing the right hand axe to swish dangerously close to Xander’s nose. He stepped back, flinching, and retreated to safety.
“You can tell ol’ Xander here,” he said, coaxingly, from behind the vaulting horse. “I’m sure Willow and Tara wouldn’t mind if you just told me.”
Buffybot giggled, and replaced the two axes on the wall. She lifted a larger, heavier axe down, and tested the sharpness of its blade with her thumb. “It’s a test, isn’t it?” she said brightly. “You want to test me to see if I can keep a secret. Well, I can keep a secret like anything, you betcha.” She stepped over the Xander, and patted him on his sore shoulder, drawing a little yelp. “Don’t worry, your and Anya’s secret is safe with me. And Tara says Willow only wrenched her back a little bit on the sink, so that’s good!”
And she set off to collect the camping stove, the frying pan and the backpack, shiny axe swinging from her right hand, leaving Xander blinking behind her.
..............
Willow and Tara were arguing. “I can drive,” said Tara firmly. “It only takes 6 hours. Remember Riley said people in Iowa drive further than that to watch school basketball?” She was standing with her hand on the open door of Joyce Summers’ Jeep Cherokee, inherited by Buffy, and now de facto by the Scoobies. Nobody had been quite sure that it was okay to use it for the expedition, but it seemed the practical choice. And finally, as the 'can we, can't we, should we, shouldn't we?' conversation had rolled on, Dawn had rolled her eyes, snatched the keys and flung them to Tara. And since she seemed to be the closest thing the jeep had to an owner, Tara had taken them, and loaded up for the trip.
“Well, we’re not in Iowa,” said Willow. “Thank goodness,” she added as an afterthought. “And if you can save 12 hours of driving with a simple bit of trans-dimensional magic, it’s crazy not to do it.”
Anya leant with her backside against the jeep and gazed at her fingernails. Xander was being annoyingly inattentive, and she was bored to tears by the magic/no magic conversation. The answer was obvious, surely?
“What’s the point of being a witch if you don’t do spells?” she asked.
“Exactly!” said Willow.
Xander slouched against the jeep beside Anya, his mind wandering, as he tried to figure out exactly how Willow had cricked her back on a sink, and what Tara had been doing at the time. He jumped as Anya elbowed him in the ribs. “Yes, indeedy,” he said hurriedly, “whatever Anya said.”
“We’re driving,” said Tara, her tone final. She pulled on a pair of reflective sunglasses, and opened the door of the jeep, suddenly looking rather cool. Buffybot was sitting in the front passenger seat of the jeep, seat belt buckled, vibrating with eagerness to be off. She had her Swiss Army penknife, her camping stove, her frying pan, her sleeping bag, her spare clothes, her binoculars, her compass, her hand axe, her first aid kit, and her waterproof box of matches, all in the backpack she was clasping against her chest. Tara turned and smiled at Willow and Dawn, who were standing on the pavement, arms folded in unconscious echo of one another. “Well, goodby. ...”
She never finished the sentence. The jeep vanished. Along with Tara, Buffybot, Xander and Anya.
Willow and Dawn stood in the road with their mouths open, staring at the empty space in front of them, so recently occupied by a gleaming tonne of metal, and their friends. What on earth had happened?
Let's go back to the chapter index!
Feedback is very welcome!
Return to Keswindhover's home page