Unrelevence
                        Started 1995


"A weapon is a tool for stopping the other fellow.  The so-called humane weapons merely stop a man without permanently injuring him.  The best weapons are the ones that work by implication, by threat, and never have to be used at all.  The enemy stops himself.  It's when they don't stop that the weapons become inhumane, because that's when you have to use them.  And so far, the most effective ones are the ones that kill because they stop the guy permanently." -- David Gerrold

"A torch is a truly beautiful weapon.  It'll stop a man instantly.  It'll stop a tank.  It'll burn out a pillbox.  It is not humane, you pull that trigger and that's not a man in front of you anymore; it's a private piece of hell.  You can watch him turn black and shrivel as his blood boils out of his skin.  You can feel his flesh roasting.  Sometimes you can even hear the scream of the air exploding out of his lungs.  And that's good, that's very good, you should be right down there next to what you are doing.  If you're going to be a killer, you should do it personally, so you experience what you're doing.  That's the civilized way.  The torch is not humane, but it is civilized." -- David Gerrold

"'I assume that means I was too slow' -- 'Too slow?  Of course not.  You just moved too long in the same place'" -- David Gerrold

"Death is the best part of life, that's why it's saved for last." -- David Gerrold

"Death is unpreventable, so you should just lay back and enjoy it." -- David Gerrold

"There is nothing that's totally true, and that's totally true." -- David Gerrold

"Blood makes the grass grow, kill, kill, kill." -- Ren. Fest.

"Life sucks, then you die, then they throw dirt in your face, then the worms eat you, be grateful if it happens in that order." -- David Gerrold

"Every thing is in moderation, even moderation." -- Geoff

"Every thing has order, even if that order is chaos." -- Jesse Luke

"Live and learn, die and forget, unless you're a master at the system." -- Shadow Run

"Guns, guns, guns, my life would be a bore without them." -- Shadow Run

"Never relax, your assignment may be over but someone, somewhere, is just starting his, and you may be a target." -- Shadow Run

"Of course kick a man when he's down, that's the best time, if you don't you might as well not kick him when he's up" -- David Gerrold

"Guns don't die, people do." -- David Gerrold

"To err is human, to blame it on the other guy is more so." -- David Gerrold

"There's one thing to be said for ignorance.  It starts a lot of interesting arguments." -- David Gerrold

"I enjoy watching amateurs make fools of themselves, most of the time, it's the other way around." -- David Gerrold

"It's not who wins or loses - it's how you place the blame." -- David Gerrold

"You're only young once, but you can be immature forever." -- David Gerrold

"If it were easy, it would have been done already." -- David Gerrold

"If the shoe fits, kick someone." -- David Gerrold

"Choose your death carefully, You'll be stuck with it for a long time." -- David Gerrold

"The constitution guarantees every citizen the right to make a damn fool of himself, in public or private, however he or she chooses." -- David Gerrold

"If god is really watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining." -- David Gerrold

"Practice makes perfect, but no one's perfect, so why practice?" -- Anon. Motto

"You can believe anything, the universe is not obliged to keep a straight face." -- David Gerrold

"It's easier to believe in god then take the blame for our self." -- David Gerrold

"No one ever died badly, they got the job done didn't they?" -- David Gerrold

"If 'thou art god' then praying is just talking to yourself." -- David Gerrold

"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die." -- David Gerrold

"Rome wasn't destroyed in a day either." -- David Gerrold

"No matter where you stand, it will always look like the middle." -- David Gerrold

"What is the goal of life?  Well, survival is the wrong goal.  You are destined to lose.  If not today, then tomorrow.  If not tomorrow, then the next day.  If not the next day, then the day after.  If not the day after, then someday, I promise you, you will die." -- David Gerrold

"In this life, in this time, I've never seen anything to say there is, or ever was, a god.  If there is a god, he's probably trapped in hell." -- Geoff

"If there is a supreme angel, then that must be a killer angel." -- Killer Angels

"Never trust a tall dwarf, he's lying about something." -- David Gerrold

"This neurotic pursuit of sanity is driving us all crazy." -- David Gerrold

"Death can't be all that bad, no one who died ever complained about it." -- David Gerrold

"If the afterlife is so good, then why are we not all committing suicide." -- David Gerrold

"The existence of life on earth proves that Murphy's law is universal.  If anything can go wrong, it will." -- David Gerrold

"Be patient, evolution isn't done with us yet." -- David Gerrold

"Jesus only told us half of it.  The truth will set you free, but first it's going to piss you off." -- David Gerrold

"The game of life is always called on the count of darkness." -- David Gerrold

"There is only one choice, all the rest are illusions, or reflections of this one.  You can be free, or you can be cattle.  That's it.  So, here's the punch line 'Let George do it', it's not just a slogan of a lazy man, it's a credo of the slave.  If you want to be taken care of, that's fine, go join the cattle, just don't complain when they ship you off to the packing plant." -- David Gerrold

"It was too high.  It's wasn't the fall that was dangerous, it was the abrupt stop at the end." -- David Gerrold

"The moment you stop, you start to realize how silly it looks." -- David Gerrold

"Artificial food is expensive.  Nothing makes a steak as efficiently as a cow." -- David Gerrold

"Writing for television is a debating exercise.  How can you inspire an audience to their best when every fourteen minutes someone interrupts to tell them that they're unfit to live with." -- David Gerrold

"The universe is full of surprises -- most of them nasty." -- David Gerrold

"Probability is a constant." -- David Gerrold

"The three laws of infernal dynamics:
    1: 'An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction'
    2: 'An object at rest will always be in the wrong place'
    3: 'The energy required to change either of these states will always be more then you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task appear prospectively impossible." -- David Gerrold

"How do we know what's 'Humane'.  Nobody ever taught humans to be humans anyway." -- Geoff

"Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at." -- David Gerrold

"New problems demand new solutions.  New solutions create new problems." -- David Gerrold

"It's almost always dangerous to be right too soon." -- David Gerrold

"I try not to pay too much attention to the news.  It's always full of other people's problems." -- David Gerrold

"There is no such thing as justice.  There is only the desire to see the pain spread around equally." -- David Gerrold

"Life is like surrealism.  If you need to have it explained to you, you can't afford it." -- David Gerrold

"Anything worth doing is worth doing for money." -- David Gerrold

"There is no such thing as overkill." -- David Gerrold

"It's a good thing money can't buy happiness.  We couldn't stand the commercials." -- David Gerrold

"Resorting to lawyers is proof of failure." -- David Gerrold

"God and I came to an agreement a long time ago.  I don't ask him to solve my problems, he doesn't ask me to solve his.  This arrangement works out fine.  God has more than enough to worry about already, so do I." -- David Gerrold

"Reality can be useful." -- David Gerrold

"Life never gets so bad that is can't get worse." -- David Gerrold

"The last two words to the star-spangled banner it NOT 'Play Ball!'" -- David Gerrold

"No one ever hires a lawyer for justice, they hire them for revenge." -- David Gerrold

"Armies are not known for there neatness." -- David Gerrold

"Death comes for those who look for it." -- David Gerrold

"Sanity -- if you think you have it, you probably don't.  If your sure you have it, then, for sure, you don't." -- David Gerrold

"The army has a technical term for their troops that go into combat stoned, we call them statistics." -- David Gerrold

"We are all just dead men on leave." -- Anon.

"Revenge is a dish best served cold."

"I trust him like a brother, that is to say, not at all." -- Roger Zelanzy

"He ran as if the devil was after him, and he was right." -- Roger Zelanzy

"Here lie the bones of ranger Jones, a graduate of this institution;  He died last night in a fire-fight using the schools solution." -- Tombstone in front of a Ranger Training School

"Here I am, I am the master of your destiny." -- Queen

"It's better to burn out then to fade away." -- Highlander

"Who the hell thought of this?!?" -- Geoff

"At first it was amusing, now it's just irritating." -- Dave Thomson

"It's a growing world. (or are we all just shrinking)"

"Time is something man can never control, it is a predator, and we are it's prey.  It's hard for a rabbit to be friends with a cat."

"It's human nature to kill, and death is also part of human nature, too bad every one has forgotten that." -- Geoff

"'What if..'  it's a question that has been in the minds of humans for countless generations, if you notice, a dog never stops and stands thinking 'What if...'  they go at it and never look back too see if it was wrong.  We, as humans, are animals, but we have forgotten that we are.  We can't go through life asking if we should of should not, we should go at it and never look back." -- Geoff

"I have decided that your whole system sucks." -- Rage Against The Machine Tee-Shirt

"Peace treaties are just for the combatants to stockpile weapons."

"SIT DOWN!!! I'M NOT DONE BRAINWASHING YOU YET!!!" -- David Gerrold

"... On the sixth day god created man.  On the seventh day, god created suicide."

"... On the sixth day god created man.  On the seventh day, god created therapy."

"... On the sixth day god created man and said 'oops'."

"Never laugh as a hearse goes by, for you may be the next to die."

"Anarchy -- The government of no government."

"If you run, you'll only die tired." -- Sniper Tee-Shirt

"Vegetable are the root of all evil."

"A single death is a tragedy.  A million death are a statistic." -- Joseph Stalin

"Nothing is ever done until men are prepared to kill another if it is not done."

"Neutrals never dominate events,  they always sink.  Blood alone moves the wheels of history."

"Peace, n.  In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting." -- Devil's Dictionary

"Soldiers in peace are like chimneys in summer."

"An ally has to be watched just like an enemy."

"Do not repeat the tactics that have gained you one victory, but let your methods be regulated by the infinite variety of circumstances." -- Sun Tsu's Art of War

"Better a known enemy then a forced ally."

"They say soldiers and lawyers could never thrive both in one shire."

"Let who desires peace prepare for war."

"Diplomacy without arms is like music without instruments."

"It is fashion these days to make war, and presumably it will last a while yet." -- Alexander The Great

"To delight in war is a merit in a soldier, a dangerous quality in a captain, and a positive crime in the statesman."

"Your god is dead and no one cares!" -- Nine Inch Nails

"'Trust no one, they are all out to stab you in the back' - 'Does that mean I shouldn't trust you?' - 'No, of course not, trust me in everything'" -- Roger Zelanzy

"Here is my quote and you can quote me on that." -- Geoff

"The meek may inherit the earth, but we are headed for the stars!" -- David Gerrold

"At first we wait for Santa Clause, then when we learn there is no Santa, hopefully before high school, they start waiting for Rigor Mortis, the last thing we do is stop waiting, no one who waits gets things done." -- David Gerrold

"We are all alone together."

"Fear the one who welcomes death, but wishes for immortality." -- Geoff

"Do not weep for the dead, weep for the living and the soon to be.  The dead are at peace, they don't need to worry about anything anymore, but they left you in a world of death.  Weep for you and yours.  You have to live in the world they, and you, created." -- Geoff

"This is not the end, nor the beginning.  It is not the end of the beginning or the beginning of the end.  It is here and that is there and this is starting to roll on, and on, and on, and on...." -- Geoff

"Are you getting annoyed yet?!?" -- Geoff

"Now we are getting very strange, the quotes are getting out of hand, with anything to quote, this could be a very long time." -- Geoff

"I came, I played, I lost.  I tried again, I cheated, I won." -- Cheater's Guild Motto

"The point of war is not to die for your country, it's to make the other poor bastard die for his." -- Patton

"Look at your life, then look at mine.  My life has doors that I have locked many years ago, I have ghosts haunting me as I am awake and when I am asleep.  you think your life is hard.  It does not seem hard to me.  Your life has been a cake walk, and it is my duty to make the rest of it a living HELL!" -- Geoff

"Remember, we are watching you." -- Illuminati Motto

"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?"

"If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started."

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals."

"A fanatic is someone who redoubles his effort when he's forgotten his aim."

"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today."

"A mind is a terrible thing to confuse with an egg."

"666             The Number of the Beast
 666.0000             The Number of the Beast (high precision)
 666 AM             WBST Radio: All Beast, All the Time
 333             Eric the Half-A-Beast
 1010011010             The Binary of the Beast
 $333.00             Half-price Beast during January Clearance Sale
 2, 2, 5, 23             The Factors of the Beast
 2, 4, 666, 8             "Who do we abominate? GooooOOO, Beast!!!"
 666-1             The Imaginary number of the Beast
 666i             The BMW of the Beast
 668             The Neighbor of the Beast
 DCLXVI             The Roman Numeral of the Beast
 ^^^             The Beast with shift key applied"

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."

"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm. As you get older, remember you have another hand: the first is to help yourself, the second is to help others."

"When the game is over, the king and the pawn go into the same box."

"This is what learning is. You suddenly understand something you've understood all your life, but in a new way."

"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth."

"There are two things to aim for in life: first, to get what you want; and after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second."

"It's extraordinary how extraordinary the ordinary person is."

"A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, 'The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat.'  The architect did not agree. He said, 'But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect.'  The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, 'Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?'"

"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together..."

"Bus Error -- Please Take The Train."

"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'"

"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what's right."

"We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance." -- Japanese Proverb

"You can kill a thousand; you can bring an end to life; you cannot kill an idea." -- Dr. King

"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often."

"Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. Then when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes."

"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public school."

"Get your mind out of the gutter -- it's blocking my view"

"If love is chemistry, and sex is physics, then what is biology?"

"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is a big difference."

"For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like."

"In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded. ( big bang theory )."

"Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?"

"A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
     She found a good way
     To combine work and play:
She sells C shells by the seashore."

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."" -- A. Einstein

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."

"C Code
C Code Run
Run Code, RUN!
    PLEASE!!!"

"Carpe Diem - Seize the day
Carpe Noctum - Seize the night
Carpin Denim - there's a fish in my pants"

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... the other eight are unimportant."

"For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong."

"It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs."

"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on."

"If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you."

"While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is admission to someone else."

"Don't be humble, you're not that great."

"Cows in Space. The herd shot around the world."

"Atilla The Hun's Maxim: If you're going to rape, pillage and burn, be sure to do things in that order."

"A man sits with a pretty girl for an hour and it seems shorter than a minute. But tell that same man to sit on a hot stove for a minute, it is longer than any hour. That's relativity." -- A. Einstein

"The world's as ugly as sin, And almost as delightful"

"When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have In-laws."

"All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed."

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."

"A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard"

"O give me a home,
Where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word,
'Cause what can an antelope say?"

"One is not truly alive if he can find someone from which nothing can be learned."

"Computation is the art of carefully throwing away information."

"Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it."

"What garlic is to food, insanity is to art."

"There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, don't we all?"

"There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer, and the first communications satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the telephone business?"

"Gentlemen! You can't fight in here. This is the War Room."

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."

"The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice."

""It's easier said than done." and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than done"."

"Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives."

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

"Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted."

"Live as one already dead."

"Has it ever occurred to you that there might be a difference between having an open mind and having holes in one's head?"

"Why did the computer programmer die in the shower?
The directions said: Lather, rinse, repeat."

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read" -- G. Marx

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others." -- G. Marx

"There are two major products to come out of Berkeley:  LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence."

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal."

"To live by medicine is to live horribly."

"Nearly all men die of their medicines, and not of their illnesses."

"I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed..."

"If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs, consider an exciting career as a guillotine operator!"

"Draft beer, not people."

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." -- O. Ozzborn

"Save the whales.  Collect the whole set."

"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!  He shoots.  HE SCOOORES!"

"Give your child mental blocks for Christmas."

"Everybody should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink." -- G. Marx

"If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?"

"We must hang together, gentlemen...else, we shall most assuredly hang separately."

"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.  It should be thrown with great force." -- G. Marx

"Everybody wants to see justice done, to somebody else."

"Trees don't fall in the forest when no one's around to hear them. Sometimes they just happen to be on the ground when you see them again."

"The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse."

 "What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket."

"Death:  To stop sinning suddenly."

"Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work."

"The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!"

"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die."

"Be different:  Conform."

"If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will."

"Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are."

"If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail."

"Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure."

"Acid:  Better living through chemistry."

"Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock."

"There's no future in time travel."

"Hail to the sun god, he sure is a fun god, Ra, Ra, Ra!"

"There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about."

"Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners."

"Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all."

"Paul's law:  You can't fall off the floor."

"Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is."

"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you."

"Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare."

"Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer."

"It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others."

"New York...when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you."

"This sentence is false with probability 0.5."

"An armed society is a polite society."

"The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from."

"The race is not always to the swift, but it's a pretty safe bet."

"Sin harder!  Ragnarok is coming!"

"Ask a fish head anything you want to.  It won't answer you; they can't talk."

"Misfortune, n.  The kind of fortune that never misses." -- Devil's Dictionary

"Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow."

"The worst thing about hell is that you THINK you're having a really good time."

"There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit."

"When I was young, all I wanted was to be ruler of the universe.  Now that isn't enough."

"If it ain't fixed, don't broke it!"

"Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual."

"This is MY universe and I'm SICK of people BARGING IN!"

"When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?"

""Where are we going?"  "Nowhere."  "So what's the rush?""

"The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."

"Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before."

"A day without sunshine is like night."

"College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink."

"This is a crude version of a more advanced utility that has never been written."

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." -- S. King

"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."

--------- If you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor ----------

"He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead."

"Photons have mass?  I didn't know they were catholic!"

"Cole's Law:  Thinly sliced cabbage."

"Walt Disney is not dead.  He's in suspended animation."

"Jesus saves sinners...and redeems them for valuable cash prizes!"

"If you had everything, where would you keep it?"

"Someone put live piranha in our swimming pool. If we don't swim there anymore, the piranha will starve."

"The use of 'goto' statements is discouraged, especially with the label HELL:"

"The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity."

"If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire."

"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." -- Anon English Teacher

"A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle."

"What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?"

"I haven't lost my mind;  I'm sure it's backed up on tape somewhere!"

"Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?"

"Never hit a man with glasses.  Hit him with a baseball bat."

"If you hear an onion ring, answer it."

"Better to Trade Knowledge than Something of Value."

"Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines."

"[Warning on knife]:  Caution.  Blade is sharp.  Keep out of children."

"Living right doesn't really make you live longer, it just SEEMS like longer."

"DEAR MISS MANNERS -- When someone brings sweet rolls to work for a treat,  is it proper for people to cut them up and leave halves, quarters or eighths on the plate?
GENTLE READER -- Those who bring sweet rolls to work should not be quartered,  much less eighthed. They are only being nice."

"Why can you only have two doors on a chicken coop?
If it had four it would be a chicken sedan."

"Why don't cannibals eat clowns?  Because they taste funny."

"Did you hear about the cannibal who loved children?
He just adored the platter of little feet..."

"Scientific American, July 1991: The column describes an insect-like robot and then relates an incident in which a curious visitor, upon seeing the thing for the first time, asks "is it a bug?"  The reply: "No, it's a feature.""

"The other day I put my wrists in front of my eyes.
I had Carpal Tunnel Vision Syndrome."

"While traveling near Tampa, Florida I passed the "Jehovah's Witness Assembly Hall" and was struck by the fact that that must be where they make them."

"Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
Because OCT(31) = DEC(25)"

"I get up each morning, gather my wits.
Pick up the paper, read the obits.
If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed."

"Introducing "lite", the new way to spell "light", with 20% fewer letters!"

"Her eyes were cold and harsh, which made them tough to chew."

"I possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained."

"Of course, long before you mature, most of you will be eaten."

"Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left."

"Humans were invented by water for transporting it uphill."

"I don't want to be immortal through my work.  I want to be immortal through not dying."

"Christ died for our sins.  Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?"

"Just when you think you've finally hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel."

"The brain can be seen as a complex machine, like a gooey computer."

"Why settle for the lesser evil?  Cthulhu for President."

"If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we put metal in a microwave!"

"The Meaning Of Life: The reason that we're all here is that it was too crowded where we were supposed to go."

"One bright morning in the middle of night, two dead men got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot one another. One deaf policeman heard the noise, came and killed the two dead boys."

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full house and four people died."

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."

"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."

"The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier."

"The human spirit is a very hard thing to kill.  Even with a chainsaw."

"Save a tree.  Eat a beaver."

"Save water.  Shower with a friend."

"My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air.  Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work."

"Roses are red / Violets are blue / Some poems rhyme / But this one doesn't."

"Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?"

"I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper."

"It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly."

"Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food.  You may wonder how it weighs the food.  It doesn't.  It just eats another hummingbird."

"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." -- A. Lincoln

"From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter.  Someday I intend reading it." -- G. Marx

"Time flies like an arrow. So just what ARE time flies, and why do they like an ARROW?"

"Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes."

"It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place."

"We, the unwilling,
 led by the unknowing,
 are doing the impossible
 for the ungrateful.
 we have done so much,
 for so long,
 with so little,
 we are now qualified to do anything
 with nothing."

"There are a billion people in China.  It's not easy to be an individual in a crowd of more than a billion people.  Think of it.  More than a BILLION people. That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like you."

"Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time is called the Dark Ages."

"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light." And there was still nothing, but everybody could see it."

"Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question."

"We'll burn that bridge when we come to it."

"When I die, I'd like to go peacefully.
  in my sleep.
    like my grandfather.
Not screaming,
  like the passengers in his car..."

"Colorless green ideas sleep furiously"

"It is not known with what weapon World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." -- A. Einstein

""So what do we do if we get bitten by something deadly, then?", I asked.  He blinked at me as if I were stupid.  "Well what do you think you do?", he said.  "You die of course.  That's what deadly means.""

"It's not the fall that kills you, it's the impact on the rocks below."

"I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify".
I wrote "Doctor" ... What's my mother going to do?"

"The speed of time is one second per second."

"No matter how hard you throw a dead fish in the water, it still won't swim."

"I won't have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent."

"Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero."

"If P is prime, is P' prime prime?"

"Solution to two of the world's problems:  Feed the homeless to the hungry."

"San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and never was."

"Q. How do you attract a vegetarian?
 A. Make a noise like a wounded vegetable."

"Mankind faces a crossroads.  One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to extinction.  Let us pray we choose correctly."

"Don't keep a negative attitude, such as
        "I will not succeed, I will not succeed."
Instead, keep a positive attitude:
        "I WILL fail.  I WILL fail.""

"Practice safe government---use kingdoms.
Anarchist reply:  Abstinence is the only way to be 100% sure."

""Mommy, mommy! The garbage man is here!"
"Well, tell him we don't want any!""

"Your mother's so old, when I told her to act her age, she died."

"While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery."

"Q:  What has got two legs and bleeds ?
A:  Half a dog..."

"In a Russian tragedy, everybody dies.  In a Russian comedy, everybody dies too. But they die happy."

"The harder you fall, the higher you bounce."

"If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back to you, it's yours forever.
If it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it."

"If you love something, kill it.  If it returns, you belong to it forever."

"When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet.  When toast is dropped, it always lands butter-side-down.  I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat [butter facing up].  The two will hover, spinning, inches above the ground.  With a giant buttered-toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago."

"Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out."

"Will your answer to this question be no?"

"No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but most of the time, we aren't either."

"I don't use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough."

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." -- Anon English Teacher

"Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway."

"Cuisine is something like food but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher.  If you happen to have French cuisine then the waiter will insult you as you are served."

"A toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast."

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening...But this wasn't it."

"Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."

"See the happy moron,
  He doesn't give a damn.
I wish I were a moron,
  My God! Perhaps I am!"

"America is like a melting pot.  The people at the bottom get burned, and the scum floats to the top."

"So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence."

"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them."

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."

"The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim."

"Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw."

"It is possible for your mind to be so open that your brain falls out."

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices."

"Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line, off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net."

"There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone.  That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to use my telephone."

"Courteous Postal Workers:
A. Always have stamps on hand.
B. Are kind, courteous, and patient with customers.
C. Save the last bullet for themselves."

"Half of the people in the world are below average."

"There's so much comedy on television.  Does that cause comedy in the streets?"

"Life in a vacuum sucks."

"I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better."

"Boundary, n.  In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another." -- Devil's Dictionary

"Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep 'till noon."

"Join the Army!  Travel to exotic, distant lands.  Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them."

"And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
  They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed."
  And Jesus replied, "What?""

"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin." -- David Letterman

"G M:    So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
S:      Yes, thirteen.
G M:    Thirteen!  Good lord, isn't that a burden?
S:      Well, I love my husband.
G M:    Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

"G:      "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB:     "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.""

"Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"
Then a voice answers "Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up."" - Calvan & Hobbes

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."" Calvan & Hobbes

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely."

"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up."

"Sacred cows make the best hamburger."

"Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope."

"Q: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to not change it."

"Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely.  I'm only going to do this once."

"Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home."

"There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't."

"Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?"

"Every morning is the dawn of a new error."

"For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord."

"The beatings will continue until morale improves."

"I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead."

"Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change."

"There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full."

"I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode."

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking."

"I don't have a solution but I admire the problem."

"Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out."

"If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished."

"Diplomacy: The art of letting someone have your way."

"If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?"

"If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me."

"If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms."

"Don't look back, they might be gaining on you."

"It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere."

"Help Wanted: Telepath.  You know where to apply."

"Budget: A method for going broke methodically."

"Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it."

"Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark."

"24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?"

"A closed mouth gathers no feet."

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."

"A king's castle is his home."

"A penny saved is ridiculous."

"All that glitters has a high refractive index."

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy."

"Anarchy is better than no government at all."

"Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object."

"As you read the scroll, it vanishes..."

"Automobile:  A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people."

"Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before."

"Brain:  The apparatus with which we think that we think."

"Courage is your greatest present need."

"Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired."

"Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'."

"Don't force it, get a larger hammer."

"Drive defensively -- buy a tank."

"Earn cash in your spare time---blackmail friends."

"Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality."

"God didn't create the world in 7 days.  He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th."

"Going the speed of light is bad for your age."

"He who hesitates is sometimes saved."

"Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it."

"History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other."

"If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed."

"If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!"

"Jury:  Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer."

"Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves."

"Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement."

"Quoting one is plagiarism.  Quoting many is research."

"Reality's the only obstacle to happiness."

"The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it."

"The road to success is always under construction."

"To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer."

"Today is the last day of your life so far."

"Wasting time is an important part of life."

"When in doubt, don't bother."

"When in doubt, ignore it."

"Crazy... I was crazy once.  They put me in a round room, but you can't die in a round room because there are no corners.  Then came the worms.  I don't like worms.  They make me CRAZY!   Crazy... I was crazy once..."

"God is a dog and Jesus is a susej(sausage), but if you're the Devil then you've really lived."

"Sanity is a cozy lie."

"I'll sleep when I'm dead."

"There is a war on, I'll sleep in October." -- Davil Gerrold

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." -- A. Einstein

"Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so."

"In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite."

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." -- A. Einstein

"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important."

"No one can earn a million dollars honestly."

"Everything has been figured out, except how to live."

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it."

"Good teaching is one-forth preparation and three-fourths theater."

"Behind every great fortune there is a crime."

"The cover of this book are too far apart." -- A. Bierce

"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" -- A. Lincoln

"Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."

"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." -- A. Capone

"The gods too are fond of a joke."

"It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man."

"How can I lose to such an idiot?"

"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."

"Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure."

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."

"Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives."

"Sanity is a madness put to good uses."

"In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take."

"Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers."

"I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!"

"If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?" "

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."

"The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins."

"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense."

"There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher."

"I was lucky in that people gave me reasons to hang on until the day I chose to save myself."

"Maybe now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and this time its not an oncoming train."

"NOTE: The real world is messy."

"Well, sorry, math doesn't work here."

"One man's 'magic' is another man's engineering. 'Supernatural' is a null word."

"A brute kills for pleasure. A fool kills from hate."

"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors--and miss."

"It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier."

"You live and learn. Or you don't live long."

"You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once."

"Your enemy is never a villain in his own eyes. Keep this in mind; it may offer a way to make him your friend. If not, you can kill him without hate--and quickly."

"No state has an inherent right to survive through conscript troops and, in the long run, no state ever has. Roman matrons used to say to their sons: 'Come back with your shield, or on it.' Later on, this custom declined. So did Rome."

"In a society in which it is a mortal offense to be different from your neighbors your only escape is never to let them find out."

"If you're going to make a mistake, you might as well make it going 100 miles an hour."

"Money isn't everything.  I've got money and I've got everything, and they're not the same."

"Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Play with abandon. Listen well. Choose without regret. Do what you love. Appreciate your friends. Act as if this is all there is."

"We may not be the only species on the planet but we sure do act like it."

"Better to die like a lion than to live like sheep"

"I'd forgotten how GOOD it feels to conquer a universe!"

"The dog has got more fun out of man than man has got out of the dog, for the clearly demonstrable reason that man is the more laughable of the two animals. The dog has long been bemused by the singular activities and the curious practices of men, cocking his head inquiringly to one side, intently watching and listening to the strangest goings-on in the world. He has seen men sing together and fight one another in the same evening. He has watched them go to bed when it is time to get up, and get up when it is time to go to bed. He has observed them destroying the soil in vast areas, and nurturing it in small patches. He has stood by while men built strong and solid houses for rest and quiet and then filled them with lights and bells and machinery. His sensitive nose, which can detect what's cooking in the next township, has caught at one and the same time the bewildering smells of the hospital and the munitions factory. He has seen men raise up great cities to heaven and then blow them to hell."

"The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that the warrior takes everything as a challenge while the ordinary man takes everything either as a blessing or a curse."

"You're less likely to die while sitting home in your armchair. Also less likely to live."

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."

"The difficult we do immediately. The impossible takes a little longer."

"The Earth is our mother; our nine months are up."

"If I Had My Life to Live Over, I'd dare to make more mistakes. I'd relax, I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones. You see, I'm one of those people who live sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I've had my moments, and if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat and a parachute. If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies."

"Men always fear things which move by themselves."

"A chicken is just one egg's way of making another egg."

"You're not a statesman! A statesman is a dead politician. Lord knows we need more statesmen!"

"The trouble with a rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."

"God put me here with certain things to do and right now I'm so far behind, I'll probably never die."

"But enough about me. Let's talk about YOU. What do YOU think of me?"

"Football combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings."

"If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them."

"If you don't know where you are, a map won't help."

"Some people dress for comfort. Some people dress for style. Some people dress because it's the law."

"The first rule of gun fighting is-bring a gun."

"I sit beside the fire and think of people long ago, and of people who will see a world that I shall never know."

"The truth of the matter is, I talk to God all the time, and no offense, but he's never mentioned you."

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream at night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that is was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes to make it possible."

"Never let anyone drive you crazy when you know that it is within walking distance."

"Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature."

"Daddy, what does 'FORMATTING DRIVE C' mean?"

"Why do they call this a word processor? It's simple...you've seen what food processors do to food, right?"

"A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking red light."

"Hardware: the parts of a computer system that can be kicked."

"I hit the CTRL key, but I'm still not in control!"

"Error: keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue."

"Who's General Failure and why is he reading my disk?"

"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals." -- Patton

"Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life."

"It's silly to go on pretending that under the skin we are all brothers. The truth is more likely that under the skin we are all cannibals, assassins, traitors, liars, hypocrites, poltroons."

"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it." -- Patton

"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." -- Patton

"One useless man is a disgrace, two are called a law firm, and three, or more, become a congress"

"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."

"For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism."

"He who hesitates is probably right."

"Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with."

"No one is listening until you make a mistake."

"Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view."

"The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it."

"The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread."

"The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach."

"To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles."

"Two wrongs are only the beginning."

"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."

"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."

"Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life."

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

"Change is inevitable....except from vending machines."

"Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things."

"Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation."

"Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."

"Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!"

"If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments."

"How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands...."

"Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!"

"Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals.""

"Death to all fanatics!"

"Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo."

"Chastity is curable, if detected early."

"Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener."

"Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks."

"Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now."

"Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back."

"99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name."

"42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot."

"A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good."

"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."

"The higher the leap, the harder the ground"

"First we kill all the lawyers"

"You can't trip a dog--too many legs."

"I don't have anything against geeks. I was one for 11 years!  I used to think PC's were the greatest thing since sliced bread...  Then someone showed me sliced bread."

"In this life he laughs longest who laughs last."

"Poetry is a mixture of common sense, which not all have, with an uncommon sense, which very few have."

"Success is the brand on the brow of a man who has aimed too low."

"Life is a long headache in a noisy street."

"Rise, Brothers! Come let us possess this land. Never say: "Let well enough alone" . . . Be discontented. Be dissatisfied."

"Poetry is not an expression of the party line. It's that time of night, lying in bed, thinking what you really think, making the private world public, that's what the poet does."

"Whoever controls the media -- the images -- controls the culture."

"We real cool.
 We Left school.
 We Lurk late.
 We Strike straight.
 We Sing sin.
 We Thin gin.
 We Jazz June.
 We Die soon."

"A fool may talk, but a wise man speaks."

"He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the gift of the power to use them"

"The world goes up and the world goes down,
And the sunshine follows the rain;
And yesterday's sneer and yesterday's frown
Can never come over again."

"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked."

"Life is very nice, but it lacks form. It's the aim of art to give it some."

"To say yes, you have to sweat and roll up your sleeves and plunge both hands into life up to the elbows. It's easy to say no, even if it means dying."

"Reason, I sacrifice you to the evening breeze."

"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get , and some may be poisonous! or have a razor blade in them! or maybe really little bombs... Naw, life is just random, not like a box of chocolates."

"Showing up at school already able to read is like showing up at the undertaker's already embalmed: people start worrying about being put out of their jobs."

"Modern educational theory dismisses the use of fear as a means of inducing learning in adolescents. I know that all my children enjoyed school much more than I did. On the other hand, none of them knows how to multiply and divide fractions."

"A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car, but if he has a university education he may steal the whole railroad."

"But, good gracious, you've got to educate him first. You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school."

"School is where you go between when your parents can't take you and industry can't take you."

"The only big ideas I've ever had have come from daydreaming, but modern life keeps people from daydreaming. Every moment of the day your mind is being occupied, controlled, by it someone else - at school, at work, watching television."

"Death and taxes may be certain, but we don't have to die every year."

"Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love"

"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."

"You can't be a Real Country unless you have a BEER and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER." -- Frank Zappa

"Banks are a place that will lend you money, if you prove that you don't need it."

"When 25 percent of the population believe that the president should be impeached and 51 percent believe in UFO's, you may or may not need a new president, but you definitely need a new population."

"The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering"

"Bull is what makes the world go 'round."

"There are three kinds of people in this world:
 Those who make things happen;
 Those who watch things happen;
 And those that wonder what happened."

"When you're arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing."

"Happiness is not having what you want. It's wanting what you have."

"Information is not knowledge, knowledge is not wisdom, wisdom is not truth, truth is not beauty, beauty is not love"

"Not everybody knows everything, so use everything you know."

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."

"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul."

"Sometimes you're the bug, sometimes you're the windshield."

"Put your brain in gear, before you put your mouth in motion."

"Those who hammer their guns into plows, will plow for those who don't."

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out alive."

"Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward."

"'Come to the edge,' he said.
They said, 'We are afraid.'
'Come to the edge,' he said.
They came
He pushed them. . .
And they flew" -- C. Dickens

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but you by any other name would still be a jerk"

"Life's a bitch and then you die.  Then you go to hell and fry!"

"Never in American History is the freedom of speech more valued then when a man hits his thumb with a hammer."

"At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest." -- Japanese Proverb

"I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense."

"Avoid reality at all costs."

"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."

"Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy."

"All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power"

"All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies."

"People who used magic without knowing what they were doing usually came to a sticky end. All over the entire room, sometimes."

"DROP THE SCYTHE, AND TURN AROUND SLOWLY!"

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."

"Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!" -- Brazil

"First there was WWI, then WWII now we have the WWW."

"Life without danger is a waste of oxygen."

"The truth is out there? Anyone know the URL?"

"Politics: Poli (many) - tics (blood sucking parasites)"

"You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless mailed"

"Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!"

"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."

"Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw..."

"Breathing may be hazardous to your health."

"Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?"

"Gravity doesn't exist. Earth sucks."

"I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!"

"I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem."

"I think, therefore I am. I think."

"I think. Therefore I am DANGEROUS."

"I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit."

"I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect."

"I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing."

"If it works, tear it apart and find out why!"

"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"

"If you're not confused, you're not paying attention."

"In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death."

"It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!"

"You show the sensitivity of a Medieval Dentist."

"Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over."

"We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated."

"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off."

"When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!" -- Irish Toast

"Here's to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold beer-and another one!" -- Irish Toast

"Best while you have it use your breath.  There is no drinking after death." -- Irish Toast

"He that buys land buys many stones.
He that buys flesh buys many bones.
He that buys eggs buys many shells,
But he that buys good beer buys nothing else." -- Irish Toast

"An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass and not Fall off the face of the earth." -- Irish Toast

"The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk they're sober."

"In heaven there is no beer...  That's why we drink ours here." -- Irish Toast

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

"I like beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate a major event such as the fall of communism or the fact that the refrigerator is still working."

"Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer."

"'Are you a dream?' - 'A dream to some, A nightmare to others!'" -- Merlin (Excalaber)

"Light a candle for the sinners, light the world on fire" -- M. Manson

"Go ahead and build a better messiah, we can dig another grave." M. Manson

"Hell:  Been there, Done that, Got the T-shirt, Took over."

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."

"I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit."

"Better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven."

"'Four Aces, beat that' - '.44 Mag beats four Aces'"

"Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword."

"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.'"

"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."

"I am not asking you to live in sin, just visit for a while."

"If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, is Bambi squashed beneath it any less dead?"

"Each person rises to his own level of incompetence and remains there."

"When all of your wishes are granted, many of your dreams will be destroyed" M. Manson

"When you are suffering, remember that, I have betrayed you." M. Manson

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."

"We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it."

"We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak."

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." -- W. C. Fields

"Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win."

"They talk most who have the least to say."

"A nuclear power plant is infinently safer than eating, because 300 people choke to death on food every year. "

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe."

"We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by."

"People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little."

"Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to."

"Only the winners decide what were war crimes." -- A. Hitler

"The victor will never be asked if he told the truth." -- A. Hitler

"What luck for the rulers that men do not think." -- A. Hitler

"Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong." -- A. Hitler

"The great masses of the people... will more easily fall victims to a big lie than to a small one." -- A. Hitler

"If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich." -- JFK

"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity."

"My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition."

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing."

"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."

"Sow a thought, and you reap an act; Sow an act, and you reap a habit; Sow a habit, and you reap a character; Sow a character, and you reap a destiny."

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail."

"You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth."

"Use what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best."

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

"We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey."

"In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one of the risks he takes."

"Advertising is the principal reason why the business man has come to inherit the earth."

"Think? Why think! We have computers and televisions to do that for us."

"One sign of maturity is the ability to be comfortable with people who are not like us."

"Out of confusion comes chaos. Out of chaos comes anarchy and fear. Then comes lunch."

"The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, and there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence. Yet, government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words."

"Hell, there are no rules here--we're trying to accomplish something."

"The secret to life is that there is no secret."

"The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground...."

"Not all those who wonder are lost."

"What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?"

"Sleep... Oh! how I loathe those little slices of death...."

"To save your world you asked this man to die;
Would this man, could he see you now, ask why?" - "Epitaph for an Unknown Soldier"

"Never deprive someone of hope -- it may be all they have."

"Life is a tale told by an idiot -- full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

"The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards."

"Change is good, but dollars are better."

"I have decided that suicide is completely out of the question. I refuse to end the suffering of others... No, I must contemplate homicide and end the suffering of one... ME!!!"

"By means of shrewd lies, unremittingly repeated, it is possible to make people believe that heaven is hell -- and hell heaven. The greater the lie, the more readily it will be believed." -- A. Hitler

"Ninety percent of everything is crap."

"If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

"When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not Guilty.'"

"It sounds good if you say it fast."

"If the Devil can get into the church, nine times out of ten he'll come in through the choir."

"He was such a good man that people hated to see him coming."

"The common cold, if left untreated, lasts about two weeks. If treated with medication and rest, it lasts about fourteen days."

"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."

"First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks."

"Driving down Hollywood Boulevard is like riding through a sewer in a glass-bottom boat."

"If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives!"

"'your words were ill conceived,' I said.  'Not true, 'he said, 'I considered all of them thoroughly. I just thought it would be interesting to say what I really felt for a change'" -- Roger Zelanzy

"'You're Hell's Angels, then?' asked Big Ted.  The four strangers nodded.  'What chapter are you from, then?'  'Revelations,' he [the tall stranger] said, ' Chapter six.' - 'Verses two to eight,' added the boy in white, helpfully." -- Good Omens

"'Don't think of it as dying,' said Death, 'Just think of it as leaving early to avoid the rush.'" -- Good Omens

"Don't run, the bullet will catch you soon enough"

"Dexter: creating a better you for society by destroying your individuality and crushing your spirit" -- Dave Thompson

"Non-conformity shall always be forced to battle those who wish to destroy individuality. We may be no more than a passing effect of that war, but do not forget that it rages on always. Never let those around you force you into their molds, never let them crush your spirit. You must fight perpetually, for if you cease for but a moment, you will be swept up by the current of majority rules." -- Henk Doorn

"It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time."

"So much to say, so much to ask, yet so few words and so little time." -- Geoff

"Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for."

"If you see someone smile when everything goes wrong, then they have someone in mind to blame."

"Never argue with an idiot.  They will only drag you down to there level and then beat you with experience."

"Some people are only alive because it is against the law to shoot them!"

"If you kill someone and it makes the world a better place, is it so wrong?"

"Someone who thinks logically is in contrast to the rest of the world."

"Death is not the enemy; living in constant fear of it is."

"Death not merely ends life, it also bestows upon it a silent completeness, snatched from the hazardous flux to which all things human are subject."

"The passing years bring with them a great number of disadvantages--death being of one of the most hazardous."

"To die is poignantly bitter, but the idea of having to die without having lived is unbearable."

"Death? Why this fuss about death? Use your imagination, try to visualize a world without death!...Death is the essential condition of life, not an evil."

"It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you are dead, you are made for life."

"To me death is not a fearful thing. It's living that's cursed."

"Watching a peaceful death of a human being reminds us of a falling star; one of a million lights in a vast sky that flares up for a brief moment only to disappear into the endless night forever."

"It's a blessing to die for a cause, because you can so easily die for nothing."

"One of the drawbacks of old age is that one outlives his generation and feels alone in the world. The new generations have interests of their own, and are no more in sympathy with you than you are with them. The octogenarian has no alternative but to live in the past. He lives with the dead, and they pull him down."

"Was she old? When they lit all of the candles on her birthday cake, six people were overcome with the heat."

"I promise to keep on living as though I expected to live forever. Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years. People grow old only by deserting their ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up interest wrinkles the soul."

"Which of you is going to step up and put me out to pasture?" -- J. Wane

"A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams."

"Among the most truly responsible for all people are artists and revolutionaries, for they most of all are prepared to pay with their lives."

"In every child who is born, under no matter what circumstances, and of no matter what parents, the potentiality of the human race is born again."

"In the nineteenth century the problem was that God is dead; in the twentieth century the problem is that man is dead."

"When morality comes up against profit, it is seldom that profit loses."

"America will tolerate the taking of human life without giving it a second thought. But don't misuse a household pet."

"It doesn't pay well to fight for what we believe in."

"Don't let the truth get in the way of a good story, in fact, never let the truth get INTO a good story." -- J. Hudzik

"Rum and Duct tape---the Sailors only true friends!"

"one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs."

"Voting for the lesser of two evils only ensures that evil will prevail!"

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,  that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."

"Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure." -- Devil's Dictionary

"Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol."

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank  her."

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

"Whoever said the hand is quicker than the eye obviously never tried rolling them down a ramp."

"And what is the Scientific Community doing about these problems, young people? THEY'RE CLONING SHEEP. Great! Just what we need! Sheep that look MORE ALIKE than they already do! Thanks a lot, Scientific Community!"

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy."

"never trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die."

"Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?"

"Man it's cold in Cleveland in the winter. What ever happened with this global warming thing? I don't feel it. Every day in the winter I'm outside with my aerosol can, spraying. Fuck the grandchildren! I'm cold now!"

"FROM THE DESK OF TOTO:
Dear Dorothy,
Hate Oz,
Took the shoes,
Find your own way home.
    ~Toto"

"The whole world is about three drinks behind"

"With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress."

"According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death.  Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy."

"One out of every four people in this world is mentally unstable. Think of your three best friends. If they seem normal, you're the one."

"The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do."

"I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered all over the beaches of the world........Maybe you've seen it"

"The most dangerous thing in the world is to try to leap a chasm in two jumps."

"Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change--this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress."

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world. The unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."

"The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently."

"Weep not that the world changes--did it keep a stable, changeless state, it were a cause indeed to weep."

"It has always seemed to me that the most difficult part of building a bridge would be the start."

"Races didn't bother the Americans. They were something a lot better than any race. They were a People. They were the first self-constituted, self-declared, self-created People in the history of the world."

"Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got a hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations."

"One ought, everyday, to hear a song, read a fine poem, and, if possible, to speak a few reasonable words."

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?"

"To change one's life: 1. Start immediately, 2. Do it flamboyantly, 3. No exceptions."

"You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one."

"It is only imperfection that complains of what is imperfect. The more perfect we are, the more gentle and quiet we become towards the defects of others."

"Had I to carve an inscription on my tombstone I would ask for none other than 'The Individual.'"

"I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do."

"love mankind; it's people I can't stand."

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."

"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position."

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."

"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted."

"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector."

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."

"No good deed goes unpunished." -- C. Luce

"The simplest act of surrealism is to walk out into the street, gun in hand, and shoot at random." -- A. Breton

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right." --A. Brilliant

"You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners." -- R. Brown

"An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought." -- S. Cameron

"He who hesitates is probably smart... or maybe stapled to the floor." -- Dr. Squid

"The only absolute knowledge worth attaining is that your life is meaningless. -- My life? Well now, that's another story..." -- Dr. Squid

"If the destination is heaven, why do we scramble to be first in line for hell?" -- Doug Horton

"Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other."

"Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if you run out of food."

"All lies are told with a straight face. It is truth that's said with a dismissive giggle."

"Power does not corrupt. Fear corrupts... perhaps the fear of a loss of power."

"Never tell the truth to those unworthy of it."

"Beat your own and others will fear you."

"Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective."

"Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs."

"George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him? Because George still had the ax in his hand."

"Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to."

"Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots."

"We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken out and shot."

"When the government fears the people, we have liberty. When the people fear the government, we have tyranny."

"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid."

"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."

"After I'm dead, I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one."

"When you hate daylight, when you hate anything, you will develop a sort of ambiguity about life and you get reckless in your habits. You overeat. You take dope. You fall in love with a bad person. You declare war against society"

"But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?"

"At one point we decided to fight fire with fire. Well... basically... your house burned even faster." -- Anon Ex-Fireman

"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence, There's a knob called brightness, but it doesn't work." -- Galliger

"The best work in the world is done by people who's bosses don't know what they're doing."

"Sometimes I lie awake at night in my bed and I watch the stars, and I wonder, where the heck is my ceiling?"

"We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough."

"I bought some poison to kill some bugs, when I took off the cap I had to remove a tamper seal... Is this to keep someone from putting something bad in there?"

"People everywhere enjoy believing things that they know are not true. It spares them the ordeal of thinking for themselves and taking responsibility for what they know."

"There is nothing so powerful as truth, and often nothing so strange."

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."

"That which does kill me, should've."

"All truths are, for me, soaked in blood."

"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his rib cage"

"I should just play god and shoot you myself" -- Tool

"Before God we are all equally wise -- and equally foolish." -- A. Einstein

"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler." -- A. Einstein

"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world." -- A. Einstein

"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed." -- A. Einstein

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity." -- A. Einstein

"Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction."

"It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem."

"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."

"There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to."

"The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do."

"There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives."

"The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe."

"Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance."

"A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip."

"An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible."

"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence" -- Time Bandits

"Laugh at your problems; everybody else does."

"The secret of the universe is *)^^%%*!! NO CARRIER!"

"From an IBM maintenance manual (1925): 'By all means, do not use a hammer.'"

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education." -- Albert Einstein

"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target."

"When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers." -- The Wall Street Journal

"Out of the gloom and darkness a voice appeared and said 'Smile and be happy, for things could be worse.' So I smiled and was happy, and lo things became worse."

"The First Law of Engineering: Hit it with a bigger hammer."

"If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?"

"A nuclear war will not determine who is right, but who is left."

"God only said that we had to love everyone, he never said anyting about liking them."

"I kept on digging the hole deeper and deeper looking for the treasure chest until I finally lifted my head, looked up and realised that I had dug my own grave." -- Dominic

"wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me." -- R. Geis

"I'm gonna live forever, or die trying." -- Joseph Heller

"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery -- drive fast and join the scenery." -- Doug Horton

"While seeking revenge, dig two graves -- one for yourself." -- Doug Horton

"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance." -- Franklin P. Jones

"If you do not destroy me, I will only become stronger.  So go ahead, attack, just don't be surprised when I retaliate, for you have made me who I am" -- Geoff

"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it." -- Ashleigh Brilliant

"It is impossible to defend perfectly against the attack of those who want to die."

"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to." -- Elvis Presley

"In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary, "patriotism" is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer, I beg to submit that it is the first." -- Ambrose Bierce

"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite." -- John Kenneth Galbraith

"How can you expect to govern a country that has two hundred and forty-six kinds of cheese?" -- Charles de Gaulle

"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police." -- Jeff Marder

"There will be no justice as long as man will stand with a knife or with a gun and destroy those who are weaker than he is." -- Isaac Bashevis Singer

"Capitalism is the unequal distribution of wealth -- communism is the equal distribution of poverty."

"People do not resist change -- they resist being changed."

"May the wind that guides you to your future always pushing you twords happiness, and freedom" -- Geoff

"She is hot enough to look past personality" -- Richard A. DeLong

" Everyday, the two colonels that I worked for would argue about the best way to see Germany--by train or by car. One day they deccided to let me decide the argument and after conssiderable thought I decided that for my money, the best way to see Germany was through a Norden Bomb Site." -- Roadhog

"Information Superhighway is really an acronym for 'Interactive Network For Organizing, Retrieving, Manipulating, Accessing And Transferring Information On National Systems, Unleashing Practically Every Rebellious Human Intelligence, Gratifying Hackers, Wiseacres, And Yahoos'." -- Keven Kwaku

"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm"

"Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese"

"I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week"

"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met"

"I intend to live forever - so far, so good"

"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"

"Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have"

"Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion."

"The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes."

"When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery."

"How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?"

"For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain."

"OK, so what's the speed of dark?"

"I am mature for my age, as long as I am not being imature at the time" -- Richard A. DeLong

"The quest is the answer, the end of the quest has no meaning" - Geoff

"I would feel better if is was not working" - Geoff

"Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss. Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians."

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it." - Franklin P. Jones

"He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death."

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true." - Irving Caesar

"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." - Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose." - Darrin Weinberg

"When I was fourteen years old, I was amazed at how unintelligent my father was. By the time I turned twenty-one, I was astounded how much he had learned in the last seven years." - Mark Twain

"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." - Stephen F Roberts

"Two thirds of Americans can't do fractions.  The other half, just doesn't care."

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." - Ellen DeGeneres

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' " - Paula Poundstone

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." - Jeff Stilson

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." - Lynda Montgomery

"When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice." - Old Indian saying

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." - Plato

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to he man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

"The only man who behaved sensibly was my tailor; he took my measurements anew every time he saw me, while all the rest went on with their old measurements and expected them to fit me." - George Bernard Shaw

"One of the oldest human needs is to have someone to wonder where you are when you don't come home at night" - Margaret Mead

"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn." - T.H. White

"Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly."

"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect." - George Carlin

"Life is like an onion; you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep." - Carl Sandburg

"Fall seven times, stand up eight." -Japanese Proverb

"Die when I may, I want it said of me by those who knew me best, that I always plucked a thistle and planted a flower where I thought a flower would grow." -Abraham Lincoln

"If a man hasn't discovered something he will die for, he isn't fit to live." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Who knows the joys that lie ahead, the secret smiles I'll find, the friends I'll meet, the memories sweet, the cares I'll leave behind? Who knows the beauty of the days I've never seen before... My only wish for life is this- the courage to explore!" - anon

"What really interests me is whether God had any choice in creating the world." - Albert Einstein

"Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can break my heart." -Robert Fulghum

"Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry" - Mark Twain

"If you're already walking on thin ice, you might as well dance." - Gil Atkinson

"Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts." - unknown

"The most important things to do in the world are to get something to eat, something to drink and somebody to love you." - Brandan Behan

"I don't have the time to be who you want me to be anymore. I'm my own person now. I love you just because I'm supposed to, but don't ever think I wanted to. I need my life back. I'm gonna get it too. I owe that to me and I owe nothing to you..." --Sam, from the play "Between"

"I should like to lie at your feet and die in your arms." - Voltaire

"Suidcie would be worth a try, if it wasn't so permanent." - Richard A. DeLong

"I must not fear.  Fear is the mind killer.  Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.  I will face my fear.   I will permit it to pass over me and through me.  And when it has gone part I will turn the inner eye to see its path.  Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.  Only I will remain."  Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear - Dune

"You've heard of animals chewing off a leg to escape a trap?  There's an animal kind of trick.  A human would remain in the trap, endure pain, feigning death that he might kill the trapper and remove a threat to his kind."  Reverend Mother Gaius Helen Mohiam - Dune

 "Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages." -- H.L. Mencken

"If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world?" -- Richard M. Nixon

"An asylum for the sane would be empty in America."

"America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks."

"The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents." -- Nathaniel Borenstein

"Procrastinators will rule the World.......Someday."

"Honour those dragons heed, In thought and favour, word and deed.  Worlds are lost or worlds are saved, from those dangers dragon-braved."

"The herd will know my power, and will heed my commands." -- Anime Madness Card

"These fools are no more dangerous than the average housefly... Okay, a really, really large housefly." -- Anime Madness Card

"Lemme get this straight... You're a group of really big guys whose only desire is to rip things in half. I've taken naps more dangerous than you fools." -- Anime Madness Card

"Bah, this stuff can't kill me! I'm one of the main characters!" -- Anime Madness Card

"Teflon(r) Body Armor, unlike its Kevlar(r) cousin, is also non-stick!" -- Anime Madness Card

"It is a truly rare individual who can wear shades indoors and not bump into things." -- Anime Madness Card

"Speak softly and carry a machine gun. Well, if you're carrying a machine gun, you might as well scream a lot, too." -- Anime Madness Card

"That's right, fanboy! Worship me as the god I so obviously am! Bwahahaha!" -- Anime Madness Card

"That was gross! Not that I'm complaining, mind you." -- Anime Madness Card

"Fame lasts only as long as the audience does." -- Anime Madness Card

"Megalomania: n. The art of invading Russia..."

"Soooo, what's yer sign? {Slap!} Soooo, wanna drink? {Slap slap slap!} I'm gonna take that as a 'no.'" -- Anime Madness Card

"His name has been on the lips of generations... what was it again?"

"World domination isn't as easy as it looks... Unless you have an army of completely brainless killing machine at your fingertips. Then it's pretty easy."

"This is what we call '47 seconds of fame.'  Don't get too excited; it's only 30 seconds long, and pretty mediocre."

"We must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it, but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor." --Oliver Wendell Holmes

"P.S. If you do not receive this, of course it must have miscarried: therefore I beg you write and let me know." -- Sir Boyle Roche, 18th century

"An easy way to do a job will only become apparent after the job has been done - the hard way" -- Ennovy's Law#1

"The proper tool for the job is the one you spent half an hour searching for while someone else does the job with an old knife and a pair of scissors" -- Ennovy's Law#2

"There is no abstract art.  You must always start with something.  Afterward you can remove all traces of reality" - Pablo Picasso

"You have to stop looking for stability in the world and yourself,  because there is none, and there shouldn't be" - Fiona Apple

"There is more than one kind of freedom.  Freedom to and freedom from.  In the days of anarchy, it was freedom to.  Now you are being given freedom from.  Don't underrate it." - The Handmaid's Tale

"Our biggest mistake was teaching them to read.  We won't do that again."

"Another sentimental argument and bitter love, fucked without a kiss again, drag it through the mud" -- Green Day

"Give us this day our daily masks" --Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead

"The first ninety percent of a task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent."

"There is something ethically wrong in charging money to see a grave"

"If everything is going well, don't be frightened, it won't last long"

"Yes, I have tricks in my pocket, I have things up my sleeve.  But I am opposite of a stage magician.  He gives you illusion that has the appearance of truth.  I give you truth in the pleasant disguise of illusion" -- The Glass Menagerie

"He was a telephone man who fell in love with long distances; he gave up his job with to telephone company and skipped the light fantastic out of town" -- The Glass Menagerie

"For nowadays the world is lit by lightning!  Blow out you candles, and so good-bye." -- The Glass Menagerie.

"It's no world for any old man any longer, and that means that I'm not one bit scared of you, my boyos, because I'm too drunk to feel pain if you hit me, and if you kill me I'll be glad to be dead." -- A Clockwork Orange.

"Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?" -- Steve Wright

"If life hands you lemons, throw them at idiots walking by, 'cause no one is going to stop at your crappy lemonade stand anyway." -- Cris Rinder Knecht

"You haven't lived until you have loved; and if you can get through that, you are capable of making it though anything." -- Hayley Kalvin


"This is the beginning of a new day, and it is a day in my life" -- Hannah Brown

"Be it...Don't dream it." -- Rocky Horror Picture Show

"Life is like chess, once a move is made it cannot be taken back.  You can only go forward and deal with what you have done" -- Hannah Brown

"I'm not sleeping in school, I'm rationing my consciousness" -- Hannah Brown

"No time for the old in-out, love.  I've just come to read the meter."  -- A Clockwork Orange

"Hear angel trumpets and devil trombones." -- A Clockwork Orange

"Look out for your chances to try to get away, When voices scream inside your head, just turn your amp up all the way."

"Life sucks and then you die. To prove me wrong, please send a check to my house."

"Nobody knows where I was, and now I am no longer there" -- Gwendolyn Brooks

"... but why will you say that I am mad?  The disease had sharpened my senses -- not destroyed -- not dulled them." -- Edgar Allan Poe
 
"The glance of a serpent could not have produced a greater effect." -- James Rhymer

"Come burrow though my ruins, shed not a tear." -- Baudelaire

"Life:  A cosmic joke and I'm the butt of it.  The gods are rolling with laughter." -- Geoff

"'Henry, have you made your peace with god?' - 'Why, aunt, I didn't know we had ever quarreled"

"You can't be someone else.  Not from the way you've operated, without memory even.  No, I'll bet your life on it" -- Roger Zelanzny

"As intelligent as a freshman in the high school of your choice -- sorry, kids, but what I mean is they were loyal, devoted, honest, and too easily screwed by bastards like me and my brother.  I felt like the dee-jay of your choice."  -- Roger Zelanzny

"You're gonna rot in heaven, hear an Angels voice.  You're too bad for hell although it's your first choice"  -- Suicidal Tendencies

"How will I laugh tomorrow - if I can't even smile today" -- Suicidal Tendencies

"Rot in heaven, you're too bad for hell
 Rot in heaven, cause you're fogiven in hell" -- Suicidal Tendencies

"Ah damn, we got a lot of stupid people
Doing a lot of stupid things
Thinking a lot of stpuid thoughts
And if you want to see one
Just look in the mirror" -- Suicidal Tendencies

"Always an emotion, but how can I explain-how can I explain
Kind of like the scent of a rose with words I can't explain
The same with my pain" -- Suicidal Tendencies

"He's a carrier of death, a stork in reverse" -- Suicidal Tendencies

"Two wrongs don't make a right but they make me feel a whole lot better" -- Suicidal Tendencies

"Who the hell you calling crazy?  You wouldn't know what crazy was if Charles Manson was eating fruit loops on your front porch" -- Suicidal Tendencies

"Before you go taking a walk in my world you better take a look at the real world.  Cause this ain't no Mister Roger's Neighborhood." -- Suicidal Tendencies

"Can you say "feel like shit?"  Yea maybe sometimes I do feel like shit I ain't happy 'bout it, but I'd rather feel like shit than be full of shit!  And if I offended you, oh I'm sorry but maybe you need to be offended but here's my apology and one more thing...fuck you!" -- Suicidal Tendencies

Warning: "This site may contain explicit descriptions of, or may advocate one or more of the following: nudity, satanism, suicide, sodomy, incest, bestiality, sadomasochism, adultery, murder, morbid violence, bad grammar, or any deviate sexual conduct in a violent context, or the use of illegal drugs or alcohol. But then again, it may not. Who knows." -- Cult Of The Dead Cow

"So.... One way or another, you've found us... Followed the digital hoofmarks to the big green pasture in this TechnoWasteland...." -- Cult Of The Dead Cow

"Sorry, train of thought ran out of track" -- Geoff

"That" -- All the people who said "You should put that in Unrelevence"

"My mind?  In the gutter?  Oh no, you are mistaken, my mind is past through the gutter,  down the sewers and out to sea... WAY out to sea.  When is it coming back?  Oh, I don't think it really wants to." -- Geoff

"Misery no longer loves company, Nowadays it insists upon it." -- Russell Baker

"On the 8th day, God created bagpipes" -- Scottish tee-shirt

"On the 9th day, God created drummers, to keep the pipers in step" -- Scottish tee-shirt

"I'm Scott-Irish.  Half of me likes to drink, half of me refuses to pay for it."

"'It's a Irish tradition to drink a pint of Guinness' - 'Well, I think it's a Celtic tradition to drink a pint of Guinness, it's a Irish tradition to drink twenty or thirty'"

"What has always made the state a hell on earth has been precisely that man has tried to make it his heaven." -- F. Holderlin

"Climb the rope of life until your hands bleed." - J. Rex

"Somebody has to do something, and it's just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us." -- Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead

"A generation which ignores history has no past and no future."

"Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark."

"Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny."

"The two highest achievements of the human mind are the twin concepts of "loyalty" and "duty". Whenever these twin concepts fall into direpute -- get out of there fast! You may possibly save yourself, but it is too late to save that society. It is doomed."

"A weapon is a device for making your enemy change his mind."

"A Smith and Wesson beats four aces." -- Poker Rule No. 1

"Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past." -- George Orwell - "1984"

"Masses create movements; individuals exploit them."

"Remember there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. " -- Frank Zappa

"Facts are stubborn things, and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence." -- John Adams

"When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators." -- P.J. O'Rourke

"A man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life." -- Muhammed Ali

"I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it." -- Jonathan Winters

"Sometimes you need to look reality in the eye, and deny it." -- Garrison Keillor

"If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can use either one, it's a miracle."

"Entitlement programs are nothing new. My father had an entitlement program: The day after we graduated he told us if we preferred to starve instead of work, we're entitled."

"In no other profession are the penalties for employing untrained personnel so appalling or so irrevocable as in the military." -- General Douglas MacArthur

"We have not succeeded in answering all of our problems - indeed, we have not completely answered any of them. The answers we have found have only served to raise a whole new set of questions. In some ways we feel we are as confused as ever, but we think we are confused on a much higher level about more important things."

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."

"Remember: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less."

"You will be poor and unhappy until you are 45 years old," the fortune teller told the man, who asked, "Then what?" Said she: "By then you'll be used to it."

"In reference to another player's mental faculties, the player replied, 'He ain't no rocket surgeon.'"

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."

"It is bad luck to be superstitious."

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

"...to disarm the people (is) the best and most effective way to enslave them..."

"The great object is that every man be armed. Everyone who is able may have a gun."

"Those who have long enjoyed such privileges as we enjoy forget in time that men have died to win them."

"Taking my gun away because I might shoot someone is like cutting my tongue out just because I might yell, "Fire!" in a crowded theater."

"When even one American - who has done nothing wrong - is forced by fear to shut his mind and close his mouth, then all Americans are in peril."

"REVOLUTION, n. A bursting of the boilers which usually takes place when the safety valve of public discussion is closed." -- Ambrose Bierce - "The Enlarged Devil's Dictionary"

"I am a revolutionist by birth, reading, and principle. I am always on the side of the revolutionists because there never was a revolution unless there were some oppressive and intolerable conditions against which to revolute."

"The strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone."

"To those who had ordered them to death one of them said: 'We die because the people are asleep and you will die because the people will awaken."

"Liberty isn't a thing you are given as a present. You can be a free man under a dictatorship. It is sufficient if you struggle against it."

"I heartily accept the motto, 'That government is best which governs least'; ... Carried out, it finally amounts to this, which also I believe-- 'That government is best which governs not at all'; and when men are prepared for it, that will be the kind of government they will have."

"Government is an association of men who do violence to the rest of us."

"If it were true that a heavy concentration of industry is destructive to human life, one would find life expectancy declining in the more advanced countries. But it has been rising steadily. Here are the figures on life expectancy in the United States:
     1900 - 47.3 years
     1920 - 53 years
     1940 - 60 years
     1968 - 70.2 years (the latest figures compiled [as of January 1971])
     Anyone over 30 years of age today, give a silent "Thank you" to the nearest, grimiest, sootiest smokestacks you can find."

"Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, 'Thank God I'm still alive.' But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again."

"Before I give you the benefit of my remarks, I'd like to know what we're talking about."

"I don't want to beat a dead horse to death."

"This mortality rate is killing us!"

"I'm not sure if I understand the question, but I agree with you."

"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police."

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass--and I'm just the one to do it."

"He's trying to take the decision out of the hands of twelve honest men and give it to 435 Congressmen!"

"I didn't say that I didn't say it. I said that I didn't say that I said it. I want to make that very clear."

"We must restore to Chicago all the good things it never had."

"Get the thing straight once and for all. The policeman isn't there to create disorder. The policeman is there to preserve disorder."

"This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected."

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."

"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been."

"I always wait until a jury has spoken before I anticipate what they will do."

"... hazards are one of the main causes of accidents."

"And what is more, I agree with everything that I have just said."

"Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans."

"I think that we're on the road to coming up with answers that I don't think any of us in total feel we have the answers to."

"[I want to] make sure everybody who has a job wants a job."

"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."

"[That report was]... a wholly garbled version of what never took place."

"I never said I had no idea about most of the things you said I said I had no idea about."

"We on this side of the House are not such fools as we look."

"If crime went down 100%, it would still be fifty times higher than it should be."

"I'm not a person, I'm a lady!"

"... casual drug users ought to be taken out and shot."

"[Hijackers should be given] a rapid trial... with due process of law at the airport, then hanged."

"I move, Mr. Chairman, that all fire extinguishers be examined ten days before every fire."

"I've lived under situations where every decent man declared war first and I've lived under situations where you don't declare war.  We've been flexible enough to kill people without declaring war."

"[I ask you to] work together with me for a better life for oil.. I mean all."

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex... uh ... setbacks." -- George Bush

"I have opinions, strong ones, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I agree with them."

"You hear about constitutional rights, free speech, and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist!" You never hear a real American talk like that."

"The President is aware of what is going on. That's not to say there is something going on."

"If I tell a lie it's only because I think I'm telling the truth."

"Why can't the Jews and the Arabs just sit down together and settle this like good Christians?"

"To hell with the public! I'm here to represent the people!"

"In a general way, we try to anticipate some of your questions so that I can respond "No comment" with some degree of knowledge."

"Have we gone beyond the bounds of reasonable dishonesty?" -- CIA Memo

"I say this a lot, and I probably shouldn't: the difference between rape and seduction is salesmanship."

"These are not my figures I'm quoting. They're from someone who knows what he's talking about."

"I do not feel that we should allow a shortage of funds to prevent cities from financing needed projects."

"I don't know anyone here that's been killed with a handgun."

"Let's call a shovel a shovel, no matter who we hit."

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago."

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

"The Internet is a great way to get on the net."

"A billion here, a billion there -- sooner or later it adds up to real money."

"In peace sons bury their fathers, but in war fathers bury their sons."

"Motherhood is neither a duty nor a privilege, but simply the way that humanity can satisfy the desire for physical immortality and triumph over the fear of death."

"BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters."

"Your son at five is your master, at ten your slave, at fifteen your double, and after that, your friend or foe, depending on his bringing up."

"He who fears he will suffer, already suffers from his fear."

"BIBLE, n. A collection of fantastic legends without any scientific support... full of dark hints, historical mistakes and contradictions."

"SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited."

"If God could make angels, why did he bother with men?"

"If God made the world, I would not be that God, for the misery of the world would break my heart."

"Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes? [Lat.] Who shall guard the guardians?"

"Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers."

"Man is a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired."

"Research is to see what everybody else has seen, and to think what nobody else has thought."

"Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president but they don't want them to become politicians in the process."

"Some people dream of success, while others wake up and work hard at it."

"Don't wait for your ship to come in, swim out to it."

"Leaders are like eagles, they don't flock, you find them one at a time."

"Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm."

"After the ship has sunk, everyone knows how she might have been saved."

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled. For God's sake don't be fooled.
I give the impression that I am secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game;
that the waters are calm and I am in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me, please.

My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing
'Neath this lies no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed.
That is why I frantically create a mask to hide behind;
a nonchalant, sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation.
My only salvation. And I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance, if it is followed by love.
It is the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself,
that I am worth something.

But, I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I am afraid to.
I am afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love.
I am afraid you will think less of me, that you will laugh at me,
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate game,
with a facade of assurance without, and a trembling child within.
And so begins the parade of masks, and my life becomes a front.

I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that is really nothing,
and nothing of what is everything,
of what is crying within me;
So when I am going through my routine do not be fooled by what I am saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying.
What I would like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say, but I can't say.

I dislike hiding, Honestly!
I dislike the superficial game I am playing, the phony game.
I would really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and me,
but you have got to help me. You have got to hold out your hand,
even when that is the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes that blank stare of breathing death.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you try to understand and because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings.
With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding,
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be the creator of the person that is me if you choose to.
Please choose to. You alone can break down the wall
behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask.
You alone can release me from my shadowworld of panic and uncertainty;
From my lonely person.
Do not pass me by.
Please... do not pass me by.

It will not be easy for you;
a long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me, the blinder I strike back.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for. But I am told that
love is stronger than walls, and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands,
but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet.
_________________Charles C. Finn (???)_____________________


[ Death scene of Cyrano ]
It is coming... I feel
Already shod with marble... gloved with lead...
Let the old fellow come now! He shall find me
On my feet sword in hand [ He draws his sword. ]
I can see him there he grins
He is looking at my nose that skeleton
What's that you say? Hopeless? Why, very well!
But a man does not fight merely to win!
No no better to know one fights in vain! ...
You there Who are you? A hundred against one
I know them now, my ancient enemies
[ He lunges at the empty air. ]
Falsehood! ... There! There! Prejudice Compromise
Cowardice [ Thrusting ] What's that? No! Surrender? No!
Never never! ... Ah, you too, Vanity!
I know you would overthrow me in the end
No! I fight on! I fight on! I fight on!
     Edmond Rostand, spoken by Cyrano de Bergerac

"Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.""

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."

"Another similarity is that Rush Limbaugh and Barney are both purple, or would be if someone had the good sense to wrap some piano wire around Rush's neck.."

"I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats."

"The Soviet propaganda ministry ordered 10 million condoms from an American manufacturer, all 16" long and 3" in diameter. The American manufacturer filled the order, sending the merchandise in boxes marked 'medium.'"

"Music I heard with you was more than music, and bread I broke with you was more than bread. Now that I am without you, all is desolate; all that was once so beautiful is dead."

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you nothing.  It was here first."

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.

After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc.  These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments.  For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.  Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine.  Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone.

Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDED AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?  AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?

This is easy.  You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will tell you exactly what they want.  They spend months and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show advertisements.  Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices.  If your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it.  You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain?  This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.  It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works.  When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt.  The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.  Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode!  But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.

Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first primitive umpire.  What inner force drove this first athlete?  Your guess is as good as mine.  Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank.  People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"

Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on "The Waltons".  Well, you can forget it.  If everybody pulled that kind of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight.  The government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming thousands.  So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with the Holiday Program.  This means you should get a large sum of money and go to a mall.

We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl full of jelly.

Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource.  If you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place.  And if you cut down the new tree, still another will grow.  And if you cut down that tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you come back.

Wood heat is not new.  It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire.  One of the cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey!  Wood heat!"  The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately beat him to death with stones.  But the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, although their insurance rates went way up.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.

"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.

College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the trustees played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity.

The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.  It is never any use to oneself.

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.

$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.

Where would Christianity be if Jesus got eight to fifteen years, with time off for good behavior?
-- New York Senator James H. Donovan commenting on capital punishment.

'You're not playing klondike again are you?' - 'No, it's a hallucination.' -'Oh, ok. Put the 8 on the 9.'

"An author once told me I must find my muse before I could write.  When I finally found her, she was wearing a rubber helmet, a latex catsuit, a very tight corset, an armbinder, and ballet-toe boots with seven inch heels.  I suspect I am not meant to be a writer."

"What a joy, what a thrill, when I get behind the wheel,
 And we set out to make our next road kill.
 The shiver of excitement as the body leaves the head...
 But if I can't find a dog or cat... a kid will do instead..."

"In the beginning there were three... and then the three became nine... and then the nine got hungry and then there were four..."

"Despite it's clever disguise the aperture to the right is not actually a window, but is a fire exit. _So_ if you want it open, please light this waste-paper bin so we aren't breaking the law, and the fire brigade will open it for you."

"... mutant brain-eating cyborgs are bad for business..."

'A happy medium then. Somewhere between Just Good Friends and...' - 'Someone to occasionally stick my tongue down their throat.'

"... I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo... in morse code..."

"Could a person, given enough strength, bludgeon someone to death with a
 potato?" "Been there, done that"

"A bald nun, a gay lawyer, and a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast walk into a bar.  The bartender says, 'This has got to be the weirdest joke I've ever been in...'"

"I just woke up, I'm 40 miles from my car and I can't remember where I left my trousers. I think I'm going to be a little late."

"God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
 where to go.
         'Why not go to Jupiter?' asked St. Peter.
         'No, too much gravity, too much stomping around,' said God.
         'Well, how about Mercury?'
         'No, it's too hot there.'
         'Okay,' said St. Peter, 'What about Earth?'
         'No,' said God, 'They're such horrible gossips.  When I was
 there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
 still talking about it.'"

"If a picture paints a thousand words could the Bible then become 36 collectable bubblegum cards?"

"Adrian is my inverse chaperone. He checks up on me to see if I'm doing anything, and if I'm not he tells me to do something."

"Sleep is for wimps. Happy, healthy, well-rested wimps, but wimps nonetheless"

"Microsoft: One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

"I almost stepped on your dog last night." "Where was it?" "Under my foot."

"In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said  'Let there be light'. And God separated the light from the dark.  And did two loads of laundry."

"You don't change the way people think by changing what they say. You  change the way people think with HEADLESS CHARRED BODIES FLYING THROUGH THE AIR. BLOOD! FLAMES! HELLFIRE AND DAMNATION!"

"You have to take a lighter approach now.  Jumping up on a table in a busy restaurant, swinging from the ceiling fans, and screaming, 'YOU'RE ALL GONNA BURN IN HELL,' just scares people away."

"O mysterious, wondrous and downright amazing Oracle: How come we never see baby pigeons?"  "You do, but you only see them before they go into their cocoons and grow wings. Baby pigeons are usually called 'squirrels'."

"WARNING: sending me junk-email will be interpreted as granting permission to bomb your offices and machine-gun your children."

"New York City: No matter how many times I visit this great city I'm always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxi cab."

"Interestingly, most Unix utilities have a command line option which will cause the system to rip the user's legs off and beat them to death with the soggy ends. This is often the default behaviour."

"... you haven't seen untidiness until you've seen a room where the gravity has failed twice in different directions."

"Think Globally. Act Locally. Support your Local Politician. With a Rope."

"I'm leaving in a couple hours for Knoxville, Tennessee. I'm going to visit some family over Christmas. This is where my grandmother lives. She has dementia, and is firmly convinced that a trio of hoodlums have tunneled through the ground to her house and are now residing in her utility closet."  "HEY!  There's actually FOUR of us!  And we're not hoodlums, we're thugs. Tell her to get it straight."

"I'm convinced that, if you could decode the 'unused' bits of our DNA, they'd read:
        This is a test, please ignore
 or perhaps:
        The Elder Ones make no warranty of any kind with regard to
        this material, including, but not limited to, the implied
        warranties or merchantability and fitness for a particular
        purpose"

"P.S.  There is no big whirring movie camera hidden behind the big black rectangular hole in the middle of the Encyclopedia Britannica sitting on the shelf across from you in the cafeteria."

"Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while."

"Hiroshima '45... Chernobyl '86... Windows '95..."

"Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
 To get to the other... er... um..."

"Since all the Heaven's Gates members were discovered wearing Nike sneakers, do you think Nike might change their slogan to 'Maybe You Should Think About It'?"

"... You can at least teach a dingo to fetch. The problem is, it can take years to teach it the difference between a baby and a stick."

"Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone, but when she got there the cupboard was bare so THE POOR MONGREL STARVED TO DEATH!!"

"When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"  "Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot."

"Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet."

"All the stuff I just made up COULD be true -- BECAUSE I HAVE A GUN!"

"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete stangers to kill again." -- TV listing for the movie, The Wizard of Oz, in the Marin Paper.

"In a grudge match between Hanson and the Spice Girls, who would win?"  "Humankind."

"SPAM CHEESECAKE?!?!?!?"

"So fsck was originally called something else.""What was it called?""Well, the second letter was different."

"Anyway, there's plenty of room for doubt.  It might seem easy enough, but computer language design is just like a stroll in the park.  Jurassic Park, that is."

"Back in my youth, there were people who would take elements of one RPG
 and try to make them work for another, like 'James Bond would be a Paladin
 with charisma of 19'. The two I always wanted to combine were _Call of
 Cthulu_ and _The Rocky and Bullwinkle Party Game_.
 'Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!'
 'Again?'"

"I'd rather she'd used me for sex.  Using me for my mind really bothered me."

"Base not your joy on the deeds of others.  For what has been given can be taken away." -- Peter Steele

"Had I not known that I was dead already.  I would have mourned my loss of life." -- Ota Dokan

"If there is a god, he isn't listening.  So find truth in darkness, when too much light is blinding you!" -- <~Shadow*Weaver~>

"Reality is a momentary dream, but a dream is a reality for an eternity." -- Nocturnal Illusions

"Man! When sex has lost it's fun, you KNOW it's time to die." -- Geoff

"All lies and jest; still, a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest." -- Simon & Garfunkel

"'And don't tell me God works in mysterious ways', Yossarian continued 'There's nothing mysterious about it, He's not working at all. He's playing.  Or else He's forgotten all about us. That's the kind of God you people talk about, a country bumpkin, a clumsy, bungling, brainless, conceited, uncouth hayseed. Good God, how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of Creation? What in the world was running through that warped, evil, scatalogical mind of His when He robbed old people of the power to control their bowel movements? Why in the world did He ever create pain?'" -- Joseph Heller

"'I meant,' said Ipslore bitterly, 'what is there in this world that truly makes living worth while?' Death thought about it 'Cats,' he said eventually, 'Cats are Nice.'" -- Terry Pratchett

"Nigel gave the lamp a cautious buff and small smoking red letters appeared in the air. 'Hi,' Nigel read aloud, 'Do not put down the lamp because your custom is important to us. Please leave a wish after the tone and, very shortly, it will be our command. In the meantime, have a nice eternity.'"
--Terry Pratchett

"You can't trample infidels when you're a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look." -- Terry Pratchett

"'I know you would never hurt me.' 'No, I would never hurt you. But those who you love, oh yes, now they are different stories all together.'"

"'Caine and Julian are very good friends.' 'Being that they're both bastards?'"

"He's hurt, and wandering around in a bleeding sort of way."

"'I'm not a bastard.' 'Sure you are. You just need to embrace the bastard within your soul.'"

"'You mean you want me to kick some ass.' 'I wasn't aware you did that sort of thing.' 'Neither was I!'"

"If someone asks Benedict to play chess, he thinks for ten minutes, then says, 'Checkmate.'"

"Jamie, hearing of Tom's capture: 'That's scary, 'cause he's the most capable of the cousins of dealing with... um, strange shit.'"

Leah: "What happened to the one with the sword?"
GM: "He's dying."
Chris: "He's busy right now."

"Oh, I remember! You did stupid things with your blood!"

"Would somebody get a maid to clean up the maid?"

"Mara takes a full-frontal attack in the back."

"Well, I'm really not sure I should do this, but you're a god, so I guess I have to."

"I always knew looking back on my tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on my laughter would make me cry."

"The first woman was created from the rib of a man. She was not made from his head to top him, nor from his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal to him."

"Whenever you think something sounds easy, it turns out there's one part you didn't hear."

"Just being yourself, being who you are, is a successful rebellion."

"Do not follow where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

"Yes, oh great Oracle of useless knowledge. Let us bathe in the great quantity of your uselessness!"

"Sorry, Freudian whip, er, slip. You know, when you say one thing and fuck. Er, suck, er, mean another. Oh, fuck me, I mean, fuck it, I'm not screwing, SAYING, another whore... WORD!"

"For the crime of injuring me, a god, I demand an atonement, death"

"I am a brother to dragons,
and a companion to owls.
My skin is black upon me,
and my bones are burned with heat." - The Book Of Job, Chap 30, Verses 28 & 29

"My father-self has owned many names in different languages; Chance, Pan, Puck, Old Nick, Quixote, Lucifer, Shaitan, Mo-Kuei, Jack Frost.  I am the unpredictable, the unexpected, the willful, the sometimes malicious, and so the - usually - unwelcome.  And I always turn up" - Zelanzny

"We are the lost.  We are the last.  We are the unkind.  We are the warriors on the edge of time...  We are the warriors on the edge of time.  Where is our joy?  Where is our sorrow? Where is our fear?  We are the deaf, the dumb, the blind.  We are the undying.  It is cold on the edge of time." - Moorcock.

"And behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead;  and I only am escaped to tell thee." - The Book Of Job, Chap 1, Verse 19

"Skin for skin, yea, all that a man hath will he give for his life." - The Book Of Job, Chap 2, Verse 4

"I go whence I shall not return, even to the land of darkness and the shadow of death." - The Book Of Job, Chap 10, Verse 21

"My breath is corrupt, my days are extinct, the graves are ready for me" - The Book Of Job, Chap 17, Verse 1

"In a moment shall they die, and the people shall be troubled at midnight, and pass away:  and the mighty shall be taken" - The Book Of Job, Chap 34, Verse 20

"For now I shall sleep in dust; and thou shalt seek me in the morning, but I shall not be."  The Book Of Job, Chap 7, Verse 21

"For the movements of a man's life are in spirals: we go back whence we came, ever returning on our former traces, only upon a higher level, on the next upward coil of the spiral, so that it is a going back and a going forward ever and both at once." - George MacDonald

"Germany is having a nervous breakdown.  There is nothing sane to report." - Ben Hecht, 1923

"What a riot of brilliant purple and tender crimson, Among the ruined wells and crumbling walls." - Tsao Hsueh- Chin

"As for the nights, I warn you the nights are dangerous. The wind changes at night and the dreams come.  It is very cold.
    There are strange starts near Arcturus. Voices are crying an unknown name in the sky." - Archibald MacLeish

"And god shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." - Revelations 21:4

"'We could pray...' 'I stopped praying along time ago, chief.' 'Didn't get your prayers answered?' 'I got an answers.  It was no'"

"To go faster the light, first you have to be irrational."

"'... and life-support is only 10 percent below critical.' 'Can I depend on that?' 'Especially the part about life-support.' 'Tell it to me straight.  Will we make it?' 'As long as you keep inhaling and exhaling, we're making it.  If you stop, you'll know we didn't'"

"Hail, you indomitable heroes, hail!
 Despite of all your generals, ye prevail" - Landor's Crimean War couplet

"Tears cannot restore him, therefore I weep." - Epitaph

"Since I am so quickly done for
 I wonder what I was begun for" - Epitaph on a Baby One Mouth Old.

"Susan, wife of David Pattison, lies here
Stop, Reader, and if not in a hurry, shed a tear." - Epitaph in Suffolk

"'When I joined, all the members were gentlemen.'  'I wonder why they left'"

"Come back again when you have a little less time."

"Do you remember the days before we knew each other?  Lets go back to them"

"In which of these rooms, I wonder, did George herself sleep?  Thought in which indeed, my dear, did she not?"

"If only he'd wash his neck, I'd wring it."

"He is a man who usues his faults to hide his vices."

"He has delusions of adequacy."

"In the South, the Civil war is what A.D. is elsewhere; they date from it."

"Yes, I am proud; and must be proud, to see men not afraid of god afraid of me." - Alexander Pope

"Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little." - Dr. Johnson

"So heavy is the chain of wedlock that it needs two to carry it - and sometimes three." - Dumas Pere

"Next to the wound, what women make best is the bandage."

"Many would be cowards if they had courage enough."

"Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far."

"The girl who can't dance says the band can't play."

"One's real life is often the life that one does not lead."

"The thought of suicide is a great consolation: with the help of it one has got through many a bad night." - Nietzsche

"In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed."

"In times of war the loudest patriots are the greatest profiteers."

"'Come, come,' said Tom's father, 'at your time of life
There is no longer excuses for thus playing the rake-
It is time you think, boy, of taking a wife.'
'Why, so it is, father - whose wife shall I take?'" - Thomas Moore

"If you want a free granite headstone when you die, have them bury you up to your neck."

"You're the only person I know who can feel everyone is against him and still not be a paranoid."

"You often contradict yourself.  But that's a compliment to you.  Any reasonable man has to contradict you."

"I could never slander you.  Slander implies untruth, and nothing bad said about you is ever untrue."

"No one really knows himself.  That certainly makes you lucky."

"In my book you're a great guy.  But then, it's a work of fiction."

"The best thing for a headache is to look at you.  It will give a person one every time."

"I'd like to make you writhe.  But that's your natueral mode of travel anyway."

"You're the last man I expected to see - or wanted to."

``I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. '' - Monty Python

``Poets do not go mad; but chess-players do.  Mathematicians go mad, and cashiers; but creative artists very seldom. I am not, as will be seen, in any sense attacking logic: I only say that this danger does lie in logic, not in imagination.'' - G. K. Chesterton 1874-1936: Orthodoxy (1908)

"If I had been present at creation, I would have given some useful hints." - Alfonso the Wise

"He was a wise man who invented God." - Plato

"It is the final proof of God's omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us." - Peter De Vries

"Man is god in ruins." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"God has always been hard on the poor." - Jean Paul Marat

"Man is certainly stark mad.  He cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by the dozens." - Montaigne

"Religions change; beer and wine remain."

"The chicken probably came before the egg because it is hard to imagine God wanting to sit on an egg."

"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."

"It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."

"If is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis."

"I know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!  The answer twelve?  I think I'm in the wrong building."

"Life is a god-damned, stinking, treacherous game and nine hundred and ninety-nine men out of a thousand are bastards."

"Why is it that we rejoice at birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is because we are not the person involved." - Mark Twain

"The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down."

"The best way to get praise is to die."

"One murder makes a villain, millions a hero."

"The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein; it rejects it."

"Like all self-made men, he worships his creator."

"A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic."

"Mothers are fonder then fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own."

"The orgasm has replaced the cross as the focus of longing and the image of fulfillment."

"Tell the truth and run." - Yugoslavian proverb

"The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch." - old saying

"Alexander III of Macedonia is known as Alexander the Great because he killed more people of more diffrent kinds than any other man of his time."

"I use to have an immagination, but reality wouldn't allow it."

"An alternative, favoured by those of a religious persuasion, was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace of the Time of Mating, as were all the stars in the sky which were, obviously, also carried by giant turtles.  When the arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new patern of the worlds.  This was known as the Big Bang hypotheses." - Terry Pratchett

"It had to be Death.  No-one else went around with empty eye sockets and, of course, the scythe over one shoulder was another clue." - Terry Pratchett

"Death, insofar as it was possible in a face with no movable features, looked surprised." - Terry Pratchett.

"It would not be true to say that Death smiled, because in any case His features were perforce frozen in a calcareous grin.  But He hummed a little tune, cheery as a plague pit, and Death turned His heel and set off..." - Terry Pratchett.

"Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons."

"American has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up."

"And that's the world in  a nutshell - an appropriate receptacle."

"Why do writers write?  Because it isn't there."

"Never let a domestic quarrel ruin a day's writing.  If you can't start the next day fresh, get rid of your wife." - One of Puzo's rules for writing a best-selling novel

"Boy meets girl; Girl gets boy into pickle; boy gets pickle into girl." - Jack Woodford on plotting.

"The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them."

"What an ugly beast is the ape, and how like us."

"They talk of my drinking but never my thirst." - Scottish Proverb

"An Irishman is the only man in the world who will step over the bodies of a dozen naked women to get to a bottle of stout."

"If you drink, don't drive, don't even putt."

"I became a policeman because I wanted to be in a business where the customer is always wrong."

"The only reason I would take up joggin is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."

"I don't jog.  If I die, I want to be sick."

"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office."

"I don't have a warm personal enemy left.  They've all died off.  I miss them terribly because that helped define me."

"I'm in a phone booth at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk."

"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly.  I said I don't know."

"I've tried relaxing, but - I don't know - I feel more comfortable tense."

"There is no sweeter sound then the crumbling of one's fellow man."

"Are you going to come quietly or do I have to use earplugs?"

"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that on's work is terribly important."

"A man is as young as the woman he feels."

"I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true."

"When something good happens it's a miracle and you should wonder what God is saving up for you later."

"If you want an audience, start a fight." - Gaelic proverb

"Talk is cheep because supply exceeds demand."

"The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt has an active, living culture."

"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success."

"Love is hell and god in one."

 "Love is never-ending psychological warfare"

"Low self esteem: the leading cause of relationships gone bad"

"My favorite weapon is the look in your eyes" -- Ministry

"Apology - the only way of having the last word with a woman."

"Rights are what you can get away with."

"I don't have an overactive imagination, I have an underachieve reality."

"Help! I've tripped and I can't get down!"

"This is the most exciting piece of excrement I've ever seen."

"By the time a man reads women like books he's too old to collect a library."

"Celibacy is not an inherited characteristic."

"You've never seen anything until you've seen a Valkyrie go down"

"Being tied up and screwed silly does wonders for one's perspective"

"Instant gratification takes too long."

"The wages of sin depend upon what union you belong to."

"Life is either boring or miserable. Just decide which is worse." -- Voltaire

"Men forget but never forgive. Women forgive but never forget."

"By the time you realize what love can do, the damage has already been done."

"DO NOT ADJUST YOUR MIND - the problem is with reality."

"He who lives by the sword laughs last."

"First you burn, *then* you rape. It's so much more romantic by firelight."

"Marriage? Sorry, I can't mate in captivity."

"If you love something, set if free. If it comes back, it's dependent on you."

"If I want your opinion, I'll read it in your entrails."

"That which does not kill me had better be able to run damned fast."

"Don't torture yourself, that's what friends are for" -- found on a.s.b

"Why don't you ever date normal women?"

"Admit nothing. Blame everyone. Be bitter." -- someone on alt.angst

"The Earth is our Mother. But who wants to live with your mother all your life?"

"Hail Eris, full of grace. Won't you sit upon my face?" -- discordian poem.

 "Being human is a contact sport."

"The sword of truth is just another weapon."

"Demons, man, demons! Who needs chicks when you got demons?" -- Gate II

"If Florentine is two weapons, is Venetian blind fighting?"

"I don't care who the king is, I can always stay drunk for six months."

"We don't bleed in your pool, so please don't swim in our blood."

"Paranoia is obsolete. It's ALL true."

"Only users lose drugs."

"Do I believe in the Bible? Hell yes - I've even seen one!"

"When reason fails, force prevails."

"and it's not like it was a huge deal, like deflowering a virgin ..."

"If you think my room is messy, you should see my sex life."

"If you remember the sixties, you must not have inhaled."

"Some people flirt with disaster. I actually dated her."

"Want to read a good horror story? Open any history book."

"I like Christians. But then, I was a lion in a past life."

"Loving puts us on our knees, serving as though we were slaves"--Episcopal hymn

"Marriage is grounds for divorce."

"I have only one thing to say about Platonic relationships - Fuck Plato!"

"How can you be 'more than happy?' Sounds like a dangerous mental condition."

"The American Dream (tm) is just another pyramid scheme."

"Sometimes it's really hard to tell sloth from decadence."

"Not every thorn has a rose."

"Sex without pain is like food without taste"-- M. de Sade

"It's not true that I think with my dick. But I do go to it a lot for advice."

"Your relationship isn't over until you stop keeping track of how long it's been over."

"Near death experience? Hell, I'm still waiting to have a near life experience."

"A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her."

"Nostalgia is a grammatical construct wherein you find the present tense and the past perfect."

"Long distance relationships are like playing Russian roulette with five loaded chambers."

"Art imitates life ... and sometimes life really sucks."

"The person who cares the least about the relationship controls it."

"I've always loved the false image I had of you."

"The parade of clueless people never ends."

"If you *really* loved me, you'd allow me to manipulate you."

"Well, I do care, and I don't care if I shouldn't care."

"Broken promises never get me upset. I just think: "Why did they believe me?""

"No matter how much you beat a dead horse, it will never rise to the occasion. "

"Love is transient; sex is situational; happiness is a contrast; that which is good today is meaningless tomorrow."

"I can multitask. I can be miserable about MANY THINGS AT ONCE."

"I wanna hold your hand" -- The Beatles. "I wanna fuck you like an animal" -- Nine Inch Nails. 30 years of rock 'n roll evolution.

"Life sucks, but death swallows."

"Life is a virgin, a bitch is too easy" -- Mordraut

"Even a lie can feel like heaven, until your mind lets your heart in on the joke" -- Melia Hughes

"I'm thinking about giving my ex-girlfriend a call tonight. It depends which comes up first - my Warrior Spirit or my Dinner"

"You are living in a world where lemonade is made from artificial ingredients and furniture polish is made with real lemons. Start worrying ... "

"Therion's theorem: When faced with a choice between two or more women, you will always choose the one who will make you the most miserable in the long run. "

"Librarians are the secret masters of the universe. They control information. Don't ever piss one off." -- Spider Robinson

"intimacies come and go, so the only constant thing in life is that there will be love unrequited and bitterness and pain"

"The gods' revenge on those who lack respect for authority is to make them authorities themselves. "

"A cultural anthropologist is a scientist trained to observe that every society is a little bit mad, including his own. He holds his job by never mentioning this fact explicitly."

"It's life. Everyone gets used to it, or else doesn't, and everyone dies whether or not they get used to it." -- henri ennui

"There is no despair so deep that it cannot be overcome with a fifth of Chivas and a blonde in leather. "

"He who lives by the sword would not want to die any other way."

"Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples, for I am sick of love." -- Solomon 2:5

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're probably broke." -- Dyke Beth

"Relationships should start with the Miranda warning ... anything you say CAN and WILL be used against you." -- DLH 8/1/95

 "If all you are looking for is a fuck, then fuck. If you're looking for love, then love. It's pretty difficult to find the latter while doing too much of the former. People tend not to take you seriously." -- saarela@umich

"I need to go find out if I have a friend or a lawyer. Right now, I need a lawyer." -- Hannah ??, 8/17/95

"Hysteria is a chaotic and irrational emotional state caused by seeing how the world really operates."

"Intellectual passions are more bewitching than love affairs, which is why they last longer. A man can adore a woman until she changes or grows surly, but he can be madly infatuated with a Theory all his life." -- Sigismundo Balsamo

"The worst that can happen under monarchy is rule by a single imbecile, but democracy often means the rule by assembly of three or four hundred imbeciles."

  "If it's possible to be born a cynic and a romantic at the same time, then I guess I'm it. The only fantasy I have, really, is true love. But if there's one thing I've learned in all my peregrinations, it's that you don't find it by looking for it or by dreaming about it. You just take care of business and if it comes by and says hello, you don't weigh pros and cons. You just ante up and lay the cards down." -- Arkady O'Toole

"Big head meet little head, little head, big head. Now, little head, as much you might resent it - big head is going to do the thinking from now on. Now, now, now . . . don't droop & pout. It has to be this way or life is going to assume new, huge proportions of suckitude." -- DJF

"Women marry men hoping they will change, and men marry women hoping they will remain the same."

"I had learned to take tears as a warning sign of an involvement no longer beneficial to my lifestyle" -- the Sandtiger

"Statistics say that 23% of all women are battered. And here I've been eating them plain all this time ....."

"Sure I'm happy to be alive. I'm just not very happy about being awake!"

"If I can't have what I *really* want in life... I can usually keep the more severe side-effects at bay by finding some new something to keep me entertained 'til it passes." -- fburke

"If I am holier than thou, it's because you annoy the hell out of me." -- Loopy

"The next person who tells me they've seen God had better bring Him to me in a cage."

 "In the beginning there was darkness, and the darkness was without form, and void. And Gates said "Let There Be Light", and there was a General Protection Fault."

"Women play at sex for love while men play at love for sex."

"Valentine's day just looks bad to those who don't have one. I'll let you in on a big secret...its the one day when people in miserable relationships can be smug and pretend to the world...they really have so very little that I gladly give them this day to parade themselves" -- spudski

"You live in a society where your only role is to consume. All the decisions have been made; no input is required from anyone. (Democracy! Democracy my ASS! Everywhere you look you will see people DOING WHAT THEY ARE TOLD OR ELSE BEING DESTROYED.)  Just buy the products, honey, and if you can't afford it, then hate yourself as an example to the others." -- Tom Price

"When "Final Exit" was on the bestsellers list I looked for it at Borders and couldn't find it on the shelves. So, I asked a waif of a salesgirl about its location. She replied to the fact that they were sold out.. at which I grabbed the edge of the counter and twisted my face into a contortions of pain and said "I NEED IT NOW!!!" That freaked her out.. hahaha.. I said: "Just joking"" -- Faustus

"The internet interprets censorship as damage and routes around it" -- John Gilmore

"You get older, and style usually goes out the window, it's not worth risking it all for style. If I'm fighting for my life out on the battlefield of love, I've hardly got the time to adjust the feather plume on my helmet." -- bug@berkeley

"65% of all Americans believe that frozen pizza will never be any good and there's nothing science can do about it." -- TV Nation Poll

"To those who opt for adoption, crying, "If you don't want your child, we do!" one must quickly retort, "By what plea of insanity, having forsaken the sorry role of parent to this misbegotten, would I entrust its cursed existence to a gaggle of demented christian hoods? I'd rather feed my newborn directly to ravenous lions than expose it to the lunatic hypocrisy of you foul goons!"" -- Church of Euthanasia

"Hey Santa! How much for your list of naughty little girls?"

"It's gotten so that I can't watch love scenes in movies anymore without biting my nails and trying to anticipate what childhood dysfunctions the characters will spring on one another as soon as they finish their cigarettes. Intercourse is not sex, it is a raffle ticket and the prize is other people's deep-seated problems. So many winners!" -- Tom Price

"He who dies with the most information wins."

"I felt a kind of forlorn sense of being lost in a world of incredibly stupid and malicious dwarfs." -- Aleister Crowley

"no one is going to let me fall too far because i've got safety nets all over the place, so i hear. a safety net is someone who loves you enough for a small self sacrifice of integrity." -- sofi

"Conjuring up the image of children in danger is the trademark of a demagogue. Anti-Semitism was whipped up in Europe on the notion that Jews were molesting and drinking the blood of Christian children. The witch-trials of Salem were drummed up in response to the notion that children were in danger from witches. Prohibition was enacted because propagandists claimed drunks were going home to abuse their children. We launched ourselves into WWI, bolstered by (false) propaganda that the Germans were murdering children in Brussels. The continuation of a money-making (but failed) War on Drugs is done in the name of protecting the children. The raid on the Branch Davidians was polished off as an attempt to "save the children", in spite of the fact that the children all ended up dead as a result. Attempts to impose censorship on the internet for political security (and as a means of allowing Big Brother to watch us closer) are done in the name of "protecting children" from the material to be found here. Recent Congressional/Executive stripping of the the Bill of Rights and the Posse Comitatus Act (preventing the use of the military against US citzens) were bolstered by constantly exploiting the tragedy of the daycare-center children at OKC. You will have to excuse me when I look a little askance at wailed calls for persecution punctuated by "Do it for the CHILDREN!". The playing on such instinctual fears has built too many police-states." -- Mr. Scratch

"Therion's rule of television: Never watch anything with a laugh track."

"Therion's rule of snack food: Remove 1 item from the container. Hold it up against the ingredients list. If the ingredients list is larger than the food item, it's probably not good for you."

"Please die for your own sins; don't make someone else do it." -- DGollub

"Marriage won't guarantee you an ally in your old age. You stand up and say "til death do us part" then fifteen years down the line you get your reset button kicked and it's back to square one. Except with fewer friends and more cynicism."

"Modern '90s women don't want to be rescued by knights in shining armor- they just want to sue their horses out from under them." -- warlock

"My point is that desperate attractions to fucked-up people spring from a desire for them to hurt you, just like the bad baby deserves. I don't even consider that type of attraction love. Why do you?" -- Sekhmet

"There's no problem out there that can't be solved by the application of either psychoactive drugs or large caliber ammunition" -- anonymous sysadmin

"How easy is it for a man who cannot fight to choose the peacefull solution? It is the ONLY solution he has! He is not being good, because he has no choice. In other words, in order to chose not to do something, you must first be able to do that thing. Do you know how many people I have seen talking about spiritual improvement and the "non-violent" way out, only to scream "kick his ass!" when a situation arises and then to run away and hide when that person came to kick their ass? Those people were not martial artists. They did not have the ability to destroy, and therefore had no choice when it came to the question, "Violence or Peace?" -- Mike on IAIDO-L

"For you it might be start of a beautiful relationship, for her it might be a drunken shag. It's just a risk you have to take." -- Nuala

"The only evidence against evolution are its opponents"

"A loving relationship is only a short term cruel joke waiting to deliver the punch line at the worst possible moment." -- Smoochless

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"I love the image of solitude, it's the reality of it that bums me out." -- Patrick Vest

"i believe in the glorious inevitability of sensible and supposedly adult situations turning horribly ugly." -- Rich Bown

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets" -- Neens

"It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion. It is by the coffee that the thoughts acquire speed, the teeth aquire stains, the stains become a warning. It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion..."

"If you're not living on the razor's edge, you're taking up too much space."

"Whoever is content with solitude is either a wild beast or a god." -- Sir Francis Bacon

"Would I do it again? Hell no. I learned. I learned the hard way. I'd rather have no heart than have one that sends me into hopeless situations." -- Paul Callahan

"Why "work" on your relationships, when they can be counted on to work on you, relentlessly?" -- Jeff Skinner

"Dont forget that for every woman out there that you want to sleep with there probably is at least one guy who's been there, done that, and thinks she's a raving bitch."

"Relationship-speak translation: "I think we should see other people" really means "Ha, ha, I already am!"" -- quoted by j.

"I like my women the way I like my coffee. Stuffed in a sack and tied to the back of a mule" -- J. Valdez

"But love was blind, they said, love was crazy - love didn't have any heart, so it ripped out your own" -- Joan D. Vinge

"The universe is not just. Bad things happen to people. Niezsche was full of shit; that which does not kill us can leave us crippled, dysfunctional and ruined for life." - hbm, 8/21/97

"Loneliness and sex are powerful tools if you know how to use them" -- a.a.Violet

"Violence and money both cure angst" -- Layo

"Cupid only carries a bow and arrow because an uzi sets off the metal detector." -- flamingo_1

"Oh well. If I'm going to sell out, I might as well get a fair price." - K. Rolfes

"Build a man a fire, and he is warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life."

"It is good to know that with the creation of Ritalin, the world will never again be troubled by the likes of another Mozart." -- Charles Budreau

"Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social value under the public's 'right to know'." --Kenneth Starr, 1987, 'Sixty Minutes' interview with Dianne Sawyer.

"When guns are outlawed, only guys like me will have guns."

"Occasionally someone will ask me why I'm unhappy, and that strikes me as such an absurd question. Why is the fucking sky blue? I don't understand how it could be otherwise. Unfulfillment is just a given for me. The world is so full of pain and ugliness and confusion and so devoid of anything beautiful or meaningful that to be happy almost seems sick to me." -- dharmapimp

"si tu posse legere hic tu in regula ordinare" -- If you can read this you are in cannon range.

"I have about as much in common with the CEO of a Fortune 500 company as I have with my cat. It's not logical to say that I, as a man, run the world based on the fact that total strangers with similar chromosomes have excellent jobs. Yet that is exactly what many people believe." -- Scott Adams

"We're born insentient, and fully develop emotional sensitivities in adolescence. From then on, life is a progressively numbing process as each setback chips away at our optimism, faith, and hope. Then we die." -- alt.angst

"Reality is what surprises you right after you've decided that you can have things just as you want them."

"Posters like you are why I wish computers came with a "bitchslap" key." - Great Usenet flame

"I don't NEED your love. I've got my BANDAGES to keep me warm." -- theDavid

"Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory" -- Abraham Lincoln

"My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in seven states."

"Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation" -- uncommonly wise fortune cookie

"The meek will inherit the Earth only when the last warrior leaves it to them in his will."

"The consent of the exploited doesn't make it right, just pathetic."

"I refuse to have the ideals I try to maintain lowered by mere reality." -- Gunthar

"How do you respond to 'I think we should see other people'?  I mean, you can't really say no, right?  It's either, 'ya, sure' or rip out the other's eyes."

"The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well."

"The two hardest things to handle in life are failure and success."

"The young man who has not wept is a savage, and the old man who will not laugh is a fool."

"Howard Hughes was able to afford the luxury of madness, like a man who not only thinks he is Napoleon but hires an army to prove it."

"There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in the country.  The trouble is they cost a quarter.  What this country really needs is a good five-cent nickel."

"Truth is beautiful, without a doubt; but so are lies."

"Never go to bed mad.  Stay up and fight."

"The rich are the scum of the earth in every country."

"I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them."

"I'd rather be black then gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother."

"Lie down and Roll Over and 159 Other Ways To Say I Love You." - Book title

"I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave."

"Newspapermen learn to call a murderer 'an alleged murderer' and the King of England 'the alleged King of England' to avoid libel suits."

"Lord Ronald said nothing; he flung himself from the room, flung himself upon his horse and rode madly off in all directions."

"Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy."

"It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf."

"Science has not yet found a cure for the pun."

"Why attack God?  He may be as miserable as we are."

"Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God."

"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich."

"Because I'm Jewish, a lot of people ask why I killed Christ.  What can I say?  It was an accident.  It was one of those parties that got out of hand.  I killed him because he wouldn't become a doctor."

"Auto racing fans fall into two categories: tattooed, shirtless, sewer-mouthed drunks; and their husbands."  -- Winston-Salem (NC) Journal

"Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip a man's heart out through his wallet." -- Robin Williams

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." -- George Carlin

"The really brave ones drown themselves."

"The Dead make good soldiers. They can't disobey orders. They never surrender. They don't stop fighting when a random body part falls off."

"If you're smaller than the anaconda, it considers you food. If you're larger than the anaconda, it considers you a lot of food."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here." -- Lorena Miller

"I'm lost. I'm going to find myself. If I return before I get back, please ask me to wait." -- L. Lionel Kendrick

"Heaven's for climate, hell's for company." -- Mark Twain

"People who keep their feet firmly on the ground have trouble putting their pants on." -- Kanika Bahl

"Since love and fear can hardly coexist together, if we must choose between them, it is safer to be feared than loved." -- Niccolo Machiavelli

"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him." -- Voltaire

"A sack of flour makes a big biscuit." -- "Bad Eye" Brown

"Down to Gehenna or up to the Throne, he travels fastest who travels alone." -- Rudyard Kipling

"And the end of the fight is a tombstone white with the name of the late deceased/And the epitaph drear, "A fool lies here who tried to hurry the East."" -- Rudyard Kipling (Seen on the wall of the Pacific Architects and Engineers in Vietnam)

"For it's Tommy this, and' Tommy that, an' "Chuck 'im out, the brute!"/But it's "Savior of the country" when the guns begin to shoot." -- Rudyard Kipling

"A ship is safe in the harbor, but that's not what ships were built for."

"In order to find out what is weird, you must first distinguish what is normal."

The noblest question in the world is, 'What good can I do in it?'
---Benjamin Franklin

We hire people for their skills. Unfortunately, the whole person shows up.
---Mike Collins

Grab the biggest stick of the bunch and go after the 'gator closest to the boat. He's the only one that can bite you.

"As I stumble through this life, help me create more laughter than tears, dispense more happiness than gloom, spread more cheer than despair." -- from THE CLOWN'S PRAYER

"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true." -- Robert Wilensky

"How can men use sex to get what they want? Sex IS what they want." -- Frasier Crane on FRASIER

"Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on T.V." --Gore Vidal

"The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault." -- Henry Kissinger

"My greatest fear in life is that no one will remember me when I'm gone."

"It is perfectly simple; you just jot down things that occur to you. The jotting presents no difficulty; it is the occurring that is difficult." -- Stephen Leacock

"Hi, I'm Andy Rooney of Borg. Have you ever wondered why resistance is futile?" -- author unknown

"Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down." -- author unknown

"The obscure we see eventually. The completely apparent takes a little longer." -- Edward R. Munon

"When the authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities." -- Matt Groening (from LIFE IN HELL)

"Our own painful struggle for existence destroys our feeling for the misery of those who have remained behind." -- Adolf Hitler (from MEIN KAMPF)

"Killing a man is murder, unless done to the sound of trumpets" -- Voltaire

"...and she said, "So tell me, why do you always end up at Nick's Cafe?"
And I said, "I dunno, I guess the wind just kinda PUSHED me that way."..."
-- from the song SOMEWHERE DOWN THE CRAZY RIVER

"I believe I have just room for you, unless you are a lawyer, and I have strict orders to carry no more over yet; hell is too full of them already." -- Charon (the ferryman on the River Styx) in Henry Fielding's THE AUTHOR'S FARCE, 1729

"Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read." -- Frank Zappa

"... for it was the privilege of the scholars to be hung in their own district." -- Victor Hugo in THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME

"You can divide facts into three types: divine, natural and man made... All three are open to question." -- Diderot in ENCYCLOPEDIE

"Tell the truth and run." -- Yugoslavian proverb

"'What's it like to be so smart?' -'It's very lonely'" - David Gerrold

"When you stand on a chair in a room full of midgets, you become first a god, then a target, and then, if you survive long enough, simply a landmark." - David Gerrold

"Excellence of any kind is a very lonely condition." - David Gerrold

"As I was going up the stairs
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today
I wish, I wish he'd go away." - Hughes Mearns

"If you don't know history, you don't know anything."  Edward Johnston, 1990

"A ninja is not taught how to fight, but how to kill.  Any seasoned warrior can beat a Ninja in a fair fight.  Any Ninja worth the title will never get INTO a fair fight."

Q: How many Call of Cthulhu players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them, because you never, EVER split the party!

"'Summon Demon' is a first level spell. 'Control Demon' is a ninth level spell."

A "klick" is a kilometer, a "tick" is a second, and a "click" is an empty gun chamber. -- Eris Reddoch

"Impossible odds, mentally unbalanced foes, cramped quarters for a good punch-up, and they say Iest has no night life" -- Cerbus

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the weaponry to make the difference.

"Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony." -- Dennis

Druids worship trees. Zen Druids worship trees that don't exist. Reformed Druids worship trees and shrubs.  Reformed Zen Druids worship trees and shrubs that don't exist.

"The greatest happiness is to scatter your enemy, to drive him before you, to see his cities reduced to ashes, to see those who love him shrouded in tears, and to gather into your bosom his wives and daughters." -- Ghengis Khan (circa 1226)

"You bust through the door and create a diversion. They all turn and aim at you. You try to sweet talk them out of blowing your brains out, while I sneak around back, bust in, and *really* surprise 'em."

Contact, a word, perhaps like no other that defines the dividing line between strategy and tactics.

Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness

If there were a degree for swashbuckling, it would have to include a course in laughing, then jumping off of things.

The sun never sets on the British Empire because God doesn't trust the bastards in the dark!

"Cannibalism is a term of oppression; the properly respectful term is 'human recycling.'"

Vikings? There ain't no Vikings here. Just us honest farmers. The town was burning, the villagers were dead. They didn't need those sheep anyway. That's our story and we're sticking to it.

"Her mind is like a lawnmower on jumpjets: she makes amazing leaps of logic and intuition, and chews up and spits out whatever she lands on." (stevens)

"Sure it's senseless, but it's that kinda senseless that grabs you by the hair and drags you around for a couple hours..." -- Mike Murray on DOOM

You're not outnumbered; you're just in a target-rich environment.

...A drawn sword, a falcon's flight, a stalwart horse, a lovely Lady....Any man who finds no pleasure in these things does not have the spirit of Chivalry...

"Yeah, too bad there aren't really witches. Too many televangelists in the world, not enough frogs."

"WIZARD PARKING ONLY"... All Others Will Be Toad.

"The preferred method of entering a building is to use a tank main gun round, direct fire artillery round, or TOW, Dragon, or Hellfire missile to clear the first room." -- THE RANGER HANDBOOK U.S. Army, 1992

"...a starship, a robot, two sex toys, and a gun: the raw, heady essence of interstellar civilization." -- Kenji Schwarz

Is Axly tough? Yes. Talented? Yes. Brave? Oh, certainly. He is also erratic, irresponsible, accident-prone, and a constant threat to public safety. The trick is to keep him pointed in the right direction. " -- Niki, from Living Steel

Evil Overlord hint No 45
Female warriors should be issued with armour, leather thong bikinis should be reserved for full dress uniform only.

"Here at Ortillery Command we have at our disposal hundred megawatt laser beams, Mach 20 titanium rods and guided thermonuclear bombs. Some people say we think that we're God. We're not God. We just borrowed his SMITE button for our fire control system"

Mercenaries?  Oh, you mean the temps from the Security, Acquisitions, and Collections departments! -- Douglas Glatz

"Of course it originated with the Romans! Who else would need a word that means "kill every tenth person"?"  -- Loren Wiseman

"Bystanters only count as visual cover." - Jasper Merendino

That's the one. The Marine Assault Dress is what I see ABD as being; none of the "BattlePod" nonsense. Real Marines want legs so they can kick the shit out of their opponents, and dance on their smoking remains. -- Douglas E. Berry

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. -- culled from the Ground Zero Games List

"The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out..." - Anon

"Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though."

"Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!"

"Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue..."

"Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)"

"Hit any user to continue."

"Scandisk is now checking your hard disk. You can start praying."

"Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can."

"Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life." -Andrew Brown

"Looking at the proliferation of personal web pages on the net, it looks like very soon everyone on earth will have 15 Megabytes of fame." -MG Siriam

"The danger from computers is not that they will eventually get as smart as men, but we will meanwhile agree to meet them halfway." -Bernard Avishai

"I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image." -Stephen Hawking

"If you're masochistic enough to program in ADA, we're not going to stop you." -Matt Welsh

"A program is a spell cast over a computer, turning input into error messages." -Anon.

"Real programmers don't work from 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9am it's because they were up all night." -Anon.

"'People don't work all night.' - 'We're not talking about people, we're talking about programmers, man, programmers!'"

"f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgmmng." -Anon.

"Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers." -Leonard Brandwein

"Usenet is like Tetris for people who still know how to read." -Computer Museum (Boston)

"Usenet isn't a right. It's a right, a left, and a swift uppercut to the jaw." -Computer Museum (Boston)

"A heretic is a man who sees with his own eyes." -Gotthold Ephraim Lessing

"The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you're playing by somebody else's rules, while quietly playing by your own." -Michael Konda

"In America only the successful writer is important, in France all writers are important, in England no writer is important, and in Australia you have to explain what a writer is." -Geoffrey Cottrell

"It is one thing to discover that you have been misled by an illusion.  That is a common result in philosophy.  However, it is quite another, and a far more disturbing, thing, to discover that you may be that illusion." -- Raymond Martin

"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?" - Woody Allen

"Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter." - Anonymous

"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering." - Anonymous

"He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, 'You're the boss.'" - Anonymous

"This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation." - Anonymous

"Let them hate, so long as they fear." -- Accius

"The Truth which makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear. " -- Herbert Agar, A Time for Greatness

"Death is beautiful. It alone gives love its true habitat." -- Jean Anouilh, Eurydice

"Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes!..
Galileo: No. Unhappy the land that needs heroes. " -- Bertold Brecht, Leben des Galilei

"Because I don't trust him, we are friends." -- Bertold Brecht, Mutter Courage

"An Atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support." -- John Buchan (1st Baron Tweedsmuir)

"It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year."

"Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"My dear boy, forget about the motivation. Just say the lines and don't trip over the furniture."

"Your motivation is your pay packet on Friday. Now get on with it."

"I mean, the questions actors most often get asked is how they can bear saying the same things over and over again night after night, but God knows the answer to that is, don't we all anyway? Might as well get paid for it."

"The important thing in acting is to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. If I have to laugh, I think of my sex life."

"We use to have actresses trying to become stars; now we have stars trying to become actresses."

"I love acting. It is so much more real then life."

The quality of your fencing style is inversely proportional to the health of your romantic relationship. (Exceptions are granted ONLY in cases of true love.) - AADS "The Inverse Law"

"Good fencing is EXACTLY like a bad romantic relationship. First you figure out what your opponent wants. Second you make them think you are going to do what they want. Third, you don't actually do what they want. Fourth, when they come to get what they want, you step back and nail them to the wall." - AADS "Stuart's Corollary to The Inverse Law"

"The irony of the Information Age is that it has given new respectability to uninformed opinion." -- John Lawton

"'That's what separates us from the losers, man.' - 'Okay, you go down there, Dalt cuts off your head and uses it for a football, then Jurt shows up ten feet tall and farting fire.  I'm supposing.  How does that separate us from the losers?'" - Zelenzy 'Sign of Chaos'

"'Gail?  Rinaldo's girlfriend?  My son was dating a demon?' - 'Let's not be prejudiced.  He'd done a lot worse his freshman year.' - She thought a moment, then nodded slowly. 'You've got a point there,' she admitted.  'I'd forgotten Carol.'" - Zelenzy 'Knight of Shadow'

"The AK-47, don't accept any substitutes when you have to kill every mother fucker in the room."

"Death, as their credo went, satisfies all debts."

"There is no place for warriors in any other world."

"Ah, a wire-mediated person-to-person voice communication apparatus.  Often referred to as a 'Telephone' . . . at least by the unwashed masses" - Desire

"When you succeed, no one ever remembers, when you fail, no one ever forgets"

"'Freud, Freud, come here and read that... what do you think?' - 'Hmm' - 'Oh shut up'"

"'Any last words?' asked Bonson.  'Any Message for the family?' - 'Last words?' said Bob.  'Yeah, three of 'em: Front Towards Enemy.'" - Stephen Hunter "Time to Hunt"

"I have a simple philosophy.  Fill what's empty.  Empty what's full.  Scratch where it itches." - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

"Life is like an overlong drama through which we sit being nagged by the vague memories of having read the reviews." - John Updike

"There is more to life than increasing its speed." - Mahatma Gandhi

"There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval." - George Santayana

"Is life worth living?  That depends on the liver"

"Perhaps there is no life after death . . . there's only Los Angeles" - Rich Anderson

"There is no such thing as inner peace.  There is only nervousness and death." - Fran Lebowitz

"In the long run we are all dead." - John Maynard Keynes

"The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir." - Thomas Fuller

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." - Johnny Carson.

"Early one June morning in 1872 I murdered my father - an act which made a deep impression on me at the time." - Ambrose Bierce

"There is no money in poetry, but then there is no poetry in money, either." - Robert Graves

"The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything." - Goethe

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."

"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory." - Paul Fix

"Only the mediocre are always at their best." - Jean Giraudoux

"I'm going to speak my mind because I have nothing to lose." - S. I. Hayakawa

"Eunuch:  A man who has his works cut out for him." - RB

"Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does." - George Bernard Shaw

"To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady." - Wilson Mizner

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I say that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio." - Joan Rivers

"I tell you I can feel them!  They're all around us!  Young people!  Getting closer and closer!" - Hamilton cartoon caption.

"There was once a time when we expected nothing of children but obedience, as opposed to the present, when we expect everything of them but obedience." - Anatole Broyard.

"The reason grandparent and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy." - Sam Levenson

"Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage." - Robert Byrne

"Sex is the most fun you can have without smiling."

"Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing was happening, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'" - Rodney Dangerfield

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." - Rodney Dangerfield

"I've tried several varieties of sex.  The conventional position makes me claustrophobic and the others give me a stiff neck or lockjaw." - Tallulah Bankhead

"A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation." - Karl Kraus

"Sex is nobody's business except the three people involved."

"What men desire is a virgin who is a whore." - Edward Dahlberg

"I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.  I haven't had time for tobacco since." - Arturo Toscanini

"Love is a grave mental disease." - Plato

"The heaviest object in the world is the body of the woman you have ceased to love." - Marquis de Luc de Clapiers Vauvenargues

"It take a woman twenty years to make a man out of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him." - Helen Rowland

"For the upper middle class, marriage is the only adventure left."

"My mother-in-law broke up my marriage.  One day my wife came home early from work and found us in bed together." - Lenny Bruce

"It is better to be a coward for a minute then dead for the rest of your life." - Irish proverb

"The reverse side also has a reverse side." - Japanese proverb

"Oh, this age!  How tasteless and ill-bred it is!" - Catullus

"The 100% American is 99% an idiot." - George Bernard Shaw

"Any ordinary man can surround himself with two thousand books and thenceforward have at least one place in the world in which it is possible to be happy."

"I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me then a prefrontal lobotomy." - Tom Waits

"'I'd say they're nearly out of the game.' - 'But the bombing campaign in now in its thirteen year...' - 'Beginners luck.'" - Brazil

"' Deputy minister, what do you believe is behind this recent increase in terrorist bombings?' - 'Bad sportsmanship. A ruthless minority of people seems to have forgotten certain good old fashioned virtues. They just can't stand seeing the other fellow win.'" - Brazil

"'...remember me to Alison - and the twins.' - 'Triplets.' - 'Really? - God, how time flies!' - Brazil

"I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just." - Thomas Jefferson

"Lawyers, I suppose, were children once." - Charles Lamb

"When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken" - Bejamin Disraeli

"It was such a primitive country we didn't even see any joggers." - Hamilton cartoon caption

"Never eat more than you can lift." - Miss Piggy

"Punctuality is the thief of time." - Oscar Wilde

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." - Bill Cosby

"I have never seen a greater monster or miracle than myself." - Montaigne

"Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell" - Robert Byrne

"How come they picked you to be an astronaut?  You got such a great sense of direction?" - Jackie Mason

"Recipe (in its entirety) for boiled owl:
    Take feathers off.  Clean owl and put in cooking pot with lots of water.  Add salt to taste." - The Eskimo Cookbook

"Do not make Loon soup." - The Eskimo Cookbook

"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees." - David Letterman.

"That man has missed something who has never left a brothel at sunrise feeling like throwing himself into the river out of pure disgust." - Gustave Flauburg

"There are more bores around then when I was a boy." - Fred Allen

"What to do in case of emergency:
    1. Pick up your hat
    2. Grab you coat
    3. Leave you worries on the doorstep
    4. Direct your feet to the sunny side of the street."

"In many ways the saying 'Know thyself' is lacking.  Better to know other people." - Menander

"Only the shallow know themselves." - Oscar Wilde

"It takes a great man to make a good listener." - Arthur Helps

"In this business you either sink or swim or don't" - David Snell

"I've always been interested in people, but I've never liked them." - W. Somerset Maugham

"A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation." - H. H. Munro (Saki)

"Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do." - Jean-Paul Sartre

"The breakfast of champions is not cereal, it's the opposition." - Nick Seitz

"Working on television is like being shot out of a cannon.  They cram you all up with rehearsals, then someone lights a fuse and -BANG- there you are in someone's living room." - Tallulah bankhead

"'I think I'm gonna walk to the movie theater and see dinosaur...' 'and be surrounded by like 10 year old girls?' 'He said Dinosaur, not N'Sync.'"

"Ok, here's what we do.  We break into AOL HQ and instead of the AOL setup utility, we put metallica mp3s on all of the startup cds"

"Stoner chicks suck, they're a waste of a perfectly good set of breasts."

"I hate channel topics.  Why must they exits, and why do I still click them when they end in .jpg."

"'New apples look fairly interesting, but I'd hate to buy into something that is going to crash all the time' - 'What are you using right now?' 'I've always used windows machines.'"

"I was kinda shy, and still am, so right after sex, I started getting dressed before she could turn on the lights......  Well, she turns the light on, and I have my clothes on already, and she can't find her undies....... But she finds my undies next to the bed.  Guess whose undies I'm wearing?"

"'My fish get scared of pizza boxes.  They think they're giant borg ships or something.' - 'Don't put an anchovy pizza near your fish.'"

"Bolstered by the state of Kansas' recent measure removing the requirement for the teaching of evolution in public schools, yesterday afternoon the Mississippi legislature passed a bill eliminating fractions and decimal points from the mathematics curriculum of all public secondary schools in the state."

"My band is gonna be called: rage against the answering machine"

"'You know how they have the /whois command, they should have a /whowas command to see who people were after they quit.' - 'they do, goemon' - 'Damn.  My mom must have dropped me.'"

"ftp er wtf"

"'Give me a chick with lips the size of that guy from aerosmith or something' - 'Why don't you just get the guy from aerosmith'"

"You know you've just experienced an odd moment at 3:30am when you're completely naked making an away msg for aim and your dad (clothed only in briefs) strolls by, waves, and says, 'I thought I smelled something. oh well, night!', and walks off"

"Tekken and sex both give my hand a cramp if I do it for too long, though..."

"Microsoft could shit in a box, and most people would buy it"

"EQ is like a 3D AOL chatroom with monsters."

"'The first time hypr opened a box of Cheerios and looked inside he yelled, 'OH WOW! DONUT SEEDS!'' - 'wtf are donut seeds'"

"I will give you 4 gigs of porn for yer mercedes"

"'I bought it through a special deal at work' - 'The deal where you put what you can under your jacket?'"

"But if I ever hit a deer with my car I'll be damned if I don't try to finish it off, I'll need the food after all my money is fixing the car"

"Call tech support and be like yeah my friend stole windows 2000 from Office Max and he burned it for me and it's not working properly."

"It makes you get a horrible disease called 'babies'"

"'A DVD and a CD are the same thing when they're blank aren't they?' - 'CDs are made of pikachu skins'"

"'One day I will kill ever person on earth who says 'u' instead of 'u'.  Err...' - 'Planning a suicide run?'"

"THE HELL..? IS 5 AM...GO THE HELL TO BED... IN TROUBLE YOU ARE...SPEECH MY SLURRED IS"

"I like stalked this girl sorta.  Like once she asked me for a ride home from work and I took her home... I dropped her off at her house and she's like... wait a minute... how did you know where I lived?"

"Watch out for the quiet ones. If you watch out for the quiet ones a noisy one will kill ya!!"

"End Racism, kill everyone"

"Night City was like a deranged experiment in social Darwinism, designed by a bored researcher who kept one thumb permanently on the fast-forward button.  Stop hustling and you sank without a trace, but move a little too swiftly and you'd break the fragile surface tension of the black market; either way, you were gone, with nothing left of you but some vague memory in the mind of a fixture life Ratz, though heart or lungs or kidney might still survive in the service of some stranger with New Yen for the clinic tanks." - William Gibson "Neuromancer"

"Our profile says you're trying to con the street into killing you when you're not looking." - William Gibson "Neuromancer"

"You'll never earn a Purple Heart hiding in that foxhole, now follow me!"

"May it bring you pleasure, enjoyment and bedsprings so worn you sleep in the room below." - Encyclopedia Arcance - Nymphology

"ROS:  What is your line?
PLAYER: Tragedy, sir.  Deaths and disclosures, universal and particular, denouements both unexpected and inexorable, transvestite melodrama on all levels including the suggestive.  We transport you into a world of intrigue and illusion . . . clowns, if you like, murderers -- we can do you ghosts and battles, on the skirmish level, heroes, villains, tormented lovers -- set pieces in poetic vein; we can do you rapiers or rape or both, by all means, faithless wives and ravished virgins -- flagrante delicto at a price, but that comes under realism for which there are special terms.  Getting warm, am I?
ROS: Well, I don't know . . .
PLAYER:  It costs little to watch, and little more if you happen to get caught up in the action, if that's your taste and times being what they are.
ROS:  What are they?
PLAYER: Indifferent.
ROS  Bad?
PLAYER:  Wicked." - Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead - Act One

"it is true.  i'd rather watch a progress bar than have sex."

"'what would jesus do?' - 'probably get crucified and die'"

"'the bible should be rewritten to more common language' - 'yeah, like c++ or perl' - 'in comic book form'"

"while(every_girl_except_me == idiot)
cout << "INFINITE LOOP OF H8" << endl;"

"'Pardon my spelling... but I'm from Sweden' - 'pardon my accent, i am from southeast asia' - 'pardon my shotgun, i'm from west virginia'"

"An infinite number of monkeys, on an infinite number of typewriters, will eventually produce the collected works of Shakespeare. John Romero's Daikatana was a ten-minute, five-monkey job."

"what does sex in a boat and American beer have in common?  they're both fucking close to water"

"gimme a P, gimme an A, gimme a N, gimme an I, gimme a T, gimme an E, gimme an S! Whats that spell?   PANTIES!  er...  not really.  but it was close!"

"I have a dream: 2199023255552 bytes free."

"Before I came to be in the service of the wizard Ebenezun, greatest mage in the Western Kingdoms, I sometimes thought of life as nothing but confusion, with the world a whirling ball of chaos in which anything could happen to you and, given sufficient time, probably would.  Since I have become an apprentice, however, I have revised my views, and now consider my earlier worries and fears nothing more than a glimpse at everyday reality." -- Craig Shaw Gardner - 'A Difficulty With Dwarves'

"Friendly fire is NOT fire that comes over and offers to shake hands. That is a friendly fire elemental."

"'... as far as we know, the experimental cyberware does not have any ill side affects.' - 'What about his flashbacks?' - 'What about them? It's not like he's going to remember the truth... we fixed that.'"

"Pick a window. You're Leaving..."

"Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't."

"I never mix business with pleasure -- I just can't tell the difference."

"We'll start by trying to get some allies. If that doesn't work, we'll sabotage everything in sight. And if they still don't give us what we want, then we're back to booting head."

"The Government says you can't have it. We say you can. We're Ares Arms."

"You can win without fighting, but it's a lot tougher to do. And the enemy may not cooperate."

"We would have believed it was an accidental shooting if he hadn't changed magazines... TWICE."

"...and grenades are also useful for digging foxholes, removing unwanted shrubbery, unclogging drains..."

"Doubt is that fraction of a second between the time you empty your gun, and the time when you remember where you left your other clips.  Panic is that time after you remember that you left your other clips in the trunk of your car, --twelve blocks away.  Dread is that moment when you realize that you're where your car should be, and your car isn't."

"If you smell pork frying, it's already too late to unplug the decker. Better just grab the ketchup and have yourself a hot meal for a change."

"Remember, a successful Shadowrun is a wholly tax-free endeavor. However, a fatally unsuccessful Shadowrun is a wholly moot point."

"If your opponent's battle cry is: 'Die, Mortal!' don't stick around to see if he isn't."

"You were sorry to hear of his death? I was sooo looking forward to attending all o' those inaugural balls. ...What do you mean, 'everyone knows Great Dragons don't have balls?'"

"Is it in the 'mysterious employer credo' that these little rendezvous always have to be in exotic locales? I mean, just once wouldn't you like to sit down at a Denny's and plan an assassination over a French Slam breakfast?"

"There is nothing as whimsical as small arms fire." - X-play

"Nothing says 'I wish you were dead' like a .45 caliber bullet."

"What do you mean 'Is this the right place!?' They're shooting at us... this must be the right place."

"You know... you really need to worry about a specialized team that's hired to protect a place when they come in, take position and watch for incoming trouble without checking to see if the place is secure before they begin.... almost a shame to shoot them in the backs..."

"Will you please stick to cover-- and move... why do you think they call this SHADOWRUNNING"

"A woman should dress to attract attention.  To attract the most attention, a woman should either be nude or wearing something as expensive as getting her nude is going to be." - P.J. O'Rourke

"The latest statistic says that three fourths of people make up 75 percent of the population."

"Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams."

"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'"

"When a man acts ungentlemanly, he acts without honor.  When man who acts without honor, he is not a man."

"I don't exactly know what I am required to say in order for you to have intercourse with me.  But could we assume that I said all that.  I mean essentially we are talking about fluid exchange right?  So could we go just straight to the sex." - A Beautiful Mind

"As God is my witness, the more I deal with women, the more I like my cat." - Dark Sleep

"There's nothing like having your face cut off to disturb your sleep." - Face-Off

"A meal that costs my dignity is still free."

"Insulting someone in l33t is pointless when done out loud . . ."

"L33t is the last 'language' you want to use if you have bad spelling.  You'll just confuse everyone and look like a f00l."

"I am a Samurai.  I have killed men all my life.  I have done so much evil, I will be reborn as the most despicable of creatures.  I will be reborn as a Samurai."

"'In this place there lives a man who is over ninety years old.  Since this man is so fortunate, why don't you stop and see him?' - 'How could anyone be more pitiful than this man?  How many of his children and grandchildren do you suppose he has seen fall before his very eyes?  Where is the good fortune in that?'" - Hagakure

"Imagine if you had suddenly learned that the people and the places and the moments most important to you were not gone, not dead, but worse -- had never been.  What kind of hell would that be?" - A Beautiful Mind

    "Once a group of ten blind masseuses were traveling together in the mountains, and when they began to pass along the top of a precipice, they all became very cautious, their legs shook, and they were in general struck with terror.  Just then the leading man stumbled and fell off the cliff.  Those that were left wailed, 'Ahh, ahh! How piteous!'
    But the masseuse who had fallen yelled up from below, 'Don't be afraid.  Although I fell, it was nothing.  I am now rather at ease.  Before falling I kept thinking 'what will I do if I fall?' and there was no end to my anxiety.  But now I've settled down.  If the rest of you want to be at ease, fall quickly!'" - Hagakure

"It's your decision, except you have no choice." - J

"Here I plot the destruction of the world, though I remembered I keep all my stuff there. So, I decided just to take it over. "

"Die with Honor, all else is superficial"

"One thing about planes, [people] like them to go up." - History Channel

"'It's unpleasantly like being drunk.' - 'What's so unpleasant about being drunk?' - 'You ask a glass of water.'" - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"Bobbi Lee pined up with us back around Frankfurt-on-the-Oder and she's walked point ever since.  The major says he's never seen anyone with an eye for an ambush like she has.  Well, he's seem more than I have.  All I know is that we've never gotten cracked with Bobbi Lee on point.  She says it's becuase her brothers used to take her coon hunting.  Maybe.  But I've got a feeling that Ranger scroll on her shoulder has something to do with it." - Twilight 2000 version 2.2

"He must be pushing 50.  I found out he really was retired, but got back in when all this started.  He says he got reactivated, but I don't think they do that.  I think he actually pulled some strings to get back in.  Other than that, though, he seems reasonably sane." - Twilight 2000 version 2.2

"About then Bobbi Lee got back to camp, and I guess she wasn't expecting trouble, because it's the only time I've ever seen her surprised.  She dropped her M16, but then the Hungarian looked back at me.  Wrong move.  Bobbi Lee kicked him.  She kicked him in the HEAD.  She kicked him so hard she broke his neck.  This I do not believe she learned coon hunting with her brothers." - Twilight 2000 version 2.2

"Any man can be prepared to kill, a Samurai is prepared to die"

"When day turns to night, it gets very dark."

"(German Soldier:) 'My General says there is no point in continuing this fighting.  He is willing to discuss a surrender' - (British commander:) 'Tell him to go to hell'- (British Soldier:) 'We haven't the proper facilities to take you all prisoner.  Sorry.' - (German Soldier:) 'What?!' - (British Soldier:) 'We'd like to, but we can't accept your surrender.  Was there anything else?'" - A Bridge Too Far

"Age doesn't always bring wisdom.  Sometimes age comes alone." - Soloman Short

"I'm not impressed by ideology.  Perhaps this is because I've invented several of my own." - Soloman Short

"You can train a cat to do anything it wants." - Soloman Short

"There are probably just as many dog people as cat people, but dog people don't insist on talking about their dogs all the time.  Cat owners, of course, operating under the delusion that their cats are sending them secret telepathic commands, have no choice but to talk about cats to the point of oblivion." - Soloman short

"Dogs sit under the desk and mind their own business.  Cats sit on the keyboard." - Soloman Short

"It's impossible to spoil a cat.  They're already spoiled." - Soloman Short

"You can't kick a congressman in the ass.  At least not until you get the lobbyist's head out of the way." - Soloman Short

"Yes, you can get pregnant from anal intercourse.  Where do you think lawyers come from?" - Soloman Short

"Yes, there are problems with evolutionary theory.  There are also problems with quantum theory.  There are problems with general and special relativity.  There are problems with my dishwasher too, but it still gets the dishes clean." - Soloman Short

"Only the young die good." - Soloman Short

"It takes a while village to make a village idiot." - Soloman Short

"Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned." - Soloman Short

"Speak softly and carry a lawyer with a big stick." - Soloman Short

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good people to click the remote control." - Soloman Short

"A thing worth doing is worth the trouble of asking someone else to do." - Soloman Short

"Hey, wake up!  The early worm gets into the bird!" - Desire

"'I think that you or the universe or god or whoever's in charge is a goddamned practical joker with the morals of a malignant thug.' - Forman nodded.  'You don't know the half of it.'" - Rage for Revenge

"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her."

"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."

"We have three realistic alternatives: (1) Sit here and get blown up, (2) Stand here and get blown up, (3) Jump up and down, shout at me for not being able to think of anything, then get blown up."

"A man said to the universe, 'Sir, I exist.'
'However,' came the reply, 'the fact does not produce in me any sense of obligation.'"

"combat between a fighter and a space-suited Jedi is just plain nuts..."

"When reality and I conflict, reality is wrong" - DM slogan

"Death is certain, life is not" - J.

"We pushed on, slowly, and there was blood on every step for as far back as I could see.  There's a moral there, somewhere." - Nine Princes In Amber

"No, i would more than just tell god to incinerate the entier solar system. then again he hasen't been returning my e-mails... and he never has his answering machine on... ever since he met that broad he's been flakeing out on out friendship."

"'You're a monster.' - 'Thanks.  Does that mean I get a raise?' - 'Just a medal.  The budget isn't inexhaustible'" - Ender's Game

"Bag it and tag it" - a inside joke from a rpg

"Your mother was a shaved Wookie!" - A very interesting taunt, which worked, from a Star Wars RPG campaign.

"'So what, he has a Shaved Wookie fetish' - '... dangerous...'" - Discussion on a very interesting Star Wars character

"Did he shave the Wookie before or after the Rodian?" -Discussion on a very interesting Star Wars character.

"Wookie hair... everywhere..." - Star Wars gone wrong.

"Oh, running away are we?  Well, then, Interdictor for you!" - During a Star Wars game

"Weapons never solved any problems.  I'll take twelve." - Vampire Bloodlines.

"The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents....." - Call of Cthulhu Graphic Novel.

"A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this law? It is simply that a program should always respond to the user in the way that astonishes him least." - The Tao of Programming

"'Get behind me, Satan.' - 'Wouldn't it be simpler if you just turned around?'"

"'...please believe me when I say that God could not possible give a shit what I think of Her.' - 'Her? God's a woman, now?' - "Sure.  She use to be a read looker, too, but over the past quarter million years She's gained a lot of weight'"

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." -- Napoleon Bonaparte

"Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try." -- Fran Lebowitz

"Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day." -- Unknown

"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with." -- W. C. Fields

"Never confuse motion with action." - Ernest Hemingway

"America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole." -- Bobcat Goldthwaite

"Aww, Bev, I'm so sorry. It's always tough to lose a beloved appliance.... And in my house, the fridge is always the favorite appliance. A few years ago, I had a fridge die on me. The stove was so lonely without it that three weeks later, it died too. It took me seven weeks to get around to replacing the stove and fridge. And I lost fifteen pounds. That's how I found out how much mid-day snacking I was doing."

"Tired of sluggish internet access? - 'Mom! The internet's all slow again' - 'I'm not your mom.  I'm the creature that evolved out of your mom.' - Sick of unwanted spam? - 'Oh, oh, another e-mail message from my old college room-mate, Rod Ujis.  Oh, oh my...' - Computer problems make if frustrating to log on? - 'Error 432: network access remote server memory allocation assessment table exceeded.  Hard-drive re-formatting will now commence!? What!?' - Looking for something that require no log-ons, no unwanted e-mail, coherent sentences and no technical problems whatsoever? Read a book!  Books, the original internet." - Vampire: Bloodlines, radio commercial.

"Never play hopscotch with a Unicorn."

"Hey!  Who put this art in my porn!?"

"Your biggest individual choice would be that, or, do you consider golden showers and donkey punches more important than taking over the Republic?"

"I shoot the guy who just made me shit myself." - After a close call with a man wielding a shotgun

"'Eek!!! A Tentacle Monster... It's going to rape me!' - ' Rape you!?  Firstly Madam, you have offended me both as a man and as a monster!  Indeed, I should say the very notion of forcing myself sexually upon another being is at once both morally and also physically repugnant to me!  Rape you indeed!!!  Secondly, while I am sure that you are quite attractive for a human being, I must remind you we are two different species and to be perfectly honest with you, the human species is not one that I find that terribly attractive.  Most definitely not sexually attractive, to say the least!' - 'I said, Eek... a tentacle monster, it's going to rape me!!!' - 'Couldn't we just cuddle?!?'" - Ghastly's Ghastly Comic

"' DUDE!  Like, why on Earth would you ever want to summon Cthulhu?' - ' Well, you see, the thing is, women don't really dig Fnanp much.  And it doesn't help that I can't talk to them without making an idiot of myself.  But man, if I could do something as cool as summoning Cthulhu and having him devour all that is it'd be so cool women would line up just to talk to me!  Fnanp would RULE!' - 'And just what do you think they'll say to you when we're all on the inside of Cthulhu's intestines?' - 'Oh!  I know!  You da shit!'" - Ghastly's Ghastly Comic

"Typing without fingers sucks.  Typing without fingers while sexually exited sucks even more." - Ghastly's Ghastly Comic

"Don't you just hate cybering with people who aren't as good at it as you are?  Er... I mean... nevermind." - Ghastly's Ghastly Comic

"I stopped asking questions the day that tentacle monsters started coming into my bar." - Ghastly's Ghastly Comic

"Read it, or we'll kill Jar Jar Binks... Oh, heh.  Sorry, that's suppose to be an 'and' not an 'or'" - Web Comic Ad

"Your horns... it's like having power steering for oral sex!" - Ghastly's Ghastly Comic

"'I love you!' - 'That is your misfortune'" - Gone with the Wind.

"You are, as we say in the monastery... fucked." - Josh

"In the beginning, all was NULL - or perhaps it was (void*) - we'll never really know, so we may as well stop worrying about it and get back to obsessing over how we'd rather be fornicating." - VegaStrike History

"Love and battle are both intimate acts, both done in heat and sweat with the sounds of cries echoing in your ears.  And really - who is to say which is the more dangerous?"

"Victory needs no explanation, Defeat allows none." - DeathMarine

"If I'm chasing after some guy, and even if in the first second I close half the distance between me and him, then half that distance in the second second, then half that distance in the third second, I'm always going to be half some distance behind him, and I'll never catch him.  Which is why I have a gun."

"The wind rises electric. She's soft and warm and almost weightless. Her perfume is sweet promise that brings tears to my eyes. I tell her that everything will be all right; that I'll save her from whatever she's scared and take her far far away. I tell her that I love her.  [silenced gunshot]  The silencer makes a whisper of the gunshot. I hold her close until she's gone. I'll never know what she was running from. I'll cash her check in the morning. " - Sin City

"After a while all I'm doing is punching wet chips of bone into the floorboards. So I stop." - Sin City

"The Valkyrie at my side is shouting and laughing with the pure, hateful, bloodthirsty joy of the slaughter... and so am I." - Sin City

"An old man dies. A young girl lives. A fair trade." - Sin City

"Sure he's an asshole... Sure he's dead... Sure I'm just imagining that he's talking. None of that stops the bastard from being absolutely right." - Sin City

"And after I pull off that miracle, maybe I'll go punch out God." - Sin City

"Most people think Marv is crazy. He just had the rotten luck of being born in the wrong century. He'd be right at home on some ancient battlefield swinging an axe into somebody's face. Or in a Roman arena, taking his sword to other gladiators like him. They woulda tossed him girls like Nancy back then." - Sin City

"'Go where?' - 'England?' - 'England? I don't believe it' - 'Oh, just a cospiracy of cartographers, you mean.'" - R & G Are Dead

"My life is like a porno-movie, without the sex." - Ogge!

"I think I could fall madly in bed with you."

"A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother."

"Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much... the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons." - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics."

"It will be a great day when our schools get all the money they need, and all the militaty has to do is have a bake sale for a new bomber."

"Do not walk behind me for you are not my slave, and do not walk next to me, even though you are my equal.. but walk five steps in front of me cause baby you got a nice ass!" - Allyn Rodriguez

"Sects, sects, sects... Is that all you monks think about?"

"When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil."

"Your school GPA is inversely proportionate to your girlfriend's looks and vise versa." - Science College Professor

"A whiskey glass and a woman's ass are the downfall of many a good man." - Rick Chapman

"If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable."

"That which does not kill us, only makes us stranger."

"When I was a lad, there was only one Germany, Latvia, Estonia, Khazachstan, Eusbekistan, Bosnia, Herzegovina; and then it all changed. And then it all changed back again. Those changes cost the lives of 66 million people. But it didn't cost me a penny -- 'cause I kept my old atlas."

"I think slangs are existing for make fun of foreign exchange students." - One foreign exchange student from Japan

"Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name."

"A man hit my fender the other day and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful and multiply.' But not in those words."

"Eskimo's have 49 words in their language to define snow because they have so much of it. In the english language, there are more then 50 ways to define a moron..."

"Paranoid? Probably. But just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that there isn't an invisible demon about to eat your face."

"Nothing says lovin' quite like goods from your burning victims."

"I don't need your love, I have my CPU to keep me warm."

"And... she bites." - Another inside joke from RPGing

"You're just jelous because the voices only talk to me."

"Players will play Shadowrunners, who are Horrible People that Shoot People Right in the Face for Money. They will form Extravagant Plans, something will go Completely Wrong, but they will Improvise and get Paid Anyway. The Shadowrunners will then Fence the Loot to feed their Crippling Drug Addictions that they acquired so that they would have the build points to better Shoot People Right in the Face." - Review of Shadowrun 4th edition.

"Trying to get [Shadowrun] players to be evil is like trying to get a pig to roll in shit." - Mercer

"Remember, it's not grave robbing if you stake the body first."

"There was an old lady who swallowed an RFID
I dunno why she swallowed that RFID,
Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a tag eraser,
That wriggled and jiggled and erased inside her.
She swallowed the tag eraser to catch the RFID.
But I dunno why she swallowed that RFID -
Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a jammer, rating 6;
How absurd, to swallow a jammer, rating 6!
She swallowed the jammer, rating 6 to catch the tag eraser,
That wriggled and jiggled and erased inside her.
She swallowed the tag eraser to catch the RFID.
But I dunno why she swallowed that RFID -
Perhaps she'll die

There was an old lady who swallowed a Hacker.
Imagine that, she swallowed a Hacker.
She swallowed the Hacker to catch the jammer, rating 6 ...
She swallowed the jammer, rating 6 to catch the tag eraser
That wriggled and jiggled and erased inside her.
She swallowed the tag eraser to catch the RFID.
But I dunno why she swallowed that RFID
Perhaps she'll die

There was an old lady who swallowed a ARES -
She's dead, of course." - SR4 humor...

"A computer lets you to make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history. With the possible exception of handguns and tequila." --Mitch Ratcliffe

"When the rules get in the way of the story, ignore the rules and tell the story." Shadowrun 4th edition rulebook.

"It ain't over 'till the fat lady gets her limbs whacked off and sold to an organlegger!" - SR QuoteFile

"'I open the door.' - 'You see a Wendigo looking at you vicious and drooling.' - 'I shut the door.'" - SR QuoteFile

"Phoenix, to the vehicle shop owner from the Imago run, when asked for her driver's license: 'Yeah, we'll need one of those.'" - SR QuoteFile

"So we burst into this corporate's bedroom and he wants to know 'who the hell are you?', so I say to him 'who the hell is anybody?' and that little philosophical problem shut him up. Well, that and three 10mm bullets" - SR QuoteFile

"And God saw the man's rifle, and it was good but it was not automaic. Then God saw the man's gattling gun and it was good, but it was too big. So God created the assault rifle, and it was good." - SR QuoteFile

"When you pull the pin from Mr Grenade, He is no longer your friend..." - SR QuoteFile

"Well, how am *I* supposed to know? Maybe that's how you humans do things! I don't know how you expect me to know about all this, the birds and the bees and the bullets in the knees..." - SR QuoteFile

"Troll: 'Ehran, eh? Wields two rapiers? So what, I can toss two motorbikes as well.'" - SR QuoteFile

"Our Street Sam (Slugg) was going to a meet on corp gounds, with me (Mage) as backup.
Upon arrival, we were both asked to check our weapons - Slugg (who made the appointment) hands over for safekeeping a gauntlet of weapons, including an assault-rifle, pistol, grenade launcher, grenades, etcetera etcetera etcetera.  I follow her lead and hand over my one Savolette Guardian, and stun rounds.
Guard: 'She has an appointment - who are you?'
Me: 'Her bodyguard.'" - SR QuoteFile

"Decker to troll: How the hell did you sneak that Roomsweeper past the guards? The patted us all down for christs sake.
Troll: I hid it where no sane person would feel up a troll.
Decker: Thank you. Thats a little bit more than i need to know.
Troll: Hey. You asked." - SR QuoteFile

"Yes, there are Dragons around, but outside of the trideo, the average person can count on one hand the number of real dragons he'll see in his entire life.  But, as everyone knows, he's better off that way." - Sprawl Sites (SR supplement)

"Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed." - G. K. Chesterton

"Theoretically, a detonating grenade could rebound repeatedly off each of the four walls in a small, well-built room, raising the effective Damage Value of the blast to a value far higher than the original damage of the grenade.  This is known as the 'chunky salsa effect.'" - Shadowrun 4th Edition Rulebook

"Of these the most remarkable, which some turtles share with dragonfly nymphs, sea cucumbers, and certain televangelists, is the ability to breathe through one's butt."

"'Why don't we talk about the best way to get laid in Philadelphia?' - 'The best way, I've found, is to use a bed.  But there is a school of thought that says that turning them upside down in a shower is the way to go.'" - The Corps: Semper Fi

"That which does not kill me is dead when I'm through with it."

"An elegant weapon for a more civilised time.  Heh, well, times have changed." - Star Wars: Republic Commando

"Doctor, I'm taking your sister under my protection here.  If anything happens happens to her, anything at all, I swear to you, I will get very choked up.  Honestly.  There could be tears." - Serenity

"Right, I'm going in. Get me grenades, shotguns, rifles, machineguns and a new character sheet." - SR Quote

"Games you only play once: Cats Cradle with monofilament wire."

"Why can't I have a monofilament weed-whacker!"

"'Hey, if your GM is throwing too many pretty magic flowers and happy cyber-puppies in your path, then that just means easier pickin's for your gritty shadowrunner.' - 'And your characters can sell the happy cyber puppies to a chop shop for beer money!" - Dumpshock Forums

"Wolf wins every fight but one, and in that one he dies."

"Any candy company with its own intelligence division must be serious business."

"I think I just had an evilgasm." - Order of the Stick

"JESUS SAVES...yeah, Cthulhu saves too... in case he's hungry later."

"Dragons: Color-coded for YOUR convenience!" - Order of the Stick

"'A paladin never compromises' - 'Does a paladin ever remove the stick from their ass?' - 'No.  It's a class feature'" - Order of the Stick

"Dude, don't taunt the god-killing abomination." - Order of the Stick

"Women are the reason I became a monk... and the reason I changed back..."

"I am both happy and miserable, without the happy part!"

"I estimate Fall-from-Grace to be found attractive by the male sex of over 321423 separate species. Give or take 5." - Planescape: Torment

"'Morte, what happened to your body?' - 'Oh! I'm the head of Vecna!'" - Planescape: Torment

"'Morte, I'm curious... what happened to your body?' - 'It's a long story involving the Head of Vecna. I don't want to talk about it.' - '(Laughing) That was you?' - 'Could we *please* change the subject?'" - Planescape: Torment

'"Life swallowed you and spit you out!' - 'It swallowed him, but I don't know if he came out of THAT end!'"

"Merry Christmas, have you done a nice boy & girl." - X-Mas card at Engrish.com

"'What do you think is going on, anyway?' - 'Some horrible Wagnerian thing,' I told him, 'full of blood, thunder, and death for us all.' - 'Oh, the usual,' Luke said. - 'Exactly,' I replied." - Coming to a Cord

"There is no 'overkill'. There is only 'open fire' and 'I need to reload'."

"People say that if you play M$ CD's backwards you hear satanic things but that's nothing because if you play them forwards they install Windows."

"There are only 10 kinds of people. Those who understand binary and those who don't."

"He who dies with the most toys has his tomb violated first."

"All you need is a tank."

"'Shadowrun isn't that terribly dystonpian, through.  Not really.' - 'It's more like a stirred-up hornet's nest, only some of the hornets are ninjas.'"

"If I had to speculate, I'd imagine that runners hang out just about anywhere there's enough distraction and mind-altering substances to take their minds off the fact that they're dead, their bodies just haven't been alerted to the fact yet. But it's only a matter of time." - Geekkake at Dumpshock Forums.

"Four words: hot Chinese ork women." - SR4 review

"They've got Pepsi in the Andes, McDonalds in Tibet.  Yosemit's been turned into a golf course for the Japs.  The Dead Sea is alive with rap.  Between the Tigris and Euphrates, there's a leisure center now.  They've got all kinds of spots, they've got Bermuda shorts.  They had sex in Pennsylvania.  A Brazilian grew a tree.  A doctor, in Manhattan, saved a dying man for free." - Roger Waters "It's a Miracle"

"As seen in a Seattle Public Schools math exam: If Johnny Shadowrunner, Age 20, wants to retire at age 45, and Mr. Johnson pays 20k for every job, and Johnny can take 2 jobs per month, How many people does Johnny Shadowrunner have to shoot in the face for money to retire with 7 million NuYen?"

"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf" - George Orwell

"Sure, I can translate spanish. 'Muerte', that means life I think..." - Thomas

"NASCAR =  Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks"

"Bastech E-11 rifle: In heroic Rebel hands, a devastatingly accurate and powerful weapon.  In evil Imperial hands, the equivalent of shouting 'BANG!' at an opponent."

"Seduction (And Other Things Characters Can Often Do Better Than Players)" - Heading in the SR adventure 'On The Run'

"Cthulhu will occasionally manipulate graphics, sound, and controls in an unusual way.  This is perfectly normal, and it is unlikely to be a problem with either your game disc or your sanity." - Warning in Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth

"Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window."

"Please get me out of this screwy Anime." - An Anime character in Jubei-Chan

"'Think I can keep him?' - 'Bu.. But... It's a tentacle Monster!!!'" - Meekerz

"New Identity: 3 million nuyen
Novahot Deck: 10 million nuyen
SOTA Utilities: 8 milion nuyen
Buying out Ares in under 60 seconds: Priceless
There are somethings money can't buy, for everything else, there is Dunkelzahn"

"I'm definitely Admiral Ackbar.  Isn't it obvious why?  He's the man!  And by 'man' I mean 'Squid'" - Damon Lindelof (Writer of 'Lost')

"If you meet God, tell him to just leave me alone!!" - Berserk

"Guns don't kill, Magic Missiles do."

"life's not life without the zesty zip of... Geoff."

"'I am so very disapointed in you.' - 'Why, they behaved temselves.' - 'And that's what disapoints me.'" - Anywhere but Here

"You know what they say - Home is where you hang your enemy's head." - Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion

"She had a body like a mountain road.  Full of curves and places you'd like to stop for a picnic."

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

"We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit." - Aristotle

"How do you kill a circus? ... Go for the juggler." - The Movies

"If the human mind was simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to understand it." - Emerson Pugh

"The savior of a world without hope faces her greatest challenge: Cleavage!"

"I can tell by your middle finger that you're warming up to me." - Brad Sucks; Bad Attraction

"When men of action cease to believe in a cause, they believe only in action." - Time to Hunt

"I'd rather be having sex... but watching a progress bar is an ample substitute."

"Death is always funny until the prospect is a possibility" - Brandy

"When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow"

"'sex?" - 'yes...' - 'male/female?' - 'male, female... sometimes camel'"

"'Emotional Hemophilia'" is what I call it.  [Emotional wounds] will bleed for a long time to come and every little wound will just make it all worse.  Too bad you can't die from it; that'd make it all better." - Memoirs of a Bloody Man

"Whatever became of the moment when one first knew about death?  There must have been one, a moment, in childhood when it first occurred to you that you don't go on forever.  It must have been shattering --- stamped into one's memory.  And yet I can't remember it.  It never occurred to me at all.  What does one make of that?  We must be born with an intuition of mortality.  Before we know the words for it, before we know that there are words, out we come, bloodied and squalling with the knowledge that for all the compasses in the world, there's only one direction, and time is its only measure." - Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead

"Ros: We might as well be dead.  Do you think death could possibly be a boat?
Guil: No, no, no.  Death is not.  Death isn't.  You take my meaning.  Death is the ultimate negative.  Not-being.  You can't not-be on a boat.
Ros: I've frequently not been on boats.
Guil: No, no, no - what you've been is not on boats." - Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead

"This is called the Onion style of gaming.  The players keep peeling back the layers of the onion until they get to the center - but by the time they do that, they should be crying." - How to be a GM

"'I'll cook, you do dishes; that's fair' - 'But you like to cook, I hate dishes.  That's like saying: I'll play on the PS2, you shove red hot pokers up your ass; that's fair.'"

"Fall-from-Grace: You know, Nordrom, you are perhaps the cutest little rogue modron I have ever encountered.
Nordom: 'Cutest' is a subjective term. I prefer the designation 'fearsome cubed warrior'.
Fall-from-Grace: Of course! That's why you're so cute." - Planescape: Torment

"Fall-from-Grace: Morte, with a vocabulary like yours, you should spend some time at the brothel...
Morte: Hohoho! The gods are merciful!" - Planescape: Torment

"Morte: Hey Nordom, knock-knock.
Nordom: Why do you persist in addressing me as a door?
Morte: It's a joke, you stupid polygon! You're supposed to answer "Who's there?"
Nordom: I know who is there. It is you. Why would I ask a question when I already know the answer?
Morte: Just forget it." - Planescape: Torment

"Nordom: Attention; Morte. I have a question. Do you have a destiny? A purpose?
Morte: Is Annah still wearing clothes?
Nordom: Affirmatory.
Morte: Then the answer is yes." - Planescape: Torment

"Nordom: A query, Annah: is your tail's purpose to indicate your current level of hostility?
Annah: [angrily] What kind of stupid question is that you pikin' sod box?
Nordom: My analysis is correct. Danger! Danger!" - Planescape: Torment

"There is no room for '2' in the world of 1's and 0's, no place for 'mayhap' in a house of trues and falses, and no 'green with envy' in a black and white world." - Planescape: Torment

"Nameless One: You're going to eat me?
Ghrist: Aye, as soon as ye finish with ye damn fool questions.
Nameless One: You can try, but you'll die from a bellyache as I gut you.
Ghrist: I'll take that chance." - Planescape: Torment

"Morte: Psst. Hey Nordom. Calculate the easiest way for me to 'snuggle with Annah's pillows,' okay?
Nordom: Annah! Morte wants to 'snuggle with your pillows.'
Morte: Shut up! Shut up!!
Annah: Oh, I'll give yeh somethin' to snuggle up to! Eejit!" - Planescape: Torment

"Yves: Greetings.  I am Yves, Tale-Chaser.
Morte: What a coincidence!  I, too, chase tail." - Planescape: Torment

"I think if you're having sex with a sheep, you've got more to worry about than being gay."

     "An elderly man was sitting alone on a dark path, right? He wasn't certain of which direction to go, and he'd forgotten both where he was traveling to and who he was. He'd sat down for a moment to rest his weary legs, and suddenly looked up to see an elderly woman before him. She grinned toothlessly and with a cackle, spoke: 'Now your third wish. What will it be?'
     'Third wish?' The man was baffled. 'How can it be a third wish if I haven’t had a first and second wish?'
     'You've had two wishes already,' the hag said, 'but your second wish was for me to return everything to the way it was before you had made your first wish. That's why you remember nothing; because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes.' She cackled at the poor berk. 'So it is that you have one wish left.'
     'All right,' said the man, 'I don’t believe this, but there’s no harm in wishing. I wish to know who I am.'
     'Funny,' said the old woman as she granted his wish and disappeared forever. 'That was your first wish.'" - Planescape: Torment

"Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever; kill everyone, Adolf, kill them all!" - Bill Hicks

"Going with the flow is fine, just make sure you're not tied to the shore."

"The Lord helps those who arm themselves."

"Remember: When you drink and drive, drive real fast."

"A Hound of Tindalos and a cyber-ninja are not that far apart when they both want you dead." - GURPS Cthulhupunk

"Lovecraft's Mythos is big enough to encompass almost any setting or literary genre, past present or future.  If the Great Old Ones were here in the '30s, then they're still here now and they'll still be here in the next century.  We might not, but they will be." - GURPS Cthulhupunk

"Terror is [...] what you feel when you come home and discover everything you own has been taken away and replaced by an exact duplicate." - GURPS Cthulhupunk

"A well-run CthulhuPunk campaign can offer all the vicarious thrills of Russian Roulette, without any of the mess to clean up afterwards." - GURPS Cthulhupunk

     "In an illuminated world, the undead are everywhere and you just don' know it.  No, they're not reviled by society and hunted down like dangerous animals.  They wear suits and uniforms, and you pay their salaries - in fact, you probably voted for some of them.  The Army has zombie soldiers, but no one who likes to breathe actually asks about the boys in 'Company Z.'  The wealthiest men in the nation are vampires; heck, those long-term investments are a real money-maker when you're immortal.  It's not true what They say about Hitler's brain, though; it's his ghost They've been talking to.
     Now you're going to forget you ever read this.
     In an illuminated world, there are no undead.  Don't be silly.  Now go answer your door.  Don't worry: those men in black suits are quite alive." - GURPS Undead

"'Close' only counts in horseshoes and strategic thermonuclear hand grenades." - GURPS IOU

"Availability of nuclear devices may vary by country.  Please bribe your local Customs officials accordingly." - GURPS IOU

"Maybe, if I shout 'You are all just a pack of cards!' I will shatter and disappear into the wind.  There is a message there, somewhere..." - Memoirs of a Bloody Man

"The curve of her smile promised things that were probably illegal, and bad for you, and would carry warnings from the Surgeon General, but that you'd still want to do over and over again." - Grave Peril

"What goes around comes around.  And sometimes you get what's coming around.  And sometimes you are what's coming around." - Grave Peril

"As I pulled into the parking lot, I reflected that odds were that not a lot of clandestine meetings involving mystical assassination, theft of arcane power, and the balance of power in the realms of the supernatural had taken place in a Wal-Mart Super Center. But then again, maybe they had. Hell, for all I knew, the Mole Men used the changing rooms as a place to discuss plans for world domination with the Psychic Jellyfish from Planet X and the Disembodied Brains-in-a-Jar from the Klaatuu Nebula. I know I wouldn't have looked for them there." - Summer Knight

"'You are not a religious man, then.' - 'I wouldn't burden any decent system of faith by participating in it.'" - Death Masks

"'What does [the truck] run on, coal?' - 'No idea.  Mostly I just turn it loose to hunt down dinner for itself.'" - Blood Rites

"If there was one thing faeries hated doing, it was giving you a straight answer, about anything.  Getting plain speech out of one is like pulling out teeth.  Your own teeth.  Through your nose." -  Proven Guilty

"'Evil's afoot.' - 'Well, sure,' Bob said, 'because it refuses to learn the metric system.  Otherwise it'd be up to a meter by now.'" - White Night

"Lead me not into temptation.  I know the way myself."

"Every action has an older brother that is WAY more powerful then you... or something like that" - Shadowrun: Sunset Over Seattle

"Driving a stick is just like riding a bike, except without the peddles, handlebars, the whole two wheel thing as well as the small seat that you, somehow, have to manage to fit your ass onto.  Alright...scratch that. Driving a stick is NOTHING like riding a bike."

"[...] names are not all that tricky a field; there are only a couple of ways you can go wrong, and to be frank, if you believe that SexyDeath is a really cool name to be roleplaying under, then the finer points of self-description are not what you need to be studying." - A guide to writing @Descriptions

"This means pay attention to grammar and spelling. Don't groan. I know not everyone is a whiz at these things; but you're entering a text environment, where spelling and grammar are as basic as hygiene and manners." - A guide to writing @Descriptions [and good thing to keep in mind when chatting online...]

"'What's this play about?' - 'It's about to make me rich.'"

"Hmm, think I may need to quit being a priest if I'm going to date a demon."

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.  Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."

"'This is not fun,' I said.  I stared at the empty walls. 'I've had fun.  This isn't it.'" - Day For Damnation

"There's a half-off sale on mithril panties, bro!" - Negima

"'Oh, god, there's no God or Buddha!' - 'A daughter of a god shouldn't say such a thing.'" - Shuffle

"Forget hackers, I have my buddies Smith & Wesson: innovators of the point-and-click interface." - SR4: Arsenal

"I'd rather die on my feet, than live on my knees."

"If you happen to see anything in this video that might be illegal, then you didn't really see what you thought you saw.  You really just saw something that was completely innocent, and through your own dirty mind, you made it out to be something perverse.  It's all your fault, don't try to blame it on us!" - Part of the disclaimer from AMV Hell 0

"'I'll be done in a microsoft minute' - 'Don't think you have that much time.'"

"I sold my soul to get into a band.  But, that's okay - I have extras."

"Would you mind if I killed you?" Within Temptation - What Have You Done

"If I can figure out a way to edit and shovel snow at the same time I will be set."

"Christian Gangsta Rap" - Song Genre from WinAMP

"Thank you for watching Makoto get wftbbq pwned." - Final thank you from m.3.3.w-fansubs for School Days

"Herpes Valentines Day!" - Solaris-SVU

"Death awaits us all... but he follows you."

"Forty percent of all accidents represent... nearly half of all accidents." - MST3K

"I said SLAY the dragon, not LAY the dragon!"

"You can not have a proper Dystopia without some glimmer of hope, if only so that hope can be stepped on again and again. But therein lies the flaw of any proper Dystopia: There is still Hope..."

"The shutter is clicked, the flash goes off, and they've stopped time, if just for the blink of an eye.  And if these pictures have anything important to say to future generations, it's this:  'I was here.  I existed.  I was young.  I was happy and someone cared enough about me in this world to take my picture." - One Hour Photo

"'Um...  if I wrote 51 pages to die on the first day I'm going to pull an MSU hiding in the sewers role playing freak out thing' - 'Well then, make sure you don't die.'" - Sunset Over Seattle

"[...] where does the dystopianism come in? Well I guess that an increasingly self-centred society, an increasingly prevalent attitude of 'I have a right to everything I want' leads to much less actual sacrifice for a partner. In [Shadowrun] 2070, probably the only taboo left is to actually fall in love and make do with each other's imperfections."

"Wow, that paragraph made me sound like an elitist AND a pervert. I feel special."

"[...] hell hath no fury like an insane AI with a black hammer program and access to your nervous system..."

"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."

"All of the biggest technological inventions created by man - the airplane, the automobile, the computer - says little about his intelligence, but speaks volumes about his laziness."

"The average human has one breast and one testicle."

"Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year."

"There is a problem when a thread about tentacle rape turns into deep philosophical discourse..."

"As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists."

"Say you were standing with one foot in the oven and one foot in an ice bucket.  According to the percentage people, you should be perfectly comfortable. "

"I guess cows aren't into the four food groups, especially when they are two of them."

"Statistics are like bikinis.  What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital."

"Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter."

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia."

"Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves." - Albert Einstein

"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts." - Albert Einstein

"Do not worry about your problems in mathematics. I assure you, my problems with mathematics are much greater than yours." - Albert Einstein

"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." - Albert Einstein

"Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them." - Albert Einstein

"Torture numbers, and they'll confess to anything."

"Then there is the man who drowned crossing a stream with an average depth of six inches."

"Goats aren't scary unless they have wired reflexes 3 at least."

"'You should just die, God...' - 'Apparently, Daisuke's God is mortal'" - Bitter Virgin & Solaris

"[...] you can't sell your soul, like everyone else its already gone..."

"I imagine in the barrens sometimes that desperate survivor situation is 'Tuesday'."

"I figure, since I'm not willing to pay for porn, why should I make someone else do it?"

"Damn, she's got a great ping."

"'Just make sure they're not whererats. I hate those things.' - 'Yep, those invisible lycanthropic rodents sure do suck!'"

"The only thing I have pleanty of is wishes"

"Having a dream come true and being happy. . .  Why are they so different?"

"Wake up, bitch.  You're my new best friend."

'"Alright, we've got our CZ done.  He's got four feet of armor plating, six miniguns, with which he can hit a fly-spy at two klicks.  Missing anything?" - "Um... eyes?"'

"Aren't you the one who abandoned your woman and your friends to sell your soul for music?  Even if the one who bought it was me..."

"I might survive long enough to kill myself"

"Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom, to understand my fellow man;
Love, to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death."

"You know, you're really quite charming, when you arn't killing people."

"Shadowrun doesn't have players and GMs, it has criminals in training and devious masterminds." - Large Mike

"Don't fear the reaper.  She's got big tits."

"I was going crazy.  No.  I was already crazy.  I was going crazier."

"This was exactly what I used to fantasize about in high school -- and ever since: to have a beautiful and friendly and very naked girl encouraging me to join her in bed.  The obvious thing to do was yell, 'Banzai!' and leap.  I took a step back and looked for the bear trap."

"Watching Anime is like being kicked in the balls by a clown."

"I'd hit that so hard that the first guy to pull me off would automatically become the rightful King of England."

"'I think I just dated myself.' - 'Ah, but did you get lucky?'"

"What's clear is that Shodan shouldn't be allowed to play God.  She's far too good at it."

"The Sunday School teacher asked, 'Who can tell me what we must do before we can ask forgiveness of sin?'  After a long silence, a pupil suggested, 'Well, first we've got to sin...'"

"By late 1978, Bill Crowe and I were on a first-name basis:  He called me Dick, and I called him Admiral."

"But tonight, I got a headache, 'cause you kicked me in the face."

"Of course I want one.  I want someone to read me my E-Mail!  I want to play games!  I want to download the latest porn!!  Oops.  Did I say that out loud?  Guess I've been living alone for too long..."

"These bad areas are measured as 'Z' - no police support, no public services. Worse than just Z (as in in the middle of a ghoul nest) is ZZ or ZZZ. I've never seen an area labelled as ZZZ however, since presumably those places just get carpet bombed."

"I'll apologize if you die."

"'[Women] look like us.' - 'Speak for yourself' - 'Two arms, two legs.' - 'Two faces.'"

"That would be difficult.  And by difficult, I mean fucking impossible (or nearly so)."

"And He whispered to me in the darkness as we lay together, Tell Me where to touch you so that I can drive you insane; tell Me where to touch you to give you ultimate pleasure, tell Me where to touch you so that we will truly own each other. And I kissed Him softly and whispered back, Touch my mind."

"Hate the crime, not the Fetish!!"

"[Phones are] designed to be a tool for communication, but is actually used as an instrument to test the intimacy between two people.  This is the kind of thing I hate the monst." - Nana

"If Cinderella's glass slipper fit so perfectly, I wonder why it fell off along the way?  I can't help but think that it was on purpose, to attract the prince's affections." - Nana

"Even if [the movie is] not wanted, it's still being created" - Japanese Movie Ad

"'My first girlfriend turned into the moon' - 'That's rough, buddy.'" - Avatar

"What doesn't kill ya, just ups your insurance premiums." - Human Weapon - Muay Thai

"'I call Shotgun.' - 'I call 9mm.'" - Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles

"Yeah, that was real convincing.  Still, hard to argue with a ten ton magical monster." - Avatar

"'Are you saying I'm a liar?' - 'I'm saying you're an optimist. . .  Same thing basicly.'" - Avatar

"You're so beautiful when you hate the world." - Avatar

"'Like my grandma use to say, if at first you don't succeed...' - 'Try a larger thermonuclear reaction?' - 'Her words exactly.'" - Stargate SG-1 (10x03)

"'She displays the wisdom of a battle seasoned warrior.' - 'She's a mother. Close enough.'" - Stargate SG01 (10x07)

"You have biases against people too, despite how politically incorrect it is to say it. When I see someone running down the street with a machete in one hand and a human head in the other, I'm locking house up like Fort Knox, getting the shotgun, and potshotting his ass from the second story. You know why? Because that bitch is crazy. Now if your plan sounds more like 'I'm incapable of making logical deductions, I'd ask the disembodied head if he had actually been killed by that nice man,' then chances are you're retarded."

"'I wonder what God is thinking... I don't know anymore' - 'It's easy. God gives hope to people, courage to men, love to women, future to children and comfort to old people... And to vultures like us God gives lead bullets.'" - Area 88

"We don't know a 1 millionth of one percent about anything!"

"It's already legendary! The '7/29 Beer Bukkake Incident'"

"Fog may be icy" - Road Sign on I-80

"Money can not buy you love, but it can rent a reasonable facsimile."

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."

"When every dark destiny you ever craved can be bought and sold, what's left to desire? Freedom."

"If you're going around in circles, maybe you're just cutting corners."

"'Do you think music has the power to change the world?'-'[...] But anyways, even the birth and death of christ and buddha haven't done a whole lot of good... so unfortunately, I don't think tomorrow will bring much either.'" - Beck (manga)

"Yeah, I'm a whore, but at least I work cheep."

"[...] wearing nothing more then their birthday suits.  Which I must say, were very translucant because you could see their naked bodies right through them."

"I'm gaining strength, trying to learn to pull my own weight."

"You should never get that obsessed over a someone you can never touch"

"It's all fun and games until you piss off a redhead."

"Seizing this rare opportunity, I motion to the airhostess and inform her that I could easily rid them of vast quantities of cumbersome beer and make this flight a lot safer for all concerned, to which she replies "Sorry sir, we don't serve drink until we are airborne." Obviously she mistook my perfectly understandable English for some alien code and I was forced to reduce my instruction to monosylables which was surprisingly met with compliance. Having secured something liquid refreshment, I released the hostages and returned to my seat."

"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."

"Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, and they'll call you crazy."

"X-rated movies are all alike... the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot."

"This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extereme violence."

"In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: Magic and bullshit."

"The word good has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man"

"100,000 lemmings can't be wrong."

"Be creative, invent a perversion."

"If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way."

"Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower."

"Research shows that nine out of ten men who try Camel... prefer women."

"The only reason so many people attended his funeral was they wanted to make sure he was dead."

"We all enter this world in the same way: naked; screaming; soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there."

"The story goes that I first had the idea for [The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy] while lying drunk in a field in Innsbruck."

"Quoting: the act of repeating erroneously the words of another."

"There is a CD out entitled 'The Worst of Jefferson Airplane'. If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?"

"What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull."

"Why does free love cost so much?"

"Cancer cures smoking."

"They all laughed at Albert Einstein. They all laughed at Columbus. Unfortunately, they also all laughed at Bozo the Clown."

"1.  Alexander the Great was a great general.
 2. Great generals are forewarned.
 3. Forewarned is forearmed.
 4. Four is an even number.
 5. Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
 6. The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms."

"A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, 'The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.'"

"On 1st April, 1980, London's Capital Radio announced that the hovercraft service from Heathrow airport had been cancelled beacuse of the low tide. Amazing considering Heathrow is some 40 miles away from the coastline."

"What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?"

"You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." - Albert Einstein

"When you die you go to heaven. Until then welcome to hell!"

"The story so far:
  In the beginning the Universe was created.
  This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

"How boring is life in the Antarctic? People in one group wintering at the South Pole in the 1960s watched the film "Cat Ballou" 87 times. People in another, after tiring of the westerns, Disney features and pornographic films on hand, spliced the movies together into their own production and adopted a vocabulary based on their creation that was so strange that relief crews arriving in the spring could barely understand them."

"One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping. Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note: 'Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad.'"

"Warning: Do not drink the battery acid. It doesn't taste good and will hurt you. Also do not bite the tyres, especially while the bike is moving.  Our lawyers made us put these warnings in." - An Australian motorcycle manual

"Our relationship isn't quite a role reversal, but it's close: I play both parts, she plays neither."

"No matter how much time I spend here, I'm always surprised by something. And oddly enough...intrigued."

"'You have done enough, though.  We will welcome you home.' - 'I must return.  There is so much to do' - 'You have done enough' - 'When there is still things to do, then I have not done enough.'"

"See, this is what happens when you get all your information on female psychology from internet erotica text files."

"For completeness sake, this model correctly animates, it correctly recolours based on the characters skin colour and most importantly properly supports dismemberment."

"'I only play pure games that simulate love and relationships.  Nothing else.' - 'You're kidding they make non-porn version of games like that?  Wow.  That's... really sad' - 'Uhn.  It can be sometimes.'"

"'Hang in there!  It's not that bad, Usopp!  Only your femur is broken!  Your nose and hurmerus and collarbone are all pretty much gone too . . .  But, your massive compound bleeding is only a tad past the point where you should be dead . . .  Your blood pressure is almost like a zombie's, but . . . You've got nothing to worry about!' - 'Ah . . . I feel so good right now . . .'" - One Piece (eps 116)

"'Are you interested in haunted mansions?' - 'If being able to name every midieval torture device off the top of my head is being interested, then yes.'" - W Wish

"'What did you get?' - 'Walnuts and aloe.  Bananas and garlic.' - 'Rats and frogs.' - 'Yosh, toss it all in the stew!' - 'Wait a second! Some of those ingredients were really gross!' - 'Oh, silly me!  How careless . . . You don't like garlic?'" - One Piece (eps 166)

"A man has to be very, very, strong.  One cannot survive unless he is strong enough. Why?  Because girls are too violent!  Too scary!  Just like dinosaurs!!" - Girl Saurus

"'You're huge!!  How did you get like that!?' - 'My father's ancestors were giraffes.'" - Yotsubato (aka Yotsuba&!)

"Hate and Love are strong and dangrous words.  To hate, you have to be willing to kill.  To Love, you have to be willing to die and, worse, live."

"'All you have to do is talk about the dream you saw this moring and your trouble will dissolve away. It was conceived by Freud-san, and has been popular since the 19th century.  Now, please tell me about your dream so I can analyse it!' - 'Alright, then... How about a dream with a giant, burly snake diving into the sea; an apple stabbled through by a broad sword; and the firing of a splendid shining black gun? (Snicker)' - 'Let's see, snake - sea - apple - sword - gun... (blush) Th.. that's it for Freud!!  Next up in yung!!'" - Welcome to the N.H.K.

"On that note, I'm going shopping.  For bomb-making materials and cup ramen.  Because I don't want to watch someone starve to death." - Welcome to the N.H.K.

"Wha - You've got some nerve, Eva, talking to me like that when you're not even really here!" - Negi

"1000¥ of armor today saves 100,000¥ in hospital bills tomorrow" - Dumpshock

"Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Take his fish away and tell him he's lucky just to be alive, and he'll figure out how to catch another one for you to take tomorrow." - Dumpshock

"If its in my way, a roadmaster [with] ramming plate at full speed tends to kill it..." - Dumpshock

"'I wonder if there are Horror-esque beings in the dark reaches of the Resonance Realms...' - 'You mean like long lost copies of Windows Vista?'" - Dumpshock

"'No weaknesses? Don't think I like that.' - 'They got the same weakness every animal do: they don't like high-velocity, steel-jacketed lead.' - 'Guess it's some kind of allergy, huh?'" - Paranormal Animals of North America

"Forgiveness is between them and God.  It's my job to arrainge the meeting." - Man On Fire

"Slaughter: It can't be spelled without laughter."

"'Men: Enlarge Your Unit' - 'Yes! Now I can have a two man squad!' - 'No, no, I don't think that's what they mean.' - 'What? You mean I can have a full platoon?'"

"What an amazing first ep.  Lets meet our veteran flying ace hero who will mold the young guns in his image... *squish* ...or not. "

"'Loli: My Anti-Drug' - 'Think I'd rather be caught with drugs...'"

"[...] and we'll rock out with our cocks out.' - 'I'll come play with you guys, but I have a strict cock-in policy when it comes to rocking out.' - 'Don't worry, I was just jokin'. I tried that once and my bass chafed me up something awful.'"

"I'm a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in an awesome rack."

"Welcome to the MC Escher drawing that has been my morning."

"'What else have you done?' - '[...] slapped Nancy Ragan on the ass... [...] Yep. The head Secret Service guy said he didn't know whether to high-five me or shoot me.'"

"'Your mom is Veronica Vance?  Holy shit kid, I musta wacked it to your mom's pictures a million friggin' times!  That... that was prob'ly too much information, huh.' - 'It's okay.  Your daughter has put my penis in her mouth.' - 'Touche, kid.  Touche.'"

"'You... knocked her out?' - 'Vulcan Boob Squish!'"

"There is a jap word for this, but I'm not gunna say it because it's bukkake"

"Knights don't misfire"

"You take away the fap material, then you've got a bunch of horny, angry freaks running around. Rape skyrockets, and everyone wonders why.
But hey, at least no one is masturbating in the privacy of their own homes anymore, right?
Futalolis save lives. Leave the porn alone before more people get hurt."

"I don't know what's more sad:  That I'm nerdy enough to catagorize my porn, or that I have enough that it needs to be..."

"I don't know what worries me more, that she's checking her makeup in her sword reflection... or that it turns me on."

"Some of the themes in Elona such as cannibalism, slavery, sex for hire and the nuking of the capital city Palmia may not be suitable for children so depending on your style of parenting, I encourage you to play first before introducing it to a child."

"Sometimes the people we miss are the ones we never knew - so always take windage, angle and humidity into account before pulling the trigger."

"'Performing Punk music while wearing cassocks, huh? I hope we won't be punished.' - 'We'll be fine! The God from the New Testament will forgive us!' - 'But the God from the Old Testament would kill us.'" - Kira Kira

"'Shana still gets her proverbs wrong.' - 'No I don't. It's just a tonge in the slip.' - 'That one's pretty raunchy.'"

"I don't know what I'm looking at, but I like the way you think."

"When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers." - Oscar Wilde

"'You don't look like you're properly reflecting on your actions! After touching a girl's delicate chest, you should say something!' - '... Thanks?'"

"'Hell of a world we live in, huh? But, it could be worse.' - 'That's right, or even worse, it could be perfect.'" - The Gernsback Continuum

"Bad Samurai, no seppuku for you!"

"'[...]Imamoto will clean the house.' - '...sure' - 'Toraya... Please fight the Kraken.' - 'EH!?'" - Onidere (manga)

"The sun was shining that day, and under the cumulonimbus clouds that this artist is getting very tired of drawing..." - H2 (manga)

"'Is that Godzilla on the horizon?' - 'No, it's just my ego.'" - H2 (manga)

"'Yep, just as I expected. Eighty pages of tentacle rape' - 'Yes, but in my comic the Schoolgirls are raping the Tentacle Monsters!' - 'I'm more disturbed by the fact that this is apparently volume eighteen.'" - Questionable Content

"But she's looking this way and smiling. Looking very satisfied at having found the person who killed her, her smile seems to say, 'you've finally come--'"

"She looks more disgusted than angry. But, right now, that's how I feel too. Because someone I've killed is complaining to me about killing her."

"'Are you saying you can't accept a person's goodwill?' - 'Hey, you're not a person, you're a vampire.'"

"Come on now, being buried alive is a once in a lifetime chance, ya know!"

"One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world."

"The house does not rest upon the ground but upon a woman" - Mexican Proverb

"'The Information Bureau! A bunch of peanut brains unable to even feed cats!' - 'Aren't you being a bit harsh, sire?' - 'You think so, Nastorya? You were just transferred from the Information Bureau, right? I take that back then. The people at the Information Bureau... are perfectly suited to feed cats.'" - Crest of the Stars

"'Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish...' - 'And he will starve before he catches anything.'"

"What a scandal! A student and teacher in a lewd relationship! [...] It's not that I'm mad. If anything, I'm jealous." - Onigai Teacher

"'Do you know what caused your fever?' - 'There is a parasitic organism feeding on my patient's body.' - 'It's not that! I'm... going to have a baby.'" - Vandread

"Why do her eyes want me to club baby seals?"

"Sometimes I think we're alone in the universe and sometimes I think we're not. In either case the idea is quite staggering." - Arthur C. Clarke

"If two ships are enough to do the job, bring ten."

"You know you've been on the computer too much when you woner which cheap Photoshop filter was used to make the pretty clouds in the sky."

"'We have to talk.' - 'Talk? That is rather unorthodox, beloved, but if that is your kink...'"

"'You are not allowed to sell sex to customers.' - 'I was not selling it, beloved. It came free with purchase.'"

"'I've decided what I'm going to be when I grow up!' - 'Robin, you're in Congress.'- 'That's just a hobby.'"

"If I promise not to kill you, can I have a hug?"

"The sword comes out after you swallow it, right?"

"Ironically,people often are most confident when most incompetent. That's because it often takes competence to recognize competence"

"One way to make sure crime doesn't pay would be to let the government run it." - President Ronald Reagan

"Count on me, I vow to my manliness that I'll become the perfect girl!" - Kira Kira

"We are surrounded by Yakuza, religious groups and ghosts. What the hell is this situation?" - Kira Kira

"You've made your dreams come true. Meanwhile, look at me. Then again, seems all my dreams are wet ones." - GTO

"Did I rob a bank in my sleep? Wouldn't be the first time." - GTO

"'I could always sell my interal organs, right?' - 'But don't you need those to live?' - 'It's cool. I got two of some things. Kidney's, Heart...'" - GTO

"There's nothing in life that can't be solved with a secret console code and a broadsword +1" - GTO

"Geez! We promised this morning that you wouldn't club me to death anymore!" - Dokuro-Chan

"I run this on Vista Home Premium and if it works on THAT it would run on a hamster powered Abacus."

"'Can I become pregnant by having sex? [...]' - 'Ah...yes, sex is the usual way to get pregnant. Sex is the best way there is to get pregnant. Some girls get pregnant by getting drunk, which also can work.'" - Yahoo Answers (and Failblog)

"'Sadomi, lemme borrow your eraser.' - 'Eh? Sure thing! [...] But, you see... I don't make stupid mistakes when writing... so I have no eraser!' - '.........' - 'But, if it's a grenade... I always have one! So if you need...' - 'Forget it.'" - Sodomi

"You know, for a messenger from hell, you're not such a bad guy!" - Angel Densetsu

"'Zombies!! Hurry and shut the doors!' - 'We can't! We're a 24hr store!'"

"You know, as a dog, you're simply hopeless. But, as a Human, you're all right." - Tora Dora (Manga)

"What he's doing is right, but I wish he'd stop [saving someone's life], He's going to be late for class."

"Birds are free [...] God himself didn't have wings, even when the devil has them."

"By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates

"I like quoting Einstein. Know why? Because nobody dares contradict you." - Studs Terkel

"... This here is like a tea twig, you see. To be upright in the morning means something good is bound to happen..."

"The sky turned red, like a million brothels opened at one time."

"I want to hire a hooker, can I pay with my body?"

"Liberals claim to give all opinions an equal chance but then are aghast when they find out there actually are other opinions"

"I want to see with my own eyes if he can breach the '1% wall'... But, it would appear he has a fatal weakness. He sucks!!"

"I thought that something like this would happen and had a Skull implanted in my forehead!"

"I thought Jesus quit playing hockey, 'cause he kept getting nailed to the boards."

"Attacking an enemy while they finish their self-introduction is the same thing as attacking a hero in the midst of his transformation special effects!!"

"The Problem with internet quotes and statistics is that often times, they're wrongfully believed to be real." - Abraham Lincoln

"When you're tearing down walls, be careful with the fourth one - the audence is hiding behind it, and we don't want to scare them."

"'The gates of hell will open.' - 'The apocalypse will be upon us.' - 'And everyone we know and love will be in danger of becoming very dead.' - 'So, what else is new?'"

"You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice."

"This work is fiction. Any resemblance to people or events in your life means you're an extremely strange individual."

"I hate it when people on youtube compare Freddie Mercury to God. He is good but for fuck's sake, he is not Freddie Murcury."

"Analysis: Defenseless herbavors are no match for guided missiles." - Mass Effect 2

"I won't be second guessed on my own ship, by my own ship." - Mass Effect 2

"Trapped inside a reaper could be worse. I don't know how, but... I guess it could be full of rats." - Mass Effect 2