[started on 03.11.06]
decided that it was time again to give keri*lite a facelift. it's all about new beginnings. and about new realizations.
my biggest and most important resolution for the year should be to become more independent. actually not MORE independent. but to just be independent, as i don't think i am at all so i can't become more of something i'm not in the first place. i want to support myself. i want to pay my own rent. pay my own utilities. pay my own bills. i'm tired of depending on mom. on family. on jon. on friends. but i just don't know how. or where to start.
maybe finding another job would be a good step. one that pays more. one that i would feel 100% comfortable doing. one that doesn't make me work six days a week. i think that's the biggest part in my life right now that's questionable. my job. is it time to find a new one? when will i know when to change careers? and how do i know what to change to? why don't i have a passion for something? why can't i find my little niche in the world? somewhere i can make MY mark? and why in the world does everyone else seem so much more successful and well-off than me?!
in a few months, i may have the opportunity to move up into management. to what they call the "lead sales" position. a part of me wants to stay for it. after being with the company for a year, i might as well get as much out of it as i possibly can. plus the bonus raise is definitely appealing. even though i'm not quite sure how much it'll be. but a part of me is cringing at the thought. the higher the title you're given, it seems the less of a life you'll have. at times, the job has already pushed me to my limits. and i'm only a sales associate. do i really want to give more of my life to this company? i swear, sometimes i feel like i'm selling my soul. give me a couple of extra dollars per hour and you can have my entire life for all it's worth. ooh. and throw in a bonus if i make my monthly goal and i'll give you my soul as well. deal?
so guess what today's theme was at church? getting out of your comfort zone. being courageous. and most of all, believing in GOD to lead you.
there's a scary yet strange kind of comforting when god speaks directly to you. so i guess now all i have to do is get into motion and take the steps i need to make to reach my goal. i'm going to withhold announcing my goal. maybe because if i don't make it, only i ... and GOD will know. but it's a huge change. one that will put me far beyond my comfort zone. and one that i hope help me figure out who i am and who i'm to become.