FINAL FANTASY 9.5; THE MUTATION CRISIS PART II Written by ker-plop "Man, we've been walking through this cave for days," Eiko groaned. "Are we gonna see sunlight again anytime soon?" "I'm sure the tunnel has an exit," Lou reassured Eiko. "At least I hope it does." "If it doesn't, I'll make one with a Grand Lethal," Zidane said, throwing a few karate kicks. "It's so dark and still..." Saria said. "It's creepy." "You want me to hold your hand?..." Lou asked, stretching his arm out behind him. He felt something squishy. "Is that you, Saria?" he asked. "That's my eye," Zidane grumbled. Lou immediately took his hand back out. "Where's your hand, Lou?" Saria asked. She then grabbed something hand-like. "Is this it?" "That's my tail," Zidane said. "Sorry," Saria said, continuing to grope around. She grabbed something else and heard a squishing sound. "Is that it?" she asked. "No, it ISN'T. Take your hands off," Zidane muttered. "Ouch. You have a hard grip." "Hey, I see some light up ahead," Amarant said, pointing forwards. No one could see his arm, but then again, everyone could see the light, anyway. They walked forward until they came to an opening in the cave. "I'll look in first," Lou said, peering through the crack. What he saw amazed him. There was an entire underground city in front of him. It stretched about 100 feet across on each side, and its glittering lights shone like a million crystals. "Woah," Lou said. "What? Let me see!" Eiko exclaimed. Lou climbed up and onto the rocky hillside so everyone else could come out as well. Once everyone was out, they all stared at it for a long time. "Man...." Amarant said. "Wow..." Eiko said. "Cool," Marc chuckled. "It's beautiful," Saria said. "Odd, the building structures seem to look like the ones that were on Terra," Zidane said. "Kweh," Choco said. "Should we explore it?" Lou asked. "It looks like it's deserted," Amarant said as he looked through his pocket-telescope. "Where'd you get that?" Saria asked. "I ripped it off from a kid with goggles," Amarant said, smiling a bit. "We might as well explore it," Zidane said. "It looks interesting." The party walked down into the city. It was indeed empty. "Not even a gust of wind," Marc said. "That's what's really creeping me out." "These buildings look VERY similar to Terran buildings," Zidane said, looking up at one. "I wonder who built this city..." Somewhere in the city, a monitor blipped on. "Organcs have entered the perimeter," it bleeped. "Note: genetic models 657-Beta and 285-Gamma are with them. Dispatch launchers and alert Masterman." "It's just too quiet," Eiko said. "SOMETHING's gonna happen." Suddenly, 7 robotic mosquitos swooped down upon the party and attacked. They threw electric nets over everyone and carried them away. "Urrrrghhhh....." Lou groaned as he opened his eyes. He could see that he was in a holding cell. Only Marc was with him. The others were in a cell adjacent to his. "Where are we?" "Beats me," Amarant said. "Those screwy metal bugs hauled us off to the jail, I guess." "I wonder what they're going to do to us?" Eiko asked. "Maybe they'll dissect our brains like the aliens do." "Bah," Zidane chuckled. "Aliens don't exist, Eiko." Everyone stared at Zidane in a sarcastic way. "What?" Zidane asked. "Ugh..." a voice groaned in the cell left of Lou. "I know that groan," Lou said, looking over. "...Dragon Master and his cronies!" "So, Lou, we meet again," Dragon Master said. "Apparently, my actions have not gone unnoticed... I was captured by robotic mosquitos and brought here." "They ain't even given us anything to drink!" Quaker complained. "They also clapped some ring on our necks so our mutant powers don't work," Imaginator complained, pointing to the green device. Lou looked and noticed that he and Marc were wearing them, too." "This sucks!" Slash Man yelled, banging on the door. "I want a lawyer! I want a judge!... I want my mom." "Well, if you hadn't finked on her for tax evasion, she might be able to bail you out," Amarant growled. "DON'T make me come over there!" Slash Man shouted angrily. "I'll kill you even without my claws!" "Bickering won't solve anything," Lou said. "The thing is that we're all stuck here without a way to escape." "The kid's right," a voice to the right said. Lou turned to the right. "Oil?!" Lou asked. Oil was sitting in the other cell, the green ring surrounding her neck as well. "Good to see you again, Lou," Oil said, filing her nails. "How're you and Saria getting along?" "I guess the bugs got you too, huh?" Lou asked. "Actually, I came down here of my own will," she explained. "I had heard rumors of an underground city with super-advanced technology, so I wanted to check it out. Unfortunately, the robots clapped this ring on my neck and threw me in here. If I could get this dumb ring off, I'd be able to ooze myself to safety, but no luck." Suddenly, two hovering robot guards appeared and opened the doors to the mutants' cells. "Come," they beeped. "Masterman wishes to see you." "Oh, he does, does he?" Marc asked. "Well, I hope I can talk him into giving us better rooms than this dump." The 7 mutants followed the guards down a large passage. They passed through a large room filled with tubes. Inside the tubes there seemed to be humans surrounded by red goo. "Reminds me of that creepy movie where they keep people in tubes," Marc said. "What movie was that?" Lou asked. "'Night of the living toothpaste.' It was a flop at the box office, but I thought it was good. The only bad part I noted was where they had the Olsen Twins sing a duet." The trip continued until the group reached a huge room. It was so big that the walls couldn't be seen. All around was darkness except for the doorway out and the huge building with the monitor on top. This is where the robots stopped. "Masterman, the genetic models are here," one robot beeped. "Excellent," a giant voice that seemed to come from everywhere boomed. "That voice... I know I've heard it before," Dragon Master said. The monitor booted up to show the face of an old man with a long, gray beard and cold eyes. "Welcome, my children. I am Masterman, guardian of the Terran civilization of Hadara." "...But you're a computer," Oil said. "Centuries ago, I was human," Masterman said. "We Terrans came to Earth to make a home for ourselves, but the planet was in its formation and the surface was uninhabitable. We burrowed into the ground and fashioned a metropolis below. Our race was a special one, gifted with many different abilities. When life began to develop above, disaster struck, and the city drifted into ruin. I, being the only survivor, Downloaded my consciousness into the computer you see before you." "Why're you telling us all this?" Quaker asked. "I don't care." "You should. You are all products of Hadara," Masterman said. "Say what?!" Imaginator asked. "I don't think so." "Indeed you are," Masterman said. "The people here perished, but each individual's special abilities were still salvagable from strands of their DNA. In hopes that our great civilization would not perish, I cloned the individuals who posessed the skills and sent them to the surface world to reproduce with the others... Those are your ancestors. Your 'mutant' abilities come from the residents of Hadara." "...So why did you jail us and bring us here?" Slash Man asked. "Whaddya want from us?" "While you are individuals, you are still part of Hadara," Masterman said. "I want a return on my investment." "What?" everyone asked. "I used up countless resources to carry out the cloning program. Now I hope to profit from the results... That is why... I persuaded Dragon Master to start his little mutant uprising." "I knew it!" Dragon Master cried. "YOU were the Shining Knight!" "Indeed," Masterman said. "Once your uprising is successful, and all the surface world belongs to Hadaran citizens, I will emerge and dominate this planet. I will bring order to the chaos above." "Have you considered checking yourself into Bedlam? You're nuts," Marc retorted. "Just so you will all do as I say and no dissent will occur, I brought you all hear to remove your brains and replace them with computers that respond to my commands. I'm also sure the data I will extract from them will prove useful in my... diplomacy towards the surface dwellers." "Back up..." Imaginator said. "You're gonna remove our brains? Oh, no! I may not be smart, but I know when I don't want something, and that's it!" "You want our brains? Come and get 'em!" Lou said, readying his staff. "You seem to forget that the collars you wear prevents your mutant powers from surfacing," Masterman said coldly. "Yeah? Well, YOU forget that I'm a Red Mage!" Lou said, casting a Thundara to fizzle the controls of his collar out. It dropped to the floor. Lou then freed everyone else quickly. "You are more resourceful than I thought," masterman said. "I shall have to apply strict measures. Flamedro Man, arise and destroy these dissidents." The building's lights flashed on and off, and one could hear machinery operating. Then the door opened and out stepped a new robot. "Hey, that's Fire Dancer!" Marc exclaimed. "He's been roboticized!" "I am Flamedro Man, Masterman Unit 1280. I will terminate all enemies of Masterman," Flamedro Man said mechanically. "Ember Fist!" "This isn't good..." Lou said. "We have to bust out of here!" Saria said, pounding on the cell door. "Lou and Marc are probably in a lot of trouble!" Amarant slashed away at the bars with his claws. No luck. All he did was bend his claws into little rings. "Let me have a try, comrades," Cyclops-Zidane said, his eye laser firing at full power into the bars. It just bounced back and knocked him flat. "This door, she is harder than my babushka's knitting box filled with znacki!" "I'll try an Eidolon," Eiko said, closing her eyes and summoning Madeen to smash the bars down. It didn't work. "Man, these were built to last, huh?" Amarant grumbled. "...Wait a second!" Saria said. "I have a great idea for busting out!" "Oooh, what is it?" Eiko asked. "Can I help?" "Yes, you CAN," Saria said, grinning wickedly. She grabbed Eiko and jammed her summoner's horn into the keyhole. "Owww!!! What're you doing, Saria?!" Eiko shouted angrily. "I'm picking the lock," Saria said. "What's it look like?" After about an hour of jabbing Eiko's horn here and there, the lock finally snapped open. "Took ya long enough," Zidane said. "Hey, if Eiko hadn't been struggling the whole time, I'd have had us out in five minutes!" Saria protested. "Sure, blame the tool," Eiko groused. "Whatever," Amarant said. "Let's go find those kids." "Kweh," Choco said. "Right," Zidane said. "All right, folks. You heard what the bird said. Move out!" They traveled through the underground city with no idea of where to go. "Well, we're lost," Eiko said. "Maybe," Zidane said, looking down at the ground. "See these oil splotches? I bet those robots that hauled Lou and Marc off came this way." "Why didn't I think of that?" Saria asked. "Because the writer made me think of it," Zidane answered. "Ask a stupid question..." Amarant muttered. The party marched forwards until they came to a huge tube near a giant door. "If we burst in there, there's bound to be trouble," Zidane said. "We'll have to go through this tube." "One problem," Eiko said. "This tube's too small for Choco and Amarant, and I don't think you'd fit either, Zidane." "I guess we'll have to take it from here," Saria said. "Hope you boys don't get lonely." "Wait a second!" Zidane said, slapping on his Rootor Mask. "I'll come too. Amarant, stay with Choco." "...I never get to have any fun," Amarant skulked. The three friends crawled through the oily pipe. "My white robes are slimy-gray now," Saria complained. "My flashy-red overalls are pitch-black," Eiko added. "My tail's green," Zidane said. "...What?" the other two asked. "I think the oil is reacting with the plant enzymes in my Rootor tail to create a new organism... Urrgh... An ITCHY organism." "Worry about it later," Saria said. "We have to save Lou and Marc!" "EMBER FIST!!!" Flamedro Man roared, his fist engulfing in flames as he socked away at the group. "Can it, fry guy!" Marc said, belting Flamedro Man in the stomach. The spiked knuckle sank in and oil started shooting out. Flamedro Man's fist cot drenched in it and he went up in flames. "You know, it looks just like that anti-tobacco add with the flaming cowboy," Lou suggested. "You are stronger than I believed," Masterman beeped. "Fine. I shall have to contend with you myself. Downloading Masterman Datafile into Battle Body... Download complete." The doors of the building opened to reveal a tall, buff man with silver, flowing hair. He wore a cotume with strange writing on it, and his eyes had no pupils. He held a giant sword in his hands. Blue sparks shot out of the sword. "This is my Battle Body," Masterman said as he motioned to himself. "Like it?" "...That's the Shining Knight that appeared to me that night the new planet appeared in the sky!" Dragon Master gasped. "Yes. Funny, isn't it, Dragon Master? You're out to liberate mutants, and yet it was I who gave you the idea, and it will be I who rules the future! Well, I suppose I might as well dispose of you all right now." "In a pig's eye!" Marc growled. "No way, no how!" Slash Man said, his claws shooting out. "You won't beat us, you oversized pager!" Oil said, her hands forming into a sword and a shield. "If we all work together, we might be able to beat him," Lou said. "Work with you?..." Dragon Master said. "...Just until Masterman is vanquished." "Whatever," Marc said. "Let's just whoop his butt!" "You think you can beat me? Fine. Give it your best shot!" Masterman said, the sword shining with a blue light. "Try this on for size! Climhazard!" He charged forwards and blew everyone backwards with a red burst of energy. "He must know Beatrix's Seiken attacks," Lou said. "He's much older," Imaginator said. "I bet he invented 'em!" "You may be big an' strong, homey," Quaker said. "But even you can't float! Try my Mega Quake attack!" Masterman simply leaped over the seismic wave and landed a Thunder Slash on Quaker. He staggered backwards and fell over. "How d'ya like these apples?" Imaginator yelled as she generated about 100 ninja stars and chucked them at Masterman. He blocked them all and knocked her over with a Shock. "I'll slice ya to ribbons!" Slash Man growled, charging at Masterman. Masterman just swung his sword and chopped Slash Man's claws clean off. He roared in pain. While he was doing this, Masterman sent him flying with a Mega Kick. "You aren't even worth my time..." Masterman said. "Now I see that I'd have been better off just taking over the world myself. You're all worthless, so I'll just deactivate you now." "We aren't just your toys," Lou said, standing up. "We have feelings, too, you know. Up there, I may be persecuted for who I am, but at least I'm now some wind-up tool for their work! I'll make sure you don't do this to anyone else ever again." "Why do you insist on protecting the surface world?" Masterman asked. "You say yourself that they loathe mutants." "Maybe so, but some of them are... my friends!" Lou said, winding up his staff and charging at Masterman. "Friends?... Does not compute. You're just wasting my time and energy," Masterman said, knocking Lou backwards with a swing of his mighty sword. "Just keep quiet and I'll send you all to sleep... Permanently." "Hell no!" Lou said. "Everyone, attack him together!" Marc teleported everyone behind Masterman, and before he could turn around, they were all over him like a group of ants on a dead steer. They slashed and pummeled and pierced and crushed. Pretty soon, Masterman was gasping for breath and limping. "...Now I see... what makes you so strong..." he said, his speech becoming static-filled. "...Weak-minded people... can join forces... to form strong powers... This... is not the end. My program has... already been... backed up... in the Masterman... computer core... I eagerly... await... my... next... reactivation..." Masterman slumped over and exploded. Only his sword remained. Lou went over and picked it up. "I can't use this, but I know someone who can," he said, tucking it away. "Well, Masterman's stopped for now. What do we do now?" "We're leaving," Dragon Master said. "I see now that my plan for mutant domination was not my plan... I shall have to devise a new scheme to stop the humans from disrespecting our mutant brothers. Farewell, Lou Runic. We shall meet again. Maybe as friends, maybe as enemies, but we SHALL meet again." Quaker knocked a big hole in the wall, and the mutants left. Oil watched them go. "I'd better get going, too," Oil said. "See you again, handsome." She oozed away into the shadows. Only Lou and Marc were left in the huge room with the blank computer screen. Suddenly, a pipe broke open next to the computer. Saria, Eiko and Zidane fell out. "Lou, are you OK?" Saria asked. "I'm all right, Saria. Thanks for coming to find us," Lou said. "Looks like we missed quite a skirmish," Zidane said, looking around at the shattered shrapnel and bodily fluids scattered about on the ground. "Let's just say that Lou an' I met our maker... And kicked his butt!" Marc said, pumping his fist. "Let's get back to the airship," Eiko said. "Actually, we're probably really far away from the Dauntless by now..." "...I know exactly where we are," Amarant said as Choco and he came in through the hole Quaker had made. "I've heard tales of a fascinating underground city beneath the Mist Continent, and I saw something good on the way over here. Come on. Let's blow this stinkhole." The followed Amarant through the city to a large flight of steps. "This staircase leads to the surface," he said. "...And I know exactly where. See?" From the tiny opening high up, rain fell down to the place where they stood. There was also a broken statue of a mouse deity nearby. "We're below Burmecia?" Lou asked. "I'd rather be in a surface ghost town than a subterranian one," Saria said. "Come on, let's go!" The party started climbing the winding staircase that lead back to the familiar rainy streets of Burmecia. "Well, I think I see where this is going," Sara said as she pored over another book. "As far as we know, Kuja's evil spirit was sealed in a mask and hidden away. Unfortunately, someone found the mask, and when he/she put it on, it assumed control of him/her. That person will be the one who calls Terra II down to Gaia to... collide with and destroy Gaia." "That not good," Quina said. "There be no more food left." "I'm starting to have an idea of where all this is pointing..." Beatrix said. "It also says that the place where Kuja will call Terra II down upon Gaia is the lost city where the Summoners once dwelled..." "...Madain Sari!" Dagger exclaimed. "So we have to find a way to stop Kuja from dropping another planet on ours at Madain Sari?" Steiner asked. "...Is there an echo in here?" Sara asked. "A possessed person with a strange mask..." Vivi said. "I know I've seen that somewhere before..." "Took ya long enough!" a voice cackled as the library's eastern wall fell down. Jungle Masker hovered there, giggling like he usually did. "Jungle Masker!" Steiner and Beatrix both said, drawing their swords. "...Or dare I say... Kuja?" Sara asked, pointing accusingly at Jungle Masker. "Yes and no," Jungle Masker cackled. "I'm Kuja's evil spirit sealed in this mask, and some unwitting guy who put me on. Well, the details don't matter. I'll destroy Terra and Gaia and break open a hole to Memoria, where I'll smash the true crystal and end everything!" "You wouldn't!" Vivi cried. "...Wait a minute, he would." "Ah thinks you done 'nuff talkin' 'round these parts," Arc said, readying his pitchfork. "Ah says you better git goin' raht now, 'nless ya wants ta be made inta a pie." "Yes, I should be going," Jungle Masker said, giggling evilly. "...And so should you!" He cast a strange spell over the castle. "Ta-ta!" He flew off into the sky. The castle started to close in on itself. "Let's amscray, kupo!!" Kumool the moogle yelled. Everyone leaped out through the hole Jungle Masker had created except for Dagger and Sara. "Come on, Sara!" Dagger called. "I need to take some of these books!" Sara yelled. "The secret to beating Kuja may be in them!" "..." Dagger said, and ran to Sara's side and grabbed an armful of books. "Now let's get outta here!" The girls leaped through the hole just as the castle closed in on itself and vanished. All was quiet in the basin. The Mist just hovered in the sky. "...Well, now what?" Steiner asked. "We have to find the others and stop Kuja!" "Hold on," Beatrix said, pulling out-surprise-a cell phone. She punched a few numbers into the phone and then hung up. "The regent showed me the number I dial to get the Dauntless to come to our location," she explained. "All we have to do is wait." "Kupo, I'm going to Mognet Central," Kumool said. "I have a package of Mogka I need to mail anyway. He flew away into the sky. "...I sure hope Zidane's OK," Dagger said. "I hope everyone's OK, including Lou and Marc," Beatrix said. "...Me too," Steiner said queitly. "Fresh rain again!" Marc said as the party crawled out of the tunnel and into Burmecia. Saria replaced the manhole cover that had covered the hole. "Let's make sure no one stumbles down there again," she said. "Thank you for the rain," Lou said to the sky. It replied by making the rain intensify. "...Might as well look around the old neighborhood again," Marc said, walking down the street towards the downtown area. The others followed him. He stopped at a large store. "Dad's store, where I learned about my mutant powers for the first time," Marc explained. "I teleported outside when dad asked me to run an errand... Mrs. O'leary peed her pants." "It was that surprising?" Lou asked. "Ho, I sure used my powers to be a troublemaker," Marc chuckled. "I scared people out of their minds when I was there one second and gone the next." "...But no one hated mutants?" Eiko asked. "They were humanoid mice," Marc said. "They didn't have far to go from being labeled mutants themselves." They next walked towards the cemetery on the hill near the castle. There, Marc walked to a mausoleum and stood before it. "...My parents are buried here," he said. "I haven't visited them in a long time..." "..." Amarant said. "Mom was always nice to me, and dad was the best. He spoiled me, and I worshipped him. But... Over the years, we drifted apart." "Why?" Saria asked. "Oh, you know. I was just getting older and neede my space..." Marc said. "Then he arranged a camping trip with some of my cousins..." "I assume it turned out bad?" Lou asked. "It was OK for the most part, until my cousins started making fun of me for being a 'short-snout mutie.' I isolated myself from the others until midnight, when I heard my dad talking with my uncle... He said 'mom always warned me not to marry a mutant, and now I'm stuck with two of 'em.' I started packing up to run away. He caught me and sat me down. 'You don't like me either,' I shouted. 'You never liked mutants.' 'That's not true,' dad said. 'You're twisting my words.'" "...Is that all?" Amarant asked. "No. Then came the worse part. I shoved him away and shouted 'if you don't like us, why don't you just leave?!...'" There was a silence. The rain fell in its gentle pattern. Marc choked back a sob. "...And that's just what he did. Three days later. No note, no phone call, nothing." "Marc..." Lou said. "A few weeks later, the Burmecian police found his... body... in Gizamaluke's Grotto near the big bell... He had a huge puncture in his forehead and a pickaxe in his hands... Mom died in the Black Mage attack on Burmecia. I had no one left, so I set out on the road..." "...You can't assume he did it just because of you," Saria said. "But that's just it!" Marc said angrily. "I'll never know now! I'll go to my grave not knowing whether I was the one that caused his suicide or not! I have to find out or I'll go crazy!" He walked to the mausoleum and broke open the door. He went in. "Wait, Marc!" Lou said, the party running after him. They found him looking around the two coffins, searching for some divine light to tell him what he wanted to hear... But he heard nothing. He sat down on the coffin and remained silent. "Poor Marc," Saria said. "This isn't how I pictured his childhood at all." Suddenly, everyone heard the sound of a coffin opening. Everyone whipped around to see Marc's father's coffin opening up. The lid slid backwards and crashed to the floor. "...Should we peek inside?" Zidane asked. "I won't," Eiko said. "Blechh!" Marc, Lou, Zidane and Saria looked into the coffin. Inside was a smaller coffin with a golden spiked knuckle laying on top of it. The words MAY THIS WEAPON PROVIDE PROTECTION FOR MY CHILDREN FOR GENERATIONS TO COME were inscribed on it. "That's dad's golden knuckle," Marc exclaimed. "It was his favorite weapon in the world!" "...I think he wants you to have it," Lou said. "Why else would he leave it on top of his coffin?" Marc slowly picked the knuckle up and slid it onto his hand. It felt warm and shiny. "...Now I know what I need to," Marc said. "...My father loved me no matter what. All right! Marc's back! No more Mr. Moper! Let's go meet up with the others and find that Kuja bum!" "...Shouldn't we put the lid back on?" Saria asked. "Something smells funny in here." "You do that," Marc said, winking. "All right, let's amscray!" Saria grouchily replaced the coffin lid and chased after the group as they left Burmecia and headed towards Lindblum to talk to Regent Cid. "Do you know how to fly this thing, Dagger?!" Sara yelled as the Dauntless ripped through the sky, swerving every which way. "Have you ever taken flying lessons?" "Well, I took a crash course..." Dagger said, sticking her tongue out in an embarrassed way. "Let's hope we don't all get a free crash course," Vivi said, clinging to his chair. First a bug splattered against the windshield. Then a pidgeon. Then an eagle. Then they crashed into Santa's sleigh. Presents went flying everywhere. "You killed Santa, you idiot!!!" Sara shouted angrily. "It was his fault!" Dagger argued. "I saw it! He was talking on his cell phone while he was piloting the sled! He should've been watching where he was going!" "As much as I'd love to hear you two argue more," Steiner said. "I think we all should really DUCK AND COVER!!!!" The dauntless was heading right for the ground of the Mist Continent. "We're gonna crash!" Vivi shouted. "Ohh... That be bad," Arc said, frowning. "We be flatter than pancakes!" Quina said. "...Mmm, pancakes..." "Great," Beatrix grumbled. Just as the ship was about to hit the ground, she hit the Circle button. The ship stopped moving and landed. "Woah, Beatrix! That was so cool!" Vivi said. "Where'd you learn that?" Dagger asked. "Uh... I play a lot of video games," Beatrix said, shrugging. "And I always thought they were mental trash." Steiner said. "Well, that shuts me up." "...And you did it all without breaking a sweat or getting nervous!" Vivi continued. "You're a regular statue, Beatrix! You-" He stopped because Beatrix belched horribly loudly. "...Bein' nervous always makes me gassy," she explained. "(Urp!)" "Well, now that we've landed, let's start the ship up again and fly to Lindblum to talk to Regent Cid about this," Dagger said. "As you wish, your Majesty," Beatrix said, turning the ship on again. Suddenly, she saw something outside on the misty field. She shut off the engine and looked hard. "What's wrong, Beatrix?" Steiner asked. "I see some people walking this way," Beatrix said, pulling out a mini-telescope. "...It's Saria, Marc, Eiko, Amarant, Zidane, a chocobo and... Lou!" "What?!" everyone shouted, rushing outside to look. "Guys, look," Lou said. "It's the Dauntless!" "Dagger! " Zidane called, running towards the other group. "Zidane!" Dagger said, hugging him tightly. "Sara!" Marc said, putting on his 'macho man' look. "Miss me?" "Phht," Sara sniffed. "Hardly." "Yo," Amarant said. "Yeah, hi," Freya answered. "Yay!" Vivi and Eiko said, bouncing around together. "Lou, what's you's doin' back so urlee?" Arc asked. "Sorry I stormed off like that," Lou said. "I've had some time to think over what I need to do..." "I'll tell you what we need to do," Steiner said. "We need to find a way to stop Kuja, AKA Jungle Masker!" "KUJA'S Jungle Masker?!" Saria's group asked. Sara filled the party in on what was happening. "...So we figured that we should talk to Regent Cid about it. He may able to help us." "Wait a second," Saria said. "If you talk to Cid, you'll just cause a worldwide panic. We should keep this quiet for now..." "Hmmm... But if we don't tell Cid, how do we make our next step?" Beatrix asked. "...Kuja's trying to make two planets collide, right?" Amarant asked. "Yeah," Zidane said. "Why?" "Perhaps I have an idea for our next plan of attack..." Amarant said, a gleam in his eye. "I have heard of a mystical Ark that has the power to summon all the Eidolons in the world. Perhaps the Eidolons can stop the planet." "That sounds like a cool idea," Marc said. "Where do we find this Ark?" "...And will it dissolve us if we look inside it like the one in that 'Indiana Pete' movie?" Dagger asked. "It was 'Indiana Jones,' Dagger," Lou said. "No, it won't," Amarant said. "I've read written accounts of a man watching the Ark being used and nothing happening to him. It will work well." "Well, let's go get it!" Zidane said. "Where is it?" "That's the problem," Amarant said. "After seeing the damage it caused, the five rulers of the old world decided it should be cut apart and each piece hidden in each kingdom. Cleyra, Alexandria, Oelivert and Burmecia should each have a piece, but the last piece went to Mu, the kingdom that was swallowed by the ocean some 1300 years ago." "Hmmm..." everyone mumbled. Suddenly, Arc's ears perked up. He ran forwards a little bit, and strained his eyes. "What wrong, Arc?" Quina asked. "Ah sees 'em," Arc said, pointing to a spot in the distance where yellow flashes appeared every so often. "It's th' fee-ood!" "That feud between the Grangerfords, Shepardsons and Boneshields?" Lou asked. "Yeah, Ah sees 'em! Ah's gots ta help mah fellow kinsmain bust some Grangerford n' Shepardson hog tail! YEEEEHAWWWWW!!!!" Arc shouted, his mutant speed kicking in and sending him flying towards the feud. "...Should we follow him?" Saria asked. "Arc's weird, but he's a valuable asset," Beatrix said. "We shouldn't let him get himself killed." "Well, I guess we'll follow him," Marc said, I'll teleport us there, guys. Hold on." Everyone grabbed hold of Marc somewhere, and Marc teleported everyone to the scene of the feud. Arc was already bouncing from place to place, stabbing other hicks in the backs and fronts with his pitchfork. "How horrible!" Dagger said, gasping. "...And yet, it's entertaining," Zidane chuckled. Dagger jabbed him in the ribs with her elbow. "Uh-oh," Lou said. "It looks like Arc's in trouble. Let's go help him." About 7 hicks were ganging up on Arc. "Well, if it ain't speedy lil' Arc. We'll cooks you up better n' youse could cooks yerself!" "Baht me, ya chicken grits!" Arc said, twirling his pitchfork Jackie Chan-style. "Ah'll take y'all on!" They all jumped at Arc. Quina jumped in and kicked Arc out of the way. "You cook?" s/he asked the hicks. "You make delicious food? Yummy! Make me yummy-yummies!" "AHHHHH!!!!" they all shrieked, and bolted like rabbits. "Thankee kindly, Quina," Arc said. "I just trying to get free meal," Quina sulked. "Sooo hungry." "Arc, you can't just take on the whole feud by yourself!" Eiko said. "You'll get plastered!" "Let us help you," Steiner said. "We can all help settle the dispute you have with the other families." "Dispoot?" Arc asked. "Fee-ood's ain't 'bout no dispoot, they's jis' 'bout blowin' each udder up! Tain't no REASON we fightin', but we fightin' jis' fer th' sake o' fightin'!" "That's just stupid," Beatrix said. "Fighting without a reason is disgraceful." "She's right, Arc," Lou said. "A fight without a cause or reason is just meaningless. You have to have something to make it worth fighting for." "Ah do has sumthin'!" Arc said. "Ah wants ta wipes out th' Grangerfords n' Shepardsons once n' fer all!" "Besides that," Sara said. "...You don't have a good reason for it, do you?" "...Mah pappy always said that it's always been Grangerfords 'ginst Shepardsons 'ginst Boneshields, but he niver say whah," Arc said, stopping to think. "...Ah reckon there really AIN'T no reason we's fightin' each udder." "...So what're you going to do now that you've realized that?" Saria asked. "Ah aim t' stop this fightin'," Arc said. "An' Ah'll even knock off th' leaders o' each family t' make it stop." "...I guess that's good," Marc said. "Fine. Who leads these families?" "Big Daddy Grangerford, Big Daddy Shepardson an' Daddy Boneshield," Arc said. "Ah reckon Ah's shoulds gets 'em all in th' same room t' talk 'bout this." "That a boy!" Lou said. "Let's go find them." The party ran deep into Shepardson territory to find Big Daddy Shepardson. They had to knock off several Shepardsons on the way, though. They finally came through Big Daddy Shepardson's door and charged in. "Hey, what're yes doin' in here, Boneshields?" Big Daddy Shepardson roared. "We'se gonna talk, BDS," Arc said, grabbing him and handing him over to Steiner. They then marched over through Grangerford territory to grab Big Daddy Grangerford. "What 'chu want, Boneshield?" BDG asked, his BB gun trained on Arc. Arc zipped around behind him and grabbed him. "Ah say, we'se gonna talk 'bout settlin' this hear fee-ood," Arc said, handing BDG to Beatrix and going back to Boneshield land. "Pappy, Ah'm's home," Arc said. Daddy Boneshield walked in and gasped. "Arc, did you's ketch both Big Daddy's?! That-a boyee!" DB said. "Now lemme blast 'em so's Ah kin win this here Fee-ood." "Nah, Pappy," Arc said. "You's three men gonna talk 'bout solvin' this here fee-ood lahk civ'lized men, an' then you's gonna end this here fee-ood lahk civ'lized men," Arc said. He plopped the three men down at the table and everyone hung around like moderators. After several hours of spitting and harassment, the three men started to be verbally abusive. Then that calmed down to throwing bits of food at each other. Finally, they started talking. "We'se decideds ta stop this here fee-ood," DB said to Arc. "We'se gonna form a new family; th' Grangerbonesons. We'se all gonna live in peace from now on." "YAY!" everyone shouted. "Finally," Vivi said. "I'm sick of being mistaken for a fancy spitoon." "Yeah, you should really get that suit to the cleaners," Zidane said. "Well, Ah'm glad y'all gonna git 'long now," Arc said. "But Ah has t' go 'way 'gin now. Ah gots t' stop uh eevull mask from droppin' a big rock on this here big rock. Ah'll come back now, y' hear?" And so, Arc bid farewell to his parents, and the party set off towards where the Dauntless was... After a huge stuffed gopher dinner. "Which piece of the Ark should we find first?" Eiko asked. "Let's go find the one in Oelivert," Zidane suggested. "There aren't any monsters anymore, so it'll be a piece of cake." "OK then, let's go!" Lou said. The group piled into the Dauntless and started on the long trip to Oelivert. "It'll take a few hours to reach Oelivert," Beatrix said, looking over the world map. "Let's take this opportunity to rest for a while." "Good idea," Dagger said. "If anyone needs THIS queen, she'll be sunbathing on the deck." "Sounds good to me," Zidane said, following Dagger up the hatch. "OK, that's just gross," Sara said. "If anyone needs me, I'll be studying the Ark in my library. I'm sure one of these books I snagged from Ispen's Castle will say something about it." "I call Playstation," Marc called. "Mega Man X4, here I come!" "Yo, wait up! I love those FMV's!" Vivi said, running after him. "...Hey, it's 5:00," Amarant said, looking at his Mickey Mouse watch. "...You have a Mickey Mouse watch?" Saria asked, almost snickering. "Hey, don't diss my Mickey Mouse watch," Amarant growled. "I killed a man with it once... Also, it was a birthday present from my mommy." "What's 5:00?" Beatrix asked. "It's time for 'All My Children,'" Amarant said, walking to his room. "Ooh! Ooh! Wait up!" Steiner and Beatrix called. Only Lou, Saria, Eiko, Arc and Quina remained. "...It time for food experimenting!" Quina said. "I have meat with green fuzz I wanting to try out in wasabi sauce." "Count me in, bubba," Arc said happily. They both ran off to the kitchen. "I'm gonna go play with my Pretty Summoner Barbie," Eiko said, and abruptly excused herself. "...Well, we're alone now," Lou said. "...Got any ideas?" Saria asked, her eyelids dropping. "Yeah. I've got lots of video tapes with 'World's Funniest Digimon Bloopers.' You interested?" "...Yeah," Saria said, sighing heavily. "Man, you've got lots to learn about women, Lou." "Why?" Lou asked. "Did you want to do something?" Saria smiled mischeviously. The next thing Lou knew, he was helping Saria sort cupons. "What do you do with all these cupons?" he asked. "...You've got me," Saria said. "My grandma always says 'putznika, save your cupons, 'cuz ye'll niiver know when you'll need ta buy a grossen bukcet of borscht at feefty pircint off!'" Lou laughed out loud. "How ever did you get stuck with a grandma like that?" "Sometimes I don't think she's even my grandma," Saria said. "No one else in the family speaks with that kind of accent." Lou and Saria had a long laugh. Then they looked at each other, drew nearer, and... "Where do you want the 'Valu-Save' cupons?" Lou asked. "Oh, uh... over there's fine," Saria said, her red cheeks fading rapidly. "Man, this is great," Dagger said, stretching out on the deck of the ship. "Yeah, sunlight, no humidity, no bugs..." Zidane said, adjusting his sunglasses and moving closer to Dagger, who was clad only in a tight-fitting rubber bathing suit. "...Wanna go at it like weasels?" Dagger asked all of a sudden. "...Say what?" Zidane asked, doing a double-take. "I said, wanna go to the beach and collect seashells?" Dagger asked. "I mean, once we're done with this adventure." "Oh..." Zidane said, looking dejected. "...Whatever you say." "Yeah, the wind currents can really mess up your speech," Dagger said, thinking of what Zidane had thought she had said. "Hey, wanna go to the beach and collect seashells?" "What?" Zidane asked. "...Oh, never mind," Dagger mumbled, and turned over to tan her back. "Die, die, DIE!!!" Marc growled. "MAN! I just can't beat this stupid robot!" "Can I try?" Vivi asked. "Sure, kid," Marc said, handing Vivi the controls. Vivi beat the boss in one try. Marc started tearing his hair out. "Oh, I'm singin' this song 'cuz I'm bored out of my skull and I've nothing else to do~" Eiko sang in her room. "Man, being alone bites. Why doesn't that surprise me? I've been alone for 6 years." "Let's see..." Sara said, looking through her books. "Hmm... 'The Ark is an amazing source of power. If this power is misused...' Hey, there's a page missing here... No, wait. That's just a big picture of... Ewww. Whoever stuck this picture in here obviously had no respect for the male body. How odd... The more appalling it looks, the more I'm attracted to it... Hey, hey, hey... Whoo!" Quina opened the door to Amarant's room. Steiner, Beatrix and Amarant sat there, looking very cross. "Hey, I thought you say 'All My Children' on or something," Quina said. "What wrong?" "We forgot it was pledge week," Beatrix said. "...And I was tricked into donating enough money to get a 'Red Green' mug." "Ouch!" Quina said, wincing. "That blows." "You know what I like about you, Lou?" Saria asked. "You're quiet, you're sensitive, you're sincere..." "Uh-huh," Lou said, clipping cupons out of magazines. "You make me feel very cheerful when I'm around you..." Saria continued. "Uh-huh," Lou said, sorting the cupons out. "...And you make me want to use your face as a tongue depressor," Saria panted. "Uh-huh.... Huh?" Lou asked. Saria seized him with a hoarse giggle. "...You wanna play blackjack?" Eiko asked. "No, Eiko," Zidane said. "I didn't want to play twenty minutes ago, I didn't want to play five minutes ago. I don't want to play. I'm SUNBATHING." "....Hit or stay?" Eiko asked. Zidane put the newspaper over his head. "Oh, come on!" Eiko said. "I think you've got a good chance of scoring Blackjack on this one!" "Just play with her, Zidane," Dagger grumbled. "Maybe she'll go away." "In your dreams," Eiko said, snickering. "I have to meddle in your romantic life. It's one of my rights as an actor." "Rights?..." Zidane asked. "Yup," Eiko said, producing a card. The card read: Eiko Carol is hereby issued the right to MEDDLE IN THE ROMANTIC LIFE OF ZIDANE TRIBAL AND GARNET TIL ALEXANDROS Appointed by the Lindblum Court System "I'll have to thank Uncle Cid," Dagger groaned, pulling out a book and trying to read. "Here's Oelivert... again," Beatrix said as the Dauntless hovered over the ancient observatory-like area. "Everybody out." "Hold on," Zidane said. "We can't have everyone come. We might trigger an alarm or something." "You have a point," Lou said. "That place's notorious for traps." "OK then," Vivi said. "Then Lou, who's going with you?" "Hmm..." Lou said, looking around. "The magical barrier is down now, but I still think physical abilities would be better. I want Steiner, Beatrix, Freya and Amarant to come with me." "OK then," Eiko said. "the rest of us'll wait for you up here." The escape hatch opened beneath the five people, and they dropped down to the ground in front of Oelivert. "Keep your eyes open," Freya said. "Necromaster may be gone, but his goons may still be around." They walked into the ancient building once again. The party could clearly hear the heads rapping down the hall, but they weren't going that way. "...I expect that the Ark's piece is probably down near where the Gulug Stone was," Steiner offered. "Good idea, Rusty," Lou said. "Say, how's that new sword I got you?" Steiner swung Masterman's sword around in front of him. "Excellent craftsmanship!" Steiner said. "Whoever designed this must be a great swordsmith!" "...Sort of," Lou said. "...Hey, what do you guys think Kuja wanted with the Requiem of Revival?" "Kuja's got the Requiem of Revival?!" Amarant asked with a start. "Oh, great. Just great. That music's the key to getting the Ark to work. You have to play it before anything happens." "...So if we want to get the Ark working, we'll need to face Jungle Masker and pry the music out of his hands," Freya said. "...And I bet that's exactly what he doesn't want us to do," Beatrix said. "Hmmph. He had this all planned out, I bet." The party was advancing deeper into Oelivert's ruins now, and pretty soon they saw a stone table with a glittering wedge on top of it. The group ran over and investigated it. "That's a piece of the Ark, all right," Amarant said. "Let's get it and amscray." "Sure!" Steiner said, reaching for the piece. Amarant grabbed his hand. "If human flesh makes contact with the Ark before it's completely reassembled, you don't even want to have me start to describe what happens," Amarant warned. "...Oops," Steiner said, sheepishly. "No problem," Freya said, picking up the piece. "Vivi, Quina and I can reassemble the Ark without worrying about that. None of us are humans." "Smooth thinking, Minnie," Lou said. Freya chuckled lightly. "Fratley always calls me 'Minnie...'" she said. "Well, let's go." Suddenly, they heard a big THUMP in the wall behind them. "What the f-dge?!" Amarant asked. "...The ceiling's coming down!" Beatrix shouted. "Let's make for the exit!" The party ran as fast as they could through the collapsing room. Of course, the Ancient Ones weren't going to make getting away this easy, so poisonous arrows started firing away from both walls. The way the group was dodging them made them look like they were on 'Riverdance.' The next room seemed quiet, but when Steiner accidentally stepped into the light of a window, a spiked wall shot across the room, carrying with it another unlucky traveler. "This is getting way to sue-able," Lou said as the group continued to run. Finally, they reached the main hall. Things looked clear. "All right, we made it." Suddenly, they heard another crash. They turned around to see the biggest, heaviest, meanest Epitaph anyone had ever seen. "That's King Epitaph!" Amarant said. "He guards the Ark." "Who cares?" Beatrix said. "Let's get rid of him!" King Epitaph made Mirror Clones of each character. "Don't look them in the eyes! They'll cast Doom on you!" Freya cautioned. Everyone started blindly smacking away at the enemies. As was thought, it took a while to hit them when no one was looking straight ahead. Of course, the goodies prevailed eventually. King Epitaph hopped around in fury. "He's trying to crush us!" Amarant shouted. "We'll see about that," Lou said, using his Psychic attack to launch King Epitaph high into the air. He crashed down on the building and crumbled into a million pieces. The party had won. "Ho yeah!" Lou said, pumping his fist. "Lou, I have to admit, I was wrong about you," Steiner said. "I've come to realize that not all mutants are bloodthirsty killing machines." "...I'll take that as a compliment," Lou said. "Whatever," Beatrix said. "We got the piece. Let's get out of here!" The Dauntless hovered over them, and a rope ladder dropped from the deck. Everyone boarded, and the airship took off towards Burmecia and Cleyra. "Nice job, guys," Dagger said as Freya put the Ark piece down on the coffee table. "Wow, it's so pretty," Eiko said. "Can I touch it?" "NO!!!" everyone yelled. "Sheesh," Eiko grouched. "Ask one question..." "Where's the next Ark piece?" Vivi asked. "There's one in the Cleyra Pyramid of Kufutep, and one in the Burmecian Pyramid of Ihmofu," Freya said. "I've studied the pyramids for years. Some folks think there's a connection..." "...So where are they?" Lou asked. "The Cleyran Pyramid is beneath where Cleyra used to be," Freya said. "The Burmecian Pyramid is beneath the desert near Gizamaluke's Grotto. It's in the only place that rains that isn't extremely near Burmecia." "Pyramids?..." Dagger asked. "You mean, pyramids with m-m-mummies?!" Suddenly, the 'X-Files' music started playing. "Hey, knock it off!" Eiko shouted. The music abruptly ended. "That show makes me pee my pants," Eiko confessed. "You're not the only one," Steiner muttered. "Brrr." "OK, look," Freya continued. "I also know that the two Ark pieces are wired into some ancient defense system. If we don't take them both at the same time, the pyramids will cave in on themselves, taking us with them." "That not good," Quina said. "No food in dusty old pyramid." "I guess we should split into 2 parties, and each should have someone who isn't human to hold the piece," Beatrix suggested. "That would put Freya in one group, and Vivi in the other," Zidane said. "What about Quina?" Saria asked. "Quina would probably just eat the piece," Marc snickered. "I resent!" Quina fumed. "Lots stuff I no eat! Ummm.... Can't think of any just this minute..." "OK, fine," Freya said. "I'll go, and I'll take half the group with me. Zidane, Amarant, Saria, Lou, Arc, Quina, you're with me." "I'll take everyone else along, I guess," Vivi said. "Eiko, Marc, Steiner, Beatrix, Dagger and Sara." "I know exactly where the Cleyran Pyramid is, so my group'll go there," Freya said. "OK! Just drop us off at the Burmecian Pyramid and park the Dauntless at a halfway point," Sara suggested. "That way, no one has to walk further than anyone else." "Sounds good," Lou said. "Well, let's go, everyone." The Dauntless dropped Vivi's team off at the entrance to the Burmecian Pyramid. for simplicity's sake, I'll call it the B-Pyramid and the Cleyran Pyramid is the C-Pyramid. "...So where's the entrance?" Steiner asked. Suddenly, the sand started whirling around and sucked them all down into it. "Dagger!" Zidane shouted from the ship. "Relax," Freya said as she piloted the ship to the halfway point. "That's the entrance. It's the same at the C-Pyramid." "God, this sounds like a geometry lesson," Saria said, slapping her forehead. The group hiked the rest of the way to the C-Pyramid's base. "Though the sandstorm is gone, there's still a little of it left," Freya said. "There's a baby sandstorm, about five feet high. Look for that, and that's where the entrance is." "Hey, Dagger seemed awfully tense about mummies," Lou said to Zidane. "Is something wrong?" "She's never told me anything about it," Zidane said, shaking his head. "Here we are," Freya said. "Zidane, put on your Mummy Mask. It'll let you talk with the other mummies." "Great," Zidane said, donning the bandaged mask and becoming a mummy. "Remember... Thisss issn't TP..." he growled. "...Right," Saria said as the group stepped into the sandstorm. Suddenly, the sand beneath them became a whirlpool, sucking them all down. "Aaaahhhh!!!" Saria shouted. "Yraaaaagh!!!" Mummy Zidane groaned. "WHEEEEEEE!!!!" Arc and Quina cheered. Everything grew dark for the party... "Ughhhh...." Dagger groaned as she sat up. "Are we in?..." She felt something leathery slide past her leg. "...Sara, is that you?" she asked. "I'm over here," Sara said from across the room. Since it was pitch black, nobody could see anybody. Dagger felt something rough lash across her cheek very quickly. "I know Zidane isn't here, so what could that be?" she asked. "I can't see a bloody thing," Steiner complained. "Here, I'll help out," Vivi said, casting a Fire spell on the tip of his staff. In a few seconds, they had a torch. "There we go!" he said. "EYAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Dagger screamed. There was a 20 foot-long cobra wrapping her up in its coils. "Your Majesty!" Beatrix shouted, drawing her Save The Queen. "Stop!" Sara said. "See how it's neck is bobbing around like that? It's a cobra's way of saying 'one more step and I'll bite her head off.' Attacking it will only kill one thing, and it won't be you or the cobra." "Great," Beatrix said, sheathing her Save The Queen. "...Aha!" Marc said, standing up. "Marc, what're you doing?!" Sara asked. Before anyone could stop him, Marc teleported behind the Cobra and slammed his Golden Knuckle deep into the monster's scaly hide. "Morph!" Marc commanded, and the cobra shrank down into a sword with a snake's head engraved on it. "What is that?" Beatrix asked. "That's the Cobra Sword," Steiner said. "It's the deadliest weapon one can use against the undead... Huh?!" Suddenly, Steiner's Excalibur Sword, the Masterman Sword and the Cobra Sword Started hovering in the air. "What's happening?" Vivi asked. The swords all started to glow a valiant white, and they suddenly all clashed together and merged into one blade. "Heh?!" Marc asked. "I've heard of such a weapon," Sara said. "It's made of the three strongest weapons of the Light, the Dark, and the Underground. It's the best sword any knight could have, next to the Save The Queen. Steiner, that's your very own Omni Sword, the holiest sword on Gaia!" The Omni Sword hovered down into Steiner's awaiting hands. He swung it a few times. "...This is a truly powerful weapon," Steiner said. "I'm grateful to be entrusted with it." "That sword looks SO shway!" Eiko said. "Now if you could find some cooler armor to go with it..." "What?!" Steiner asked. "Are you implying?..." "Hey, let's go get the Ark piece!" Vivi said, pointing down the long hallway. The party marched down the dark hall towards who knows what. "Lou, get up," Saria said, shaking him a little. "Heh?..." Lou asked. "Oh, yeah. We're in the pyramid..." "This isn't the kind of pyramid I expected," Mummy Zidane said. "It doesn't look like the ones I've seen in books." "This pyramid was built in a different manner than traditional pyramids," Freya explained. "This one was built like a Mayan pyramid." "Yeah, I noticed," Saria said, looking at all the creepy-looking statues. "...Looks like you're in charge, Freya. Where do we go from here?" Lou asked. "I believe the path to the Ark piece is down that tunnel over there," Freya said, pointing to a dark pathway leading down at a 45-degree angle. "Why do it hafta be durk?" Arc asked. "Ah hates th' durk." "Me too," Quina said. "No can cook in dark." "Follow me," Freya said, lighting a torch and venturing towards the opening. "...But there are loads of boobytraps in here." "Good thing I'm not in front, then," Saria giggled. They walked through tunnel after tunnel of darkness and statues. Once in a while, someone would hear a 'crunch' and look down, and realize that they'd just stepped on a skeleton. "I don't think I'll need this for a while," Zidane said, taking his Mummy Mask off. "This place no seem so bad," Quina said. "Yeah, it dark, but it calm, and peaceful, and-" Quina stopped talking because s/he had stepped on a switch that opened a trap door beneath him/her. "Quina!" Arc shouted, diving down to grab him/her. "...I okay," Quina said as s/he dangled from a ledge above a pit with spikes and skeletons. "Just tell me that those down there reeeeal quiet guys who need tan." The group pulled him/her up. "Be more careful next time, huh?" Lou asked. They continued down the pathway until they reached a huge room with hundreds of vaults. "This must be the burial chamber," Saria said. "...Brr, this's creepy." "Relax," Zidane said. "The only thing that revives mummies is electricity, which there currently is none." "Think again, Zidane!" a voice shouted from above. Everyone looked up to see Jungle Masker floating down from a hole in the roof. "I've been watching you guys, yes I have. You won't get that Ark so easily. My master plan will be carried out whether you like it or not!" He cast a Thundaga spell and filled the room with electricity. One by one, mummies started to crawl out of their vaults and lurch towards the party. "I'm sure these boys'll give you a nice welcome!" Jungle Masker cackled. "Now, to deal with your friends..." "You lousy!-" Lou shouted angrily. Jungle Masker disappeared, leaving the party to the odd 500 mummies in the room. "I don't think this good," Quina said. "Ah hates mummy," Arc said. "It taste good, but Ah gots etheecal stayndurds t' upholds." Zidane put on his Mummy Mask and tried to talk with them. It didn't get them very far. "What did you say to them?" Saria asked. "I don't know," Zidane said. "Something like 'your earlobes resemble fish heads' or something like that." "...You say that the only thing that really hurts mummies is electricity, right?" Lou asked Freya. "Well, yes," Freya said. "Cover me. THUNDARA!!!" Lou shouted, using his Red Mage abilities to shoot electric bolts all over the room. He knocked over a few mummies, but the others just kept coming. "It's not working!" Zidane growled. "Lou, help!" Saria shouted as a mummy grabbed her by the throat. "OK, that's it... TRANCE!!!" Lou shimmered and became his Trance form. Now he was able to cast Thundaga spells and bring down the rest of the mummies. The pungent odor of barbecued dog hair hung in the room. "It stink worse than lutefisk in here," Quina frowned. "Better than being torn apart by mummies," Freya said. "Lou, thanks. Just keep that up if we meet any more." "OK," Lou said as he dropped out of Trance mode. The party continued through the ancient tunnels. "I can't stand this!" Sara complained. "We've been hiking through this tunnel for HOURS and we still haven't found anything! What's the gag?! I think the Burmecians just built this to drive us around the bend." "Stuff it, sister," Eiko said, pushing to the front of the party. "We've got an Ark to assemble." "Kids are growing up way too fast these days," Beatrix said to Steiner. "Indeed," Steiner answered. "...EEP!!!" Dagger shrieked as she felt something brush against her legs. "Relax, Dagger. That's my tail," Marc said. "Oh... Ha ha ha..." Dagger said, blushing bashfully. "What's up with Dagger?" Vivi asked. "I've never seen her so spooked." "...Should we tell them, your Majesty?" Steiner asked reluctantly. "...No, Steiner, I'll tell tham myself," Dagger said. "...It was a long time ago, when my father was still alive... The King of Alexandria, I mean... During the Necromaster Invasion..." "The one that got Beatrix all ticked off?" Marc asked. "...Yes," Dagger said. "Necromaster was taking the town by surprise... He had already made it to the castle, and he launched his special Mummy Division to attack..." "The mummies were everywhere," Beatrix said. "Many knights were lost that day..." "They got up to the living chambers," Dagger continued. "...Father tried to stop them with his sword, but..." "...They got him, too?" Eiko asked quietly. Dagger nodded slowly. "It wasn't just that, but the way they... They..." "Mummies suck the bodily fluids out of their victims," Beatrix said. "I saw it all. It looked like the mummy was squeezing a lemon dry... All that was left was an empty, leathery, burlap-like hide..." "Ever since then, I've been terrified of mummies," Dagger said. "That's why this place makes me so (hic) nervous..." "...I had no idea," Steiner said. "You were just a regular knight back then," Beatrix said. "You were probably combatting the zombies down in the south part of town." "Don't worry, Dagger," Eiko said. "We'll protect you." "Thanks, guys..." Dagger said. "I just wish Zidane was here, too..." "Chill, girlfriend," Sara said. "We'll get through this." "Once we obtain the Ark piece, we shall leave this place and never return," Steiner declared. "Yeah, let's go find that piece," Marc said. "Good. I-" Eiko started, but was cut short. "Eiko. Eiko, can you hear me?" "What? Lou?" Eiko asked aloud. "Who're you talking to, Eiko?" Vivi asked. "I thought I just heard Lou's voice," Eiko said. "You did. I'm talking to you through telepathy," Lou's voice shot through her brain. "I can talk to you guys while we do this." "What, can I send you my thoughts, too?" Eiko thought. "Yes. I'll keep in contact while we go through the pyramid," Lou's voice said. "Over and out." "What was that, Eiko?" Freya asked. "Lou contacted me telepathically," Eiko explained. "He'll help us through if we reach any snafus." "You know, that Lou's a pretty amazing guy," Dagger said. "I'm beginning to agree..." Steiner said. "How long's this gonna take?" asked Amarant irritably. "Relic Hunting takes time, Amarant," Zidane said. "You have to be patient." "This no good," Quina groused. "No yummy-yummies anywhere." "Plenty of mummy-mummies, though," Lou said. "Let's stay on our toes. I'll contact Eiko again and confirm the others' progress." "This tunnel's been going on forever!" Vivi cried. "Can't we stop and rest?" "Again?!" everyone asked him. "...I'm not that tired," Vivi said, taking the hint and continuing to walk. "...Lou says to watch out for Jungle Masker," Eiko reported. "Jungle Masker?" Steiner asked. "Here?" "Sure he's not pulling your leg?" Dagger asked. "Lou doesn't lie," Eiko said. "He sounded dead serious." "Don't say 'dead,'" Beatrix said. "...Makes me nervous." Suddenly, the team heard a rumbling. Then they heard silence. Then they heard... that laugh. "Greetings, boys and ghouls!" Jungle Masker cackled as he appeared before them. "Get lost, Jungle Masker!" Eiko said. "We don't have time to deal with you." "Guess what? You don't have much time at all," Jungle Masker sneered. "Within a week, Terra II will come crashing down and eliminate this planet, and I'll have sweet revenge on all who got in my way last time!" "Why did you steal the Requiem of Revival?" Sara demanded. "Why? Simple," Jungle Masker said. "The song will reanimate my body and allow me to shed this awful mask form and become my true self once again. Of course, you'll never live to see that." Jungle Masker did a crazy dance, and the tunnel walls started to move inwards. "See you in the afterlife, kiddies!" Jungle Masker cackled, and vanished. "We don't have much room here to work," Steiner said, pushing against the walls. "...I see the exit! It's right there!" Marc said, pointing at a small ray of light. "We'll never be able to run there in time," Vivi said. "...Ohhh, I'm gonna have such a headache," Sara said, aiding Steiner in pushing. It didn't work. ".......I know!" Eiko said, pulling out her flute. "Terrestrial Rage!" she commanded. A rocky fist emerged from the ground. "Get on, and hold your breath!" Eiko shouted. Everyone did as such. The fist dove underground and resurfaced in the next room within five seconds. The walls slammed shut behind them. "...Whew," Beatrix wheezed. "We made it." "Thanks, Eiko," Marc said. "You da wo-MAN!" "Awww," Eiko said, giggling. "...Don't think we're in the clear just yet," Sara said, stepping backwards. Everyone turned around to see about 50 mummies glaring at them from all over the room. "...EYAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!" Dagger shrieked, collapsing to her knees and covering her face. "Make them go away! Make them go away! Stay away! (Sob, sob)" "I'll help again!" Eiko said, playing the Ballad of Healing Rain on her flute. It didn't work. "What the?..." Marc asked. "Jungle Masker must've made them strong against that song," Beatrix said. Dagger swayed back and forth, gasping and sobbing. Steiner looked at her, then stepped forward. "I took an oath to protect the Queen at all costs, and I keep my word," Steiner said, pulling out the Omega Sword. "I forgot all about it!" Vivi said. "Have at thee, Ruffians!" Steiner shouted. "Climhazzard attack!" Again and again, the sword slashed through the flesh and wrap like a knife through melted butter. Pretty soon, bandages and black blood puddles were all that remained of the mummies. "Good riddance," Steiner said, sheathing his sword. "Thank you, Steiner," Dagger sobbed, hugging him tightly. "There, there, your Majesty, it's all over now," Steiner said. "...Look!" Marc said, pointing. At the far end of the room stood an altar, with the Ark piece on it. "Let's go get it!" he said, running for the altar. "Wait, Marc!" everyone shouted. "If you touch it, bad things'll happen," Vivi said. "Let me do it." "Let's see where Lou is," Eiko said, putting her hands together and closing her eyes. "Lou, come in. We're at the Ark piece. Where are you?" "We're at the piece as well," Lou thought back. "On the count of 3..." "Lou says on the count of 3," Eiko said to Vivi. Vivi nodded, and put his hands over the piece. Freya did the same on her side. "1..." Beads of sweat began to appear. "2..." The hands began to tremble. Throats ran dry. "3!" Vivi and Freya snatched the pieces up at exactly the same time. The pieces were safe! "Let's get outta here," Marc said. Suddenly, the earth started to shake at both places. "What the hell?" Amarant asked. Both groups watched as mummified giants emerged in the respective rooms. One was the Queen mummy, one was the King mummy. "Who dares disturb the Ark?" the bellowed. "Infidels! You shall pay for this insult!" "...Uh-oh," everyone said at once. "This isn't good," Freya said. "That's Queen Neferti, and King Asazi is in the other pyramid. They were the leaders of the Burmecian and Cleyran royal families. Asazi uses a magical sceptre, and Neferti is trained in Martial Arts. Either way, this'll be a hard fight." "Tradition bids me to challenge only one of you," the royalties said. "If you win, you all walk free. If you lose, you all die." "Wonderful," both parties said. "You, the scarlet-haired one," Neferti said, pointing a bandaged hand at Amarant. "We shall have a battle. Prepare for the fight of your life." "Back at ya, toots," Amarant said, strapping on his claw. "You, champion knight," Asazi said, pointing his golden sceptre at Beatrix. "We shall fight to the finish." "...OK, you're on," Beatrix growled, the Save The Queen gleaming in her hands. "...Go, human beings," Eiko shouted, waving a pennant. "I shall rip you to pieces, human!" Neferti roared, launching a devastating spinning kick into Amarant. He flew against the rear wall. "...Gonna really enjoy this," he growled, standing up and slashing with his claw. "Demi Shock!" His claw sliced through miles of ribbon, but no end was in site for the bandages. "You shall regret having violated the Ark!" Neferti shouted, landing 10 karate chops at once. Amarant hit the back wall again. "...Stronger than I'd like," Amarant growled, standing up. "Come on, Amarant!" Zidane shouted. "Show 'em the old one-two!" "Try some other attacks!" Freya called. "All right," Amarant said, using Chakra to heal himself. "...Let's try a Curse." Amarant launched a strange black cloud into Neferti's mouth. "Arrrgh! What is this?!" she roared, reeling back. "Got her on the run now," Amarant said, grinning. "Time for a Spare Change." He grabbed the team's purse and started chucking coins like ninja stars. They went through Neferti with such ferocity that eventually, there wasn't much left. Black blood started gushing from Neferti life a geyser. "All right, you win..." Neferti gasped. "I hereby release you... Use the Ark for peace..." Neferti vanished in a cloud of red smoke. "Nice job, Amarant!" Zidane said. "Now, let's just hope Dagger and the others will make it out, too." A door appeared behind the altar, and sunlight could be seen from above. "Perish, mortal!" Asazi shouted. "Crimson Lightning!" Red lasers started firing from his sceptre. Beatrix rolled about, dodging the plasts only barely. "Thunder Blade!" Beatrix shouted, slashing at Asazi. Bandages flew. "I underestimated your power," Asazi said. "...But you cannot withstand the powers of the ancients. Take this! ANTIPODE RAY!!!" A ray of lightning, fire and ice shot from the sceptre and dove straight into Beatrix's chest. "Kyaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!" she shouted in pain. "Beatrix!" Steiner shouted. "...I won't be... beaten..." Beatrix wheezed. "You already are, I assume," Asazi cackled. "Now, fall at the power of my Hexagon Mist!" "I don't think so, rat boy," Beatrix growled. "...TRANCE!!!" Beatrix shimmered and began glowing. Save The Queen got longer and sharper. "I'm gonna teach you some manners!" she shouted. "Take this! SHOCK!" Beatrix threw her sword. It impaled Asazi right through the heart, and lightning struck. Asazi crumbled into ashes, which blew through the room on a cold wind. "Never have I been defeated by a mortal before..." Asazi said. "Fine. Go. Just don't let the Ark fall into evil hands, victorious knight..." The doors opened for the party. They climbed outside. "Oh, thank heavens! Sunlight!" Dagger cried. "Oh, I thought I'd never see it again!" "Come on," Eiko said. "Let's get back to the Dauntless. We'll meet up with Zidane and Lou and we can put these pieces onto what we already have." "Good idea," Marc said. "I could use a rest." "You did almost nothing," Sara said. "How could you need a rest?" "Errrrmmmm..." Marc grumbled, blushing a bit. "Ha ha ha," Steiner chuckled. "Well, let us go. The others are waiting." Both parties met at the Dauntless and attached the two new pieces. "The Ark's starting to actually look like something," Saria remarked. "Where are the last two pieces?" Vivi asked. "All we know is that another piece is in..." Lou said, looking at one of the books. "What's wrong?" Eiko asked. "...The fourth piece is in Alexandria Castle," Lou said. Everyone lowered their heads. "I guess it's time to liberate the kingdom, huh?" Dagger asked. "We'll need more than just us to do that," Freya said. "If there's as many as you say there are, we're going to need our own army to keep them distracted." "Hmmmm..." Arc thought. "...I knows!" He pulled out a cell phone and started talking to someone. "OK, we's gonna have lotsa help on this one," Arc said as he hung up. Everyone looked at each other in a puzzled manner. "Let's go!" Dagger said. "Let's take back Alexandria!" "It's too dangerous to just charge in," Beatrix said, looking through the ship's telescope. "Red-Eye's got troopers everywhere... They look very vicious. Oh! One just kicked a cat. How mean!" "Perhaps it would be easier to have some folks sneak in instead of a frontal assault," Steiner said. "What do you think, Master Vivi?" "Nob nob gil yum," said a deep voice. "...What?" Steiner asked. "Sorry, Steiner," Vivi said. "I guess I was too busy playing Marc's hard rock CDs backwards at low speeds looking for hidden messages. What do you think this means?" "Nob nob gil yum," said the CD player again. "You've lost me," Steiner grumbled. "I know. That's what makes it fun," Vivi said, snickering. "Here's an idea," Sara said. "We could disguise ourselves as soldiers, and-" "Ah already gots th' plans fo' this," Arc said. "Jes' look outside, 'bout half o' mile west o' Alexandria." The Dauntless flew about half a mile west. "Oh, my goodness," Saria said as she gazed out the window. Lined up in rows of 10 by 10, all with BB guns and pitchforks and whisky jugs, stood a legion of hillbillies. "...So that's what that phone call was all about," Lou said. "Ah reckoned that since th' Grangerfords n' th' Shepardsons n' th' Boneshields were gone done fee-oodin', they's could team up an' help us fight th' red guy," Arc explained. "You's is lookin' at 250 drunk, angry, armed hicks ready t' wallop th' first guy they's told to." "Nice touch," Marc said. "Well, shall we?" Before you could say 'pass the biscuits, Mirandy,' the party and the hick army were marching towards Red Alexandria. Sara flew the Dauntless behind them for air support. "We'll divide up the army and have half march in from the east, and the others can come from the west," Beatrix said. "Beady-Trix, y'all're thinkin' 'bout a batt-UL plan fo' trained soldiers," Arc argued. "They's jes' gonna rampage. We's gonna deal with red-guy." "Uh, his name 'Red-Eye,' Arc," Quina said. "You calls 'im what you'se fixin' t' call 'im, Ah calls 'im what AH'M fixin' t' call 'im," Arc said back. The huge group reached the gates of Alexandria, now apparently renamed Redeyegrad. "Comrade, a mass group of the people approach," one soldier said to another. "Bah, they are just commoners and peasants," the second soldier said. "What harm can they do? Here, have some vodka." "I put on my Cyclops Mask just in case we need it, comrades," Cyclops Zidane said. "Wonderful," Eiko said. "Just don't vaporize anything big." The army stopped at the gates. "CHARGE!!!" Arc shouted. Only one hillbilly ran up and started attacking. "Hold up! Billy Budd, you'se out," Arc shouted. The hillbilly got sad and walked back into the group. "Awright," Arc said. "Simon say... CHARGE!!!" All the hillbillies ran up and started attacking. Shots were fired, pitchforks broken, whisky jugs smashed over Soviet soldiers' heads. "Score one fo' th' drunkards! YEEEHAAAAWWWWW!!!!" Arc shouted loudly. "While the troops are busy, let's go get Red-Eye and the Ark piece," Dagger said, running down main street. "Wait for us!" Zidane shouted. The party chased after Dagger, including Arc and Quina. "Battle on, mah tanked brudders!" Arc shouted to the army as he ran to catch up. With his super-mutant speed, he beat everyone to the castle gates. The team made it to the palace before they were surrounded by troops. "We have you surrounded, autocratic pigs," the commander said. "Hands up!" Suddenly, a hairy old guy smashed a whisky barrel over the commander's head. The hicks had broken through! They charged into the castle. Almost immediately, troops started falling out of windows and hitting the ground with loud "splatnik" sounds. "Right. Let's go!" Lou said. "I'm ready to kick some tail here!" "Red-Eye should be in the throne room," Dagger said. "That's where they always are." "...But he could be up where that Eidolon was," Eiko said. "...What about the library?" Amarant asked. Everyone started arguing about where Red-Eye could be. "...Why don't you just ask me?" a voice said behind them. Everyone whipped around to see Red-Eye, walking towards them, zapping hicks with his laser eyes. "So, Queen Garnet, you think this little uprising will win you your autocratic throne back? Fine with me. But first, we battle. I shall crush the beast of autocracy with the pure will of the people!" "You'se nuts," Arc said. "Them people's not likin' ya." "Silence, peasant!" Red-Eye said. "Just for that, you shall be the first to go. Dosvedonja!" The laser from Red-Eye's eyes knocked Arc backwards. "Arc, you OK?" Quina asked. "Naw, Ah'm not OK," Arc shouted. "That's it. You'se gonna be saw-ree. Arc's goin' inta TRANCE MODE!!!" "Oh, boy," Freya said, groaning. "Yeah, this'll be great," Marc said, rolling his eyes. Arc shimmered and vibrated. Suddenly, he grew six enormous wings and flowing, blonde hair. He hovered up in the air with his pitchfork suddenly becoming a golden trident. "I am Trance Arc," Arc said in PERFECT ENGLISH. "...WOW! He can actually talk?!" Sara yelled in amazement. "You have destroyed a peaceful kingdom in the name of the people," Arc said to Red-Eye, "but those very people you represented are the ones attacking your soldiers and retaking the kingdom for Queen Garnet. You must be expelled as well. You have failed in your promises." "I don't have to answer to you, peasant!" Red-Eye said. "I may serve the people, but I do NOT serve lowborn street urchins like yourselves. Now perish, comrade!" He fired a laser from his eye. Arc spun his trident and deflected it. "I'll stop you now," Arc said. "Justice Trident!" Arc swooped down and buried his trident in Red-Eye. Red-Eye screeched in agony. He flopped over and was vaporized. Arc shimmered and reverted to his normal self. "Wha' jes' happined?" he asked. "Nothing," Sara said. "We just realized that YOU ROCK!!!" "You defeated Red-Eye all by yourself, Arc!" Dagger said. "On behalf of Alexandria, I embrace you!" Dagger gave Arc a great, big hug. He went beet red. "Awww, gawrsh," he stammered, partally hiding his face from them. "Look, here's the Ark piece right over here," Freya said, picking the golden fragment up. There was a large hole in the wall just above the painting of Queen Brahne. "I guess our fighting dislodged it." "Swell," Lou said. "Well, I guess that's a wrap, huh?" "No one says we have to leave right now," Saria said. "We could have some fun here for a while." "Yeah," Beatrix said. "Besides, Arc's gotta find a way to get all these hicks out of the palace. They're everywhere!" She was right. Hicks were swinging from chandeliers, bouncing on beds, and eating all the food in the kitchen. "...Well, looks like we HAVE to stay," Steiner said. "Ehh," Marc said. "As long as I'm not clearing out hicks, I'm cool with that." "Arc, aren't you going to say anything?" Eiko asked. "getting the hicks to leave is a big chore." "Naw," Arc said. He gave a huge whistle through his buck teeth. "AWRIGHT, BOYS, G'WAN HOME!!!" he yelled. Instantly, the hicks were gone. "Cool," Vivi said. "OK, FUN TIME!!!" "Alexandria's so peaceful now that Red-Eye's gone," Eiko said as Saria, Lou and she walked through the streets. "...But look at the mess things are in." "Slums, five-block-long bread lines, drunk hoboes everywhere..." Lou said. "Red-Eye should've practiced what he preached." "What should we do, anyway?" Saria asked. "It looks like most of the fun places are gone now." "We could see if Ruby's mini-theater is still working," Eiko said. They arrived at the place where the teater used to be. A large sign on the front door said MOVED TO LINDBLUM. "Well, at least it's still open somewhere," Lou said. "Bummer, though." The trio wandered around town until it started to get dark. "I can't stand this!" Saria cried. "I wanna find some place to have fun tonight!" "Hey, check this out," Eiko said as they neared the city's mega-mall. "'Fifty-first annual Moogles of the World convention, in Watt's Camp Sloopy. Visitors welcome. Free.' Sounds cool! Can we go, please Lou?" "Why're you asking me? I'm not your dad," Lou said. "Knock yourself out." "Thanks!" Eiko said, running into the crowded mall. After a second, Lou and Saria followed her. "Why not? I've never seen a lot of Moogles in one place before. It may be interesting." The three friends entered the indoor campgrounds. Almost immediately, Lou had to dodge an airborne whiskey bottle. It shattered on the wall behind him. "Uh-oh," Eiko said. "I forgot; Moogles love drinking anything they can drink. They must've gotten a shipment of booze from somewhere..." Eiko was right. There were Moogles swaggering around and banging into things. Moggles swinging from the tops of trees and then falling on their heads. Moogles bathing in the streams, and also doing the unmentionable. Moogles in barfights, Moogles playing poker, Moogles breaking chairs over other Moogles' heads like in wrestling shows. One Moogle lurched up to Lou, holding a playing card and a handful of poker chips. "Hch-hch-hch-hchow kin an Ace be a one AN' a 'leven?... I oughtta... KCCHHHHHUUPOOOO," he slurred. He then lurched forward in a punching manner and fell on his face and fell asleep. "Er..." Lou said. "Wheee!!!" a Moogle yelled as he fell off the camp's roller coaster and landed in the stream. "Lookit me, I kin flyyyy, KCCHHHHUUPOOOO," it slurred, then fell over. "Sho, you tink y'kin jes pull my...HIC...dinglebladder offa my head when ya want?... KCCHHHHUUPOOOO!!!" a Moogle screamed at another. He then tried to rip the dinglebopper off the other Moogle's head. He succeeded. "This is a tad gruesome," Saria said. "Are you kidding?!" Lou asked. "It's HILARIOUS!!!" "Lookit me, lookit me, lookit all th' mail I got from Mognet yisterday," one Moogle said to another. "You... You tryin' t'say yer better n' me? Huh? 'Zat it? KCCHHHHUUPOOOO!!!" the other asked. They then proceeded to knocking the stuffing out of each other. "Rolllll ouuut th' BAAAAARRRRELLLLLL," a chorus yelled at the top of their lungs before falling off the bridge into the river. "This is just too funny!" Eiko snickered as the white, fuzzy monsters punched each other out and fell out of high places. "I wonder if Sesame Street ever had this problem?" Saria asked. This question was answered by an airborne Elmo smashing into the wall behind them. "That'll teach y'ta be...HIC...cuter n' me... KCCHHHHUUPOOOO!!!" a Moogle slurred before it fell over and fell asleep. "Elmo knows where you live!" Elmo cursed as he stomped out of the room. "What an impertinent little puppet," Lou said. "Hey, lookit what I kin do!" another Moogle shouted as he balanced on one foot on top of the water ride. He slipped and landed in the water. "Oooh, fishies!" he slurred, and started trying to catch them with his mouth. "Isn't this kind of like what those Munchkins in 'Wizard of Oz' did?" Eiko asked. "C'mon, fleshy," a Moogle challenged a Munchkin. "I'll rip yer wings off!" the Munchkin shouted, along with a bunch of obscenities. The two started pounding on each other. "Shtop it, both o' ya!" another Moogle shouted. "I'm... tryin' t'shleep!" It then decided to smash a bottle over the first Moogle's face. Immediately other Moogles retaliated and glass started going everywhere. "What IS this stuff?!" Lou asked as he picked up a bottle. "'Uncle Atla's Premium Mogka.' I wonder how it tastes." He sipped a bit of it. "How is it?" Saria asked. "It's Kupolicious!" Lou said in a goofy voice. He then slapped himself and went back to normal. "That stuff's gotta be over 40% hard liquor." "No wonder they're so wasted," Eiko said. "...Uh-oh." "MOG PIT!!! MOG PIT!!!" the Moogles were chanting as they all started body-slamming each other. Pretty soon, some Moogles started crowd-surfing. They were sucked in and stomped upon. "...This is a crazy place," Saria said. "That isn't the half of it," Lou said. "...What kind of camp would have green water running in the streams?" Eiko noticed a pack of tanked Moogles upstream. They were all kind of slumped over with very relaxed expressions on their faces. "Don't ask," Eiko said, making a face. "Look, they're having cockfights now," Saria said. "With roosters?" Lou asked, looking up. "Hardly," Saria said, her face going green. "Oh, OH..." Lou said, wincing. "What naughty Moogles," Eiko said. "I bet my Moogle friends would never do that." "Actually, aren't those ones cockfighting two of your friends?" Lou asked. "Geez," Eiko said, putting her face in her hands. "Well, I know Mog would never do that." Saria pointed to the karaoke stage, where Madeen was doing a very drunk version of 'Shake your Booty.' "Shake, shake, shake... Shake, shake, shake... Shake, shake, shake..." it slurred. "Ya only use two 'shake, shake, shake,'" one Moogle in the audience shouted. "TERRA HOMING!!!" Madeen howled, blowing all the Moogles in all directions. One landed near the party. "Dude, that's better than Angel Dust!" he slurred. "KCCHHHHUUPOOOO!!!" "That's it, I'm outie," Eiko said, turning around to leave. "Oh, come on, this is fun!" Lou said. "'Shake shake shake... Shake shake shake... Shake your BOOTY~" "Look!" Eiko shouted. "It's the Robotic Richard Simmons!" Eiko was right. The mechanical menace was wobbling down the road towards them. "Work that body! Crunch those abs! Shake shake shake..." it sang. It's backside started to vibrate. "Oh, not again," Smithers said. The robot exploded into tiny pieces. The head landed next to Eiko. "OK, let's go," she huffed practically running out of the room. "Come on, booty boy," Saria said, grabbing Lou by the ear and hauling him out. "...Let's go shoe shopping instead!" That sobred Lou up pretty fast. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" he screamed into the mall's crowded halls. "No, not 'no,'" a Moogle slurred. "It's 'KCCHHHHUUPOOOO!!!' HIC!" It then fell down. "...So, where were you three?" Zidane asked as Lou, Saria and Eiko entered the Dauntless. "Off for a romantic getaway?" "Zidane, I was with them," Eiko said. "You think there'd be any romance with me around?" "I thought you'd know better than anyone," Vivi said from behind them, snickering a little. "Well, what's happening?" Lou asked. "We're still trying to figure out where the final piece of the Ark is," Freya said as she turned the golden box around in her furry hands. "I've got a theory that the pictures on the Ark are a clue to where each piece is," Sara said. "See those two triangles on the piece we retrieved from Oelivert? Those are the two pyramids we went to. On one of the pyramid pieces, there's a rough drawing of Alexander. That's Alexandria. On the Alexandria piece... Hmmm..." "What is it?" Dagger asked. "...I can't quite make it out, but it looks like a picture of Leviathan, the king of the ocean," Sara said. "Maybe the last piece is underwater somewhere?" "...How about the Azure Palace?" Amarant asked. Everyone looked at him like he had just said he was King of France. "Azure Palace is a huge underwater castle beneath the ocean by the Shimmering Island," he continued. "I've heard rumors of a destructive treasure being buried there..." "Sounds like a good lead," Beatrix said. "...But how will we go in? It's underwater." "...Leave that to me!" a voice behind them said. The party whipped around to see Dragon Master standing in the door. "May I come in?" Quaker, Imaginator, and Slash Man stood behind him. "Dragon Master!" Lou said. "...Slash Man." "What do you want?" Marc asked. "I thought you said we might be enemies the next time we meet." "I always keep my promises," Dragon Master said. "Even after our skirmish with Masterman, I still believe mutants have a higher place than the rest of humankind." "...Trying to get Lou, Arc and Marc to join you again?" Saria said, standing in-between Lou and Dragon Master. "No go, dynamo." "No, no, not that at all," Dragon Master said. "...I just want to help. Though mutants are superior to humankind, we still live on the same planet, and I don't want some other planet colliding with it any more than you. I heard your situation. You need a submarine, do you not?" "We'll need one to reach the Azure Palace," Steiner said. "Your assistance would be greatly appreciated." "I'd be delighted," Dragon Master said. "But I have my conditions... Prove that your mutants are superior to mine, and I'll give you a submarine." "You want us to fight?" Marc asked. "One on one," Dragon Master said. "Mutant against mutant... Of course, if you'd prefer SWIMMING to the palace..." "...It's a deal," Lou said. "Lou, you're nuts!" Sara said. "They'll cream you!" "It's mano-a-mano, Sara," Lou said. "That means I've got a chance. So do Arc and Marc." "Fine then," Dragon Master said. "The battle ground will be right outside your airship. Lou and Slash Man shall fight, Marc and Imaginator will battle, and so will Arc and Quaker. Let the battles begin!" "You won't survive this, Lou," Slash Man growled, circling Lou. "One of us shall fall by the other's hand... It's our destiny. We can't change it." "Didn't think you went for that legacy mumbo-jumbo," Lou said, twirling his staff. This got Slash Man angry, and he charged at Lou. Lou leaped out of the way quickly, escaping with only a ripped shirt. "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!!!" Imaginator taunted Marc. "Whatcha got? Nothin'! That's right, nothin'! You got nothin' on me, fuzzball!" "Nothing?..." Marc asked. He vanished and appeared behind her, sending his spiked knuckle into her back and knocking her down. "That's a pretty strong nothing," Marc remarked. Then Imaginator rolled over and threw ninja stars at him. Marc was knocked flat. "I'm gonna enjoy this, hick-boy!" Quaker laughed. He started stomping the ground. "Tain't gonna hit whatcha kain't see," Arc said, zipping around Quaker at 300 MPH. Quaker lost his concentration and fell over, his eyes becoming swirls in his eyes. "I'll cut you to pieces!" Slash Man shouted angrily, his claws shooting out all over the place. "Confusion Ray!" Lou said, focusing his psychic power into a blue beam. Slash Man became confused and started slashing at a tree nearby. It fell on him. Lou had won that battle. "How d'ya like this, ya blue Ewok?" Imaginator asked as she generated a scimitar and started chopping away at Marc. Marc ran around the area as Imaginator slashed away. He kept teleporting behind her as they ran, so she had to turn around and chase him the way they came. He finally turned around and gave her a spiked knuckle combo to her stomach. She gasped and started to fall over, but before she did, she whack Marc with a hammer and knocked him out cold. That match was a tie. "Nyah nyah," Arc taunted as he whizzed around Quaker. "Yez kaint's hit me!" Quaker jumped into the air and came crashing down with enough seismic force to cause an earthquake in all directions. Arc was thrown off balance and tumbled to the ground. Quaker grabbed him and threw him against a tree. Quaker won that round. "Enough!" Dragon Master shouted. "This has been a draw. We will have a tie-breaking battle between Lou and myself. Come on, Lou!" "Oh, great," Lou said. "Careful, Lou!" Saria called from the sidelines. "He's probably got some nasty tricks up his sleeve!" "Fine," Lou said, swinging at Dragon Master with his staff. Dragon Master evaded the blow. "Mist Dragon, blind my enemies!" Dragon Master shouted. A white dragon came out of the sky and spewed Mist all over the battlefield... I mean, more than there already was. "Oh, jeez," Lou said, looking around. "How will I be able to see where to hit?... Hey, I know..." Lou sat down on the ground in a meditative stance and closed his eyes. He seemed to be waiting for something. "Little fool," Dragon Master sneered. "Meal time, Shadow Dragon!" A black dragon made of smoke and darkness descended from the heavens. "Get Lou and defeat him," Dragon Master commanded. The dragon flew through the Mist, straight towards Lou. "Lou, look out-" Saria started, when Eiko tugged at her sleeve. "Quiet!" Eiko hissed. "Lou needs to concentrate. I've seen him do this before." The dragon was closing in on Lou. It was close at 15 feet... 10 feet... 5 feet... 2 feet... Lou's eyes snapped open, glowing completely blue. "PSYBEAM!!!" he shouted, firing a gigantic rainbow-colored ray through the Mist. It completely destroyed the dragon and knocked Dragon Master on his back. "What the?-" Zidane asked. "Lou sensed both Dragon Master and the Shadow Dragon's brain waves and waited for them to both line up so he could knock them down at the same time," Eiko said. "He did that before in bowling." "Pins don't have brains," Dagger said. "We were using chickens," Eiko admitted sheepishly. "I... I cannot battle any longer," Dragon Master gasped. "Master!" Imaginator called. "You OK, boss?" Quaker asked. "As of now, I'm no longer going to threaten humankind," Dragon Master said. "Their champion has defeated me, and I cannot face my underlings like this. I admire your strength, Lou Runic. Take the submarine that you shall find in your airship's docking bay... Stop the evil that causes the planets to collide for all of us. Farewell!" Dragon Master and his flunkies vanished in a puff of smoke. Sara came running out of the Dauntless. "You won't believe this, guys!" she said. "A big submarine just appeared in the hangar bay!" "...That's great," Lou said. He slowly turned around and went back inside. Marc and Arc did the same. "...They don't seem too thrilled," Zidane said. "Would you be if you had just smashed a man's dreams?" Saria asked. Then she went back inside. Zidane shrugged and followed the rest back into the Dauntless. The ship lifted off and flew towards the Shimmering Island. "OK, we're at the coordinates," Sara said. "Just drop the submarine down from here. I'll stay here to pick you up when you're done." "We have a problem," Marc said. "This sub is only big enough to fit 4 people." "Who's gonna go, then?" Vivi asked. "I will," Freya said. "I have to be there to pick up the piece." "I command Leviathan, king of the ocean," Dagger said. "I'm a shoe-in for sure!" "Wherever Dagger goes, I'll go," Zidane said. "...I'm going too!" Eiko said. "I wanna be in on this!" "All right, then," Lou said, a bit hurt that he wasn't chosen for the mission. He then reminded himself that if one guy was in the party the whole time, the game would get pretty boring. Well, it does. Don't look at me like that. "Even with only four of you going," Sara continued. "The sub's still a snug fit." "I can help that," Zidane said, slapping on his Rootor Mask. He shrank down to Eiko's size. "That'll help a little," Steiner said, looking at the sub. "Good luck, your Majesty." He then saluted Dagger. "I'll be just fine," Dagger said. "I've got a big, strong guy and two big, strong girls to protect me... OK, so they're not that big, but who's counting?" "See you later," Saria said. "Be careful, Eiko," Lou cautioned. "The ocean's a dangerous place." "Don't worry!" Eiko said, blushing a bit. "I'll see you later." "..Why do I get the suspicion that you happen to care for Miss Eiko?" Marc asked sleazily. "Hey, Eiko was the only friend I had until you guys came along," Lou said. "Besides, she's a little kid. Anybody would want her safe, wouldn't you think?" "I guess so," Marc said, reconsidering the issue. "Heck, if she was older, I'd definitely care about her." Sara elbowed him. "Hey, move your elbow!" Freya said. "That's not my elbow," Zidane said. "Hey, someone's got her hand on my tail!" "I thought it was Freya's tail," Eiko said. "No, that's stuck down my shirt," Dagger complained. "Oops... I guess that's my elbow." "Launching submarine," Zidane said, grabbing the controls and starting to operate them. The red sub dropped out of the Dauntless's bowels and plunged into the water. "Locking onto coordinates of the Azure Palace," Zidane continued. "Diving at a speed of 12 knots." "You seem to know a lot about submarines," Freya said. "I learned it all from watching 'Das Boot,' Zidane said. "...Forget it," Freya mumbled. "Well, let's just hope nobody blows the submarine up after we hit the surface again," Dagger said. "I ain't lookin' forward to the return trip," Eiko complained. "Move that foot! Urrrgh! I smell parmesan!" "Sorry," Dagger said, grinning sheepishly. "I guess I haven't taken my socks off in a while." The submarine dropped downwards for what seemed an eternity. It got very dark. "I can't see," Dagger complained. "I have natural night-vision, and I still can't see," Freya said. "Shh!" Zidane said. "Look up ahead." In front of them stood the awesome Azure Palace. Its coral-shaped turrets were lit up like Christmas trees. Everyone gasped in awe. "It's so beautiful," Eiko said. "...Reminds me of Madain Sari... except it's underwater." "Let's see if we can find a docking bay," Zidane said, piloting the craft towards one of the doors. "Ah, there's one." The submarine slid right through a liquid barrier into a dry port. Everyone got out and looked around. "Oh, I can breathe again!" Dagger said, shaking her hair out. Sweat poured from it. Zidane rung out his tail. "Body heat can do that to people," he said. "Come on, let's find that Ark piece." The fouresome walked through the ancient palace. Not a sound was heard, save the footsteps of the four friends. "It's almost like a mausoleum," Freya said. "Even I'm a little creeped out." "No one's been here for centuries," Zidane said. "I think we're the first visitors this place has had in a long, long time." Little did they know that a dark shadow was following them. It walked without sound, and it stayed hidden. The group finally reached a large room. Statues of fish-like beings decorated the room. "This must have been a hall for some sort of event," Dagger said. "What do you think it could've been?" "I'll tell you what it's for..." a voice behind them said. "It's the perfect place to extract my revenge!" Everyone whipped around to see who made the voice. Everyone watched as a bird-like creature flew out from behind them and landed in front of them. "Surprised to see me, your Majesty?" it asked. "Tritoch," Dagger growled. "You!" Zidane growled. Everyone got ready for a fight. "It's only the four of you," Tritoch said, looking disappointed. "Well, I'll just dispose of you and deal with your friends later!" "You're gonna pay for taking over my body!" Dagger challenged. "I'll take you on!" "Oh, what a spunky little queen," Tritoch smirked. "Fine. We shall settle who controls your vessel once and for all. Let it begin." "I summon you, Leviathan!" Dagger called. "Wash Tritoch over with your Tidal Wave!" A giant wave of water appeared, but Tritoch just flew over it and evaded it. "TETRA DESTROYER!!!" he screeched as he hurled a giant ball of fire, lightning and ice energy at Dagger. It hit dead-center and knocked her flat. "Dagger!" Zidane called. "Ramuh, strike him down with a Judgement Bolt!" Dagger called. The old man appeared and sent his staff right into Tritoch. It had no effect. "You'll never beat me like that, little princess," Tritoch snarled. "TALON SCRATCH!!" Tritoch dug his claws into Dagger. He then threw her across the room, and into a statue. It crumbled in half. "No!" Eiko cried. "I regret that you are almost defenseless, Dagger," Tritoch said, picking up another statue and walking over to Dagger. "After waiting so long for this day..." "No!!" Zidane called. Tritoch slammed the statue down on Dagger as hard as he could. "...It was, sadly, too easy," Tritoch sneered. "...Now then, who's next?" "You, you, you!" Zidane growled, the tears welling up. "Monster..." Freya said, readying her spear. "You're gonna pay!" Eiko cried. Suddenly, the statue that had crushed Dagger started moving. Tritoch turned around, a look of disbelief appearing on his beaked face. Dagger reappeared in Trance mode, lifting the statue up and hurling it back at Tritoch. He was thrown back into the opposite wall. "Dagger!" Zidane cried in relief. "Ark, send this bird to jail," Dagger said, her staff glowing gold. The tremendous Ark appeared and blasted Tritoch with his Shadow Ray. Tritoch reverted into a piece of stone. Dagger went and picked it up. "It's an Onyx," Dagger said. "I remember hearing a rumor that only one person can summon Tritoch," Eiko said. "I've already learned all my Eidolon summons," Dagger said. She held it out for Eiko to take. "Here, Eiko. Take it with my blessings." Eiko took the stone from Dagger's hand. "I'll take real good care of it!" she said, smiling warmly. "Now that Tritoch is out of the way, let's keep moving," Freya said. "Oh, Dagger, I thought I'd lost you," Zidane sobbed, rubbing his Rootor face on her shirt. "Zidane, you're getting sap on me," Dagger said. "Easy, fellah." "Sorry," Zidane sniffed. "I'm just glad you're OK." The group continued on to the next part of the palace. This part looked even creepier than the last part. Now there seemed to be statues of fish-monsters all over the place. "What are those?" Eiko asked. "Those are statues of Siros," Dagger said. "They were fish demons that attacked virgin humans and hypnotized them into becoming more Siros." "Brrr!" Freya said. "Wouldn't want that to happen to me." They arrived at the throne room. A large, golden throne sat on top of a huge flight of steps. After climbing the steps, the group oberved the chair. "...The Ark piece was sewn into this chair," Dagger concluded. "No problem," Freya said, slashing the chair open with her claws. She took the piece out and stuffed it in her pocket. "Let's vamoose!" she said. The group headed back to the submarine and piled in again. They floated back up to the surface. "We're THIS close to completing the Ark," Eiko said. "...So why do I feel like something awful is about to happen?..." The submarine rose to the surface of the ocean. The Dauntless hovered down and scooped it up with its claw. The sub came safely into the docking bay, and its four passengers tumbled out, gasping for air. Zidane took off his Rootor Mask. "I forgot that Rootors need more oxygen than humans... Sorry!" "Good," Lou said. "We have all the Ark pieces. Let's put 'em together and see what we have." Freya amd Vivi carefull put the pieces together, one at a time. "Reminds me of Legos when I was a kid," Freya sighed. "Man, were those fun." Everyone watched as Freya was about to place the final piece on the top. Suddenly, the whole ship shook. "What the-" Marc asked. "Feels like something hit us," Sara said. "It done hit us HARD," Arc said, looking out the window. "All o' th' b'loon's gassies is goin' bah-bah." "Er... Lou, you might want to come see this," Saria said, looking out the window. Lou walked over and gasped. Hovering outside the window, with four arms, each with a sword like Steiner's, floated Masterman. His pupilless eyes glared at Lou. "So, we meet again," Masterman said. "I wish it was under better circumstances, but it isn't." Lou, Marc and Arc ran up onto the flight deck to confront Masterman. "What do you want?" Lou asked. "The Ark," Masterman said, one of his hands motioning for it. "I cannot allow you to disrupt the Master's plans." "The Master?..." Marc asked. "Master Kuja gets very angry when his plans get disrupted," Masterman continued. "Now, hand it over, and be quick about it." "You work for Kuja?!" Lou asked. "That means... That means that Kuja had us created... All the mutants..." "The Mutants have powers that Kuja needs to assimilate Gaia into Terra II," Masterman continued. "He had me create you all so he could create the perfect world... His own." "Well, whatever the reason," Marc said. "You ain't gettin' any Arks from us." "Yeah, go fahnd yer own me!" Arc shouted. "I will not hesitate to destroy you if the Ark is not returned," Masterman said, his four arms starting to pulse with energy. "Now... Give me the Ark or die." "...I choose neither," Lou said. "I may be a tool for a crazy man's plans, but I'm not letting them be carried out!" "Amen to that," Marc said, his spiked knuckle gleaming in the sunlight. "Ah ain't neither," Arc said, his pitchfork drawn. "Fine. I'll just eliminate all of you," Masterman said. "Now perish!" Masterman flew at them with his four swords firing deadly, blue beams. Everyone jumped out of the way, but the beams started knocking holes in the ship. "If the ship takes too much damage, we're all history!" Saria shouted from below. "Stop him, quickly!" "Right," Lou said. "PSYBEAM!" The rainbow beam dove deep into Masterman's mechanical body. It shook violently. "You shall pay for your foolishness, little boy," Masterman growled. "Quadruple Slash." Masterman floated down in front of Lou and started slashing like crazy with his swords. Lou got pretty cut up, and was knocked backwards. "Quit hurtin' the ship!" Marc shouted, jumping on Masterman and teleporting them into the sky. There, they struggled. "MORPH!!!" Marc shouted, driving his knuckle into Masterman's skull. He was met with an electric pulse that shook him off of Masterman. He quickly teleported himself back onto the deck. "Aya... Hey, that hurt!" Marc swore. "Ah's gonna stop 'im," Arc said, zipping out into the air and running around Masterman. His speed allowed him to move without succumbing to gravity. He kept stabbing Masterman with his pitchfork until Masterman got wise and grabbed the pitchfork. He hurled Arc back to the deck. "...Ah don'ts gits th' r'speck Ah thinks Ah deserves," Arc mumbled, and fell over. "Now I shall destroy your ship, taking you and the Ark to a fast death," Masterman said. "OMEGA RAY!!!" The huge, green beam headed straight for the Dauntless's balloon. "No, you don't!" Lou shouted, jumping up and amazingly smacking the beam back at Masterman. Masterman exploded in an unearthly shriek. "Yes!" Lou said, twirling his staff like that spiky-haired kid with the big sword always did. "You beat him?" Saria asked as she came up on deck. "Way to go, guys!" "Thanks," Marc said, getting up. "Urrrgh... I smell like barbecue." Suddenly, Masterman's voice echoed through the sky all around the ship. "You little fools. Without me, the two planets will refuse to merge. Now, the planets will collide! You will still die! Kuja has won... HA... HA... HA... HA..." The sky turned blood-red, and Terra II appeared even closer to Gaia. It blotted out the whole sky with its mass. "Holy crap," Zidane said as everyone came out on deck to look. "How long do you think we have now?" Steiner asked. "By my most recent calculations..." Sara said, typing on her calculator. "...Six hours!" "Six hours?!" everyone yelled. Evil laughter was heard throughout the sky. Everyone looked up and saw that the planet had grown a face... It was the same face that was on Jungle Masker's mask! "You pathetic simpletons!" the planet shouted. "You've just doomed yourselves! Having Masterman assimilate your planet into this one would've been your best chance for survival! Instead, both worlds will be crushed! Kuja will reign supreme! MWAAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAA!!!!" "Kuja..." Zidane growled. "It looks like the first place the planet will touch Gaia is Madain Sari," Amarant said, looking through his spyglass. "Oh, no! My Moogle friends!" Eiko cried. "That means Navi City is next," Lou exclaimed. "Please, Lou! Let's go to Madain Sari and stop that thing!" Eiko pleaded as she cried into his vest. "Of course we will," Lou said. He noticed Saria looking at him in a loving way. "...What's wrong, Saria?" Lou asked. "Hmm... Huh? Oh, nothing," Saria said, going beet red. "It'll take 5 hours alone to reach Madain Sari," Sara said. "It'll be a tight fight..." "Right," Zidane said. "While we fly, we'll have to find out how the Ark works." Everyone went into the ship to look over the completed Ark. It was a golden box with two angels engraved on the top. There was also some writing on the top. "Hey, it's a music score!" Vivi said. "Try playing it with your flute, Eiko!" Eiko pulled out her flute and played the 9-note song; GABF(Sharp)F(Sharp)GF(Sharp)DE "What the?..." Dagger asked. "That's the same song that I always sing..." The Ark glowed a strange glow. Then it started to hover above the table. Then it landed and grew silent again. Eiko learned the MELODY OF LIFE; ARK VERSION! "That piece triggers the Ark into doing whatever it's supposed to do," Freya said. "We'll need you to play it again soon, Eiko." "Yeah! I get to save the world!" Eiko said happily, dancing around. "Don't get too happy," Zidane warned. "If I know Kuja, this is only the beginning..." "...We're here," Steiner said quietly as the ship set down just outside Madain Sari. "Time to put a stop to this, once and for all," Zidane said, his tail swishing around in an angry-cat-like motion. "Kuja..." Lou said. "Never met the guy, but the name makes me nervous..." "Whatever's in there, we'll face... together..." Saria said, putting her soft hand on Lou's shoulder. He looked at her and smiled slightly. "Thanks, Saria," Lou said calmly. "All right. Let's go mess Kuja's plans up." "We'd better hurry," Sara said. "We only have half an hour!" The gang rushed into Madain Sari, looking around for some clue as to where Kuja might be. Terra II hung over the town like a nightmare. What am I saying? It WAS a nightmare. "Where would the best place to be happen to be if one was summoning a planet?" Marc asked. "...The Eidolon Wall!" Eiko exclaimed, running towards the ancient temple. "Wait up, Eiko!" Lou shouted, running after her. Everyone else followed in their tracks. Eiko and Lou entered the massive wall first. In the center of the room floated Jungle Masker. He seemed to be chanting something. Then, he turned around and noticed the two. "..." he said. The rest of the party now entered. "Kuja, this has gone too far!" Zidane challenged. "You're a despicable scumbag!" Marc angrily huffed. "Ah's gonna stuff ya an' pass ye off as uh gopher!" Arc said. "I hope this thing does what it's supposed to do," Freya said, holding the golden Ark. "Even I find you loathesome," Amarant growled. "...And that says a lot." "Well, whatever," Jungle Masker snickered. "Even if you could hurt me, you'd be too late. Just look above you," he said, motioning to the huge planet. "...If it's something that can be stopped... JUST TRY TO STOP IT!!!" Jungle Masker looked straight up at the moon and let out a loud, horrible wail. It sounded like a canary tied to a merry-go-round going at top speed. Terra II started to move downwards even faster. "Oh, sh--!" Dagger swore. "Woah," Zidane said, looking at Dagger. "...For some strange reason, I'm turned on by that." "He's speeding up the planet's velocity!" Sara shouted, punching numbers into her pocket calculator. "At this rate, we only have... THIRTY SECONDS!!!" "Eiko, please, play the Melody of Life!" Lou said, shoving Eiko's flute towards her. Eiko grabbed it and frantically puffed out the notes. GABF(Sharp)F(Sharp)GF(Sharp)DE Suddenly, the Ark shook and shuddered. "What?..." Freya said. Everyone watched as the box blew open. The light that came from it was blinding. Suddenly, every Eidolon on Gaia appeared and flew upwards into the night sky. They put their bodies against the planet and pushed as hard as they could. The planet continued to drop. "Oh, no..." Vivi said. "We blew it..." "Not if I have anything to say about it," Lou said, putting his hands to his forehead and grunting as hard as he could. Veins started to emerge on Lou's sweating forehead. The planet became surrounded by a faint, blue globe. "Lou's trying to stop the planet with his mind!" Saria said. "...If Lou's gonna keep fighting, I will too! HOLY!!!" She fired a white ray towards the planet that pushed hard to stop it from falling onto Gaia. "Lou, we are here to help," Dragon Master called as he and his flunkies flew in on a silver dragon. "Tempest Dragon, Mist Dragon, Shadow Dragon... Use your might to stop that planet!" "I'm here, too," Oil said, oozing out from the shadows. She linked herself between the ground and the planet and pushed as hard as she could. Slowly, but surely, with the help of everyone giving their best efforts... The planet stopped dropping. Jungle Masker saw this, and grew furious. "You IDIOTS!!!" he screamed. "You've ruined my plans... But I still have enough energy to destroy you and your playmates, Zidane!" He swooped down and snatched Eiko's flute. He then played the long-feared REQUIEM OF REVIVAL... EFEDCDEG(Sharp)A Jungle Masker dropped the flute, and his entire body began to shake. Then the body slumped over. "What?..." Beatrix asked. "What happened?" "Perhaps the strain was too much for Jungle Masker," Sara said. "The body may have been too weak..." "Correct," a voice said. "This shell was too weak to hold MY power." "What? Who said that?! That voice sounds familiar..." Eiko said. The body rose up and hovered about a feet in the air. The mask was talking! "A puppet than can no longer be used is useless garbage," the mask said. "This puppet's role has just ended." The party heard a snap, and the body fell from the mask. "...Blank?!" Zidane asked surprisedly. "Marcus and Cinna did say he'd been gone a long time..." Suddenly, a pillar of light formed beneath the planet's mouth. The mask shuddered and started to grow. Arms, legs and a head began to form on it. Pretty soon, the person was easy to identify. "Kuja!" Lou said. "Oh, so you know who I am?" Kuja asked. "Very well. You may have stopped my plans, but I've got more than enough power to take you on! Follow if you dare..." Kuja flew up inside the mouth of the planet. Its eyes lit up and looked even more terrifying than before. "I SHALL CONSUME EVERYTHING..." The planet roared, and started to drop again. The Eidolons struggled to keep it from tumbling, as did Dragon Master and Oil. "Hurry and destroy him and this planet!" Dragon Master shouted to Lou. "Hurry, Lou! Everyone's counting on you guys!" Oil strained to shout. "Right," Lou said, making a fist. "This ends here and now. Kuja may have had the idea to create mutants, but playing God will only end in defeat... Time to administer it." "I'm with you, Lou," Saria said. "I'm scared, but I know we'll beat him." "We're all with you!" Zidane said. "Come on, guys!" Everyone went towards the light pillar... Everyone, that is, but Amarant. "Amarant, aren't you coming?" Dagger asked. "...Oh, what the hell," Amarant said. "How many times do you get to go inside a planet?" He gave the slightest hint of a smile. Everyone stood in the pillar of light. They felt themselves being lifted up into the planet's massive mouth. "Good luck!" the other mutants shouted... Then all was black. "Ohhh..." Lou groaned as he sat up. He noticed all his friends lying around him. They started to stir as well. Lou then looked around at where they were. They seemed to be out in a huge, grassy field. A blue, sunny sky hung over them, and a single tree sat in the center of the expanse. "What the hell? Where'd we go?" Marc asked as he got up. "This is probably another of Kuja's illusions," Zidane said as he stood up and looked around. Everyone else pretty much got up without comment. "Ah think Ah's done busted mah elby-bone," Arc complained. "Any food here? No? I sad..." Quina commented. "You're still here?" Steiner asked. "I real quiet when I want to be," Quina said, grinning loonily. "Look over there..." Saria said, pointing at the base of the tree. Kuja sat under it, eating an apple. Lou and the rest walked over to him. "Hmmm..." Kuja said, biting into the apple. "Very good, isn't it? You know, if I had never got rid of my good side, I'd have never formulated such a great plan. I always believed that the powers of darkness were stronger than that goodie-good-guy stuff, and I'm about to prove it." "What are you yammering about?" Lou asked. "The powers of darkness will never be fully dominant. Where there's darkness, there's always light. The opposite is the same. They're the Yin and the Yang of existance, just like the Crystal and the Zero World... They need each other to keep things balanced..." "How did you know about the Crystal and the Zero World?" Zidane asked. "Hey, I play my video games," Lou said. "Face it, Kuja. You can't win, and neither can we. If you win, more people will stand up against you. If we win, there'll just be another evil being walking the earth by the end of the week. Why don't we just call it a draw?" "I'm sorry, I'm a bit hard of hearing," Kuja mocked. "Did you say a draw? I never give up. You want me to surrender? You'll have to take me out first." "I apologize in advance then," Lou said, readying his staff. "People say that mutants are merciless killers, but I had hoped to prove them otherwise..." "Your dreams and hopes are futile," Kuja said, revealing the Jungle Masker's mask fused into his chest. "Prepare to meet your creator." "...You ARE my creator," Lou said. "Should we help?" Vivi asked. "Gladly," Saria said, drawing her knife. The dimensions shifted, and the party found themselves in deep space. "Kuja morph to Kuja Gamma!" Kuja shouted. His muscles got bigger, and his hair got wilder. The mask on his chest's eyes glowed bright yellow. "Come on, kids!" Kuja challenged. "You won't win!" Zidane said, his daggers glistening in the celestial light. "THIEVERY!" A giant treasure box landed on Kuja and vanished. "You think you can beat me with toys?" Kuja asked. "DEVIL'S TEARS!!!" Kuja fired acidic blasts of liquid at the party. "Watch out, Saria!" Lou shouted as he pushed her out of the way of a blast. He got up and ran back to attack before he could see Saria's huge blush. "TERRA HOMING!!!" Eiko shouted, summoning Madeen. "MEGA FLARE!!!" Dagger shouted, summoning Bahamut. "DOOMSDAY SWORD!!!" Steiner shouted as Vivi pumped up his sword. "SHOCK!!!" Beatrix shouted, sending her blade home. "Now to wrap things up," Lou said. "PSYWAVE!!!" Lou's rainbow-colored ray of pent-up psychic energy dove straight into Kuja's black soul. He staggered backwards and fell to his knees. "You are strong," Kuja said. "Almost worthy of fighting me... But you haven't seen anything yet." "What's he yapping about now?" Marc asked. "Kuja Gamma... Megamorph to KUJA OMEGA!!!" Kuja shouted, his body exploding in a gigantic blast of energy. When the light disappeared, there was a gigantic, angry, demon-like monster where Kuja had been. "Take your leave or suffer!" Kuja hissed. "CRYING HEAVENS!!!" Hundreds of blue lightning bolts shot down at the party. "You bad man," Quina said. "MIGHTY GUARD! WHITE WIND!" Quina's protective barrier stopped the bolts while the wind healed everyone. "Thankee kindly, ma'am, or suh, or whatevers," Arc said. "Ah'll stop 'im with mah Speed Burner!" He flew right into Kuja and delivered a fiery piercing to his chest. Kuja knocked him away with one smack. "Time to put a stop to this," Marc said, teleporting from one place to another. He reappeared above Kuja and thrust his knuckle into Kuja's forehead. "That one is for my mom!" he shouted angrily. "You have a mother?..." Kuja asked. "Well, now I can safely call you a son-of-a..." Kuja belted Marc across the room. Sara jumped up and caught him. "That was brave, Marc," Sara said. Marc looked up and grinned. Sara took her turn next. "Dancing has never failed me, and it won't now!" She started to dance. "Try my Knights of the Round Dance!" As she danced, the 13 Knights of the Round delivered deadly damage to Kuja. He shook with pain. "Clever, but not effective enough!" Kuja shouted as he swatted Sara backwards. This time, Marc caught her. "You OK?" Marc asked. Sara blushed. "Yeah, I'm OK," she said quietly. "Try my Demi Shock on for size," Amarant growled, thrusting his claws into Kuja. "FORCE FIELD!!!" Kuja shouted, erecting an electric field that zapped Amarant and knocked him flat. "Sorry, everyone," he choked. "I tried..." "METEOR!!!" Vivi shouted, sending a huge asteroid down at Kuja. Kuja merely grabbed it and hurled it at Vivi. "That's gotta sting," Kuja chuckled. "Try my Cherry Blossoms," Freya said, whirling up a storm of flowers. "You think agriculture is going to stop me, you rat?" Kuja asked, grabbing her in his huge claw. "I'm gonna do something I read about in another story!" He squeezed Freya very hard until he could hear cracking and snapping. He then hurled her to the side. "Now, for you..." he said, advancing towards Zidane, Dagger, Lou and Saria. "Oh, no you don't," Zidane said, going into Trance Mode. "GRAND LETHAL!!!" "I met my end against that attack last time," Kuja said. "I've learned to guard against it." The Grand Lethal attack just bounced right off. Kuja knocked Dagger and Zidane flying. Lou and Saria were the only ones left. "Oh, look. I'll kill this love affair before it begins," Kuja said, readying himelf for a confrontation. Lou and Saria looked at each other. They nodded. Lou got on the ground, and Saria got on his back. "Ready?" they asked each other. "ULTIMA!!!" Kuja shouted, firing the pink rays of destruction at the two party members left. "HOLIEST MIND!!!" Lou and Saria shouted in unison. Lou's Psywave and Saria's Holy attacks mixed to form a white ray that shot right through Kuja, leaving a gaping hole. The Ultima attack dissolved into nothing. "...I suppose I should have created something weaker..." Kuja gasped. "...Like some ants!..." He fell over and faded away into the Jungle Mask once again. Lou walked over and picked the mask up. "What should we do now?" Eiko asked. "Kuja's evil spirit still haunts that mask." "I know just what to do," Zidane said, putting on his Rootor Mask. "Pull." Lou threw the mask into the air like a frisbee, and Zidane lashed it to pieces with his viney tongue. He then became normal Zidane and put his Rootor Mask away. Terra II started to shake. Within minutes, it had disintegrated into nothing and Lou and company were back within the Eidolon Wall. "...We did it," Steiner said. "Kuja will never again harm another living being," Zidane said, a smile appearing on his boyish face. "Mother..." Dagger said. "You're avenged." "The world's safe!" Marc said. "Let's throw a party!" "I knew you could do it," Dragon Master said as Slash Man, Quaker, Imaginator, Oil and he came over to the party. "You are a strong team." "Thankee kindly, misser Draygunn Mayasturr," Arc said, grinning like an idiot. "Lou, Marc, Arc, I thank you," Dragon Master continued with a graceful bow. "Watching you, I have learned that perhaps there is a way for humans and mutants to live in harmony. I shall devote myself to using peaceful methods of integrating the societies from now on. Farewell!" "...See ya 'round, bro," Slash Man said to Amarant. "What you guys did back there... I could never do. Thanks for teachin' me humility. See ya 'round, Lou." "Now that's the man I fell in love with!" Oil said, giving Lou a big, gooey hug. "Have fun with your new girlfriend! Hey, Saria. Wanna know what drives him nuts?" "I never imagined a barfight would take me this far," Quaker said to Marc. "All I can say is... Dude, you rock! Hey, maybe I can buy you a beer." "Sorry I was so mean to you in that library, kid," Imaginator said, shaking Vivi's hand. "You're a real power pack." "Aww, shucks," Vivi said, blushing. After the other mutants left, Lou looked around. "What now?" he asked. "Well, I guess we go home," Zidane said. "But I don't have a home to go home to," Lou said. Then he remembered something. "Oh, yeah! I forgot about my mansion!" "Joint's probably loaded with squatters by now," Marc said. "HEYYY!!!" Kain shouted as he entered the ruins. "...Oh, great. I missed out again! Dammit!" Everyone, including Kain, laughed. Some time later... "Are you going?" Freya asked Fratley. "It's Queen Garnet's wedding day." "She finally decided to tie the knot, huh?" Fratley asked. "Why not?" "Going to Alexandria again?" Lani asked Amarant as he hopped over South Gate's bridge. "Where've you been keeping yourself all through this story?" Amarant asked. "Sorry," Lani said. "I've been pulling a part-time job as a stunt double for 'Digimon's' Sora. They canned me when I axed Matt." "I knew it wouldn't last," Vivi, who was walking with Amarant, said as he shook his head. "Mind if I join you boys?" Slash Man asked as he appeared on the scene. "One big, happy family, huh?" Amarant asked sarcastically. "Hurry! We make big dinner!" Quina shouted to the Alexandrian chefs. "Gotta be good for new King and Queen!" "Whatcha thinks o' this, Quina?" Arc asked. "Uh big ol' model o' Alexander made outta stuffed gophers!" "Get that outta here, or I eat it!" Quina joked. "You got good future as gourmand. Hey, I make you my apprentice!" "Okeee dowkee, Master Quina," Arc laughed. "'Course, first we'se gonna makes sure them royals eats, raght?" "With all these books from Ispen's Castle, my library's gonna be a smash hit!" Sara said, adding books to the shelves. "Marc, how's it going in the G's?" "J-just fine!" Marc gasped as he stood on tippy-toe to stick one more book in. The case started to fall. "Uh-oh," Marc said. He teleported to Sara, grabbed her, and Teleported to safety as all the bookcases fell down in a domino-like effect. "You idiot!" Sara shouted angrily. "...But thanks for saving me. Hey, it's time for the wedding! Let's go!" "I'm already there," Marc said, picking Sara up and teleporting them both straight to Alexandria Castle. "...Feeling OK?" Marcus asked Blank. "I haven't the faintest memory of what happened," Blank said. "We're just glad you're back, bro," Cinna said. Baku came up behind Blank and slapped him in the back. "Yeah, we'll need you around a lot more, now that Zidane's tying the noose... Uh, I mean knot." "Boys, the weddin's startin'!" Ruby called. "Hurry, unless ya want Steiner to toss you INTO the gates!" "Beatrix, I thank you for standing by my side all these years," Steiner said. "You're the finest partner a soldier could ask for!" "...And?..." Beatrix asked, expecting something else. "Well, I, I, uh..." Steiner went over and whispered something in Beatrix's ear. "Oh, you big sweetie!" she said, hugging him. "...Hey, we'd better get down to the main hall and greet the guests!" "With all the fuss you're putting up, you'd think it was OUR wedding," Steiner said, shrugging. Steiner and Beatrix greeted every guest warmly. "Well, everyone's accounted for, except..." Beatrix said. "...Where are Lou, Saria and Eiko?" Steiner asked. "Off on some vacation," Vivi said. "...Said they wanted some time alone... They sent a present, though." Beatrix ran the gift through the metal detector. It went off. Beatrix quickly unwrapped the gift and looked inside. "Oh, it's another waffle iron," Beatrix said, looking around. "I'll, uh, just store this, uh, in a safe place." She ran off down the hall. "I'm beginning to wish we never put in that metal detector," Steiner said. "Beatrix has seen every present brought in before Zidane and her Majesty." "...You sure we shouldn't be at the wedding?" Saria asked Lou. "There'll be plenty more weddings," Lou said. "Right now, all I want is some peace and quiet. That's why I built this cabin near the lake." "Well," Saria said, seductively running her fingers up Lou's leg. "With me around, you won't get a lot of peace..." "And with ME around, you won't get ANY quiet!" Eiko laughed, hopping up on the couch in between Lou and Saria. "With you around, who needs children?" Lou asked. They all laughed. The sun began to set on Gaia, as it always had, and always will now, thanks to our brave hero and his friends. "...Nobody ever wanted to be my friend," Vincent groused inside his coffin. "Shut up and move over," Yolei snapped. "OW! Watch where you move that claw! Why didn't you install an anti-lock device on this thing? My mom's gonna be pissed! HELP! HELLLP!!!" "For the love of mike," Vincent thought. He then opened his Vampire's Life magazine and read. THE END