FINAL FANTASY 7.5 Written by Lou Smith Inspiration by Elliott Krein "Raining again," 16-year-old Lou Degobah said, staring out the window of his 3rd floor apartment in Normoon, a new town south of Wutai. "It always rains when I think about what happened." Lou was an ex-member of the group AVALANCHE and had been on his own for about a year now, and he often found himself reflecting upon what had happened. He had quit the group on account that he was no good at sneaking into Shinra reactors. He'd always find the creak in the floor or the right dust speck to make him sneeze or something. He had sensed his upcoming dismissal and took the one chance he had to laugh in Barret's face; he quit. Now he was just a loner, lounging in his apartment all day, watching old Sailor Moon reruns. Well, he wasn't exactly a loner. He had saved Jessie. On his one trip back to Midgar (6 months ago) he had just happened to spy someone attempting to crawl out of the Sector 7 rubble. He helped Jessie out and hauled her back to Normoon. She had taken 4 months to recover, but she was just fine now. "I really gotta hand it to ya," Jessie said as she walked into the room where Lou was sipping homemade tea, "you might have been bad at sneaking around, but you sure know how to be in the right place at the right time." "Hey, after that one time you tried to build me a chameleon net so that I wouldn't be noticed or heard, it was the least I could do," Lou replied. "So, Lou..." Jessie asked. "You have any other friends?" "Only Herr Püssy Wüssy," Lou said, motioning towards his cat. "And he just sleeps all day." "I just wonder what happened to the others," Jessie said. "I mean, Cloud, Barret, Tifa, Biggs, Wedge..." "Biggs and Wedge are dead," Lou muttered. "I searched for them, and when I found them, I recognized only their clothing. The plate must have been very heavy. The others went off to stop some 'Sephiroth' dude." "I wouldn't know," Jessie answered. "How long was I out?" "4 months," Lou said, shaking his head. "I thought you were a goner. It's a good thing that the steps you were lying on were catapulted to the near edge of the mess. You must have a guardian angel watching you, Jess." "Huh," Jessie shrugged, and rubbed at a natural blush. "I'll say this; you sure know how to charm the ladies." "My secret," Lou said, sitting back and munching a few oyster crackers, "is not to try." "Well, it works," Jessie said. "I have no wish to pursue a relationship, Jessie," Lou mumbled. "Friends are good enough for me." "Ahh," Jessie said. She watched as Sailor Moon kicked another hairy monster's behind, the retired to Lou's bedroom. Lou was sleeping in the living room, so you can stop blushing now, reader. Lou turned off the VCR and switched on the news. "Increasing reports of supernatural activity have national authorities on their toes 24 hours a day," the reporter droned. "Reports of devilish-looking apparations coming into people's houses and scaring little children and elderly people into wetting their pants have been increasing since the fall of the Shinra company." "Hmmph," Lou muttered as he shut off the tube. "If they wanna come, they can come. Fine by me." He flopped onto the couch and fell asleep. Around 2 AM he woke up. He had heard a girl's voice somewhere. "Lou...." it had whispered. "Jessie, is that you?" he whispered back. "No, stupid!" the voice retorted. It was coming from Lou's lucky teacup. He had carried it since he was 3, and it had served him well. "Who are you?" Lou asked, picking up the teacup. "You don't sound familiar. Do I know you?" "You knew Cloud," the voice whispered. "That's enough for me." "Cloud?!" Lou asked. "What does Cloud have to do with a talking teacup? Is there a speaker in here somewhere?" "Just how dense can you be? God's teeth, man! Look, just listen to what I'm trying to tell you, huh?" "Sorry. What?" "My name...." the voice paused, as if for effect. "...Is Aeris Gainsborough. I was a... friend of Cloud's." "Ooooh," Lou said in a goofy sounding voice that made Aeris chuckle. "Ha, ha... stop that. I'm serious here. Lissen up. I'm actually dead right now, but there is a way to revive me. There's always a way for everything." "Your point?" "I'm in the world beneath the earth. That's where all the spirits go when they're waiting to be born as new creatures. Saint Peter has informed me that I can get my old life and my old body back if someone from your world comes to get me." "Why didn't you ask Cloud?" Lou asked. "You don't even know me." "Cloud has given up thinking that I'm still around," Aeris said sadly. "You still believe in ghosts and spirits, so I can talk to you." "It pays to be superstitious, huh?" Lou asked. "Lissen, I'm sending a few things to you," Aeris said. On the table next to the teacup, a hammer and a ruby compass appeared. Lou held the things in his hand. "OK, the hammer I can use, but this compass?" "...It will point you in the direction you need to go," Aeris's voice said. Suddenly, there was a voice behind her. "What are you doing? Get away from there!" It was a dark and grating voice. "Help, Lou! Come quickly...." Aeris's voice dwindled away. Lou sat down in his easy chair and looked the hammer and compass. "Lou? What's wrong?" Jessie asked, coming into the living room in her birthday suit. "The teacup just talked to me and GAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!" Lou said, covering his eyes. "Mine eyes hath been soiled!" "....Oops. I'll go put on a shirt." Jessie disappeared and reappeared in her usual threads. "You said the teacup talked to you?" "Yes." He spent the next 5 minutes explaining it to her. She put her hands to her mouth. "Hmm.... Well, it is evident that this will help a lost soul crying out for a second chance, and a chance for me to get out for a while. We can leave tomorrow morning." "OK," Lou said. "But why do you want to go?" "I've seen those doggone Sailor Moon episodes so many times I wanna put an axe through the TV," she growled. "See you in the morning." In the morning, the two started to pack for their long journey. "I want to take Herr Püssy Wüssy," Jessie said. "He's so cute and fluffy and-" Suddenly, Herr Püssy Wüssy horked up a hairball. "You were saying?..." Lou asked. Suddenly, the hairball started to shake. "What in the?!" Lou said, jumping back. Arms and legs popped out, and a face emerged. "Phew, am I glad to get outta there!" it said, standing up. "I've been climbing that digestive tract for months! Can you believe how much crap was in-" "This hairball talks....." Jessie said, and promptly fainted. "Just call me Hairball," Hairball said. "I don't know how I came to life, but I did. And I'm SO glad to be out of that joint! Ughhh!" "What are you?" Lou asked. "I am what you see, mister." Hairball answered. "This was one of those one-in-a-million-type of occurrences, and I'm alive!" "...... OK," Lou said. "Well, we're about to go off on a trip, so..." "A trip? No problem! Let's get going!" Hairball, bounced around the room, leaving small puddles of cat barf on the draperies. After some confusion, the three of them, actually set foot outside of time. The rain was gently drizzling. "Hey, you're a hairball," Jessie said, "so why aren't you falling apart because of the rain?" "I...." Hairball said, "am a magical hairball. I can use magic, too." "Really? What kind....?" Lou asked. Hairball raised his hands. "Fire 2!" he shouted. and a tree nearby burst into flame. He then pointed at a rock. "Ice!" he said, and the rock was encased in a wall of ice. "...Wow," Jessie said. "Cool," Lou said. "We may need a magic user who doesn't use Materia." "Materia?" Jessie asked. "You have some?" "Only the basic elements," Lou said, holding out 2 crystals. "Cure and All. That way I can keep our strength up." They didn't know it at this time, but there was a certain individual watching the three travelers from the bushes. This individual's mind was racing with all sorts of nasty plots. Lou held up the compass. "I guess the compass will tell us where to go," he said. The compass spun around a few times, and then pointed north. "I guess we go to Wutai, huh?" Jessie asked. "Wutai? Wutai? Wow!" Hairball said, bouncing around again. "C'mon, Lou, let's go, let's go, let's go!" "He's a hyper little goofball," Jessie mumbled. "Not goofball...." Hairball said, grinning happily. "Hairball!" "Whatever." "I can do tricks! Wanna see?" He opened his mouth and spewed filth into the bushes. The certain individual got drenched. "That's my Sludge attack," Hairball said. "And no matter what, I always grow back! My body is a magnet for dust and grime particles floating through the air, and-" Lou and Jessie had began walking ahead. "Hey! Where're you going?! Wait up!" Hairball asked, bouncing along behind them. As they wandered through the flatlands, Lou glanced around. "Sure is quiet. I wonder if there're any monsters around here?..." He hadn't finished his sentence when three Hulabulas appeared out of nowhere. Hulabulas were demons dressed in leis. They looked stupid, but where strong enough for the beginning adventurer to test his or her skills. "Looks like we'll have to fight," Lou said, pulling out his hammer. "You got a weapon, Jessie?" "Yeah," Jessie said, producing a gun she had built at the apartment. Hairball pulled out a megaphone. "What do you do with that?" Lou asked. Hairball fired giant bouts of sludge and muck through the megaphone that destroyed his opponent. "I see," Jessie said, firing her gun at the next Hulabula. It also vanished in a red flash. "OK! let's see what this baby can do," Lou said, bringing his hammer down upon the last Hulabula. It flattened the Hulabula hard, and that monster also disappeared. "Hey, where's that music coming from?" Jessie asked. "What music?" "You know, that da da da da duh duh da duh dummmm! Haven't I heard that somewhere?" "All I know is that we just got some cash," Lou said, picking up a sack of G's. G's were the land's new currency. "I think I gained a level," Hairball said. "It said so up there." "Where?" "On the big blue screen." "You're seeing things." They finally reached Wutai. "Looks like a normal town," Hairball said. "Looks like a Japanese restraunt to me," Jessie replied. "Let's go see what there is at the shops," Lou suggested. So they went to the Materia shop. "Uh, no... I'm sorry, we have no Materia here," the shopkeeper said. "You sure?" Lou asked. "You seem edgy and nervous. Is your family life all right? You know, I know a counselor who-" "There's no Materia here," the shopkeeper said huffly. Lou gave up and stared to walk out the door. "Sir," the shopkeeper said as Lou was about to leave, "it might please you to know that I've been happily married for 26 years." "Well, glad to hear it," Lou said, walking out the door back to his friends. Suddenly, the shop's phone rang. The shopkeeper picked it up, and Lou could hear the conversation. "Doris, I told you never to call me at the office. No, not a penny. I give you a standard allowance and it's up to you to run the house on it. And if that fat, stupid son of ours would go out and get a job you wouldn't have to pester me all the time!" He slam down the phone. "Jeez," Lou sighed. "That's just sad." They decided to speak with the village elder in the mansion near the 5-story temple. "Excuse me, sir," Lou asked. "There appears to be a Materia shortage here. Do you know what that's all about?" "Ermmmm...." the elder spoke. "It is true that we have very little Materia in this town," he started slowly, "but we do have one supplier that brings us all the Materia she st...uh... finds." "Well, he was pretty closed-lipped," Jessie said as they left town and headed north again. "I coulda made him spill it," Hairball bragged. "No one likes to have a hairball force its way down their throats." "Hey, we're good guys, OK?" Lou said. "We don't make anyone 'spill it' unless we absolutely have to." The day dragged on. Morning turned to noon. Noon turned to midday. Midday turned to 3:36 PM, Standard Wutai Time. The three walked through a dark forest as they headed north. "I heard there could be a lot of monsters in these forests," Jessie said. "Ulp.... Monsters that eat.... Barf?!" Hairball whined. "Mrrow," Herr Püssy Wüssy meowed. "Well, mostly Lions and Tigers and Bears." "Lions?" Lou asked. "Tigers?!" Hairball whined. "And Bears," Jessie said again. All three held hands and continued walking through the forest. "Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh crap!" the three said over and over. Suddenly, three big fat quarterbacks jumped out of the bushes in front of them. They growled fiercely. "Wha-where-who are you guys?" Jessie said, picking herself up. "I'm from the Lions," the first one said. "I'm from the Tigers," the second said. "An' I'm from.... DA BEARS!" the third said. "Let's tackle 'em!" the Lion said. They all jumped on Lou. "Fumble!" Hairball said, laughing. "Get off him, jocks!" Jessie said, kicking them off. The three quarterbacks ran off into the forest. "Now that's just disturbing," Lou said, picking himself up. "Hey... There's a football in my shirt." Suddenly they heard a war whoop-like yell. A girl landed in front of them. She was about 16, had short, black hair, deep hazel eyes, and carried a big 4-point shuriken and hand some sort of arm shield on her left arm. She apparently didn't believe in covering up everything. She had on a turquoise top and white shorts. There was a suspender-like thing on her left leg, and she wore an army-green bandana. "What now?" Hairball asked. The girl threw her shuriken like a boomerang, and it stuck itself into Hairball. He just pulled it out. "That was a useless gesture," he mumbled. "Gimme all your Materia!" she demanded. "Materia?" Lou asked. "Well, sure.... just make sure you CATCH IT!" he said, tossing the football so hard it hit her in the head and left a big black bruise. She fell over, stunned. They all stood over the character. "Is she dead?" Jessie asked. "I'm not quite dead," the girl huffed. "Mortally wounded?" Lou asked. "I'm getting better," she answered. "Knock it off with the Monty Python, sister." Lou said, helping her up. "Are you OK?" The girl hopped around, grabbing her shuriken as she bounced. "Yo, hat boy! Let's go another round!" "Hat boy?!" Lou huffed. "You have insulted my great-great-great-great-great-great..." Hairball smacked Lou. "...Great-great grandfather's golfing hat! For that, I will NOT accept your challenge. Let's go, guys." "What?!" The girl said. "Hey, you're not... scared of me, are ya?" Lou saw that if he was to be able to continue of his way, he'd have to humor this girl. And yet.... And yet he suddenly began to have this funny feeling inside him, one he'd never felt before. "Oh, I'm petrified," he lied. "Ha! of course! With my power, you'd be wise to be scared!" She started to walk off to the south, when she turned around. "I'm gonna leave! REALLY!" "Hold up, sis." Lou said. "Don't leave just yet." Lou was beginning to realize that he was developing what in those days was called a 'high-school crush'. "What? You, ah, sayin' you want me to come with you?" the girl asked. "What do you guys think?" Lou asked him teammates. "Another person might help some," Jessie said. "Still, this one seems a little flaky." "Ooh, pretty lady!" Hairball said, jumping into the girl's arms. "Ughhh!!!" the girl yelled, throwing Hairball a few feet away. Her shirt had barf stains on it. "Well, I'd say that's a big yes from my friends," Lou said. "Fine!" the girl said. "What're we waiting for?" Lou thought for a second. She might just be duping us into stealing our Materia, he thought. "Yeah, let's go. Come on, guys!" he said. Jessie, Hairball and himself continued along the path in the forest. "Huh? Hey!" the girl yelled. "I haven't even told you my name yet! I'm Yuffie Kisaragi! Nice to meet ya!" She chased along, following them, while secretly thinking to herself; Ha! Just as I planned. Pretty soon I'll have all that Materia to myself! "Huh," Lou said, looking at the compass. "The compass is pointing east now. Perhaps we were supposed to find Yuffie?....." It was a few days before they reached the next town; Larapool, a new harbor off the coast, east of Wutai. It was a quaint little city. The group checked into the local "Holiday Inn" and spent most of the night watching tv or playing poker. "So Yuffie...." Lou said, trying to start a conversation, "you're a ninja, eh?" "Yup," she said. "I'm the best of the best. I'm also a part time Materia Hunt-oops...." "Materia Hunter?" Jessie asked. "Hey, you didn't just join the group to steal our Materia, did you, Yuffie?" "Ermmmm...." Yuffie said, her face beginning to get red. "Well, you never DID tell me what this trip's all about." Lou explained the situation to her. When he was done, he leaned back on the bed. "So, what do you think? You gonna come with us, or just grab our Materia and run?" Yuffie got up and went to the window. She stared out across the harbor. "I knew Aeris," she finally said. "We weren't especially friends, but she did bring some cheerfulness to the group. I think if she wants your help, she deserves your help." "And what about you?" Hairball piped up from the bed. "Is pretty lady staying with us?" "I don't know, Lou...." Jessie warned. "You've heard the saying, 'once a thief, always a thief,' haven't you?" "Indeed," Lou said to himself. What is this feeling?! he wondered. Why do I suddenly feel something towards Yuffie? We only met today, and yet I feel like I've known her for a long time. Yuffie sighed. "No one could risk to trust me completely in the other group. I don't blame 'em.... I ran off with their Materia more than once. Hummm...." She stood up and looked at Lou straight in the eye with such a piercing stare that Lou thought her eyes were going to stick out like knives like in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. "OK, I'll come with you," she said. "But don't expect me to stick my neck out for any of you!" Suddenly, there was a great rumbling outside. "What the...?" Lou asked. They all rushed to the window to see what was happening. Horrible dark creatures were rampaging through the streets, crushing cars and breaking open fire hydrants. "Who....what are they?" Jessie asked. "Shadows," Yuffie said. "I've met up with 'em before. They're spirits of evil men and creatures that have popped up since Sephiroth was stopped. There's more of 'em every month." "Lou, you tell me that Aeris's voice was accompanied by another, didn't you?" Jessie asked. "Perhaps the Shadows now control the spirit world." "Well, are we heroes or aren't we?" Lou asked. "Let's get down there and see if we can stop 'em!" They scrambled down the stairs and outside. It was quite creepy. It looked like a cross between The Black Cauldron, Ghostbusters and Night on Bald Mountain. Glowing skull heads danced through the streets. Slimer-like ghosts ate hot dogs and scared puppies. Pervertgeists were trying on new bras. A charriot stopped right in front of the four travelers. It was pulled by shimmering black tyrannosaurs and its lamps were skulls with candles in them. The curtain pulled back, and out stepped..... The Horned Emperor. His head was a skull with horns, and he carried a scythe. "Well well, children..." he said with a grating laugh. "It appears we finally meet." He had an awful smell on him. It smelled of worms, dirt, and decay. Even Hairball was nauseated. "...Who are you?" Lou asked. "I am one of the great Stilgar's Big Bad Five, the Horned Emperor!" "....And why are you here?" Jessie asked. "Hush up! I'm asking the questions here, missy. Where's the ruby compass, boy?" he asked, his icky breath sending spasms into each person's stomach and back up again. "Man! Have you considered using Tic-Tacs, dude?" Hairball asked. "Silence! Give me the compass, and I'll make sure your deaths are painless. Hand it over, NOW!" "Sorry, Mr.... uh... What did you say your name was?" The emperor was getting very annoyed. "HORNED EMPEROR! HornedEmperorHornedEmperorHornedEmperor!!!!" he yelled, jumping up and down. "We heard you the first time you said it," Lou muttered. "Don't go postal." "HornedEmperorHornedEmperorHornedEmperorHornedEmperor...." the Horned Emperor ranted, stomping so hard the sidewalk was cracking underneath him. "Looks like this guy has Broken Record Syndrome," Yuffie said. She went over to him and smacked him in the head. It swiveled around three times and fell off. "OK, maybe I shouldn't have done that," Yuffie said, her face turning green. "Thanks, I needed that," the you-know-who said as he reattached his head. "Now give me the compass!" "Um, what did you say your name was again?" Hairball asked. The Horned Emperor got very angry. "HORNED EMPEROR!!!!!!" he screeched. "HornedEmperorHornedEmperorHornedEmperor....." "Could someone stop this man yelling 'Horned Emperor?'" Lou said upwards. "What'll that do?" Yuffie asked. An anvil fell out of the sky onto the Horned Emperor. "That," Lou said, grinning. "When you live in a cartoon, you pick up a few things." "Can we please get back to the plot?" Jessie asked. "Yeah!" the Horned Emperor said, pulling the anvil off his head. "Just gimme the compass!" Lou thought for a very long time. "Umm...... no." he finally said. "WHAT?! You DARE taunt the Horned Emperor?! Looks like the only way to solve this is with a battle!" He threw off his cloak and..... "Oh, God," Yuffie said, almost wretching. "Looks like someone forgot to put on their battle armor," one of the H.E's flunkies chortled. "Uh.....Er....." the Horned Emperor started to blush. "Lissen, would you mind not pointing that shriveled old thingy at me?" Lou asked. "It's very uncomfortable." "Silence!" The H.E. said, grabbing his battle armor from the carriage. "I will now battle you!" He spun around for a minute and ended up in his battle armor. "Let's go!" he sneered, pulling out a spear. "All right, I'm game....." Lou paused to feel his lucky Materia. It always made him feel better. Except this time, there wasn't any Materia in the pouch. And Yuffie was nowhere in sight. "Yuffie...." Lou sighed. "And I trusted her, too." "Don't worry, Lou," Hairball said. "You can't steal memories, and I know all my spells. Fire 2!" A flame shot out of his hands and engulfed the Horned Emperor. "Oh yeah? Well, take this! Deathsickle!" H.E. began stabbing his spear at Hairball. Hairball was pretty fast for a blob, and he easily evaded the spear. "I'll handle this," Jessie said, producing her gun. "I have Freezer Bullets." She fired a giant block of ice at the Emperor, who became frozen solid. "OK! Let me have a crack at this!" Lou said, bringing his hammer down upon the ice. It smashed everything. The H.E. howled in pain, and then turned into a small, planted tree with strange markings. "They've defeated the Horned Emperor! Run!" the cronies yelled. The carriage and all the Shadows disappeared into nothing. "What is THIS?" Lou asked, poking the plant. "When a soul has had all its energy drained out of it, it becomes a Lost Soul," Jessie explained. "These souls can only be revived by someone who has the Revive Materia." "And Materia is something we're quite low on right now," Hairball grumbled. "Pretty lady took it all." "That lousy....." Jessie muttered. "Let's find her and get it back!" "Yuffie said that her hometown, Wutai, was short on Materia," Lou suggested. "Perhaps we should go there?" Meanwhile, in a dark castle in the darkest of caves, a zombie guard approached his master. "Master Stilgar," he said, "those kids you foresaw..... They have defeated the Horned Emperor." "Hmm...." Stilgar said, rubbing his beard. "They are stronger than I thought. Send Curaré to deal with them." "Yuffie?...." Godo, the leader of the village asked as he sipped his tea. "No, there is no one named Yuffie in this village." Jessie grabbed him by the shirt collar and yanked him up to her level. "Drop the act, gramps. We know Yuffie's been here. Now our question is where did she go?" Godo started to sweat. Jessie shook him hard. "NOW!!" "Glaaaaaahhhhhh!!!" Godo howled as his eyes whirled around in his head. "She-she went up the mountain behind the village. She still had your Materia." "Good." Jessie released her grip. Godo fell over, his eyes becoming swirls in his head. As they headed up the mountains, Lou turned to Jessie. "I didn't know you could do that," he said. Jessie winked at him. "I float like a butterball, sting like a bee," she said. "I miss pretty lady," Hairball said. "She liked me." "Er.... yeah," Lou said. "I miss her, too." Jessie looked at him hard. "You better not be going gaga on me, Lou," she said. Suddenly, they heard a scream. "That's Yuffie!" Lou exclaimed. He started running towards the screaming and found..... A huge cliff, going down maybe 2 miles. Dangling on a tree root close to the top, a bulging bag strapped to her back, was Yuffie! "Well, well, well....." Lou said, trying to hide his fear. "How did you get down there?" She raised a hand to him. "Help me up, Lou!" she cried. "Why should I?" Lou said coldly. "You ambush us, you steal our Materia, you betray the trust I put in you, and then you expect me to help you up?" "Come on, Lou! I'm beggin' ya!" Yuffie pleaded. "Look, I'll give you all the Materia back, OK? And.... and I'll promise to go on a date with you at a later time! Come on, Lou!" "Why should I trust you again?" Lou asked. "You'll only run off with my Materia again. Do you know my mom gave me those Materia shards for my 10th birthday? That was the last present she ever gave me before she died. They have sentimental value. You might as well just hang there for the rest of your pathetic life." "Come on, Lou!" Yuffie said, doing the 'big-eyed-waif' anime trick that looks really weird. "This isn't your nature!" Suddenly, the root broke. Yuffie started to fall down, down, down into the ravine. Suddenly, she felt something burn her legs. She looked up to see Lou grinning at her. He had lassoed her at the last second with some rough rope. "You were right, you know," Lou said, smiling. "That wasn't my nature. I was just making sure your promise was genuine." Later, after Yuffie was hauled up and they had gone back to their Larapool hotel room, the group sat down to relax a bit. "(Sigh)..... Wutai has all the Materia it needs," Yuffie explained, "but I just can't stop! I'm sort of a kleptomaniac. I'm sorry." Lou put his hand lightly over her shoulder. "Just don't do it again, OK? Lissen, Yuffie. When this trip is over, if we find any more Materia, it's yours. Just keep away from my mom's Materia." "I'm ashamed," she said, putting her face in her hands. "I really wanted to be good after my first trip with Cloud and the others, but I just couldn't stop." "Look, Yuffie...." Jessie said, looking up from her book, Garfield Gets Old. "You can't stop stealing other people's Materia just like Lou can't stop watching old Sailor Moon reruns. It's just what makes you unique. Let it go." "I like pretty lady!" Hairball said, jumping into Yuffie's lap. "You are cute, aren't ya?" Yuffie said, patting Hairball on the head. "How old is he?" "He says he was made in Herr Püssy Wüssy's throat for about 2 months," Lou said. Hairball hopped off, leaving goo and bits of cat food on Yuffie's pants. "Aw, geez." Yuffie muttered. In the morning, they got on a boat to travel to the next continent. "Ahh, I just love the smell of the sea, don't you, Hairball?" Lou asked. "....Hairball?" Hairball had chained himself to the mast of the ship. "If I touch water, I'll fall apart!" he cried. "I thought you said you were a magic hairball that wouldn't fall apart in water." "I meant RAIN water, not WATER water." "Well then, you just stay there," Jessie, who was tanning on the dock, grumbled. "Where's Yuffie?" Lou asked. "My Materia's still here, but Yuffie isn't. How odd." He went to Yuffie's room. There she was, leaning over the potty, barfing her guts out. "Yuffie?" Lou asked. "You OK?" "Ughhhh...." Yuffie groaned, wiping the leftover puke off her lips with her sleeve. "I get seasick easily...." "Hmmm...." Lou said, feeling around in his backpack. "I have some 'motion sickness syrup,' would that do?" Yuffie sipped the red liquid. The green on her face seemed to fade a bit. "Thanks, Lou," she said, smiling weakly. With her arm over Lou's shoulder, they wobbled onto the deck where Lou eased her onto a folding chair. "You'll feel better when you get some air in your lungs," he said. "Thanks," she said, and fell asleep. Lou sat down next to her and stared out over the ocean. "You..... like her, don't you, Lou?" Jessie asked. "Well........" Lou said, beginning to blush, "she does seem to appeal to me." "Let me guess," Jessie said, taking off her sunglasses. "Yuffie is loud, selfish and athletic. You're quiet, thoughtful and pudgy. Opposites attract, right?" "Hey, you think I'm attractive, don't you, Jessie?" "Well, yeah, but..." "...And you're prettier than Yuffie." "Uh huh..... So?" "I'm just saying that I've more to get by on than just brains and respect." "Ah-hah." The ship finally pulled ashore in Beigis, a town north of Midgar. "Boy, we traveled a long way, didn't we?" Jessie asked. "Hairball loves dry land!" Hairball said, running off the boat and hugging a tree. "Mee, too.... Ughhh," Yuffie moaned, leaning heavily on Lou. "Just go rest over by that tree, Yuffie," Lou said, pointing her in the direction where Hairball was dancing around. "So, where to next?" Jessie asked Lou after Yuffie limped off. Lou pulled out his compass. "It says we go southeast," he stated. "This 'spirit realm' must be around here somewhere." And so they set out southeast, past Midgar and down into the dark forests. "This's creepy...." Hairball whined. "Like the place where we found pretty lady." "Will you stop calling me that?!" Yuffie barked. "But I like pretty lady!" Hairball said, hopping onto her back, leaving goo all over her shirt. "Geez! Lou, get this lousy piece of crap offa me!" "Hairball, get down," Lou said. "Yuffie doesn't like that." Hairball looked sad and whimpered a bit. "Yuffie, you're absolutely heartless," Jessie said. "C'mon, Hairball. You can get on my shoulder." "Yay!" Hairball said, hopping onto Jessie's shoulder. "Hey....." Lou said suddenly, "what's that?" The group had arrived in front of a large castle. It was in a state of disrepair. Its once-proud stone walls crumbled, and its wooden bridge sagged. "I don't know what it is, but the compass is pointing right towards it," Jessie said, looking over Lou's shoulder. "I don't wanna go in there!" Yuffie cried. "It looks scary!" "Come on, Yuffie," Lou said. "We're all going in. No one's gonna be alone." "I'm staying right here!" Yuffie said, sitting down in the middle of the road. "OK, stay there," Jessie said. "We're going in." Lou, Hairball and Jessie headed into the mansion. Yuffie looked around. It was getting dark, and the night noises here were somewhat spooky. She jumped at the sound of a howling wolf. "H-hey guys!!" Yuffie yelled, taking off in the direction of the castle. "Wait up! I was only kidding! A joke! You know, a ha-ha joke!" The inside of the castle was musty, and filthy as well. Old suits of armor and weapons lay scattered around the many halls. Many of the walls had holes so big that one could see for miles through them. "This's even creepier than the forest," Hairball said, hopping off Jessie's shoulder and bouncing around on the floor. "Yeah, this has to be the entrance to the 'spirit world.'" Jessie said. "You gotta wonder..." Lou said, and then he stopped short. In front of them was a giant-sized knight. He wore gray armor and carried a sword and shield. He had a medium-sized curly moustache, and he look shiny. "(Gulp!)" Yuffie gulped. "I think he owns this place," Jessie whispered. The knight hadn't seemed to notice them until this was said. He looked down at them with big, dark eyes. "Sir Yueh," he said in a deep rumbling voice. "I am a robotic knight set to guard castle from intruders." "....You mean folks like us?" Lou asked. Yueh didn't seem to hear. He motioned for them to follow him, and they did. He came to an open garden in the center of the castle. All around, like tiny saplings, were Lost Soul trees. "I... is this what you protect?" Jessie asked. Yueh said nothing. The four wandered around the garden, looking at all the Souls. At the base of one, Hairball noticed something shiny. "Look! Materia!" he said to the others. Yuffie ran over to look at it. "Hmm.... Ahh.... Yes, hmm...." she hemmed and hawed. "Yuffie looks like she's appraising it," Lou said. "I bet she's deciding if it's worth stealing," Jessie huffed. "This is an 'Ifrit' Materia," Yuffie finally announced. She walked forward and placed it in Jessie's hand. "I give it to you as a gesture of good faith," she said. Jessie frowned, but took the Materia anyway. Yueh had come up behind them, and towered above Yuffie. She looked up and backed away. "Wh-what do you want?" she stammered. ".....The flower," Yueh said. Yuffie looked where she had stood, and there stood a crushed flower. "I....I'm sorry," she said quietly. Yueh bent down and used his sword to fix the little bud's posture. "Maybe we should get going now...." Jessie said with a bit of a nervous laugh. "No," Yueh said. "Please stay for the night." And so they stayed. Hairball lit a fire and they all sat around it. "So, you guard this castle all by yourself?" Lou asked Yueh. "That is kind of lonely." "Yes," Yueh droned. "Many people come to explore, but when I try to say hello, they run away." "Well, I'd run too if a 10-foot mechanical knight was trying to talk to me," Yuffie said, rubbing her arms with her hands to stay warm. "Brrr! It's freezing here!" "I must stay here for a long time," Yueh continued. "Until the ones with the magic powers of many come." "I wonder who they could be," Jessie said. "Now," Yueh said, getting up. "Yueh must make rounds. Get some rest." Yueh walked off into the castle's darkness. "What a sad fellow," Yuffie said. "Yuffie," Lou started. "Do you have any family besides your father?" "Well," Yuffie said, staring off into the blackness. "My mother left when I was very young. She was a Materia Hunter, like myself. I never saw her again. My older brother lives somewhere. He was a kind and righteous man and was ashamed at the way I had turned out and went into hiding. Somewhere out there, my brother is.... I want to find him as much as I want to find more Materia." "Sounds like your brother's the black sheep of the family," Jessie said. "He didn't like to steal, so he left." "He'd probably be about 23," Yuffie continued. "And he looks just like me." "Must be a family trait," Hairball said. "Anyone want any marshmallows?" He reached inside himself and pulled out a wad of gooey, puke-covered marshmallows. "I'll...... pass," Jessie said, waving her hand. "Mblggg.... No thanks, Hairball," Yuffie moaned, her face becoming as green as her shirt. "So that's where my marshmallow collection went!" Lou exclaimed. "Herr Püssy Wüssy, I TOLD you not to eat those!" "Mrrrrow," the cat said. In the morning, they paused to say goodbye to Yueh. "Say, Yueh....." Jessie began. "How'd you like to come with us?" "Hmmm?" Yueh asked. "Being so big, you could really lend a hand in protecting us," Yuffie said. "Protect..... As in fighting?" Yueh said, frowning. "Ermmm, yes." "No," Yueh said, shaking his head. "Fighting is wrong." "I thought it would help," Yuffie said as they continued out of the forest. Suddenly, they saw a tribe of Thiefers running in the direction they had just came. "I wonder what that was all about," Lou said. Suddenly, he tripped over a sleeping Thiefer. It woke with a start. "What? Where? Who?" it said, hopping up. "Oh no! I overslept!" "What's up?" Yuffie asked. "Aw man, we were gonna raid the big stone castle in the forest for master Stilgar, but I had to go and sleep in!" "Castle?" Jessie asked. "Yueh's in trouble!" Hairball said. "Hey....." the Thiefer said. "You're the guys that deep-sixed the Horned Emperor, aren't you?" "Er, yes," Lou said. "Perfect! The boss won't remember my oversleeping when I turn you guys into him!" "Oh, no. We aren't going anywhere!" Lou said. "Right, Hairball?!" "Right, Lou!" "Right, Jessie?" "Yeah!" "Right, Yuffie?....... Yuffie?" He looked around. "Oh, not again." The thiefer charged towards them. Now, theifers are pretty strong, and they don't stop battling until the opponent is either dead or surrendering. "Yuffie, you bastard," Jessie cursed. "Pretty lady ran off again?" Hairball asked. "Odd," Lou said, feeling in his pocket. "My Materia's still here. Either she didn't run off or she kept her promise not to take my-" Suddenly, there was a war-whoop. Yuffie leaped down from a tree and slashed the Thiefer across the throat. He gargled and reverted to a Lost Soul tree. "Yuffie!" Lou exclaimed. "So you DIDN'T desert us!" "Not that time anyway," Yuffie said, blushing. "Come on! Yueh's in danger! We must go back!" Jessie said. They all ran back towards the forest. Yueh was busy tending the flowers in the Lost Soul field when he heard the roaring of the Thiefers. He turned around to see them ripping the Lost Souls out of the ground. "What do you want?" he asked in his deep, rumbling voice. The Thiefer captain leered at Yueh. "We're taking these souls back to Stilgar, so that he can make them into new troops. Stand aside!" "No," Yueh said, shaking his head. "You must leave." "Attack!" the captain yelled. Five Thiefers hopped on Yueh and started to hit him. No effect. "Fighting is wrong," Yueh said. "Stand aside. I'll take him!" the captain said. He pulled out a gun and fired an electric pulse. Yueh fell over, stunned. They quickly tied him up and continued looting. "Hey!" Lou yelled. "Leave those alone!" The Thiefers looked up and saw the four heroes. "Yueh's with us," Jessie growled. "So get moving!" "You dare oppose Master Stilgar's troops?" the captain roared. "Attack!" The Thiefers started to attack the fearless four. Yuffie started defending with her shuriken. Lou used his hammer to deflect the knife blows. Hairball was spitting sludge on the ones that were attacking him, and Jessie was stunning Thiefers with her ray gun. The Thiefers continued to attack, and one by one, the heroes fell. Yueh watched all this. "No....." he groaned. Suddenly, his eyes glowed bright red, and with a great roar, he broke free of his bonds. The Thiefer captain turned to him. "You, my friend, are resisting...." he started. He never finished his sentence. With a giant roar, Yueh pulled out his sword and shield and sliced the captain in half. All that remained was a Lost Soul tree. "He got the captain! RUN!!!" the other Thiefers said, and started to run. Yueh didn't let one escape. His humongous sword whirled around like a winter wind. Lost Soul trees appeared all over. He suddenly stopped, and his eyes changed back to their regular state. He shook his head as if he had just woken up. "Huh?..... What happened?" Yueh asked Lou, who, along with the others, had got up. "Where are the Thiefers?" "They're gone, Yueh...." Lou said. "You made 'em Lost Souls." Yueh slumped to his knees and looked down at the ground. "I have done a terrible thing," he droned. "A terrible, terrible thing." "Yueh......" Jessie said, coming up to him and putting her hand on his massive metal arm, "when we save Aeris, hopefully the killing and fighting will end. Won't you please come with us?...." Yueh stared hard at Jessie, almost as if he was staring right into her heart. He solemnly nodded. "Yueh will go," he said. "That's great!" Yuffie said. "I'm Yuffie." "My name's Jessie," Jessie said. "Lou's the name," Lou said. "Hairball!" Hairball chirped. "My name.... Is Sir Yueh," Yueh said, holding out his hand. All four of them shook it, each one holding a finger. Four days later, the group arrived at Junon, a docking town. "Wow, it sure is a cool town, this is...." Hairball said, bouncing around. "Yeah, and since the Shinra took down the city above, the water's been a lot cleaner," Yuffie added. They checked into the 'Holiday Inn' and sat in the dining hall, deciding their next move. "The compass is pointing west. Looks like we'll have to take a boat to Costa Del Sol," Lou said. "What d'you guys think? Guys?" No one was listening. They were all stuffing their faces with the all-you-can-eat buffet. "Huh? Oh, that's a great idea, Lou," Yuffie said, looking up from her crispy chicken leg. "Sounds good to me," Jessie said after she gulped down the last of her Sprite. "Yueh wants to see the world," Yueh said as he took a big bite of a steak. "Now, the question is....." Lou said, pulling out a map, "how to get there. We could go be boat, which would include seasickness for Yuffie, Hairball clinging to the mast again, and Yueh almost sinking the boat because he's so heavy. We might be able to find an airplane ride, but they're pretty scarce on this continent." "Excuse me," the waiter said as he came to their table. "Mr. Degobah, may I speak with you?" Lou stood up. "Sure." They stood in the center of the room. The waiter turned on an intercom that connected the entire city. "I'm sorry to tell you this, Mr. Degobah, who resides in Normoon, age 16, friend to Jessie, Hairball, Yueh and Yuffie; Mr. Degobah, who had a giant mole on his tush for 5 years, and doesn't put the toilet seat down.... Your credit card, Mr. Degobah, who has a crush on-" "Hold on," Lou said. "I didn't pay with a credit card. I gave you cash." The waiter looked at his chart. "Oops. Sorry, Mr. Degobah. My mistake." Lou sighed with relief. The waiter cleared his throat and continued speaking. "Oh, by the way, if you're looking for an airplane ride to Costa Del Sol, there's a quaint little plane shop called the Rusty Nail. I'm sure the owner could take you across. He's an eccentric young scientist, but quite likeable." Lou returned to the table and wiped the sweat off his brow. "Close call," Yueh mumbled. "Almost told who your secret crush was." "So THAT's who kept leaving the seat up!" Jessie said. Lou groaned. "I'm just going to bed. I'll explain our next move in the morning." It was a long night. Lou was kept awake by Yuffie's constant snoring. Jessie talked in her sleep. Hairball farted all night. Only Yueh was quiet, and in the morning when he yawned, it was the equivalent of a magnitude 2 quake in the room. "C'mon, Yuffie. Get up," Jessie muttered, pulling at the Materia Hunter's arms. "Mbllll... Just 5 more minutes, ma...." she mumbled. "Just....5....more....(SNORT)....." "I swear," Lou said. "You guys make so much noise I thought the world was ending!" "It stinks in here!" Hairball complained. "Smells like someone was farting all night." "I won't even dignify that with a response," Lou grumbled. And so, once Yuffie woke up, the went down to the Rusty Nail to have a look. They walked into the store, which appeared to be empty. "....Hello?" Lou called. He was answered with a curse from the back room. They went inside to see what was the matter. A 20-year old man who hadn't shaved in about 2 days stood there, scowling at an engine. He had dark green hair and wore spectacles. He looked up when the door opened. "Huh? Oh, hi there! Can I help you guys?" he asked. "Uh, yeah," Jessie said, stepping forward. "We need an airplane ride to Costa Del Sol." "Well, I can see what I can do for you, miss. Ah....." he started to blush. "By the way, Warren's the name. You caught me fixin' a plane engine that's as stubborn as a mule!" "Good grief, what a fruitcake," Yuffie said, rolling her eyes. "Mind your manners, Yuffie," Yueh said. Warren went behind the counter and started clicking away on his laptop. Lou sat down on the other side. "So, Warren. You do many things?" he asked. "Oh, yeah! I do a lot more things than just fix planes. I invent machines, weapons, you name it! I even can build an airship when I have the right parts! My mentor was the great Cid Highwind." "Cid Highwind?" Yuffie asked. "Hey, I know him. We went on a trip together." "So, you're that kid he calls 'ninja b----?' Well, you certainly appear nicer than how he described you." "He called me a WHAT?!" Yuffie roared. "Geez! And I thought he was a nice guy!" "Relax, relax, pretty lady!" Hairball said, jumping into her arms again. She threw him against the wall and glared in disgust at the barf stains on her shirt. "Well....." Warren said, looking over his computer figures. "Most of my planes are out on rent right now, but I do have one plane avaliable." "And what is that?" Jessie asked. "The Rusty Bucket. Named it myself. Can go from zero to point five in under 3 minutes." "Lovely," Lou muttered sarcastically. "But is it able to fly over oceans?" "Oh, yeah," Warren said, grinning. "...If you don't mind swimming the other half of the way." "Water?!" Hairball yelped, leaping into Yuffie's lap again. "Hairball hates water!" "Yeah, I can tell," Warren said, pulling out a lollipop and sucking on it thoughtfully. "Well, I suppose I could get the Rusty Bucket fixed up with a little help." "Whatever it takes to get to the next continent," Lou said, shrugging. "Dammit, Lou, why'd you hafta go and volunteer us all?!" Jessie said as she spilled more paint onto her smock. "Sorry, Jessie," Lou said, blushing. "I just thought that if we get the plane fixed, the sooner we find Aeris, and the sooner we can all go home-" He stopped on the last word because something had landed on his back. He looked around to see Yuffie clinging to his back with a screwy smile and half-closed eyes. "Hey, hey, hey, Lou-man! Whazzup?" she slurred. "What in the-" Lou asked. Then he looked at the paint can label. "Warren! Why didn't you say this stuff had hallucinogens in it?!" "I thought that ignorance was bliss," Warren said as he shrugged. He went back to repairing the motor. "Hi....." Yuffie said, wobbling around unsteadily. "Whazyourname? My aunt's name is Ethel and my little red tugboat yum yum long johns are filled with cheese garden hose tea is dancin' with a six-legged octopus in February on a dead cow tout sweet....." She passed out. "Aw, geez," Jessie mumbled. "Now we have to deal with her." "Just let her sleep it off," Warren instructed. Lou picked Yuffie up and started to carry her inside to a bed. "You just love doing that, don't you?" Jessie remarked when he came back outside. "Doing what?" Lou asked, trying to hide his crimson face. "Don't ask questions like that, Jessie," Yueh said as he adjusted the left wing. "It puts Lou in embarrasing situations." "I just don't feel good 'bout that girl, Yuffie," Jessie said, frowning. "She's a sneaky one, she is." Loud snoring started coming from the house. "Noisy, too," Hairball said. Five hours later, the Rusty Bucket was all fixed up. "Alright! We're all set for takeoff!" Warren cheered. "This should at least get us across the ocean to Costa Del Sol." "Yuffie gets motion sickness quite easily," Lou said. "Let's try to ease her into a passenger seat without waking her up." Easier said than done. Yuffie was pretty heavy for a girl her size. It took all five of them to haul her into a seat and buckle her in. "(SNARRRK).....hot dog bun......Royal Flush beats a Full House.....(SNORRRRRT)" Yuffie mumbled as her head rolled back and forth along the back of the seat. "OK! Let's get this baby off the ground," Warren said. The Rusty Bucket sputtered a few times, then took off across the water. "We're airborne!" Jessie said happily. "I don't like water!" Hairball screamed. He hopped on Yuffie's lap, but she didn't throw him off because she was still asleep. "(SNRRRRRKKKKK).....devil bunnies......." she snorted. "Yueh hates water, too," Yueh said, sweat appearing on his metal helmet. "Well, of course," Warren said. "With a body like yours, you'd sink like a stone. Yes, siree, sink like a......" "Careful, Warren," Jessie said. "He gets a bit.... grumpy." The flight was uneventful, until they were about halfway across the ocean. "That's funny," Lou said, looking at the flight screen. "There's a large blip behind us." "I know why," Jessie said, looking out the back. "There's something following us!" Everyone looked around to see a winged girl with horns and a devil's tail flying behind them, and rapidly catching up. "What the heck?!" Hairball asked. "Must be one of that Stilgar guy's baddies," Lou said. "Battle stations! Yuffie, wake up!" He shook Yuffie on the shoulder. She suddenly woke with a start. "ZOMBIE BANANAS!!" she yelled so loud that Warren lost control of the plane for a second. "I.... uh.... er..... What's up?" "That," Lou said, pointing out the window. Yuffie gave a surprised yelp and looked back at him. "Come on!" Warren said, opening the sun roof. "The wings are flat, so we can battle on that. Hairball, steer the plane." Lou, Yuffie, Jessie and Warren hopped out onto the wings, two apiece. The demon could be seen clearly now. "I am Curaré, one of Master Stilgar's Big Bad Five!" she shouted. "WHAT?" Lou yelled back. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU! THE ENGINE'S MAKING TOO MUCH NOISE!" "Hey, boy!" Curaré yelled back. "You're engine's making too much noise! What did you say?!" "WHAT?" Lou yelled again. "I SAID YOU'RE ENGINE'S MAKING TOO MUCH NOISE!!!" "WHAT?!" Lou, Yuffie, Jessie and Warren all shouted. Curaré flew ahead and slammed shut the hood of the plane. The engine's roar quieted. "Now then," Curaré huffed, "what did you say?" "We said 'our engine's making too much noise'," Jessie said. "What were you saying?" "Ahem.... I am CURARÉ, one of Stilgar's Big Bad Five!" Curaré said, beating her chest like a gorilla. "AHHHHHEAAHHHHHEAHHHHH!!!!!...... Ow." "Uh, huh," Yuffie said, waving her hand. "Your point?" "Ermmm, uhhh, Master Stilgar is very unhappy with you brats. He has ordered me to take care of you!" "Oh, yeah? Well, just try it!" Warren said, strapping on a rather curious device. "What's that?" asked Yuffie. "Super Drencher XB 100,000," Warren said. "This baby pumps out water so fiercely it can cut through steel." "Stop blabbing and let's fight!" Curaré yelled. She flew towards them and slashed away with her claws. "Ow! My arm!" Lou yelled. "Arggh! My leg!" Jessie hollared. "Gyaahhhhh! My whoo-hoos!" Yuffie cried, clutching at her chest. "Ick," Warren said, sticking out his tongue. "Come on!" Curaré said, hovering in front of the plane. "'Zat the best you can do? Or is you gonna run home to mommy?" "Not in a million years, demon-bimb," Warren said, firing his Super Drencher. The water fired out so fiercely that it cut off half of Curaré's left wing. Black blood splattered all over his glasses. "Maybe I shouldn't have done that," he said, spitting out the blood that had landed in his mouth. "I'll help, too," Yuffie said, pulling out her shuriken. "My limit just broke. GREASED LIGHTNING!" She slashed with her shuriken across Curaré's chest. More black goo spraying everywhere. "Gyaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!" Curaré yelled in pain. "Now for our Double Team Technique!" Lou said to Jessie. He picked her up, and whirled her around in a ballet twirl. She set her gun to turbo and started firing bullets everywhere. 50% of them hit Curaré. She staggered, screamed, turned into a Lost Soul tree, and fell into the ocean. "All right!" they all cheered. Again, the goofy victory music came on, and everyone felt the urge to do a victory pose. "That was close," Warren said, hopping back into the cockpit to resume flying the plane. "Yeah!" Yuffie said, winking at Lou. "That was so fun, I forgot that I'm.....motion....sick....oh, no....." Yuffie puked all over the side of the plane. "............ It gives character to the plane," Lou said, smiling. "Come on, Yuffie, Jessie." They all hopped back into the plane and continued the flight. It was another 5 hours before they reached Costa Del Sol. When they got off, they all collapsed onto the beach. "Oh, man, I am totally bushed," Warren said. "Flying that plane for 10 hours straight really took it out of me." "I'm taking a nap," Jessie said, and fell back on her stomach and was mumbling in her sleep within the minute. "That looks like a good idea," Lou said, and leaned back and closed his eyes. "Hairball sleep too!" Hairball said, and lay down. "Yueh wants to go for a walk," Yueh said. "Awright, big guy," Warren said. "Let's go for a stroll and take a look at pretty girls. How 'bout you, Yuffie? You gonna stay or...." Yuffie was face up on the sand, snoring away already. "Ask a silly question...." Warren said. He and Yueh headed off down the beach. But as soon as they left, Yuffie's eyes opened very slightly. "(Yawn).... That was a nice nap," Jessie said as she sat up. "How was it for... HEY!!!!" She jumped up and looked at her gun. The 'Ifrit' Materia they had found at Yueh's castle was gone. "Wake up, Lou! Wake up, Hairball!" she yelled, shaking them. "Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel," Lou mumbled as he sat up. "Hairball says to 'Take a Bite out of Grime,'" Hairball grumbled as he sat up. "My Materia's gone!" Jessie wailed. "And what a surprise," Warren said as Yueh and he came back from their walk. "So's Yuffie. She's nowhere on the beach." "Hey! My lucky Materia's gone, too!" Lou said as he felt around in his pack. "She promised not to take that....." "That dirty little......" Jessie growled. "I'm gonna pound her face in so far she'll look like someone rubbed her face with 10 lemons!" "Yuffie has her reasons for stealing," Yueh said calmly. "It is good for Wutai, or so she thinks." "Let's go get 'er!" Warren said. The five of them ran off into town. "Now, if I were Yuffie," Lou said to himself, "why would I do this now?..... I got it! She's gonna hide in the Corel Mountains!" "How do you know that?" Hairball asked. Lou pointed at the ominous mountains looming in the distance. "Well, I'd suppose that would be a big tip-off," Warren said. "Let's go!" It was a three-day march to the base of the mountain. "That was a lot farther than it looked," Jessie panted. "Yueh's legs are rusting," Yueh groaned. "Oil can, oil can....." "Good thing I swiped one from that red-shoed chick we saw in the woods we passed through yesterday," Hairball said. He squirted some oin into Yueh's joints, and Yueh sighed with relief. "Ahhhhhhh......" Yueh sighed, getting a goofy smile. "Hey, hey, hey," Warren said, frowning. "Let's move on before we lose the 'Teen' rating." They started climbing the immense mountain. Hairball was pretty sticky, so he bounded up the mountain like it was nothing. The others, however, had some trouble. "Aighhh," Jessie moaned, pausing to take a breath. "I knew I should have taken climbing lessons instead of tennis lessons....AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!" Her hold broke, and she started to fall. "Jessie!" Lou cried. "Yueh!" he said to Yueh. Yueh nodded, and shot a rocket hand out of his arm. It zipped down, grabbed Jessie, and brought her back up. "Ohhhh....." Jessie said, her eyes rolling around in her head. "Thanks, Yueh...." "No problem," Yueh said, smiling. They finally reached the summit. Lou peered over the top to look around. There was Yuffie, just a few feet away, juggling their three pieces of Materia and laughing. "Ha! What suckers! They're so lame!" she said as she chuckled. "I don't believe they fell for it so easily!" Lou jumped up and confronted Yuffie. "That's because we trusted you! Don't you understand, Yuffie? You're our friend!" "Friend? Don't make me laugh!" Yuffie said, grinning nastily. "Hasta Lavista, baby!" She took off down the hill. Lou and the others started to follow, but suddenly, they all were electrocuted by an unknown force. Yuffie turned around when they screamed. A yellow force-field had caught the five travelers and was restraining them from moving. "Yuffie....you....twip....." Jessie strained. "You....tricked...us!" "The force field is short-circuiting Yueh!" Warren said. Yueh slumped to the ground and didn't move. "Why did you do this, pretty lady?" Hairball asked angrily. "I didn't rig the force field!" Yuffie said. "Only a coward would do that." "Are you saying I'm a coward?" a voice behind them said. They all turnrd around to see 5 human-shaped blobs oozing towards them. "Oh, great," Lou said. "Those are Pudding Troops! They're the worst!" "Ah, I see you have heard of us, human..." Captain Pudding clucked. "Well, well, well.... Looks like we missed one," he said, pointing at Yuffie. "Get her!" Yuffie squeaked and started to run. Jessie scowled at her and yelled after her "I hope your conscience eats you alive, you Wutai bimbo!" Yuffie ran and ran and ran until she couldn't run anymore. She paused to rest by a tree. She sat down and sighed. "What if the Puddings kill them....?" she wondered. She then shook her head. "Forget it, girl. You've got their Materia! Leave 'em!" But that small, nagging voice persisted. "What about Lou, Yuffie? What about Lou?" "What about him?" Yuffie's own voice countered. "But he's been so good to you! He helped you through your seasickness, he put you to bed when you got high off the paint, not to mention that he saved your miserable life the last time you stole their Materia." "But....." Yuffie started. "No buts! Don't you get it, knucklehead? Lou LIKES you! I don't just mean 'like.' I mean, he's done so much for you, but what have you done for HIM? You've swiped his Materia twice! He deserves a medal for puttin' up with the likes of a creep like you! Don't you feel anything towards him?" Yuffie paused to think. "Well, he's polite....." "Polite?! That isn't even the half of it, doofus! He's energetic, your age, he doesn't swear and he's not some brainless jock like most guys his age! You promised him a date, remember? If he's not alive, you wouldn't be able to complete that promise and....." All right, ALL RIGHT!!!" Yuffie yelled. Some travelers looked in bewilderment at this girl who was shouting at herself. "All right, you've made your point. So I have a crush on him. I'll go save 'em...... This time." "Uh-huh," the voice said, "riiiiiight." It abruptly shut up before Yuffie could backlash. The Puddings had tied Lou and his friends up by now. The captain smiled to himself. "If I pull this off, I'll be able to get promoted into the Big Bad Five," he chuckled gleefully. "Let's begin executing them! Send the boy up first." A Pudding picked Lou up and marched him to the edge of the cliff. "Any last words?" the captain asked. "You only get three." Lou thought for a bit. "Time's up!" Captain Pudding said. "Toss him." "Wait a second!" Lou said. "I didn't-" "Ah-ah-ahhh! That was five words! You're over your limit. Drop him!" The Pudding threw Lou off the cliff. "This is the end...." Lou thought to himself. "I never even got to tell Yuffie I-" He suddenly felt a nasty burn in his legs. He looked up and saw that a rope had been lassoed to his legs. He looked to see who was holding it, and it was.... "Yuffie!" he called. "Hold on!" Yuffie yelled back. "I'm pulling you up!" "What's she doing here?!" everyone said at once. "Get her!" Captain Pudding yelled. "I don't think so, mr. gunky!" Yuffie taunted. "BLOODFEST!" She threw her shuriken like a boomerang, knocking all the Puddings and turning them into Lost Soul trees. Only Captain Pudding remained. "Fine then," he said. "You and me, girl." They both charged. Yuffie slashed away with her shuriken, and Captain Pudding oozed his way around each attack. He melded his hand into a cannon and started firing goo bullets. Yuffie used her shield to block most of them, but she was quickly being pushed backwards by the rain of goo. "Be careful, Yuffie!" Lou called as he climbed up the cliff. Captain Pudding jumped on Yuffie and slimed himself all over her. "Now I'll suffocate you!" he announced. Yuffie started to choke, and she fell to her knees. "No, Yuffie!" Hairball cried. "Think of something, Yuffie!" Lou called as he hoisted himself up onto stable ground again. And she did. She reached into her sack and pulled out a piece of Materia. "Ifrit, I choose you!" she said, throwing the Materia. It opened with a large flash, and Ifrit shot out, roaring. "Ifrit, use your....(urk) Hellfire attack!" Yuffie commanded. Ifrit turned into a large ball of fire and slashed straight through Captain Pudding, knocking him off Yuffie and onto the ground. "Grr...... I'm not through yet!" Captain Pudding said, staggering towards Yuffie. "You are. Trust me," Yuffie said, using her right hand to push him over the cliff. "AAAAAaaaaaaaahhhhhhh......" the scream went. And then, a sickening SPLAT. "Whew....." Yuffie said, wiping her brow. "Yuffie! You came back!" Warren said, breaking the ropes that tied him to Jessie, Yueh and Hairball. "Pretty lady's back! Pretty lady's back!" Hairball cheered, hopping up and down. "Mrow," Herr Püssy Wüssy meowed, rubbing affectionately against Yuffie's leg. Yuffie turned to face Lou, who was brushing the dirt off his shirt. "Lou....." she started. "...................................I'm sorry, Lou. I won't do it again." "You PROMISE?" Jessie said, grabbing Yuffie by the shirt collar and shaking her. "Yeah, yeah! I promise! C'mon, stop shaking me!" Yuffie stammered. "Good," Jessie said. She then snatched the Ifrit Materia out of Yuffie's hands. "And I believe this is mine." Yuffie reached into her pack. She pulled out two other Materia shards. "Here, Lou," she said, placing them in his hand. "Here's your lucky Materia." Lou put his hand on her shoulder and smiled warmly. "You fought good out there," he said. "Seems that I misjudged how strong you are." "Awww," Yuffie said, trying to hide her blushing face. "It was nothin'." "Really?" Jessie said. "Yeah, it was nothing, really." "OK, it was nothing." "Wha?" "Come on, let's go." "But....." "Hey, shut up. You said it was nothing!" "Yueh is glad Yuffie is safe," Yueh said, smiling. "Pretty lady! Pretty lady!" Hairball said, hopping into her lap again. "...Some things never change," Yuffie said as she wiped off the barf stains. The group spent the night in Corel. The city had been rebuilt quite nicely, and it had a quaint little Days Inn. Cable, pool, and vending machines. A true couch potato's paradise. "(Burp)..... Yo, Jessie, hand me the Cheetos, will ya?" Warren asked. "'Zat all you think about, Warren?" Jessie asked, handing him the XXXXL bag of orange crunchables. "Food?" "I can afford to," Warren said, pulling out a small tin. "One of these pills will prevent heart attacks and disease for the rest of your life. I made 'em myself. Here, have one." Jessie popped the pill into her mouth and swallowed. After a minute or so, she looked at him again. "Hand me the lard-covered popcorn, will ya, Warren?" Out by the pool, Lou and Yuffie sat in lawn chairs side by side. "So you're stealing Materia from innocent travelers for the good of your hometown, eh?" Lou asked. "Wutai is a very poor town, Lou...." Yuffie explained as she stretched. "Without a Mako reactor, we couldn't make out own, and...." "Yuffie, have you been to Wutai lately?" Lou asked. "Well, I've been gone about a year....." "Yuffie, the place has moved up in the world," Lou continued. "They have almost everything now, including a source of Materia! There's no longer any need for you to continue your Materia hunts." Yuffie paused to think. "I guess you're right," she finally said. "I just kept stealing because I didn't want to upset my father." "Your dad's in great shape," Lou said. "He's running the bloomin' Materia store." Yuffie's mouth dropped open. "And he didn't even think to write!...." she said to herself. "Well, that's a load off my chest. Now perhaps I can settle down." They both were quiet for about 5 minutes. Finally, Yuffie spoke. "D'you ever wonder why humans have emotions, Lou? Like anger, and irritation, and love?" "I haven't given it much thought," Lou said. "Hmm......" Yuffie said, and stared up at the night sky. "So many stars. If they say that two people's stars are joined, what do you suppose that means?" "Yuffie....." Lou said. "Just because you aren't a Materia Hunter anymore doesn't mean you have to get all mushy on me." "Yeah..... I'm sorry, Lou. You've been so nice to me, and what do I do? I swipe your Materia.... twice. What kind of a relationship is that?" Lou leaned over, close to her ear. "It's a relationship that needs some time to grow," he said. "Well, I'm going inside. You coming?" "I'll stay out here a bit longer," Yuffie said, leaning back in the chair. The desert night was pretty in a weird sort of way. "OK, see you in a bit," Lou said, walking back into the hotel. Yuffie sighed and stared into the pool. The lights along the path gave it a shimmering presence. "Man," she said quietly. "Yufster, if you can't admit it to him, at least admit it to yourself!...." Another night passed. More night noises came in. "(SNORE)" went Yuffie. "mmmmbl mmmbl I wanna ride the pony....." went Jessie. "(Pbthhhhh)" went Hairball. It turned out that Warren hummed in his sleep. Lou had to endure 12 rounds of "She'll Be Comin' Round the Mountain" before he quieted down. He finally couldn't take it anymore. He got up, picked his way over those sleeping on the floor, and fiddled through his bag. After checking his compass (it pointed southwest) and moving his hammer aside, he found his treasured, precious.... ....bagpipe set. He hopped onto his bed and started to play an old Irish jig he never learned the words to. Everyone woke with a start. "Lou, put that away!" Hairball cried. "Yeah, Lou. Some of us are tryin' ta sleep!" Jessie groaned. "Yueh likes bagpipes," Yueh said. Lou sighed. Life was just unfair. In the morning, everyone packed their things and they set off for the desert. "Aw, man, why do we have to go to the desert?" Yuffie groaned. "Beacause the compass says so," Lou said, handing Yuffie the compass. "It does not!" Yuffie whined. "Look! All it says is SW." The compass markings changed into words almost instantly. Yuffie read them aloud. "It says 'yes, Yuffie, I mean the desert. Quit complaining and get your rear in gear. Hugs n' kisses, Aeris.' Now that's just creepy." They finally reached the desert beneath the Gold Saucer theme park. "The compass points straight to the heart of the desert, guys...." Lou said. "We'd better get a lot of water. Hairball?" Hairball pointed at a patch of sand. "ICE 2!" he said. A giant iceberg appeared, and each member chipped off bits of it to put in their canteens. The desert was just a smooth road pointing off in all directions. Along the way, Lou and his friends got into a few tussles with Sandworms, but with Lou's hammer and Hairball's Ice attacks, they got through quite nicely. For 6 hours they walked, until they came to what seemed to be a campsite. "Thank God!" Jessie said. "Let's go in and ask if we can rest in their tents!" "Careful, Jessie," Yueh said. "May be one of Stilgar's tricks." Lou peered into one tent cautiously. "Uh, hello? Anyone here?" he asked. "Hold on, I'm coming!" a high, nice voice called. A girl stepped into the light and faced Lou. She was certainly familiar. "......................Tifa?" Lou asked. "......................Lou?" Tifa asked. "You're alive," Lou said, smiling. "Thank goodness. I was afraid the Midgar plate had smooshed you flat, along with your bar." "I thought the same of you," Tifa said, giving Lou a hearty hug. She then turned toward the back room. "Hey, Barret! Cloud! Lou's alive, and he's here!" The spikey, yellow-haired Cloud popped his head out from the back. "Lou? He's OK? Well, I'll be damned. Lou, buddy, how ya doing?" he asked, slapping Lou on the back so hard that Lou's chewing gun fell out. "Just swell, Cloud. Now, did I hear wrong or did Tifa say that Barret was here?" The floor started to vibrate. It got stronger and stronger until Barret's big, bearded head emerged from the back room next to Cloud. "Lou?! Is that really you?" "Uh-huh....." Lou said, starting to sweat. Barret stomped toward him with a leer so grim that it would make a hyena stop laughing. "Lou Degobah.... Never thought I'd see your *%^# butt around again, ya lilly-livered chicken!" "Ease up, Barret," Lou said, backing up. "I'm not here to make your life miserable again." "Yeah, you ain't," Barret said, grabbing Lou by the shirt collar and hoisting him up. "Barret!" Cloud exclaimed. "Knock it off, Barret!" Tifa pleaded. "Yeah, Barret," Jessie said, coming in to the tent. "Drop him." Barret's expression changed completely. "Jessie?!" he asked, a big smile coming to his face. "You're alive?!" "I missed you too, big guy," Jessie said, giving Barret a bear hug. "Of course, if it wasn't for Lou, I'd be dead as a doornail now." "'Zat so....?" Barret said. He turned and looked at Lou for an explanation. "The pillar she was on when the plate fell toppled over, hurling Jessie to the edge of the plate. She was pretty scraped up, and she would have died if I hadn't been walking by." "Well, Lou," Barret said, looking very sheepish. "Looks like I owes you an apology." "Hey, hey, hey!" Yuffie said as she came into the tent. "Cloud, Tifa, Barret! Remember your old pal, Yuffie?" "Oh, we remember you, Yuffie," Cloud said, a sarcastic smile creasing his mouth. "You two-timing Materia thief." "I told you these guys knew me," Yuffie explained to Lou. That night, the group built a campfire and all sat around it. "So, Lou," Tifa said, reseating herself on a stump. "We're on vacation. What brings you out here?" "Well, this may sound crazy, but...." Lou said, and told them the whole story. Cloud's mouth hung open. "Aeris..... is alive?" he said. "'Alive' isn't exactly a good way of putting it, Cloud. More like 'around.'" "Well, alive or around, I'm relieved." He hung his head and put his face in his hands. "I miss her so much." "We all do, Cloud," Tifa said, patting him on the back. She redirected her attention to Lou. "So you're searching for her, then?" "Yeah, this compass that she sent me points in the direction where Aeris is. And it also pointed me out to some of my friends here." "I'm Hairball!" Hairball chirped. "Sir Yueh," Yueh said. "Warren," Warren said, waving at Tifa. "Meow," Herr Püssy Wüssy meowed. "Aeris....." Cloud said again. "...Is alive..... Aeris...." "Knock it off, dude!" Barret said. "You're givin' me the creeps!" "That does it!" Cloud said, standing up. "I'm coming with you guys! I'm going to find Aeris! I'd do anything to see her again." "Wherever Cloud goes, I go," Tifa said, standing up. "Ditto," Barret added. "Great," Lou said. "We can start tomorrow. Hey, the compass changed directions. Now it says go straight west. I guess Aeris wanted me to find you guys." That night they all slept out under the stars. Barret and Jessie had a lot of talking to do, so they stayed out by the campfire all night. "I didn't think you'd be alive after that crash," Barret said, polishing his gun-arm. "I thought you'd be street pizza, like Biggs and Wedge." "I've always been lucky," Jessie said, warming her hands in the fire. "It's just my personality." ".........I'm just glad you're OK," Barret said. Suddenly, the mood was broken by Yuffie's loud, repetitous snores. "^#$%, man, does she ALWAYS do that?" Barret asked. "Hey, you were on a trip with her, YOU tell me." Jessie retorted. "Hmmmm....." Tifa murmured to herself as she roasted a marshmallow. "I have an idea." She roasted her marshmallow to the point where it was charred, gooey and ready to fall off the stick, then held it over Yuffie's face. Bingo. It landed on her face and coated it with white goo. "This'll be a laugh riot when she wakes up," Barret said, snickering devilishly. "(SNRRRRKGARGLEPHHHHH)" Yuffie's muffled snores continued. It became morning. "GYAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!" Yuffie screamed, pulling at the gunk all over her face. "What happened?!" "There're some pretty big birds that fly around here at night," Barret said, grinning. "That's why you should've slept face-down." Hairball hopped up to Yuffie and sniffed at the gunk. "Marshmallow!" he announced. "Marshmallow?....." Yuffie said. "TIFA!!!!" "Nuts," Tifa said, blushing. "I should've known that she knew I have a soft spot for s'mores." "Can we please just get on with the trip?!" Warren asked as he finished packing his bag. "It's a long way off to Aeris." "Yep, let's head west," Lou said, throwing his huge backpack over his back and walking off. "Yueh doesn't like desert," Yueh groaned after about an hour's worth of walking. "Yeah, Lou. Let's rest!" Yuffie cried. "Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt, but-" Lou started, but was suddenly cut short. In front of them, a sand cyclone had suddenly appeared. It grew and it grew, and the group had to back up to avoid being swallowed by it. "What IS that thing?!" Cloud exclaimed. Everyone watched as a tall figure with a really long sword rose up out of the sand. He stepped out of the orange fog and confronted them. "SEPHIROTH!" Cloud, Barret, Tifa and Yuffie exclaimed. "THAT'S Sephiroth?" Lou asked in bewilderment. "The one and only," Sephiroth said, grinning coldly. "You are Lou?" "Yeah," Lou said, pulling out his hammer. "What of it?" Sephiroth swung his sword around. "I'm afraid I must destroy you." "Is this about Aeris?" Jessie asked. "Are you one of Stilgar's Big Bad Five?" "Yes, and yes," Sephiroth said with a hint of a chuckle. "Ah, Cloud. It's been a while, puppet." "Now don't start that again!" Tifa said, running between Cloud and Sephiroth. "You were sent to stop LOU, remember? Not Cloud!" "Oh, gee, thanks a lot, Tifa," Lou said, frowning. "Oops, sorry, Lou." "How sweet!" Sephiroth said, swinging his sword again. "A nice, clean friendship where everyone's happy. Too bad I'm gonna have to bust it up." "You tryin' to become one with the planet again?" Barret asked. "Friendship is such a strong thing," Sephiroth continued, ignoring Barret entirely. "But it can be broken with one false word or action, can't it?" "What's your point, dude?" Hairball asked. "Hairball's getting tired." "Lou, prepare to perish!" Sephiroth said. "What makes you think that, mister long hair n' sword?" Lou retorted. "Watch your mouth, boy. I did Aeris, I can deep-six you." And with that, he vanished. "Where's he gone?" Yueh asked. "I dunno," Tifa said. She then noticed that Cloud was gawking at her legs. "Stop it, Cloud!" she said, punching him in the nose. "Owwww!" Cloud said as he fell backwards onto the sand. "Tifa, why did you do that?" Tifa stared at the blood dripping from her metal knuckle. "I.... I'm sorry, Cloud. I don't know what came over me." "Same here." Cloud said. "This is Sephiroth's doing," Lou said, looking around. "He's trying to turn us against each other, so he can pick us off, one by one. It's sick. OWWWW!!!!" He turned around. Yuffie had just pinched his butt really hard. "What was that for?" he asked her. "What do you think?" Yuffie said, blushing. "Come here." "Oh, no," Lou said, trying to push Yuffie away. "Get back..... Yuffie, please get back.... I SAID GET BACK!" He used his hammer to trip her up. She fell face-first into the dirt. "What happened? I don't remember a thing....." Yuffie said. "Sephiroth! Where are you?!" Cloud challenged. "Me? Oh, I'm right here, Cloud," Sephiroth said as he appeared behind him. Cloud dove at him with his sword, but at the last minute, Sephiroth vanished and Barret reappeared. Cloud stopped himself at the last possible second. "What the?! This ^%#%$#&'s playin' with our heads...." Barret said, backing away from Cloud's razor-sharp blade. "Of course!" Sephiroth said to Barret. "You want a piece of me, Barret?" "You bet I do!" Barret said firing his gun-arm at..... "Owwwww!" Jessie howled, grasping at her bleeding arm. "Jessie?!" Barret asked, puzzled. "Why don't you watch where you're aiming, you big oaf?" she roared. "Yuffie, stay in my sight," Lou said. "It'll be tougher for Sephiroth to trick two of us at once." "Why trick two of you when all I need to do is trick one?" Sephiroth said, appearing before Lou. "I'm also a pretty smooth talker. Look at me, Lou. It's me, Yuffie." "What?...." Lou said. The air around him shimmered. Sephiroth now looked like Yuffie. "That's Sephiroth, over there," Sephiroth said in Yuffie's voice, pointing at Yuffie, who now looked like Sephiroth. "Lou?" Yuffie said in Sephiroth's voice. "Don't listen to him, Lou! It's me, Yuffie!" "No, Lou," Sephiroth said. "That's Sephiroth over there. Kill him!" "Lou, ya gotta believe me! I'm Yuffie!" Yuffie pleaded. "Do it!" Sephiroth barked. Lou slowly lifted his hammer to strike a death blow. "No! Lou!!!" Yuffie begged. Lou jumped on her, but at the last microsecond swerved and sent his hammer crashing through Sephiroth's skull. He screamed in pain and shriveled into a Lost Soul tree. The illusion ended. Lou pulled his hammer out of the tree and stuck it back in his pack. "Lou....." Yuffie asked. "How could you tell?" "Simple," Lou said. "Sephiroth doesn't beg." Yuffie smiled. "Come on, Lou. let's get going." "I'm glad that's over," Tifa said. "What a nightmare," Warren said, wiping the sweat off his brow. "Why? What exactly happened to you?" Hairball asked. "Sephiroth changed me into a rock. All I could do was sit there. Then, this illusionary bratty kid picked me up and hurled me into some river. I skipped a few times, then sunk to the bottom and struck a fish dead when I landed on 'im." "I found that someone had cut off my...." Yueh started. "PLEASE, Yueh," Jessie complained. "....fingers," Yueh finished. "Yueh couldn't crochet any longer." Everyone just stared at him. "OK, let's just go," Lou said after a long pause. The group continued off west. It took 5 more days for the group to reach Nibelheim, a quiet and quaint little town surrounded by mountains. "Ahh, it's good to be back home," Tifa said, as she stretched her tired body. Suddenly, she heard a ripping noise. She then noticed that the rest of the group was staring right at her. She then looked downward. "Uh-oh," she said, her face turning valentine red. "Eewwwww," Warren said, making a face. "Two hands there, girl," Yuffie said, blushing wildly. "I told you that shirt would shrink if you washed it in cold water in a desert," Cloud started. "But did you listen? NO-O-O-O." "Here, Tifa," Lou said, handing her a tunic. "You can wear one of my shirts until we get to a hotel." "Gee, thanks, Lou," she said. She quickly slipped it on, and they continued on as if nothing had happened. They checked in at the local Best Western. "Gawd," Yuffie complained as she pulled off her shoes. About 3 pounds of sand came out from each one. "Hey, there's a scorpion in this pile. That must have been what I heard crunching the last 5 miles. Say, why's everyone sleeping?" She then caught a whiff of her shoe's interior and promptly passed out herself. That night, the party sat around the swimming pool. Actually, the only ones sitting were Lou, Barret, Hairball and Yueh. The others were swimming, or playing with beach balls, or both. Lou watched as the others played cheerfully in the pool. "They're so relaxed," Lou said, watching Yuffie and Tifa play volleyball. "Why can't I be?" "So, Lou," Barret said, stirring in his lawn chair. "You're goin' off to find Aeris?" "I don't know how far I'll get, but that's the plan," Lou said, sipping his root beer. "What made you guys come along, anyway?" "I dunno, man," Barret said, shrugging. "I jes'..... guess that I owe her somethin' fer savin' Marlene. I never did get to thank her." "Well, I know why Tifa's going. Aeris was a good friend to her. But Cloud...." "Hey, hey, hey," Barret said, waving him away. "Cloud an' Tifa've been goin' straight fer a couple o' months now." "Humm....." Hairball mumbled. "Pretty lady's playing with..... prettier lady." Tifa and Yuffie appeared to be having a chicken fight. "(Sigh)" Yueh sighed. "Must be good to have emotions....." "You have 'em, Yueh," Lou said. "You just haven't discovered them yet." That night, Lou discovered, to his dismay, that Barret and Tifa were also avid snorers. "God, it sounds like that 'Budweiser' commercial here," he muttered to himself as he attempted to jam a pillow up his ears. "(SNUD)" Yuffie went. "(SNYYY)" Tifa went. "(SNRRRRR)" Barret went. "Cloud," Lou asked Cloud, who was also awakened by the snoring, "what do you make of all this?" "Well......" Cloud began, "I AM dating Tifa now, but with Aeris being alive...." "Hay, you're not plannin' to dump someone, are you?!" Lou asked. "That would be hard on either of them." "Yeah....." Cloud said. "Tifa and me, we've become very close. I think perhaps that Aeris would just be better if considered a friend." "Intimately close?" Lou pried. "You're prying, kid," Cloud said. "Now get back to bed." With the snore-fest plus Hairball's farts, Warren's humming and Jessie's muttering, Lou and Herr Püssy Wüssy retired to the bathroom, where they spent the night in the soundproof shower. In the morning, everyone woke up when Yueh woke up, unless they wanted to be crushed by bits of ceiling plaster. "(YAWN) Hey, where's Lou?" Yuffie asked. "Maybe he went off on his own," Warren volunteered. "Perhaps 8 other people accompanying him was too much." "I sure hope it wasn't my snoring...." Tifa said apologetically. "Well," Jessie said, getting up, "I'm gonna go take my shower. I'll be back in a bit." She walked into the bathroom and undressed. She pulled back the shower wall and..... "Aw, geez!" Lou said, covering his eyes. "I'm beginning to think you get a kick out of doing that." "Oh, Lou! The others are looking for ya," Jessie said, starting to blush. "Now will you kindly get outta here so that I can shower?" "Oi," Lou said, and walked out of the shower, Herr Püssy Wüssy trailing behind him. After everyone was set, Lou checked the compass. "It says we go north," he concluded. "That would take us to Rocket Town." The group set off across Mount Nibel. It was a long way, so they had a chance to talk with one another. "So, you're a hairball, huh?" Barret asked Hairball. "Not just A hairball, sir. THE Hairball!" Hairball said, bouncing around on the trail. "Uh..... yeah. So, Jessie, tell me what you've been doing all this time...." Lou and Tifa were walking in back. "Lou," Tifa began. "Do you, um...." "Do I regret what we did that night?" Lou asked. "Tifa, that was four years ago. You were drunk, I was young and foolish. Accidents happen." "Yeah, but I thought it was a GOOD accident." Tifa said, blushing. "I mean, you don't look like much on the outside, but-" "Okay, Tifa. Just remember that you are dating Cloud now. Let it go. God knows I have. I'm ashamed. You're 4 years older than me! You should be ashamed as well. This isn't your usual attitude..." "Cloud's a year older than me," Tifa argued. "And Aeris was a year older than him. Once you get out of school, dating someone under 5 years older than you is OK." "But I dropped out of school," Lou said. "Of course, that's because Shinra blew my school up, but..." "Lou, you know more now than if you had graduated college," Tifa said. "Well, I wish I had your confidence," Lou said. "Just.... let it go, OK?" Lou and Tifa ran to catch up with the others. "Hey, Lou," Yuffie asked as they got up to the group, "what were you guys talking about?" "Old stuff," Lou quickly said. "Come on, I'll race ya across the mountain, Yuffie." They took off down the hill as the others watched. "What's up with him, Tifa?" Cloud asked. "Uhh, nothing, Cloud. Nothing at all," she said, her face blushing all over. "Your face tells otherwise," Yueh said. "What happened?" "Well...... Cloud, Barret, Jessie, remember that night I got a little topsy, 4 years back?" "I understand," Cloud said. "You still have feelings for him." "It was just a fling," Tifa said, shaking her head. "A drunken fling, for that matter. Come on." They continued over the mountain towards Rocket Town. It took five days to get to Rocket Town. Of course, since there was no Rocket anymore, the people had unofficially renamed it Tanzia. "I wonder why the compass would point here," Yuffie said, looking around. "What a dump." "Hey, don't say that," Warren said. "My teacher, Cid, lives here!" he dashed off in the direction of Cid's house. "Well, at least one of us is happy," Lou said with a shrug, and they all followed Warren to Cid's house. It was a mess as well. But Warren had already gone in, and the others decided to go in too. "Well, I'll be D---ed!" Cid said as he took a drag from his long cigarette. "It's that Cloud kid, and all his friends." "Nice to see you too, Cid," Cloud said, shaking the old pilot's hand. "I hate cigarettes," Lou whispered to Yuffie. "They make me choke." "Whazzat, son?" Cid said, looking at him. "Cid, this is Lou. He's the leader of this quest we're on," Cloud said, getting them to shake hands. "A little half-pint like you is strollin' around, leadin' big tough guys like them? Man, you've got a lot of $#@#in' guts." Lou smiled faintly. He didn't like swearing, either. Cid blew a long stream of smoke into Lou's face. "So, what're you doin', anyway?" Lou quickly explained what they were doing and what had happened so far, with Yuffie, Yueh and Tifa explaining some other parts. Cid took it all in well. He leaned back in his chair and thoughtfully chewed on a piece of bread. "Hmmm....." he hummed to himself. He began humming 'Old Mac Donald,' and Lou guessed that that was where Warren had learned him nighttime humming. "Mister Cid," Warren said, sitting down next to Cid. "I'll be frank; We need to borrow the 'Highwind' if we're going to find Aeris. We're almost off this continent, and no boats go up north. Please, please, please?" "Hell no!" Cid said, shaking his head. "Warren, you're a good pilot- possibly better than me- but I wouldn't let you put your skinny ass in my airship if the world was gonna end..... Besides, all that's left of it is the airplane part, and I just got it insured." "That does it," Lou said, walking up to Cid, grabbing him by the shirt collar and lifting him up out of the chair until his feet dangled above the ground. "We've been walking for 5 days straight, and I'm fed up with your filthy mouth. I hate swearing. It's primative and stupid and TAKE THAT CIGARETTE OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, MAN!" Cid was so stunned, he let the cigarette drop out of his mouth and onto the floor. Lou crushed it with his shoe heel. "Thank you," he said. "Now how about that airship?" Cid still shook his head as Lou continued to hold him. "(Gurgle).... I still can't let you... (URF) take it, Lou," he said. "But.... I can... give you (ARRRRK).... blueprints to build another one." Lou released his grip. Cid went crashing to the ground. Yuffie and Tifa stared at Lou in amazement. "I didn't know you could do that, Lou," Yuffie said. "I'm a lot stronger than I look," Lou said. "Now, where are the blueprints?" Cid went and got them, and came back to the table. "Now look here," he said to all of them. "I may be giving you the blueprints, but you'll still need someone with you to build it and fly it. That someone is me, until Warren shows me otherwise. OK, now I need some people to go and gather wood for the bottom structure, others to get some cloth for the blimp part, and others to go and buy some solar panels, and one to get me a gin and tonic." "Why that last one?" Yueh asked. "I'm thirsty," Cid explained. "Hold it," Yuffie said, bringing her hand down on the table hard. "I got very motion sick in the 'Highwind,' and I don't intend to in this one." "No problem, Ninja B----," Cid said. "Warren has shown me some very promising inventions. Tell 'em, Warren." Warren produced a second blueprint of a motor. "I call this the 'Stabilizer,'" he explained. "It generates a force field around the ship that prevents any motion or turbulence from being detected. You won't even notice that the ship is moving, Yuffie." "That's good," Yuffie said. "Make sure it goes on the ship." They all set to work getting the materials. Yueh, Cloud, Barret and Tifa started cutting down trees and planting replacement saplings (Tifa's idea) to use to build the cabin part of the ship. Lou, Yuffie, Jessie and Hairball all started sewing up cloth for the balloon. Hairball went to go buy the solar panels and a drink for Cid. Cid spat in disgust. "Ughhhhh!!!! What the hell is this, you little hairball?!" "You say 'gin and vomit,' I give you 'gin and vomit,'" Hairball explained. The building continued on schedule. "Hey, Tifa!" Lou said as he hung from a plank above her, "could you hand me that bag of nails?" "You mean these?" Tifa asked, grabbing a large bag of nails. "Yeah. Hand 'em up, please." Tifa raised the bag as high as she could. She couldn't reach Lou's hand. She stood on her tiptoes. Still nothing. She stretched as far as she could. "Got 'em!" Lou said. "Thanks-" There was a sickening RRRRRIIIIIP. Tifa stomped back into the house to get a new shirt, all the men gawking at her. "Yueh likes building things," Yueh said as he mounted log planks on top of each other. "Feels good." "Yeah," Yuffie said, sawing logs with her shuriken. "I actually feel like I'm doing something worthwhile." "Here it is, Yuffie," Warren said, tossing up a small metal cube to her. "That's the end of all your flight trouble. Just embed it in the side of the ship and turn it on." Yuffie cut a hole in one of the planks and inserted the small cube in. She then turned the red switch until it became green. "All set," she reported. Everyone began pumping helium into the giant balloon that Cloud and Barret had sewn together. "Don't give up, everyone! We're almost there!" Lou encouraged them as they pushed on the helium tanks. Slowly, ever slowly, the balloon filled up and started to float. "Awright! Thanks, Cid," Warren said, waving goodbye to his mentor. "Hold on, hold on," Cid said, stepping on board the ship. "Do any of you know how to fly this thing?" "Um....." Cloud said. "Well....." Tifa murmured. "Ahhhh," Hairball said. "Er," Yuffie said. "Uhh," Barret said. "Well, uh....." Warren said. "....No," Lou said. "Um, ah, er...." Jessie stammered. "Hmmm...." Yueh hummed. "Meow," Herr Püssy Wüssy meowed. "My point exactly," Cid said, taking a long drag on hid cigarette. "I'll fly the plane, on one condition....." "What would that be?" Jessie asked cautiously. "Warren gives me a copy of the blueprints to make that stabilizer thing," Cid said. "OK, but in order to be a pilot on THIS ship, you can't swear or smoke," Lou said, grabbing the cigarette right out of Cid's mouth and tossing it out the window. "What?! I.... Argh.... Oh, all right, you win," Cid mumbled. "Great," Tifa said. "Now all this ship needs is a name." Everyone thought hard. "Highwind II!" Cid said. "Aeris," Cloud said. "Tootie Fruity Spitooney Wahooney Looney Balloney," Hairball said. "Big Helium-Filled Floating Object, or BHFFO" Warren said. "Nauseater," Yuffie suggested. "'Eat at Joe's,'" Jessie said. "At least, we could put that on the side of the balloon." "Sailor.... uh.... Planet X," Lou said. "Windbag," Barret suggested. "Lighter-Than-Air," Tifa suggested. "Nah, none of these names seem to fit the bill," Cid said, rubbing his chin. "Yueh, you've been pretty silent," Yuffie said. "Don't you have a name?" Yueh stared out at the clouds. "We are on a journey....." he began. "To resurrect a friend.... Yueh wants to call this ship Phoenix." "Yeah," Jessie said. "That sounds great. We'll call it the Phoenix." "Right," Lou said as he nodded. "It's a good name." "All right!" Cid said as he hopped into the pilot's seat. "Phoenix, prepare for lift-off!" He started the engine. It sputtered for a few seconds, but then the ship lifted off the ground. They were flying. "YAAAYYYYY!!!" Everyone said, jumping up and down with joy. "It flies! We're flying! WE'RE FLYING!" "....And I'm not feeling airsick!" Yuffie said, rubbing her stomach. "It's great! That stabilizer really works!" "So, where does the compass point to now, Lou?" Cloud asked. Lou took out the compass. "It says west. Looks like we're headed for Wutai." "It'll take about a day to get to Wutai from here," Cid said. "Why don't you guys get some rest in the crew's quarters?" "You guys built crew's quarters?" Tifa asked. "Cool!" Indeed, it was cool. Each person had their own quarters, with their names engraved on the door in solid gold plating. "Yueh has his name spelled wrong," Yueh said, pointing to the rather large door with the name YOO engraved on it. "No problem," Warren said. "I'll just use my moleculator to alter the cells in the plating." He aimed his gizmo at the plate and pushed the button. The plate started to twitch, and the letters switched from YOO to YUEH. Each room had its own TV, food creator and communications phone so that each person could call another person. Warren stepped up to a food creator. "This great gizmo will give you whatever you ask for." He turned to the machine. "A large order of McDonald's fries," he said. A large order of McDonald's fries appeared in the slot, warm and steaming. "Oh, cool!" Jessie said. "That's just so cool!" "Well," Lou said. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm gonna go to my room and rest. See ya later." He went into his room, Herr Püssy Wüssy at his heels. Later that night, he heard a knock at his door. "Come in," he said. Yuffie entered the room. "Uh, Lou, listen, um....." she started. "You, ah, remember that time when I said that I'd date you once?" "Yeah?" Lou asked, putting down his book. "What about it?" "Would you like to go on that date?" Yuffie asked quite quickly. "Well, ah......" Lou said, pausing to think. "Sure, but what are we gonna do?" "Well," Yuffie said, blushing, "we could have dinner and watch a movie." "Sounds good," Lou said, going over to the food creator. "What do you want?" "How about a bowl of Rice Krispies and a Diet Coke?" Yuffie asked. "I have to eat that stuff so I can stay fit." Lou looked at her strangely, but repeated the order into the machine. "What kind of milk?" the computer beeped. "Skim," Yuffie said. "BGH-free?" the computer asked. "Yes," Yuffie said. "Smoking or non-smoking?" "What?" "Do you want milk from cows that are owned by farmers that smoke?" "Uh..... non-smoking." "Real or hypnotised?" "Huh?" "Do you want milk made by a cow or milk made by a man who was hypnotised into thinking he was a cow?" "Just give me the stupid milk, you crazy machine." "One moment, please." The machine whirred and a bowl of Rice Krispies and a can of Diet Coke appeared. Lou handed them to Yuffie and turned back for his order. "Two slices of Pizza Hut pepperoni pizza and a frosty mug of root beer," he said. The computer beeped once and his food appeared. "So, what movies do you have?" Lou asked after he sat down on the velvet couch next to Yuffie. Yuffie pulled out three movies. "Well, I have Titanic, Casablanca, or Pokémon." "Hmm....." Lou said, sitting back and taking a thoughtful bite of his pizza. "I suppose se can't go wrong with....." "Titanic?" "Naw....." "Uh..... Casablanca?" "Didn't like Bogart. He smoked." Yuffie sighed and popped the Pokémon movie into the tape player. She sat back on the couch. "Uh, you wouldn't mind if I put my arm over your shoulder, would you, Lou?" she asked. "Hey, it is a date, isn't it?" Lou said. Yuffie put her arm over his shoulder. After watching the little critters dance around and get blown up, Lou got up. "You wanna walk around up top?" Lou asked. "But isn't the stabilizer off up there?" Yuffie asked. "Nope. The field it generates surrounds the entire ship like a bubble. Come on." When they got up to the flight deck, the Phoenix was sailing above the clouds. The moon was in plain sight. The stars shone like tiny crystals of sugar in a sugar bowl. It was pretty. "Isn't the sky pretty tonight?" Lou said to Yuffie, who was testing herself for signs of nausea. "Yeah, it is...." Yuffie said, after finding that she had no such ailments. Lou and Yuffie walked to the bannister and peered off across the starry skyline. "I often think about my brother," Yuffie said. "Such an honest guy. Wouldn't lie about something if Shinra Inc was about to slit his throat." "I wonder where he might be," Lou said, staring off into the black. "Somewhere......" Yuffie said. "It's a small planet. I'll find him somehow." Suddenly, Lou heard someone coming up behind them. He turned around quickly. "Oh, gee, sorry, Lou. I didn't know you guys'd be up here," Tifa said. "I just wanted to look at the stars." "Where's Cloud?" Yuffie asked. "You two seem to go everywhere together." "He's sleeping off the booze," Tifa said. "What a wild night." "Hummmm....." Lou said. "You OK, Tifa?" "Yeah," Tifa said. "I just wanted to check up on you guys." She walked back downstairs. "What's with HER?" Yuffie asked. "Oh, just a little unpleasant business that occurred 4 years ago," Lou said. "We, uh....." "I know already," Yuffie said. "Tifa spilled it at Mt. Nibel. Doesn't bother me, I've had my share of bad dates." "That's cool," Lou said, staring off into the gloom. "Yuffie......" "What?" Yuffie asked. "Would you mind......" Lou began, "....if I kissed you?" "Well....." Yuffie said, turning around in a mock-thinking position. "I just might kiss you back." "Well then, here goes...." Lou said. He put his hands on her shoulders and gave her a quick smooch on the cheek. "I take it you're inexperienced," Yuffie said. "THIS is how you do it." She put her hands on his shoulders and latched her mouth to his for about 5 seconds. "THAT's how to do it," she said after she withdrew. "I.... suppose I need more practice," Lou said. They embraced and..... ...Before you knew it, it was morning. "Well, I'm glad we weren't drunk last night," Lou said. "We might have done something awful." "Lou, you treat making out as if it were a crime," Yuffie said. "Relax! If a Materia Hunter like me can kiss like that, what do you suppose a hero-type guy like you could do?" Lou's face went green. "Bad analogy, Yufster," he said. "Come on, let's get to breakfast." Lou and Yuffie walked into the dining room and sat down. Most everyone else was already there. Only Yueh and Tifa were missing. "Mmmm, pancakes with Mrs. Butterworth's syrup," Jessie said as she wolfed down a 12-pancake stack. "This stuff is great." "You butter believe it," the Mrs. Butterworth's container said. Jessie looked at it funny. "I didn't say nuthin'!" it said, and shut up. "I wonder where Yueh and Tifa are," Warren said. "It's not like Tifa to miss breakfast." "Yeah," Cloud said. "She's usually the one who COOKS breakfast," "I'll go check on her," Yuffie said, excusing herself from the table. "What's up with her?" Cid asked. "She was real sneaky on the last trip." "Change of heart," Lou said, and kept eating. Yuffie quietly opened the door to Tifa's quarters. "Tifa?....." she said quietly. No response. She walked further into the room. "Tifa?" she asked again. This time, there was a response. "Yuffie, come quickly." It was Yueh's voice. Yuffie came to where Yueh stood. Yueh turned around and moved backward a little. There was Tifa. She was sound asleep, snoring away. "Yueh has tried everything to wake her," Yueh said. "Tifa seems to be in a trance of some kind." Yuffie gentley shook Tifa's arm. "Hey, Tifa! Wake up!" she said. "(SNARRRRRK)" was the reply. Yuffie slapped Tifa across the face. "Come on, lazy bones! Get up!" she yelled. "(SNORRRRRRE)" came the answer. "Man, this is serious," Yuffie said. "Yueh, I'm gonna go tell the others. You stay with Tifa." Yuffie ran back to the bridge, where everyone was. "Guys! Tifa's in some sort of hypnosis-trancey-thing!" she exclaimed. "Yeah, Yuffie, we know," Warren said. "We just recieved a transmission from somewhere near Wutai." He hit the PLAY button on the transmission machine. A dark voice rasped into the speakers. "Greetings, my friends. I am one of the Big Bad Five, and I know what you're up to. I have put one of your friends into a suspended animation that cannot be reversed unless I am defeated. If you wish to challenge me, come to Wutai. I'll be waiting..... Yuffie." Yuffie gasped. "How... how does he know my name?" "This is creepy," Jessie said. "What's happening?" Yueh asked as he entered the bridge, carrying the sleeping Tifa in his arms. Cloud ran to her. "Tifa! Wake up, please!....." he pleaded. "Uh...... Hello?" "(SNORRRRT)" was the answer. "Drat," Cloud said. "No good," Jessie said, pinching Tifa on the cheek. "She's out like a log." "So that guy wasn't lying," Barret said. "So I guess we jes' go in, kick his butt, an' Tifa'll get back up, huh?" "I dunno," Hairball said. "Why did the man say pretty lady's name?" "That voice....." Yuffie murmured. "It's as if I've heard it before. It's very familiar." "I guess I'd better head for Wutai," Cid said, grabbing the controls. The Phoenix zipped off to the west. When they landed, Wutai was in ruins. The pagoda was destroyed, and all the buildings were burning. "Cid, you stay here," Lou said. "We need someone to watch Tifa." Cid looked at the snoring figure in an easy chair. "I don't think that'll be too tough," he said. The eight remaining party members hopped out into the burning town. "My God!" Yuffie cried. "I'd better go check on Godo!" "Good idea, Yuffie," Lou said. "You guys look for survivors. I'm going with Yuffie." Lou ran after Yuffie, who was rushing towards the toppled pagoda. "Dad!" Yuffie called. "Unhhhh....." a voice moaned. "Here he is! Help me dig him out, Lou," Yuffie said. They both began yanking at bits of rock until Godo was loose. His body was pretty battered, and he was breathing heavily. "Dad, who did this to you?" Yuffie said, tears welling up in her eyes. "It was.... (COUGH)... your brother.... (WHEEZE)....Genki...." Godo rasped. "He's... one of Stilgar's.... (HACK) Big Bad Five...." "You BROTHER, Yuffie?!" Lou asked. "N-no....." Yuffie said, shrinking back. "No! That's-that's IMPOSSIBLE!" "Yuffie, please...." Godo said, staring at her hard. "Please..... find Genki and....(GAG).... help him. You...." he said, looking at Lou. "You.... you love my daughter, don't you? (COUGH, COUGH)... I can see it in your eyes....." "Um....." Lou said, shifting nervously. "Please take care.... (HACK)... of her..... my honorable.... son-in-law...." Godo's head fell back, and he stopped breathing. "Dad?....." Yuffie stammered, shaking him. No response. Yuffie put her head on his chest and started crying. "Yuffie, I.....uh....." Lou said, standing up. "Please don't cry. Aeris came back from the dead. Godo might......" Yuffie looked up at him, her eyes doing that anime-watery-eye trick. "You really... (SNIFF)... think so?" she asked, her voice cracking. Lou smiled warmly. "I'm positive. Let's find your brother, Yuffie." Yuffie wiped the tears from her eyes and turned away. "S-sorry, Lou. I don't like people seeing me in such a miserable state." She turned back and looked at him in the eyes. "Oh, Lou...." she said, wrapping her arms around his midsection and snuffling a few times. "Easy, Yuffie. Easy...." Lou said. "Come on." They walked back from the pagoda to the rest of the group. "Well, we found 5 survivors," Warren said. "What happened, Yuffie? Your eyes are all red." "Her dad....." Lou said. "Oh...." Warren said, nodding. "I'll just be quiet." "Where to now?" Yueh asked. "Nothing but mountains around Wutai." "I wonder if the compass will tell us anything," Jessie said. "Hey, Lou! Try it, huh?" Lou pulled out the compass. It spun around three times and pointed at the Da-Chao mountains. "Looks like he's in the mountains," Lou said. "So, let's get moving!" Jessie said. "Race ya!" Jessie dashed ahead, everyone else following behind. The mountain was like a Japanese Mount Rushmore. There were statues everywhere. "Man, where do you think that Genki guy could be up here?" Hairball said. They stopped at the opening of a cave, where many pieces of unknown beasts lay. "My guess is that he's in here," Warren said. "We'd better be careful," Yuffie said. "Genki is a master of katanas. He could slice a boulder in two with his weak hand." "Don't worry, Yuffie," Lou said. "It's gonna be OK." They entered the cave and looked around. All sorts of weapons were hanging on the walls. Swords, guns, knives, shuriken, you name it. "Your brother likes to fight," Yueh said. "Man!" Cloud said, looking around. "This dude's got almost every sword imaginable, except for my Buster Sword." "Dude!" Barret said, looking around. "This guy's one sick puppy." "I resent that remark," a voice said from the shadows. Everyone turned around in time to see a flash of light from a blade. With a war whoop, a man leaped out of the shadows and confronted them. He had a large, sharp katana, and his hair was drawn back into a spiky ponytail. He wore blue and his eyes glowed bright red. "What a surprise. You actually came, Yuffie. I'm impressed." "THAT'S Genki?!" Jessie said. "Genki!" Yuffie said. "Why did you destroy Wutai?" Genki leered at his sister. "It was a town that bred thieves and brigands. Someone had to do something." "But killing your own father?" Lou asked. "That's just immoral!" "Ha! He was no better than a mangy fleabag on the butt of a horse. All thieves and brigands must be destroyed. It is Mater Stilgar's order." "Stilgar?" Yuffie said. "Did he put you up to this?" "Stilgar took my weak, humble body in and gave me power.... power enough to destroy all the injustice and evil that plagues this world," Genki said. "Come on, Genki!" Yuffie pleaded. "Snap out of it! Stilgar's using you to do his bidding. You're not a killing person! It isn't your nature!" "Who are you to judge?" Genki sneered. "You, Yuffie, are a dirty, filthy thief. You steal Materia from all who come your way, and then you taunt them endlessly until the go mad. You are a swine!" "Genki," Yuffie said, shaking her head. "I've reformed my ways, and I'm no longer the sister you had when you left. Please, just calm down, OK?" "Silence, brigand!" Genki barked. "Now feel the steely kiss of judgement from my blade!" Lou and Yueh jumped in front of Yuffie. "If you so much as touch one hair on her head," Lou growled, "you'll have to answer to me!" "So, Yuffie," Genki said. "You have friends now, eh? Did you bribe them to be your friends or did you hypnotise them?" "Hey," Yuffie said, stepping in front. "They're my friends. Leave them out of this." "Yuffie....." Lou said, putting his hand on her shoulder. "Stay back, Lou. This is my fight," Yuffie said, gently removing his hand. "Well," Genki said, butting back in. "He's not really your type, but you aren't exactly a prize either, what with your thieving job." "Shut up!" Yuffie howled. "Just shut up! You're torturing Tifa, you killed dad, and you destroyed my town. Give it back! GIVE THEM BACK!!!" Yuffie rushed at him, shuriken flying. "Ha!" Genki said. "You want to fight me? Fine. I'll show you that the old saying is true. 'Once a thief.....'" "SHYADDAP!!!" Yuffie said, hurling her shuriken at him. He quickly dodged the swipe and countered with a slash of his own. It chopped one of Yuffie's headband's ends off. The headband dropped to the floor. "Hey!" Yuffie said. "You're paying for that!" Genki slashed away with his sword. He had Yuffie running all around the room. "Hang in there, Yuffie!" Lou called. "Pretty lady be careful!" Hairball yelled. "Look out!" Barret shouted. Yuffie stumbled over a stray bone, and crashed to the floor. Genki stepped up behind her. "You cannot escape justice!" he said, raising the sword to impale her. To Yuffie, things seemed to be going in slow motion. "Lou...." she thought. "Lou is waiting for me.... Tifa is waiting for me.... I must live..." Yuffie rolled to the side just as Genki's blade buried itself 6 inches into the ground right where she had been laying. "You are only delaying the inevitable, Yuffie!" Genki roared. "I will smite you down like a fat guy sits on a grasshopper!" "My foot!" Yuffie said, and launched her ALL CREATION Limit break. A giant beam of light shot out of her shuriken and went right through Genki. It left a gaping hole. Genki sank to his knees. "It.... isn't possible...." he gasped. He struggled to get up. "Genki, wake up!" Yuffie said. "I.... have been defeated by the unclean...." Genki cursed. "This is the end....." He limped into the other room, which was an entrance to the highest point of the mountain. "Now I end it," Genki said, throwing his sword back at Yuffie. "So long, Yuffie. Until....we.... meet.... again......." "Genki, NO!!" Yuffie said, running towards her brother. Too late. He threw himself off the ledge and disappeared into the clouds. Yuffie sank to her knees. "But.... Why?....." she said, choking back a sob. Lou came up and sat down next to her. "There, there....." he said, putting his arm over her shoulder again. "I'm so sorry, Yuffie. So sorry." Yuffie buried her face in Lou's chest and started sobbing. Yueh shook his giant head. "She has nothing left," he said. "Her home, her relatives..... All is gone." "She hasn't lost everything, Yueh," Jessie said. "She's got Lou.... and us." "I.... suppose you're right, Jessie," Yueh said. "I.... am experiencing an overwhelming new feeling. Yueh thinks Yueh would call it 'sympathy.'" Cloud turned to the rest of the group. "I think it would be best if we left them alone for a while....." he said. Everyone agreed. They all walked back to the Phoenix, leaving Lou and Yuffie to console each other. "Hey! Glad you're back," Cid said, quickly dousing the cigarette he had lit up. "Tifa's in there." The group walked into the main room to see Tifa there, still sleeping and snoring away. "What's wrong?" Cloud asked aloud. "We defeated Genki, so why isn't she awake?" Warren looked Tifa over. he rolled back one eyelid and peered in. "She's in a natural sleep now," he said. "Don't worry. She'll wake up from this one. Watch." He grabbed Lou's bagpipes and blew into them. The resulting sound was like a goat being ground up in a blender. Tifa's eyes shot open. "Huh? What happened? Where am I?" "Tifa!" Cloud said, giving her a big hug. "Oh, thank God you're OK!" "Cloud!....." Tifa said, hugging him back. "What happened?...." Barret nodded cheerfuly. "Yuffie's bro is no mo'." "I was having awful dreams...." Tifa said. "I saw Aeris, but she didn't look or act like herself. She looked.... darker. Her eyes were pitch black, and she wore black leather garments. But she looked at me sadly and pleaded 'help me, Tifa....' I think something bad has happened." Lou and Yuffie had reentered the ship. "We're back...." Lou said. "Take that cigarette out of your mouth Cid. If you wanna smoke, do it in the blimp." "What's wrong, Yuffie?" Tifa asked. Yuffie just shook her head. "I'm coming with you guys," she said. "I'm gonna make Stilgar pay for what he's done to me!" "You mean WE'RE gonna make Stilgar pay," Lou said. "For everything he's done to ALL of us." "Yeah!" everyone cheered. "Let's go!" Lou took out the compass. "Hmm. The compass points southeast, towards where the Temple of the Ancients used to be. Set a course, Cid!" The Phoenix lifted off and shot off southeast. Yuffie sank back onto her waterbed and stared at the ceiling. "Genki...." she muttered to himself. "What made such a great man become so bitter?" "Genki will always be with you in here," Lou said, poking Yuffie in her midsection. The trick is to remember him as your brother." "I suppose you're right," Yuffie said, sitting up and glancing over at her shuriken and shield. "Now I'm definitely not going back to being a thief when this is over." "Don't worry about it," Lou said. "My apartment in Normoon is pretty big, and I'm sure that Jessie wouldn't mind sharing her room...." "You're so sweet, Lou," Yuffie said, kissing him on the cheek. "You're the best friend I've ever had." Suddenly, they heard a scraping in the corner. "Hey!" Yuffie said, grabbing her shuriken. "Who's there?" A little green imp with big ears appeared. "Who are you?" Lou asked. The imp looked around. "I am a puppet," he said in a Yoda-like voice. "What?" Yuffie asked. "From beneath the floor, the man does control me," the puppet said. "Ye-es!" "Hold it," Lou said. "I know that voice. Warren!" Warren popped up from behind the dresser. "Ha! Got you, didn't I?" he said, chuckling. "How did you get in here?" Yuffie asked. "Well, I'm not really here," Warren said. "This is a hologram. I'm really in my room. Cool, huh?" "Amazing," Yuffie said, frowning. "Now AMSCRAY!" "Oh, all right," Warren muttered, and disappeared with the sound a soap bubble makes when it pops. "He's nuts, isn't he?" Lou asked. "Just plain," Yuffie agreed. The Phoenix soared across the ocean as noon approached. The group met for lunch in the cafeteria. "Here's lunch," Tifa said, putting two jumbo-sized, sizzling-hot pizzas in front of them. "OH, YEAH!!!!" Everyone said, and started wolfing down slice after slice. "You know," Cloud said, his mouth loaded with onion, so everyone around him choked, "Aeris was a real pizza fanatic. I mean, she could devour a stuffed-crust anchovy in under three minutes." "Well, she's glad to do that again once we get her back," Lou said, chewing on a pepperoni piece." "Yueh likes anchovies," Yueh said, ramming the pizza into his mouth. "Yueh, you're a robot. You don't need to eat," Jessie said. "I made an upgrade to his processing systems," Warren said. "The food now goes into his energy chambers, where it is used to partially power his systems. Plus, I gave him taste buds." "(BURRRRRP)" Yuffie went. "Oh, yeah. Dr. Pepper with a side of cheese, that's the way to go." "So Cid," Hairball said. "When's th' ship gonna land at th' temple, huh?" "Keep yer shirt on, Hairball," Cid said, leaning back in his chair. "We'll reach the temple in about three hours, so don't worry." "Hey, guys!" Barret said, dashing in from the entertainment room. "There's sumthin' you oughta see.... ^$%#!" "Well, I'm glad the author uses those symbols," Lou said, shaking his head. They all crowded around the large TV. There was a rather sleazy-looking man on the screen, and he was talking with great ferocity. "Who's he?" Jessie asked. "Kenny Shinra, Rufus's nephew." Barret said. "The NEW president of Shinra, Inc." "But I thought we destroyed Shinra," Cloud said. "What's that dark-sounding music?" Lou asked. "It sounds cool." Kenny was spluttering so angrily that spit was flying onto the camera. "Those AVALANCHE terrorists and that Sephiroth guy got the best of my predicessors," he roared, "but I will not fall as well! Shinra Inc. is back in action! Our Mako reactors are going at 150% and we're preparing to move out against this 'Stilgar' felon as I speak. Shinra will triumph!" "Man, he sounds like he's leading an army rather than a power company," Yuffie said. "Great," Cid said. "Jes' when we had enough problems with Stilgar and his Big Bad Five, this clown has to bring Shinra back." "Life is cruel," Yueh mumbled. "Shinra was the reason for the castle I was in." "They built it?" Lou asked. "No," Yueh said. "They created the Lost Soul tree field. Their Mako weapons overpowered the castle's soldiers, and I was the only one left." "Yueh, that's awful!" Jessie said. "That's just awful." "Well," Warren said, "just like in a chess game, it would be wise to wait for them to make the first move. Let's get to the Ancients' temple." The Phoenix landed near the temple, and everyone hopped off. "Cid, you watch the ship," Lou said. "Aww, man! I never get to do anythin' fun," Cid growled, pulling out a cigarette. "And DON'T SMOKE INSIDE THE SHIP! The smell gets on everything," Tifa said. So the courageous ten walked off towards where the temple used to be. They had crossed the bridge and were staring down into the crater. "Wow!" Hairball said. "That's one big hole, huh, pretty lady?" "Dagnammit, Hairball!!" Yuffie cursed. "My name is YUFFIE, not 'pretty lady.'" "OK, pretty lady," Hairball said, giving a "thumbs-up" sign. "I give up....." Yuffie sighed. "OK, we're at the crater where the temple was....." Lou said. "What now?" Suddenly, a red beam of light shot up from the crater and engulfed everyone. "What the?!" Warren shouted. "I...it feels like I'm being torn apart!..... Cool." The nine of them vanished, and reappeared in an empty, cold town with ruined buildings all around. "OK, where are we now?!" Barret asked, rubbing his butt from the fall. "Barret, don't you remember?" Tifa asked. "This is the City of the Ancients." "City of the Ancients....." Cloud said. "This is where Aeris...." "Uh-oh....." Jessie said. "Where did she, uh, pass on, Cloud?" Lou asked. Cloud got up and pointed to the north. "This way...." he said. They all walked into the dark forest. In the center of this forest was a small building next to a lake. "...Here?" Warren asked. "It's so drab.... Gives me the willies." "This way," Cloud said, going inside the building and down a flight of steps. They entered a crystal-like room with a large altar in the middle. They all had to jump over some rocks to get there, and when they did, they were all shocked at what they saw. There knelt Aeris, eyes closed, hands clasped in prayer. She didn't seem to notice them. "Aeris?!" Cloud asked. "That's Aeris, huh?" Jessie asked. "She's pretty, too!" Hairball said, jumping up and down. "I run into all sorts of pretty ladies on this trip!" "Simply beautiful...." Warren said. Lou stepped up to her. "Uh...... Miss Aeris?" he asked. "Er, I'm Lou, the one you sent the hammer and compass to." Aeris did seem to hear this. She looked up at him, emerald-green eyes blazing. "Lou..... Thank you for coming." "Aeris!" Cloud said. "You're OK!" "Yeah," Tifa said. "We thought only a Game Shark code would be able to get you back." "Cloud..... Tifa..... Barret....." Aeris said, looking around and standing up. "It is.... good to see you all again...." "Hmm......" Jessie said. "You know, there's something fishy about this." "In what way, Jessie?" Lou asked. "In the way that she's standing there with a big, bloody sword impalement in her gut," Yuffie pointed out. Aeris glared at her. "So, you figured it out, huh?" "Figured out what?" Cloud asked. "Ha!" Aeris said, laughing evilly. "You must've figured out by now, what with all the supernatural activity flying around and that voice in the background when I sent that message....." She produced a nasty-looking staff with spikes on both sides. Her eyes turned dark black with red, snake-like slits in them, and her red clothings became black, leather biker clothes. "Aeris?!" Tifa asked. "You must have figured out....." she continued with an inhuman grin, "that I am one of Stilgar's Big Bad Five!" "What?!" Barret roared. "You mean you tricked us into coming here?!" "Of course I did, you metal misfit!" Aeris barked. "And now I'm gonna exchange lives; yours for mine!" She rushed at them with her giant, spiky staff and raised her hand. "Magma!" she yelled. Hot lava shot out from her hands and showered all over the group. "Aiiiyeeee, it burns!" Jessie said, nursing her damaged hand. "You guys get back!" Cloud said. "I'm handling this on my own." "But Cloud!" Tifa stammered. "What if...." "This is for your own safety, Tifa baby," he said, shoving everyone off the altar. "Go! Stay back!" "So, you're in love with Tifa, huh?!" Aeris snapped. "Well, that's just fine and dandy. I'll send you both to the next world!" "Aeris..... You've changed," Cloud said, shaking his head. "So have you!" Aeris said. "What about our date? What about our perfect fortune?! Die, Cloud!" She lunged with her staff. Cloud quickly dodged it and drew his sword. He sliced the edge off the staff. It clattered to the ground with a loud banging. Aeris gave a snort of disgust and threw away the staff. "Fine and dandy, mister hero!" she roared. "But get a load of this! FIRE SPIN!!" A flaming tornado appeared out of nowhere and started towards Cloud. He was caught up in it and tossed off to the side. "Cloud!" Tifa cried, running to him. "You OK, Cloud?" "A little extra-crispy," Cloud said, pointing to his singed hair, "but I'm OK." "Let me handle this," Lou said. "I'm the one she sent the messages to, not Cloud." He stepped onto the altar and confronted Aeris. "What happened to you, Aeris? You were a lot nicer when you talked to me." "Shut up!" Aeris roared. "I shall take great pleasure in depriving you of your innards! FIRE BLAST!!" A wall of fire shot towards Lou. He got burned bad. "Gyagggh!" he groaned. "My leg!" "Oh, I get it!" Yuffie said. "Stilgar brainwashed her into doing his dirtywork! We need to find that White Materia she had in her bow." "Last I saw, it was underwater," Barret said. "I'll get it!" Warren said, diving into the water below. He swam around for about 5 minutes before he found it, a true pearl in the sand. He snatched it up, swam back up, and tossed it to Yuffie. "Get it to Lou!" he shouted. Lou had pulled out his hammer and was using it to block the flaming blows that were being thrust upon him. "Aeris, listen to me!" he yelled. "You're not yourself. Stop fighting me, please!" "Heck no!" Aeris said with a laugh. "I'm actually enjoying this!" "Lou! Catch!" Yuffie shouted, throwing the Materia. Lou caught it and when Aeris lunged at him, he pressed it to her forehead. There was a bloodcurling shriek. White sparks flew everywhere. Aeris seemed to be melting. The blackness and evil oozed off of her and became a Lost Soul tree. The real Aeris collapsed to the floor. She was transparent. "Guoooooh.... What happened?" she moaned. "Aeris!" Cloud said. "You OK?" "Well, the brainwashing wore off, if that's what you mean," Aeris said. "I still need to find my body. Lou?" "Ah, yes, I.... uh...." Lou said, getting up and handing her the White Materia, which simply fell through her hand. "Whoops! I forgot you don't have your corporial form back yet." "Don't worry about it," Aeris continued. "I'm very glad you came. I wasn't sure you would make it here." "Aeris," Tifa said. "What's the deal here? I thought that souls return to the planet when they die." "They do," Aeris said, hovering about 6 inches off the ground. "The spirit of a person goes down into a large area beneath the planet core, called the Spirit World. There we spend eternity in the Promised Land. Of course, someone like me, who died young and has friends up on the surface, AND saved the world, thank you very much, is allowed to attempt to contact his/her friends and get them to bring him/her back. I'm glad I called you, Lou." "Swell," Jessie said. "But, uh, maybe we should find your body?" "Yes, you're right," Aeris said. "This way." They followed the apparition back to the lake outside the building. "My body is down there," she said. "Who's going to go get it?" "I will," Cloud said. "I owe it to you." "Careful, Cloud," Tifa said, putting her hand on his shoulder. "Aeris's body might have decomposed, and who knows how many pieces are down there." Cloud took off all his armor and dove in. The lake was about 20 feet deep, so Cloud got down to the botton in about 45 seconds. There, he saw something so shocking that he almost let all his air out. There lay Aeris's body. It hadn't aged or decayed one bit. It was just the same as if she were asleep. Cloud grabbed the body and swam back up. "Man, this is magic, man," Warren said. "This corpse didn't do its thing." "Stand back," Aeris said. "Reentering a body is a difficult task. I'll be back in a second." The spirit took a deep breath and dove into the body through the ear. The body shook and twitched, as if she were having a seizure. "Aeris?....." Cloud asked. All the parts of the body twitched and turned wildly. Then the eyes fluttered open, with only the whites showing. The green eyes rolled back down and into their usual slots, and Aeris sat up. "Man, that's tough," she said. "Oh, Aeris!" Cloud said, giving her a big hug. "I'm so glad you're OK!" "I missed you guys too, Cloud," Aeris said, getting up. "I missed.... all of you. Cloud, and Tifa, Barret, Jessie, Yuffie..... Thank you, all of you." "Anytime," Hairball said, hopping up and down. "Does pretty lady number four like holding things?" "Sure," Aeris said. Hairball leaped into her surprised arms. "Oh, NO....." Yuffie said, covering her eyes. But when she looked again, Aeris was stroking Hairball on his belly, giggling with delight. "Awwww," Jessie said. "Ain't that cute?" "So, what now?" Lou asked. "We found Aeris. What more is there to do?" "Lots," Aeris said, putting Hairball down and picking Herr Püssy Wüssy up and stroking his fur. He started to purr wildly. "I mean, Stilgar's still out there, and he's making a new Big Bad Five as we speak. Plus, I hear from the spiritual grape vine that Shinra has started up again. We've lots of work to do." "Yeah," Barret said. "But I think we oughta take a day off. You mus' be beat after that body-reenterin' crap you just pulled." "Good idea," Jessie said. "I'm bushed. There's just one problem....." "What's that?" Aeris asked. "YOU TELEPORTED US ABOUT 6 DAYS FROM WHERE OUR AIRSHIP IS!!!!" Jessie roared into Aeris's face. "Woah, Jessie! Chill," Cloud said, grabbing her shoulders. "It's not such a big deal. We can radio Cid at Bone Village and get him to come pick us up!" "Ngr....argh.....hummpf...." Jessie huffed. "Oh, all right." She faced Aeris. "Remind me to yell at you some more when we get to the Airship." They left the City of the Ancients and started walking back towards Bone Village. It was an all-day hike, and they had plenty of time to talk. "So, Aeris, ah....." Yuffie asked. "What is it like to.... die?" Aeris waved her hand cheerfully. "No sweat, Yuffie. You just go to another place that's exactly the same as this place, except that it's underground. You can play on the beaches, drink soda till you burst, make love to each other, do the naked pretzel on the-" "OK, OK," Yuffie said, her face green. "No more, please. Just tell me, did you see my dad down there?" "Godo?" Aeris thought hard. "Ummmm..... Yes, I did. Boy, he was having a ball. He told me he was having a better time down there than he had had all his life up here." "Hmm....." Yuffie said. "If my dad's doing OK, than I don't really have to worry about him." "That's the spirit, Yuffie!" Lou said, patting her on the shoulder. "Uh, Aeris....." Tifa said. "About Cloud and me, ah...." Aeris shook her head. "Don't worry about it. Cloud was just a friend to me, too." "That's glad to hear," Cloud said. "I don't want any grudges around me." "Ahh, you kidder," Aeris said, kissing him on the cheek. They reached Bone Village, another quickly-developed town, and checked in at a motel. "It's been a while since we've crashed at a motel," Warren said. "Er, say, Lou, what're ya doing over there?" "Watching TV," Lou said. "The Cartoon Network's hosting an 8-hour Sailor Moon marathon." "Gag, gasp, wheeze," Jessie said, her left eye starting to twitch. "I'll be out at the pool vomiting, thank you very much." "Hey, I love that show!" Aeris said, taking a place on the bed opposite of Lou. "Did you know that Reeny is Sailor Moon's kid?" "Aww, now you've ruined it for me," Lou said, chuckling. This didn't last long. It turned out that Barret was allergic to cable TV, so they had to shut it off and watch some PBS shows. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" Aeris said, faking a snore. "Oh, come on," Warren said. "I love watching 'Nature' specials! Ooh, look at those slugs doin' it!" "How can a person be allergic to a TV?!" Tifa asked. "Same way that Jessie can make herself puke for....2 hours straight," Barret said, looking at his watch. "Anyone up for checkers?" Yueh asked, producing a checkerboard from his chest compartment. "Sure!" Aeris said. "Say, can someone order a pizza? I LOVE pizza." "Well, this party sure has lightened up since Aeris came, hasn't it?" Yuffie said. "Yeah...." Lou said, scratching his head. "Say....." Cloud said, after 4 hours of eating pizza and watching Aeris and Yueh have it out on the checkerboard. "Jessie's been gone for a while. Maybe someone should go check on her." "OK, Cloud, you go check on her," Yuffie said as she fiddled with her Game Boy. "What? Why me?!" "Because you brought it up." "(Sigh)" Cloud said, and went outside the room. He walked over to the pool area and looked around. "Jessie? Hey, Jessie! (GASP)" Cloud froze as he stared at the scene. Jessie looked awful. She apparently had been mugged. Her shirt was ripped in two, she had numerous bruises along her face, and blood dribbled down her lip. "Omigod omigod omigod!" Cloud panicked. "Hey, everyone! Get over here!!!" They got Jessie to a hospital quite quickly. After about 15 minutes, the doctor came out to talk to the group. "I'm sorry to say that your friend has lost a lot of blood," he said. "I need O-type donors to come into the office." "Who's a type-O in here?" Lou asked. "I'm a B." "A," Yuffie said. "AB," Cloud said. "B," Tifa said. "Type-M oil," Yueh said. "I don't have any blood," Hairball said. "Meow," Herr Püssy Wüssy said. "I'm an O," Barret said. "So am I," Aeris said. "Warren, what are you?" Warren was sweating hard. "I'm.....uh....er.....uh...." "You're type O, aren't you?" Lou said. "Go on, Warren. Jessie's counting on you." "B-b-b-but I don't like giving blood," Warren said. "I'm really squeamish. An, uh.... I think I might be coming down with something.... Maybe the flu...." "Oh, really?" Yuffie said. "I could have sworn you had CHICKEN pox." "Come on, Warren!" Tifa said. "It's not that bad." "Hmm," Yueh said. "The pretty nurse massages your hand and gives you cookies and juice." "Er....." Warren stammered. "But I've never given blood before...." "Then you're ripe!" Cloud said. "Go on, Warren! I know you're a type-O." Cloud started making "oooohhhhhhh" swooning sounds. "It's not funny!" Warren said. "Say, have you ever seen a grape when someone steps on it?" Lou said. "It just goes 'splort' and things go all over the place....." "Come on, Warren...." Aeris's hand placed itself on his. "I'm gonna do it, too. Please? Jessie really needs our help." "........................................................................All right," Warren sighed. "I'll do it for you, Aeris, you and the cookies." The doctor led Barret, Warren and Aeris into the emergency room. "Doctor, how much blood does Jessie actually need?" Lou asked. "Well," the doctor said, looking around, then whispering. "I'll have to drain about 9/10ths of each person." "Oh, man," Yuffie said, leaning back. Five hours passed. "I wonder what they're doing in there," Lou said. Suddenly, the doctor came back out. "I need a type-A person," he said. Everyone looked at Yuffie. "(Sigh) All right, I'm coming....." she said as she lumbered into the room. It took another three hours before Jessie walked out of the room. "Jessie!" Cloud said. "You OK?" "Yeah, I am...." Jessie said. "But everyone else, well...." Warren wobbled out of the room, supported by Aeris, who was also wobbling. They both were pretty pale. "Aeris! Warren! You guys OK?" Tifa asked. Warren looked at her and jumped back. "DRACULA!!!!!!" he screamed. "No, no, Warren. That's Tifa," Aeris said. ".....Right?" "Ah, yup," Tifa said, shaking her head. Barret came out, supporting Yuffie. Warren pointed at Yuffie. "She's worse than when she got a face full of paint fumes at the pier...." "Hello, Idaho, shiny goo....." Yuffie warbled. "Hootinanny! Ohh give me a home where the buffalo groan and the steer and canteloupe sashay......." "Man, she's awful," Lou said. "I don't wanna talk t'ya no more, you empty-headed animal food-drop whopper," Yuffie mumbled. "I fart in your general direction.... Yer mother was a hamster, and yer father smelt of elderberries!" "Jessie should be fine," the doctor said, "but let the other three rest for a few days." "Can do, doc," Lou said. "Come on, Yuffie. I'll carry you home." "Well, golly-GEE, fanny mae," Yuffie said as Lou hoisted her up into his arms. "Lou, you're a hot lil' stud, did I ever tell you that?..... Hello, my baby, hello, my honey, hello, my ragtime gal....." "Let's get back to the motel," Lou said. "They need a bed." "Ooh, bed, that sounds good, Lou.... heh heh....." Yuffie said as Lou carried her out of the hospital. "With gravy and potatoes and maybe some rice pudding and octopus guts and don't forget the nutrasweet and cancer-causing margarine....." That night, Nobody snored. It was quite odd, really. Lou fell asleep immediately and found himself in an odd dream. In this dream, he awoke back in Normoon, the rain pounding down outside. "What.... what's happening?" he asked himself. "I'm all alone...... What....." He ran outside into a grim, dark, modern city with all gray scenery and rain spattering against the pavement. "My God....." Lou said to himself. "I'm.....no....this can't be....." People were passing him by; dark, cold, faceless people clutching alike gray umbrellas. "I've gotta get back!....." Lou said, dashing madly through the rain. "It can't be like this again...." He dashed from person to person, hoping to see a familiar face. "Jessie? Yueh? Tifa? Cloud?!" he called. A person near him suddenly vanished, leaving the umbrella face-up in the rain. "Oh, no...." Lou said. Another person vanished, then another..... Soon, it was only Lou, the rain, and a dark, empty city. "No..... NO!!!!" Lou yelled, holding his head in pain. "YUFFIE!!!!!!" "G'yagh!" he yelped, waking with a start. He looked up to see Yuffie staring over him. "You OK, Lou?" she asked. "You were sweating like a guy on a treadmill on the 'velociraptor chase' setting." "Yuffie!" Lou said, smiling happily. "Look at your beautiful face!" He grabbed it and pulled at it and twisted it around a bit. "God!" Yuffie said, rubbing her bright red cheeks, "what's up with you?!" "Oh, thank goodness. It was all just a dream...." Lou said, getting up. "Whew...." After everyone else got up, they all sat around the hotel room. It was raining outside, so there wasn't much point in going outside. Warren played his Game Boy, while Aeris and Yueh had a chess tournament. Just about everyone else was listening to Lou tell his dream. "Now that's jes weird, man," Barret said. "You was all upset 'cuz you'd gone back from where ye'd came from." "Well," Lou said. "Sure, I miss my house, and my own bed, and my TV with its cable hook-up and N64, but....." "Checkmate!" Yueh said, sending his black queen crashing into Aeris's white king. "....Look what I'd be missing," Lou continued. "....Not much point in continuing on till the rain stops," Hairball said, munching on a day-old slice of pepperoni pizza. "Hummm......" Jessie hummed. She was sitting on the edge of the bed, far from the others. "Hey, I know," Yuffie said, "we can all sit around and tell stories about ourselves. Say, Jessie. Where're you from? Who were your parents?...." "................" Jessie said. There was an awkward silence. Finally, Barret coughed. "Uh, Yuffie, why don' you jes go an' wash up?" "But I already did," Yuffie said. "Then go an' do it agin!" Barret said. "What did I do?" Yuffie asked. "Jeez, Yuffie!" Tifa said. "You're pretty dense. Now PLEASE change the subject." ".......... It's alright, you guys," Jessie said. "If you can't talk about your sorrows with your friends, who CAN you talk about them to?" She turned her face away and began her story. "It was raining that day, too......" "My father and another man were in an election to see who would govern my hometown, Kurshon. My dad, Conch, lost the election, and he had to leave..... forever. My mom had died earlier, so my grandpa had to take care of me. Yeah, I had a good childhood. My friends were the cute little forest creatures near the town, kind of like a Disney flick. I loved the critters and they loved me. "But then, one day, the one they call Stilgar..... his men attacked my village and burned it to the ground. It.... was raining that day, too. I had hid in the wine cellar, but when I came up, Shinra troops were already picking through the leftovers of the town. I thought that Shinra had caused this horrible thing and I joined AVALANCHE out of my hatred for them. Only just before Sector 7 collapsed did I find out that it was really Stilgar." There was a second awkward silence. "Man...... That's awful," Cloud said. "I didn't know." "That's awful," Tifa said, "destroying a village, then making it look like someone else did it." "I never saw my father again...." Jessie continued, "and I doubt I ever will." There was a third awkward silence. Yuffie nudged Lou in the ribs. "Hey, Lou! Lighten the mood, will ya?" "Why me?" Lou asked. "Because you're the leader of this crazy trip," Aeris said. "Hmm......." Lou thought. "I know!" He got out his Acme Lil' Sound Byte holder. "Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the wild and wacky sound bytes of Lou Degobah!" He hit a button on the recorder. It played a few notes, then a recording of Elmo started playing. "This is the song, lalalala, Elmo's song....." it crooned. Jessie looked up. "Well, I do feel a bit better...." Suddenly, from the tape came a roar of gunfire, finishing with a 3rd grader yelling 'shut the ^%#$ up!' That did it. Everyone burst out laughing. Aeris fell out of her chair and rolled on the floor, laughing hard. Tears were shooting out of Yuffie's eyes, she was laughing so fiercely. Yueh laughed so loud, ceiling plaster started to fall down. "Aww, Lou...." Jessie said, smiling. "You guys are the best. Thank you." "Ahh, you're our pal, Jessie," Cloud said. "That's what pals do!" "Hey, look!" Hairball said, pointing out the window. "The rain has stopped." "Say," Aeris said. "Why don't we all go up to Icicle Inn for a bit? It's nice and snowy up there, and we can make snowmen and go sledding and...." "Sounds good," Tifa said. "I'll pack up. Lou, you call Cid and tell him where we're going." Lou rung up the Phoenix. "Hello, Cid?" he said. "We're all heading up to Icicle Inn, so that's where we'll be." "^%#$!" Cid said. "You guys just keep movin' from one place to another, don't ya?! OK, I', comin'.... By the way, tell Aeris we've got a room for her when we get back on board the ship." "Sounds good," Lou said. "We'll see you there." The group set out through the Sleeping Forest and through the City of the Ancients towards Icicle Inn. Little did they know that someone was watching them..... The trip was pretty easy, except for when they reached the City of the Ancients. "That was quite a hike," Tifa said, sitting on a rock to rest. "I'm bushed." "You wouldn't be if you hadn't eaten that 12-piece KFC dinner by yourself," Cloud said, chuckling. "Actually, I shouldn't have had that Big Mac Super Size Meal.... Ugh." "City hasn't changed much....." Aeris said, looking around. "I mean, if you die in a place, you'd remember it pretty well, wouldn't you?" "Dude!" Barret said, huffing and puffing. "Man, oh man, I sure ain't cut out for long hikes." "I......" Yuffie said, collapsing against a tree, "....am bushed." "We might as well rest a little," Lou said. "I could use a sit-down." The whole group collapsed into a circle. "We might as well talk about something," Warren said. "Not much use just sitting here." "Say, I know!" Hairball said. "We could all talk about what kind of dreams we had last night!" "Well, uh....." Tifa said, turning bright red. "I'd rather not....." Cloud said, looking the other way. "Yueh dreamed that Lou and Yuffie were doing the naked pretzel in a bathtub filled with JELL-O," Yueh blurted out. "EWWWWWWW!!!!!!" Everyone yelled. "YUEH!!!!" "Sorry," Yueh said. "Yueh is just glad that dream did not become reality." "Hmm......" Aeris said. "Barret, were there any other people who survived the burning of Corel Village besides Dyne?" "Well, there was one other....." Barret said with a worried frown. "His name was Clyde Vandersnoot. He was a real strong guy that had a giant oil well nearby. He was pretty burned up, but he was alive when I checked on him. 'Course, then I saw Shinra cart him off. I wonder what happened to him...." "Why don't you ask me?" a voice said behind them. Everyone whipped around to see a large man, with large biceps and a black mugger's mask on. "Barret....." he said. "Long time no see." "Clyde?" Barret asked, getting up. Before he could do anything, the man slugged him hard. Barret flew against a tree and fell to the ground. "Ha! Thought you could all laugh at me...." the man growled. "Thought you could call me stuff like 'city slicker' and 'redneck,' but who's laughing now? Stilgar pumped me up, and now I'm gonna make you all pay!" "Clyde, please, listen....." Barret said, getting up slowly. "There is no Clyde," the man roared. "Only Veinz remains!" The veins in his arms shot out of his skin and became cannon-like weapons. loose skin dangled from Veinz's arms. "Oh, GROSSNESS!!!" Yuffie said, turning green. The veins shot large webs at the group. Lou, Yuffie, Warren, Tifa, Cloud, Hairball, Jessie and Aeris were snared and helpless. Veinz then picked Yueh up and threw him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. "You see, Barret," Veinz said, "Stilgar noticed that I needed power, and he gave it to me. I know it disgusts the squeamish folks, but it's worth it! Try my Bloodblaster cannon on for size!" His vein shot gallons of blood out at Barret. When this blood hit the tree behind him, it hissed and started to eat right through the tree. "Veinz?!" Barret asked. "You one of Stilgar's Big Bad 5?" "The NEW batch of Big Bad 5!" Veinz roared, continuing to fire his Bloodblaster. He didn't notice Yueh coming up behind him. "Please stop," Yueh said, putting his hand on Veinz's arm. "Grudges only give birth to more grudges." "What do you know, you big tin can?!" Veinz said, firing the Bloodblaster onto Yueh's armor. Yueh looked down at his armor. "I did not want to do this....." he said. "TORNADO LIMIT BREAKER!!!" Yueh's body snapped apart like lego bricks, and all the parts whirled around in a cyclone. Veinz became caught up in it, and one piece shattered his Bloodblaster vein. More blood and plasma came spilling out all over. Veinz was tossed against a tree. Yueh's body reassembled itself neatly, bit by bit. "I hate fighting," Yueh said. "It tears me apart." "I'm soaked......" Jessie complained, looking at her blood-covered shirt. "Veinz!" Barret said, preparing his gun. "Don't beat up on my friends. I'm the one you want! Are you so disappointed?" "Not really," Veinz said. "I thought I'd never see you again, Barret. And that would mean that I'd never feel your spine crumble in my hands......" He stretched his arms, and more veins popped out and his muscles got bigger. By now he looked like a giant, veined balloon. Barret started firing his gun-arm like crazy. His blasts were just absorbed by the muscles. "Now, Barret......" Veinz said as he approached Barret and put his giant arm around Barret's neck, hoisting him up. "Now we see who has the advantage................ GRAAAHHHHH!!!!!!" He dropped Barret and fell to the ground, drool oozing out of his mouth, other bodily fluids coming out of his veins. He was certainly dead. Warren and the rest had gotten free of the web and were not out and about. Warren looked Veinz's body over. "Way to go, Barret," he said with a long whistle. "He died of lead poisoning. Your bullets really did have an effect." Veinz's body shimmered, then transformed into a lost soul tree. Barret sighed. "Now I'm the only Corel survivor...... Me an' Marlene..... ^%#$......." "Cheer up, Barret!" Hairball said. "Being the only one makes you special!" "Don't worry about it, Barret," Tifa said. "Corel will prosper again someday." "Hmm......" Lou said. "If Veinz knew we were at the Ancient City, that must mean that Stilgar's watching us..... Isn't that right, Jessie? Jessie?....." No answer. Jessie had vanished all of a sudden, and was nowhere to be found. "Unhhhhh....." Jessie groaned as she awoke. With one eye, she looked around the room she was in. It was a large room, about the size of a gymnasium. There was one large window overlooking a huge canyon, and a lot of doors leading into the room. There was one other person in this room. A person that was larger than Yueh, wore golden armor, had silvery-white hair, horns, and a black mask-like thing where its face should be. "So, you're awake now....." he croaked in a deep, evil voice. "Stilgar......" Jessie said, sitting up. "What do you want with me, Stilgar?" "Now, now....." Stilgar said, waving his hand away. "Is that any way to greet your father?" "Jesss-ssieeeee!!!!!" Lou called. "Yo, Jessie! Where are you?!" Everyone was hunting around the City of the Ancients, searching for her. They all met back at the entrance. "Any luck?" Lou asked. "Nope," Barret said, shaking his head. "No sign," Aeris said. "Nuh-uh," Hairball said. "Hmm......." Yueh said. "Where could Jessie have gone?" "Hey, guys!" Warren called from the pavillion. "Check this out!" He pointed at a large, swirling globe. "What's that?!" Yuffie asked as they got closer. "Search me," Cloud said. "I've never seen one before." "It's a teleporter," Warren said. The two red dots on the globe show the area where it leads to. See, this dot here is the City of the Ancients, but this dot here....." he pointed to a large red spot in the mountains near Corel, "is where it leads. Many people have said that Stilgar's castle is there. I'm guessing that he wants Jessie for something......" "But what could he want HER for?" Barret asked. "No!" Jessie yelled, backing up against the wall. "You're NOT my father! No, no, nonono!!!" "Come now, Jessie," Stilgar said, chuckling cruelly, "you know it deep in your heart. I am your father." "My father was a good man who would never hurt a flea!" Jessie cried. "I'll never believe you were him!" "Let me tell you a little story....." Stilgar said. "When I was banished from the village, I struck out on my own. I knew about Shinra, and I was going to stop it, without anyone else's help. I wandered through every jungle and swamp, searching for Midgar..... Then, I came upon a temple in the forests. I went inside and found a treasure chest. I opened it, and suddenly, I felt the most power I had felt in my life. I had unlocked Stilgar, and my body's form changed. I resurrected the long-dead soldiers of many countries and set them upon the world. I destroyed my own village!" "Why, Stilgar?" Jessie asked. "It was just one little village!" "That's exactly why!" Stilgar snapped. "The darker my deeds, the stronger I get. The more hate people radiate towards me, the more my power grows. Why do you think I let you live through the destruction? You were hiding in the wine cellar." "No......" Jessie said, slumping to the floor. "Now that I am strong," Stilgar continued, "I can conquer this planet and rule entirely..... I am offering you a chance to joing me, Jessie. We can rule this planet as father and daughter." "Hey, Stilgar!" a voice said from the other side of the gym. "You really have to clean up your teleports! Leavin' them around can be dangerous." Both of them looked to see Lou and the group emerge from a door. "Lou!" Jessie cried. "Thank God!" "So," Stilgar said, looking at the group. "Who have we here?" "I'm Cloud," Cloud said, "ex-member of the Shinra army." "I'm from AVALANCHE!" Barret said. "Same here!" Tifa said. "A flower girl from the Midgar slums," Aeris said, "and a Cetra to boot." "A magical talkling hairball!" Hairball said. "A ninja ex-Materia-hunter," Yuffie said, brandishing her shuriken. "Guardian of the ancient castle," Yueh said. "A scientist with a screw loose," Warren said. "Meow," Herr Püssy Wüssy meowed. "A bum," Lou said. "And Jessie's friend." "So," Stilgar said, looking at each of them. "You're the group that's been messing up my plans, huh? What a crew. Aeris, long time no see." "You're not brainwashing anymore Cetra, buttmunch!" Aeris barked. "Let Jessie go!" "Ehh," Stilgar said, snapping his fingers. "Wrong answer." The doors opened, and legions of undead skeleton troops poured in and surrounded our heroes. Stilgar laughed evily. "You're going to make excellent new members for my ever-growing army of the undead," he chortled. "Great," Barret huffed. "We're surrounded." "Not yet!" Cloud said. "OMNISLASH LIMIT BREAKER!!!!" He spun around, slashing away at each enemy, until the only one left was Stilgar. "Let's make for the exit!" Tifa said. They all started running towards a door. Stilgar appeared and blocked it. "Going somewhere?" he said. "Other door!" Lou called. Everyone ran the other way. Stilgar teleported himself over to that door. "There's nowhere to run," Stilgar said, chuckling evilly. "Why don't you just give up?" "Out the window!" Yuffie shouted. Everyone ran to the window and tried to smash it. "Nuts! My hammer doesn't make a dent!" Lou complained. "Neither will my sword," Cloud said. "My magic won't do squat," Hairball groaned. "Stand back....." Yueh said. "TORNADO!!!" Even Yueh's giant wind attack didn't scratch the window. "Built to last....." Stilgar said from behind them. He then started towards them. "Now, we can do this the easy way....." "Everyone get ready to attack together!" Lou said. "....Or we can do this MY way," Stilgar said, continuing towards them. "ATTACK!!!!" Everyone yelled, jumping at Stilgar. "Ha! Childish fools. COMET 2!" Stilgar roared, firing rocks at everyone. Everyone was thrown back. "Ng'yahhhhh!" Warren said. "He's too strong! Our levels need to be higher!" "You......" Stilgar said, snatching up Lou in his giant fist. "You actually thought you could defeat me, the king of darkness?" "Lou!" Yuffie cried. "Come on, everyone!" "No, STOP!" Lou yelled. Too late. Everyone jumped at Stilgar again. "Hmmph! They just don't give up, do they?" Stilgar said. "ULTIMA!!" A large, green laser fired at everyone and sent them flying back into the window. It didn't chip an inch. "Owwwww......" Aeris whined. "My arm!" "Now you will all rest in peace....." Stilgar was saying, when suddenly, a huge laser beam shot through the window and knocked Stilgar flat on his back. Lou squirmed out of his hand and ran to the window. "What was that?!" Lou asked. Suddenly, from the clouds below, the Phoenix floated upward, with a brand-new laser cannon attached to its hull. Cid was up on the flight deck. "Cid!" Warren yelled. "Get in, quick!" Cid yelled. "That son-of-a-%$#@# is getting up again!" "What did I say about swearing?!" Lou huffed as they all hopped aboard and flew off. Stilgar looked out at the giant ship flying off into the clouds. "Ha! Let them go," he said. "I know what I have to do now. It's only a matter of time...." The airship flew out of the clouds and settled near Corel again. "Man, that was close!" Barret said. "Yo, Cid, how'd ya find us?" "Well," Cid said, holding up a small object, "if it weren't for Lou's compass here, I wouldn't have. It pointed this way and started beeping, so I figgered, 'why not?'" "Thanks, Cid," Lou said. "I owe you one." "Just let me smoke once an' I'll call it even," Cid said, lighting up a cigarette. "Oh, all right," Lou said, pulling his shirt over his mouth and nose. "So, what now?" Tifa asked. "Stilgar's obviously going to attack somewhere, but where?" "I'm just not sure....." Cloud said. "I wonder how our other friends are doing?" "Other friends?" Lou asked. "Oh, yeah, I forgot you didn't know," Cloud said. "I'm talking about Red, Vincent and Cait Sith. Maybe they have some information for us? They might even join up." "Good idea," Tifa said. "Let's check on Red first, huh? I bet he's back at Cosmo Canyon with Bugenhagen." "I have no idea what you're talking about, but I'm game," Lou said. "Cid, let's go." Cid was sitting in the chair, enraptured by the white-and-red small thing sticking out of his mouth. "Ahh, never mind," Lou said. "I'll drive." Lou piloted the ship like a master. He was able do set the Phoenix down outside Cosmo Canyon's front door. They walked into the canyon and looked around. "Same old canyon," Cloud said. "Not one change." "So THIS is the place you said that we'd celebrate when Shinra was finished," Jessie said to Barret. "Not too shabby." "Cloud!" a voice rasped. Everyone looked up and saw Red XIII coming down the stairs. "Long time no see," he said. "Hi, Red." Aeris said. "Good to see you." She reached down and patted him on the nose. "Aeris?!" Red said. "How did you.... How did she...." "Long story," Yuffie said. "We'll tell you when we get settled. Is Bugenhagen around?" "Yeah, come on," Red said. "He's actually been expecting you." "Hold it," Cloud said. "Isn't Bugenhagen dead?" "Shhhh!" Red said. "Don't tell the writer that! You'll botch up his entire story. Let's just say that a magical talking dwarf that lives in the basement magically brought him back to life, 'kay?" Everyone followed Red up to Bugen's house. "Grandfather!" Red said. "Cloud and his friends are here." "Ho ho hooooo," Bugenhagen said, turning around. "Welcome, welcome. Ah, you are the one called Lou?" Lou nodded. "Yes, sir." "Hmm......" Bugenhagen said, glancing from Yuffie to Lou, and back to Yuffie again. "Ho ho hoooo, I'm glad you could make it. Please, come into my observatory." Everyone followed Bugenhagen into his observatory (Yueh got stuck on the way in), and he turned the machine on. The platform rose up into the planetarium. Everyone looked around at the stars and planets. "Wow......." Yuffie said. "No matter how many times I see it, I'm still amazed." "So," Bugenhagen said when everyone had recovered from their amazement, "Lou, you are trying to stop Stilgar from taking over the planet?" "That's right, sir." Lou said. "I have many friends to help me." "Hmmm......" Bugenhagen said, looking around. "Some faces I remember, but others I do not. What are your names again?" "Cloud," Cloud said. "Barret," Barret said. "Tifa," Tifa said. "Aeris," Aeris said. "Yuffie," Yuffie said. "Hairball," Hairball said. "Jessie," Jessie said. "Warren," Warren said. "Yueh," Yueh said. "Well," Bugenhagen said, "I can sense that you are all fine young people. I can see into each and every one of your hearts, and I see that you all have a desire to end this. However....." "However what?" Tifa asked. "This Stilgar enigma is not what it seems," Bugenhagen said. "There is something wrong with the entire thing. Be on your guard....." "Bugenhagen," Lou said, "do you know where we should go next? We've run fresh out of ideas." "Ho ho hoooo," Bugenhagen said. "I am tired. Please stay the night and rest." The party did just that. Everyone left the observatory except Lou and Yuffie. They stayed and looked at the stars. "Lou," Yuffie said, "when this is all over, I....." "Don't say anything, Yuffie," Lou said. "I know how you feel about me. You told me with that kiss on the airship. My question to you is; with Wutai demolished, where are you going to live?" Yuffie held Lou's hands in hers. "Lou, I...... I want to be with you, always." Lou nodded solemnly. "I feel the same way, Yuffie. When this fight is all over, we can make a new start of it. I still have my house in Normoon, by the way." "Amazing," Yuffie said. "I was just a Materia Hunter a few months ago. I didn't care about anyone but myself and my Materia. Then you came along..... and changed all that." Lou kissed her on the forehead. "I was just a bum until this started," he said. "I've changed a lot, too. I've grown up." "Hmmmm......" Yuffie said, pressing her face against his chest. After a little more talk, Lou decided to turn in for the night. As he climbed down the ladder, he heard a voice whisper his name. "Hey, Lou....." Warren said. "Can I talk to you for a second?" "What's up, Warren?" Lou asked. Warren turned bright red. "I don't like to talk about this, but..... I've fallen in love with Aeris." "You don't say?" Lou said. Warren shook his head. "I don't know why, but I want to share my life with her. That's not like me, is it?" "It's only natural," Lou said. "You two have been spending a lot of time together." "Well," Warren said, his face going even deeper into the red shades, "what'm I supposed to do? I want to show Aeris that I care, but....." "You know," Lou said, "Aeris's birthday is coming up. You could get her a present." "Like what?" Warren asked. "Hmmm....... An average girl would like flowers, but since Aeris makes her own flower arrangements..... I know!" Lou pulled out a scrap of paper and jotted down a phone number. "Pizza Hut has a year-lasting card that says if you buy a large pizza, you'll get a medium free. She'd LOVE that! Just call this number and order one." Warren looked at the paper. "Yeah, that's exactly what I'll do! Thanks, Lou!" "Hey," Lou said, "what're friends for?" The next morning, everyone met in Bugenhagen's kitchen. "Ho ho hooooo," Bugenhagen laughed. "I have been studying the matter of your quest for about 20 minutes, and I can see what you need to do." ".....And what would that be, exactly?" Tifa asked. "Stilgar's fortress is guarded by a lightning-powered shield," Bugenhagen said. "Only a Super-dee-duper Rammer Slammer Full-Power Ultra Smoosher, or a "WHAMMMO" machine will break it. Now, the components to build the "WHAMMO" are inside Shinra Headquarters, which is in Midgar, right?" "Yeah," Barret said, "an' Kenny Shinra's put a big ol' force field 'round all of Midgar. We can't get in by land or air." "True, true," Bugenhagen chirped, "but how about underground?" "Eh?" Yuffie asked. "Underground?" "There exist on this planet three tools that will allow the user to create a powerfull Drill Module, that will burrow under the earth like a super-sized mole. One of these tools is on a high mountain, another is in a vast desert, and a third is in the empty blackness of space. I have managed to locate the space-bound tool, the 'Drill Blueprints.' Quick, to the BAT-scope!" "BAT-scope?" Cloud asked. "What's that stand for?" "Big-Ass Telescope," Red said. "Grandfather named it himself." Bugenhagen was prancing around, humming the 'Batman' tune to himself. "Dadadadadadadada BAT-scope! Dadadadadadadadadada BAT-scope!!!" he sang. "Snap out of it, grandpa," Cid growled. Cid had come out of the Phoenix to see what was up. "Oh, ummmm, yes, ah, ho ho hoooooo......" Bugenhagen mumbled, turning on the giant lens. "Lou, take a look at what is shining in the heavens." Lou put his eyes to the viewer. "GAAAHHHHH!!!!!" he yelled, pulling his eyes back. "What kind of jerk would point this scope directly at the sun?!" "Whoops, sorry," Jessie said. "I was messing with the directional buttons over here. I'll set them back to where they were." "Hmmm..... That's better," Lou said, gazing deep into the telescope. "I see a lot of stars, the moon, and YIPES!!!!" he leaped back. "My God, there's a giant space creature floating around up there!" "No," Bugenhagen said, "that's my rubber spider toy. Got ya! HO HO HOOOOOO!!!!" "Funny," Lou mumbled. "I'll remember to tell the doctors that you're paying for my heart attack bill." "Here, let me take a look," Yueh said, lowering himself down enough to look into the scope. "Hmm.... There are many parts of a metal vehicle floating around. One piece has writing on it. Yueh will try to make it out. 'S...h....i....n....r....a....2....6....' Shinra 26." "Shinra 26?!" Cid exclaimed. "*^$%, that's my old rocket!" "The 'Drill Blueprints' are somewhere in that area," Bugenhagen said. "You'll need another spacecraft to reach it. I believe that someone's working on one in Rocket Town." "Rocket Town?" Aeris asked. "That's about 2 days away by air." "Well, we'd better get moving then," Cid said, jingling the keys to the Phoenix on his belt. "Come on!" "(Aeris will be having her 23rd birthday in Rocket Town.....)" Warren mumbled to himself. "Hey, Red, Bugey," Yuffie said, "you guys coming?" "No," Red said, "I need to stay here and protect the canyon." "I'm too old," Bugenhagen said, "plus, I've got a date at the Sumo Mud-Wrestling Competition that I don't want to miss." "You're a fan?" Hairball asked. "No, contestant," Bugenhagen answered. "EWWWWWWWWWWW," everyone said simultaneously. They all got back on the ship and took off really fast. The ship sailed along for a while. The group did their usual stuff, such as play chess or eat or watch TV. Lou duplicated a satellite for his TV so that he could get Cartoon Network. He didn't want to miss the weekend's Sailor Moon Vs. Pokémon Cartoon Strip Poker Tournament. It was going to be quite a show. "Well," Aeris said, looking out the bridge's window, "we're almost to Rocket Town. Hey, Warren, what's wrong? You look nervous." "Uh, nothing, Aeris," Warren said, going beet red. "Absolutely nothing!...... (Yeah, right....)" The group landed in Rocket Town and went to Cid's house. "Yo, Shera!" Cid called, "we got guests! Get the tea!" "Oh, Captain!" Shera said, popping out of the backroom. "Welcome home! Of course, I'll get tea." "Oh, yeah," Cid said, sitting down and lighting up a cigarette. "Sure feels like home agin'." "Looks just the same," Tifa said. "Tiny Bronco's back in the backyard, study is as messed up as ever..." "Whoo!" Yuffie said, emerging from the bathroom. "Do NOT go in there!" "Yueh can't fit in the door," Barret announced. They all looked around to see Yueh's giant head and shoulders wedged into the door. "(Sigh) There are some.... disadvantages to being 7 feet tall," Yueh groaned. "No problem," Shera said, pulling out a switch. She flicked it, and the entire front of the house flipped up. Yueh walked in and sat down next to the wall. "Well," Cloud said, "now that everyone's here, I suppose we can do it now." "Do what?" Aeris asked. Everyone grinned at her. "SURPRISE!!!!" everyone yelled. Yueh opened up his chest compartment and let a few balloons fly out. "So THAT'S why his voice was higher than normal," Tifa said. "I wondered about that." "I can't believe this!" Aeris exclaimed, her mouth curling into a big smile. "You guys remembered!" "That's not all," Cid said. "Lou, go get the big surprise." Lou dashed back the airship and hauled back a reasonable-sized birthday cake. "Tifa made it," he explained. "I wrote the thing on the cake," Jessie said. Aeris read the little poem aloud. "'You're 23 and you don't look like an Ancient.' Uh, thanks." "Hey, cut her some slack," Barret said, "she DID fail her 'creative writing' course in high school." "Awww, thanks, you guys," Aeris said. "I'm the luckiest girl in the world." And so the group had Aeris's little surprise party, and when it was over..... "Uh, Aeris....." Warren said, "can I see you outside for just a minute?" He quickly walked outside. "?????" Aeris said. "I wonder what it could be." Aeris followed Warren outside, with the others looking on. "Boy, I sure hope he knows what he's doing," Cloud said. "Aeris is a good catch." "What?" Tifa asked, annoyed. "I just hope he doesn't have any raging hormones in him right now," Yuffie said. "Meow," Herr Püssy Wüssy said. "So, Warren," Aeris said to Warren, "what did you want me to come out here for?" "Ummmmmm....." Warren said, blushing wildly. "Aeris, this is your birthday present." He gave her the Pizza Hut card. "This thing lasts a year?!" Aeris said. "Wow! Thanks, Warren!" "There's......more......." Warren said, looking her straight in the eye. "Aeris........ I...... I....." "You what?" Aeris asked. "You WHAT?!" Hairball yelled. "Shut up!" Lou said, boppping him on the head. "You'll ruin it!" "I........" Warren said, the sweat streaming down his face. "I love you......" Aeris just stood there, blinking. Her face became a deep crimson shade. "Well, uh, ummmmm, how to say, errrrrr......." Aeris babbled. "You.... don't have to answer right away," Warren said, waving his hand. "I... just wanted to let you know how I felt." Aeris looked him in the eye this time. "I always felt.... that you were different from the others in some way......" "Yeah?!" Warren said, surprised. "YEAH?!" Hairball yelled. "Shut the ^%$# up, Hairball!" Cid barked. "I....... I love you, too." Aeris said, going dark red. Their faces looked like two blood-red bowling balls. "I want to always be near you....." "Wow......." Warren said, grinning. "I'm really happy." "PSYCHE!!!" Aeris said, laughing crazily. "What?!" Warren cried. "WHAT?!" Everyone else cried. "Ahh, just kidding," Aeris said. "You are so gullible!" And they embraced. "Now that the romance has been solved," Lou said, pacing back and forth in front of everyone. "We have to find a way to get up to the rocket. As you know, it would take quite a while to build another rocket. Shera, do you have any ideas?" "Well," Shera said, "we could outfit your Phoenix with a space engine so that it would improve speed and allow you to go into space. We'd also need a few oxygen tanks, but we can get things set OK." "Sounds good," Tifa said, smacking her palm with her fist. "Let's get to work!" They all set about grabbing parts for the new rocket and oxygen tanks. "Just to make sure things go smoothly, I'll come with you on this one," Shera said. "Yo, Tifa!" Barret called. "Hand me that sauldering tool there!" He stretched his arm downward to get it. "Oh, no, Barret," Tifa said, frowning. "I'm not falling for that. You'll have to come down here to get it." Barret sighed and walked down and picked up the sauldering tool. There was a sickening RRRRIP. "I don't know HOW it happens....." Tifa said, putting on her CENSORED sign and marching back to her room to get a new shirt. "Hmmmm....." Shera said, observing a piece of metal. "We need some heat to bend this." "I know," Jessie said, pulling out a Materia shard. "Ifrit, use your Hellfire attack on this metal!" Ifrit appeared and breathed fire on the metal. It melted into the exact shape that Shera needed. "Wow," Shera said, "that Ifrit Materia's pretty strong. What level is it on?" "Hmmmm...." Yuffie said, looking at the Materia. "I'd say it's on level 3." "You know, Jessie," Shera said, putting the metal bar where it needed to go, "I've got a piece of Materia that needs a good trainer. I bet you'd like it. I'll go get it." Shera dashed back to the house and came back with a yellow shard of Materia. "This is an Enemy Skill Materia. It has the ability to learn 24 enemy skills, but right now, all it knows is Matra Magic and Goblin Punch. I think you could get it to learn all 24 skills." Jessie strapped the Materia to her belt. "OK, Shera, I'll do my best." Cid had his face in the engine, and Warren was on the bridge, testing the controls. "Warren, try turning on the jets!" Cid yelled. Warren hit a button and a large annoying noice shot out of the engine, blowing Cid off. He landed on his butt in front of the ship. "Dammit Warren, I said the JETS, not the HORN!!!!" "Sorry," Warren said, grinning sheepishly. Finally, the ship was modified enough to take off. "OK, hold on!" Shera said, turning on the engines. "This is gonna get rough, so hold on to your heinies." The Phoenix sputtered, then the engines roared to life, and the ship flew up towards space. "HOW'S EVERYONE DOING?!" Cid yelled. Most of them were strapped into their seats, their mouths doing that stretchy thing that you see on TV. "There! We've cleared the atmosphere," Shera said. "We should be able to get to the rocket now." The ship flew through space in a parking orbit, while the group scanned for the rocket left and right. "Man......" Yuffie said, looking out the window. "Outer space..... I didn't think I'd get up here again. What do you know? I'm not seasick." "Yuffie, have you forgotten that I installed the stabilizer?" Warren asked. "That's the reason there's no movement inside." "Oh, yeah," Yuffie said. "I forgot." "I'm going to go up on deck and look at the stars," Cloud said, getting on the stairs and walking up onto the ship's deck. "Good thing that stabilizer's putting an air bubble around the ship, so you can actually do that," Aeris said. "I'm going up, too," Tifa said. "Might as well," Jessie said. "Come on, Yuffie. You wanna come?" Lou asked. "Sure," Yuffie said. "Of course, I might get blown away by the vastness....." "Well, so will I," Lou said, "but that's the fun of it." They all went onto the deck and stared into the inky blackness of space. "It's so.....big," Tifa said. "Yes," Cloud said, "space is big. I'm not talking little big, but BIG BIG. I mean, you might think that it's a long walk to the butcher's shop in thick snow, but that's just peanuts to space. I mean, a light year is....." "Can it, Cloud," Warren said. "We all know that space is big. It's just a gigantic vacuum with a few planets sitting around in its blackness. Stars and planets are all just specks in this universe. Our planet is just one of I don't know how many small planets there are out there. We're like an oasis in a desert, aren't we?" "Warren," Aeris said, "you..... are SO romantic when you talk astronomy." "Why, thank you," Warren said. "Hey!" Hairball said, pointing off to the left. "The rocket! The rocket! Pretty lady, look! The rocket!" "Hey, Hairball's right," Jessie said. "The rocket IS over there." "Cid!" Barret yelled. "We see the rocket! Give a hard port turn!" The ship turned straight towards the broken rocket and began to sail towards it. Suddenly, the ship shook violently. "Waaaaaaah!" Yuffie cried. "What's with the shaking?! Warren, I thought you said you put the stabilizer in here!" "I did," Warren said. "We collided with something. Yuffie, I don't think you're going to like this, but....." Before he could finish his sentence, a demon-like creature flew up in front of the Phoenix. He had long, purple wings and wore a blazing, red mask with a long nose and devilish eyes. He held a sharp-looking katana, and his silvery-gray hair was braded into four braids and a star-like end. He also looked like a robot. He laughed evilly. "Genki?!" Lou asked. "Hey, you're Yuffie's brother, aren't you?" "THAT'S your brother?" Aeris said. "Creepy." "Silence, wench!" Genki barked. "You guys are getting in Stilgar's way, once again. I have been ordered to take whatever means possible to ensure that you do not complete your objective." He looked around, and his eyes locked onto Yuffie. They blazed cold hatred that pierced her heart. "Yuffie......" Genki hissed, landing on the deck. "You thief. You rapscallion. Now your judgement day has arrived. Prepare yourself!" "Brother, please!" Yuffie cried, lowering her shuriken. "There must be some other way to resolve this." "You never found other ways to resolve your thieving habits," Genki said. "Now you will feel the cold blade of justice being served." "I don't think so, bub!" Tifa said, stepping forward and smacking her palms together. "Yuffie's our friend," Barret said, readying his gun-arm. "....And you're not getting anywhere near her!" Lou said, readying his hammer. Genki raised his sword. "Lou Degobah, Barret Wallace, Tifa Lockheart, I hold you in contempt!" He slashed his sword and knocked them all to the sides. Tifa almost fell off the edge and drifted into space. "Nobody touches Tifa!" Cloud said, swiping away with his Buster Sword. "OMNISLASH!" "Ditto," Aeris said. "SEAL EVIL!!" "Yeah," Warren said. "BUBBLEBEAM!!!" "Right!" Hairball said. "HURLY CANNON!!!!" When the four Limit Breaks hit Genki, his sword shattered. "Who are you to judge?" Genki said, laughing to himself. "TORNADO WAVE!!!" His arm shifted into a gun and a giant tornado fired out of it. Everyone was thrown to the edges of the Phoenix's flight deck. Yuffie looked around at them. "Genki......" Yuffie said, "I didn't want to do this, but I guess there's no avoiding it." She raised her shuriken. "You can't escape justice," Genki said, producing a second katana. "We shall see who is the stronger of Godo's successors...... A lowly Materia thief, or a proud samurai?" "ALL CREATION!!!!!" Yuffie said, her purple death-ray charging up and blasting Genki. He flew off the ship and off towards the sun. "JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED ONE DAY...................." Genki's roar echoed through space and time as he flew straight into the sun. Yuffie sank to her knees and shook her head. "Genki, why couldn't you understand?......" she whispered. Cid came up on deck. "Good news! We used the crane on the ship to pluck the 'Drill Blueprints' off the rocket. We can go now." "....Let's," Yuffie said, walking back down and into her room. Everyone else picked themselves up slowly. "What's with HER?" Cid asked. "....Family feud," Yueh said, walking back down the steps. Everyone followed, solemn and silent. "So, where's the next tool?" Warren asked as they landed back on Earth. "Hmmmm......." Shera said, "I have no idea. Oh! Yuffie, I almost forgot." She handed a piece of red Materia to Yuffie. "This landed on the deck when that weird monster was destroyed." Yuffie looked at the Materia. "The Leviathan Materia," Yuffie said. "The power of Wutai's water god." Suddenly, the video phone started ringing. "Yeah, what is it?" Lou asked. picking up the phone. "Ho ho hoooooo," Bugenhagen's voice crackled through the phone. "Lou, I've found out where the second tool, the 'Ruby Capsule' is!" "That's great!" Jessie said. "Who's got it?" "Don Corneo the second," Bugenhagen said. "Oh, no......" Tifa said, covering her face with her hands. "Not him again," Aeris groaned. "No, no, noooooo," Bugenhagen said. "Don Corneo II is completely different from his father. He's an opera buff!" "Well, that's certainly better than what his daddy was," Barret said, shaking his head. "Listen, Don acquired the piece lately and has been bragging about it. I'm sure that you guys would be able to get it from him. He's vacationing at the Gold Saucer amusement park." "What's he doing THERE?" Warren asked. "The Gold Saucer Theater Productions is performing the Ring der Nibelungen, and Donny wants to check it out." "Well," Cid said, "we might as well go." "I saw that opera once," Jessie said. "Man, what a yawner." "Does it matter?" Yueh asked. "Let us go." The Phoenix flew to the Gold Saucer (which now had an airship docking bay installed) and the crew hopped out. "I'll wait here in case of an emergency," Shera said. "Right," Lou said. "Now.... If I was an opera buff, where would I go?" "How about the theater?" Cloud asked. "The warp for it is this way." They all hopped down to the theater part and looked around. The stage was set for the act, and the actors were warming up their voices. In the audience seats sat a man. He was blonde-haired and thin, and he wore a cape and a monocle. He was just watching the performers warm up. The group approached him. "You're Don Corneo II, aren't you?" Aeris said. "Ah, yes, of course," he said in a fake British accent. "How ever did you know?" "I knew your dad," Aeris said. "Oh, the problems daddy would cause!" Don said, shaking his head and chuckling. "Simply horrible. What can I do for you?" "We want the Ruby Capsule," Cid blurted out. "Oh, you mean this?" Don asked, holding out a small, glowing ruby. "Ah, yes. Many people have asked me about it lately. It's such a fine jewel, with brilliant vibrance and-" "Look, can we have it or not?" Barret asked. "Well," Don said, looking around. "I suppose I could let you have it......" "AWRIGHT!" everyone cheered. ".....If you all perform an opera for me." Corneo finished. "Awwwww......" everyone groaned. "Ummmmm," Yuffie asked, "what opera do you want us to do?" "Simple," Don said. "The entire Ring der Nibelungen opera cycle. It's going to be a full house." "GUHHHHHH......" everyone groaned. "If you do a fairly good job, I'll give you the capsule. If you botch up, you can repeat the opera until you get it right. Agreed?" Everyone got into a huddle. "Well," Lou said. "What does everybody think?" "I'm game," Tifa said. "It sounds like fun!" "Well," Hairball said, "I always DID wanna be on stage." "Couldn't I just sleep with him like I had to with his dad?" Aeris complained. "I can't act." "Aeris!" Warren said. "I'm crushed!" "Calm yourself, Aeris," Yueh said. "We will all help you." "Yeah!" Cid said. "That's cool!" "What is?" Yueh asked. "When I bite my cigarette, sparks fly out." "Doggonit, Cid!" Lou said, grabbing the cigarette and stomping on it. "I told you NO SMOKING!" After a little organization, Lou managed to get things together. "All right," Lou said. "I'm the director, an I have everyone's parts. The Role of Sigfried the hero will be played by.... uh....." "You don't have anyone written down, do you?" Yuffie asked. "Er, no. I have to ask everyone a few questions first. How many of you guys can sing German?" Silence. "Ummmmm..... How many of you can pronounce German words, sing them, and have no idea what they mean?" Everyone raised their hand. "Good. That's a start. Now, who here can sing tenor?" "AHHHHHHHHH(hack)hhhhh(cough)," Yuffie sang in dramatic soprano. "UHHHHHHHHH," Yueh sang in bass. "EEEEEEEE," Hairball, Jessie, Aeris and Tifa sang in high soprano. "ERRRRRRRRRRR," Warren sang in a low soprano. "Great, just great. Are you telling me that NOBODY in this group of 10 can sing tenor?" "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH," a melodious, glorious tenor's voice rang. "That voice! It's perfect for Sigfried! Who was that?" Lou asked, looking around. Cid shyly raised his hand. Lou sighed heavily. "Why couldn't I just have been a bank teller like my dad suggested?...." he asked himself. In about 15 minutes, Lou had whipped up a script. "OK, now I have the parts. Sigfried will be played by.....(sigh) Cid." "All right!" Cid said, lighting up a cigarette. "Fer God's sake, Cid, you can smoke when Valhalla is set on fire, but not now!" "Oh, sorry," Cid said, dousing the cigarette. "Brunhilda the Valkeriye will be played by Yuffie," Lou continued. "Yuffie, can you sing like an auctioneer or hog caller?" "AHHHHHHH AHHHHHH HEYADOW HEYADOW....." Yuffie belched out. "Sounds good," Lou said. "OK, Tifa, you'll have to be all 3 Rhine Maidens, plus Gutrune Gibich. How are you on multiple casting?" "Uh, I suppose I'd be OK if there were two other me's," Tifa said. "OK, you're in charge of that.... The giants, Fafnir and Fasolt will be played by Hairball and Yueh. Hairball is also Sigmund, and Yueh is also Gunther Gibich" "Ummmmm," Yueh said, looking at Hairball. "Not exactly the 'giant' type, are you?" "I am a giant among lesser men," Hairball said, frowning. ".....Yeah. OK. Alberich the dwarf and Hunding will be played by Cloud." "Hey, do I look like a midget to you?" Cloud said. "I hate midgets!" "Would you rather be a Rhine Maiden?" Lou asked. "I'm sure Tifa would like the company." "You know," Tifa said, "he did dress up as a really cute girl once...." "YAAAAHHHHH!!!! OK, OK! I'll be the dwarf!" Cloud said, shaking his head frantically. "All right. Warren, you are going to be Wotan, the head god, and Hargon, Alberich's son. Don't worry, Hargon's a lot bigger." "Oh, sure," Cloud said. "Give HIM the breaks!" "Right. Jessie, you'll be Freica, Wotan's wife." "Sounds OK. Do I have to take off my lucky bandana?" "No, you don't," Lou said, shaking his head. "(Oh, mama, what did I get myself into.....) OK. Aeris, I know you have major stage fright, so I've only assigned you 2 roles. You will be Erde, the green-faced torso, and Siglinde, Hunding's wife." "Uh," Aeris said, looking nervous. "....I'll try." "Yo!" Barret said. "What about me?" "Barret, I haven't got you down for anything. You're the stagehand, the one that changes the scenery and works the curtain and whatnot." "Well," Barret said, shrugging, "at least I ain't singin'." OPERA 1- DAS RHEINGOLD "Come on, people!" Lou yelled. "Get into costume! We start in two minutes!" "Hey, Lou!" Tifa said, coming up to him. "I want a second opinion on this Rhine Maiden costume. Is it too tight?" "Well," Lou said, staring at the extremely thin bikini with the conical bra, "try stretching." Tifa stretched her arms out, and RRRRIP! "Too tight," Lou said, covering his eyes. "Go put on a looser-fitting size." "Yo, Lou!" Cloud complained. "Do dwarves have big butts?" "No, why?" Lou asked. "This one does," Cloud said. "I have shoes strapped to my kneecaps and I'm walking around on my knees. My feet are behind me, and It looks like I have a big butt." "Well," Lou said, "the only thing I could do is.....AMPUTATE!" "Gyahhh! OK, OK, I'll shut up now!" Cloud grumbled. "(Lousy no good..... Better off without.... Better when I was in charge....)" "Barret, raise the curtain!" Barret pulled the curtain up, and the audience gasped. ".....Hey! What's Herr Püssy Wüssy doing out there?!" Lou gasped. "Takin' a leak in the prop sand," Barret mumbled. "Looks like I put too much there." The scene began. Tifa hopped from rock to rock, lip-synching a record that was playing over the loud speakers. The males in the audience got a nice stirring in the groin from this. "She's doing okay," Lou said. "OK, 'Alberich,' it's time for you to go on stage." Cloud came out, lip-synching the singing for Alberich. The audience roared with laughter. Cloud's real legs were sticking out behind him. "Aye yai yai....." Lou said, shaking his head. Soon came the part where Fafnir kills Fasolt to get the ring. Hairball tried to stab Yueh where the heart should be, but he was just too little. "Nuts! I can't reach...." Hairball said, stabbing away at Yueh's legs. "Here, Hairball," Yueh said, taking the dagger. "I will help." He stabbed himself and fell over. Hairball grabbed the ring and ran off. Wotan was now to go down to talk to Erde. Warren went over to Aeris. Her face was painted green, and she was stark bare naked. Of course, one could only see her chest and up, with her being on a elevator in the stage. "I'm so nervous!" she whispered. "Don't be. Just be yourself," Warren said. "Ok, now's the part where Erde bears Wotan 8 daughters....." Lou said to himself, then gasped. "WARREN! AERIS! NO ONE'S SUPPOSED TO SEE HOW ERDE GOT THOSE 8 DAUGHTERS! STOP THAT!!!! Ugh.... I'm gonna be sick. BARRET, BRING DOWN THE %$#* CURTAIN!" OPERA 2-DIE VALKERIYE "Hey, Lou," Warren said, slipping into his costume, "this Wotan guy sure is naughty, isn't he?" "Yeah," Lou said. "Man. He's got Freica, Erde, and some mortal chick havin' kids for him. Isn't that sick?" "Actually, I like this role," Warren said, smiling wickedly. "Oi," Lou sighed. When they came to the part where Sigmund was supposed to pull the sword out of the tree, Hairball couldn't reach it again. "Why couldn't you have stuck the sword in a bush, Barret?" Hairball complained. "Yo, scripts are scripts," Barret said. When the fight between Hunding and Sigmund began, Hairball AGAIN couldn't get high up enough to stab Cloud in the chest with his plastic sword. "Hey! A little help?" Hairball asked. "All right, all right...." Tifa, who just happened to walk on stage at the moment, said. She lifted Hairball up high enough that he could stab freely. "We're not getting that Capsule this time...." Lou mumbled to himself. "YAAAHHHHH!!!" Yuffie screamed as the fire started up around the rock she was pretending to sleep on. "My helmet! The horns melted off!" "God......." Lou mumbled, putting his face in his hands. OPERA 3-SEIGFRIED "OK, Cid, here's your big debut," Lou said. "Remember, don't SMOKE OR SWEAR out there!" "(Sigh) All right, mister Francis Ford Coppola," Cid grouched, tossing his cigarette in an ashtray. "I'll just go out there and slay the dragon like a good little jock." Cid walked out on stage in his toga and brandishing a fake sword. "Yo, Lou!" he shouted. "Where's the dragon?" "Whoops. Cloud, send out the dragon, will you?" Lou called. Cloud pushed a horned and winged Herr Püssy Wüssy out onto the stage. "What's this?!" Cid yelled. "What's with the hairball? I was expectin' a BIG dragon!" Herr Püssy Wüssy nuzzled against Cid's leg, purring happily. "Well, that's done it. I can't kill this cat," Cid said. "Just give me that ring on your paw, HPW." Herr Püssy Wüssy hissed loudly when Cid grabbed his front paw. He then clawed Cid's face until it looked like someone was playing tic-tac-toe. "OK, now you're gonna die," Cid said, chasing the cat offstage. When the time came for Seigfried and Brunhilde to kiss, it went OK until the last bit. "UGHHHHHH!!!!!" Yuffie cried, smacking Cid square across the jaw. "What's wrong, Yuffie?" Lou asked. "Does he taste like cigarettes?" "No," Yuffie said, spitting furiously. "Garlic breath!" "Garlic breath?!" Jessie asked. "Sorry," Cid said. "It's my nicotine substitute." "Was that the problem, Yuffie?" Barret asked. "Well, that and the fact that he tried to french-kiss me. SOMEONE GET ME SOME TOOTHPASTE!!!" "EWWWWWWWWW," the audience went. "Just bring down the curtain, Barret," Tifa said, shaking her head. Barret pulled the strings, and the curtain, along with all the rafters and pipes that held it up, came tumbling down, too. "When does the hurting stop?......" Hairball moaned. OPERA 4-DIE GOTTERDAMURUNG "Lou," Yuffie said, holding up her script. "I don't like my character's role. Before she meets Seigfried, she's a super-duper strong knight-person, but afterwards, she's a first-class wimp. What's the deal?!" "Don't ask me," Lou said, shaking his head. "Ask Wagner." "Where's he?" "With all his music. He's deomposing. OKAY, PLACES EVERYONE!" The opera went well until the scene where Brunhilde was supposed to ride her horse into the fire. "Lou, the styrofoam horse just got smooshed by a truck," Barret said. "Aw, geez," Lou grumbled. "Get the horse's understudy!" This 'understudy' was really Cloud and Warren in a two-man horse suit. As they approached the stage, Lou stopped them. "Cloud, the head's on sideways," he said. "I'm looking through the ear," Cloud answered. "You're supposed to look through the mouth," Lou said. "I know, but if I look through the mouth, I can't hear through the ear!" Cloud complained. "Oh, what the heck, just go," Lou grumbled, putting his face in his hands. Halfway through the riding scene, the 'horse' split open. Only the front part (Cloud) went into the fire with Yuffie, and the back part (Warren) just wandered around on stage until it fell into the orchestra pit. "Gosh darnit, Cid!!!" Lou yelled. "I know I told you you could smoke during this scene but NOT 17 FREAKIN' JOINTS!" "Sorry," Cid said, shrugging. "My cravings are bad." And so the opera ended. "That was a disaster!" Lou shouted at everyone. "What's wrong with you guys?! NOBODY HERE CAN ACT! No, no, I shouldn't blame you guys..... I was directing. I CAN'T PICK A COMPETENT CAST! That's right, Lou, you bozo! I oughta slug you....." Lou punched himself in the nose. "Woah, Lou!" Yuffie said, coming to calm him down. "It's everyone's fault. Don't beat yourself up because of it." Suddenly, Don Corneo II appeared, clapping his hands. "Bravo, bravo!" he said. "You guys were a hit out there! The crowds are going wild! I guess I misjudged you when I saw you. Here you go." He handed the Ruby Capsule to Lou. "Come back anytime and perform!" Don said as they left. "The house has been full every night since you came." "Well, am I glad that's over," Jessie said. "I could use some R and R." "Hey," Warren said, looking at a poster on the wall. "It says here that Friday is Date Night at the Gold Saucer. All attractions are free, and so are the honeymoon suites at the Ghost Hotel..... and today is Friday!" "Well, I know we're all tired," Lou said. "Why don't we spend the night here?" "Yay!" Aeris cheered. "Let's get down!" Tifa said. "Get funk-ay!" Yuffie said happily. "Get loose!" Yueh said, nodding his head. Later that night, evreyone met at the Station Room to decide what to do that night. "Well, I'm certain that Tifa'll come with me," Cloud said, looking at Tifa. "Sure," Tifa said. "I wanna try the 'rock'em sock'em virtual fighters' in Wonder Square." "I was gonna go and gamble on the Chocobo races," Yuffie said. "Wanna come, Lou?" "Sure, Yuffie," Lou said, grinning. "I'm a pretty good gambler myself." "I've always wanted to go on the tram again," Aeris said. "Will you come with me, Warren?" "Uh, ummmmm...." Warren said, blushing. "Sh-sure. I... guess so." "Yueh! Yueh!" Hairball said, hopping up and down. "I wanna go Speed Square and shoot Can-can dancers!" "OK, Hairball," Yueh said, picking up Hairball and jumping down the tube for Speed Square. "Well," Jessie said, looking around, "that leaves Cid, Barret, Herr Püssy Wüssy and myself." "Hey, did you forget about me?" Shera asked, coming down from the docking bay. "C'mon, Cid. Let's watch the Chocobo races." "Uh, OK." Cid said, following Shera to the racing area. "Well, uh....." Jessie said, looking around. "Well, Barret, looks like it's just you, me, and the cat." "Actually, it's just you," Barret said, picking up the cat. "C'mon, kitty, let's go to Battle Square." They left, and Jessie was alone in the Station. "Ahhh, this sucks," she mumbled, sitting down in the corner. "I hate being alone, especially with the knowledge that Stilgar's my....." Meanwhile, Aeris and Warren were having a nice little ride on the tram, watching the sights of Gold Saucer drift by. "It's so pretty," Aeris said gazing out the window. "Yeah......" Warren said, staring into space. "Aeris, did you.... have any other relationships before me?" "Well," Aeris started. "First there was Zack, then there was Cloud, only once, mind you.... That's it, I guess." Suddenly, with a great shudder, the tram broke down. "Oh, great," Warren grumbled. "A breakdown in mid-ride. What now?" "There's an intercom over there," Aeris pointed out. Warren went over and turned it on. "Uh, hello? Hello, can anyone hear me? My date and I are stuck out here. Hello?" "Uh, (CRZZZZZZZ)" the operator said, "Yeah, we hear you.... (CRZZZZZ) We can get you out of there, but it'll take a couple hours." "A couple HOURS?" Warren asked. "Oh, man......" "(CRZZZZZZ) In the meantime, help yourselves to the emergency supplies in the bottoms of the seats," the voice said. It promptly shut off. "Well," Warren said, opening his seat up and looking in. "Over here, I have a box of 'Triscuts,' a Game Boy, and some crotchless underwear and a black kleenex." "Uh, that's Lingerie, Warren...." Aeris said, blushing like crazy. "Well, I can use the 'Triscuts.....'" Warren said. "What have you got over there, Aeris?" "Hmm....." Aeris said, looking into the seat. "Well, there's some ginger snaps, a gallon of water, and a switch that says 'bed.' Hmm. Lemme try this...." Aeris flicked the switch, and suddenly a big, satin-sheeted bed appeared in the middle of the tram. "I think they're implying something....." Aeris said, her face going as red as an overripe strawberry. "Ummmmm......" Warren said, blushing like a red apple, "I'll.... use the Game Boy on THIS side of the room." "I suppose I'll eat the ginger snaps," Aeris said. "....on THIS side of the room." Meanwhile, things were wild at the Chocobo races. "COME ON, YA DIRTY DOG!" Yuffie screamed from the stands. "GIVE OL' BLACKIE THE WHAT-FOR!" Unfortunately, Ol' Blackie won that race. Yuffie sank back in her seat and grouched. "(Sigh).... How many bets have I won, Lou?" "None," Lou said. "And you have just enough gil for one more bet." "What's the next chocobo called?" Cid asked. Shera and he had sat down next to Lou and Yuffie. "The leaflet just says 'Big Butt Gold,'" Lou said. "It's a Class S Gold racer, and the stakes are high that it'll win." "Well, let's bet on 'im!" Yuffie said, handing her 200 gil to the booky. "200 on BBG, please." "What exactly is Big Butt Gold famous for, anyway?" Lou asked Cid. "Big Butt Gold is the race chocobo that won the Chococup Races 5 years in a row," Cid said. "He's known for his big butt and his high-fiber diet. They even wrote a song after him called 'No More Pretzels for Big Butt Gold.' Wanna hear it?" "Er, I'll pass....." Lou said. "Shhh!" Yuffie said. "The race is starting!" They all watched as the 6 chocobos flew across the tracks. "Uh-oh," Shera said, "BBG is falling behind." "Not for long," Yuffie said, pointing. "There he goes!" They all watched as BBG used a supercharged fart to propell himself to the front of the race, causing the other birds (and riders) to pass out. "Yay, BBG wins!" Lou cheered. Yuffie collected her money at the wagering counter and the group left to go to another area of the park. "Hey, let's go see how Cloud and Tifa are doing," Lou said. They all went into Wonder Square and went to the 3D Rockamsockam Fighter game. Tifa was knocking the crap out of Cloud. "Aww, I lost again!" Cloud mumbled. "OK, let's do something else.... hey, Lou." "Hi, you guys," Cid said, lighting up a cigarette. "Enjoying yourselves?" "Immensely," Tifa said, grinning with pride. Cloud just smiled and shook his head. "Say, have any of you seen Jessie?" Yuffie asked. "Jessie? No....." Tifa said. "Why?" "Well, I heard from another dude that a man with a gun-arm and his cat are jammin' at the Battle Square, but I don't think he said anything about Jessie." "Relax," Cloud said. "I know this joint. All the tickets have ID numbers that match up to the person's name. I can just ask at this terminal over here." He pushed a button on the computer next to the "Mog House" game. "Computer, locate Jessie Heartfelt, please." "(BEEP) Jessie Heartfelt is at the bar," the computer blipped. "Have a nice day." "The bar?" Cid asked. "What'd she wanna go there for?" They all walked down to the bar and looked around. There sat Jessie, blind drunk and gulping down her third glass of hard vodka. "....Jessie?" Cloud asked, sitting down next to her. "You OK?" Jessie slowly lifted her head and looked at Cloud. She then leaped backwards. "GNOMES!" she yelled. "No, Jessie," Lou said. "It's me, Lou. What're you doing here?" "Ain't it obvious?" Jessie asked in slurred tones. "I'm....drinkin'. No one wanted ta' go with me, so I jes' came here." "You mean Barret didn't ask you to go with him?" Tifa asked. "No, he jes' took the cat and left," Jessie said. "I ain't got no one ta' be 'round. I ain't got no boyfriend or nuthin, an' my daddy...." "Your dad?" Cid asked. "What about your dad?" "...STILGAR'S my dad, that's what, fat stuff!" Jessie said, then slammed her face into the counter and started bawling. "What?! Stilgar's your father?!" Yuffie asked. "Man, and I thought MY dad was weird." "Is that why he teleported you to his castle earlier?" Cloud asked. "Uh-huh....." Jessie sniffled. "My own dad, blowin' up his own village, killin' off so many innocent people..... Oh, man..... This is bad..... $#@#......" "Wow....." Lou said. "That IS something to be worried about. But don't you worry, Jessie. We're your friends, and we'll help you." "(Sniff) thanks, guys." Jessie got up and looked around. "Hey, where're Barret and Yueh and Hairball and Warren and Areis?" "Hey, guys!" Barret said, coming in with Herr Püssy Wüssy in his arms. "The fights got boring, so we decided to come here. 'Srong, Jessie?" "Her dad is....." Tifa explained. "No kiddin'? %$#$, that's rough," he said, shaking his head. "We're back!" Hairball said, bouncing into the bar with Yueh behind him. "We heard everything," Yueh said. "Think good thoughts, Jessie." "That leaves Warren and Aeris," Shera said. "I think I heard them say that they went on the tram." "The tram broke down," Cloud said. "I guess they're stuck." "Aeris and Warren, stuck in a tram together?" Yuffie said. "Oooh.... I can only imagine what's happening." "Got any threes?" Warren asked, shuffling his cards around in his hand. "Go fish," Aeris said. "Man, this is so boring. I wish we had some music." "OK," Warren said, hopping over the bed. He went to the intercom and turned it on. "Hello, hello! Engine room? Think we could get some music up here?" "(CRZZZZ) Oh, sure. Hang on. We'll play the 'emergency tape.'" The voice stopped, and a tape began playing. "Good. A little music ought to lighten the mood here," Aeris said. "Let's talk about sex~" the tape crooned. "Don't bet on it," Warren grumbled. "This is gonna take a while." Aeris flopped back on the bed. "Warren, um....." she started. "Don't say it," Warren said. "I'm not gonna do that on the first date." "But it's not like we don't know each other," Aeris said. "We've been friends for, what, a month now?" "No, I'm not ready." Aeris sat back up. "OK. I'll respect your wishes. But what about kissing?" Warren turned around slowly. "Now that I can do," he said. "I'll have to work on an anti-STD/Pregnation pill for the other one, but kissing I can do." "Well then," Aeris said, closing her eyes and puckering up. "You're awfully cute when you do that," Warren said, blushing. Warren sat down on the bed next to her and kissed her. "Mmmmm," Aeris said. "I guess they're right." "Huh?" Warren asked. "The nerdy, ugly, unshaven brainiacs do kiss the best." "Well," Warren said, grinning from ear to ear. "I guess that officially makes up a couple, huh?" "I suppose so....." Aeris said. "I'm sorry, sir," the operator said. "The tram is damaged, and it'll take a few more hours to fix." "Aww, geez," Yuffie said. "We can't leave with out Warren and Aeris." "I wonder what they're doin' in there?" Cid asked aloud. "Here," the operator said, handing Lou a little walkie-talkie. "You can hear and communicate with the people in any tram ride. Try it." "OK," Lou said, turning the walkie-talkie on. The sounds coming from it sounded like a lot of grunting from two wild boars, one having a high voice. "Ummmmmm," Barret said, scratching his head. "Can we change the channel now?" Jessie asked. "OK......" Lou said, changing the frequency. "Bingo! It's Aeris and Warren, and they're..... hmmm.... sounds like they're..... playing cards?" "Help, help!" someone behind Lou yelled. "Monster! Monster!" People were running out of Gold Saucer, screaming like they were posessed. Cloud managed to grab one of them. "What's happening?" he asked. "There's a man with a gun on his left arm trashing the theater!" the guy said. He then ran towards the nearest transport back to North Corel. "Man with a gun on his left arm?" Tifa asked aloud. "......Dyne!" "Dyne?!" Barret yelped. "Dyne's still alive?!" "I'd bet so," Yuffie said. "Stilgar probably brought him back." "What difference does it make?" Lou said. "Let's get to the theater!" The remaining party arrived at the theater just in time to see Dyne putting his gun to Don Corneo II's head. "You're gonna be in the big opera house in the sky, Corny...." Dyne wheezed. "Please! I can't die yet! I haven't paid my phone bills....." Corneo whined. "Dyne!" Barret yelled, using his gun-arm to knock Dyne's gun away from Corneo's head. "That's enough!" "So, Barret....." Dyne snarled. "We meet again." "This isn't about Barret, is it?" Yuffie asked. "He's already had to take down Veinz. Don't push him!" "No, I'm through with Barret," Dyne said. "My prime target is.... You, Jessie!" "Wha?!" Jessie asked. "What do you mean?" "Master Stilgar has big plans for you, Jessie," Dyne said. "Very big plans." He shot a giant net out of his gun and snagged Jessie. "Hey, lemme go!" Jessie cried. She wriggled and writhed, but it didn't work. "What are you gonna do with Jessie?!" Tifa asked. "Stilgar's gonna make sure that his daughter's by his side.... whether she wants to be or not!" Dyne used a little device to open a portal, and threw Jessie in. It closed shut. "Jessie!" Barret yelled. "%$@#! Dyne, why you gotta mess everything up?!" "Shut up," Dyne said, reloading his gun. "Now I'm gonna serve up some pain. Who's first?" "How dare you pick on Jessie!" Yueh shouted, drawing his sword. "I am angry." "You hurt Jessie!" Hairball said, bouncing around furiously. "That bad! I'm angry!" "Prepare yourself!" Dyne said. "You an' me, Lou. One on one." "(Sigh)..... OK, Dyne. You've got yourself a match," Lou said, drawing his hammer. Dyne started firing nails from his gun. They whizzed past Lou quicker than he could blink. One grazed his left elbow. "Owww......" Lou choked, grasping his arm. "That hurt!" "Of course it did, you blithering dolt!" Dyne chortled, readying his gun. "You really are a jerk, thinking you could stand up to me OR Stilgar. You're history, bum boy!" This got Lou right in the heart. "I.... am not a bum," he said cooly, and leaped into the air, brandishing his hammer. He struck Dyne in the chest and again in the chin. Blood jumped out of Dyne's mouth as he sank to his knees. "You..... you......" Dyne gurgled. "You don't seem to realize.... what kind of.... dream this is..... Gya ha ha..... What a fool....." He fell to the ground and became a Lost Soul tree. The device that opened the portal clattered to the ground in front of Yuffie. "We can use this to get Jessie back," she said. "....Lou, what's wrong? What was that about a dream?" ".............." Lou shook his head. "Garrrrr!" Barret said, waving his arms around. "Come on, let's go! Jessie needs our help! Yuffie, hit the switch already!" Yuffie hit the little button and a wormhole opened up. "Hurry up, guys! We've gotta save Jessie!" Tifa said, diving head-first into the wormhole. Everyone followed except Lou. Yuffie turned around before she went in. "Lou? You OK?" she asked. "............................ I'm fine," Lou said. "Let's go help Jessie." They dived into the wormhole and it vanished. Don Corneo II stood up. "Did I miss something?" he asked. The group (Shera had gone back to the Phoenix in case of an emergency) landed on a platform in the center of a subterranean magma chamber. Lava bubbled underneath them and the odor of sulfur was almost unbearable. "Oh, God!" Cid said, covering his nose. "Smells like a thousand people just farted at once!" "Say, didn't we forget someone?" Lou asked. "(CRRRZZZZZ)Warren to Lou, Warren to Lou, do you read me?" the walkie-talkie blipped. "Roger, Warren. I read you," Lou said. "Where are you guys?" "(FRZZZCRACKLE)The tram was fixed and we're back on the ground. Where are you?" "We're in a magma chamber. Care to join us?" "You know it," Aeris said in the background. "Hit it!" Lou pressed the button, and the wormhole opened, with Warren and Aeris bouncing out of it to join them. "Thank goodness!" Warren said. "I thought you guys had left without us." "Leave without you? Give me a break," Tifa said. "Why would we forget our only scientist?" "Naturally..... Where's Jessie?" Aeris asked. "Stilgar's got her. We're gonna get her back," Cloud said. "I'm guessing that Stilgar's got a hidden base somewhere in this chamber." "What makes you say that?" Hairball asked. "The big door over there with the big Stilgar statues on both sides," Cloud said, pointing. "Oh. Heh.... I knew that," Hairball said, blushing. They all walked over and walked into the fortress. It was dark and musty and still hot. A laser field appeared, blocking their way. "Pretty tricky....." Cloud said, looking around. "Yo, Warren!" Barret said. "You're the inventor. You got something that'll help us out?" "Well," Warren said, pulling out a small disco ball, "I do have this...." He threw the ball into the middle of the field, and the lasers went down. The cannons that were operating the lasers were destroyed. "Not bad, Neddy the Nut," Yuffie said, winking. "Come on!" They ran through the dark halls, turning every which way until they reached a fairly large room. "Hmmm...." Yueh said. "It is much bigger here than in the corridors. Why?...." "This is a weapons testing room," Cloud said, looking around. "I can just make out a giant mech on that side of the room over there.... Wait! Someone's coming towards us...." Everyone waited tensely as the figure stepped out of the shadows. Then everyone gasped. It was.... "Jessie!" Barret exclaimed. Jessie stood there. Her eyes were colored black, and she had a very angry expression. "Jessie?......" Lou asked. "You OK?" "You actually thought you could beat my father...." Jessie snarled. "How dare you. I trusted you guys...." "Jessie, snap out of it!" Aeris said. "Goodbye, Lou...." Jessie said, producing a remote control. She hit a few buttons, and the giant mech in the back of the room came to life. It lurched forward, producing a large opening in its center. Jessie hopped in and began to operate it herself. Its cannons armed themselves, and its great gargoyle wings opened up. "Forgive me, Lou!" she cried as she dove at him. "Gweaaaaa!" Lou yelped, diving out of the way. "Jessie, what's gotten into you? It's me, Lou!" "I don't think she's in a talking mood," Warren said, backing up. "Pretty lady, stop!" Hairball cried. "Jessie!" Barret yelled. Lou was evading Jessie's attacks pretty well, but once the mech started firing missiles, he had a tougher job ahead of him. These missiles were locked on to his DNA, and he couldn't shake them off. "Help!" he yelled. "These things are gaining on me!" "Hold on, Lou!" Yuffie yelled, tossing her shuriken like a massive boomerang. These knocked the missiles around a bit, but they still persued Lou relentlessly. "I'll lend a hand!" Barret said, firing a few shots from his cannon. These didn't do squat. "Here I come," Yueh said. "TORNADO LIMIT BREAK!" Once again, Yueh split into many pieces and whirled around, engulfing the missiles and safely disarming them. "Phew," Lou said. "Thanks, guys." "Don't thank us yet," Yuffie said, pointing. "We still have to deal with Jessie." "No problem," Lou said, leaping upon the giant mech and hammering away with his hammer. The mech started to crumple, and eventually started to explode, firing Lou off into a wall. He picked himself up slowly. "Unghhhhh....." he groaned. He then saw that Jessie was lying on the floor, battered and bruised. Her eyes weer closed. "Jessie!" Lou said, running to her. He knelt down in front of her. "Jessie...." he said. She slowly opened her eyes. "Lou...." she wheezed. "Hang in there, Jessie...." Lou said. "What.... happened? I don't remember a thing...." "Stilgar nabbed you and brainwashed you. You're in pretty bad shape." "I.... hurt you....." Jessie said, looking at Lou's bleeding lip. "S-sorry, Lou...." She closed her eyes again and sighed long. "Jessie? Jessie?!" He shook her. No response. "Oh, no. Is she dead?" Barret asked. Warren took out a stethoscope and listened. "No, she's alive... barely. We need to get her to a hospital right away." "Where's a hospital around here?" Aeris asked. "There's one in Mideel," Cloud said. "That's quite a ways to go, though.... Wait a minute!" He pulled out the warp-maker that Dyne had had, and punched in some coordinates and hit a button. "We can get there right away with this!" he said. "Come on, Lou. Bring Jessie!" Lou picked her up with both arms and dashed through the warp along with the rest of the group. They landed outside the clinic (Mideel had been rebuilt since the Lifestream eruption) and went in. The doctor was quite surpsised to see this entire group of people hauling in one person, but he set to work right away. "The waiting is always the hardest time," Yuffie said, leaning back in her chair. "Everyone gets so worried." "I'll tell you what I'm gonna do," Cid said. "Cloud, gimme the warp thingy. I'm gonna go get the Phoenix. I'll bring it here so we can leave quickly." Cid dashed out the door, leaving the rest of the group to await Jessie's fate. "Man, what a mess I've gotten us into," Lou said, shaking his head. "I dragged all of you into this fight against Stilgar. Sorry." "Oh, don't give us that, Lou," Tifa said. "We wanted to come, all of us." "Don't even think you can act like Cloud and tell us to go home," Aeris said. "We're Jessie's pals, too," Barret said. "If she kin' survive a plate fallin' down, she kin' survive this." Lou sighed. Suddenly, the world around him dropped away, leaving him in a black void. He was sitting at a dimly lit table in this void. There was a man sitting across from him who he couldn't identify because of the lack of light. The man was munching on saltine crackers. "Well, now you're in trouble," the man said, crunching away and spluttering cracker crumbs on the table. "Your friend is hurt bad and you don't know if she'll recover. That's just to bad. Want a cracker?" "Um, I'll pass," Lou said. "Who are you, anyway?" "Who d'you think I am, stupid? I'm you." "You certainly don't look or sound like me," Lou said, squinting. "So, Lou...." the figure said, reclining in the chair and putting his grimy boots up onto the table, "are you enjoying your little adventure?" "Why do you ask me such things?" Lou asked. "Oh, yeah," the figure continued in a mocking voice, waving his arms around as if he was conducting a concert, "you're out on a journey to save the world, you have friends, a cute girlfriend, and people suddenly respect you. Tell me, Lou, wasn't it all just a little.... sudden?" "What do you mean?" Lou asked. "Why have things become so swell for you so quickly?" the figure said, munching on another cracker. "Why did Yuffie start to take a shine to you so suddenly? Why were you able to mend your past woes with Barret and Cloud so quickly? Hmm? Ever stop to think of that?" "What's your point, mister man?" Lou asked, leaning forward to try and get a better view of his taunter. "Have you ever thought, Lou," the man continued, "that maybe all this was just.... a dream, or a fantasy? Maybe it's just a figment of your imagination. Maybe you're just asleep back in your dump of a flat in Normoon, forced to watch old Sailor Moon reruns until the landlady pitches you out into the street, and you have to work at a meat-processing plant shoveling guts for a living? What if, in reality, Jessie died in the plate crushing and you had absolutely nothing to do with AVALANCHE? What if, Lou, what if your life..... is merely an illusion? What if you just dreamed it up to make up for the fact that you're a total loser and always will be?!" Lou sank back in his chair, a look of deep concern shadowing his face. "Think about it," the man said, getting up and walking off into the void, leaving a trail of cracker crumbs. "All a dream, huh?....." Lou asked himself. "I suppose it's possible, but....." "Hey, Lou," Yuffie's voice brought him back to the present. "What happened? You spaced out all of a sudden." "......Nothing, Yuffie," Lou said, shaking his head. "I guess I must've dozed off. What's happening?" "Nothing. You've been out 5 minutes," Yuffie said, settling down next to him. "(Sigh) I hope Jessie is OK....." Hours drifted by. Everyone went back and forth between worry and sleeping. "Man, why didn't I do something?!" Barret complained. "If I had asked Jessie to come with me, this wouldn't have happened!" "Don't diss yourself, Barret," Tifa said, socking him in the shoulder. "Yeah, everyone's responsible for this in one way or another," Aeris said. "Say, for example, I could have jumped in front of Jessie and got snagged instead, but I didn't. Of course, that would put me where Jessie is now, but....." "Just shut up, you guys," Cloud grumbled. "We all feel awful about it anyway. Say, I brought my pocket TV, and they're having a Simpsons marathon on FOX. C'mon!" Jessie moaned softly and stirred in her bed. "Unghhhh...... Where am I?" she grumbled. The doctor entered the room. "Oh, I'm glad to see you're awake, miss Heartfelt," he said. "Your friends are here to see you." "Oh, my friends," Jessie said, smiling. "My friends! God, yes! It's a great feeling to know that one can be supported and comforted by her amigos!" Lou and Hairball stepped into the room. Jessie frowned. "You're it?" she asked. "They're watching a Simpsons marathon," Lou said. Jessie gave a disappointed sigh. "Oh, well. You guys are good enough." "Relax, Jessie," Hairball said, hopping onto her bed. "Hairball's glad you're alive!" "Heh heh heh," Jessie laughed softly. "If I can survive a plate crushing, I can handle this." "What happened up there anyway?" Lou asked. "Stilgar must've done something to you, the way you came at us." "Yeah, he....." Jessie strained to sit up. She then realized that she was once again in her birthday suit by the way Lou reacted. "EEEEEYAAAGH!!!" Lou cried, almost falling off the side of the bed. "God, Jessie! You must get a kick out of doing that!" "Well, it's not like you're all high and innocent," Jessie scoffed. "Remember that time I walked in on you when you were....." "OK, OK!!!!" Hairball yelped loudly. "Jessie, you were sayin' what Stilgar did to you. What did he do? Tell us before we go off on a tangent!" "OK, OK....." Jessie said, pulling the covers over her body. "After I fell through the warp, I landed in a large room, where I came face-to-face with Stilgar. He laughed and said something about 'finally having his offspring at his side.' He also said something about 'the time drawing near in the three temples....'" "Three temples?" Lou asked aloud. "Heard of them, of course..... Three temples that the Cetra built to house their knowledge and power. One up on a high mountain that almost touches the stars, one in a deep volcano, and one deep under the sea. I've heard each one is guarded by a WEAPON-robot-beast-thingy." "Well," Jessie said, "he mumbled something about the ultimate powers of the Cetra, and then a lightning bolt went off in my head. The next thing I know, my body wasn't being controlled by me, and I was fighting you guys...." She started to cry. "I didn't want to! Honest! Oh, Lou..." "Easy, easy...." Lou said, putting his arms around her. "It's OK, it's OK. Everything's gonna be just fine-" "Hey, Lou!" Yuffie said, entering the room. "Is Jessie......oh." "Uh, er, how to say...." Lou said, blushing like crazy. "It's just.... ah.... er...." "He was just giving me a shoulder to cry on," Jessie said. "Yeah," Yuffie said, smiling playfully, "a really BIG shoulder." "Look," Jessie said, "you three go out and explain the situation to the others, and I'll get dressed." So Lou and Hairball explained what Jessie said to the others. "Well, looks like we have our work cut out for us," Cloud said. "It sounds hard," Yueh rumbled, "but if we can stop Stilgar before he goes to these temples, we won't have to deal with them." "Good idea," Cid, who had come back with the airship, said as he walked in on the conversation. "No sense in doing alot of stuff when we can just head straight for the root of the problem!" "Jessie's going to need a few days to rest," the doctor said, "so why don't you stay here for a bit?" "Sounds good," Barret said. "I could use some rest." "Uh, mister Highwind," the doctor said, "could I see you in the back for a second?" "Oh, sure," Cid said, following the doctor. They walked into a room in back. "Mr. Highwind," the doctor said, "I was looking over your medical records. Are you SURE you're breathing?" "What're you saying, doc?" Cid asked. "Your body is poo-poo," the doctor said bluntly. "You have 6 days to live......" "WHAT?!" Cid said, hyperventilating. "....Unless you quit smoking." "Quit.... smoking?" "Cold turkey. Zip." "You mean actually, factually QUIT smoking?" "...Or croak." Cid spat the cigarette out of his mouth. "Do you have a treatment for nicotine addiction?" "Well, I have these patches...." the doctor said, giving Cid one. "One a day for 5 weeks ought to stop the cravings....." Cid ate the patch. "I guess it's an aquired taste...." he said. The doctor shook his head. "(This is the kind of thing they never warn you about in med school....)" The doctor found another way to get Cid to quit smoking. He tied him to a chair in an empty house in nothing but his underpants. "Someone will need to stay with him at all times," the doctor said. "Him," everyone said, pointing at Lou. Lou sighed angrily. "Oh, OK....." "You're so brave!" Yuffie said, choking back a sob and throwing her arms around him. "I love you, man!" Lou grabbed a bike helmet and his hammer. "God... is my copilot," he said. The next day, Lou tied Cid up in his chair to begin the 12-hour curative process. "All right, Lou," Cid said. "When was the last time I had a smoke?" "54 minutes ago," Lou said. "I'm in control, and I'm feeling swell," Cid said, grinning. "Man, I'm gonna ACE this!" ".....55 minutes," Lou said. "Get me a %$@# cigarette before I stick you on a propellor," Cid growled. "C'mon, Lou, this isn't funny! I need a smoke, Lou. My head is spinning..... I'm feeling queezy.... My feet are turning into puddles!" Cid started yelling and hopping around in his chair. "(Sigh)..... Into the abyss," Lou said. Cid started to hop towards him. "Now, Cid, easy, buddy," Lou said, backing up. "I SAID I wouldn't let you have any of these coffin nails! CID!" Lou ran towards the bathroom and hid behind the door. "Now look here, Cid," he yelled, "this is completely childish, this behavior of yours. Calm down and sit back down!" Cid was hopping towards him with an axe in his mouth. Lou quickly shut the door and got out his hammer. An axe blade crashed through the door. "Just think," Lou muttered, "just about now I'd be sitting back with a root beer and watching Mega Man......" The axe broke the door open, and Cid hopped in. His eyes were wild and bloodshot, and from his mouth there dribbled a thick froth. Lou was nowhere to be seen, but there was a telephone cord leading into the toilet. Cid got up and started stomping on the top of the toilet. "WHERE'D YA HIDE 'EM?!" he yelled crazily. The Mideel police recieved a phone call. The second in command picked it up. "Hey, chief," he said to the chief, "we've got a phone call from a 16-year old kid who says he's calling from inside a toilet bowl. He says that there's a madman stomping on top of the toilet, threatening his life." The chief looked up from his donut. "Is it urgent?" he asked. "Is it urgent?..... I see." He looked back at the chief. "He says that he's so nervous that he's running out of drinkable water." "Hang up," the chief said, and then went back to planning how to tell his wife that he'd rather go bowling than have dinner with her. "Arrrrrgh!" Lou cursed in frustration as the phone clicked off. Suddenly, the seat opened up. Cid had broken out of the chair. Out on the hill everyone was watching the house with a pair of binoculars. "Do you see anything, Warren?" Aeris asked. "No, nothing yet, but..... Wait! I see Cid! He's at the window...." Warren peered closed. "He's frothing at the mouth! He has Lou by the neck! He's yelling something....." "Yueh, you have good hearing," Yuffie said. "What's he yelling?" Yueh listened very intently for a second. ".....'A carton of..... Camels.... by noon..... or..... Hammerboy hauls it to....uh.... purgatory!'" "Oh, NO!!!" Yuffie said. "We've gotta help Lou!" "Are you kidding?!" Cloud asked. "I'm not going in there!" "Count me out," Tifa said, shaking her head. "....Uh, I don't like violence," Aeris said. They all spent an hour arguing about this. "OK, OK," Yuffie said. "Look, let's all go at once. Cid can't bean more than one person at a time." "Are you sure?" Jessie asked. "I thought he had a 'Slash-All' Materia in his spear." "Come on, you wusses!" Yuffie said. "Lou's stuck his neck out for you guys more than once. We OWE him." "Oh, all right," Aeris said. "I'm with you, Yuffie." Nobody else wanted to come, so Yuffie and Aeris went down to the house alone. They got there just as Lou was coming out the door. "Lou! Quick! Run, before he comes after you!" Yuffie cried. "Relax, Yuffie....." Lou said, holding up his hand and panting like a madman. "Cid.... has calmed down.... I found.... a cure.... for nicotine withdrawl." They went inside and saw Cid lying down on the couch, watching the 6-hour Teletubbies marathon on PBS (includes pledge breaks). He looked quite brainwashed. "Unghhh..... Unghhhh....." Cid moaned as a river of drool oozed down the side of his mouth. "Again, again.... For $300, you get a t-shirt......" The doctor came in. "Excellent! He's cured! Lou, you could be a great doctor!" "Really?" Lou asked. "Thanks, sir." "Now all he needs is rest. I'd recommend that you fly the airship until he fully recovers." "OK," Aeris said. "C'mon, Cid, Let's go outside." They had to redress him, and when they went outside, Cid freaked out. "AHHHHH!!!!!" he said, pointing at the sun. "What's wrong, Cid?" Yuffie asked. "Something up with the sun?" "Sun?......." Cid asked. "Not.... flaming.... baby head?....." "No, not flaming baby head," Lou said. "Ease up, pal." The next few days were spent flying around asking where the last tool was. "Well, this has lead us to a great big wall, hasn't it?" Lou asked at a meeting in the cafeteria. "Anyone have any suggestions?" "Moon crystal POWER!!!" Yuffie said in slurred phrased, holding her arm up in the air. "Yeah," Tifa said. "How about 'Tifa doesn't let Yuffie into her room when she's paining her dresser?'" "Um..... Good idea." "Mercury crystal POWER!!!!" Yuffie yelled drunkenly. Cid lolled at her. "Mercury crystal power?" he asked. "Mercury crystal POWER!!!!" Yuffie yelled. "Mercury crystal POWER!!!" Cid mimicked. "How about 'since Cid is still rehabilitating after his Teletubby brain-drain, he not be around Yuffie?'" Warren asked. "Another good idea!" Lou said. "I know!" Cloud said. "We can ask Vincent where the last tool is!" "Vincent?" Yueh asked. "Vincent Valentine. He's a former Turk, and he was on the trip with us last time. Yuffie, you remember him, don't you?" "Vincent crystal POWER!!!" Yuffie yelled. "Vincent crystal POWER!!!" Cid mimicked. "I'll take that as a 'yes,'" Cloud said. "Oh, wow, it's Tuxedo Mask....." Yuffie mumbled, then fell asleep right on the table. She snored loudly. "Again, again!" Cid said, clapping his hands. "This program was made possible by viewers like you. if you prefer, mail your pledge to...." "Ummmmm," Jessie said. "Let's, ah, go see Vincent, OK?" The Phoenix flew towards Lucreica's Cavern, Vincent's new home. The ship landed, and they all got out. Yueh and Hairball immediately stepped backwards. "Big.... lake....." Yueh stammered. "Really big lake!" Hairball cried. "Mommy!" "Oops," Cloud said. "Did I, uh, forget to mention that?" They walked towards the cave entrance, when suddenly, the ground gave way beneath them and they all fell into a pit. "Owwwww, my spine!" Warren cursed. "My back!" Tifa moaned. Her shirt then ripped again. "My nards!" Cloud yelled. "GYAAAAGH!!! Well, I won't be having kids anytime soon. Sorry, Tifa." A shadow appeared over the party, a shadow of a man with long hair, a cape, and a claw on his left arm. "Who.... are you?" he asked, pointing a gun at them. "Yo, Vince!" Barret yelled. "It's us! Cloud an' Tifa an' Barret! Don't you remember us?" Vincent paused for a moment. He then lowered his gun. "Oh, you guys. Hi. Sorry about that," he said. "Here, come on up and come into my cave." Everyone was able to crwal out of the hole except Jessie and Yuffie. Vincent leaned down to help Jessie up. As she came into the light, Vincent looked shocked. "Whoah," he said. "What's wrong?" Jessie asked. ".....Nothing," Vincent started. She looks just like Lucrecia, he thought to himself. "Huh," Jessie said, shrugging, and walked into the cave. Lou went back to the hole. "Hey, Yuffie! You need help?" he called. "Tunnelman needs no help!" Yuffie said. "Vroom vroom vroom!...... Uh..... Help?" After everyone got situated in Vincent's cave, they started talking. "I haven't seen you guys in a long time," he said. "A lot of things have changed since we parted ways, no?" "Yeah," Aeris said. "I'm alive, for example." "I am glad," Vincent said, nodding appreciatively. "Anyway, mister Vincent," Lou said, standing up. "We came to ask you something. Would you happen to know where the last of the Tools is?" "Hmmm...... You said you already had the 'Drill Blueprints' and the 'Ruby Capsule,'" Vincent said, brushing his hair. "I think that the last piece you need is the 'Tank Treads.' Those are high up in the Great Glacier, near Shinra's new headquarters, Pseudo-Midgar. It's pretty tough up there, so I'll come with you." "Sounds good," Tifa said. "I'm glad to have you back!" "I am glad to be back," Vincent said. "Let us go. Time is of the essence." Back at the Phoenix, the group set to work building a new room for Vincent. "All right, Vincent," Warren said. "Here's your brand new room, with all your stuff placed in it." Vincent looked in. There were spider webs in all the corners, the window was boarded up shut, and there was a coffin in the center, near a TV and a food creator. "I feel right at home," he said. "Thank you." "No problem," Warren said. "Well, if you need anything-" "I do," Vincent said. "Who is that girl with the bandana?" "Her? Oh, that's Jessie. She's a technician." "Jessie......" Vincent said, practically tasting the name in his mouth. "Thank you, Warren." The ship took off for Icicle Inn and since it would take 3 days, the group decided to hang out for a bit. "Where're you going, Aeris?" Yuffie asked, seeing Aeris walking through the hall in her bathing suit with a bottle of sunscreen. "Oh, I'm going to go suntanning on the deck with Tifa and Jessie," Aeris said. "Wanna come?" "Oh, sure! Just let me get my suit...." Yuffie dashed back to her room, got her bathing suit and umbrella, and joined the girls on the deck. "I suppose we could talk about stuff now," Tifa said, slipping on her shades. "Like what?" Jessie asked. "I don't know," Tifa said, "maybe about... you know.... GIRL stuff. I don't get a chance to talk about it much." "Yeah, you're right," Aeris said. "What could we talk about?" "Well, there's always the old 'one time at music camp' speech we could all give, or maybe we could talk about B-O-Y-S." "Hmmm," Yuffie said. "Sounds good. Okay, shoot." "Who, out of all our boyfriends, would you say is the 'Makeout King?'" "Uh," Jessie said, "consider this, Tifa; Unless we were truly disgusting, we couldn't answer that question." "Yeah, and you don't even have a boyfriend, Jessie," Aeris said. "You sayin' I should?" Jessie fumed. "N-no, I'm just stating it. It's a fact. Just don't start dancing with a computer-animated baby in your spare time." "Should we change the subject?" Yuffie asked. "To what?" "Ummmmmm, how 'bout the 'music camp' stories?" Warren was in his room, wearing an odd helmet and holding a controller. "Hey, Warren," Lou said, coming in. "I need to borrow a..... What are you doing?" "Hmm?" Warren said, standing up. "Oh, Lou! This is my latest invention; the 'You Were There' interactive version of 'Final Fantasy VII.' You can do whatever Cloud and his buds did when we weren't here." "Er..... How did you get the entire storyline?" "I swiped it from the game designers when they weren't looking." Suddenly, at Square Soft HQ in Japan, an employee burst out of his office. "Flaming Fujiyama!" he yelled. "I lost the script for 'Final Fantasy VII!'" "As if we still needed it," the boss said as he chewed on his sushi. "We're working on 'Final Fantasy IX' now." "What was that for?" Lou asked. "Beats me," Warren said. "Oh, heck. Wanna try it? I've got other games, too; 'Final Fantasy VI,' 'Chrono Trigger,' 'Mega Man Legends,' 'Super Mario World,' 'Pokémon'....." "Red or Blue?" Lou asked. "Blue," Warren continued. "Look, there's even a memory card slot in the helmet." "Yo, I'll take 3," Barret said, sliding his three cards to Cloud as he, Cloud, Cid, Hairball, Vincent and Yueh played 5-Card Draw. "Dealer takes two," Cloud said, picking up two cards from the deck. "I'll see you and raise you 50 Gil," Cid said. Everyone tossed 50 Gil into the pot. "I call," Hairball said. "Lemme see your hands!" "Two pair," Cloud said, throwing down his hand. "Trash," Barret grumbled. "Flush," Yueh said. "For $500, you get a lovely three of a kind," Cid grumbled. "I've got all spades," Hairball said. "What've you got, Vincey?" "Hmmmm," Vincent said, looking over his cards. "It's the first time I've played this game. You tell me." He held out his hand, and everyone else gawked. "ROYAL FLUSH?!" Everyone else said in unison. "Is that good?" Vincent asked. When he saw the pot pushed towards him, he logged a 'Royal Flush' down in his head under the 'good' category. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZ," Aeris Z'd as the airship drifted lazily through the clouds. "SNARRRRRK," Tifa and Yuffie snored in unison. "Mmmbl mmbl... (I'll have the linguini with clams....)" Jessie mumbled. A bird flew by just then. It decided to relieve itself upon Tifa. She woke up with a start, ripping her bathing suit down the middle in the process. "AAAGH!" she yelled. "I'm bleeding marshmallow cream out of my hair!" "That's not marshmallow cream," Jessie said, waking up. "It's bird dookie." "Oh, God God God!" Tifa groaned. "How'm I gonna get back to my room now? I've got a split suit and white crap dripping down my face!" "Relax, relax," Aeris said. We'll all help." The girls snuck down through the ship unnoticed until they reached the poker game. "Hey, Aeris!" Cloud said. "What're you girls doing? What's Tifa doing in the middle of you guys?" "Uh......." Aeris said, becoming bright red. "PLAN B!" she yelled. Yuffie, Aeris and Jessie flashed the boys while Tifa made a run for it down the hall and into her room. "Aw, geez," Cloud said, covering his eyes. "Of all the stupid plan B's I've seen....." "Yuck," everyone else said in unison. "Ha ha ha....." the girls said, blushing like crazy and then taking off after Tifa. "Here we are!" Cid said as the ship set down outside the snowy fields. "Icicle Inn!" "Yaaaay!" everyone cheered. It had been a boring, uneventful flight except for all the stuff that was written above. They stepped out into the cold, and everyone instantly got goose bumps. "Gyaaaahhhh!" Hairball cried, grabbing his sides. "Hey, Lou! Why ya smokin'?!" "I'm not smoking," Lou said, "I'm breathing." "He-e-e-e-ey, Macarena!" Yuffie sang, still a bit tipsy from the paint fumes. "Let's go rest up at the inn," Cloud said. They set foot into the town. "I haven't been here for a long time," Aeris said, walking around. "Brings back memories." She walked into the house that had belonged to Professor Gast and Iflana. "Wow, it hasn't changed a bit," she said. "Here's my crib, there's my old toy chest, there's the spot I first threw up...." "Yo, what's this gotta do with anything?" Barret asked. "I'm still freezing." "Hmmmmm," Vincent said, brushing the dust off of some shelves. "There's some video CDs here." "Oh! My baby videos!" Aeris said, grabbing them all up. "Let's watch one!" "Oh, no," Warren grumbled, "home movies. How boring." "What was that?!" Aeris snapped. "Nothing," Warren quickly said. "She's tamed him fast," Cloud whispered to Tifa. Aeris popped the CD into the DVD slot and turned it on. "Birth of Aeris," the speaker announced. The scene shifted to a woman lying on her back, screaming in agony, and then the camera started to move downward.... "Ewwww," Lou said. "Can we watch something else?" Yueh asked. "Bleahhhhh," Hairball griped. "I'm a hairball, and I'm disgusted." "Let's just go to the hotel," Cid complained. "'Aeris's potty training' just started." They left just as baby Aeris mistook the cat box for the potty. After they spent the night in the inn, Vincent did some checking around and then returned to the group with their destination in hand. "OK, it looks like the easiest way to get to the next tool, the 'Tank Treads,' is to travel through Great Glacier and reach the summit of Gaea's cliff. Pseudo Midgar is there, though, so we'd better step lightly." "There's also Stilgar to take into consideration," Jessie said. "Dude," Barret said, "why're you so anxious to pop yer pop?" Jessie shook her head. "If he's my dad..... I'm going to find out, even if it kills me." ".........." Lou said. "How are we going to get to Great Glacier?" Cloud asked. "It's pretty far to it." "Cloud, don't you remember?" Tifa asked. "We can snowboard!" "Snowboard?!" Yuffie asked. "Ooh, I love snowboarding! It's one of the only vehicles I can ride without getting sick." "And WHERE, pray tell, are we going to get snowboards?" Aeris asked. "Ever heard of the rental shop?" Vincent asked. "It's right over there." The group trekked over to the shop and got 12 snowboards from the crabby old man that worked there. "You gonna go to Great Glacier?" he asked as they left. "Well, that's the plan," Hairball said. "Why, mister man?" "I wouldn't," he said. "First off, yes got Pseudo Midgar up where the Crater was, an' second, there're snowboarding gangs hangin' 'round..... They'll wanna race ya." "Well, you're you, and we're us," Yueh said. They all stepped out to the long snowboarding trail. "Man, I forgot how freakin' long this was," Cloud said, staring down at the expanse. "Well, what're we waiting for? Let's go!" Yuffie said, hopping on her board and starting to fly down the hill. "Wait up, Yuffie!" Lou said, hopping on his board and following her. "Banzai!!!" Jessie shouted, doing a backflip as she landed on her board and skidding down the hill. "Well, when in Rome," Warren said, preparing his board. "C'mon, Aeris!" Aeris slowly got on her board and slowly started down the hill. "I hate fast things," she complained. "Yueh, aren't you gonna use a snowboard?" Tifa asked. "He's MY snowboard!" Hairball said, hopping on Yueh's chest and both of them beginning the long descent. Everyone else followed suit. They all raced down the hills, occasionally wiping out, but usually reaching speeds of up to 100 MPH. "GWAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" Aeris said, covering her eyes. "I can't look!" Tifa's shirt ripped in half from the wind. "Tifa, wear a sweater," Vincent said, attempting to toss her one when he got on even ground with her. The wind caught it and it blew backwards and covered Barret's face. "Yo! What the %$#$'m I doin?!" he cursed, spinning out and hitting a tree. "Oops," Vincent said. "Sorry, Barret." They continued racing down the hill. "Man!" Warren said, his jaw flaps being pulled back by the wind. "What a rush!" At a flat surface about halfway down the hill, they were all able to stop and take a rest. "Vuoooooo....." Aeris whined, falling face-first into the snow. "Well, there it is, guys....." Cloud said, pointing to a huge, looming mountain in the distance. "Gaea's cliff!" "How are we ever going to climb that?" Jessie asked. "We climb," Yueh said, brandishing his sword and then putting it back in its scabbard. Suddenly, they heard laughing behind them. "Hey, what's that?" Lou asked. They turned around to see 10 or 11 snowboarders with leather jackets and funky hairdos. They were racing down the hill at blinding speeds. "It's that snowboarding gang!" Cid said. "Dangit! Just when I thought our luck couldn't get any worse...." The snowboarders surrounded the group. They dismounted their snowboards and leered at the newcomers. One of them spoke. "Well, well, well..... Lookit what we got here," he said in a pure New York accent. "Some new dudes that think they kin just sliiiiide down this hill. Well, your wrong!" "Are you the leader of this gang?" Lou asked. "Leader? Naw, I ain't the leader. Singin' Jackal's the leader. Hey, Jack! These guys wanna talk t'ya!" This punk stepped aside and another punk that looked like he came out of a Pirates of Penzance play approached. "THAT'S Singin' Jackal?" Cid asked. "He looks like a wacko." The pirate sucked in some air, and started to sing in a low alto; "IIIIIIII'm Singin' Jackal, you may think I'm wacko, but I'm strong as a lion, too I race this hill, I don't get a chill And I'll do mean things to you. I'll poke you in the eye and kick you in the knee and hit you with my sword; Though I be a racer swine, I hafta draw the line..... So I will not push you off your boaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrd!" "Yyyyyyyeah," Yuffie said. "What's this hafta do with anything?" "Arrrrr!" Singin' Jackal arrred in his best pirate voice. "You be tresspassin' on my private pirate property!" "Really? Hmmmmm...." Warren looked around. There were signs all over. Here is what they said. This turf belongs to the PIRATE BOARDERS! Turn back NOW! We mean BUSINESS! To advertise, call 1-800-AR-MATEY "I guess he's right," Hairball said. "Betcha can't say that three times fast!" Lou said to Singin' Jackal. "Pirate pirvate pooperty," Singin' Jackal stuttered. "Pervert picketfence pallbearer, plumpin' platsic pumpkins....." "You lose," Lou said, and hit Singin' Jackal with his hammer. After Jackal had recovered from this blow, he was quite angry. "Arrrrr!" he barked. "Arrrrr!!!!" Barret barked back. "Yeah? Well, ARRRRRR!!!!!!" Jackal yelled back. "ARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!" Barret yelled back. "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jackal bellowed back. "ARRRARRRARRRRARRRRARRRARRRAARRRRRRARRRRARRRRRARRRRARRRRARRRRARRRARRRARRARRARRARARRARARRRRRRR!!!!!!" Barret roared, starting to resemble the Tasmanian Devil. Jessie tapped him on the shoulder. "Too big," she said. "Oh. ARRRR!" "Better." "Arrrrr," Jackal said. "Who be ye?!" "Ye be we," Hairball said. "This's fun!" "ARRRRRR!!!!!" Jackal said, getting really angry. "Since ye be tresspassin', the only way to get down to Great Glacier be through a snowboarding race! First one to the bottom wins." "What if we lose?" Aeris asked. "I slit ye throats and decorate me snowboard with ye tracheas!" Jackal said. "Eewwww," Tifa said, making a face. "That sounds icky." "Do not worry," Yueh rumbled. "We shall win." "Ready?" Jackal cackled. "Let's go, pal!" Lou said, lining up at the starting line. The race began. Every pirate and party member went sailing down the hill, each attempting to pass the others. "Arrrr har har har har!!!!" Jackal said, firing his snowboard cannon at Barret. Barret swerved a little, but didn't waver or wipe out. "Dude! You got some guts doin' that!" he said, firing a few rounds from his arm cannon, which missed Jackal entirely, but knocked a few other pirates off their boards. "Hey, Jessie!" Vincent said, swerving his board to knock her out of the way. "Look out!" He said this because a pirate was whizzing down the hill with a bloody cutlass, ready to strike. Of course, now that Jessie and Vincent were out of his way, he tripped and started to roll down the hill, joining the other three pirates and rolling into a giant snowball. "Thanks, Vince," Jessie called as she did a 360 flippin' thing over a snow mound. "Arrrrr! Ye be clever, I'll give you that," Jackal said. swerving close to Hairball. "But ye can't deal with me hook, arr harr harr!" "Oh, yes I can, mister man!" Hairball said, retching puke into Jackal's face. "ARRRRRRRR!!!!!" Jackal said, swerving around on the hill, knocking his pirates off and into the giant snowball that was following. "Ye tryin' ta make me need an eye patch? Ain't gonna happen!" "Doesn't need to happen," Tifa said, flying past, pointing backwards. "Hasta la vista, baby!" Cloud said as he hit a sharp left and followed the rest of the group down to the base of Gaea's Cliff. Jackal cleaned off his face and looked around at the giant snowball. "ARRRRRR!!!!!!" he yelled as he got caught up in the ball and the whole thing went rolling down the hill and crashed into the cliff side. Jackal dug his way out. "Arrrrr! Those landlubbers be good boarders, says I......" he wheezed, and fell down face first in the snow. "Well, here we are....." Lou said, looking up at the immense cliff. "Good thing we can rest before we trek up," Aeris said, pointing at a little log cabin off to the side. "Of course! Mister Holzhoff!" Cloud said. "I forgot all about him!" Mr. Holzhoff was a bit surprised to see these 12 travelers at this hour, but he let them in to spend the night. They all stayed up late watching Mad TV. "HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!!!" Yuffie roared, slapping her thigh with her hand. "Oh, those 'CLOPS' really crack me up!" "ZZZZZZZZZZZZ," Cid said. "I'm tired," Aeris said, yawning and laying her head down in Warren's lap. "Good night." "I'm glad SHE doesn't snore," Vincent said. "SNIRRRRRRKARRRRRKIIIIIIIRRRRRRRR," Aeris snored. "You just HAD to say it," Lou said, shaking his head. "You just HA-A-AD to say it!!!" "There's something sexy about how she snores....." Warren said. "...............Yeah," Cloud said. "OK. Right. C'mon, Tifa, let's go to sleep." "No love making when we're all together, OK?" Barret said. "Geez, kids these days..... Wild an' crazy." "Well, EXQUIZE me," Yuffie said, and promptly followed Aeris's example and fell asleep curled up in Lou's lap. "SNORESNORTSNARRRRRRRK," she went. Lou drifted off to sleep eventually. He had a dream. In this dream, he was again sitting at this table with this man who nibbled on the crackers. "You still don't get it, do you?" the man said. "What should I be getting?" Lou asked. "This isn't real. None of it's real. You're just a loser that can't come to realize that you're just a nobody. The only thing that's real about this.... illusion, as it were, is the appearance of your babysitter." "Babysitter?......" Lou asked. "Oh, her! You mean.....: "Yes, Lou. The only thing real that you can cling to is your beloved nanny, who cared for you like the mother you never had, the one that suckled you and read to you and sang to you..... You know who she is. And she's soon to come." The man got up and started to walk away. "Everything else...... Yuffie, Stilgar, the very hammer you carry..... It's not real." Lou woke with a start and in a cold sweat. He just spent the rest of the night listening to Yuffie, Aeris, Tifa and Barret snore. Morning broke. KA-RASHHHHH!!!!!!!! "Funny," Lou smirked at the writer as he took in his breakfast. "I forgot to laugh." "Well, are we all set to go up the cliff?" Cloud asked the group. "MUMBLEGRUMMMMMMBLEMBLLLLHRRRRUMPH," everyone said at once. "Uh.... I'll take that as a yes," he said. They began the trek up the high cliff. Just before Lou was about to begin climbing, Mr. Holzhoff ran out of his house and yelled at them. "Stop!" he said. "It's too dangerous!" "Aw, shut up," Lou said, and kept climbing. They all threw themselves at the cliff with their best efforts, while occasionally pausing to raise their body temperature. "Whoo," Cid said, shivering. "Sure is %$#$in' cold up here." "Could be worse," Tifa said. Suddenly, a giant hole opened up underneath her and she fell in. "You HAD to say it!!!!!" Yuffie yelled after her. "I wonder where the hole leads....." Barret said, crouching in to get a closer look. "Hey, looks like an arena or somethin'.... Got a big ringd in the center that says 'Death Pit.'" "Oops," Vincent said. "Did I, ah, forget to mention the 'Death Pit Tournaments' are held on Gaea's Cliff?" "Yes," Cloud said with just a teency-weency hint of annoyance in his voice. (Riiiiight.) "Why do they want Big Booby Lady?" Hairball asked. "She's NOT 'Big Booby Lady,' Hairball," Lou scolded. "She's..... well.... uh......" "A big booby lady," Aeris cut in. "Anyway, what DID they want with Tifa, Vincent?" Vincent cleared his throat. "The 'Death Pit Tournament' is a very difficult and challenging battle. The loser is the one that falls into the Death Pit first. The winner then recieves a prize and a chance to sleep with some big hunky superstar. If you live through 5 rounds, you are declared the champion and are given a very special prize. Anyway, I believe they chose Tifa because of two reasons. First; she's well built for a 'Death Pit Tournament,' and second; because she's one hot babe. Men pay big money to see hot dames fight." "Well, whatever this is, I'm not letting them use Tifa!" Cloud said, prying at the now-sealed hole. Suddenly, two big security guards appeared. "I'm sorry, people," the guards said, "but the main entrance is over there." They pointed to a big skull-shaped doorway that had the words DEATH PIT written on it. "Well, that explains it," Lou said. "There's always a plan B." The group went in, bought tickets and sat down. "Oh, man," Cloud said, shaking his head. "I'm so worried about her." "Me to," Aeris said. "..... Lissen, I'm gonna make a run to the snack bar. Anybody want any popcorn?" Everyone raised their hand. "OOH! OOH! ME!" they all said at the same time. In the dressing room, Tifa came around. "Unghhhhh....." she said, sitting up. She saw a wiry little man staring at her. "Do not be alarmed," he said. "Alarmed? ALARMED?!" Tifa asked. "I've just taken a 10-foot pratfall, I have no idea where I am or where my friends are, I have a soggy bag of gummy bears in my pocket and you tell me not to be alarmed?!?!" "Ooh, she's saucy," the man said. "I like that in my fighters. I am Hala Penyo, the owner of Death Pit Stadium. You, my dear, have been chosen to be a fighter in our 'Death Pit Tournament.' Don't worry. You'll either die or win and be sleeping with the coolest superstars this side of Junon." "How the heck do I get outta this mess?!" Tifa asked. "Simple," Hala said, grinning. "Just win 5 battles in a row. You will then gain your freedom, and this....." He held up two big sets of wheels. "The 'Tank Treads!'" Tifa exclaimed. "Precisely. Now, go out there and fight. Oh yeah, you should wear this." He handed her a topless, crotchless bikini. "I take it that most of your audience is male," she grumbled. "You have something less revealing?" Hala sighed. "Oh, all right...." He gave her a regular bikini. "Just make sure you rip it like you usually do." "Hey, how did you know about that?!" Tifa asked. "Hey, I'm not stupid. I read the scripts, too." "Vincent," Warren asked, "What are the odds of Tifa surviving this?" Vincent looked at them. "Cloud, I hope you did not plan on doing anything with her this weekend," he said. "Those are..... bad odds," Yueh said. "Shhhh!" Jessie shushed. "It's starting!" The referee came out onto the field. "Gentlemen and.... gentlemen! Welcome to the Death Pit Tournament! Our first match. In this corner, that queen of confections, that sultaness of sweets..... Sugar Mommy!" The crowd roared as a big-boobed girl entered the stadium, swinging two candy canes like katanas. "Versus the challenger, the rookie from Nibelheim, Tifa Lockheart!" Tifa came out wearing the bikini and a very nervous look. Half the male population was drooling like mad. "Oh, come on," Cloud said, shaking his head. "This is nothing." "Really?" Cid asked. "Yeah. Once her top goes off..... THEN you'll see drooling." "The ladies will battle one-on-one with no time limit," the ref bawled. "BEGIN!" "I'm gonna carve up that pretty face of yours, girl!" Sugar Mommy yelled as she leaped at Tifa. Tifa artfully dodged this attack and came back with an uppercut to the stomach. "Don't you know that excess sweets will give you tooth decay, plaque and heart disease?" Tifa asked as she began her Beat Rush Limit Break. "You'll also get a pasty complexion, a flabby body, and your bladder will shrink, meaning that you'll have to relieve yourself more often than usual. So, if you wanna look like you are now, I'd recommend you change your name to 'Jeane the Veggie Queen!'" As Tifa landed her Final Heaven blow, Sugar Mommy went sailing into the Death Pit, which was a 10 foot hole with impaling spikes at the bottom. The sickening SCRSCHHHHT echoed through the stadium. "The winner!" The ref yelled, holding Tifa's arm up. "TIFA!" "YAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!" all her friends cried. "TI-FA! TI-FA! TI-FA!" The entire crowd took up this chant. "TI-FA! TI-FA!" Tifa blushed deeply. "Aw, shucks...." she said, and then her shirt ripped. Cloud had predicted right. The drool left a two-inch deep lake on the stadium floor. "Congratulations, Tifa!" Hala said, coming out. "Here is your prize for your first victory: A 'Bahamut' Materia! And the guy you'll spend the night with.... Leonardo DiMaprio from "Michanic!" Now it was Tifa's turn to drool. She leaped into the superstar's arms with a great "HELLO-O-O-O, NURSE!" "That's the one part of this I don't like," Cloud grumbled. "There, there," Aeris said. "They say that 'it' is as long as your finger, and that dude's got...... stubs for fingers. Besides, they check all the harlots for STD's or drugs." "Where'd you read that?" Warren asked. "The back of the popcorn box," Aeris said, pointing. "Oi," Lou said, fanning himself with his hat. "This's gonna be a LO-O-ONG chapter." After spending the night at Death Pit Inn, the group sat down for the second battle. "So, who wants popcorn today?" Aeris asked. "ME! ME!" everyone yelled. Aeris ran into Tifa at the snack stand. "Oh, hi, Tifa! Good luck in the fight today. Who're ya fighting?" "Some dude named 'Chef Bloodlet,'" Tifa said. "It's gonna be a knife fight." "I see.... By the way, Tifa, how was......?" "DiMaprio?! Ugh. Don't judge a book by its cover." After about 15 minutes, the battle was about to begin. "Laaaaadies and Gentlemeeennnnnnnn," the ref bellowed. "In this corner, the king of cutlery, the sultan of slicing..... Chef Bloodlet!" A tubby chef bounced out into the stadium, holding a giant knife. The crowed roared. "Aaaannnnnd in this corner, the sexiest fighter we have seen yet in this tournament, Tifa 'Iron Fist' Lockheart!" Tifa came out, wearing her bikini-like dress and clutching a jagged knife. The crowd roared again and made catcalls. Just to excite them, Tifa blew a kiss at Cloud. "Oh, sure. Single me out," Cloud muttered as he waved back with a bright red face. "The first one to stab the other to death or knock the other into the Death Pit is the winner. BEGIN!" the ref yelled, blowing his whistle. "Carve 'im up, Tifa!" Cid yelled. "The jugular! Go fer the jugular!" Barret hooted. "Make like Brutus and get him in the nards!" Jessie hollared. "You read way too much Shakespeare, Jessie," Lou muttered. Out on the stadium floor, the two competitors were circling each other. "I chop you up and throw you in bucket like fast food chicken!" Bloodlet taunted. "Yeah.... You and who's army?" Tifa retorted, circling fast and slashing her knife at his cooking hat. A giant rip appeared and the bun-like top of the hat fell off. The crowd cheered vigorously. "OOOOOHHHH!!! Now I KILL you!" Bloodlet started swinging like crazy, sending his knife every which way. One hit buried itself in Tifa's leg. "Owwwww!!!!!" Tifa howled in pain. Kneeling down to nurse her leg, Bloodlet kicked her in the face, sending her sprawling to the edge of the Death Pit. "TIFA!!!!" Everyone cried. "Do something, you moron!" Aeris yelled. "Will insulting help?" Lou asked. "It does on TV," Aeris said. "Besides, I've watched you play your 'Pokémon' game. You cuss at your Pokémon, and then they win." "Oh," Lou said. Then turned back to the action. "Come on, Tifa, you..... you..... uh..... uh...... Oh, forget it. I lost momentum." Bloodlet charged at Tifa, who grabbed him and flipped him over her. He went face-first into the Death Pit, and the sickening SPLAT could be heard all over the stadium. "Ewwwww," Yueh said, sticking out his great metal tongue. The ref came and helped her up. "The winner; Tifa 'Iron Fist' Lockheart!" he yelled. "TI-FA! TI-FA!" the stadium roared. "Congratulations, Tifa! Your second prize; a set of Ginzu Knives! They slice, they dice, they-" Tifa had passed out. They carried her off to the stadium clinic and put her to bed. "Bad joke," Hairball said, shaking his head. "Bad, BAD joke." The next day was round 3. When Aeris went for her usual popcorn rounds, she met Tifa at the snack bar again. "Hi, Tifa! What're you doing today?" "Unghhhh," Tifa mumbled, "I was so tired after yesterday's fight, I just fell asleep. They just sent a cat in to nuzzle my sore spots to make me feel better." "Uh....." Aeris said, "I asked you what you're doing today, not who you did last night." "Oh? Yeah. I'm in the fish-slapping part of the fight. I'm fighting some guy named 'Laughing Halibut.'" "Well.... Good luck." "A fish-slapping bout?" Jessie asked. "What does that do?" "Well," Warren said, reading the program. "It says that 'the aroma of the selected fish, when applied to the skin of an individual, increases sex appeal threefold. Though this method is extremely disgusting, many celebrities use it before attending sleazy, back-alley parties.' Aeris, do you know what this fish is called?" "It is called the schlumpf fish, and even though its name means 'smurf' in German, it can grow to be 5 feet long...... Lucrecia always wore 'Essence of Schlumpf Fish' perfume...... Oh, yeah, that was the stuff," Vincent reminisced as he explained it to Warren. "It's also known as the sexiest fish in the sea," Aeris said. "I tried some on once. Zack acted like he was drunk, but he hadn't a drop." "Can we PUH-LEASE get on with this story?!" Yuffie asked. "Welcome to round 3 of Death Pit Tournament!" the announcer barked. "This is the fish-slapping portion of our program. In this corner, the sexiest fish-slapper we have ever known, LAUGHING HALIBUT!" The crowd roared as Halibut entered the stadium. Several women fainted because of the schlump fish he was carrying. "I told you it works," Vincent said, after noticing Yuffie's eyes had turned to vibrating pink hearts. "Aaaaannnnnnd in this corner, a newcomer who has battled greatly to this round, TIFA LOCKHEART!" Tifa emerged, wearing her little purple bikini and holding the biggest damn schlumpf fish anyone had ever seen. "Oboyoboyoboyoboyoboyoboy....." Cloud garbled, following Yuffie's heart-eye example. "I guess the attraction depends on which gender is holding it," Yuffie said. "Lou? Lou....? Yo, Lou!" "Wha? Huh?" Lou asked, ceasing to stare wildly at Tifa's breasts. "Er.... I thought I saw a loose thread on her bikini." The battle began. "You are so beautiful...." Halibut said, leering at Tifa. "Too bad that I must slay you to win this!" He slapped her hard with his fish. "Why you.... Handsome hunk of a man...." Tifa said, decking Halibut with her fish. "Argh! Your hair is like flowing, rich fudge....." Halibut said, belting her across the face. "You're so.... symmetrical," Tifa said, slamming her fish into Halibut's teeth. "I can smell it." "Yeah? That's probably not the only thing you smell," Halibut said, smashing the fish's fins into Tifa's stomach. "The object of this fight is not to knock your opponent into the Death Pit, but to make him die of desire......." "Well, I guess you're dead, then!" Tifa said, slapping Halibut in the nards. "Ooooooh, your lips are as red as tomato sauce...." Halibut said, trying not to give in, "your skin is like a flowing river of melted pink crayons..... Your nose is so small that it looks like a bon bon....." "How flattering," Tifa said, slapping Halibut again. "I.... I can't stand it...." Halibut said, his eyes crossing. "I.... must have you!..... Ark!" He fell down in a coma. "Winner! TIFA LOCKHEART!" the ref yelled. "Yaaaayyyyyy!!!!" everyone cheered. "I don't get his 'lips' analogy," Hairball said. "Tifa doesn't wear lipstick." "Hominahominahominahomina....." Cloud was gurgling, along with the rest of the boys. "Schlumpf fish is strong....." Yueh said, sighing. The next day, Aeris met Tifa again and they talked about the next fight. "So, Tifa," Aeris said. "Were you able to get that fish smell off of you?" "I think so," Tifa said. "I think I've still got a little under my pits...." She raised her arms, and Aeris suddenly thought that Tifa looked positively fetching in that bikini. "So, um, the next fight is a 'magic only,' huh?" Aeris asked, covering her nose. "Yeah. I'll have to use magic only. Can I borrow some Materia from you guys?" "Sure." Aeris said. "You have your 'Bahamut' Materia, here's an 'Ifrit,' and here's Lou's 'Restore.' He wants it back later." "Thanks, you guys!" Tifa said. "I'll see you after the fight..... Hopefully." "Yo, Aeris!" Barret called. "Where's my popcorn? I'm DYIN' over here!" "Sorry, Barret. I only have, what, two hands and a ponytail?" Aeris mocked, dumping all the popcorn on Barret's head. "Uh, perhaps this would be a good time to say that I didn't exactly want butter-scented grease on my popcorn," Lou said. "Oh, sorry, Lou......" Aeris said. "I'm talkin' about Barret's hair gel," Lou said, picking his popcorn out of Barret's hair. "Yeah? Well, what do YOU put in there, spike head?" Barret asked. "Wire," Lou said, lifting his hair to show some metal bars strapped to his head. "OK..... Sorry I asked." The fight was about to begin. "LAAAAAADIES and GEEEEENTALMEEEENNNNNNN," the ref bellowed, "THIS.... is the fourth round of the Death Pit Tournament; the Magic Showdown. In this corner, the empress of 'Esuna,' the Queen of 'Quartr,'the czarina of 'X-Zone,' MRS. WIZARD!" Mrs. Wizard stepped out onto the field. Her long purple robe was loaded down with Materia and Magicite shards. "Whoah, what a knockout!" Warren said. Aeris dumped her popcorn on his head. "Ngrrrrr......" Aeris mumbled. "I meant that she has that 'Knights of the Round' Materia," Warren said, pointing. "If she uses that, Tifa's history." "Aaaaaand in this corner, everyone's favorite barmaid, TIFA LOCKHEART!" the ref screamed. Everyone cheered as Tifa came out, smiling and waving, waving and smiling. "She's too happy, mommy," a child said to his mother. "She scares me. Make her go away!" "What was that all about?" Cloud asked. "I like it when she smiles. It amplifies her attraction more than the fish." "Liar!" Vincent said. "The fish is the ultimate-" "CAN it, you two!" Tifa roared from the field, her head enlarging and growing fangs like in old Samurai Pizza Cat cartoons. "Y-yes, Ma'am!" they both said. "That's better," Tifa said, going back into her 'sweet smile' mode. The fight began. "I'm a-gonna zap you so hard, you'll be begging for mercy!" Mrs. Wizard said as she fired an Ultima attack. "Woah! She means business!" Hairball cried. "Can Tifa possibly defeat her?" Yuffie asked. "We must believe in Tifa," Yueh said. "It will help her." Tifa was dodging Ultima blasts here and there. "You don't know who you're messing with!" Tifa said, drawing out her 'Bahamut'Materia. "Mega Flare!" Bahamut crashed through the roof of the stadium and fired a giant blast of energy at Mrs. Wizard. She flew backwards and landed about 5 feet from the Death Pit. "Grrrr....." Wizard growled. "You're dead! ULTIMATE END!" Tifa fell into a hole where she got slashed and burned by 13 knights. When she reappeared, she was a mess. "Gya....gyagyagya....." Tifa mumbled. "Fight, Tifa! FIGHT!" everyone yelled. "C'mon, daddy needs a new pair of shorts!" Hairball cried. "What's that supposed to mean?" Lou asked. "Dunno. I heard it on Tiny Toons." Mrs. Wizard began with her Fire 2 attacks. Tifa was being knocked backward towards the pit. "Owww....." Tifa moaned, nursing her burned arm. "Run, run, or you'll be well done!" Mrs. Wizard said, hurling fireball after fireball. "%$#$!" Cid cursed. "Tifa's gettin' burned to a crisp!" "That.... does it," Tifa said. "SLEEPEL!" She sent a purple star whizzing into Wizard's head that knocked her unconscious. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ," Wizard said. Tifa used Ifrit's Hellfire attack to blow her into the Death Pit. KER-SCRUNCHHHH!!! "TI-FA! TI-FA!!!" everyone cheered. "Ahhhh," Cloud said, smiling. "How'd I wind up with a gal like her?......" "Congratulations, Tifa!" the announcer said. "You win a lifetime supply of 'Schlumpf Supreme Brand Perfume' for you and all your friends! Plus, tonight's sleeper is Ron Neckery from 'Carson's Puddle!'" "Awww," Cloud groaned. "He's got chopsticks for fingers....." "Oooh," Warren said, wincing. "Crash and burn." "Well, today's the last fight," Aeris said to Tifa when she was buying the group popcorn. "You nervous?" "You bet I am!" Tifa said. "They haven't told me who I'm fighting, and the weapon they gave me is a strange, glowing baseball bat!" "That's a beam saber," Aeris said, observing the tool. "You can cut through solid steel with that." "How do I use this thing?" Tifa asked. "Well, you press this button here....." Aeris activated the saber, which glowed a pale green. "Wow, cool!" Tifa said. "I feel a lot better now." Aeris went back into the stands and handed everyone their popcorn orders. "Hey, Aeris!" Jessie said. "I asked for caramel popcorn. Where is it?" "Hmmm.... I forget. Maybe I left it behind," Aeris said, turning around to go back to the snack bar. "Well, you did do that," Lou said, yanking the gooey mess off of the backside of her dress. "There. All better." Jessie ate her popcorn contentedly, while Aeris sat down to watch. "Whoops," Warren said, getting up and heading for the men's room. "'Scuse me, pardon me. Nature's callin' with a bullhorn!" The fight began. "LADIES and GENTLEMEN!" the ref screamed. "THIS.... is the final round of DEATH PIT TOURNAMENT! Who will be the victor in this fifth and final fight to the death?! This fight's theme is saber beam battling. In this corner, our favorite chick that ISN'T in a porno flick, TIFA LOCKHEART!" Massive applause. "And in this corner, the dark and sinister Sift Lord Apprentice.... DARTH WALL!" A shadowy figure appeared. He took off his robe to reveal a giant, horned, tatooed, wall for a face. He yanked out his saber, which happened to be double-bladed, and began circling. "Uh-oh....." Yuffie said. "This's gonna be a tough fight!" "Why do you say that, Yuffie?" Lou asked. "Those sandscrit singers are goin' at it again," Yuffie said, pointing at the speakers. "OOOHHHHHHH YAGABAAAAAAAAA DUWAAAAAAAAAAA YAKAMAAAAAAAAAAAAA YAYA OHYA OHYA RAKO......" the chanters sang. "Sheesh," Hairball said, sticking out his tongue. The two competitors were circling each other. "I have you now," Wall said, lunging at Tifa. Tifa quickly dodged the stab and countered with a slice of her own. This just bounced off of Wall's protective armor. "Yikes!" Tifa said. "Wish I had some of that....." Wall started his DOOM SPIN Limit Break (which was legal in this fight because he used his sword for it) and started a giant whirlwind. Tifa was whisked off her feet and thrown around the stadium. "Fight, Tifa! Come on!" Cloud yelled. "You can beat 'im!" Wall then stabbed Tifa through the stomach and kicked her into the Death Pit. "TIFA!!!!!!!!!" everyone yelled. "Tifa........" Cloud choked. "No......" There was a deathly silence in the arena. Darth Wall roared with evil laughter. "I have won!!!!" he yelled. "Damn!" Barret and Cid cursed at the same time. "Poor Tifa....." Aeris said. "Tifa....." Cloud said, starting to break down. "(No.... Can't cry.... Big boys don't cry..... Oh, what the hell....) BAWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!" Suddenly, a figure leaped back out of the Death Pit. It was Tifa! "Hello!" she said, slicing Wall's suprised head clean off. It bounced and trounced and landed in the pit she had just came out of. "Uh......." the ref said. "Uh.... The winner..... TIFA LOCKHEART!!!!!" The crowds roared vigorously. Cloud looked up from his sniffling. "Huh?.... TIFA!!!!" All of Tifa's friends ran out onto the field to congratulate her. "Tifa! Thank God!" Cloud said, flinging his arms around her and kissing her on the cheek like crazy. "But how? What-" Tifa pointed to her saber to show that there was 1 set of attached Materia slots with a 'FINAL ATTACK-REVIVE' combo. "I shoulda guessed," Yueh said. "You are very smart, Tifa." "Hey, guys!" Aeris shouted. "I can't move!" "Oh, no," Warren, who was returning from the bathroom said, rushing to help her. "Is it a stroke?" "No....." Aeris said, straining. "It's that caramel popcorn Jessie had!" After Warren had pried her loose, they came onto the field, too. "That was great, Tifa! You sneaky little thing!" Warren said. "I saw it all on the bathroom's 'Pottycam.'" "Aww, thanks, guys," Tifa said. The ref was coming out to them now. "Congratulations, Tifa! You're this year's Death Pit Champion! Here is your grand prize trophy, and your prize! A pair of 'Tank Treads!' Use them with pride!" "All right!" Lou said. "Now we can get into Pseudo Midgar!" "You're great, Tifa!" Cloud said, smooching her on the lips. He then passed out. "What's with him?" Cid asked. "Uh, well, I DID have lutefisk for dinner last night...." Tifa said. The more she spoke, the more people passed out. "Warren, hand me that wrench, will you?" Jessie asked as her hand popped out of the Drill Tank's engine. "This nut needs tightening." "Okey-dokey," Warren said, dropping the wrench into the gaping hole. "Here be a wrench." "OW!!!" Jessie howled, emergin from the hole rubbing her forehead. "Watch it with that!" "Jessie and Warren make a great team, don't they?" Aeris asked. "Yeah, if they're plannin' on enterin' a 'Laurel and Hardy' lookalike contest," Barret snorted. "Hmmmm....." Lou said. "We're heading into Pseudo-Midgar tomorrow.... I wonder....." "Huh?" Yuffie said, looking at him. "What do you wonder, Lou?" "I suppose you could say that I had a very distant affiliation with Shinra, Inc...." Lou said, shaking his head. "YOU? With Shinra?!" Cloud asked. "I didn't say that," Lou said. "I KNOW someone who works for Shinra." "Hmmmmm," Tifa said, folding her arms. "Why wasn't this brought to attention sooner?" "It's not important," Lou said. "Just forget about it." "............." Vincent said. "'Sup, Vince? You haven't said a word all day," Hairball perked up. "Deep thinking," Yueh said. "Yeah," Cid said. "Spill it, Vincey. What's on yer mind besides hair?" ".........................................................." Vincent said. "Ahhh, forget it," Barret said. "If he doesn't wanna talk, he doesn't hafta." "Done!" Jessie said, appearing from the engine, looking more like a grease monkey than Jessie. "After I take a shower, we can go." "Hmmm," Lou said, nodding. "........................................................." Vincent said, the slightest red illuminating his cheeks. "You're just a big softy for her, ain't ya, Vince?" Cid asked. "Drop it already, won't ya, Cid?! Leave 'im alone!" Aeris snapped. "Aeris, did you just snap at me with 'ya' and 'im?'" Cid asked. "Wow! She can be normal." "Ngrrrrrrr," Aeris mumbled. "Chill, Aer. Chill," Warren said, patting her on the back. In the morning, the party hopped into the tank and started burrowing into the rocky cliffside. Up, up, up they went, seeing many interesting things as they burrowed. "Look! Baby Yetis!" Aeris said. "How cute!" "Hey, it's a Marlboro," Jessie said. She stuck herself outside of the tank. "Hey, Marlboro! Bad Breath this way so I can get it on my "E.Skill" Materia!" The Marlboro happily obliged. "(Wheeze)....Thanks, a.... lot....(GAG)," Jessie said, falling backwards and breathing hard. "Well, at least you learned it," Tifa said. "Hey, it's Vanilla Ice!" Yuffie said, pointing. "Wonder what he's doin' up here." "We're heeere!" Warren said, shutting the engine off. "Here's Midgar!" Everyone stepped out to see the giant towering city, just like the original. The blue force field could easily be seen in the frosty air, and it was black as night under the plates. "Brings back memories," Cloud said. "Yeah, en' they're all bad!" Barret said. "Let's keep goin'!" After a thorough search of the bottom, the group located a skinny, little cargo elevator. "I guess that this's the only way up," Lou said. "We'll have to stack ourselves." "Ummmmmm," Aeris said, blushing. "Is there a gender rule on this part?" "Sure," Warren said, grinning. "Boy, girl, boy, girl...." Aeris slapped him. The order of the stack went something like this; Barret, Jessie, Warren, Tifa, Lou, Aeris, Vincent, Yuffie, Cid, Hairball, Yueh, and Herr Püssy Wüssy. Yueh had to hit all the buttons for the trip. "There," Yueh said, punching in the last digit. "The ride should start now." A friendly voice turned on in the elevator. "Welcome to Shinratech Elevators, Inc. You have selected the ride up to the plate structure. Because of excessive weight, the normally 13 minute ride will take 5 hours, fifty-two minutes. In the meantime, please enjoy your ride and enjoy some easy-listening rock." 'Good Vibrations' began howling into the speakers. Everyone groaned. "Mrgble mrglbe," Barret muttered from the bottom. "What'd he say, Jessie?" Lou asked. "He said 'your bandana's cutting off my oxygen, Jessie," Jessie said, swerving her head around and trying to shake it off. "Yeah, well, Barret's lucky," Warren said. "If I make one wrong move, Tifa's-" RRRRRRRRRIIIIIPPP!!!!!! "You blinked, Warren," Tifa muttered. "AAAAHHHH!!! Foreign objects!" Warren yelled. "Just..... Don't..... Look..... Up." "Oh, please," Aeris muttered. "Foreign objects, my fanny." "That's one, too," Warren said. The group decided to try to get some sleep, but no one could. "Tifa, quit it!" Warren barked. "Every time you exhale from your snore, you french kiss me!" "Why couldn't Cloud have been here instead of you?....." Tifa mumbled. "You have to shave, Warren." "My butt hurts," Barret complained. "SNAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKK," Yuffie snored, then woke up choking. "GRAAAGH! Cid, your scarf is in my face!" "That's what I like about.....(SNARRK).... You..." Jessie hummed. "Aeris," Lou said, "uh, I know that it's natural for people to hug their pillows when they're dreaming about their romances, but, uh.... My circulation is being cut off in my legs." "(ZZZZZZZZZ) Oh, you bad boy.....(SNOOOOORE) I like bad boys......" Aeris snorted. She then proceeded to venture into the part of the dream where rituals quite unknown to Lou and quite censored from this story are carried out. Needless to say, Lou had a lot less chest hair in the morning. "Hey, you feel something...... wet?" Hairball asked. "Oops," Yueh said. "I have sprung a leak. I'm losing my used-up oil." "Help, I'm drowning!" Barret yelled. In the morning, the doors opened to the upper plates of Midgar. Everyone tumbled out onto the metal. "Oh, God! Fresh air!!!" Jessie cried, greedily gulping it into her lungs. "Unghhhhh," Lou said. "Where.... did my chest hair go? Aeris, why do you have five o' clock shadow?" "I'm soaked," Barret said. "Dammit, Yueh! Why'd ya hafta spring a leak right then an' there?" "Leaking oil is a lot like a human's bloody nose," Yueh said. "It is completely random." "I dreamed I ate a marshmallow last night," Yuffie said. "It was yummy." "Someone ate my scarf," Cid said. "Stupid silkworms." "Warren, give me your labcoat," Tifa ordered. "You have a shirt underneath." "Sorry about blinking, Tifa," Warren said. The group cleaned up a a local hotel, then marched straight down to the new Shinra HQ. "Well, here we are," Cloud said. "Looks like about 80 floors on this one," Tifa said, glancing upwards. Clouds surrounded the top of the giant building. Black clouds darkened the sky around it. "I ain't takin' the stairs," Barret griped. "Don't worry," Aeris said, using a set of binoculars to look in through the front door. "Security's pretty light. We should be able to sneak in." "Well, we'd better be extra careful," Lou said. Suddenly, someone tapped him on the shoulder, and a strange, high-pitched voice started yakking. "Hey, you guys'd better let me in on this!" it said. Lou jumped 10 feet. "Whaaaaat? Who the heck are you?!" he asked. Behind him stood a little black cat wearing a crown and a red cape, holding a megaphone and mounted on a big, stuffed, toy mog. "Cait Sith!" Aeris said. "Cait Sith?" Barret said. "Or should I say Reeve? What're ya doing here?" "Look," Cait began, "after I heard Kenny Shinra's speech, I dusted off my old toy and came lookin' fer you guys. You're gonna need help gettin' through this tower, an' I'm gonna help ya all the way." "Well, that's good, I guess," Cloud said. "Hey.... You're not working as a spy again, are ya?" "No way!" Cait said, shaking his little furry head. "I'm on your side, 100%!" "Glad to hear it!" Jessie said. "We always could use another hand." "Oh, YOU'RE Jessie?" Cait said, looking her over. "I thought that the Sector 7 plate smooshed ya flat." "Thanks to me, it didn't," Lou said. "Name's Lou. I'm leading this party at the moment." "Yueh," Yueh said. "Hairball!" Hairball said, bouncing up and down. "I'm Warren," Warren said. "Good, good," Cait said. "Come on! I can get through security! Let's go!" Cait led the group through the first 70 floors of the building unchallenged, but when they reached the President's office, trouble started. "Hey, who're those guys?" Shinra soldiers asked themselves. "It's AVALANCHE!" the Captain shouted. "Get them!" Soldier after soldier rushed at the group, soldier after soldier was knocked out and tossed aside. "Outta our way!" Lou said. They finally reached the door to Kenny's office. Yueh smashed the door down in one swipe of his mighty sword. Kenny was at his desk, filing some papers. He looked up and merely acknowledged them. "Well, I see you got past my troops," he said. "I doubt that you will hurt me. In fact, if you try, you'll be stopped. "Oh, yeah?!" Cid said, dashing forward. He was intantly smashed into a force field that suddenly appeared, and he fell backwards on the recoil. "Ha. As you can see, I'm much cleverer than my two predecessors," Kenny said. "I know what you're all up to, and you're not going to achieve it." "What exactly do you think we're 'up to?'" Yuffie asked. "You desire to defeat Stilgar, correct?" Kenny asked. "Well, I'm so sorry to disappoint you, but nothing is what it seems in this matter." "Heh?" Barret asked. "You came here to find the object to break into Stilgar's castle, right?" Kenny said, grinning evilly. "It's not here. In fact, THEY are not here." "'They?'" Lou asked. "The three Ancient Rubies," Kenny said. "Fire, Water and Space. All three reside in three Ancient temples. But I'm getting ahead of myself, aren't I? You guys will never get to that." "Why not?" Tifa asked. Kenny pushed a button on his desk that shot all 12 characters up one floor. He then got in his personal elevator and started to ride upwards. "Gunnnnhhhhh," Lou moaned as he sat up. "Anyone get the license number of that ejector tile?" "%$#$!" Barret cussed as he sat up. "What floor're we on now?" "Looks like the 73rd floor," Tifa said, looking out a window. "Ow!" Aeris moaned. "I busted by kiester." "Gwaoh........" Jessie grumbled, struggling to get up. "So, what do we do now?" Yueh asked. "My guess is that there's something nasty waiting to happen to us on each floor up to the top," Cloud said. "Kenny's probably got all sorts of nasty tricks up his sleeve....." "Like what?" Yuffie asked as she lodged Aeris's backside back into the correct position. "Gwa ha ha ha....." a high-pitched laugh echoed through the room. "Like me!" "That voice....." Lou said. "I KNOW that voice!" A figure stepped out of the shadows; a figure with yellow, bunned hair, a skimpy dress, and high-heels. "Scarlet!" Tifa snarled. "Scarlet?!" Cait said. "B-but you got blown up in the Proud Clod explosion!" "Of course I did!" Scarlet snapped. "Look at me. This is a robotic body built in my image. They got it perfect down to every last detail.... Except my pinky finger's hangnail. They made it turning the wrong way." "Scarlet, don't you remember me?" Lou asked, coming forward. "It's me, Lou. You babysat me when you were in your late teens, remember?" "Lou........?" Scarlet said, putting her face in a contemplative stance. "Lou..... It's really you, isn't it? Man, you've grown." "You have, too," Lou said, observing the skimpy dress. "Oooh! This'll go down good in the tabloids!" Warren said. "Yeah, it's true," Scarlet said, blushing. "I babysat this little guy when I was 18. He was such a good boy. Of course, since he was only 2 months old at the time, I was also his wet-nurse........ Boy, was he a sucker, he was. He'd just latch on and-" "Point taken, Scarlet," Cloud said, making a face. "Anyway, Scarlet," Lou said, "why is such a nice person like you working for such a dump as Shinra? I mean, what do they pay here for what you do?" "Well, for being the head of the weapons department, I get over 50,000 Gil a week, plus a 2-week paid vacation in April....." Scarlet rambled on about expenses and wages for about 10 minutes, practically boring everyone to death. "Blah blah blah and so I'm actually pretty well off." "But do you ENJOY what you're doing? Do you enjoy pumping out giant Materia loaded weapons that will destroy millions of people's lives per day? Do you enjoy licking the president's boots? Do you enjoy being his....... ah...... consort?" Lou asked. A slow look of blunt stupidity covered Scarlet's face. "Well, actually..... You know, I can't really say I do." "Well then, why don't you go find a new job? I heard about this new firm in Mideel, 'Microhard,' and I bet they could use a talented designer like yourself." "Gee, Lou, I think I will. That's a great idea. Except....." Scarlet's eyes flashed to a mask of cold hatred. "...Except that Shinra controls my body now and can make me do whatever they want! TAKE THIS!!!" Scarlet's body started to do a "Transformers"-like thing and melded into a short, speedy little water tank with a big gun. "Prepare to face the wrath of Aqua Scarlet!" she yelled, and started firing giant blasts of water at her opponents. "Aaaaigh!" Aeris said, leaping behind an ashtray. "She's absolutely bonkers!" "That water pump is super strong!" Warren said. "That water's cutting through almost everything!" "Somebody do something!!!!!" Hairball yelled. "I hate water, especially WET water!" Lou approached Scarlet quickly. "Scarlet, snap out of it!" he shouted. Scarlet started firing 2,000 gallon barrages at him. "Lou!" Yuffie yelled. "Need a hand?" Cloud asked. "You guys get back! This's MY problem!" Lou shouted, pulling out his hammer. He zipped around the room, Scarlet's water blasts grazing his shoulders. "Hmmmmm," he thought, "if I can just find the mind-control chip implanted in Scarlet, I can stop this!" He jumped and dodged, Scarlet firing gush after gush of water strong enough to gut a cow. "Yo, Scarlet! Over here!" he said, then jumped to another place. "....Or am I here?" he taunted. Scarlet was getting frustrated and was shooting even more dangerous water volleys. Lou somersaulted over her and landed behind her. "Hey, that's MY Limit!" Tifa complained. Lou grabbed Scarlet by the neck and popped her neck compartment open, exposing the bare wires and circuits. "Now, what would a mind-control chip look like?....." he thought, desperately hanging on to the rampaging Scarlet. He suddenly came across a chip with something written in Japanese. "Hey, Yuffie! Come over here!" Lou shouted. Yuffie dashed as close as she could to Scarlet. "What's this say?" Lou said, pulling the chip out and holding it up. Scarlet moaned, slumped to the floor and reverted to her regular state. "If you had waited, I could have told you," Yuffie said, throwing the chip away. "Ugh, where am I.....?" Scarlet asked. "You were nuts," Barret said. "You an' yer fancy-pants super soaker." "Aw, gee, sorry," Scarlet said, struggling to get up. "What..... did they do to me?....." Lou helped her up. Warren observed the broken chip. "That mind-control chip was lodged in there for a very long time," he said, "possibly even before you were mechanized." "That must be why you went from kind to killer," Cloud said. "Strange, I thought you were just like that." "Now I remember!" Scarlet said. "All of the Shinra employees are injected with one of these when they sign up to work. Reeve escaped it by being late the first day. Palmer, Heidegger, Rufus..... All of 'em got injected with one of those little buggers. They made us mean, greedy and downright evil." "And they called me a slacker....." Cait Sith butted in. "Can you believe that?" "Rufus too?!" Cid asked. "%$@#, man, this's gonna be tougher than I thought!" "There are 5 floors above," Scarlet said. "All of 'em have one of our employees. Heck, some of 'em are meaner than I was...." "You're OK now, though, right, Scarly?" Lou asked. "You.... haven't called me 'Scarly' since you were two," Scarlet said. "....And now you're 16, you're strong, you have a cute girlfriend and you're trying to save the world..... Man, you've moved up from suckin' on-" "OK, OK!!!!" Tifa said. "This's getting even sicker than stuff that some of the men talk about!" "Thank you, Lou, for saving me," Scarlet said, planting a passionate kiss on Lou's cheek. "I guess that you guys are gonna head up, huh? Well, I'm goin' down. I think I'll apply at Microhard. Thanks, guys. You've just turned my life around. Come and see me sometime, OK?" Scarlet headed for the elevator and left the building. Lou blushed. "I think she likes you a lot more than just babysitting, Lou," Aeris said. "Looks like Yuffie's got competition," Warren said, chuckling. "I don't date women older than myself, Yuffie," Lou said. "Don't let it get to ya." "Well," Barret said, looking around the room, "I guess we go up," he said. "Where's the elevator that goes up?" As soon as he said this, the group of floor panels they were standing an rose up into the next floor. "Great," Jessie said. "Another boss fight?....." "Hey, hey, hey!" a voice said. Everyone watched as fat little palmer walked out of the darkness and confronted them. "Cid! Long time no see!" "Fat man Palmer....." Cid growled. "You launched my rocket away, you lousy little...." "Calm down, Cid!" Hairball said, attaching himself to Cid's leg. "Don't let it get t'ya!" "Get off, Hairball!" Tifa said, yanking him loose. "When Cid gets mad, we get back!" "Hey, hey, hey!" Palmer laughed. "You guys really made fun of me last time, didn't ya? Well, we see who's laughing now!" He shimmered and morphed into a hovering ATM-like machine with a giant 8-ball on its bottom. "Let me guess," Cloud said. "....Astro Palmer?" "Hey, hey, hey! RIGHT!" Palmer said, diving right into the group and knocking away everyone but Cid with a gravity pulse. "Cid, it's up to you this time!" Lou yelled. "Awright, I won't let ya down!" Cid said, readying his spear. "C'mon, Palmer. Let's see whatcha got!" Palmer produced two hovering globes that started firing lasers at Cid. Cid scooted around the room and stabbed repeatedly with his spear. He managed to down one globe, but the other struck him in the chest with a heat ray. "OWWWWW!!!! $#$@%^%$&%*!!!" Cid said, shaking off the blast. "OK, fatty man, yer goin' DOWN!!!!" Cid leaped into the air and began his Dragon Dive Limit Break. Blast after blast, Palmer lolled and crashed around until there was nothing left but scrap metal. Cid walked over and kicked the pieces around. "Ha! Who's laughin' NOW?!" he said, laughing. Cloud looked around the room. "Hey, there's a few beds an' cots an' stuff here! Let's rest for tonight." Everyone agreed that this was a grand idea, and they all bedded down..... Well, some of them. "Why do the girls get the beds?!" Warren groaned, trying to unroll the sleeping bag which kept rolling back up. "Because we have to get our beauty sleep," Tifa said, "and boys can't get any prettier than they start out as." "Quit fighting, you two," Aeris barked. "Now, since we're all here, why don't we all sit around and tell stories, huh?" "I know a limerick," Barret said. "There once was a girl from Venus, whose body was shaped like a-" "You say it and I slug you," Jessie growled. "OK, no more limericks," everyone agreed. "I know," Cait Sith said. "Where was everybody when the Lifestream stopped Meteor? Hairball, where were you?" "Dude, Hairball was just a few teensy-weensy scraps of food in Herr Püssy Wüssy's gut when Meteor blowed up," Hairball said. "I don't remember nuthin'." "I was out cold in Lou's bed," Jessie said. "I don't remember anything about Meteor except that I was unconscious during it." "Lou, where were YOU?......." Yuffie asked. "Well," Lou said, folding his legs and sitting down on his sleeping bag, "This one cold night in Normoon, I was just sittin' back with my big bag of 'Cheetos' and 'Butterfinger' bars watching the 12-hour Sailor Moon marathon. Suddenly, out of nowhere, this big flash of light flies over my apartment. I look outside and I see this big blue beam-thing flying towards a big red ball." "Holy," Cloud said. "It sure didn't do what we expected it to." "Anyway," Lou continued, "I thought it was a fireworks display, so I got up on the roof to watch. Suddenly, this big green web-like thing shoots out of the community vegetable garden and flies off in the same direction, and I can see a couple other beams coming from other areas as well. One shot right through the pharmacy, and there were perscriptions and candy bars flying everywhere!" "The Lifestream," Aeris said. "I remember that..... I got 'Skittles' in my eye." "So anyway, all these little green beams are meeting off in the distance, and before I know it, BOOM! There's this giant flash of light, and when we all look again, all of this stuff is gone! There's no sign of it anywhere!...... And then it started to rain, like ususal. And as I decide to go back into my apartment (because I'm missing the Sailor Moon episode where Moon's top flies off and you can see) I am suddenly stopped because there are a bunch of people's names rising out of the ground in front of me, along with words like 'Executive Producer' or 'Movie Touch-up' or 'Gofer.'" "That must've been during that giant flash where everyone got blinded," Tifa said. "I mean, after that, we looked around, and the top of Midgar was just GONE. The entire plate had been knocked off its supports and had landed about 100 yards away from the slums. It's still there now, just a ghost town with busted metal pieces lying everywhere." "Holy turned out to be a weak," Vincent said. "It didn't do much." "That's when I and my Lifestream buddies charged out of the ground and plastered them both," Aeris said. "And all of this happened because of one guy?....." Lou asked. "That 'Sephiroth' guy we fought in the desert?" "He was a mean one, that Mr. Sephiroth....." Cloud said. "There was sickness in his smile...... he had all the charm and sweetness of a seasick crocodile, Mr. Sephiroth...... Given a choice between the two, I'd take the seasick crocodile." "OK, stop it before you start singing," Yuffie said. "Anyway, don't worry about it, Lou. Sephiroth's old news. He's LONG gone." That night, when everyone was asleep, Lou suddenly found himself once again seated at the table across from the cracker-eating man. "Well done, Lou....." the man sneered. "OK, you I don't need to see," Lou grumbled. "What do you want from me?" "(Munch munch munch) Well, you've saved Scarlet. Well done, but it still doesn't prove that this is real. It ISN'T real." "Who ARE you?!" Lou asked angrily. "You're makin' me sick, sitting there and chewing on those doggone crackers and telling me that nothing's real. What the devil do you want?!" "My, my......" the man said, leaning back so that only his pant legs could be seen. "You certainly are a bit testy today, aren't you? I've come just to tell you that your 'friends' are going to turn on you someday." "What?!" Lou roared. "Jessie......Warren..... Yuffie, turn against ME? You're nuts!" "They will," the man said, getting up to leave. "ALL of them. And Yuffie, too." He turned around and faded into the darkness. Lou woke up in a cold sweat, panting heavily. "Lou! What's wrong?" Yuffie asked, sitting up from her bed and rolling towards him. "............Nothing," Lou said, lying back and listening to the night noises until he fell back asleep. In the morning, Tifa was the first one up, as usual. "On your feet, everyone!" she said, stretching very widely, and strangely enough, NOT causing her shirt to rip. "Time to get up and celebrate a brand new day!" Jessie threw her pillow at her. "Awww, c'mon, Tifa, just 5 more minutes....." Cloud moaned. "Cloud, you always say that when you get IN bed, and then again when you need to get OUT of bed," Tifa said, yanking out his pillow and letting his head land on the cold floor. "Tifa's gonna be a tough spouse," Warren said as he got up. "Heh heh heh," Cait Sith said, his giant mog yawning widely. "Guess it's time for the next floor, eh?" "Yup," Barret said, sitting up straight. "Man! My arm hurts." "That's because you were sitting on Herr Püssy Wüssy," Lou said. "Come on, let's go." The group found a flight of stairs and started up them. It wasn't long before they reached the next floor. "So, who's it gonna be on THIS floor?" Cid yelled out. "Gyah ha ha ha haaaaa!!!!!" a loud, annoying laugh echoed through the room. "Welcome, kiddies!" Heidegger stepped out of the shadows, twisting his beard with his hand. "I thought you guys would show if I waited. Now I can smoosh you flat! GYA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!!!" "Shu'up, you ^%$#^&%%$^%*!!!" Barret cursed. "You wanna piece of me? You wanna piece of AVALANCHE?" "Barret, don't do something stupid," Jessie cautioned, grabbing his gun-arm. "Get away, Jessie! I KNOW what I'm doin'! Heidegger, you were the one that caused the Sector 7 plate to fall, right?" "And I'd do it again!" Heidegger said, throwing his head back and laughing again. "GYAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA hack cough" "Just as I thought....." Barret said, stepping forward. "C'mon, you lousy %$#*! One-on-one!" "Barret!" Jessie shouted. "..........." Vincent said. "Oh, dear, you wanna fight me? GYA HA HA HAAAAA!!!! I guess you'll find out that dissin' me is an explosive no-no! GYA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!!!!" Heidegger shimmered and changed into a giant, limbed grenade. He aimed his cannon-arm at Barret and started firing live grenades. Barret dodged most of them, then one got him in the leg. "GRAAAAAAAAAGHHHH!!!!" Barret cursed, nursing his leg. "Barret, get up! He's right behind you!" Aeris yelled. Barret rolled out of the way just as another grenade exploded where he had just been. Barret started firing from his own gun, but the bullets just bounced off. "Gya ha ha haaaaaa!!!!!" Heidegger giggled, grabbing Barret by the shirt and hoisting him up. "What've you got ta say fer yourself now?" "HAMMERBLOW LIMIT BREAK!!!!" Barret yelled, blasting Heidegger with such energy that Heidegger flew out the glass window on the other side of the room and exploded on his way down. "Yaaaaayyyyy!!!!" Jessie said, cheering. "Biggs and Wedge are finally avenged!" "Well, that was easy," Yuffie said, "'course, now we'll probably be hit with something really hard," Suddenly, the tiles beneath our heroes once again floated upward into the next floor. "NOW where are we?" Jessie asked. "The next floor, of course," Tifa said, glancing around. "Where else could we be?" "And further more, who's gonna want a piece of us on this floor?" Yuffie asked. Suddenly, footsteps were heard coming from the dark area. "Wh-who's there?!" Cait Sith timidly called out. The figure emerged. "RUFUS!!!" everyone shouted at once. "I see you got past Kenny's other cronies," Rufus said, "but let's see if you can get past me..... Reeve!" Cait Sith went pale, or as close as a robot can get to pale. "M-me?!" he stammered. "Yes, you, traitor. You went against Shinra and cost me my first life. Now I shall extract revenge." He started to tremble, and then his entire body ripped in half to reveal a werewolf-like creature. It roared ferociously. "Eep!" Yuffie said, jumping behind Lou for protection. "Why do I have to be the adult, huh?!" Lou griped. "Can Cait possibly beat that thing?!" Cloud asked. "I seriously doubt it," Warren said, shaking his green hair. "Come on, Cait, we believe in you....." Aeris said. "Be strong!" Cait gulped, but proceded to march into the arena. "OK, Rufus, I'll try you on for size," he said with a hint of fear in his voice. Rufus started by slashing at Cait's toy mog. The first slice knocked its left arm off. Cotton stuffing flew everywhere. "Why you!---" Cait said, lobbing five dice at Rufus. They rolled a 6, 2, 3, 4, and 1. Rufus screamed and fell backward, then lunged again, this time aiming for the cat. He slashed, and a giant hunk of metal flew off Cait's face, revealing the metallic skeleton underneath. Sparks flew out. "Ewwwww," Hairball said. "Icky." "They're making the world a little less cuddlier," Cid said, adjusting his goggles. "You ain't gettin' away with this," Cait said, the cat leaping off the mog and landing of Rufus so as to create a rodeo-like battle. Rufus bucked and lurched, Cait hanging on for dear life. "Hang on, Cait!" Aeris yelled. "Heh. I'm almost amused," Vincent said, smiling lightly. Cait was bonking Rufus with his megaphone over and over. "Ow! OW! OWWWWW!!!!" Rufus howled. "STOP THAT!!!" He grabbed Cait and flung him to the ground. "Time..... to die," he said, raising his claw to slice Cait in two. Suddenly, Cait's mog leaped through the air and smashed itself into Rufus, destroying them both. Cait sat up and looked around. "My mog!" he cried, "my beautiful mog! Now what am I gonna do?!" "You could WALK, like other normal animals like Snoopy or Garfield," Cid said dryly. Everyone just stared at him. "What?" he asked. "I know!" Cait said, hopping onto Aeris and assuming a stance like a kangaroo. "GAAAAHHHHH!!!! COLD, COLD, COLD!!!!!" Aeris howled, grabbing Cait by the scruff and bouncing around like a kid in a big inflatable room. "Ha ha ha," Jessie snickered. "That's so cute." "Next floor, please!" Lou called out. The elevator lifted them up to the next floor, where there were all sorts of tables with beakers and vials bubbling over with chemicals of unknown origin. Strange odors wafted through the air. "Looks like the set of Mister Wizard," Warren said, wrinkling his nose. Tifa walked over to the beakers and observed them. "Wow, this stuff smells goshawful," she said, her face going green and her eyes bugging out. "That's a bottle of CHSO7," a voice said from the other side of the room. "It will burn your skin off if you even graze your pinky against it." "Hojo!" Cloud cried. The wiry little professor waddled out into the light, his glasses gleaming in the light. "Yes, indeed. Hmm, it's the reject again," he said. "Hey, don't knock me again, man!" Cloud said, drawing his sword. "Not you, reject," Hojo said, scowling. He then pointed a bony finger at Hairball. "Him." "Me?" Hairball asked. "What d'ya mean?" "(Sigh) When I first tried creating Sephiroth clones, I mixed the cloning chemistry up immensely," Hojo wheezed. "My first attempt produced a walking, talking hairball-like creature that talked like Jar Jar Binks. I threw the mixture away as a reject experiment, but I just happened to be near the Pretty Kitty Cat Food factory. I guess that the mixture was added into the food, and now I suppose there are a number of sentient hairballs." "What?!" Yuffie asked. "So why can Hairball cast magic?" "I made the mixture so Sephiroth would know magic without Materia," Hojo continued, quite annoyed with Yuffie's butting in. "That stayed in the mixture, I guess." "Whatever the reason," Cloud said, drawing his sword, then realizing that it was drawn to begin with. "I'm not gonna let you start up your experiments again!" "Oh, pity," Hojo said, shaking his aged head. "I've already got some pupils out there.... One of them, Dexter, he's a fine boy. He'll go far." "Aw, geez," Cloud said. "Shut up and fight already!" "OK, but my robotic body is certainly a force to reckon with!" Hojo said, transforming into a giant seahorse-like robot. He began spewing green, thick acid at Cloud. Cloud tried to block one blob with his sword, but the blob dissolved it. "Oh, no!" Jessie cried. "Lovely," Vincent muttered. "Cloud! Here!" Lou said, tossing Cloud his hammer. Cloud started wielding like a sword, and pounced on Hojo. Acid flew, and so did the hammer. Hojo whipped Cloud with his tail, and Cloud used his Omni....uh..... SLAM against Hojo. It seemed to work. Hojo sank back, crippled, his seahorse head drooling acid all over the front of his armor. "You........ Are........ Strong, Cloud," Hojo wheezed with his dying breath, "but..... You don't seem..... to know...... the whole story........" "Whole story?" Cloud asked. "About what?!" Hojo gasped once more and fell silent. "........................What was that all about?" Barret asked. "Man," Warren said, looking at Cloud's melted sword. "This'll be tough, but I can fix this up faster than you can say 'sister suzy's sewing socks for soldiers!'" Unfortunately, he didn't have time. The elevator moved up to a floor encased in darkness. "NOW where are we?" Cait asked. "Hmmmmmm," Jessie said, looking at the faint outline of the floor. "It appears that we're on..... a soccer field?!" Suddenly, the lights went on, and they WERE on a soccer field. The crowds in the stands roared with delight, and the group suddenly found themselves in soccer uniforms. "What the......." Cid said, feeling the uniform. "Congratulations!" someone behind them said, "you've won the chance of a lifetime to compete in the Shinra Cup XVIII!" "Who's there?!" Lou said, whipping around. He saw 3 people, all wearing black suits. "Who're you guys?" he asked. "Turks......." Tifa said, "Shinra's pitbull bodyguards. Reno, Rude and Elena." "I'm so pleased you remember us," Reno said, brushing his hand through his hair. "Kenny has decreed that you must be stopped, using whatever means possible." "That means I got the opportunity to test out the new holographic terrain program!" Elena boasted. "Don't worry, you're all still at Shinra headquarters and your clothes are really on you, but this is all a hologram." "Great," Vincent said, tugging at the FIFA logo on his royal blue uniform. "If you want to get to Kenny, you'll have to have a little soccer game with us," Reno said. "You guys'll be one team, and we'll be the other." "..........." Rude said. "Wait a minute," Warren said, scratching his head, "there's 12 of us and 3 of you. How can that possibly be fair?" "We have quick-clones!" Elena said, snapping her fingers. Three more sets of Renos, Rudes and Elenas marched out onto the field. "We have as many players as you. Let's start!" "I know about quick-clones!" Jessie whispered to everyone in a huddle. "They melt eventually, after they've exerted enough energy. We'll just have to tire them out!" "There's also a self-destruct button behind their left ears," Aeris whispered. "Trust me, I've quick-cloned myself once. It was that other Aeris in the slum church after I died, remember, Cloud?" "Oh, yeah," Cloud said, rolling his eyes. "We went back to Sector 5 and saw Aeris in the church, and she came rushing towards me, ready to embrace, and then she started babbling nonsense and then melted right in my arms. Yuck!" "What'd she say?" Yuffie asked. "Something like 'Oh, Cloud! You'll never guess how much I jumped up and sideways on the old guy's big purple deer with the buzz cut at the local bridge game.....' and then she was just a pile of slop on the floor." "Aeris! Yuck!" everyone said. "Hey, it was a good idea at the time!" Aeris said crossly. "And anyways, it's easy to make a quick-clone, so I bet those Turks have more in the back. All you need is a sample of the person's DNA..... and a vat of runny cheese." "Cheese?" Jessie asked. "It turns out that cheese can carry human DNA almost perfectly," Warren said. "One way you can tell a quick-clone from the real deal is if they smell like it, but modern technology and cologne have been able to cover that up." "Can we just play the stupid game already?!" Barret asked. "Oh, all right, you big baby," Aeris grumbled. "Let's GO!" The game began. The Turks started with the ball and Rude kicked it very far. It landed almost in the goal of Lou's team. "Kick it back, Hairball!" Yueh shouted. Hairball kicked and kicked, but the ball only went 5 inches forward. "You're outta your league, squirt!" a quick-clone Elena said, lunging at the ball and kicking it into the goal, Hairball with it. He oozed through the net and landed a few feet away. The quick-clone Elena jumped up and down happily. The next ball was a bit better. Barret kicked a powerful shot right into the Turks's goal, knocking Reno to the side. He sat up, grass stains all over his new black suit. "Oh, you're good," he said, taking the ball out for their turn, "but I'm better!" He kicked the ball ferociously and it flew across the field, straight for the goal. "Aeris, watch this! I'm gonna do a Super-Duper-Warren-Style Pelé!" Warren got the bicycle kick part right, but he leaped too low, and the ball just bounced off. Warren lay in a crumpled heap on the ground. "Wow, Warren!" Aeris said, leaning over him, "you blocked the ball! Great job!" "Yeah," Warren squeaked, "I always wanted to sing falsetto....... Like that kid on 'Requiem'....." "Oh, you're such a kidder, Warren," Aeris said, kissing his unshaven cheek. The ball had landed between Cloud and a quick-clone Reno. "You're not going any further," the clone said, "even if I personally have to chop up the old bucket of peppermint bon-bon shrimp cocktails hello my baby, hello my honey......" He melted into a pile of runny cheese. Cloud kicked the ball to score another goal. "I'm beginning to see a flaw in this plan, sir," Elena said to Reno. "Keep playing," Reno said. "We've got more quick-clones." "Go, go, GO!!!!" everyone yelled at Yuffie, who was charging down the field with the ball in her posession. Suddenly, a quick-clone Rude blocked her path. She quickly kicked the ball with such brute force that it flew right through him, and a big cheesy hole remained. "Hey, you're gonna pay for that!" the quick clone groaned, "and the noodles and the Dead Poet's Society...." Another cheese mound. "Yuck," Yuffie said, sticking her tongue out. "I just can't get used to that." Elena had siezed the ball, and the two were guarding each other fiercely. "You're the real Elena, aren't you?" Yuffie asked. "Of course, why?" Elena asked. "I can smell that yak lure you call 'perfume,'" Yuffie said, and promptly tackled Elena, kicking the ball for another goal. "The score is 3 to 2," the holographic referee shouted. "Half time!" "Aww, man," Jessie moaned, looking at her stained pants. "Those're gonna take weeks to get out." "They're holograms," Lou said, "it won't take any time to get them out." "Anybody want some gatorade?" Tifa asked, bringing in a giant tub of green liquid. "Sure!" everyone said. Five minutes later, everyone was doing the 'pee-pee dance.' "That stuff isn't 'in you' for long, huh?" Cid asked Warren. "(Squeak,)" Warren said. "Half-time is over!" the ref yelled. "Resume play!" "Pass it! Pass it!" Cloud yelled to Lou. "Pass me the ball!" Lou kicked the ball and hit Cloud in the head. The ball deflated on his hair spike. "Oops," Lou said. "Sorry." "Point for the Turks!" the ref shouted. The ball then mysteriously flew and hit him in the head, knocking him senseless. Tifa caught the speeding ball between her legs and landed on the ground. Three quick-clones surrounded her, leering. "You're dead meat you old french-fry on a hot winter's day in Santa Maria, Nina, Pinta..." they all became cheesy lumps. Tifa took this opportunity to pass the ball to Jessie, who kicked it into the goal again. "No, no, Cid!" Aeris yelled, "in soccer, you don't dribble the ball! Kick it!" "What was that, Aeris?" Cid asked. "I couldn't hear you because I was whistling that 'Harlem Globetrotters' music." "Geez," Aeris moaned, putting her face in her hands. "You seem to take soccer quite seriously, Aeris," Cait said from his protective pouch. He had really settled in. "When I was young, my Cetra agility and evasiveness made me the best kid on the soccer field. I got a MVP award 5 times, but then I had to start tending flowers....." "So go play!" Cait said, crawling out and hopping onto the Gatorade barrel. "I'll be here later." "Thanks, Cait," Aeris said, dashing out onto the field and taking the ball from Cid. "Outta my way, music man!" Aeris roared. "the 'Aeris Raid' is comin' to town!" She flew past the Turks and quick-clones and took the ball straight to the goal. She kicked so hard that Reno shot through the net with the ball. AVALANCHE had won the game! The quick-clones melted away, the holographic field vanished, and the Turks's mind control chips deactivated. "Well, that was some game," Elena said. "Why did we lose?" "Elena, don't act so weak," Reno said. "Let's go." "Y-yes, sir!" Elena said. "....." Rude said. They walked to the elevator and left. "How about those guys? Didn't even thank us," Yuffie complained. "They're Turks, Yuffie," Cloud said. "They've got pride." "This is the top floor," Lou said as they walked up the stairs and appeared on the roof. "Where's Kenny?" "Kenny is here," Kenny said, appearing on his little private elevator. "Welcome to Shinra's special testing station." "What exactly do you test?......" Cait asked. "I was never told about this." "It's new, Reeve," Kenny said, scratching the hair around his eye patch. "I invented it. See, I've seen what kind of twisted experiments Hojo made, and I decided, 'how can I make this enterprise of fusing people with Jenova cells profitable?' Then it hit me! I could create a fashion trend of Jenova-based plastic surgery. People could now have wings or fangs or whatever they wanted, and they'd be willing to pay a lot of money for it!" "You'd inject Jenova cells into innocent stupid teenagers?!" Lou asked. "That's inhuman!..... Who's Jenova, anyway?" Cloud told the whole story to the uninformed party members in three seconds, through the miracle of narration. "I see..... So it's BAD," Lou said, nodding slowly. "'Bad' is an understatement," Vincent said. "This 'bad' thing is what destroyed Lucrecia and created Sephiroth......." "Whatever," Jessie said. "We can't let ya do it, Kenny." "So sorry you feel that way," Kenny said. "I bet you'd like to see a sample of this wonderful new treatment? I'd be willing to give you a free demonstration..... As you might say, I'm also a client!" He slowly removed his eye patch to reveal a pulsing, bloody cyclops eye. His business suit ripped into tiny pieces as two demon heads ripped out of his skin beneath his arms, he grew bat-like wings, claws and toes, and a devil's tail. "Say hello to the future of teenage expression!" he shouted, floating above them in the cloudy sky. Lightning flashed and rain began to pour. "You're mad," Yueh said. "Yeah, I am," Kenny sassed back, "an' you know what? It wasn't Heidegger, or the Shinra president that ordered the fall of the Sector 7 Plate..... It was ME!" "What?!" Jessie shouted, seething with rage. "You almost killed me and DID kill a lot of my friends! How dare you....." "Tish tish," Kenny chortled. "Such language! Looks like I'm going to have to demonstrate this new fashion's battle mode." He threw a giant wind-made chainsaw blade at the group. The blade flew across the roof, leaving a big hole in it. "You two-timing, double-dealing!....." Jessie shouted, lunging at Kenny. "Jessie!" Vincent shouted. "Wait!" Lou shouted. Too late. Jessie tackled Kenny, and they both fell off the side of the tower. They fell and fell and continued to battle as they fell. "How could you do that to them?" she asked, firing her gun at him. "They were innocent people!" "If I knew that you'd be so upset," Kenny said, smiling evilly, "I would have killed more! I would have dropped ALL the plates!" "You........" Jessie continued firing, her plasma bullets piercing into Kenny's body. Kenny seemed unaffected, and launched a giant lightning bolt, which struck her and knocked her senseless. They were about halfway down the tower's side when Jessie landed on a ledge. There, she sat up and quickly resumed firing. It was an 'I hit you, you hit me' kind of battle, where Jessie would fire her gun or use a spell, and Kenny would then retaliate by slashing. "Bad Breath!" Jessie said, using her Enemy Skill Materia to fire a puke-green cloud of gas into Kenny's face. "HACK COUGH WHEEZE...... You little brat! I'll teach you!" In his rage, Kenny destroyed the ledge she was sitting on and Jessie fired a blast that broke his wings. They both fell towards the ground. "Jessie!" Barret yelled. "Jessie........" Vincent murmured, hanging his head. PLEASE INSERT DISK 2