The day at camp was just an extremely boring day. Nothing to be extremely happy or sad, just plain bored. That was very good as far as I am concerned.
But after I got home, every kind of emotion that just screws me up, screwed me up and it was caused by everyone at home.
Mum
I had set aside this evening to go and view the new home with my mum as she had promised. But my mum procrastinated, gave a barrage of excuses and basically make it seem like all my fault. Then she upset me even further when all I asked was just a simple question of what job my sister was doing. I asked her that as dad asked me and I do not know the answer. I was hoping she knew the answer and told it to dad. But she replied there was nothing to worry about my younger sister and I was the one who needs to be worried upon. ALL I ASKED WAS A SIMPLE QUESTION. After this answer I just packed to go to the gym this Thursday as I have an appointment with my trainer. I had decided to go to the gym to do cardio tonight, after mum delayed what she said she would do. She had broke her promise several times over, I had great faith in her and she had let me down. What was worse is the utter and total lack of emotional support in my decision to do what I want to do in future. The big lack is like a major support pillar missing in the building that holds my very self being.
Dad
I could not even pee in peace due to his laziness to get a piece of cloth to clean up something. He got it himself as he had no choice, mum was washing dishes and I was urinating.
He asked me to get tissue to wipe something at the dinner table and I was getting it. But he was too impatient and used mine. I didn't mind that but after he used it he stuffed it back at me. NOT THE FIRST TIME HE DID THIS.
I was just finishing up dinner when he asked me to sliced up the honeymelon to eat or else it would spoil. That really tears my sense of simple joy and stability up. Mum told me to do it after dinner. So I finished up dinner in a hurried and angry manner and sliced the damned fruit. AGAIN, this is not the first freaking time!!! And we ain't so interested or want to eat any fruit after dinner. But he keeps buying the fruits and calling me to sliced them in in such a hurried tone of voice and before I finished dinner in peace.
After what my mum and dad did all I can do was involuntarily shake my head hard vigourously. And hitting myself on the sides of my head really hard. Then try desparately to calm myself down.
My Younger Sister
She treats me like I am not there and I am talking to a brick wall, when I needed answers as to why the PIII PC kept asking for User Name and Pass Word just to switched it on after I got rid of her name that appeared on the Start Bar's Log Off.
I tried to get the PIII PC to just start without asking for User Name and Pass Word without success but I could still use the PC. But I just went mad and angry when I saw it forgot my Dial-up to internet password and rearranged the icons on the desktop.
Now, I just hope that I will find the solace I need in my sleep, in my dreams or else I do not know how am I going to carry on. I feel so alone, so many times at so many different places and situations that I do not really know why I even bother to carry on. That what is the reason/s to keep on living, to exist, to struggele and make another day pass me. Maybe I keep hoping the next day will be better or just temporary ease myself with all kinds of pleasant fantasies and imaginations. Or the hope that there will be a point of my life where everything will be happy and smooth. Maybe it is all these that keep me going and to be aware and strong in the process.
