and Solace.
Travel. Hearing and Reading stories and/or just reading the fact that somewhat has been to many countries just makes me really feel like going off to travel and submerge myself into the whole experience. But the unfamiliarity, being on my own and possibly unforseen unfortunate incidences and money to travel makes me want to stay put.
My Being. I do not know if any people I know of noticed but I certainly have noticed that I am changing day by day throughout my life. Some changes are good, some are just downright unpleasant. The way I act, my personality and perception of life and how human I am. Recently, I been able to feel it. For a long time I cannot really feel myself, it is as if I am some kind of organic machine. But now all these intense feelings come to me and affect me. Sometimes I just let them take over, a sort of auto drive. But recently, I have somehow gained calmness and it gives me clarity as to how to respond. I hope I can always have this calmness. When I am outside as in not in camp and wearing whatever I want. I always put on this really fake cool demeanour so that I can give myself confidence yet somewhat fade into the crowd. So that I will not be noticed. So very Squall like and maybe I am a lone wolf like him too. But I feel that I have been alone for so long, I need so kind of more frequent companionship.
The Future. I try not to think too much about my future, too much stress and probabilities. All I know is I want to be a Personal Trainer and to be Happy on a very Daily Basis. All I care about is the present, reacting to all that comes to me with calmness and hoping that I make all the right decisions. I know I want to live a life the way I want it with perhaps only a few imperfections.
My fantasy. My deepest fantasy involves females but nothing sexual. I strive to maintain a sense of pure goodness in myself. Because that matters, all that is bad and the fact that those bad qualities stayed are. Because I felt they are necessary for me to survive. This is the same case as Enzo in the cartoon series- Reboot, I did all I had to do to survive. Even if it means making myself unfeeling and less human. My definition of Human are all the good qualities a human have such as kindness. My fantasy is to date both Stefanie Sun and Stella Ng at the same time. A dinner and movie would be very nice. If that is not possible, then a date with either one of them would be great. As for who would be easier as in get along with. I have to say Stella Ng as she has a kind of innocence and welcome sort of behaviour, I probably will feel more comfortable and probably unharmed. And she is 20 yrs old. Stefanie Sun does not look too old but she is 22yrs old right now. So I expect her to be much more matured and very logical. I most probably cannot handle her well. But hey she finally replaced YongMing's Ranking of Best Hand Feel in my mind. Before her there was no one else!
But these are all just fantasies with the chance of it coming true at less then 1% I think!
If they came true then I will be a very happy man.
Stupid Little Joke from Alex Chain. Recently at camp Alex Chian joked that I dumped Stefanie Sun for Stella Ng as Stella Ng's Busts are bigger. He knew I bought Stella Ng's CD.
Solace. I do not frequently find solace in sleep anymore due to troubles getting to sleep. The only times I can sleep well is when I do not have to wake up the next day to go to camp. I find solace at the gym, I go there frequently but shortly each time but for the short time I was there my attention, focus and life was dedicated to something else totally engaged and enjoyable. And the staff there know me, the people who workout there are friendly although they are strangers and I got my trainer whom I can talk to. I get friendly little surprises which enrich my life even if it was a little. Such as someone sharing my taste in the chain I wear or a stranger telling me I am unbelievable when all I did was stretched.
