If Y/you read SM porn, Y/you are aware that it consists of improbable stories involving unbelievable characters, who somehow have the money and leisure, not to mention the libido, to actively engage in SM erotic play 24/7/365. That is, of course, impossible. though i'm sure there is someone somewhere who will disagree with me...but the slave/submissives i've talked to do not remain chained to toilets, live like cattle, or really do anything 24/7 except breathe. It is possible for a slave to be subjected to strict forms of control for periods of time - an afternoon, even a weekend. But these are REAL people...with REAL lives...consisting of friends, families, outside interests, hobbies or careers, and real-life responsibilities. With the growing number of people becoming involved in the BDSM community, many of them for the first time and all too many of them driven by their hormones and fantasies instead of solid information and guidance from reliable sources, it's not surprising that more and more problems are occurring in the SM/fetish Scene. The major thing is the profound confusion among submissives about where to draw the line between consentual SM and abuse.
The following statement on domestic abuse was issued by the National Leather Association.
Domestic violence is not the same as consentual s/m. Yet, abusive relationships do exist within the leather-s/m community, as with all groups. Unfortunately, due to our sexual orientation, abused persons who are into s/m may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving credence to stereotypes. No group is free of domestic battering; but fear, denial, and lack of knowledge have slowed public response to this serious social problem. Domestic violence is not restricted to one particular group within the s/m community. A person's size, gender, or particular sex role (top-bottom, butch-femme) is irrelevant; anyone can be subject to abuse. Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. It is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without her or his consent. Because of the intimidation factor, where there is abuse in any part of the relationship, there can be no consent.
The following questions can help a person to define the problem, which can have characteristics that are physical, sexual, economic, and psychological.
No one has the right to abuse you. You are not responsible for the violence. You are not alone; connect with other survivors. There are reasons for staying in an abusive relationship: fear of (or feelings for) the abuser, and lack of economic or emotional resources. If you stay, help is still available. Find out about shelters, support groups, counselors, anti-violence progrms, and crisis lines in your area; ask a friend to help you make these calls. Plan a strategy if you have to leave quickly. Line up friends and family in case of emergency. Battery is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and options. You can get a court to order the person to stop hurting you through an Order for Protection or Harrassment Restraining Order. You do not need a lawyer.
Domestic violence does exist in the s/m - leather-fetish community. We can make it clear that we will listen to those who have the courage to speak out. Understand that leaving is difficult. Let the person make his or her own choices. Keep all information confidential. Encourage survivors to take legal action and seek support. Help find safe housing and legal advocacy. Hold batterers accountable and urge them to seek treatment. Deny that drug or alcohol use can excuse battering. Support changes in that person's behavior.
Leather groups in our community are crucial to reducing domestic violence. Invite knowledgeable speakers; lead discussions; print up a list for members of what resources are available in your area are s/m-supportive. Educate your local legal ans social services system about our lifestyle; encourage their appropriate intervention.
Safe Link is a clearing house for materials and questions about domestic violence, specifically for persons who are into leather, s/m or fetish sexuality. It offers a list of readings and is currently compiling a roster od support speakers, shelters, and therapists, and information on understanding and using the law. Call NLA at (415) 863-2444, or write to:
Safe Link c/o the Domestic Violence Education Project National Leather Association 548 Castro Street #444 San Francisco, CA 94114
Remember: If you are unhappy and your Dominant refuses to deal with it, brushes off your complaints, and takes a passive aattitude towards making a possitive change, something is seriously wrong - not with you, but with the Dominant. Dominance is no excuse for laziness or mental cruelty. In fact, one surefire way to tell the true Dominant from someone who's just *getting their rocks off* at your expense is that person's willingness to work with you to make the relationship as mutually rewarding and joyful as possible.