In Dreams Begin Responsibilities
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999

Belated thanks to Brooks for the Martin Luther King quotes. I would
have done something myself but I guess I was distracted at the time.

I was initially put off by the typos but, after awhile, they strangely
amplified the intensity of the words. I pictured Brooks typing in a white
hot passion, frantically transcribing from audio recordings of the great
man himself.

It's certainly a different experience to actually read King speeches
than to hear them. I think they work better aurally due to style of his
presentation. The Black church has produced some awesome orators.

It's kinda weird when you think about it. MLK was an adulterer whose
dalliances were taped by FBI director, J.Edgar Hoover. The FBI threatened
to play the tapes for his wife if King didn't basically shut up and go
away. He stood strong, Corretta Scott King stood at his side, and the
great march to freedom continued. We now also know (and it's long been
known in theological circles) that King was guilty of plagirism on his
doctoral dissertation. Yet most will agree that he is one of the greatest
people in the short history of this country. Perhaps Bill Clinton still
has a chance of getting a national holiday as well. ; )

Also, I think I have to join the growing chorus of people who are a
little bit tired of the "I Have a Dream" speech. King wasn't just a
dreamer. He didn't just have a dream; he had an analysis. Let's not
forget that Ronald Reagan used to refer to him as Marxist Luther King!

Though this post is late for MLK day, it's just in time to mark the
debut of the new Malcolm X postage stamp. This is utterly weird. A
stamp honoring one of the most feared Black radicals of his day. J.
Edgar Hoover must be rotating in his grave. This should be just the
beginning of the Black radicals collection of stamps. Huey Newton,
Kwame Ture, Sonny Carson... collect 'em all!

I'm sleepy and rambling, don't mind me. In fact, I think my fatigue is
more than physiological. I'm emotionally wrung out by the List, I'm
afraid. It's too big a commitment for me now. In fact, I'm neglecting RL
responsibilities.

I must focus on getting healthy or I won't live all that much longer. I
must also find full-time work. I have an excellent lead for a job as the
Administrative Assistant for New Jersey City University's Center for
HIV/AIDS Education Studies and Testing. In addition to providing a decent
salary, a civilized commute and tuition remission, it could prove a
*great* learning experience for one (like myself) with a special interest
in gay clients. And contacts galore. I have powerful in-house
recommendations on my side (and the psychologist who runs the project--for
which he reputedly obtained some $5 million from the government--is an
openly gay research psychologist from my own department) but I know from
bitter recent experience that I had best not get my hopes up. If hired, I
will be the first and only Black on staff. And so it goes....

I gotta finish an "Incomplete." I gotta focus on my current Psychology
course, "Interviewing and Counseling." There's also the matter of my
graduate assistantship at the Center for Public Policy and Urban Research.
There's lots of work to be done.

Just as importantly, I'm also neglecting the person who may mean the
most to me in all the world right now. Yep, perhaps as one more symptom
of my recent "distress," I finally "came out" and (rather rashly) declared
that I am deeply in love with a dear, dear friend who was formerly on the
List. Despite my distrust of international Internet romances--remember
that the Wookie met That Woman from Taiwan he married on IRC--I virtually
threw myself at this poor befuddled lad who aquitted himself rather well
under the circumstances. (English stiff upper lip and all that.) While
not *quite* as disappointing as Roman's recent experience, it was hardly a
great success either. Still, while there are no immediate plans to
emigrate on either part, we grow ever closer with each post--and we've
been at it for three years already. I've decided to focus my online life
on our relationship--as well as my telephone life once I can afford a line
again. Who knows what might happen down the line? Maybe I should move to
the UK if I can't get him to come here. But I'm getting *way* ahead of
myself. What about my new career goals? What about Angel? Damned if I
know. I can't even see straight anymore. More details someday... if they
ever develop.

I'm really blabbering here and my head hurts so bear with me. If I
can't have it all, I'll settle for having what matters most.

I have not decided for certain whether I'm going to unsub but I'm
definitely going to stop reading the List for awhile (a couple of weeks or
months).

I just want to thank everybody for being out there and being yourselves.
You are more important to me than you know. I'll always love even those
from whom I've grown estranged, both here and in dreamworld. You know who
you are. The List ain't what it used to be for us oldsters but it remains
a very special place. I'm pretty sure I'll be back. Have fun, kids.

Belated thanks to the gang from Shim City for their nifty postcard and
their good wishes. Sorry it took me so long to say this. I'm a jerk.

Thank you also for all the warm, thoughtful and supportive private and
public posts I've received in the last several days. Frankly, I was kinda
overwhelmed by their volume and the intensity. It really wasn't
necessary--I'm a big boy, after all, and I can more than take care of
myself--but it's nice to have friends.

NEway, I promise to read all the posts in the recent thread "coming out"
thread--I just don't know when. I'd be happy to read most responses to
anything I've written or anything else that you'd like me to read and
possibly respond to. Please copy me in at [email protected] and/or
[email protected]. Otherwise, I can almost guarantee that I won't see
your post(s).

In closing, I wanted to share a poem that speaks well to MLK's dreams and
some of our recent discussions.

Let's be careful out there....

Kent
aka A Mr. Katimski of the List

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let America Be America Again

by Langston Hughes

Let America be America again.
Let it be the dream it used to be.
Let it be the pioneer on the plain
Seeking a home where he himself is free.

(America never was America to me.)

Let America be the dream the dreamers dreamed--
Let it be that great strong land of love
Where never kings connive nor tyrants scheme
That any man be crushed by one above.

(It never was America to me.)

O, let my land be a land where Liberty
Is crowned with no false patriotic wreath,
But opportunity is real, and life is free,
Equality is in the air we breathe.

(There’s never been equality for me,
Nor freedom in this “homeland of the free.”)

Say, who are you that mumbles in the dark? And who are you
that draws your veil across the stars?

I am the poor white, fooled and pushed apart,
I am the Negro bearing slavery’s scars.
I am the red man driven from the land,
I am the immigrant clutching the hope I seek--
And finding only the same old stupid plan
Of dog eat dog, of mighty crush the weak.

I am the young man, full of strength and hope,
Tangled in that ancient endless chain
Of profit, power, gain, of grab the land!
Of grab the gold! Of grab the ways of satisfying need!
Of work the men! Of take the pay!
Of owning everything for one’s own greed!

I am the farmer, bondsman to the soil.
I am the worker sold to the machine.
I am the Negro, servant to you all.
I am the people, humble, hungry, mean--
Hungry yet today despite the dream.
Beaten yet today--O, Pioneers!
I am the man who never got ahead,
The poorest worker bartered through the years.

Yet I’m the one who dreamt our basic dream
In the Old World while still a serf of kings,
Who dreamt a dream so strong, so brave, so true,
That even yet its mighty daring sings
In every brick and stone, in every furrow turned
That’s made America the land it has become.
O, I’m the man who sailed those early seas
In search of what I meant to be my home--
For I’m the one who left dark Ireland’s shore,
And Poland’s plain, and England’s grassy lea,
And torn from Black Africa’s strand I came
To build a “homeland of the free.”

The free?

Who said the free? Not me?
Surely not me? The millions on relief today?
The millions shot down when we strike?
The millions who have nothing for our pay?
For all the dreams we’ve dreamed
And all the songs we’ve sung
And all the hopes we’ve held
And all the flags we’ve hung,
The millions who have nothing for our pay--
Except the dream that’s almost dead today.

O, let America be America again--
The land that never has been yet--
And yet must be--the land where every man is free.
The land that’s mine--the poor man’s, Indian’s, Negro’s, ME--
Who made America,
Whose sweat and blood, whose faith and pain,
Whose hand at the foundry, whose plow in the rain,
Must bring back our mighty dream again.

Sure, call me any ugly name you choose--
The steel of freedom does not stain.
From those who live like leeches on the people’s lives,
We must take back our land again,
America!

O, yes,
I say it plain,
America never was America to me,
And yet I swear this oath--
America will be!

Out of the rack and ruin of our gangster death,
The rape and rot of graft, and stealth, and lies,
We, the people, must redeem
The land, the mines, the plants, the rivers.
The mountains and the endless plain--
All, all the stretch of these great green states--
And make America again!

From The Collected Poems of Langston Hughes, published by Alfred A.
Knopf, Inc. Copyright © 1994 the Estate of Langston Hughes. Used with
permission.