by Kenovay
"Hmmm?"
"Merry, what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm sorry, Pip." Merry turned back to Pippin with a leer and began kissing behind his ear. Pippin squirmed happily, but pulled away when Merry's tongue again stilled.
"Merry, what exactly is more interesting than me?" Pippin was annoyed. Merry mumbled. "What?"
"I said, that wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us, and I seriously mean this, Pip, has got to go."
"Oh." Pippin looked at the wallpaper. It was, granted, a rather hideous shade of green, but Pippin had always thought it relatively inoffensive. "My vote goes to the wallpaper."
Merry grinned, but it quickly faded, and he returned his fixed attention to the wallpaper. Pippin huffed a little in annoyance, and leaned forward to kiss the Brandybuck, but Merry put one broad hand over Pippin's mouth and held him off. "Mumph!" Pippin glared.
"Sorry, Pip." Merry didn't take his eyes off the wallpaper, but he did take his hand away from Pippin's mouth. "I just� can't."
"Can't?" Pippin raised his eyebrows. "It's that bad? Since when were you so sensitive to matters of taste and style, Meriadoc Brandybuck?"
Merry blushed. "That wallpaper� 's malignant. I keep thinking it's going to laugh at me and tell me I'm � it's�" His voice trailed away.
"It's?"
"Small." Pippin blinked.
"Merry?" Merry looked at him. "It's wallpaper. If it tries to tell you you're small, you tell it that it has absolutely no point of comparison." Merry nodded, eyes wide. "Seriously, Merry, wallpaper that colour will never have sex. Take it from me."
A smile was spreading slowly across Merry's face. "I sound deranged, don't I?"
"Frankly, Merry, you sound unbalanced."
"I'm just� worried. I, um, saw Frodo and Sam."
"Huh?"
"Doing� this."
"Oh. They're both rather� large, aren't they?" Pippin grinned. "Luckily, I'm not having sex with either of them."
"You don't� want to?"
"Not really. I love you, you stupid Brandybuck." Merry smiled gratefully and kissed him. Pippin moaned happily. A moment later he sat up. "Merry!"
"Pippin, the wallpaper is still hideous."
