The Kenneth Hister Bio
Kenneth Hister was born in Hampton, Virginia (the oldest lasting English colony in America), and raised in a cult called the Salvation Army. In the cult he had the fortune and misfortune of living in Williamson, WV, Beckley, WV, Martinsville, VA, Temple Hills, MD, Alexandria, VA, and Dale City, VA.
It was in Dale City that he was first met by Satan, and told of his true calling, as prophesied by Revelations. Unfortunately, he immediately discovered girls, then rock n' roll, then marijuana, then air freshener, then nitrous oxide, and, as of yet, has still not accomplished any of the world destruction he was obligated to perform by birthright. But, as he says, "I was put on this earth by god and satan to accomplish a certain number of things, and I'm so far behind, I will never die."
In Virginia, he met a pretentious art rock twit known as Sliver, and turned him into a pretentious Punk Rock twit. For years, he wasted his time with this idiot, playing under the names "Gay Altar Boys On Crack" and finally "God Says Fuck You."
Then, after a sequence of events that would have fit in perfectly on an episode of Jerry Springer, he moved to Winston-Salem, NC, and spent many years playing punk-based folk music, and attempting to form a legitimate band that played guitar with two fingers, and sang in keys other than R.
He finally found this (after a mystical vision convinced him he could play electric guitar badly) in The Freakin'Zombies, where he taught them (Hempkitti, who was more than a bass player during this era, and Will Toker, who never quite understood the music, but was more reliable than most drummers) songs that sounded very good when played badly.
After a year of playing with bands that didn't seem to realize they played badly (with the exception of Runarounds, Solar Coaster, Radiation Treatments, and the Marrowtech line-up and sound that we played with), The Freakin' Zombies were blacklisted from the scene and gave up, but not before they recorded The Freakin' Zombies Greatest Hits VERY badly. But, luckily, it was remixed recently.
Kenneth Hister devoted himself part-time to playing acoustic guitar, and full-time to trying to have as many one-night stands as possible.
A girlfriend (actually, the same girl who provided the pic at the top) convinced him in 2002 to record the unbelievably sexist songs he had been writing since the death of the Zombies. The relationship didn't last, but the music did, and so "The Womyn's Man" was born.
In December of 2004, he re-recorded many of the songs he'd written in college, and is currently giving it away for free, and will post it on his iuma site as soon as he feels like it, and iuma lets him.
As a side-note, Kenneth Hister wrote his first book (Punk Zombies) in 1990, re-wrote it in 1992, rewrote it again in 1995, and that is (with many edits) what came into print in 1999. He also has a second book that has only been half re-written once, that came into print in 2001, with the emotional support of the same girl that helped the last record and the pic, who will be named pending her permission, called Greg The Cop and Greg the Punk. His third book, The Phoenix has never been rewritten (outside of the last chapter), and was published in summer of 2004.
As of late, Kenneth Hister has devoted himself towards drinking a lot, and having as many one-night stands as possible. He encourages you to spend as much money on him as possible, as he continues to delude himself into thinking this could someday be a second job.
Update: In 2005, so far, Kenneth has recorded a new country record, "The Sexual Nihilist," and finally got booked at the greatest Punk Rock game in town, "Vomitfest." And he's up to 2 .40s a night, and been fucking some actual cute women lately. And he bought "Raiders of the Lost Ark" for $2 at Goodwill, and he wants his money back.
I'm gonna cry all the way home.